


The Desolation of Kili

by SilverFountains



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Anal Virginity, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempted Sexual Assault, Clothed Sex, Dating, Down's Syndrome, Drug Addiction, Drugs, Explicit Language, Falling In Love, Fluff and Smut, Food Sex, Forced Prostitution, Graphic Violence, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Underage Prostitution, Internal Conflict, Loneliness, Love Confessions, M/M, Making Love, Masturbation, Mutual Masturbation, Oral Sex, Outdoor Sex, Prostate Orgasm, Prostitution, Psychological Trauma, Public Blow Jobs, Rape, Recreational Drug Use, Rehabilitation, Rimming, Sexual Identity, Shower Sex, Some Domestic Violence, Suicide, Suppressed Sexuality, The effects of drug abuse on those around them, Thorin and Kili being very in love when everything else around them turns to shit, True Love, Wedding, Wedding Night, Wedding Planning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-24
Updated: 2016-01-31
Packaged: 2018-01-13 15:42:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 60
Words: 203,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1232005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverFountains/pseuds/SilverFountains
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Multi-chapter modern AU. Young rebellious Kili is forced into prostitution by Azog. And even after he manages to escape the big man, this life is all he knows and he continues to pursue a career in the sex industry. He knows he has disappointed his mother and his brother, but believes it is all he is any good at - and that he is! He ends up working in an exclusive club and thinks he has done alright for himself all things considered. Until a new client shows him there is more to him than just a pretty face and sexy body. </p><p>For this prompt : Modern AU, where Kili is a male prostitute trying to change his life. Thorin is a shy businessman who tries to help him. Even though he is a male prostitute.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Kili

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Thorin in a suit](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/41527) by spader7. 



Life had never been the same after his father died. They had never been a particularly well-off family, but after the main breadwinner was killed instantly in a motorbike accident, leaving behind his wife and two sons, things turned pretty dire pretty quickly for the three of them. His mum had tried her best to keep them fed and housed, working all hours under the sun, but they hardly had enough to survive, let alone ever have anything left over to buy nice things. In the end they had been forced to move to a less affluent area which was well-known for its youth problems.  

So it wasn’t that surprising when Kili started to get involved with the wrong crowd. His older brother Fili had tried his best to steer him back onto the right path. Fili was one of those people who was able to pull himself out of the misery of their life and pave his own path of success regardless of how poor and hard their upbringing was. But Kili wasn’t like his brother. He wasn’t exactly lazy, but he did enjoy an easier life than the one his brother was opting for. He wasn’t as clever as Fili, didn’t think he would ever end up going to college or even university and had kind of accepted himself as the family’s black sheep who was good for nothing but getting into trouble.

And then he had made the fatal mistake to try a spliff. Nori had always been a good mate and it was just a little bit of fun really. The first one had made Kili feel a bit sick. But the second one had had the required effect, just taking the edge of what he considered his miserable life for a little while. And from there on the downwards spiral has been quite rapid. When his friends stopped providing him with the odd freebee, he’d quickly found himself dealing amongst friends and then strangers in order to buy grass for himself. Before long he’d gotten himself arrested twice but was let off both times with a slap on the wrist. But it was after the second arrest that Fili had turned his back on him, telling him that if he wasn’t going to clean up his act that he wouldn’t see him anymore. Fili had already moved out at that point. His hard work had earned him a scholarship and he was now living on campus, leaving his brother behind on the estate.

With his mum he had rowed almost daily as she was rapidly losing all control over her youngest and his spiralling behaviour. But not until she found drugs in his room had she quite literally thrown him out on the streets.

And he’d hit his lowest point, sleeping rough, dealing and stealing to get his fix. Life had become simple survival and nothing more. Until he was approached by a man who he thereafter only knew as Azog. He was a very large and intimidating man with a big bold head, cold eyes and a large scar across his face. But Kili thought his most frightening feature was his arm which ended in a stump just under the elbow and it made Kili shudder every time. This man had offered Kili the drugs he so desperately craved and a room to stay in and Kili had thought him kind at first that he seemingly wanted to help him.

That was until that awful day, when he had woken up to find the big pale man straddling him. The pain had been excruciating as he had breached him roughly. Kili had never been taken by a man before and he had bled profusely afterwards. The first time he had had to use the toilet he had cried in agony at the stinging and stretching of his wounds and he didn’t think there could be anything worse than what Azog had done to him. But he had been quite mistaken.

He did not see Azog for a week after that incident. Then on the seventh day he had come to his room to tell Kili that he owed him money for the drugs and the lodging. And when Kili had stammered that he had none, Azog had beaten him senseless, leaving him unconscious in the corner of his room. When he’d come to, he had found his tormentor grinning down at him. “You are going to have to work to pay off your debts,” he had laughed at him. “Tomorrow you will receive your first clients.”

***

Society might shun him for what he does, but he is bloody good at it. If he hadn’t been he would still be living his wretched life in the stinking world of seedy backstreet prostitution. But his looks and services had been noticed early on and he had started to quickly earn himself excellent tips, especially when he was happy to offer a little extra – roleplay, dressing up, being tied up, toys ... He didn’t care really. Ultimately it would always end up in him being fucked by some randy bloke with too much money on his hand and the how and when of getting to that point was quite irrelevant.

He’d finally managed to escape Azog’s claws when he had been offered a job in a private club. Azog had not been happy, had threatened him in fact, afraid to lose his little money earner. But Kili had left him an envelope with more than twice what he thought he ‘owed’ the big brute, had packed his bags and run away. For weeks thereafter he had been afraid to find his nightmare or one of his henchmen waiting for him at the backdoor of the club. But they never came and in the end Kili had started to relax, really believing he had escaped him.

And he had started to earn better money with his new employer, enough even to rent a little bedsit for himself. He spent a good few years in that establishment, mostly providing private services for his clients and occasionally a threesome with one of his colleagues. And he had been pleased when he had started to build up his own clientele; men who liked him enough to ask for him again and again.

It was thus that he eventually got himself a job in an exclusive gentlemen’s club in a nicer part of the city, on recommendation of one of his regulars. Despite what was going on inside, the place looked classy on the outside with big black doors and swirly purple lettering spelling out the name “Spartacus” referring to the strong muscled gladiator. Kili had thought it rather ironic really. Over the years he had read a lot of books as he liked to lose himself in the stories of heroes that he could never be. And he knew that the reason Spartacus had become such a famous figure was because he had fought against his enslavers and gathered up an army to bring down the roman empire and put an end to the slavery of his people. Kili had fantasised more than once about being that heroic figure. Telling his boss, who looked after him better than his previous masters but who still took such a large slice of his hard earned cash without ever having to do the dirty himself, to go fuck himself. But he needed to eat and he needed his fix and so he continued working as he did, day after day, taking cock after cock. Until he felt he was but a shell to be taken at leisure by whoever had enough money to purchase him.

Still, he earned good money now and he had moved from his tiny bedsit into his own apartment. It wasn’t very flash, but it had its own kitchen and bathroom, a small living room and a comfortable bedroom. With a bed that was his own, which was the greatest blessing of all. His own bit of privacy. Somewhere he could almost call home, if he just ignored the frequent abusive screaming of his upstairs neighbours and the needles found in the downstairs hallway.

He knew that his brother was not so impressed by his lifestyle. He had seen his brother only a few times over the years. Fili knew that his little brother worked in the sex industry and he had not wanted to know more and Kili had not told him more. It was his business. And regardless of his brother’s opinion of him, he felt quite proud of his achievements. He might not have gone to college, but he too had worked hard to get to where he was now. And he was savvy, playing his clients well enough, knowing exactly how to get the best results with the greatest tips. And if god had blessed him with this body rather than Fili’s clever brain than well, he should make the most of that gift shouldn’t he?


	2. Thorin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin has had a successful career and he has more money than he knows what to do with. It is just a shame that he had not managed to extend his success into his private life. His marriage has failed after he had finally dug up that deeply buried admission that he preferred men. But he is now early forties and finding a new life partner isn't that easy.

His career had worked out exactly as planned. By the age of thirty he was CEO of a small investment firm and by 34 he had his own little empire, earning him more cash than he knew how to spend. He had lived a good life through his late twenties and early thirties, working hard and reaping the benefits of that. Nowadays he had an expensive apartment with all the luxuries modern life offered and two flash cars to choose from as his mood took his fancy. He dressed in luxurious handmade suits and dined in the finest restaurants. It was just a shame that he had not managed to extend his success into his private life.                                                                      

He had done all the things that society expected of him. Got married to a pretty girl, bought a house with her, planned for a family. The only thing he was grateful for was that they had held off on the latter. Thorin had said it was because he wanted to set up his business first. But deep down he had known that that was an excuse really. Because no matter how much he loved his sweet wife, he wasn’t really in love with her. He had always known that he preferred men over women. His earliest crush had been on one of his classmates. His advances had been returned and one day they had kissed in his bedroom, which had been the best kiss he’d ever had in his life. But when his father had found out about them he had beaten the living daylights out of him and had made him a promise that he would personally throttle the breath from him and his lover if he pursued such an unacceptable relationship any further. And Thorin had not doubted that his bad-tempered alcoholic father had meant it.

So Thorin had complied. He had shoved his real feelings so far down into his subconsciousness that he could almost believe that he was “normal” as his dad liked to say.

But by the time he reached his mid-thirties he knew that he was just keeping up a façade. That it was neither fair on himself or his wife who was begging him for a family now. And he had made the hard decision to split up with her. He had cried himself softly to sleep for days after he’d moved into his new apartment. Feeling guilty for the hurt he had caused his wife who had been so shocked at his revelation. She had hurt him just as deeply when she had shouted the abuse at him. How he was sick and disgusting and how could he do this to her, embarrass her like that? Just as his father had done.

But Thorin was no longer a confused adolescent. He was a grown man now living in a society that was ever so slowly starting to accept that a man could love another man and a woman could love another woman like that. And he knew that if he was ever to be truly happy he had to accept that side of him. Or he would die a very rich but very lonely man.

***

Thorin had not really pursued his feelings for the first few years after his divorce. Those feelings had been buried too deep and he had been too hurt inside to open himself up to another. Instead he had thrown himself at his work with even more vigour. Occasionally he had gone to a gay bar down the far end of town and he had been shown plenty of interest by the clientele there. But further than a quick snog he had never gone. He had scolded and mocked himself in the bathroom mirror enough times. How he was able to run an international business that floated successfully on the stock market with thousands of employee’s across the globe and yet he couldn’t woo another man into his bed.

But as the years went by this desire that he had for so long suppressed had started to grow. To at least once experience that intimacy with another man. And if it wasn’t going to happen naturally…  It wasn’t his first choice of course. He would have loved to just fall in love with someone and have it happen that way. But it hadn’t and he was beginning to wonder if it was him. He thought that maybe if he would get this obstacle out of the way, to just get it over with, that he could relax a bit more and perhaps even allow such a relation to finally happen. After all when it came to having sex with another man he was a forty-something-old virgin, which he considered an embarrassment that weighed heavy on him and had made him unsure and uncomfortable when anyone had approached him.

He could feel himself blush as he clicked through the internet pages in search of clubs outside of his immediate area. He wasn’t really ashamed of his sexual orientation anymore, but it was not something that he had openly announced to the world and he did not want to run the risk to bump into a colleague or worse an important client if he was going to do this. And anyway, such an encounter he would consider embarrassing under any circumstances whether it was a male or female sex club he was visiting.  Thorin was a very private man who kept his work and private life strictly separated.

The cheesy names of the clubs made him chuckle. There were about twenty ‘Adonis’ clubs at least. And he thought that if he ever ran a club like that his marketing people would have to come up with something a lot more original than that.

Eventually his eye caught the site of a club which looked a little less seedy than some of the others he had read through. “Exclusive”, “discreet” and “best in town” were words that sprang out at him. And he decided to take a punch and wrote down the postcode. It was in the perfect place, not miles away from his home, but far away enough that he was not likely to run into someone he knew.

He knew he just had to go with it. If he left it and thought about it too much he would just change his mind again. So he took a shower and changed into a comfortable but neat pair of slacks, deep blue shirt and tailored jacket. He chose an earthy scent, not one that was too obtrusive. And after he had groomed himself and checked himself over at least five times in the mirror, he picked up his wallet and his car keys and left the house.

He had considered taking the Maserati. He loved that car, it had always been his dream to own one and it had been one of the few treats he had allowed himself after the divorce. But he didn’t want to show up like some flash poser, rather opting for something a little less eye-catching as he blipped the key to his silver Merc. His heart skipped a beat as he programmed the postcode into his inbuilt satnav. And he smirked at himself for being at the tender age of forty-two with his stomach fluttering like he was going on his first date.


	3. At Your Service

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin has built up the courage to visit a gentlemen's club in town. Kili thinks the new client is rather handsome and he will make sure that Thorin will be quite happy to accept him as his choice tonight.
> 
> And who knew that Balin used to be a prostitute once upon a time ... XD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea what goes on inside a gay sex club (well, I have an idea perhaps ...) so this is all just fantasy! I don't care whether it is real or not, as long as it's hot ;)

Kili flicks through the diary. No personal bookings so far tonight. But he doesn’t mind as he knows that usually one of his regular clients will turn up and ask for his attendance in a private room. He is not worried; he almost never has any problems earning his keep.

He looks in the mirror, brushing a hand through his slightly wavy shoulder-length brown hair. He knows it is one of the features that his clients like about him. It gives him a boyish look, innocent and cheeky. He is very much the latter, not so much the former, he giggles to himself. But he is happy to hold up the façade for those clients who like that sort of fantasy.

As he walks into the club he notes there are few people about yet. It is Wednesday night, so not one of their busiest nights but he expects the place will start to fill up later nonetheless. It always does.

He watches one of his colleagues strip on stage for the few men that are there. He has done it himself on occasions, when his diary was quiet. It had earned him good tips as he wriggled his nimble body around the cold iron poles. But it isn’t his preferred choice of work. It reminds him too much of his earlier employments, watching fat sleazy men rub at themselves through stained trousers shouting obscene instructions at him. No, he has very much moved on from that. His price tag is high enough now to only invite well-groomed and well-spoken men to his private work area. And he much prefers it that way.

These rich men are quite different in their needs. Whereas his earliest clients had very much been focused on their own peak and had just taken Kili’s body as a means to an end, his current clients like all the play around the actual act and often make him feel like they actually like him. He isn’t fooled; he knows it is just a mutual game. He makes them feel like they are his greatest, dirtiest fantasy and so do they in return. He also knows that a lot of them will return to their wives after they have had what they want from him. Some days it makes Kili feel like the dirty whore that his mother had called him the last time he’d seen her. But most days he can push past that feeling and believe that he is just doing a job. The same as an actor is just playing his part in a stage show.

He looks up when Balin taps on his shoulders. The older man had once done the job Kili is now doing but as the years had withered his looks and he had lost the ability to earn enough money through the hands-on services he had become one of the most prominent hosts of the exclusive club. He was charming with the wealthy clients, making them feel at ease and welcome and as important as they like to think they are. And to the boys who worked here he was like a father figure. Kili had really grown to like his elder a lot, had even learnt a few tricks of the trade from him.

“Yes, old friend?” he smiles at the shorter, silver-haired man next to him.

“I think I have a new client for you, Kili. I have not seen him here before and he seems a little nervous. But I think you will be his type. Can you get him a drink and make him feel at ease. See if you take his fancy.”

“Sure,” Kili smiles. “Hope you got me something good,” he winks.

“Good lad,” Balin puts a hand on his shoulder. “And I think you will like him, he’s quite a looker if you ask me,” before returning to the new client to confirm his appointment.

Kili is intrigued now, that’s not a comment Balin makes often about their clients. He easily jumps off the barstool and walks towards the foyer. As he pushes open the door to the plush lounge he has his sweetest smile ready for the man who still has his back to him. Kili quickly notes that the newcomer is well-dressed. He is tall with broad shoulders but a slim, athletic type build. And what Kili thinks is particularly interesting is the thick long hair pulled back into a casual ponytail, which is an unusual combination with the smart dress and not one Kili sees often. As the man turns around Kili thinks it looks good on him, complemented by the neatly kempt dark beard. It gives him just a little bit of a rough edge against all that polished business manner and dress. Like a barely tamed rockstar.

Soft grey-blue eyes are looking at him now from under dark eyebrows. And Kili immediately agrees with Balin that this man is quite something. It is not often that a client stirs something in him, but this one is making tummy churn a little in excitement and he feels quite predatory at the thought of taking this client upstairs.

“Welcome. Would you like to come through,” Kili smiles as he holds the door open for the new client. And behind the man’s back he just catches Balin wink at him before the blacked out door falls shut.

As soon as they step into the club itself Kili turns on his cheeky charm. “Can I get you a drink, sweety?” he asks with honeyed tongue as he sways his hips just a little. It will take him only a little while to work out how this man would like him – cheeky or sexy, submissive or dominant, a little feminine or boyish? He is very good at reading body language after years in the industry, picking up on the slightest hint of arousal or boredom. And he feels confident he will have this one worked out in no time.

He guides the newcomer back to the bar as he looks back at him questioningly. “Just a coke, please.” Kili is quite surprised by the warmth of the deep baritone voice and it sends a little shiver through him.

“Are you sure?” The drinks will all be added to the tab and it’s his job to try and get the tab running as high as he can. “Maybe add a little extra just to get us in the mood?” He winks at his tall client, noting the little sparkles in the blue eyes. He really is rather handsome, Kili muses, and he will make sure that this one will be quite happy to accept him as his choice tonight.

His client smiles a little shyly. “I’m driving…” But he shrugs at Kili’s pleading eyes. “Make it a rum and coke if you wish.” He supposes he will be here a while and thinks he can always catch a taxi back if he needs to. “And have whatever you want.” Kili is pleased that this one has the decency to offer him a drink too. Some clients can be quite rude in that respect.

“Thank you, handsome,” Kili coos at him and places the order with the barman before turning his attention back to the dark haired stranger. “I’m Kili.”

“Thorin,” and the stranger offers him his hand. It makes Kili chuckle to himself. This one clearly is new to the scene. Some do offer their name, although many do not and Kili will never ask for it. And more experienced clients do not extend their hand in such a business like greeting. But Kili takes it and is surprised by the strong grasp of the large hand.

“That’s a lovely name,” he purrs. “Unusual.”

“Thank you, as is yours.” The smile Thorin gives him is warm and genuine.

Kili hands him the drink that is pushed towards him across the bar and offers a toast which Thorin accepts. “To an unforgettable night,” Kili winks at him again. And his new client smiles and slowly lowers his eyes as he takes a sip from his drink, allowing Kili to quickly scan over his features without appearing rude. He puts him at late thirties, early forties, with just a few sexy lines starting to form around the eyes now in an otherwise flawless face.

Kili shuffles a little closer, gently letting his fingers tease the fabric of Thorin’s perfectly pressed shirt. “Would you like anything to eat?”

Thorin smiles but shakes his head.

“No problem, I like it that you are eager to move on to something more interesting.  I am too.” Kili is glad that he has an easy babble and able to improvise with whatever answer he is given, especially with quiet clients like this one. “So, what did you have in mind? Am I what you seek? Shall we move somewhere private together?”

A lot of questions, Thorin thinks, and he considers them one by one. He is not quite sure what he has in mind just yet and he hopes that his sweet-tongued host will be able to offer some guidance in that. But he doesn’t have to think hard about whether Kili is what he seeks. He’s exactly his type, with his dark bouncy hair and his cheeky smile which burns through Thorin’s defences like a flamethrower. And those eyes… dark and sparkling, making his heart flutter. He had given the older host a brief description of the type he was looking for. This much he had learnt from his days visiting bars. He knows he likes someone quite a bit younger than he is, but not too young. Maybe early thirties. Tall with dark hair, preferably a little long. And Kili has fit the bill of his fantasies more than perfectly. He thinks how ridiculous and cruel it is that he had spent forty-two years of his life never finding that perfect picture and here he finds it in the face of a rent-boy.

“Yes, I would like to move to somewhere private with you,” he smiles again and excitement is starting to take hold now.

Kili beams and leads him towards the stairs. Thorin feels so out of his depth, never having been in a place anything like this before. He isn’t sure what to expect. Nothing like the elaborate baroque décor of this place, that’s for sure. He finds the name quite fitting now as they pass marble-like statues of men with swords and tridents, shields and helmets;  all bare and showing off their parts in various states of arousal. On the walls there are large paintings depicting men lying with one another and Thorin thinks they are actually remarkably tasteful. And he muses whether he should invest in some art, something to decorate his bedroom maybe? He grins at the thought of his housekeeper running her duster over one of these compositions.

Kili has stopped and is quickly scanning his finger down a list. “We have a choice, handsome,” he purrs against Thorin. We can use the blue room, which is rather lovely I think with a nice big soft bed for us to play on. Or if you want we can have the hot tub tonight. Your choice, sexy.” And he looks at Thorin through his eyelashes.

“Let’s go with the bed.” Thorin thinks he needs to take this one step at the time and a bed seems the most mundane option of the two and therefore the one he’s probably going to be most comfortable with.

“Good choice,” Kili whispers hotly in his ear and he scribbles on the list and drags Thorin towards the now booked room, sliding the sign on the door to the ‘occupied’ setting.

“Just so you know, I have no other bookings tonight,” Kili confirms as soon as they have closed the door behind them. “So you can have me for as long as you want, handsome.” And he crawls up close against Thorin, as he takes the drink from his hand. “I am looking forward to having a nice long evening to play together.” Kili is happy that he has reached this point in his dodgy career, where he no longer has clients counting out the coins to see whether they can afford a blow job or an ass fuck, but where his clients have money to throw at him and can have him all night if that’s what they want. For a starters it’s much easier to make money that way and it also means that if he plays it well with some of his clients he may only get shafted once in one night, making him feel just a little less like his ass is just being passed from one cock to another like a chewed up joint.

“Did Balin explain the house rules, my darling? And what I offer?”

Thorin blushes lightly at the bluntness of it all. “He did and it’s all fine.” Balin had reeled off the protocol that the club upheld: no kissing on the lips, condoms to be used at all times no exceptions and clients could not demand a service that the employee was not willing to offer, which varied between the boys themselves as they declared their preferences. Kili - so Balin had told him - gave excellent oral sex. He had also told him that Kili was happy to take but did not give anal sex and talked about a whole lot of other options that had not even crossed Thorin’s mind! Thorin had struggled to keep a straight face as the blush had crept up his neck whilst he had handed over his credit card to the kindly smiling man who looked like he could be someone’s granddad talking about the university choices of his grandson.

“Now, let us get comfortable, my handsome,” and Kili offers to take Thorin’s jacket. “Shall I dim the lights a little? Or do you want them bright so that you can see every last bit of what I am going to do to you?” And Kili teasingly bites his lip. _“A little cheeky and quite boyish,”_ Kili thinks to himself. _“Not too dominant, but definitely assertive.”_

“Dimmed will be nice.” It’s hardly going to be a romantic first date, but Thorin thinks he might as well make the most of what is on offer and Kili happily complies.

“Would you like to watch a movie together?” Thorin can guess it won’t be the latest blockbuster Kili is offering him. “Or some music maybe?”

“Ehm... music is fine, thanks.”

Kili clicks on the CD player and some soft unobtrusive music starts to play. “Is that okay for you?” he hums softly, cocking his head at Thorin, who nods with a shy smile. It’s all a little corny but at least it’s a lot better than the image he had in his head. He glances around the room. It looks like a slightly over-decorated hotel room if it wasn’t for the huge mirror on the ceiling. There is flat-screen TV, a couple of chairs and a wardrobe in the corner and a door to what Thorin assumes is the on-suite.

As Kili follows his gaze he steps up to Thorin and strokes a hand over his cheek, feeling the soft stubble of that beard. “Would you like us to have a shower together, handsome?” And he flutters his eyelashes at Thorin who marvels at how thick and long they are; framing the dark hazel eyes beautifully. And he almost bends himself down for a kiss, before he remembers the house rules.

“I showered at home,” Thorin replies. It’s not that he doesn’t want to, but he still is a little uncomfortable around the thought of just displaying himself so openly to a stranger. At least if they stick to the bed he can keep a little bit of his modesty under the cover of sheets. “Unless of course you want me to…” he flushes, realising that this young man is expected to touch him in the most intimate places without knowing so much as his surname.

Kili rubs himself up against Thorin now, slowly pressing his body against him and Thorin can feel himself starting to harden in earnest now. “You smell wonderful,” Kili breathes softly against the dip of his neck. “I am quite happy to do whatever you want, sexy.” And he takes Thorin’s hand and leads him to the bed.

“So tell me what you would like,” Kili groans softly against his neck as he is starting to nibble at his skin. And Thorin closes his eyes as he leans into the feeling. He can feel Kili’s hand starting to roam over his chest and slowly down over his belly towards his thighs. A reply is refusing to form in his head as his brain has now moved to between his legs were his body is eagerly responding to Kili’s strokes.

“How about I show you what I like and then you can tell me if you like it too,” Kili purrs in his ear as his hand now slides right over Thorin’s crotch giving him an encouraging squeeze through his slacks. Kili knows well enough how to deal with newcomers. Balin often sends them his way as he is so good at putting them at ease, before gently coaxing them into sampling from the menu of services he has on offer.

Thorin’s breath hitches as he considers Kili’s proposal. “Yes, that would be acceptable,” he mumbles and silently laughs at himself for sounding so utterly inexperienced, as if he is handling some sort of business transaction. Which in a way, he supposes, he is.

“At your service,” Kili smiles widely at him. It is a beautiful smile but Thorin wonder how genuine it really is. No, he doesn’t want to think about this right now. He knows full well that this isn’t some romantic liaison but strictly a service he is buying. Like when he takes his car to the garage and the mechanic gives his wheels an extra polish. But in the same way he accepts those little extras as part of what he is paying for so he should accept all Kili is offering him here as part of the pleasure he is buying.

He doesn’t have any more time for this internal dialogue with himself as Kili has now unzipped his trousers and his hand has expertly slid underneath the fabric of his boxers and is now rubbing at his length. Thorin shudders under the touch. “My hands aren’t too cold are they?” Kili whispers. Thorin shakes his head as he rests himself back onto the bed. “Does that feel good?” Thorin has closed his eyes now and nods. He is happy to just let it happen. This young man is the expert and Thorin really doesn’t care about the bill for tonight. He will just go with the boy’s recommendations.


	4. The Makings of a Perfect Fantasy (e)

When Thorin wakes up tenting the sheets he quickly remembers why his body is in this state. He doesn’t have long to muse over what happened last night as he has a business meeting at ten on the outskirts of town and with the traffic as it is he will have to be on his way pretty soon. But as his thoughts slide back to the happenings of the night before, he cannot help himself as his hand slides down to palm his hard member.

~

Kili had been quick to dispose of Thorin’s clothes. _So much for my modesty_ , Thorin had thought as he had found himself splayed on top of the sheets in all his glory. Kili had taken it easy, however, with his own disrobing, teasing Thorin as he wiggled himself out of his garments, making him ache already before he had barely been touched by the brunet.

“I like to take my time,” Kili had whispered as he had straddled Thorin, proudly presenting his lovely body to him as he seated himself low enough on Thorin’s pelvis to feel Thorin’s hard cock against his lower back. And Kili had poured some oil into his hands before rubbing them together to warm them. “Just relax, handsome. This is going to feel real good.” And he had not lied as those sleek hands had started to rub over Thorin’s chest, through the greying hairs there, feathering their way up towards his shoulders as he had kneaded the tension from the muscles. And Thorin had leant back into the soft pillows as he could feel the hair of his masseur fall forward and tickling his nipples as warm hands had stroked up the back of his neck.

“I love your hair,” Kili had whispered into his ear as he had pressed himself flat onto Thorin. “Can I untie it for you?”

Thorin’s eyes had opened up to find those deep brown almonds smiling back at him and he had felt his heart skip several beats before he had managed to mumble an approval. He had lifted his head to allow Kili to gently pull the thick band from his hair.

“Lovely,” Kili had sighed as he had laid out Thorin’s hair over the pillow underneath him. And he had meant it in earnest. He had always had a soft spot for men with long hair and Thorin’s hair was lush, thickly curled and well looked after, with the odd streak of silver starting to show which made it all the more sexy.

“You’re so sweet,” Thorin had breathed at him and he had felt frustrated at not being able to take that mouth into his, clawing at the sheets as Kili had started to work his way down his body. The deep muscular massage of his shoulders was slowly turning into something much lighter as nimble fingers had started to trace the path from Thorin’s nipples to his belly button and from there down the line of hair towards where Kili’s pelvis touched his own. Hands which effortlessly moved from one body to another, flowing over to Kili’s own sleek form as he had rubbed them over himself. And Thorin had felt like he had gone to heaven as he watched Kili tease his fingers over his own flesh, circling the buds of his nipples whilst throwing his head back, showing off the lovely line of his neck.

Tentatively Thorin had placed his hands on Kili’s thighs, almost expecting them to be slapped away. But Kili had lifted his head and smiled hungrily at him. “That feels nice, handsome. Go ahead, you can touch me wherever you want,” Kili had winked. “I am all yours tonight.” Thorin had cringed for just a moment, thinking about how this young man offered his body so freely to be touched by whoever had enough money. But he had let his desire push that thought away quickly as he had stroked those muscular thighs and up over his hips, over the soft inwards curve of his waistline. And Kili had wriggled and moaned softly under his touch, grinding his hips down onto Thorin’s pelvis to draw moans from his lips too.

Kili had let Thorin roam his hands over him for a while, closing his eyes as he enjoyed the touch of those unpractised but gentle hands. And he had thought how infrequent it was that he enjoyed his job as much as this. Very occasionally a client came along that had Kili going in earnest, who actually made him horny in return and not just got a reaction through well-practised techniques. This dark, handsome and soft-spoken gentleman was definitely one of those, making him yearn to be touched more.

Eventually Kili had given Thorin a cheeky smile as he had taken one of large hands and had moved it down his body to rub between his legs, over his own semi-hard cock. Thorin had trembled a little at first, but had quickly taken over, no longer needing the guidance of Kili’s hand as he had started to knead and pull at him until Kili stood proud for him and they were both breathing hard. “You like to see me getting hard for you, sexy? See what you are doing to me, giving me such a boner.” And Thorin had flushed, but had not taken his hand away as he continued to work at Kili.

He never came for a client. Kili had always considered his own orgasm one of the few things that was his and his alone, not to be bought by anyone, which was one of the reasons he didn’t do top. He knew he could earn a lot more money if he did, but he was quite adamant. He had sold enough of his soul already. So when he felt himself getting closer, he had gently moved Thorin’s hand away and had wiggled himself down between his client’s legs. He had started an upwards massage this time, starting at the ankles, teasing strokes complimented with nibbles and licks, slowly working his way up to Thorin’s thighs.

“Is that okay for you?” he had said huskily. “Shall I carry on?” And Thorin had grunted in response, his heart starting to beat a little faster.

Kili was very clever with his mouth, lowering the necessary protection over Thorin’s hardness without hardly any interruption. Thorin had sighed deeply as he had felt his cock slowly being taken into the warm mouth. At first he had kept his head back on the bed, his eyes closed as he totally surrendered to the feeling itself. The heat of that mouth, the motion of the bobbing over his member sending tingles deep down his spine.

But as he had started to relax more, his confidence had returned and he had slowly propped himself up a little so he could watch that crafty mouth at work. And as he had glanced down his body he had been caught out by those beautiful brown eyes, sparkling back at him without the lips once stopping the delicious movement.

He had watched and felt that sweet pink tongue lick up and down his shaft and flick over his tip. Despite the barrier the feeling was so good, massaging his sensitive crown expertly. Soft warm hands had taken hold of his stones and massaged him into leaking pre-cum. And Thorin had quickly come so close to his peak at the hands of this beautiful creature between his legs.

Kili knew it well enough. He could tell that a man was close by so many signs – the tightening of his balls, the twitching and pulsing of his cock, the clenching of buttocks and the irregular draw of breath. He also knew how to make him last as he slowly reduced the pressure, holding him in his hand but releasing his mouth.

“You like that a lot, honey? I can make you come like this if you want. I can make you come real hard,” Kili smiled at him with an almost innocent look that could not contrast his words more. “Or do you wanna fuck?”

Thorin coughed a little before he hoarsely replied, “Make me come, Kili.” He had enjoyed himself a lot tonight and he knew he would be back here soon enough already. He did not need to have it all in one night. After waiting a lifetime he could wait just a little longer. But right then he did not want that lovely mouth to be gone from his cock any longer. He wanted Kili to swallow him again, needed him so badly. “Kili,” he whispered once more, savouring the name on his tongue. It was already becoming like a relic in his head.

And he had gasped as Kili had worked him towards his peak. Not rushing him, in fact making him last longer he thought possible under the intense heat and workings of his tongue. But once he thought he could take no more and his balls were aching under his cock, Kili effortlessly pulled him over the edge. And Thorin had groaned deeply through his orgasm, pumping himself up into Kili’s mouth as the shuddering pleasure took hold of him and pulsed through him again and again.

He wasn’t even sure how he had ended up under the sheets with Kili’s body wrapped around him. But he knew he had not wanted to let go of him. The thought of leaving that angelic face that could do such devious things was almost unacceptable in his head. And he had pulled Kili close and stroked through his soft hair as they lay together. And for that briefest of moments Thorin could imagine that they were lovers; that Kili was there just for him because he wanted to be there.

Kili did not mind in the slightest. Clients like these were the best. Happy to work with him through to their release and who just wanted some companionship afterwards, whilst the clock continued to tick. It was easy money with clients as polite and becoming as Thorin. And the sex had been good, Kili too had enjoyed it and lying like this almost felt romantic. He could pretend for just a moment that someone could really care this much for him, to want to hold him close and not just because he gave a good blowjob.  

“Can I ask how old you are?” Thorin had asked him softly and Kili had replied he was twenty-nine. He had turned thirty really, but only a few months before and he thought he could lie about his age just a little longer.

“Did I give you a good time?” Kili asked eventually and Thorin had squeezed his bum and smiled at him.

“Very much.” He had wanted to say a lot more, such as ‘I don’t ever want to let go of you’ and ‘please come home with me’ but he restrained himself, knowing it would be ridiculous and highly inappropriate. Instead he had said, “I would like to see you again soon.”

And Kili had beamed widely at him. “I would very much like that too.”

~

‘ _Shit_ ,’ Thorin thinks to himself as his eye falls on the clock and he is out of his bed in a shot. He cannot afford to be late for this appointment. And he definitely needs a shower now. Although he regrets washing the remnants of Kili’s scent from his body as he cleans himself up and readies himself for another day.


	5. Temptation

##  Thorin

 

He had managed to get through the first day well enough. His Thursday morning meeting had gone well and on his return to the office his Finance Director had shown him a healthy financial position for the first quarter, all putting him in a good mood.  But as he had returned home at the end of another long day his apartment had felt strangely empty and his thoughts had quickly drifted back to the night before, to the feeling of a warm body against his own, to Kili’s lovely full-of-life smile.

At the end of the second day Thorin feels like he has gone cold turkey from an addiction. He had actually struggled to keep his head together through the board meeting in the afternoon, which had never happened before. He was switched on, leading his company with a clear vision and unfaltered determination. He wouldn’t be where he is now if he didn’t. In the current economic situation he couldn’t afford for his people to make sloppy mistakes. Of course his line of business carried risks; it is what he thrived on. But they had to be calculated risks. And although Thorin was a fair boss who inspired his people with his drive for success, everyone also knew not to get on the wrong side of him. So when he had been shown the outturn of one particular project which was not making the expected return and he had lost his cool and raised his voice in frustration at his fellow board members, they had all cringed and shuffled their papers around uncomfortably. And everyone had been relieved when Thorin called the meeting to an end.

As he is sat in his private office, leaning back in the comfortable swivel chair, his hands are twisting a little business card over and over in an almost hypnotic motion. It’s a discreet card; it wouldn’t be immediately obvious to anyone what it relates to. But Thorin is holding it as if it’s the Holy Grail.

In the end he cannot resist the temptation any longer. He had thought to return to the club in a week’s time to see Kili again. But less than forty-eight hours on he finds himself picking up the phone and dialling the number on the little card.

It takes a few rings before the line is answered and Thorin almost loses his courage and is about to end the call when he hears a young male voice on the other end, “Spartacus. How may we help you?”

“I ehm…” Thorin realises he is not sure how this works. Does he make a booking with the person answering the phone or can he actually ask for Kili? He decides to try the latter. “I would like to speak to Kili if he’s available.”

“One moment,” the voice replies and the line goes muffled as the receiver is put down. A moment later the voice returns. “I’m afraid Kili is unavailable at the moment.” And Thorin feels a deep jealous sting in his belly which is making him feel a little sick. “Would you like me to take a message to return your call?”

“Yes please,” he answers and gives his name and reels off his personal mobile number.

As he ends the connection he feels a fluttering in his stomach at the thought of hearing Kili’s voice again and he spends the next half an hour reading the same paragraph five times before he gives up with a sigh and decides to allow himself an early finish. He nods to his secretary and instructs him to divert any calls to his work mobile before taking his leave.

##  Kili

 

Kili has just finished taking a shower as Ori knocks on the door. “I have a message for you,” and he hands the scribbled note to his colleague who has casually wrapped a towel around his waist and whose hair is dripping little droplets of water onto the floor.

“Cheers,” Kili nods and as he reads the note he feels a wide smile creep across his face.

Ori looks at him with interest. “A good message?” he enquires casually.

“Think so,” Kili murmurs. He had not stopped thinking about Thorin from the moment his tall client had left the premises two days ago. He couldn’t get the image out of his head. It wasn’t even the image of him lying spent on the bed for him. But the one of when he had eventually got up and out of bed, his hair dishevelled, his body relaxed as he had given Kili a shy smile. And Kili had felt a little warm tingle flutter through is body which he had never felt before.

He had had a few clients yesterday and one this morning and with a smile painted on his face had gone through the usual motions of ‘the three F’s’ as the boys called it amongst themselves - flattery, foreplay and fucking. But his mind had been with Thorin, pleasuring his body, seeing him wriggle underneath his hands and mouth. And he found himself checking the diary at every opportunity to see if the long-haired man had phoned for another appointment. And every time he had felt a little disappointed when he hadn’t.

“I have never seen you glow like that before,” Ori giggles. “Is this a client?”

Kili nods dreamingly.

“Well, he must be quite something to get you in such a state!” Ori was quite a bit younger than Kili and had fallen into the scene in very much the same way as he. They had become friends almost instantly and Kili looked after his younger colleague like a brother.

“He is,” Kili smiles to himself. “Quite something indeed.”

After Ori leaves Kili pulls his work phone from his locker and keys in the number. It rings once, twice… and then he hears a whole lot of background noise before he can distinguish the deep familiar voice. “Hello?”

“Thorin?”

“Kili! Thank you for ringing me back.” Thorin is just about to pull up in front of his apartment for which he is grateful as his concentration is immediately spent at the sound of Kili’s voice.

“My pleasure. How may I be of service?”

It takes but a second for Thorin to pull himself together. This is familiar territory, arranging appointments over the phone. “I am not sure if I have gone about this the right way, asking for you directly,” he explains. “Perhaps I should make a booking through, I don’t know, a receptionist? But I wanted to see you again. I thought maybe tomorrow?”

“You can book with me,” Kili replies. “But I’m not due to work this weekend.”

The disappointment is clear in Thorin’s voice. “Oh I see. I’m sorry… Ehm, perhaps…”

“But if you take me somewhere nice I can make an exception for you,” Kili quickly interrupts.

“Oh I couldn’t ask that of you, if it’s your day off…”

“Pick me up from the club at say ten?”

Thorin smiles at the boldness of this young man. He clearly isn’t going to take no for an answer. “If you are sure?”

“See you then, sexy,” Kili replies before terminating the call.

Kili stares at the phone in his hand. The club does offer escort services and Kili has done those before. They are nice appointments, mostly involving some form of sex although sometimes his clients really just want a companion to take out for dinner. And Kili had always been spoilt rotten during such appointments. But that’s not the appeal this time round. He really is excited about seeing Thorin again and he doesn’t really mind at all where he is taking him; it can be MacDonald’s for all he cares. All he wants is to look into those lovely blue eyes again. And to see that look on Thorin’s face again. One of lust, yes, but of so much more too. That look that had made Kili feel warm and happy inside. 

Later he goes and finds Balin to tell him of the appointment so that Balin can book it onto the system, but more importantly so that his elder knows where he is. There is a significant risk involved in this line of work, especially when meeting client’s off premise. And although Kili really doesn’t think Thorin is some sort of crazed axe murderer, he knows he always has to be careful.

As Balin logs the details onto the system he raises an eyebrow at Kili. “You were supposed to be off tomorrow.”

Kili just gives him a sheepish smile. “Too good an opportunity to miss.”

Balin looks at him. “Be careful, my lad,” he says seriously. “You know you are not supposed to get involved with a client.”

“I am telling you, aren’t I?” Kili returns.

Balin nods but he knows Kili too well and he cares about the lad too much. “Just be careful.” He reaffirms. But as he leaves Kili there is a smile on his face. He would love nothing more than to see the brunet happy with someone.  


	6. Thrills

“Fucking hell!” Kili cries out as his date pulls up in his graphite grey GranTurismo S.

Thorin steps out with a proud smile and watches Kili drool over his pride and joy. “Look at the wheels, Ori!” Kili is nudging the young man who had been smoking on the doorstep of the club with him. And as he peers through the windows, “Look at all the leather!”

“I thought you might like to take her for a spin today,” Thorin grins. “She handles beautifully.”

Kili just stares at him incredulously. “Say that again.”

Thorin chuckles, “I thought you might like to …”

“Me? You are suggesting that I drive this?” and Kili points at the spotless sport car. Then he laughs and walks up to the tall man. Thorin is dressed in black jeans and a deep blue high collared jumper, which brings out the blue in his eyes beautifully. “Sweety, I don’t even have a driving licence!”

Thorin hadn’t considered that. In his world not having a driving licence is an impossibility. But he’s quick to think on his feet. “Well, in that case I will just have to teach you.” And for once in his life Kili is utterly speechless.

“You’re one lucky fucker,” Ori whispers at Kili as he stubs out his fag.

“Start her up again!” Kili squeals in excitement. And Thorin slides himself back in his seat and turns the key in the ignition to get her purring like lion. He revs her just a little for the full effect and finds Kili and his friend bouncing on their heels like excited school boys. So he pops the bonnet and steps out of the car to show the boys the workings of the engine.

“Fuck, Thorin, this is awesome!” Kili cries out and his quiet friend nods as his large eyes peers over the 4.7L V8 idling like a content kitten. Thorin lets the boys water for a little longer for over the mechanics before he asks Kili, “Ready to go?”

“Have fun and come back in one piece,” Ori smiles to his friend and the younger blond disappears back inside the club leaving Kili and Thorin alone outside.

Thorin holds the passenger door open to his handsome guest and Kili beams from ear to ear as he carefully seats himself onto the soft fawn leather seats. He twists his head this way and that as he tries to take in the wealth contained in this small space. This car must be worth more than he will ever earn in a lifetime. He strokes a finger along the leather trimmings, pushing against it to watch it spring back smoothly.

Thorin has walked around and is lowering himself behind the steering wheel now.

“She really is a beauty,” Kili smiles at him and Thorin swells with pride. His ex-wife had laughed in his face when he had bought this car, throwing the good old midlife-crisis insult at him. But this lovely young man can appreciate what this car means to him. And it makes Thorin warm to him even more.

“Thank you. Now, are you ready to have some fun?”

They look at each other and both sense the little spark jump over between their gaze.

“Oh yes!” Kili grins and Thorin puts his car in gear and presses the accelerator which automatically releases the parking break. And with a deep growl the car pulls away, taking them onto their little adventure.

Kili feels like he is melting into the soft seats. He doesn’t think he has ever been seated this comfortably anywhere, let alone in a car. Thorin steals brief glances over every now and then as he navigates his way out of the city towards the motorway, happiness filling him as Kili’s large eyes scan over all the buttons. He’s like a kid in a toy shop as he presses the window button down and up again and then plays around with the climate controls. “Sorry,” he blushes as he sees Thorin looking at him.

“Don’t be,” Thorin laughs. “But there are more exciting buttons to play with than the hot and cold blower! Just wait until we get out of town and then you can press the Sport button. Now, would you like some music? What do you like?”

“Ehm, what have you got?” Kili asks. He is well aware that regardless of how much he likes this guy he is still on business and he will go with his client’s choice regardless.

Thorin presses the button to the radio and the CD in there springs to life. Kili laughs out loud as he recognises the first few tones and then the strings of Theory of a Deadman’s ‘ _Hurricane’_. He could have guessed that the long-haired man was into his rock music. “Is that alright?” Thorin looks at him and Kili nods smilingly and he takes the liberty to crank up the volume. And before long they are both singing the chorus together, _“I’m caught in a hurricane, I’m leaving here dead or alive.”_ And they are both grinning widely.

“You share my taste in music,” Thorin smiles as the song trails of.

“Looks like we’re well matched,” Kili agrees and he puts a hand on Thorin’s thigh. Thorin tenses under the unexpected touch at first, but he relaxes just as quickly.

“I like you a lot, Kili,” he says shyly as he checks his mirrors and indicates to join the motorway traffic.

Kili’s hand gently strokes over his jeans, a sweet gesture more than anything else. “I like you too, Thorin.” Thorin glances over at him in between navigating a lane swap. “I mean it,” Kili sighs, realising that because of his line of work there is no way for Thorin to tell the honesty in his words.

Thorin doesn’t say anything, just smiles before he starts to sing along to the next song. But he dares to believe Kili’s words. Just how exactly that will plan out between them, considering how things started and where they are now is still a big jumbled mess in his head. And he cannot believe himself as he is coming to the realisation that he is beginning to fall head over heels for the purchased escort.

“Where are we going?” Kili asks him as silence falls between them.

“You’ll see,” Thorin answers mysteriously. “I will just apologise in advance if you were expecting me to take you to some fancy restaurant or luxurious spa. I don’t know if that is what you were expecting, but this will be nothing like that.”

“I wasn’t expecting anything,” Kili replies, but he is intrigued now. “Tell me a bit about yourself. If you don’t mind. I mean you don’t have to…” Kili cringes. He is overstepping his professional boundaries already. Never ask a client about their personal life unless they offer the information up themselves.

But Thorin doesn’t mind. “I don’t think there is anything exciting to tell you, but here goes. I am forty-two, I am CEO of Oakenshield Investments, which is a multinational investment company. I am divorced, I don’t have any children. What else do you want to know?”

Kili swallows, biting his tongue. He should shut up right now. He really isn’t doing his job very well and that is not like him. But he wants to learn more. He really wants to get to know this man. “You were married…” he starts.

“Yes. Eleven years,” Thorin replies. “That’s how long it took me to tell my wife I’m gay.” And he snorts.

Kili really appreciates the simple honesty of those words and all of a sudden he feels an intense sadness for Thorin. “That must have been hard. So you are not with anyone now?” Kili digs his nails into his palm as his nosy tongue continues to talk.

Thorin shakes his head. “I’m not.” Thorin replies. “How about you?”

“Nah,” Kili replies. “It’s not really possible in my line of work, if you know what I mean. Well, some do, but it is asking rather a lot isn’t it, for someone to accept that I sell myself.” And Kili has said the previously unspoken truth. The one that Thorin doesn’t know what to do with right now.

“Are you… Ehm… Gay?” Thorin blushes as he asks the question. But he knows that not all the boys in Kili’s trade necessarily swing that way. It is just a job after all.

Kili laughs. “This is gonna sound real stupid, right. But I don’t actually know. You’ll think me a right douche but I have never actually been with a guy outside of work. Before I started to do what I did, I thought I liked girls. But that was a long time ago, I was just a kid. I don’t really know now.” He looks at Thorin again. “But I like you,” he whispers again.

And Thorin briefly holds his hand and squeezes it, before returning his to the steering wheel.

Kili has never been this far out of the city. Thorin has steered the car off the motorway and they are navigating smaller country roads now, slowly climbing up into the hills. Kili watches Thorin handle the powerful car with ease through the narrow lanes. And as Thorin has to keep all his concentration on the road it allows Kili to look him over again.

Thorin’s question is pounding in his mind. He has never really been in love. Not as an adult. It is just not possible when you have paid sex night after night with different men. Apart from anything else it numbs your senses. Relations become shallow, just focused on one thing and one thing alone. But Thorin does make Kili feel things he hasn’t felt before. Like he wants to kiss him. To taste that mouth and feel that moustache brush against his top lip.

“We’re here,” Thorin shakes Kili out of his dreamy thoughts and Kili looks up to the sign above the entrance. “ _Speed Hill Climb”_ it reads. “You have taken me to a race track,” he laughs. “I love it, you’re awesome!” And to both their surprise he leans out of his seat and presses a kiss against Thorin’s cheek.

“Mr Oakenshield,” the guy at the gate welcomes them as Thorin lowers his window. “Nice to see you again. We have booked the Course for you today as requested.”

“Fabulous,” Thorin smiles. “We will grab ourselves a coffee first and then we’ll go and have some fun.” And they are waved through to the empty car park.

As he parks his treasure and looks to his left he finds Kili staring at him. “What?”

“You are going to teach me how to drive on a race track? Are you mad?!”

Thorin laughs hard. “Maybe just a little. Now, do you want a coffee?” And he is already up and out of his car. As Kili joins him at his side he puts an arm around his waist. Today this is private territory. Thorin has been a good customer of the track over the last few years and has paid good money to hire the track today. He knows he will be treated here with discretion and respect.

As they sit down in the club house with a cuppa Kili glances across the table at his host. “Do you always take your escorts here?” The question leaves Kili’s lips before he manages to hold his tongue.

Thorin stills and Kili thinks he has gone too far as he grabs his forearm and looks him in the eye. “Kili, you have been honest with me, so I will be honest with you too. Wednesday night, what happened at the club between us, that was the first time I had done anything like that. And you are the first person I have brought here with me.”

Kili doesn’t know what to say. He knew Thorin wasn’t a regular at the scene, but although he hadn’t given away all that much with the words, Kili senses an innocence there that is beyond his initial assessment of the man. “Why me? You surely have lots of friends you can take here?”

“Not as many as you imply,” Thorin answers. “We may be in quite different lines of business but my work too makes it hard to meet and spend time with people. I lost a lot of friends through my divorce. And since then I have been practically married to my job.” And he moves his hand down Kili’s arm to wrap his hand in his. “As for why you, I think you are very special. And I know this sounds ridiculous and I am not an idiot. I know that you are here because I am paying for you. But I also hope that you will have a nice day with me.”

“I am not just here because you are paying for me, Thorin,” Kili whispers back softly. He blushes as he lowers his gaze and pulls back his hand.  

They say no more. They can’t. They both know that this is awkward as they continue to sip their coffee.

“Right,” Thorin says determinedly when he has finished his coffee and he pushes back his chair. “Let’s go and play!”

“Are you sure about this? I mean, I am not even allowed to drive.”

“We’re not on the public highway here and I am willing to take the risk. Just remember that if you crash my car it is going to take you a long time to pay that back.” Kili looks at Thorin but smiles at the wink. “I’m joking, relax.”

Kili tentatively takes place behind the wheel. Thorin is going to show him all the controls first and he can practise just moving around the car park for a bit first before they move to the track. And Kili feels strangely grown up sat behind the wheel of this big sport car as he folds his fingers around the soft leather steering wheel.

“Mmm,” Thorin murmurs as he takes a seat next to Kili.

“What?” Kili laughs.

“I just think you look good in control of my car,” Thorin smiles at him.

“You’re distracting me already, I’m not going to be in control at all if you look at me like that!”

“Sorry.” And Thorin goes on to explain the basics of driving a manual car. Clutch, breaks, accelerator. Steering wheel, obviously. Gears. “Well, there isn’t much to it really.” He wiggles the gear stick to make sure she is in neutral. “Go on, make her purr.”

Kili is bubbling over with excitement as he turns the key in the ignition and draws the pitched growl from the engine. “Press the clutch pedal on your far left,” Thorin explains. “Now put her in first. That’s it. Now slowly press on the accelerator as you release the clutch.” Kili manages surprisingly well to make the car move from its spot without stalling it. He presses down a little too hard at first, making the engine howl in disagreement, but soon enough he starts to get a feel for the controls.

“Well done,” Thorin smiles as he buckles himself up. “Just take her around the car park a few times until you feel comfortable.”

The first time Kili breaks they come to such an abrupt standstill that Thorin has to brace himself against the dashboard. Kili flushes in embarrassment. “I’m sorry,” he mumbles, but Thorin just laughs at him and encourages him to try again, a little less abruptly this time.

By the time Kili has gotten the hang of it, they are both laughing comfortably with each other.

“I’m hungry,” Thorin says. “What do you say? Shall we grab something to eat and then we take her for a spin?”

Kili parks up perfectly this time and turns off the engine. “That sounds like a plan.”

The sun is out and it is turning into a rather nice day. Thorin grins at himself as they are sat cross legged on the grass, stuffing a hot dog down their faces. If only his business clients could see him like this, he thinks. This isn’t like him at all. He doesn’t recall the last time he acted this casual around anyone. But it feels nice to for once drop this stiff business manner, to just relax and enjoy life. He cannot recall the last time he did that either.

“This is nice,” Kili smiles as if reading his thoughts and Thorin hums in agreement. Kili shuffles himself a little closer until his thigh brushes against Thorin’s.

Thorin looks at him and without a thought he brushes his thumb over Kili’s lips to wipe away a little blob of ketchup that has landed there. “Sorry,” he stammers, you had…”

He doesn’t get a chance to finish the sentence as Kili swallows the words in a kiss. Thorin cannot be more surprised. “Kili, what? I didn’t think… I’m not supposed to kiss you.”

“We’re not in the club here,” Kili smiles as he blushes slightly. “And you didn’t kiss me, I kissed you. I’m sorry if that’s not what you …”

Sentences are having a tough day reaching their fulfilment as Thorin grabs him and pulls him back into a desperate kiss. “I so do,” he breathes against Kili’s lips. They are alone on the little green hill overlooking the track. There are marshals about, it’s not like they can go all-out here. But a snog isn’t that inappropriate in the open field and Thorin happily accepts Kili’s urgent tongue pressing into his mouth.

As they come apart they are both breathing hard and Thorin realises he won’t be able to get up right away.

“What are we doing Kili?” he sighs. “I don’t want to get you in trouble, I really don’t.”

Kili lets his head hang and he looks so fragile like this. Thorin embraces him and pulls him close, stroking a hand through his hair. And Kili leans into the embrace. He knows Thorin is right. He’s doing this all wrong. He needs to pull himself together. Thorin is still a client. A very wealthy one at that. And he needs to behave accordingly.

“Do you want to drive on the track?” Thorin asks eventually and Kili nods, but he turns his head away from him as he pulls a sleeve across his eyes. When he glances back he has painted that cheeky smile back onto his face and he holds a hand out to Thorin. “Sure, let’s go.”

Thorin is taking the first turn and he has Kili screaming in frightened delight as he throws the powerful car into the corners. He has driven on this track enough times to know the camber and twists of the track well enough to push his car to the limits.

“Fuck Thorin,” Kili breathes heavily as they reach the end of the track, the awkwardness between them earlier already forgotten through the thrill of the ride. “That was fucking awesome!!”

“Now,” Thorin smiles, but he is quite serious. He is not going to let this guy kill the both of them. “I will let you drive, but you must promise me you will take it easy.” His blue eyes bury themselves into Kili’s. “Promise me?”

Kili nods, eager to have a go. As he takes a seat behind the wheel and awaits the thumbs up from the marshal at the starting strip, he slowly accelerates the car. There is absolutely no way he is going to throw this car around the track like Thorin did, he is struggling enough to take it around the sharp bends at a relatively slow speed. But he is loving it nonetheless, laughing hard as he pushes the car through the steep hill climb, hearing the engine growl for him as he builds up speed.

The exhilaration feels wonderful as he finally brings the car to a controlled stop.

“How did I do?” he asks Thorin, bouncing like an excited puppy.

Thorin laughs, “Considering you only first drove a car a few hours ago, I think you are a natural!” And Kili beams widely at the compliment. He doesn’t think he has ever heard anyone tell him he is good at anything other than offering sexual services. And it feels really good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Theory of a Deadman - Hurricane  
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQgrH6DlIW8


	7. For Real (e)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://24.media.tumblr.com/a8acc6b0c1077dc50f0167a91a76b9e6/tumblr_n2wxfqgcpz1traljfo1_500.jpg

They’re both tired as they head back home. Kili had snuck in a quick ciggy before they got in the car and is now dozing in the passenger seat. Thorin glances over as he stops for a traffic light. Kili looks so innocent and beautiful in his half sleep that Thorin would love nothing more than to snuggle up against him. But he will have to settle for something less cosy for the time being and he softly strokes Kili’s thigh.       

“Thorin?” Kili mumbles as the touch wakes him from his light slumber.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you. We’re nearly back though.” Thorin takes away his hand to put his car into gear and accelerates as the light jumps to green. “What do you want to do now? I can take you back to the club if you want? We could have something to eat somewhere. Or… we could go to my place…?”

Kili grins at him. “I’d like that. Your place.”

“Are you sure? If you want to go back that’s fine.”

“Your place, I said, sexy.”

Thorin chuckles.  He is not used to being spoken to in such a direct manner and it’s quite refreshing. “Very well.” And he indicates to turn towards the West side of town.

***

“Blimey, Thorin,” Kili sighs as he steps through the front door onto the dark wooden high polished floor. “This is a nice place you’ve got here.”

“Thank you. It’s okay. I don’t spend that much time here, if I’m honest, so it’s a bit soulless really.” He puts away his and Kili’s coats and shoes before he shows Kili to the living room. “Take a seat. Can I get you something to drink? A glass of wine?”

“Yes please. Red if you’ve got.”

Thorin disappears and comes back with a bottle and two glasses as he seats himself on the black leather sofa next to Kili who is looking around him. “I see what you mean,” he states. “It’s a bit… plain isn’t it? I mean, it’s lovely, it really is. But it could do with something… personal… Some photos maybe?”

“I know,” Thorin smiles as he pours the ruby red liquid into the glasses. “Maybe one day I will, when I have something I actually want to look at.” He hands Kili a glass, “Cheers.” And they clink their glasses together and each take a sip.

“Did you have fun today?” Thorin asks as he puts his glass back down onto the glass coffee table and casually rests his ankle on top of his knee as he leans back against the sofa.

“I so did, Thorin,” Kili beams. “It was absolutely awesome. You are so awesome.”

“Don’t be silly,” Thorin smiles but secretly the compliment makes his heart jump a little. “I had a really great time too. It was really nice to share my passion with someone. And your uncontained enthusiasm is wonderful to behold.”

Kili chuckles. “You put it so poetically. Most would call me a reckless idiot.”

“I think that we probably have that in common, since I was the one letting someone without a driving licence who I have only met twice throw my hundred grand car around a race track.”

Kili almost spits his wine across the plush carpet at the price tag that Thorin has so casually mentioned and he is glad he didn’t know quite the value of what he had under his hands when he was driving it before or he wouldn’t have dared move it so much as an inch.

They take another sip of their wine in that slightly awkward silence of sexual tension that hangs thick between them.

“Thorin, I …” Kili bites his bottom lip as he’s about to make a big leap of faith. “I was going to ring in to the club and clock off.”

“Oh…” Thorin nods, guessing Kili has changed his mind after all and he uncrosses his legs, ready to get back up. “That’s okay. I’ve only had a sip, I can still drop you off. Or I can call you a taxi if you prefer.”

“No,” and Kili places a hand on Thorin’s leg as he looks at him carefully. “You misunderstand me. I want to stay here. That is if you will let me. But off the clock. You know, like just you and me. For real?”

Thorin just blinks at him for a moment. Then he slowly leans himself forward towards Kili’s lips. He doesn’t quite touch them. This has to be Kili’s call, it is just an invitation. An invitation which Kili accepts happily as he presses his lips against Thorin’s, wrapping his arms around his neck as he draws him in closer.

Any last reservations are out of the window now as they are desperately starving for each other. Thorin slides his one hand into the locks behind Kili’s ear pulling him strongly against his lips whilst the other is digging into the softness of Kili’s waist. Kili’s hands are now roaming over Thorin’s back and sliding towards his buttocks as he drags him further down onto the sofa until Kili is on his back with Thorin on top of him. Hungry moans escape their lips as they continue to bite and lick at each other’s mouths, tongues sliding over one another in search of saturation for their thirst.

“Oh Thorin,” Kili groans, “I want you so bad.” As he bites down gently onto Thorin’s bottom lip. “I need you. I really need you.”

Thorin is moving his kisses down over Kili’s throat now, licking down into the dip at the bottom and back up towards his right ear where he nibbles at the soft lobe. “Mmm, Kili, I want you too. So much.” He’s panting heavily as he continues to tease Kili’s ear. The hand squeezing Kili’s waist is now finding its way underneath Kili’s top, touching the soft heated flesh.

“Oh yes, Thorin, touch me. Touch me all over, it feels so good.” They have of course been here before, but this time it feels so very different knowing that they both want this just as much.

Thorin pushes himself up a little so that he can use both of his hands. Kili has his thighs wrapped around his waist now as Thorin’s hands stroke up and down over his chest and Kili lifts his arms in a silent plea for Thorin to help him remove his top. As soon as the garment is removed and on the floor, Thorin bends himself down to kiss every bit of Kili’s flesh that he can reach, with his hands continuing to stroke further up over Kili’s chest and shoulders, down his bare arms until their fingers entwine and squeeze. Underneath his body he can feel Kili growing hard through his trousers and Thorin himself is starting to find the confines of his jeans rather uncomfortable.

“Oh Kili, you’re so very beautiful,” Thorin breathes through his kisses. “You are so perfect.”

Kili gently pulls his hands from Thorin’s grip and slides them under Thorin’s jumper and then down the waistband of his trousers and underneath his boxers to squeeze the soft buttocks, using them as leverage to lift up his hips and press his still confined erection harder against Thorin.

“God, Kili,” Thorin breaths, “I … You … “ He just needs to concentrate on his breathing for a second before he can form a proper sentence again. “You need to phone,” is the most he manages to bring out.

They look at each other, eyes burning with an intense heat that they both know will lead to only one thing. Kili nods and Thorin sits himself up to give Kili space to sit up too. But Kili doesn’t want to let go just yet and he quickly climbs onto Thorin’s lap, taking his mouth deeply once more.

“Kili…” Thorin breathes through their tonguing.

“I know, I know,” Kili whimpers. “I just can’t … let go … of you.”

Thorin gently pushes him back. “Listen, my lovely, I will make you a deal. You phone the club. I go and turn on the shower and you come and join me as soon as you can. How does that sound?”

More hungry kisses eating at Thorin’s lips as Kili pants heavily. “Okay, sexy. Can’t wait to have you all naked and wet for me.”

Thorin sighs deeply at the responding twitch between his legs and presses a finger against Kili’s lips which he deep-throats immediately, before letting go with a soft pop. “Don’t be long,” Thorin winks at him. “I’ll leave the door open. But don’t worry, you won’t get lost. My apartment isn’t that big.”

“Unlike other things,” Kili groans and Thorin pushes him off with a chuckle.

“Off with you.” As he gets up, he pulls the blinds shut, suddenly realising that his opposite neighbours would have had a nice view of their fumbling on the sofa. Oh well, they shouldn’t be so nosy then, he shrugs to himself and leaves Kili alone in the room.

***

“Balin, it’s Kili. Just letting you know that Mr Oakenshield has dropped me off home. Can you book me off, please.” He is ringing from his work mobile so Balin will not be able to tell he’s not where he says he is, but he hates lying to his older friend.

“Sure Kili. Hope it all went okay.”

“It did, I will tell you tomorrow, okay. Gotta go now, pizza guy’s at the door, sorry!” And before Balin can say any more Kili has closed off the call. He stares at his mobile for just a second, feeling guilty for misleading Balin. But he will tell him the truth tomorrow. For tonight all he worries about is Thorin. Mmmm, lovely Thorin ... God, he cannot wait to make love with him. And he feels himself leak into his boxers at the thought.

He jumps up and quickly takes off his trousers and his boxers, finally setting his aching length free as it bounces heavily against his belly upon release. He almost struggles to remove his socks as his cock is pressing at him so hard. But at least he has the clarity of mind to grab the couple of condoms and lube sachets out of the pocket of his jeans before he finds himself stalking stark naked through the plush apartment in search of the bathroom.

Thorin has made it easy enough, the sound of water raining down coming from the room on his far right as he stands in the hallway. His imagination is running wild as he walks towards the open door and the outline of Thorin’s body through the frosted glass is only fuelling his hungry thoughts. He remains still for just a moment, his eyes tracing the shape of Thorin’s, before he slides the door open.

Thorin has his back to him, his thick hair falling like a waterfall over his shoulders and down his back. He glances over his shoulder with a wide smile. “Kili, come join me.”

Kili throw the items he is carrying into the washing basin for later use, before he steps inside the large cubicle. Like everything else in Thorin’s apartment his bathroom is equipped with the latest and best on the market. Three honey coloured tiled walls are closed off completely by the large glass doors, containing the warm steam of the water. The shower unit takes up most of the left wall, with more buttons than Kili thinks could ever be necessary for a shower. The right wall carries a bench, which might come in handy later.

But Kili really isn’t all that interested in the glamour of Thorin’s bathroom. Far more his eyes are drawn to the beauty of the strong muscular body underneath the softly streaming water. Thorin looks after his body well, not letting his hectic corporate lifestyle ruin his good looks. He isn’t one of those types that spends every free moment down the gym, but he does like to jog and he works out occasionally as well as he tries to watch what he eats. And it has paid off as in his early forties he hasn’t lost any of his sexy shape.

Kili’s hands stroke over his buttocks and up his back first, before he wraps them around Thorin’s body, tracing over his chest through the coarse hair, finding the sensitive nipples to tease. As he does, his own body presses closer against Thorin’s back, his cock resting softly against Thorin’s cheeks, making his lover groan gently at the sensation.

“Kili,” he whispers, savouring the sweet name on his tongue. He throws his head back and closes his eyes as he relishes every sensation. The hands roaming his body. The heat of his lover pressing against him. The warm water flowing between them. Kili’s lips kissing the dip between his neck and his shoulders, licking the droplets off his skin.

“Tell me what you want, handsome,” Kili whispers over the sounds of water falling onto their bodies.

“I want you to touch me,” Thorin groans.

“Where? Tell me where you want me to touch you.”

Thorin swallows. He isn’t such a natural at dirty talk as his well-practised lover is.  “I … I want you to touch my cock,” he whispers softly.

Kili shudders in delight at hearing Thorin’s deep voice uttering the dirty request and his hand slides down Thorin’s body, feeling for Thorin’s cock which he finds quickly enough, lying heavy against his thigh. The warm water has softened him a little, but Kili knows that won’t last long at all now he has his hands on him.

Thorin’s groans are intoxicating as he starts to rub his hand up and down his length, feeling the blood quickly starting to fill him again. His other hand is on Thorin’s hip now, pulling him back against his own hardness, grinding himself slowly against the crease between his buttocks, the tip teasing against his lower back.

“Does that feel good, sexy?” Kili whispers hoarsely.

“Mmm, so good, Kili,” Thorin groans back.

Then Kili can feel Thorin’s hand sliding between them, searching for Kili’s length. Their position is a little awkward, but nonetheless having Thorin’s large hand envelop his cock and massaging him in an upward motion feels damn fine.

“Fuck, Thorin,” Kili moans, “that’s good. Oh yes, that’s so good.”

Their breathing is becoming shallower quickly as they both stand rock hard for each other now. Thorin releases Kili as he turns himself around to face his younger lover. His long wet hair is falling gracefully over his shoulders and Kili doesn’t think he’s ever seen anything as sexy as this man, making him twitch in eager anticipation of having the best sex ever with him.  

As their bodies press together, their cocks rub hard against one another and Kili is actually trembling at the sensation. He is so surprised at the depth of lust that Thorin is unleashing in him. After spending well over a decade fucking for money he didn’t think he would ever actually want to just have sex for pleasure anymore. But his body is telling him quite the opposite is true here and he cannot wait for Thorin to sheaf himself deep into him.

“Thorin, I want you,” he whimpers through their deep kisses. “Want to feel you inside me.”

Thorin feels slightly light headed at the request as he grabs Kili’s buttocks hard and rides him back against his body.

“I’ve brought condoms,” Kili breathes hard again. “If you want… will you take me right here?”

“Oh God,” Thorin moans back against his lips. “I do. Oh please. I want to fuck you.”

Kili smiles at the undoing of this well-spoken businessman.

They release each other just long enough for Kili to grab a condom and lube from the basin, whilst Thorin turns the shower to a soft mist that fills the cabin with little warm droplets.

Kili doesn’t need a lot of preparation. He can relax his body at will after so many years of being stretched. But it still feels nicer with a little bit of foreplay. So he takes Thorin’s hand and rubs some of the lube over his fingers, before turning himself and presenting his backside to him, resting his palms on the bench before him.

Thorin marvels over the soft globes pushed towards him, his one hand stroking softly over the curves as the other slicked one traces in between them. He isn’t sure which of them is groaning louder at the touch. Kili’s entrance feels so alien and yet so natural to touch. And the soft moans he’s getting in return for his strokes is like music in his ears, making him leak in desire.

“Finger me,” Kili whimpers at him, wriggling himself back against Thorin’s finger. “Please, Thorin, wanna feel you stroke me inside.”

Thorin thinks he will lose it any second now as he slowly pushes against the furrow, watching in amazement as Kili opens up for him, easily accepting the digit.

“Oh yes,” Kili groans as Thorin gently twists his finger around, gasping at the heat and tightness  grabbing at him. And he cannot begin to think without completely losing control what it will feel like when he pushes his dick in there.

“Another, Thorin,” Kili orders him now. “I can’t wait much longer, please give me another.”

Thorin adds another finger as requested and Kili writhes over them.

“Oh Thorin, so good. Fuck me with your fingers. Fuck them into me real deep.”

Thorin is panting so hard now he is starting to sway and he has to hold on to Kili to keep his balance as he pushes his fingers deeper into Kili’s opening, before slowing pulling them back again. And as he gains confidence in the motion and is rewarded by increasingly loud moans from his lover, he speeds up the rhythm.

Kili squeals loudly as Thorin rubs his fingers along his wall and presses against his prostrate. “Fuck Thorin, just there. Oh fuck yes, that’s so good!” And Kili bucks his hips back as he seeks more of that delicious pressure on his special place.

It takes all his will power and body control not to fuck himself to a quick peak onto Thorin’s fingers. But he wants to feel Thorin’s thick cock filling him more than anything. So he grabbles for the condom he’d left on the bench on which his hands are resting. “Thorin,” he whimpers. “Want your cock in me.”

And he turns himself around to prepare Thorin for such pleasure. At least his job has given him plenty of experience here and is takes no effort at all to roll the rubber over Thorin’s hard cock and slick him up. “How do you want me, sexy?” Kili breathes hard.

“Ehm…” Thorin blushes, feeling very inexperienced at this. “What’s best for you?”

Kili smiles, taking that lovely wet mouth into another kiss as he gently squeezes Thorin’s stones. Then he looks behind him at the built in bench. “How about you sit there,” he grins at his sexy man as he runs his hands through the wet long hair.

They shuffle around and Thorin seats himself onto the bench as suggested, his cock proudly pointing into the air. Kili turns himself around, facing the opposite wall, and grabs Thorin’s length, pushing it against his buttocks. Thorin assists as he gently pulls Kili’s cheeks apart, opening him up as Kili lowers himself down onto his cock.

The tightness and heat is even more intense than Thorin had expected after their foreplay. He cannot stop the loud uninterrupted groans escaping his lips as Kili very slowly takes him deeper, sliding down at an achingly slow pace until he is seated on Thorin’s lap, buttocks pressed against his thighs and Thorin’s dick dug deep into Kili’s body.

Kili keeps still for a moment as he gets used to the feeling. “Jeeze Thorin,” he groans. “You really are well endowed.”

Thorin smirks, not sure whether this is another of Kili’s professional compliments or a genuine one but it doesn’t matter either way as the flattery is nice. “I’m not hurting you am I?” he asks quietly as he lets his hands slide over Kili’s thighs and hips.

Kili shakes his head. “Just getting used to you stretching me so well,” he sighs. He means it, Thorin is big and he feels quite full at it. But he relaxes easily enough and shifts his centre of gravity forward so that he can push himself back up.

He’s setting a slow rhythm at first, lifting himself just a little before sliding back down again, enjoying Thorin’s soft moans at each movement, feeling him rub against his internal walls. And soon he starts to straighten his legs more and he feels most of Thorin’s cock sliding from his body, leaving just the thick tip stretching him wide before he lowers himself down again.

“Kili,” Thorin is grunting loudly under him. “Oh, so hot. So very tight.”

“You like that?” Kili moans back as he enjoys the continued soft warm mist against his skin, mixing with his sweat.

“Oh yes,” Thorin whimpers. “You feel so good. Fuck, so good. Oh my …” And those are the last words in English he manages to say as the rest just turns into groans and grunts as Kili sets a fast pace now, riding himself back harder and harder.

All of a sudden he stops and Thorin jolts in surprise as he was so very close to losing himself in a blissful orgasm. And even now he is balancing right on the edge. “Kili?” he whines softly, struggling to keep himself together.

“I want to look at you when you come,” Kili whispers back. He knows Thorin is right there, but he wants to see that lovely face and the ecstasy painted there as Thorin spends himself.  

“Shit Kili,” Thorin whimpers. “I’ll come if you move now.”

But Kili grabs him hard at his base as he lifts himself off Thorin’s cock, stopping the flow of semen with a well-practised manoeuvre. It’s just enough to stop Thorin from spilling outside Kili’s body as the lithe young man turns himself around, kneeling down onto the bench as he lowers himself back down onto Thorin’s throbbing length.

“Now come for me,” he groans as he proceeds with the maddening rhythm of their joining. And it takes but seconds for Thorin to scream out his pleasure as he pulls Kili’s hips down against his thrusting hips. It’s well worth it as the wrecked look on Thorin’s face as his every muscle seems to melt into ecstatic pleasure is pure art.

“Kili!” is the only word that manages to form in between the deep throated grunts of Thorin’s shuddering release. And Kili keeps his eyes trained on that handsome face as he squeezes every last drop from Thorin. It is only when he feels the final shudders fall from Thorin’s body that he slows his movement and feels for where Thorin’s cock is entering him, holding him there at the base as he lowers himself down one more time.

Thorin’s eyes are closed as he’s panting heavily with hitched breath, before his eyes slowly open and the lovely blue sparkles back at Kili, joined by a shy but beautiful smile.

“That was … amazing,” he sighs breathlessly.

Kili bends himself forward for a kiss, before he slowly lifts himself from Thorin’s member, expertly keeping the condom in place as he does so, until he discreetly removes and ties it into a knot, throwing it into the corner for later disposal.

He extends a hand and pulls a wobbling Thorin gently to his feet, drawing him back into the warm heat of the shower. Thorin manages to press a few buttons to make the water flow more heavily again and Kili finds some lovely smelling shower gel which he starts to rub over Thorin’s highly sensitised skin.

Their lips find each other in a soft, warm wet kiss once more and Thorin claws his hand through Kili’s wet strands of hair. “Kili, that was so good. Thank you so much.”

Kili just returns more urgent kisses, making washing really quite difficult.

But eventually they manage to let go of each other for just long enough to rinse themselves down. Thorin turns off the shower and pulls open the door, handing Kili a soft warm towel from the heated towel rail.

“What about your pleasure?” Thorin asks, as he rubs the material over his body, absorbing the water. His eye falls on the other condom that Kili has left in the sink.

Kili stills. This is uncharted territory for him.

“Sorry, I don’t mean to pressure you. But we’re off the clock right? Just you and me, for real,” he repeats Kili’s own statement. He blushes a little, but he’s on such a high from his own climax that he isn’t shy in his words anymore. “I’d like to see you have that pleasure. If you allow me, then I’d like to make you come too.”


	8. Making Love (e)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin teaches Kili that sex can be beautiful and tender as well as hot.

Thorin gently pulls Kili down onto his bed. Their soaking wet hair drenches the pillows quickly, but he doesn’t even notice it. Kili looks beautiful in his post-coital arousal, pupils dilated, lips swollen, body glowing from their recent joining. His skin is so soft under his touch as he strokes gentle streaks over his chest, through the dark hair curling there.

It is lovely and yet sad to see the young man like this for him. No longer the cheeky sex worker with his easy tongue and expert handling of the staged pleasure. Here on his bed lies a fragile human being who just wants and needs to be loved.

“Kili, let me love you,” Thorin whispers as he looks into the big brown eyes staring up at him. His hand softly strokes the wet strands from his face before tracing the shape of his lips. Kili is silent, just looking at him with so many conflicting emotions flicking through his eyes that it makes Thorin ache for him, wanting to just make the world perfect for him.

Thorin bends himself down to press his lips against Kili’s. They are so soft, so hot against his. Kili opens up a little to him and they breath heat into each other’s mouths as their lips moves apart and then together again in unison. He loves to stroke Kili’s tongue with his own, the slipperiness of that strong wet muscle pressing against his own. It isn’t the hungry tonguing of before, but a more gently exploration of every bit of each other’s mouths. Teasing every sensitive little spot as Thorin licks over his teeth, pushing his tongue underneath Kili’s to press against the tendon there, feeling the intense softness of the inside of his cheeks.

“Thorin,” Kili sighs softly.

“Yes, my love?”

But Kili doesn’t reply with words - he has no words to say - just another pull of Thorin’s mouth against his own as they press their bodies closer together. Their play is starting to have effect and Thorin is amazed at how his body can restore itself so quickly as he starts to harden again.

His hand slides down Kili’s body now as his mouth continues to make love to Kili’s. He can feel the younger man shudder under him as his gently takes hold of his manhood. “Mmm,” Kili moans softly as Thorin gently strokes him, not touching his tip just yet, just savouring the feeling of the thick hardness in the palm of his hand, pulsing ever so softly as he jerks him slowly.

“Does that feel good, Kili?” he whispers softly.

“Yes.” Kili has closed his eyes now.

“Good. This is just for you, okay. This is all about your pleasure. I want you to think of nothing else but how good it feels, me stroking you like this.”

“Mmm,” Kili groans again, sticking out his wriggling tongue in demand for Thorin’s. And Thorin answers his plea, licking across his lips before taking his mouth deeply again.

Kili whimpers softly as Thorin lets go of his lips, but soon sinks down into the feeling of the brushing of Thorin’s beard over his skin, tracing the path down his neck and towards his nipple as he cold wet hair falls onto his chest. He shivers as Thorin’s hot mouth closes over the pink bud, his clever tongue licking around the hard peak. He feels for Thorin’s lovely thick hair to dig his fingers into, to hold onto something as the sensation is threatening to overwhelm him.

Thorin teases both his nipples until Kili is writhing under him, panting and groaning for him.

“I am glad you enjoy that, my sweet boy,” Thorin pants through his licks as he now moves his mouth further down Kili’s body. “There is so much more I want to give you.” His hand is still stroking Kili up and down and as he pulls his hand all the way over the tip he can feel the hot clear liquid coating his palm, sending a jolt straight to his own prick.

He shuffles down the bed now until he rests his head in the dip of Kili’s pelvis, the smell of his sex so close now as Kili’s cock takes up his entire vision. It is so hot to just focus his attention fully on Kili’s manhood like this, taking in every bit of his shape, his feel, his smell. He traces his hand over the coarse hair of Kili’s sack, enjoying the sensation of the stretched skin over the lovely oval stones within. Gently he pushes his finger between the two balls and then twists his finger around to trace back up back to front. Kili trembles under his touch as Thorin strokes gently over his taint, all the while massaging Kili’s now heavy dick with his other hand. He groans softly, getting as much enjoyment from his gentle play as he hopes his lover is getting.

He needs to let go of him for just a moment as he moves to the edge of his bed, jerking open the drawer of his bedside cabinet and fumbling for a condom. He’s got plenty of the damn things, in all variations even a fucking bubblegum flavoured one, which he throws out with a laugh. But he is looking for something a little thinner than the ones Kili had brought with him and when he finds what he is looking for he tears at the packaging in frustration of the interruption.

When he looks up he finds Kili grinning at him. “Sorry,” Thorin groans in embarrassment at his incompetence, but Kili grabs his hand and takes the item from him. “Let me, honey,” he smiles and with ease he removes the packaging and lowers the thin latex over his cock.

“You tell me if this isn’t okay,” Thorin says shyly as he positions himself next to Kili, level with his pelvis. “I haven’t done this before.”

Kili smiles back and just rests himself back into the pillows. “As long as I can feel your mouth around my cock I’ll be happy,” he sighs.

Thorin bends down and softly lets his tongue lap over the tip, gently slapping the heavy member against his lips, before he slowly takes Kili’s crown into his mouth. The sounds coming from Kili’s lips are so arousing he knows he’s soiling his bedsheets a little. But he is only encouraged more to slowly take that lovely cock further into his mouth, enveloping him with the wet heat like Kili had done for him only a few days back. He can’t believe it was only so short ago that they first met, when he first had been touched by Kili. And now he is giving head like they have been lovers for years.

He drowns in the feeling of sucking Kili off, loving the feeling of the hard length versus the soft tip as his lips massage him up and down. He wishes he could taste him, but he knows they have to be safe for now, especially in view of the risks of Kili’s profession. One day, he thinks to himself. One day he will drink every last bit of him.

He can feel the fingers tugging at his hair as he slowly bobs his mouth down along the twitching length.

“Thorin,” Kili groans, “so good. You are doing it so good. Will you … can you finger me … while you do that.” His breathing is hitched and shallow now as he sways against the pleasure.

Thorin lets him slip from his mouth gently. “Anything you want, my sweetheart. This is all for you. I want you to come like you’ve never come before.” And Kili groans deeply as he wriggles himself around.

He doesn’t want to interrupt their love making again, so Thorin takes his index and middle finger into his mouth, spreading ample saliva over them, before returning them to Kili’s backside. He bends over him, so he can see the deep pink fold between the soft buttocks as he teases his fingers over the rumpled skin, making Kili whine softly.

“Oh Kili, I love to see you open for me,” Thorin breathes heavily as Kili pulses his opening for him in desperation to be penetrated. “You have brought me such pleasure. Now let go and just go with the feeling of pleasure I am going to give you. “

Kili moans deeply for him as he very gently slides both his fingers into Kili’s entrance which is still relaxed and open from when Thorin had penetrated him deeply in the shower. He gently twists his fingers around, stroking the wet walls of his rectum, enjoying the feeling of the thick natural lube of Kili’s high arousal. It makes it easy to slide his fingers in deeper as he searches for that little place which he knows will give Kili the ecstasy he needs.

Kili makes it quite obvious when he hits the goldmine, giving a high pitched wail as he bucks up his hips. “Fuck Thorin, yes! Please suck me off while you do that.”

Thorin keeps his fingers rubbing gently over the little nub inside Kili’s body as he bends himself down again to swallow his cock. He lowers his mouth down in the same rhythm as his fingers are pushing in and out of Kili’s backside, slowly increasing the pressure and speed. And he has to fight to keep Kili’s dick inside his mouth now as his lover is writhing so violently under him.

“Come for me, my beautiful boy,” he manages to whisper as he briefly lets go of that delicious sword, before quickly taking him in again.

Kili’s eyes are rolling back into his head now as he can feel his orgasm build up. God, this is so much better than the self-service he has had to settle for for so long. He can’t believe how hot Thorin’s mouth is around his prick, how good it feels to be stimulated by his fingers whilst he is fucking his mouth down onto him. And he feels his balls tighten as the semen flows through his prick, filling the condom in quick intense burst. His hands are clawing through Thorin’s hair now as a large hand is pressing him down against the mattress to stop him from ramming his cock right down Thorin’s throat and choking him. The noises coming from deep inside his throat seem to come from somewhere else, beyond him, as he momentarily loses all sense of reality, just floating on the everlasting climax that Thorin is sucking from him.

When the pulsing through his cock subsides he can still feel his legs tremble from the tensing in his thighs. Thorin is pulling his fingers back now as he slowly releases his cock, letting it slap heavy against his belly.

He just manages to pull off the condom, before all goes black.

***

“Kili? Jesus Kili, are you okay?”

He is vaguely aware of someone shaking him gently but his eyelids feel too heavy to open them.

“Mmm,” he murmurs. “So good.”

“Thank god,” Thorin sighs. “You just blacked out on me.” He pulls Kili into his arms. “Do you want to sleep?”

“Yeah,” comes a barely audible sigh.

"Come on then." And he grabs the heavy body of his lover into his arms as he clumsily pulls the duvet over him. Then he slides himself under the duvet next to his lovely boy, and pulls his naked body against him. Kili is pretty much gone already, sunk into a deep sleep that the high peak followed by the total relaxation of his body has brought on.

Thorin just strokes through his hair and over his back. He can’t believe this is only the second time they are together. Kili feels like he was made to lie in his arms like this. So totally familiar and comfortable in his embrace. “Kili?” he whispers softly, but the only response is a soft snoring. Thorin presses a kiss on his forehead as he pulls him even closer. “Kili, I love you,” he sighs before he drifts off to sleep himself, holding his sweet love close.


	9. Crawling Back to You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter inspired by Draconizuka's link :  
> Arctic Monkeys - Do I Wanna Know?  
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpOSxM0rNPM
> 
> What a perfect song!

Kili is momentarily confused when he wakes up in the big soft bed in the stylishly decorated bedroom. It takes a few seconds for his mind to switch back into focus and recall how he ended up here. “Thorin…” he smiles to himself but the bed next to him is empty. He rests himself back into the soft pillows for just a little longer, enjoying the memories of what went before.

It feels like a dream. The best wet dream ever. They had had great sex in the shower and then … Had Thorin really gone down on him in this very bed? He grins widely as he can feel himself twitch. Yes he had and my word, it had felt so good. Thorin had been so nice to him, caressing and kissing him, making him shiver all over. And then his lovely mouth had wrapped around his … Ungh, he needs to have a cold shower otherwise he will be messing up the lovely cotton sheets of Thorin’s bed and that would be a terribly rude thing to do.

He realises he has no idea what time it is; is it still Saturday night or the next morning already? His tummy is rumbling in protest so he guesses probably the latter. He also really needs a fag. Well, more than a fag really. He last had a proper smoke with Ori, before he and Thorin had set off on their day trip. And it is making him feel a little jitterish.

Then a soft humming is reaching his ears over the faint smell of cooking. He pulls the duvet off and realises his clothes are still on the floor of Thorin’s living room. But there is a dressing gown hanging behind the door and although he knows it’s cheeky, it’s probably a better option than striding into Thorin’s living room stark naked. What if he has guests? Kili chuckles at the thought of Thorin sat with a business partner in his living room and him walking in like this, cock swaying in the open air.

The material is soft on his skin as he wraps himself in the gown and he grins at his reflection in the mirror, looking glamorous and sexy with his wild bed hair. He knows he looks good and he hopes Thorin will feel the same.

He pushes the bedroom door open and steps into the hallway. The smell of bacon and eggs is hitting him in the face now and his body is battling the smell between hunger and nausea. He needs a fag first really. He never normally has breakfast, even though it smells good.

He can make out more clearly Thorin’s singing now. He has a beautiful voice, deep and warm. He recognises the song now too as he steps into the living room.

_Have you no idea that you're in deep?_

_I dreamt about you nearly every night this week_

Thorin is standing in the open plan kitchen with his back to him as he sings along pitch perfect, his rumbling baritone carrying smoothly across the room.

_…_  
 _If this feeling flows both ways?_  
 _…_  
 _Was sort of hoping that you'd stay_  
 _…_  
 _That the nights were mainly made for saying things that you can't say tomorrow day_

Kili freezes in the doorway as he listens to Thorin singing along to the song. Of course, it’s just a song. There are millions of songs out there with millions of lyrics and they don’t mean anything. Do they? Or was there really something that Thorin had said in the night that he cannot say now? And a subconscious memory surfaces in Kili’s mind. Of a distant whisper that had sounded like “I love you.” Could that be true? No of course not. They barely know each other. Thorin is a successful businessman who has this perfect life. He had just been after a good lay and that is why he had sought Kili out, as so many before him. But he was hardly going to waste his time on a cannabis smoking hooker. He would probably come back to him again for a blow job or what not. But that would be as far as it would go.

Kili has walked silently up to the breakfast bar as he listens to the beautiful voice singing all the words he wants to say. Thorin still doesn’t know he’s there.

_So have you got the guts?_  
 _Been wondering if your heart's still open and if so I wanna know what time it shuts_  
 _Simmer down and pucker up_  
 _I'm sorry to interrupt. It's just I'm constantly on the cusp of trying to kiss you_

Kili’s breath hitches. Does he mean those words?

 _I don't know if you feel the same as I do_ _  
But we could be together if you wanted to_

“I do…” The words are out of his mouth before he even realises he has said them.

Thorin literally jumps at the voice behind him and almost drops his plate on the floor. He whirls around to find Kili standing behind him in his dressing gown. His wild hair peaking in all directions, feet bare on the soft carpet. He looks every bit the perfect picture of love in his head.

“Kili,” he smiles widely. “Good morning. You do what?”

Kili blushes heavily. Of course Thorin wasn’t singing about him, wasn’t really asking for them to be together. He was just singing along to a stupid song. “Nothing,” he grumbles. “I was just going to ehm… have a smoke. Sorry,” he pulls at the sleeve of Thorin’s dressing gown,” left my clothes in the living room.”

“That’s okay.” Thorin puts his plate down and walks up to him and before Kili has a chance to think he puts his hands in the strands behind Kili’s ears and draws him into a deep kiss. “You look beautiful,” Thorin sighs deeply, giving him a warm smile. “Did you sleep okay?”

“Yeah, thanks.” And Kili flees back into the living room as he starts to gather up his clothes and his bag which he’d dropped next to the sofa. “I’ll just get dressed…” he mumbles.

“Sure.” Thorin is a little worried about Kili’s behaviour now. Is he avoiding him? Is he regretting what passed between them last night? “Do you want any breakfast?” He calls after him.

“Yeah, just gonna have a smoke first.”

“You can stand on the balcony. Sorry, it’s rented you see, I cannot let you…”

“That’s okay,” Kili shrugs. He is hardly going to light up in here anyway. And he is out of the room in a shot.

Thorin sighs as he sinks himself down on the barstool behind the breakfast bar. He stabs at the sunny side of his fried egg but he has lost his appetite now. Is he really being this stupid? Did he really think that there could ever be anything more between him and Kili than sex? Had he misinterpreted Kili so badly last night? He had thought, since Kili had clocked off… But perhaps he had just meant to have a good time for himself. And who could blame him. That didn’t mean that he wanted there to be anything more between them. After all, he is thirteen years older than Kili. Why ever would Kili want to be with someone like him?

***

When Kili returns to the living room he is washed and dressed and has tied his hair back, which makes his fringe look even more unruly than normally. He looks a lot happier now than he did earlier and Thorin breathes a little easier.

“What can I get you?” he asks. “Coffee, tea? I can do you a fry up if you want? I am not a very good cook but I can fry eggs and bacon.”

Kili smiles at Thorin. He looks damn sexy in his jogging bottoms and casual t-shirt and he just wants to bites down on those lovely buttocks that sway before him as Thorin moves around the kitchen. “Coffee, please. And some toast please if you have.”

“Are you sure? Nothing else?”

“Nah. Not such a morning person. I am a night worker, remember?”

Thorin puts a mug of coffee before him as Kili seats himself onto the high stool. The heavy sweet smell of weed hits him in the face like a storm cloud. He doesn’t say anything though. He’d smelled it on Kili yesterday morning too and he hadn’t been surprised. How can anyone do what Kili does without having something to numb the senses after all? It is not his place to pass judgement.

He turns around to put a couple of slices of bread in the toaster and they don’t speak until the bread pops back up and Thorin places them on a plate in front of Kili, pushing the butter and a knife towards him.

Kili is flicking through the messages on his personal phone, tilting the screen slightly away from Thorin. The first one is from Ori, asking him if he’s having a good time. Kili presses reply and his fingers slide nimbly over the digital keyboard as he swipes a quick reply: _“Amazing day, amazing night!! ;P Catch u 2morrow. Shift starts at 7.”_

The second one is from his brother. _“Hey Kee. Just seeing how you are. Haven’t heard from you for a while. Making sure you’re still alive. F.”_

Kili sighs and turns off the screen. His brother had been trying to make contact a couple of times recently, but Kili is still mad with him for the way he had sneered at him the last time they met, so obviously disapproving of Kili’s life whilst he came sauntering in showing off his flash car and his expensive suit. They had argued loudly as Fili had told him he needed to get himself a proper job. That he could make something of his life if he just tried a little harder. And Kili has shouted back that he was good at what he did and that Fili should just get off his back and fuck off out of his life if he wasn’t going to accept that. And that’s how they’d left it, anger smouldering between them.

“Are you okay?” Thorin is looking at him, concerned at the expression on his face.

“Yeah,” Kili shrugs as he stuffs his phone away.

“You don’t look okay. Has someone upset you?”

“Just my brother…” Kili picks up the knife and starts to butter his toast. “Thanks for this.”

“You can talk to me if you want. You don’t have to, but it might help?”

Kili sighs. “Nothing much to say. He just thinks I’m a waste of space. That I’ve made a right mess of my life.”

“Older brother?” Kili nods. “He is probably just worried for you, Kili. I can understand that. I am hardly in a position to comment on what you do. But if you were my little brother… Well, what you do is … unconventional.”

Kili snorts. “Do you have any brothers or sisters?” He looks up at Thorin.

“I had a brother.” Thorin sighs and his eyes look sad now. “He killed himself when he was sixteen.”

Kili feels a cold shiver run down his spine and he instinctively grabs Thorin’s hand. “Fuck, Thorin, that’s … awful. I’m sorry.”

Thorin shrugs. “It’s a long time ago now.” He’s not ready to talk about it with Kili yet and therefore guesses it is only fair that Kili isn’t ready to talk with him about the strained relationship with his own brother either.

He lets Kili eat his toast in peace as he clears away the pans and plates before he asks Kili to sit with him on the sofa.

“Kili,” he begins, his heart bouncing in his throat. “I think we need to talk.”

Kili freezes, looking at him concerned. “What about?”

“I ehm… What happened between us last night… I think maybe it meant something different to me than it did to you.”

Kili looks away, feeling cold to the bone. Of course, he had been right. Thorin had gotten a nice free fuck out of him but he was now going to tell him that he needed to get out.

“I don’t really know how to say this,” Thorin sighs, afraid to even touch Kili who seems to have put all his barriers up now. “That’s ehm … why I played that song. As it sort of says what I want to say.”

Kili glances back now, confusion flitting across his eyes.

“That I don’t know if you feel the same as I do,” Thorin explains, realising he’s being cryptic.

“And what is that?” Kili asks, lowering his defences but an inch and bracing himself to get hurt.

Thorin blushes. “This will sound crazy, I know. I have never believed the romantic notion of love at first sight. Until I met you, Kili. I … I think I am falling in love with you.”

A heavy silence falls between them, pressing down onto the both of them. And Thorin takes it as a confirmation that Kili doesn’t return his feelings as he moves to get up.

But Kili stops him with a hand on his thigh. “How will that work between us, Thorin?” he asks. “What if I did feel the same way? How is this going to work, doing what I do?”

Thorin sighs deeply. Sometimes Kili comes across so young and naive. But here he reminds Thorin that he is no child. That he is an adult man who is well aware of what life is all about. Of what he does for a living and what implications that brings with it. “I don’t know. I could not ask you not to do what you do, I get that. It is your life, your choice.”

Kili laughs out loud, but it is a cold, sad laugh. “You really think that, Thorin? Are you really that stupid? That I open my butt for every guy in the city because I choose to?”

Thorin is taken aback by the sudden outburst, feeling reprimanded. “Sorry, that’s not what I meant…”

But Kili is already on his feet, grabbing his bag. “I hope you had a good fuck out of me, Mr Oakenshield,” he shouts through tears. “Feel free to call in whenever you are horny next and I will make sure to serve you well.” And he runs out of the room, to find his shoes and coat.

“Kili!” Thorin chases after him and he grabs his shoulders.

But Kili fights back. “Don’t touch me!”

And Thorin pulls his hands back as if he’s just burnt himself. And he just watches him in stunned silence, shaking as Kili fumbles with his shoes and pulls on his coat. “Good day to you, sir,” he spits as he pulls open the front door and races down the steps.

“Kili, let me at least take you…” Thorin tries, but Kili is already running down the street. He can look after himself. He doesn’t need this pompous business man to pamper him like a baby.


	10. An Awkward Encounter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For witchesdelite - Happy Birthday!!
> 
> (Ps. I am sorry this is such an angsty chapter on your birthday...!)

### Thorin

Thorin feels totally numb as he stumbles back into his living room and sinks himself down onto the sofa. What the hell had just happened? How did him trying to tell Kili he was in love with him somehow turn into Kili blowing up in his face and running out of the door? He knows he is not very good at speaking openly about his feelings, but he hadn’t thought he was quite this bad at it.

His fists are balling and he finds himself punching the living daylights out of the leather arm rest in frustration. “Fuck fuck fuck!” He isn’t one to use explicits with quite the same ease as they roll off Kili’s tongue, but what else is there to say? This is not at all how this moment had played out in his head. He had expected Kili to tell him he didn’t feel the same way. He had been totally prepared for that response, probably more so than Kili implying that he might feel the same way. Then where did it all go so wrong?

He is feeling so utterly confused as he rubs his hands over his face. “Oh Kili, what did I do wrong?” He is not going to cry. What good is that going to do? He needs to pull himself together and decide on the best course of action.

What does he want? What does he really want? Kili is clearly a very damaged individual. Would he actually be able to deal with that? But what else was he expecting? That a young man like that would happily lie with strangers every night and come out of it perfectly okay? Why does he even think he can help Kili? He knows nothing about him really. Getting involved with him is like opening Pandora’s box. There’s obviously the prostitution, the drugs, this difficulty with his brother and who knows what else is lurking under the surface of that sweet face. Is he really prepared to get himself involved in all of those issues? He has a good life right here, has done well for himself. Why should he complicate all that for a sex worker whom he has but slept with twice.

“Because I love him,” he thinks. _Don’t be ridiculous_ , a feeble voice is telling him from within, _you cannot love someone you have known for less than a week._ “But I do,” he tells the inner voice to shut up. “I really do love him.”

He wonders now how Kili has ended up in his situation in the first place. He had not really thought about that question before. How does someone one day decide to have sex for money? Surely no one does that voluntarily. And that is very much what Kili had hinted at. That he had no choice. Was he forced into it? Was he still being forced to do what he does now? “Shit.” The thought makes Thorin feel sick to the point where he is actually running to the bathroom to throw up. He feels like he is a complicit in Kili’s desolation. Like he has raped him. Perhaps that is exactly how Kili feels. “Oh fuck, Kili, why didn’t you say?” And he is crying now, damn it. What a mess this is.

### Kili

His head is pounding as he sits on the backseat of the 49 bus taking him back to the other side of town.  He is not quite sure what has just happened. One moment he was feeling like the happiest man alive waking up with the memories of the wonderful night he had had with Thorin. And the next Thorin had somehow managed to push his self-destruct button.

What exactly had he said that had made Kili fire up like that? That what he was doing was his choice? What was he expecting? That this posh idiot had any idea what went on in Kili’s world? He had probably been given his job by his rich daddy and never had to worry about a thing in his life. Does he really honestly think that Kili does what he does because he wants to? Well, he supposes they all do. That is how they sleep at night, his clients, thinking that Kili enjoys them fucking him just as much. That he cannot wait to take another cock and that this is all he has ever dreamt of – being a pay-as-you-go provider of pleasure to horny businessmen. Of course none of his clients want to think about the deep misery that lies underneath that cheeky surface. That is not what they are paying for.

Thing is, he had enjoyed sleeping with Thorin. Last night had been real. He would never had let Thorin suck him off if it hadn’t been. Both times had been genuine intimate moments between them and he had felt so happy.

And then Thorin had said all that crazy stuff about falling in love with him. Stupidly enough it had been exactly what Kili had so desperately wanted to hear. And yet on the high of his smoke he had been so utterly confused by what Thorin wanted from him. One moment he thought he really wanted to be with him and then the next he thought that he was just toying with him.  After all, how could someone like Thorin genuinely want to be with someone like him? He has no idea what Kili’s life is like. All he sees is his pretty little face and his nice little ass. How does that make him any better than all the other guys before him?

But he regrets running out like that now. If nothing else Thorin is a client of the club. He has been a total idiot. He had slept with a client outside of work. And then he had managed to insult him on top of it all. Thorin could easily put in a complaint and have Kili out on the street with but a flick of his rich fingers. And there would be nothing Kili can do about it. He is completely at his mercy. As he always has been at the mercy of one person or another.

“Shit shit shit,” he kicks the chair in front of him, drawing a disapproving glance from an elderly lady a few seats ahead of him. Aaargh, why is he just such a total twit? His brother is right; he is a complete waste of space. What is he even still doing here on this planet? What purpose does his life serve? Maybe he should just end it all. End his own misery.

### Fili

He checks his phone one more time. Still no response.

“Just leave it, honey,” his wife brushes a hand through his hair. “He will get in touch when he is ready.”

“I know. I’m just worried. There is just something, I don’t know what. Like a sixth sense.”

“If you are that worried then why don’t you go and see him? Even if just to put your own mind at ease?”

Fili nods. “Yeah, I think I should. You don’t mind do you?”

His wife kisses him on the cheek. “Of course not, my love. He’s my brother-in-law too.”

### Thorin

He cannot just sit here in his apartment feeling sorry for himself. Even if Kili never wants to see him again he needs to know that he is safe. He still has his mobile number from when Kili returned his call on Friday, which is his first point of call. But it rings straight through to voicemail, which has an automated message of the club on it. Of course, this must be his work mobile and he is obviously not at work today.

The only other thing he can think to do is to drive to the club. He has no idea where Kili lives. And he doesn’t know what time the club opens, if it is even open at all on a Sunday. But he cannot just sit here and do nothing. He has obviously upset Kili even if unintentionally. And Kili is in a fragile state of mind, high on grass and clearly not thinking straight. He will never forgive himself is something happens to him.

He grabs his coat and phone and skids down to the double garage underneath his apartment where he jumps in his daily runner.

A thousand and one things are going through his mind as he drives the now familiar route to the club. First and foremost he cannot get Kili into trouble. Why didn’t Kili just stay and listen to him? Listened to what he was trying to tell him. He had just wanted to love him, to make him happy.

He arrives there before he knows it and as he pulls up he still his no answer for his conundrum. He hesitates before getting out of his car. If anyone is there what on earth is he going to say? How can he help Kili rather than contribute to his destruction by getting him into trouble?

As he sits there breathing heavily, trying to figure out what to do, there is a tap on the window that makes him scream out in fright. When he looks up at the perpetrator he finds the blond boy whom he had met the day before staring through the window.

He presses the down button and the window slides down. “Mr Oakenshield?”

“Yes.”

“I just got a text from Kili. I… I’m worried about him.”

“So am I.”

“I’m sorry, it’s not my place, but did something happen?”

Thorin’s mind is racing. “Do you know where he lives?” The blond nods. “Please get in and I’ll take you to him.”

Ori hesitates for just a moment. It’s a bad idea to get into the car of a client without anyone knowing about it and this man has clearly upset Kili. He doesn’t know what has happened between them but the text Kili had sent him has sent an icy chill down his spine.

“Please,” Thorin begs him.

He has to help Kili and he has no transport of his own. Time could be of the essence. So Ori nods and walks around to take a seat next to Thorin. He gives Thorin the postcode, which the tall man programs into his satnav before they set off.

“What did he say?” Thorin asks as he glances over. “Sorry, I don’t even know your name.”

“Ori. Ehm… Just that he had fucked up …” He hesitates to repeat the second part of the text.

But Thorin senses there is more. “What else?”

“That he thinks everyone is better off without him.”

“Fuck!” Thorin slams his hand against the steering wheel – making Ori jump in his seat - and he presses the accelerator even harder, honking his horn at the slower car in front of him. And all the while is there is but one horrible image flashing before his eyes. Of finding his brother dead in his bedroom. And although he is not a religious person he prays best he can that history is not going to repeat itself.

### Kili

He regrets sending the text to Ori as soon as he’s done it. He hadn’t meant to sound quite so dramatic. He isn’t going to do anything stupid. He should probably send another, just to reassure his friend. But that means getting up and he really cannot be bothered with that. Laying here on his bed in the comforting haze of his smoke is far better. And if he just stays here long enough the world will go away for him.

Now that he has calmed down his mind is actually strangely clearer than it was before. He is right at that point were the drug is actually sharpening rather than numbing his senses. When all of a sudden everything seems to make perfect sense just before he will feel like he is floating on a cloud of kittens.

And in that brief moment of clarity he comes to a startling realisation. That Thorin is the first person in his life who has ever told him that he is in love with him. And that no matter how stupid that may sound or how impossible it is that anything can really be between them, he knows in his heart of hearts that he feels the same way. And that if things were different he would not hesitate to tell Thorin that.

### Fili

After Fili had finished university he had moved back to a village just outside of the city were his brother worked and lived. But even though on a Sunday it takes Fili less than twenty minutes to drive to his brother’s house, it’s like entering a different world. Gone are the well-kept front lawns , the perfectly painted window frames and practical family cars. Here the streets are littered, there is barely a bit of green in sight and boy racers are hanging out on the corner revving their suped-up cars in a maddening noise.

He wishes his brother would just give up on his pride and accept his help. It is not even that he has a problem with his line of work anymore. It is not something he likes to think about – who does want to think about their younger brother having sex, let alone for money – but he could accept it if that was what Kili really wanted to do. But his little brother just seems to think he isn’t capable of doing anything else. And Fili knows that that is so not true. If it wasn’t for the drugs his brother would have done so much better in life. He is clever enough. Fili still doesn’t know what actually happened, how Kili ended up working as a prostitute. Kili has always refused to talk about it. All he knows is that one day their mother had had enough of Kili bringing drugs into their home and had kicked him out in the hope that he would do something useful with his life. Fili had been fuming with her, shouting at her how on earth throwing Kili onto the streets was ever going to help him? And why had she not called him? But by that time Kili had already vanished from the face of the earth and it had taken nearly four years for Fili to track him down. He had been appalled when he had first learnt that his brother was working in the gay sex industry. For starters he didn’t even know his brother liked men. Not that that had bothered him. He would have been more than happy for him if he had told him he had a nice boyfriend who he was happy with. But this …

But Kili was still his little brother. And Fili just wanted the best for him. He had tried. So many times he had tried to convince his brother to leave the industry, to find a better job and have a better life for himself. But every time Kili had just taken it as a criticism and immediately gone on the defensive. And it almost felt as if he couldn’t accept repairing their relationship. That he couldn't allow himself to have even the slightest bit of a normal life; as if he had an addiction to the misery that seemed to follow him around. And Fili felt like he was fighting a losing battle.

### Thorin

“Here!” Ori shouts as he points to a grey three-storey building. Thorin throws his car onto the pavement and is out before Ori has barely unbuckled his seatbelt. He runs after the taller man. “This one, second floor.” He pushes the door open, nearly falling over the rubbish bag plonked right next to it.

They take the stairs two steps at a time. “Here,” Ori says and Thorin has already pushed past him, relieved to find the door unlocked.

“Kili?” he shouts. “Kili, where are you?”

The apartment is bare, with some worn furniture in the front room and a few dirty plates in the sink. But Thorin isn’t here to judge the living conditions. He pushes open the next door along the hall and finds Kili lying face down on the bed.

“Kili!” He is on his knees, shaking the limp body of his love. “Kili, please wake up.”

The soft groaning initially is a relief. At least he’s alive. But the lack of a comprehensive response as Kili isn’t moving by himself is equally worrying. “Kili, look at me. I am going to turn you over, okay?” And he does just that, rolling Kili gently onto his side, holding him there. “Kili, please look at me. Have you taken anything? Anything other than weed?” He watches Kili carefully as he very slowly moves his head from one side to another. “Kili, I have to be sure. Have you taken any other drugs?” Another barely noticeable shake of the head. “Have you drunk anything?” A slight nod this time. “Okay, okay.” He looks over his shoulder where Ori is hovering in the doorway. “See if you can find any bottles. I need to know how much he’s drunk.” And Ori is off like a shot.

Thorin pulls Kili up and into his lap now as he seats himself on the end of the bed, cradling Kili’s head. “Oh silly boy. What did you do? I just want you to be okay. Please be okay.”

Kili is groaning louder now. It’s like a pained whimper.

“I found this one,” Ori is back and holds up a half empty vodka bottle.

“Nothing else?”

“No.”

“Kili, is that all you’ve drunk? Just the one bottle?”

Kili nods heavily.

Thorin sighs. He hopes that Kili is telling him the truth. Should he ring an ambulance? Probably, just to be on the safe side. “Kili, I am going to ring for help, okay. Just to make sure you are okay.”

“No!” The response is slurred but at least it means that Kili hears what he is saying.

“I must, my love.” And Thorin gently pushes Kili back onto the bed and is in the process of pulling his phone from his pocket when a stranger appears behind Ori in the doorway.

“What the hell is going on?” he calls out. “Who are you?!” Ori makes himself invisible as the latest visitor strides up to Thorin. “Well?”

“A friend,” Thorin replies. “And you?”

“I’m his brother!”


	11. Not So Different

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit of tenderness between Thorin and Fili after the angst of the previous chapter.

Fili brushes past the tall stranger in his brother’s bedroom and sits himself down onto Kili’s bed. “Kili, are you okay?” A soft groaning comes from Kili, who has now rolled onto his back. “Do I need to call an ambulance?”

“No.”

“Okay.” He grabs his brother’s hand and squeezes it. “Shit Kili, I don’t know what to do with you anymore. Why do you keep doing this to yourself?”

Another soft groan as Kili opens his eyes a little. It stabs right into Fili’s heart, those big sad brown eyes. He just wants to make everything okay for him. To flick his fingers and make the world alright for his little brother. But he keeps failing him time and time again.

“I’m ehm.. . I’m going to catch the bus back,” Ori pipes up quietly from the corner.

“I’ll drop you back off if you want,” Thorin says. This is all very awkward. They shouldn’t be here, witnessing this private moment between the two brothers. He has no right to be here.

“Wait,” Fili calls out as they are about to leave the room. “You said you were a friend.”

Thorin stops and nods and curses the slight blush in his cheeks.

“Look, I don’t care what kind of friend. But right now I need help. I cannot do this on my own anymore. If you care for him – and clearly you do – will you please come back. I just … I just need to talk to you.”

Thorin nods. “Okay.”

“Thank you.”

Once the other two have left, Fili lays himself next to Kili on the bed, pulling his brother into his arms. “We are going to sort you out, okay,” he whispers to him. “I am so mad with you, but I know you cannot do this on your own.” Kili is whimpering again, but he responds to the embrace, wrapping him arms around his big brother. “You will always be my little brother, Kee, and I will never stop caring about you. We will get through this. I know you are going to hate me for it for a while, but I cannot watch you do this any longer.” A hitched sob tears at his heart strings. “Can you talk?”

“Nnnh.”

“I guess not. The tall guy who was here, is he okay? Do you trust him?”

“Yes.” Just a whisper but enough of an answer.

“Is he your lover?”

No response.

“Okay, you don’t need to tell me if you don’t want to. But I hope he is because I am going to ask a lot of him.”

And they stay in a silent embrace, Fili stroking his brother’s hair and back, until he can hear the front door open again.

***

Thorin is standing by the window in the front room when Fili walks in.

“Thank you for coming back.” The man nods at him, looking strangely casual for someone who has the air of someone important. He looks like he has pretty much rolled out of bed and into his car to get here.

“I’m Fili,” and he extends a hand.

“Thorin.” His handshake is strong, business like. “This is awkward,” he sighs.

Fili smiles and nods. “Yes. Trust me, it is just as awkward for me.”

“I appreciate that. Shall I try and make us a drink?”

Fili snorts. “I wouldn’t count on there being anything in the cupboards to make a drink with. Let’s just sit down.”

They take a seat on opposite sides of the room. The room isn’t messy; in fact it is remarkably tidy, Thorin thinks. Just bare.

This is possibly the weirdest circumstance under which to meet the brother of the person he loves, Thorin thinks. He folds his hands into his lap as he looks at the man opposite him. He has some of Kili’s streaks in his features but if you met them in the street you wouldn’t be able to tell they were brothers. Fili looks well-groomed with his wavy blond hair and neat moustache and beard. His eyes are a clear blue, so the opposite to the dark brown of Kili’s. They are kind eyes though, if not a little sad.

“I don’t know what to do anymore,” Fili sighs. “I have tried so hard over the last few years to get him on the right path. And yet I keep failing him.”

“No,” Thorin replies to his surprise. “You must never say that. You are not failing him. You are still here, trying to look after him. Look at the state he is in. I know people who would have turned their back a long time ago. But yet here you are, talking to a complete stranger about how to get help for him. You are not failing him, Fili. He is failing himself.”

Fili is taken aback. He has never met this man before and yet he is talking to him like they have known each other for years.

“Excuse me, I obviously don’t know you. But how do you know anything about any of this. You don’t look like the kind of person who knows much about Kili’s lifestyle to be honest.”

Thorin looks at him without blinking. “Neither do you.”

Fili doesn’t know whether to hug or hit the man. He has quite a cheek to speak to him like this. But then that is exactly what this situation is going to need. Someone who isn’t afraid to speak his mind and give Kili the kick up the backside that Fili has never been able to give him.

“Look, Thorin says. “I understand this is all rather awkward for the both of us. We don’t know each other at all. But I promise you I care for your brother and I want to help him. So I am going to tell you a little bit about me. To explain where I am coming from. And then you can judge whether you will allow me to help you help him.”

Fili sits back and nods.

“Kili seems to think that I just rolled into the life I am living now. But it wasn’t like that. I came from quite an ordinary family. And there were lots of problems at home. My father was an alcoholic. He beat our mum; he beat me and my brother too. Then one day, my mum had enough and she left him. But she left us too. She’d met someone who already had children of his own. She said she wanted a fresh start. I can understand that, but I cannot understand how a mother can leave her two under-aged sons with someone as violent as my father. Anyhow, she did and things only got worse at home since our father only had us to vent his anger on. So I left school when I was sixteen and started working. Anything to get away from my dad as much as possible; I worked all hours under the sun. I tried hard to make a better life for me and my brother. But Frerin started to go downhill. Got in with the wrong crowd, started doing drugs.”

Fili stares almost open-mouthed at Thorin, the story sounding awfully familiar.

“I tried to help him. I found a good job, promised him I would find us a place together away from our father and that I would get him help. But I guess it was too little too late. He never left a note, so I don’t know what pushed him over the edge in the end. He took an overdose. I found him in his bedroom, but he was already gone by the time I got to him. I didn’t see it coming, never thought he would do that. I still blame myself. Wishing there was something I could have done differently…”

The silence stretches between them. Thorin is lost in his own awful memories and Fili is just stunned at the shocking revelations of a total stranger.

“Look, I do blame myself but yet I know there wasn’t anything else I could have done,” Thorin tries to reassure Fili. “And I guess you blame yourself too. But we can only do our best. In the end they need to want to help themselves.”

“Where did you come from?” Fili smiles awkwardly. If he was a religious person he would have believed god had sent down an angel.

“Southend,” Thorin laughs and the ice between them is broken as they both chuckle together.

“So where do we go from here?” Thorin asks.

“He just needs to be away from here,” Fili says. “That’s the one thing I have never been able to do for him. To just take him away somewhere. Away from the club, from his dealers, his clients.” He looks up at Thorin, guessing at the relationship between him and his brother. They look at each other tentatively for a moment, but he doesn’t pursue the subject.

“I can do that,” Thorin replies resolutely. “If you will allow me, I can take him away from the city for a while. He won’t be able to go cold turkey though. We’ll have to find some way… Do you know if he uses anything else other than cannabis?”

Fili shakes his head. “Not as far as I know. If he wants out of it he just drinks himself into a stupor alongside it.”

Thorin nods contemplatively. “Thank you for this trust you are placing in me.”

Fili snorts. “To be honest with you, Thorin, I am clutching at straws here. But I really don’t know what else to do. Kili seems to trust you. And if what you’ve told me is true… Well, you and I don’t seem to be that different after all.”

“I will need your help, though,” Thorin stresses. “I can take him away; I can and will care for him. But he is going to go through some really tough times before he comes out at the other end. And there will be things he needs to talk about, questions he will want to ask that I cannot answer for him.”

“I know. I will give you my mobile and you can call me any time you need to. And if you don’t disappear too far out of the area I can come round when you think he is ready to see me.”

“Thank you.”

They both get up and extend hands for another formal handshake. But Fili pulls Thorin into an unexpected manly hug, slapping him on the back. “Thank you too,” he whispers. And the two strangers hold each other in an embrace for just a brief moment, comforting each other in their shared concern over Kili.


	12. Tough Times

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kili is starting to open up about his past. But he is struggling to show his affection for Thorin in any other way than physical.

When Kili’s mind finally clears he is surprised to find himself lying in yet another strange bed, but this time he really has no idea where he is or how he got here. He pulls up the blanket and notes he is in his boxers and a t-shirt, which surprises him even more. He obviously isn’t with a client or he wouldn’t find himself still holding on to his modesty like this.

He glances around, taking in the pine furniture and pastel coloured walls. Then as he drags a hand through his slightly greasy hair he lets out a little squeal in surprise as he notices the man dozing in the chair on the other side of the room.

Thorin’s eyes flick open at the sound. “Kili.” And he is up in a shot, walking over to the bed. “Kili, it’s okay, you are with me, Thorin,” trying to reassure him, realising the younger man is utterly confused as to where he is. He sits himself down on the bed and strokes Kili’s cheek. “Listen, we’ve gone on a little trip together. To try and get things sorted out. Fili knows you are here. You didn’t look after yourself very well and we have brought you here to get better.”

Kili smiles and grabs his hand. “Kiss me.”

Thorin is startled out of his monologue. “What?”

“Do you still love me?”

Thorin nods, a little confused himself now. “Oh Kili, I do.”

“I’m sorry for causing you all such trouble. Thank you for looking after me. Now kiss me.”

Thorin bends himself down, a little hesitant. When he had brought Kili here he had been very clear with himself that he was going to just look after him like a friend. That he didn’t need to complicate this any more for the both of them for the time being, not until Kili was feeling better. But how can he resist this beautiful man looking up at him like this with his big puppy eyes full of blazing desire? He wants to kiss him so very much.

As soon as he is within reach Kili has his arms around his neck and is dragging him down on top of him, snogging him wildly.

“Kili,” Thorin tries to catch his breath but he is barely given the chance.

“Please Thorin, I have been stupid,” Kili whispers as he lets go of his mouth but pulls him next to him on the bed. “I should have told you before.”

“Told me what?”

Kili is facing him now, albeit still mostly under the blankets. His hand slides into Thorin’s hair, playing with the little grey strands painted within. When their eyes lock Thorin can see that the clarity has returned to Kili’s gaze. “That I love you too.” And their mouths find each other again, licking softly at each other in their deep need for love.

“Kili, I am not sure that we should be doing this yet,” Thorin tries to argue. “I want to get you help. Do you remember what happened before? Why you ran out on me?” Kili tries to remember, but the memories are confused and jumbled. “Because we didn’t know where we would go from here. Because of your work …”

Kili shoots up straight in a panic, throwing Thorin back into the pillows. “Shit, what time is it?”

But Thorin pulls him gently back down. “It’s okay. Fili has already phoned your work. He’s told them that you are sick and won’t be coming in this week. They don’t know that you are with me so you don’t need to worry about that. No-one apart from Ori knows. He has been a good friend to you, hasn’t he.”

Kili nods, relaxing a little. And he turns around again to claim some more kisses from Thorin. And Thorin knows he is weak as he allows it to happen. As he lets that soft tongue press deep inside his mouth whilst he starts to feel the straining against his jogging bottoms.

“Fuck Thorin,” Kili is breathing as he yanks the blankets of him and straddles his lover in a smooth move. “I am never going to stop saying it. I love you … I love you ... I love you.” Each declaration is accompanied by a wet kiss and Thorin finds himself giggling like a girl under him.

“Kili, you are not helping.”

“I don’t care. I will do whatever you want me to do. I will be a good boy. But I need you so much.” And already he is biting marks onto Thorin’s neck as his hand slides down to touch him.

“Kili,” Thorin groans, feeling his reserve grow even weaker as his body grows even harder under the touch. “Please, don’t do this.”

“Do do this,” Kili grins as he takes Thorin’s member in his hand and starts to stroke at him, grinding his own erection down against Thorin’s thigh. “This feels good, yes? See how much I love you?”

That last sentence shocks Thorin and he finally pulls himself together. As he gently pulls Kili’s hand out of his trousers, he whispers to him. “It does feel nice, Kili, very nice. But my sweetheart, you don’t need to do this to proof to me that you love me. I don’t want our relationship to just be based on sex. There is so much more to you.”

And Kili stills on top of him. “You are serious. You don’t want this?”

“I do. Oh Kili, you have no idea how much I do. But we need to talk first. I don’t want this to be like the last time. I don’t want you to feel hurt and used afterwards. Please Kili, I love you so much. I want to make love to you until the end of all days is upon us. But I don’t want it to be just about that. There are things that need to be said first.”

Kili’s face clouds over instantly and he pretty much falls off the bed, stumbling towards the door in a huff.

Thorin sighs deeply. These are going to be some very difficult days.

He gets up and follows Kili into the kitchenette where he finds the brunet angrily digging through the suitcase that Fili had packed for him.

“Shall I make you a coffee?” Thorin asks carefully, knowing full well what he is looking for.

“Where’s my stuff?” Kili snarls at him.

Thorin walks over to him and grabs Kili gently by the arm. “Kili, I need you to just listen to me for a moment, please. Come sit with me.”

His younger lover frowns but lets Thorin drag him to the little sofa in the adjacent room. The place is like a little country cottage, Kili realises. Some sort of holiday home perhaps.

“Kili, I am going to say this plainly,” Thorin grabs both his hands and looks at him very serious. “You cannot smoke any more cannabis.” Kili glares at him, not giving any reaction. “Kili, do you hear me? You can have a cigarette, but no more pot. This is going to be hard, I know that, and I am here to help you best I can. But you have to start with that, okay. Before anything else you have to get clean. You are safe here with me. Do you trust me?”

He had consulted an acquaintance who had some experience with addictions before they had set off to this secluded cottage that he had managed to rent of a friend for a few weeks. He didn’t have any experience with such things and hadn’t thought that just stopping from one day to another would have been possible, but he had been advised that Kili should do exactly that. That the temptation would be too great to make a gradual cut-down suitable and that unlike with some hard drugs it was perfectly possible to just quit smoking pot. At least it made things simple, he didn’t need to go and find any supplies for Kili. But he was dreading what the sudden withdrawal would do to his lover. He had been warned by his acquaintance about the various possible withdrawal symptoms and had done more research himself online, just to be armed with as much information as possible. There were various things around sleep disturbances and variable energy levels. But he was more worried about the emotional instability. Kili was already an unstable individual and the acute withdrawal from marijuana was likely to send him spiralling out of control. And Thorin had no experience to deal with such matters.

Kili still doesn’t say anything. He just stares at Thorin.

“Look Kili, there is nothing in the house and we are miles from anywhere here. You will not have any weed.”

“How dare you?” Kili whispers with pure venom in his voice.

“I dare because I care for you.”

The slap across his face is so unexpected that Thorin freezes for just a moment. But he isn’t going to let this happen. He will put up with any verbal abuse that Kili is going to throw at him, knowing that it will all be part of the process to try and get him better. But he will never ever let anyone lay their hands on him ever again.

He grabs Kili by the wrist with such force that Kili whimpers in pain. “Don’t you ever do that again!” Thorin growls at him. “Don’t you ever hit me!”

All the anger drops from Kili’s face in pure terror under Thorin’s angry stare and he starts to shake uncontrollably. “S…sorry.”

And in the blink of an eye the angry young man is a sobbing and trembling mess. “Oh my baby,” Thorin whispers as he pulls him against him and strokes through his hair. “Hush, I know you didn’t mean it. But you must ever lay your hands on me or anyone else. I will never do that to you and I will never accept it from you. Promise me.”

Kili nods through his sobs. “I’m sorry, Thorin. I promise. Please don’t hate me.”

“I know you are and I don’t hate you,” he kisses his love’s hair as he rocks him gently. “I am here for you.”

***

Once Kili is washed and dressed he is looking a bit better.

“You met Fili?” he asks Thorin as they sit together on the porch outside, Kili smoking a cigarette, overlooking the edge of the woods surrounding them.

“Yes. He came to see you yesterday when you had smoked and drunk yourself into oblivion. He was worried about you.” Kili snorts and Thorin looks at him directly. “He was, Kili. He cares so much for you. You have no idea how much. He just wants to see you happy. Do you have any idea how lucky you are to have a brother like that?”

“He thinks I’m a dirty whore.”

Thorin regrets the laughter that escapes his lips, but perhaps in view of these heavy subjects it is the best way for it. “You’re not dirty, but you are a whore.”

Kili is so surprised by Thorin’s statement that he too bursts out laughing. “And you’re an idiot for falling in love with one.”

“True.”

“I know he is a good brother,” Kili sighs. “And I probably have been unfair to him. It’s just tough you know. To see him with all his good and happy life coming in judging me.”

“I don’t think he is judging you. He is worried about you. Of course he doesn’t like the fact that you sell your body, he is your big brother. But he has accepted it. He doesn’t think, however, that it is what you want to do.” There, he’s said it. And he waits carefully for a reaction from Kili.

But Kili has drawn his barriers up again and is chewing the inside of his cheek as he stares defiantly ahead.

“Kili, tell me honestly. There is no-one here but us. If you are afraid then please know that you are safe here. What you do, sleeping with men for money, are you forced to do that?”

He can see just one brick in Kili’s defenses crumble, but the rest stays up strong. “No,” he answers.

“Okay. Were you ever forced to do it?”

There it goes. The whole wall comes crashing down in a big heap as Kili hiccups once, before he is on his feet throwing up violently over the balustrade. Thorin stands up too, shaking, and gently pulls Kili’s hair back from his face as the younger continues to cramp through the contractions of his stomach. “Oh my love,” Thorin strokes his head and back. “I am so so sorry.” When Kili collapses in big sobs onto the wooden veranda Thorin goes inside and returns with a wet cloth and a glass of water for Kili. He carefully wipes Kili’s face clean and takes the cigarette from his hand to which Kili is clinging on like life rope. “You must drink. You are already dehydrated.” And Thorin pushes the glass against Kili’s pale lips, forcing him to take sips.

“Come,” he says when Kili has stopped trembling. “Let’s go for a walk. And you tell me what you can, okay. I know you don’t want to but you cannot keep all of this heartache inside.”

***

Thorin feels sick to the core. Kili was right, he had no idea what goes on in the dark world of prostitution. Kili had told him how he had been raped and beaten by his first pimp. How he had been forced into gay prostitution under duress, sometimes having up to ten clients a day. He had not spoken in detail about what had been expected of him, but it was quite clear from some of the things he had hinted at that he had suffered many levels of degradation and hurt in those early years, when he had had no say in what he could and would not accept to do with a client. And how he had survived those years only through shutting down and taking more and more pot to shut out the reality of his despair. Which of course had just sent him into that vicious circle that so many sex workers end up in, of needing to work more to pay for his habit, which he needed to keep up to continue to do what he does.

Kili had explained to Thorin that no-one was physically forcing him to work in the club he worked in now. But that nonetheless he felt forced into doing it still by society. After all which employer in their right mind would look at his CV and hire him for anything other than sex work? At the age of thirty – he had confessed his little lie, which had made Thorin laugh out loud for the sake of one year – you cannot just start an office career if all you have done your entire life is service the cocks of rich business men. He said the only way out he saw was to work as a proper escort, which was kind of the elite in his trade and would give him a little more freedom. He could even choose to be self-employed. But Thorin didn’t think it was much of a ‘way out’, although he hadn’t said so.

Kili is having a shower as Thorin is trying to make sense of it all. Never in his wildest imagination would he have thought a week ago that he would be here hearing of all the horrors that go on at the fringes of society. The fact that Kili had called himself ‘lucky’ was more horrific than anything else. How many boys and girls were out there suffering even more than Kili was doing? How many felt that they had no way out of their misery and that all they were any good at was to be raped over and over again.

When Kili returns, a towel casually wrapped around his hips and not wearing anything else, he has a cheeky smile ready for Thorin. But the older man cannot feel any less horny right now.

“Kili, there is just one thing I need to know,” he sighs. “When we slept together on Saturday… Please be honest with me. Did you actually want to do that?” He is not sure if he wants to hear the answer, but he has to know.

Kili grabs his hand. “Thorin, you must believe me when I say this. When we slept together, that was the very first time that I had had sex because I chose to. And I know that isn’t a particular romantic notion. But in a way it felt like you took my virginity then. Because you were the first person to actually make love to me. And I loved every minute of it.” And he places a soft kiss against Thorin’s trembling lips. “Don’t ever think of what we do together in the same context,” he whispers. “They are two different things okay. I mean it. I really do love you.”

Thorin nods as he leans into Kili’s next soft kiss.

“And I am sorry for being so forward this morning,” Kili sighs as he lets Thorin pull him into a warm and strong embrace, feeling his large warm hands on his chilly skin. “You will have to teach me how to love you properly. Because I want to do that so much.”

“I can do that, my gem.” Thorin sighs, hoping with all his being that he actually can. That he can somehow help this badly damaged man claw his way back towards the light and teach him what true love really means.


	13. Technically No Sex (e)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin is only human... and Kili has him wrapped around his little finger alright!

As they get ready for bed Thorin is torn about what is best to do and he considers sleeping on the sofa. But Kili helps him out of his predicament. “Just come to bed with me, please. No sex, okay. I just want to cuddle with you. If that’s okay.”

Thorin smiles warmly at him. “Of course that’s okay.”

Nonetheless he has to forgive himself for looking longingly at Kili as the brunet strips down naked for him, his eyes teasing over Kili’s lovely body. He loves the dark hairs highlighting the shape of his pecs, contrasting against the pink of his nipples. How it traces down in a line down over his firm stomach to then feather out again past his belly button towards his privates, growing thick and curly just above his manhood. He loves how his dark brown locks fall in coarse waves onto his shoulders. How his fringe frames around his cheekbones and falls in peaks across his forehead onto his dark eyebrows.

More than anything he loves those eyes that now shine back at him. Dark as mahogany yet sparkling with light. They have got to be the most beautiful eyes that have ever crossed his. They have something exotic about them, with the slight elongation and long dark lashes. And then there is that amazing smile. Despite all the heartache that he has laid bare to Thorin today, he still has the most beautiful smile. And Thorin knows it is genuine. The bright pink lips curving underneath the stubbly moustache. The dimples in his cheeks as the edges curve upwards.

Kili laughs out loud at him now. “You’re drooling.”

Thorin flushes as he struggles to pull away his gaze. Kili is stark naked for him now, looking completely comfortable in his bare skin.

Kili just raises his eyebrows at him in an obvious tease. It’s not like it isn’t apparent what effect his nakedness is having on Thorin as the outline of his cock is quite clear in his trousers.

“Well, you have had your show,” Kili grins as he crawls underneath the sheets. “My turn now. I think it will be quite a treat to have you strip for me.”

The deep blush creeping up Thorin’s neck is worth pure gold. “I … I am not very good at this,” he stutters.

“What, you have never taken your clothes off?”

“You know what I mean,” Thorin groans in embarrassment.

“Just get on with it,” Kili laughs. “I am not expecting you to dance for me. Just take your clothes off real slow.”

Thorin feels utterly exposed despite still having all his clothes on. But having Kili look at him with such desire is also very arousing, to the point he is actually worried he is starting to dribble into his trousers and it makes him hurry up.

He starts with his black jumper, trying to make it as sexy as possible as he crosses his arms to take hold of the hem, dragging the garment slowly up to reveal his stomach and then his chest. He feels very self-conscious at first and thinks he must look quite ridiculous in this awkward attempt to look sexy. But Kili’s soft moans are encouraging him to relax and just enjoy this little bit of play time between them.

Once he has removed his top and dropped it on the chair behind him, he moves his hands towards the button above his fly, but Kili stops him. “Not yet,” he breathes heavily. Thorin looks at him and smiles at the glow on Kili’s face. He doesn’t need to guess where his hand is as the sheets are bobbing gently. This isn’t quite going to plan, he thinks. Somehow Kili is still managing to have his way. “Just wait there. Spin around and show me that lovely body of yours.”

Kili’s eyes run over the soft pink skin. So smooth in such stark contrast to Kili’s own body streaked with dark hair. He can just imagine in his mind’s eye rubbing lots of oil over that skin to make that chest glisten in the light. Thorin looks damn fine for his age, his body in such good shape, his skin looking young and soft.

“Okay,” Kili whispers with a cheeky smile as Thorin has finished his little twirl and is looking at him again. “You may continue.”

Thorin undoes the button of his trousers and slowly pulls the zip down, giving Kili a glimpse of his small clothes. He’s wearing briefs today, which outline his semi-hard cock unforgivingly and Kili groans softly at the sight.

Slowly, Thorin starts to lower his trousers.

“Turn around,” Kili whimpers, wanting to see Thorin’s butt pointing back at him as he bends down to take off his trousers. And Thorin does exactly that, raising his behind into the air as he slowly pulls one trousers leg off and then the other. “Stay right there,” Kili groans. “Just take off your socks.”

The lifting of one leg and then the other makes Thorin’s behind wiggle just perfectly for him, seeing the muscles tighten underneath the fabric. Kili’s breath becomes shallow as the arousal pulses through his body.

 “Now lower your briefs,” he pants. “Real slow.”

Thorin can feel the blood flowing towards his head as he remains bent down as per Kili’s order whilst his lover increases the rhythm of his hand as he salivates over the round curves of Thorin’s still wrapped up ass.

 “Like this?” Thorin groans about the downwards pose he’s holding, as he is beginning to feel a little dizzy.

“Yes, just like that.”

Kili licks his lips and feels like he is unwrapping the best Christmas present ever even though it is not his hands on the wrapping paper. Very slowly more and more of those soft pink globes is revealed from under the fabric of Thorin’s underwear. Such lovely moons that melt away into the darkness of Thorin’s slowly revealed pleat. And Kili’s hand quickly becomes sticky with the pre-cum that compliments his fantasies of pushing those buttocks apart and teasing his finger over the folds of Thorin’s entrance. Maybe more than a finger… maybe a little tongue to slick him up. He is vaguely aware of the deep groan that involuntarily escapes his lips as well as the obvious sound of his hand riding up against the sheets. The fabric is starting to friction against his member now and the pulls the blankets away.

Thorin peaks at him through his legs as he is now pulling his briefs down the last bit of his butt ready to reveal a whole lot more of himself to Kili.

“Oh god yes,” Kili is whining for him now. “Show me what you have there for me, gorgeous.”

He isn’t left wanting as Thorin’s sack promptly comes into view. The tightness of the skin around his stones tells Kili enough about how hard his lover is before everything is revealed. He would have found Thorin’s heavy member dangling there if he wasn’t so erect already, but now his cock stands up hard against his belly, hidden from Kili’s view in this position. And it makes it all the more hot.

Thorin steps out of his briefs and raises himself up, still facing away from Kili. He can hear the sloppy sounds of Kili’s hand working well at his cock, masturbating hard whilst he is looking at him. It is making him touch himself tentatively in response, whilst silently cursing himself for being so easily dragged into this.

“Wank for me,” Kili groans deeply. “Show me how you pleasure yourself.”

How exactly this is acceptable under the category of not having sex is beyond Thorin. He should protest but he is too far gone already to complain. He supposes that at least they are not touching each other, which is the only justification he can find for his weakness. But he is only human. He too has waited a life time for sharing this intimacy with someone he loves. And he thinks he needs to stop being so hard on himself, on the two of them. There is no harm in wanting each other. They are at the very early days of their relationship so it is natural that they are yearning like this for each other. In fact it would be quite disconcerting for their relationship if they weren’t.

He slowly turns around, still a little shy about Kili’s indecent request but so very hard now that he cannot not touch himself.

The fully exposed view in front of him, of Kili spread wide rubbing his fist hard over his glistening head, is almost enough to make Thorin climax and he grabs hard at himself as he holds still for just a moment waiting for the need to subside.

“Don’t wait,” Kili whimpers. “Show me…” Thorin proceeds with the self-service, massaging in an upward motion along the length of his prick, bringing himself so very close to his peak as his eyes grow dark with pleasure. He’s never done anything like this before, ever. Kili makes him so very hard, so very excited, that he completely loses himself in it.

“Oh Thorin, gonna … come… now…” Kili whimpers as the sight of his lover pleasuring himself before him is pulling him easily over the edge. A deep pink flushes across his chest and into his cheeks to illustrate his words. And not only there, Thorin notices, as his cock is pulsing almost purple before the white streaks shoot from its tip.

Kili groans at the top of his voice, his eyes tight shut as he jerks one shot after another from his prick, painting his belly and chest in the pearly cum.

Thorin’s lips feel dry as he watches his lover pull himself through his climax. He is right there too, but he wants to watch Kili right through his orgasm, until those beautiful eyes open up for him again. It is taking all his control to keep himself right on the edge but not yet spilling over. His balls are aching like crazy under the tease and he knows he cannot hold out much longer.

But Kili is sinking down now, the clenching in his legs is relaxing and his hand is slowing.

Thorin is suddenly very aware that this is not his home as he shuffles towards the bed, just in time to stop his seed from spilling onto the carpet. Instead the force of his withheld orgasm makes him shoot great gulfs far onto Kili’s body. He’d not intended to spray himself all over his lover like this, but this is where he’s ended up and he has lost all control to do anything about it now.

“Fuck, Thorin,” Kili writhes in delight under the hot shower. “Oh yes, you dirty thing, give me all you’ve got.”

Thorin’s cheeks are burning fiercely as he jerks himself through his shuddering climax, bubbles foaming over his palm through the fast motion. He has to steady himself onto the bed with his other hand as his legs are buckling under him whilst he cries deep hitched groans.

Kili is lavishing the rich treat that Thorin has unexpectedly given him, mixing the trails of their bodily fluids together on his belly.

“You’ve made a mess of me,” he grins when Thorin finally shivers and lets go of his cock as he sinks heavily onto the edge of the bed.

“S…sorry,” Thorin pants.

“That was real hot,” Kili sighs, lying there like some modern piece of art, a perfect picture smeared by some angry artist with uncontrolled streaks of bright white paint.

He slowly gets up, bending himself down on his way out to give Thorin a quick kiss before he walks to the on-suite bathroom to clean himself up. He needs another shower really, but he is too tired now and he does really want to cuddle in bed with Thorin, even though they got somewhat side-tracked. So he makes do with wiping himself down with some toilet paper.

Thorin has followed him in now. “That was not the plan,” he pants as he washes his hands in the sink.

“Plans change,” Kili winks at him as he gives him a kiss on the cheek. “Technically we didn’t have sex though.” And he leaves Thorin as the wanders back into the bedroom.

“Hmpf,” Thorin groans, but he is smiling underneath. Kili has such a hold on him. No-one has ever played him around like this before, twisting him around his little finger like that. He would never let anyone do so. He is used to being in charge of people, being in charge of situations. But with Kili life feels like a constant rollercoaster, taking him to the greatest heights and scariest depths within seconds. And he feels totally out of control, just going along with the ride and hoping it is built well enough to get them safely to the end of the ride.

“Thorin, I’m cold,” Kili groans from the bedroom. “Where are my promised cuddles?”

Thorin smiles at the unrelenting demands from his lover. He dries his hands and walks back, sliding himself underneath the sheets next to Kili. “Come here then,” he smiles and Kili snuggles up to him eagerly. “No more naughtiness, right?”

“No, Thorin,” Kili smiles against his chest. “Just sleepiness.” And he wraps himself tightly around Thorin’s body as they quickly drift off to a deep sleep.


	14. Reflection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kili is starting to think about his life and is it would be possible for him to turn it around at this late stage. What he would gain and what he would leave behind.

Kili has learnt by now that Thorin is an early riser. Quite the opposite to Kili who is used to working nights and doesn’t usually roll out of bed until near midday.

As he strolls into the living room, wearing just some comfy trousers and not much else, he finds Thorin sat at the kitchen table talking animatedly on his phone, whilst tapping quickly over the keyboard of his laptop. “The market is just too volatile at the moment. Yes, I realise we’ll slice into our profit, but I am not risking three million pounds on a sudden dip. Go for the option.”

Thorin smiles up at him as soon as he spots him, but quickly returns his attention to his work as he continues to argue with the person on the other end of the line. Kili has not the faintest what Thorin is babbling on about and he doesn’t particularly care either. They manage to sneak in a quick quiet kiss before Thorin has to reply with another whole load of words that Kili doesn’t know much about other than it’s something to do with money.

He drags open the kitchen drawer and takes out his pouch of roll tobacco and a lighter and walks out onto the veranda. It’s still a little chilly outside, but the cool air does him good. He’s feeling a little hot and sweaty and he is starting to get a headache again. He sits down and takes a pinch of shag from the pouch and stuffs it above the filter into the rolling paper. The motion itself makes him yearn momentarily for a spliff. But he angrily pushes the thought from his mind. He had promised Thorin to stay clean. And even though in reality he has no choice but to do so, stuck here in the middle of nowhere with no means to get supplies, he is not going to go back on his word so easily even if he could. But he finds his hands shaking a little as he rolls his ciggy.

Once lit and inhaled the tobacco is soothing his anxiety a little. He watches out over the meadow that leads up to the trees and relaxes into the peaceful green picture.

He can still hear Thorin’s deep voice rumble away inside, yacking on about options and derivatives and whatnot. Even though the conversation holds no meaning for him, Kili likes listening to the sound of Thorin’s voice. He could be quoting the contents of his shopping list and it would still send shivers through Kili’s loins.

He thinks back to their little naughty play last night now. He knows he had been a bad boy to ask Thorin to masturbate for him, but jeezes the man had delivered! He chuckles now as he grows hard at the memory. And he has been relieved to find that he can genuinely enjoy their sexual activity together, every bit of it. That he really can separate it from his professional work.

The club… Strange how that place has been like his family home for nearly six years now. The longest he has ever worked anywhere. It hasn’t all been bad. Of course being fucked a little too hard by a slightly overweight drunk bloke with a penis barely worth all five letters isn’t his idea of a fun day at the office. But surely everyone has crap days at work where they just want to throw their toys out of the pram and tell their boss to stuff their contract up their hole. But he had had fun days too. Funny clients who would ask ridiculous things of him, like dressing up in a maid’s outfit and dust a feather duster over their behinds while they jerk themselves off. Oh how the boys would laugh amongst themselves afterwards about such clients. They were the good ones, leaving big tips for hardly any effort.

And he really had some good friends back there. Ori was a great mate and they really got on well together. And of course there was Legolas. Beautiful blond Legolas. Even Kili had thought he was a hotty when he first met him. He was the trans-kink of the club and could really pass for a beautiful woman with his piercing blue eyes and silver blond hair down to his waist. But he swung quite a weapon between his thighs, Kili knew. He was a really nice fella, funny too. Kili and he used to go out on ‘dates’ together, pretending they were boyfriend and girlfriend. And they would have the best laughs when Legolas would ‘cheat’ on him with some jock only for Kili to whisper in the bloke’s ear, “you can have him, but you must know he has a bigger cock between his legs than you do”. It would probably see the two of them beat up one day, but so far each shocked face had been worth it time and time again.

And of course there is Balin. Sweet Balin who has been like a father to Kili these last six years. He realises he hasn’t spoken to him since his little lie on the weekend and he feels guilty. The older man has always been so good to him, trying to send nice clients his way who he thinks will offer good tips and return custom. He has always looked out for Kili, teaching him how to roll a condom for a client who demands bare-back without him noticing it or how to deal with a client who can’t get it up. He really cares a great deal for his mentor and friend.

Thinking about leaving that world behind is weird, disconcerting in a way. Thorin and he had talked around the fringes of it the day before, but Kili knew where Thorin was heading with it. And of course he understood his position. If Thorin was serious about the two of them – as he seemed to be – then it was understandable that he didn’t want Kili to go back to whoring himself. And Kili didn’t really want to go back to that life either. Now that he had been given a glimpse of what life could be like… But what would he do instead? He wasn’t going to just sit around and hold his hand up as Thorin pampered him. That would be little better than Thorin just buying him outright as his sex slave. He just couldn’t do that. For both their sakes it would not be a healthy situation. Kili had spent too long looking after himself and he needed to retain that sense of independence.

He jumps as the door opens and Thorin steps onto the veranda.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. Do you want some breakfast?”

“Nah.”

Thorin considers his lover, trying to sense the mood of this morning.

“Well, I am going to make myself a coffee and then I thought I should drive into town as we have nothing left in the fridge. Do you want to come with me?” He doesn’t want to assume that Kili will just follow him around like puppy.

Kili looks up at him. He looks okay, just a little tired perhaps. “Sure. I’ll get dressed once I’ve finished this,” and he raises the almost finished cigarette at Thorin.

“No hurry,” Thorin replies and goes back inside to get his second caffeine shot for the day. He may not suffer the same depth of addiction that Kili has but he knows he doesn’t function very well without his beloved coffee, so in that much he can relate a little to Kili’s needs.

***

It is nice to be out of the house for a bit. The nearby town is more of a village really, but it has a shop and a pub. They get some basic supplies from the little village shop, drawing some looks along the lines of ‘you’re not from ‘round here’ before Thorin suggests grabbing some lunch in the pub.

The minute they walk in Kili thinks it is a bad idea, but Thorin doesn’t seem to care. And Kili admires his confidence. I cannot have been easy for him to come out at such a late age but he has done it with total flair. He doesn’t shout about it – after all it is no-one’s business who he sleeps with – but he also doesn’t hide it. He just acts naturally and presumably as he would if he had brought a female lover here. And the attitude seems to work. Perhaps the chef is spitting in their food, Kili thinks, but at least they are getting served despite the stolen glances from the two regulars at the bar as Thorin reaches across the table to give Kili’s hand a gentle squeeze.

“How are you feeling?” he asks.

Kili has woken up now and has found his tongue again. “Okay I think. A little groggy. I mean, I did want one this morning… But I feel okay now.”

“That’s good,” Thorin smiles and he thanks the waiter as the two plates with roast ham sandwiches are put in front of them.

They tuck in and are temporarily quiet as their mouths are otherwise occupied.

“I was thinking,” Thorin says once he’s washed a mouthful down with a sip of his half pint. “You need to keep yourself occupied. I am glad you are feeling okay. But just sitting around for the coming days is not going to be healthy. I need to catch up on work, as you heard this morning. I can do that from where we are; it makes no odds to me. I just need to pop into the office on Thursday, but otherwise I can stay with you. But you need something to keep your mind busy as well.”

“What did you have in mind?” Kili asks.

“Two things really,” Thorin replies. “I was thinking that perhaps you could help me in the mornings. Do some work for me.”

Kili snorts.

“What?”

“What am I going to do? I don’t even know what you were talking about this morning!”

Thorin just shrugs his shoulders easily. “I can teach you. We can start with you sorting some files for me and then I can show you other things thereafter. Kili,” he leans forward again to grab Kili’s hand once more, ignoring the raised eyebrow from the barman, “you are a clever guy. You need to stop doubting your abilities. If you haven’t tried something, how can you know whether you are no good at it? You said to me yesterday you felt trapped where you are. Because no-one would offer you a job with your CV as it is. I don’t care about your CV. I can see that you have potential. This is the opportunity you have been waiting for. Don’t be afraid to take it.”

He lets go of Kili’s hand to take another bite of his sandwich as he lets Kili absorb his words.

“And the other thing?”

“What do you enjoy doing? You must have a hobby? Something that helps you relax.” He silently prays there is something other than weed and wanking.

“I like reading,” Kili replies to Thorin’s relief.

“That’s great! I love reading myself. So here is the deal. We go to a bookstore once we’ve finished here. We pick a book we both like. Then we will read it chapter by chapter and we debate it in the evening. Like our own little book club. How does that sound?”

He is pleased with the big smile that Kili gives him. “I’d like that.”

“Good.” Kili doesn’t know that it will also be a great opportunity for Thorin to get to know Kili better. To learn about his views of the world and how eloquent he is in expressing them. He knows there is potential in the man. After all someone who has survived so many years of living the life he does and is still as together as Kili is must be of strong character. He doesn’t know if he will necessarily be suited to work for Thorin or even if he wants him to. Neither of them might want to work together. There are a whole lot of extra complications around such things and it doesn’t work for a lot of couples. But he has plenty of business contacts who owe him a favour. If Kili really wants to turn his life around he knows he can help him.

***

They have a nice evening together. They have laughed trying to cook something decent together, which actually did turn out quite edible and are now sat together on the sofa watching some television.

“Thorin,” Kili starts, as he lies with his head in Thorin’s lap, looking up at him as Thorin strokes softly through his hair.

“Yes my sweet?”

“I am sorry.”

Thorin is confused and a little worried, his heart skipping a beat in his throat. “What for?”

“Everything. I wish … I wish things weren’t this complicated. That I could just be perfect for you.”

Thorin feels himself well up. “Kili, he says seriously, “sit up for a minute.” He takes the younger’s hands in his as he looks deep into those lovely brown eyes. “No-one is perfect. I am not perfect either. But you are perfect for me. You are my soulmate. The love of my life. Thank you so much for coming into my life.”

And their open kiss is warm and wet as they pull into a deep embrace.  

“I love you, Thorin,” Kili whispers into his mouth. “I am so in love with you.”

“And I with you, sweet boy,” and he drags Kili slowly back down onto the sofa. After yesterday he’s given up completely on his resolution now. It is okay, this is part of being madly in love. He just needs for Kili to understand that this is only part of their relationship, but not all of it.

But right now at this very moment it is all consuming.


	15. Trust Me (e)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 3,387 words of sex between my two lovelies. Enjoy! ;)

Feeling Kili’s hot breath against his neck is sending deep shivers down Thorin’s spine. They are starting to feel real comfortable with each other now, starting to get to know each other’s bodies, those sensitive areas that send little electric shocks to all the right places. Kili knows just how to work the skin just underneath his ear, interchanging kisses with long hot licks of his tongue until Thorin is groaning softly for him.

Already they can feel the arousal on both sides through the fabric of their clothes as Kili gently grinds himself down against Thorin’s crotch.

Their lips seek each other as they have done so many times these last few days. Their mouths completely in tune with one another as they eat at each other hungrily. Kili’s taste is so comfortingly familiar against Thorin’s tongue now, as he licks around the soft pink muscle teasing him in return.

“Thorin,” Kili whispers into his mouth. “Thorin, I’m so hard already.”

A deep moan escapes Thorin’s lips in response. “Make love to me,” he pants without thinking, flushing as the words leave his lips.

Kili pushes himself up a little as he looks into Thorin’s eyes, which are darting around shyly. “Are you sure?”

Actually Thorin isn’t that sure at all. He’s never been taken by a man before and his heartbeat is pounding in his ears as he thinks about it. It is desire and nerves and lust and anxiety all combined into one. He swallows. “I think so.”

Kili kisses him with open mouth. “I… I have never done that before either,” he blushes slightly. “I mean, I have never … come… there... Oh god, I am embarrassed now.”

Thorin chuckles at him as he pulls him closer. “Now there is a novelty!”

“Do you really want to?”

“Yes,” Thorin says resolutely now. “I will be honest, I am nervous. It will hurt won’t it?”

“Yes,” Kili replies equally honestly. “If you’ve never … Well, if you are still a virgin there. Yes it will hurt. But it will be a good pain. And I will prepare you of course. Make it as comfortable as I can.” He groans softly. “Oh Thorin, I’m aching for it now, please release me.”

They tear at each other’s clothes in their boiling lust. Cocks swinging free at the removal of clothes as their hands fumble for each other, both groaning simultaneously as they grab at each other’s hardness.

“Kili,” Thorin sighs. “Kili, I really want you.” And he rests himself back down to extend the invitation.

Kili is kissing him all over now, his lips, his neck, his chest. When he reaches Thorin’s nipples he plays with the one between his fingers as he licks his tongue around the other, drawing little whimpers from Thorin in the process, “So good, my love.”

By the time Kili gets to his belly button Thorin is a wriggling mess already. He is pulsing and trembling in desire, wishing Kili to hurry up. “Please, Kee,” he groans.

Kili chuckles. “Kee?” He looks up at Thorin from where he is nibbling his stomach. “That’s what my brother calls me.”

Thorin flushes, “Oh god, I’m sorry. That’s so wrong!” But they both laugh and it helps the both of them relax.

“Need to get some lube and stuff,” Kili groans, not wishing to leave Thorin but knowing they have to. “Maybe, you can pour us some of the wine we bought?”

Thorin smiles and nods at him. He is absolutely aching for Kili now, but making this special evening last is beautifully romantic too. And as Kili gets up to find the necessaries, he decides to add a little to the romance by lighting some candles and turning off the light.

When Kili comes back he has the widest smile across his face and Thorin thinks how beautiful the lad looks in the soft flicker of candlelight. As is he was made to be touched by that soft glow, highlighting every beautiful curve, every hard muscle…

“Hm Thorin,” he whispers as he shuffles next to Thorin on the sofa again, licking his tongue along the bottom of his ear. “This is lovely.”

“You are lovely,” Thorin whispers back as he kisses Kili’s lips once more, dragging his fingers through the long brown hair. “So beautiful and sexy.” He lets go of his lover to hand him the glass of red wine. Here they are as they were only a few days ago in Thorin’s apartment, when Thorin had first made love to Kili. Now they are about to reverse the roles. And they are both breathing heavily in anticipation.

“To a very special night,” Kili raises his glass.

“To us,” Thorin smiles as their glasses ring together.

“Us…” Kili tastes the word on his lips as the wine tickles his tongue. “Does that mean…? Do you think of me as … your boyfriend?”

Thorin smiles as him. “I do. And I hope you think of me as the same.”

The notion feels a little odd to Kili. He has a boyfriend… A damn fine one at that. “Yes,” he sighs happily as warmth spreads through his chest. “I do.”

The wine tastes even better as he licks it from Thorin’s lips. A little sour against the sweet warmth.

Thorin gently takes the glass from him again, having barely touched it, as he pulls him in deep. They slowly sink back onto the sofa again, Thorin on his back and Kili on top, tonguing him eagerly.

“I’m going to make you feel real good,” Kili whispers against his lips before he slowly moves himself down until he’s seated between Thorin’s legs. He gently strokes a finger along the length of Thorin’s cock, enjoying the immediate trembling under his touch.

“Kili, don’t tease,” Thorin whimpers softly.

But Kili is already on the case. And he’s squeezing the bottle of lube into his hand as he slicks his fingers. “Relax, sexy,” he whispers hoarsely as his traces his finger down gently over Thorin’s stones, over the slight bulge of his taint towards that lovely pucker.

“Shssh,” Thorin hisses slightly as the finger drags over his entrance, softly up and down and then in ever decreasing circles. “Nngh.”

Kili chuckles, “We’ve lost the ability to communicate already, have we love? This doesn’t bode well for what’s still to come.”

Thorin laughs and the sudden movement causes Kili’s pressing finger to slide inside just a little. “Aaaah! Okay okay,” Thorin squeals.

“Hush, my lovely,” Kili strokes his other hand across Thorin’s thigh, trying to get him to relax the vice like grip on the tip of his finger. “Just relax.” Thorin closes his eyes as he does his best to follow Kili’s guide. “That’s it, sexy,” Kili whispers. “Just enjoy it. Just let go.” And at each whispered sentence he pushes his finger in just a tiny little bit further. “There, see. You’ve got me.” He slowly wriggles his finger this way and that, listening carefully to the soft groans from Thorin. “How does that feel?”

“Weird,” Thorin moans softly.

Kili smiles, “Yes, I know. But I’m not hurting you am I?”

“No. No, its… weird… but good.”

“Good, that’s what we’re after, my lovely.” And he slowly pulls back his finger a little before pushing it slowly back in again.  Thorin is relaxing, spreading his legs a little wider for Kili. But Kili is going to take this one real slow. Thorin is so very tight, if he rushes this he will hurt him for sure and he might never want to do this ever again. But if he gets it right….

He slowly pulls his finger back with a little pop. “Don’t stop,” Thorin whines for him, raising his head in confusion.

“I’m not, sexy. Just slicking you a little more before we move on to another finger. Making you real nice and wet.”

Kili’s sexy talk makes Thorin shiver. “Okay,” he whispers as he rests himself back again. He feels strangely empty now without Kili’s finger and he is already willing him to fill him again.

Kili leans himself down to lick at Thorin’s cock. Thorin bucks his hips a little at the unexpected feeling as he groans even louder. It’s the first time Kili has tasted his lover as he licks over the sensitive pink tip, pressing softly into his slit. They probably should use protection, but Thorin is so obviously innocent in all this that Kili isn’t that concerned. He will be careful when it comes to the other way around. And Thorin tastes so good, sweet and sticky. He loves the heated smell of his lover, making his own dick twitch and feel moist.

Whilst he licks along Thorin’s shaft and along the bottom of his cockhead, his fingers slide slowly over his crease again, gently feeling for the soft wrinkles of his entrance. He can hear Thorin groan under the combined pleasure of his fingers and tongue as Kili keeps his fingers pressed hard together. Slowly, so slowly Thorin opens up for him, relaxing enough to accept the two digits.

His moans are deeper now, more urgent, as Kili slowly moves his fingers, stroking along the hot internal wall of Thorin’s body. He’s trying to angle himself just right, whilst taking Thorin’s crown into his mouth. The groans are increasing, and Thorin’s hands are in his hair now, wrapping the strands around his fingers in gentle tugs.

When he feels the little bundle of nerves and gently rubs his fingers over it, Thorin shoots up with a loud groan. “Kili!” he squeals. “You… Aaah. That was….”

“Nice yes?” Kili’s mouth has dropped Thorin cock back onto his stomach and he grins up at his lover’s wide eyes. “Did I find your little love spot there?”

“Yes... my god…”

“You’ve never touched yourself there?”

Thorin flushes a deep pink. “No. I’ve never… In there…”

“Oh sweety, you have missed out on so much pleasure. Here, let me do it again.” And on the second rub Thorin is trembling and whimpering like a dog in heat. “How does it feel? Talk to me, sexy.”

Thorin feels barely conscious as the pleasure pulses deep through his body. “I … good. Like … so deep… so full …. And … Oh, Kili...” Thorin is panting heavily now, dragging his hands through Kili’s hair painfully. “So intense…”

Thorin’s rock hard cock is almost bouncing against his stomach as Kili’s continues to drag his fingers over that special place inside Thorin’s body.

“Kili… stop… I feel … need to pee…”

“No, you don’t. It may feel like that but you really need to come.” Kili kisses his thighs as he increases the pressure even more. “Trust me. Let go. It will feel so good, I promise you.”

Thorin is quivering almost uncontrollably now. His dick is trembling as the orgasm builds up. “My … Nngh… FUCK!” Kili is impressed by the force with which Thorin releases his load. He’d done well enough the night before, but this is something else. Thorin grabs hold of himself in a vain attempt to contain the fountain of cum he’s spraying over the two of them, panting deep moans through each pulsing shot of delicious white wetness. The sounds escaping his lips are the most erotic Kili has ever heard and that is saying something! And to hear those delightful noises come from his lover… at his touch…

He slowly releases the pressure on Thorin’s prostate as his older lover shivers through the final droplets landing on his stomach. He crawls up on top of Thorin to steal a kiss from those trembling lips.

“Kili…” Thorin moans softly, all but passed out from the intense pleasure, his eyes rolled back in their sockets, his mouth hanging open, his thighs twitching from the over tensing of his muscles. “That … wow.”

Kili licks over his lips as the sticky mess is coating his body now. “Wow indeed,” he blows softly into Thorin’s mouth. “How did you have so much left after last night? You are a stallion, my love.”

Thorin can barely manage a smile as he feels hypersensitive and even Kili’s soft lips against his own are sending shudders through every nerve in his body.

“I have never… come like that before,” Thorin licks his way through Kili’s mouth.

“Good,” Kili bites at the wriggling tongue. “You were a picture I tell you.”

They just press against each other for a little while whilst Thorin is trying to catch his breath. Kili’s erection feels hot and heavy against his stomach.

“You still want to…?” Kili whispers quietly.

“Yes. Make love to me, Kili.”

With a parting kiss, Kili shuffles back down again to his previous position. “Just a little more prep, okay. I want you to take three first.” And he slicks his fingers and Thorin’s crease with more lube again, before he proceeds to tease his way in. He knows Thorin is hypersensitive now and the first time he touches the wrinkled skin Thorin almost hits the ceiling. “Sssh,” Kili hushes him. “Relax. You are all wet now, just as you should be. Feel me enter you. There we go.”

One finger slowly becomes three and Thorin feels his eyes water at the increased stretch. He is not sure what to make of it. So many sensations all it once. It’s uncomfortable but yet he wants more of it. Wants to feel Kili touch him deeper. Kili is moving his fingers in a strange feeling motion now as he opens and closes his fingers, increasing the stretch even further. And with a deep sigh Thorin can feel his muscles finally relax and open up.

“There we go,” Kili smiles as his cock is leaking desperately to enter that deep pink opening now. “You okay still?”

“Yes, think so,” Thorin whispers hoarsely.

“You think you are ready to give it a try?”

Thorin tenses again temporarily at the thought of Kili penetrating him, but he sighs again into the relaxation. “Yes. Please.”

Kili keeps his fingers busy as with his right hand he prepares himself. He makes sure to apply ample lube before he slowly removes his fingers. Thorin whines for him again at the loss, needing to be filled up so badly now.

Kili hums softly as he presses his tip against Thorin’s entrance. He presses in gently but firmly, coaching Thorin to take his tip.

“Ungh, Kili. Aaah. So big. So much bigger than your fingers.”

Kili chuckles, “I should hope so! Hush, now my lovely. There, I’m in. I will wait for you to get used to this feeling okay. You tell me when you are ready for more.”

Thorin is worried he is never going to be ready for more. The feeling is so alien, so wrong. And yet… He wants to feel him deeper. Wants Kili to push himself in further. To be fully joint with him. And he remembers how good it had felt to have his cock so deep inside Kili’s body. The heat gripping him. The muscles pulsing around his aching length. And he feels himself growing a little hard again.

“Okay,” he moans softly. “A little more.”

Kili strokes Thorin’s semi-hard cock, the sticky crusty mess coating his fingers once more, as he slowly increases the pressure between Thorin’s legs. He winces at Thorin’s pained moans as he does so, but he knows he just needs to get through this first bit. That once he is in, he can start to get used to the feeling. It’s the movement that is the worst at first.

He pushes Thorin’s legs back further against his stomach, tilting his pelvis more which will make it easier for the both of them. And it seems to work as he can feel Thorin relax a little more around him, accepting him in further, deeper. Until he finds himself fully seated inside his lover.

“There, my love. You have me. You have me all the way now.”

Thorin looks down. “Really? Oh god, Kili. So full.” It is such a weird feeling to feel something so big going up that way. It surely was never meant to do that. But then why does it feel so good?

“I know. We just stay like this okay. God, you are so hot, Thorin. So very tight around my cock. I love it how you squeeze me. Hm, can you feel me deep inside you? Can you feel how my cock is filling you up?”

“Yes,” Thorin whispers heatedly as his hand slides down, to wrap around Kili’s. Their fingers intertwine as they work together at Thorin’s cock, filling it with blood once more as they massage it in a perfectly synchronised rhythm. And as Thorin grows harder, he is slowly getting used to the odd fullness in his backside.

“Move,” he moans softly. “Just a little.”

Kili lets go of Thorin’s member to find some leverage. The gentle shift has Thorin groaning loudly. “It’s okay, my love,” Kili whispers as he rests forward onto his hands, tilting his pelvis ready to ride himself into Thorin. “You tell me if it’s too much, okay?”

He gently takes himself back a little and then lowers himself back down again. Thorin is whining softly, his eyes tight shut and his face a grimace. But he is slowly nodding at Kili, begging him silently to continue.

The heat and pressure is overwhelming on his member. He knows Thorin won’t be able to take him for long this first time round, which is just as well because Kili doesn’t think he is going to last now that he is starting to fuck himself into the ridiculously tight heat.

“Okay, my love?”

“No,” Thorin whines. “So full. I feel … Feels like I need to…”

“Yes, my love, I know. Feels like you need the toilet, right? But you don’t. It’s all my cock you can feel up there.  Fuck, Thorin, so hot.”

Thorin is whining like a wounded animal now.

“You want me to stop?” Kili asks gently.

“Yes… No! Oh fuck, Kili, just … hurry.”

“Okay,” and Kili gently increases his thrusts, pushing himself in just a little deeper as he can feel his climax build rapidly. “I am real close, Thorin. Just a little more. Try and relax. Gonna come real soon. Oh yes, Thorin, are you ready to take me?”

“Yes yes. Kili … Aaaah!”

Kili shouts out as he feels his prick pulse rapidly inside Thorin’s intensely tight heat, feels the semen shoot from its tip. “Nngh, Tho…rin. Yes, yes!”

Thorin has wrapped his thighs tightly around his waist now, is drawing him in so very deep as Kili fucks himself through his overwhelming peak, bucking his hips in the rhythm of each shot until he loses count and all control and just becomes a shuddering shivering mess, collapsing onto Thorin as the sweat trickles down his back.

He can feel Thorin grab at him one more time, gently expelling him from his body as Kili grabs hold, preventing the slippage of his safety net. He drops the item unceremoniously onto the wooden floor as he crawls up into Thorin’s arms. He feels utterly spend, trembling, quivering. He is even too dizzy to find Thorin’s mouth, but his lover has found his and is pressing deep wet kisses all over his face.

“Kili … thank you,” he moans softly.

“Thank you … too.” Slowly reality is returning and he returns Thorin’s kiss.

“Was that good for you?” Thorin whispers.

Kili nods, a wide smile spreading across his face, making his deep dark eyes sparkle with glee. “So very good. You are so hot and tight. God Thorin, that was amazing. You made me come so hard.” The cuddle is warm and pulsing with love. “How was it for you? Have I put you off for life?”

“Nah,” Thorin smiles. “I did think you were going to tear me a new one at one point. But it felt strangely good. So full. I just think I need more practice.” And they smile a cheeky smile at each other.

“Your wish is my command,” Kili kisses him hotly.

And they sink together into the relaxing aftermath of their sex before they have to get up to clean themselves up and go to bed.


	16. Trouble

Thorin is awoken from his dreams because he feels cold and shivery. It takes him a few moments to wake up enough to realise why he is awake when it clearly is in the middle of the night. Kili is still wrapped around him and he can feel the sheen of cold sweat that lies over his entire body as he is moaning incomprehensible in his sleep, his eyelids fluttering as he pulls grimaces.

“Kili?” Thorin whispers as he tries to softly shake him awake, to no avail. He gently rolls Kili off him, leaving his own body coated in the cold sweat. He pats the blanket against his chest and bends himself over his lover, wiping the wet strands of hair from his face. “Kili sweety, wake up. You are having a nightmare.” He shakes the sleeping man softly again and although he doesn’t manage to actually wake him, he does manage to sooth Kili, who gives a deep sigh before he drifts off to what seems to be a more peaceful sleep.

Thorin gets up to get a towel and he dabs Kili’s shivering body dry, before he turns over the duvet. “Sleep now, my love,” he whispers as he presses a kiss against Kili’s forehead before he turns himself over and quickly drifts off to sleep again.

***

When he wakes again in the morning and finds the bed next to him empty a panic creeps into his chest. Normally Kili is still fast asleep when Thorin gets up and he is worried something has happened to him. Until he can hear Kili singing along to the radio from elsewhere in the cottage.

_Every day is so wonderful_

_Then suddenly it's hard to breathe._

_Now and then I get insecure_

_From all the pain, I'm so ashamed._

Kili doesn’t have a natural singing voice and his voice is too low to reach all of the female pitch. Thorin thinks it is kind of funny to listen to Kili sing along to a girly pop song. But nonetheless the sound and words eat at Thorin’s heart.

He is just in the process of pushing himself upright into the pillows, ready to get up, when Kili comes strolling into the bedroom. A bright smile is painted across his face and his eyes are sparkling. He is carrying a tray in his hands. “Good morning, handsome!” he chirps as he walks over to Thorin’s side of the bed. Thorin is surprised to see toast and bacon and eggs and of course his precious cup of coffee. And he smiles at the glass of water with a single dandelion looking kind of forlorn in it.

“Happy week-a-versary!,” Kili smiles as he puts the tray on top of the duvet and bends himself down to press a kiss on Thorin’s lips. “Well, I know we haven’t been like a couple for a week. But I am not actually sure at which point we officially became a couple, so I thought that the first time we met is as good as anything.” He points to the flower and shrugs, “Sorry that was all I could find outside. There aren’t many flowers around here. I would have gotten you a rose if I could get to a shop.”

Thorin raises his eyebrow as the waterfall of prattle. Normally Kili hardly says a word before midday. “Thank you, this is very sweet. And the flower is very sweet too. Come here.” And he drags Kili next to him onto the bed, showering him in kisses.

“I just wanted to surprise you. Show you I am not totally useless.”

“You know I don’t think that, my flower.” Thorin dips his finger in the soft yolk and smears it over the tip of Kili’s nose. “So stop saying silly things like that. This is really nice though, I really appreciate it. You are not having anything?”

“Nah. You know I don’t eat breakfast.”

“You should.” But he doesn’t push it any further. Kili is old enough to make his own decisions and it’s hardly a matter to argue over. “You were very restless last night,” he mentions as he tucks into his breakfast. “I think you were having nightmares.”

“Really? I don’t remember,” Kili replies as he rests his head against Thorin’s shoulder. “Is it okay?”

“Yes, sweety, it’s lovely. I can get used to this.”

“I wouldn’t if I were you,” Kili laughs. “This is a one off. Tomorrow I am having a lie in.”

***

Once they are both dressed and Kili has had his fag, Thorin reminds him of their agreement that he would do some work for him. He is pleased to see Kili actually showing some enthusiasm as he explains the papers he needs him to sort out. And time passes quickly as Kili babbles away whilst he is going through the pile of paperwork.

“What is all this then, Thorin?”

“It’s a new line of business I have just entered into. Times are not so great for investments at the moment with the market being so volatile. So we have branched out into insolvency. Basically buying up poor performing companies and either selling off their assets or turning them around into successful business again.”

“Hm, I think I get it. That sounds quite interesting.” Then he giggles. “Is that what you are doing with me? Trying to turn me around and if not you will sell off my assets?”

Thorin almost spits out his coffee so hard he is laughing. “No, your assets are all mine to enjoy.”

“Oh, are they now? I distinctly remember it being the other way around last night.” Thorin blushes as he recalls their lovemaking. “Oh, you are so cute when you blush like that. How is everything down there this morning anyway?”

The pink in his cheeks is flaring just a little brighter. “Ehm… okay. I can still walk, thank you.” How is he having this conversation? He should be concentrating on his board papers. On the report that his Finance Director has just emailed over to him. And yet all he can think about is Kili shoving his lovely cock up his backside. He really shouldn’t be getting an erection right now. Kili working for him really isn’t going to work out if he cannot control his own body. He can just picture him turning up to his office, looking all hot and sexy… He would tell his PA that he is unavailable for the next couple of hours, as he pulls the blinds shut and bends Kili over his office desk…

“What _are_ you thinking about?” Kili laughs, recognising the signs of arousal in Thorin’s eyes.

“Nothing…”

Kili peaks under the table at the bulge between Thorin’s legs. “You liar! You were thinking naughty thoughts!”

“I cannot help it. You are just too damn hot for your own good.”

Kili teasingly takes a finger into his mouth and pulls it back out very slowly, letting it pop from his mouth as he grins at his lover.

Thorin groans softly. “Stop it! I really need to concentrate on this.”

“Tell me what you were thinking.”

“No. Be quiet.”

“Tell me and I promise I will be quiet.”

Thorin scowls at him, but realises Kili won’t let up until he’s heard what he wants to hear. “I was thinking…” Thorin coughs, his cheeks positively burning as he averts his eyes, “about having you … bent over my desk … in my office.”

Kili’s eyes are wide and burning. “Oh my, Thorin. You are a kinky one, aren’t you.”

“It’s not going to happen. Just be quiet now.” And Kili keep his mouth shut as promised, but the cheeky grin across his face and the sparkle in his eyes do nothing to focus Thorin on his papers and it takes a good long while before he fits comfortably in his trousers again.

***

When his watch beeps to announce it is one o’clock in the afternoon, Thorin pulls his laptop screen down. “I am hungry. Shall I make us a sandwich?”

“Nah, not hungry. Not feeling so good, actually.” Thorin looks up in concern and he notices the slight shake in Kili’s hands. “Do you mind if I go and lie down for a bit?”

“Of course not. Do you want anything at all? Something to drink?”

“No thanks.” Kili drags himself to his feet, wobbling ever so slightly as Thorin watches him stumble towards their bedroom.

Thorin walks over to the kitchen, but he has forgotten what he went in there for in the first place. As he pushes the little dandelion around thoughts are swirling through his head. Kili is clearly starting to feel the withdrawal symptoms now. He has done well so far. But he knows things will get tougher. He needs to go into the office tomorrow and he is concerned now about leaving Kili on his own. Perhaps he should postpone the meeting. Or get someone to come over. He thinks about phoning Kili’s brother, but decides against it. Kili will think he is getting a babysitter for him and that’s hardly going to go down well. He just needs to trust him. He will leave him his personal and all his work phone numbers and if needs to be he can be back here in under forty-five minutes. He needs to stop worrying so much. Kili has managed to survive for thirty years without Thorin hovering over him. He will be fine on his own for one day.

***

Kili doesn’t wake until tea time and even then he isn’t his usual self. Thorin forces him to drink some water and he makes the both of them a light meal, but Kili is just pushing the food around his plate.

“Did you read?” Thorin asks. “We were going to read the second chapter today, remember?”

Kili shrugs. “Tomorrow.”

“Okay, tomorrow. Remember, I am going into the office tomorrow. So you can read then.”

“Sure.”

He looks like a surly teenager more than a thirty-year-old man, Thorin thinks. And once more he is a little worried for his mental wellbeing, but he is not quite sure what to do about it.

***

That night doesn’t pass any better than the previous one and Thorin wakes with a jolt as Kili screams out at the top of his voice. “What, my love? What’s up?” He tries to wake Kili who is still crying out and thrashing about and in the end he has him sobbing in his arms, shivering all over. “Sssh, it’s okay. You’re safe. What did you dream about, my flower?”

“I … I can’t remember.”

“It’s okay, it’s okay. Shall I make you a nice hot bath? You are all sweaty again.”

“Yes… please.” Kili’s teeth are actually chattering through his shivers.

So Thorin gets up at three in the morning and runs Kili a hot bath. He stays seated by his side as his lovers sinks into the water, worried he might drift off again and drown himself. Kili is still shivering, despite the warmth of the water and Thorin strokes through his wet hair.

“I’m sorry,” Kili sobs as tears run down his cheek.

“What on earth for?”

“Being such a mess.”

Thorin doesn’t know what to say to that. He just bends over to kiss his nose. “Love you.”

Kili gives him a sleepy smile. “Thank you.”

***

When his alarm goes off at six Thorin feels like he’s been run over by a train. They didn’t go back to bed until nearly four and although Kili was out almost the moment his head hit the pillow, he himself had struggled to get back to sleep. He drags himself out of bed with a groan, leaving Kili snoring softly. At least his lover seems relaxed now, which is good.

Thorin quietly gets dressed into his office suit. It feels like he hasn’t been to work for months, even though in reality is has only been a few days. But so much has happened since. His entire world has been turned upside down. All of a sudden he finds himself in a relationship with someone he truly feels is the love of his life. And as he looks in the mirror, trimming his beard and combing through his thick hair, he barely recognises himself. It is not the tired look in his face. It is what lies underneath. Happiness. Love. Excitement. Feelings he has never seen to such an extent in his own eyes. And he knows no matter how difficult things are or are going to get he is doing the right thing.

Thorin doesn’t want to wake Kili so he scribbles him a note as he drinks his morning brew.

_Gone to the office. Will be back by six. Hope you have a good day. Don’t hesitate to call if you need me. Don’t forget to read._

_Love you so much,_

_Thorin x_

He checks in one more time on his sleeping partner, before he gets in his car and set off to join the morning commute into the city.

***

He can hear the crashing before he has even opened the door. He’d had a good day. Successful meetings and it was good to catch up with his colleagues. If he’s frank with himself it was good to just be back in the normality of life for a day again. In a world that he is familiar with. That he feels in control of. Yet the moment he sets foot in the living room he is bluntly reminded that he isn’t in control of his personal situation at all as he finds Kili throwing anything within reach at the walls.

“Kili, what the hell do you think you are doing?” He drops his suitcase with a loud thud onto the floor as he races over.

“Fucking leave me alone!!” Kili screams so loud that his voice breaks over it. He has pure fury in his eyes again. Like the morning that he had run out on Thorin, or the day when he had lashed out at him, when he had all of a sudden turned like a scared animal. And it puts fear in Thorin’s stomach.

He decides to approach Kili carefully, like he would do with a frightened puppy, keeping his movements calm and his voice low. “Please calm, my sweet. Just put that book down please.” But the comment is in vain as Kili launches it as his head, only just missing him.

So the soft approach isn’t going to work, Thorin thinks. He knows he is bigger and stronger than his lover and within moments he has Kili pinned down on his back. “Calm down,” he whispers as Kili kicking under him.

“Let go!! Fucking let go of me, you bastard!”

“No. You need to calm down.” He tries to stay calm for the two of them. But it is hard seeing his beloved trying to bite and kick at him. Seeing the contorted hatred in his face as if Thorin is his worst enemy. And he had to keep reminding himself that this is the drugs leaving his system doing this. That this isn’t really Kili.

It takes a good few minutes for Kili to realise that he is going nowhere as he continues to scream a volley of abuse at Thorin. But eventually he runs out of steam and surrenders to Thorin’s grip.

“There,” Thorin sighs, reluctant to let go of him just yet in case he flares up again. “That’s better. Are you calmer now?”

“Why did you leave me?” Kili all of a sudden sobs, the pure hatred in his eyes just as quickly replaced by utter despair.

“What are you on about? I didn’t leave you.”

“You did! I woke up and you were gone! You didn’t want me anymore, did you?”

Thorin releases his iron grip now and pulls Kili into his lap on the floor. “I went to the office, Kili. You knew I was going to. And I left you a note. Did you read the note?”

“Yes,” Kili heaves through his sobs.

“So then you know I didn’t leave you.” And when he gets no reply, “Didn’t you…?”

Kili’s eyes are glazing over now as he is starting to shake again. “They were going to come for me. He was going to get me. Oh my god, he is going to kill me!” His voice is rising again in total panic now as once more he is fighting against Thorin to get out of the strong embrace.

“Sssh, Kili, you’re safe here. No-one is going to kill you. It’s okay, I’m here.” Only when Kili stops struggling does he ask softly. “Who did you think was coming to get you?”

“Azog. He’s here. He will find me. He always said he would kill me.”

All Thorin can do is cradle his beloved, whisper soft whispers of love and reassurance to him. Kili had told him about this man who had raped him and gotten him into prostitution. It was so many years ago now, but clearly Kili was still subconsciously held in the grip of fear for the man. He had never dealt with any of what he happened, of what had been done to him. For all these years he had suppressed those feelings with drugs and alcohol, pushing them deep down. But now he did not have the means to suppress them anymore they were resurfacing. Making Kili relive every moment of pain, of humiliation and terror through his delirium.

“I will always be here for you, my flower,” Thorin rocks Kili gently in his arms. “I will never leave you. You are not alone. I will protect you.” Kili has become totally floppy in his arms now, his eyes rolled back. “Sweety, are you okay?” he asks, concerned, shaking him slightly.

“Hmm,” is the grunted answer. “Sleep.”

“Okay. Let’s get you to bed then.”

And Thorin lifts Kili into his arms and carries him to their bedroom, where Kili is just conscious enough to cooperate with taking his clothes off before he slips under the duvet and is out cold again. Thorin really is worried for him now and he takes his book and reading glasses and sits himself against the pillows on top of the duvet, just so he can keep an eye on his younger lover.

At some point though he must have drifted off as once more he is awoken by a thrashing and screaming Kili. He realises he hadn’t even gotten to take his own clothes or glasses off as he quickly falls into the role of carer again, soothing Kili until he wakes up. Then running him a bath so as to wash the cold sweat off him until he starts to drift off again into a more soothing sleep. And as Thorin slides under the duvet next to him, his mind still on edge, he wonders how much longer he is going to be able to keep this up before he has a nervous breakdown himself.

***

When he finally wakes he realises immediately it is well past his normal rising time. And he is surprised to again find the bed next to him empty. Clearly Kili is getting more sleep than he is, even if it is disturbed, and Thorin snoozes for just a little longer, before he musters enough energy to get up.

The cottage seems strangely quiet though. There is no singing this morning. No noise whatsoever other than his own feet on the creaky wooden floorboards as he walks towards the living room.

“Kili?” he calls out. Nothing. He walks into the kitchen, expecting his love to be smoking on the veranda. But before he has opened the door he already knows he is not there. A cold chill is creeping up his spine. “Kili?!” he calls out louder. But the only response is the singing of birds in the trees. “Kili, please stop messing!” he calls out once more. Perhaps he has gone for a walk though. That wouldn’t be so bad. It would do him good to get some fresh air.

But something is amiss. He cannot quite place it as first. But something isn’t in its normal place.

“Fuck!” He sprint towards the front door of the cottage as the realisation hits him. As he yanks the door open his legs almost give way under him. Why is his car not there? Why the fuck is his car not there?!

“Kili…” his heart is racing and he is feeling sick. No he cannot have. Surely not. “No. Kili what have you done…” Why had he left his car keys on the kitchen worktop last night? _Because I had no reason to think I couldn’t._ It hadn’t for one moment crossed his mind that Kili would do something so stupid.

He needs to sit down. He needs to just breathe and think for a second. And he stumbles back inside, slamming the door behind him in frustration. He lands heavily against the wooden door, rubbing his hands hard over his face. Kili cannot drive. He had driven a car only once. Once, goddamn it! And worst of all he had been the one to teach him. “Wraaaaaah!” he finds himself shouting out loud and punching the wall, which really fucking hurts!

 _Calm down_ , he tells himself. _You cannot think straight when you are like this_. He takes a few deep breathes before he walks back inside the house. All sorts of horrible thoughts are flitting through his head. Of Kili getting arrested. Of Kili in some horrible accident as he has lost control over the car.

He flicks through the contacts in his phone, ringing Kili’s personal mobile. But it rings straight through to the automatic answer machine of his provider. He tries his work number, but all he gets is the club’s answerphone message. So he rings Kili’s personal mobile once more and leaves a message, “Kili, it’s me. Please call me back when you get this. I… I am so worried about you. Where are you? Please call me, flower. I love you so much. Please call, okay.”

He knows he’s rambling. He really just wants to shout at Kili for being such a fucking idiot, but he knows that that is not going to convince him to ring back. Right now all he wants is to have Kili back safe in his arms. He will give him a piece of his mind once he knows he is safe.

What to do now? He is stuck here, with no means of transport. He should call the police. Kili is a danger to himself and others. But he cannot bring himself to do that. In the end there is only one contact that springs to mind.

“Hello?”

“Fili. It’s Thorin. I am so sorry to bother you.”

“Just a sec.” The sound goes muffled for a moment. “Sorry, just walked out of the office. What’s up? Has something happened?”

“I … Is there any chance you could come over? I’m really sorry.”

“Okay. Everything alright? Well, clearly it isn’t. I finish at five…”

“Can you come over now?”

“Now? What’s happened? Is Kili okay?”

“It’s easier if I explain face to face. Don’t worry too much. He’s … fine.” He will just have to assume he is for now. “I just really need you to come here.”

A brief pause. “Okay. I will be as quick as I can. Probably forty minutes or so.”

“Thanks.” He stares at the phone long after the connection is broken. “Oh you silly boy,” he sighs. And he prays that Fili hurries up as he tries Kili’s mobile one more time.


	17. Dwalin

It’s no use. Either Kili has turned off his phone or his battery has run flat because it rings straight through the answerphone again. Despite feeling extremely anxious now, Thorin decides not to leave another message. He’s made his point and it is no use repeating himself, especially if Kili chooses not to answer his phone. He checks his watch. How long has passed since he spoke to Fili? Probably only five minutes or so. He should get dressed, get ready to go as soon as Fili arrives. Not that he knows where to. They cannot just go and drive around aimlessly in the hope of stumbling upon Kili. He thinks about phoning the police again, but in the end he decides to wait until Fili arrives and they can discuss a plan of action. In the meantime he will just keep praying that Kili phones him back.

He pulls on his faded black jeans and long-sleeved top as in a trance, all the while going over the possibilities of where Kili could be. He had told Thorin he had never been far out of the city, so this will be an unfamiliar area to him. What had he gone off for? To find drugs? Oh god, that thought does nothing to sooth his anxiety. What if Kili has gotten behind the wheel stoned off his face? But Thorin calls himself to order. He needs to stop imagining all these disaster scenarios. For all he knows Kili has driven himself to a hospital to get help. He cannot just assume the worst. But it’s hard. Kili had been getting into such a state the day before. He had been delirious to the point of being psychotic. And everything is pointing towards all this not ending in a good way.

Thorin feels like he is beginning to fall apart. He’s exhausted from all the anxiety and the sleepless nights. Wiping a stray tear from his cheek, which is as much from lack of sleep as it is from worry, he sinks down onto the sofa as his breath is becoming shallow in the onset of a panic attack. He bends himself forwards, holding his head in his hands as he counts through his breaths. After his divorce he had taken yoga lessons to ease his anxiety. And although it had been a long while since he had been to any classes he still remembers the mantras to help him relax and he quietly chants through them until his breathing is regular again and the dizziness is subsiding.

 He realises now he had been foolish to think he could help Kili on his own. His lover is so very badly damaged. Kili needs someone with more expertise to help him deal with his traumas. There are too many broken pieces for Thorin to be able to put them all together again. As soon as he had managed to hold one piece in place, another would break off and shatter on the floor. He knows how arrogant he has been to think he could do a better job than Fili had tried to do. That just loving Kili, showing him how special he is and how much he means to him, would be enough to fix him. He’d been naïve. And he’d only made matters worse.

But no, that is not true either. They had had some really fantastic times together too. They had declared their love for each other, had made amazing love to each other. They had laughed and cuddled and at times had enjoyed an almost normal relationship. All those things that they had both missed out on for so long. It wasn’t all bad. He should not let Kili’s breakdown drag everything that is good between them down into the abyss with him. They can be happy and strong together. And if they can just get Kili help - proper help - to deal with his demons, then they really might have a chance together.

He only realises he’s actually selected the number and pressed the call button on his phone when it rings and it makes him jump out of his thoughts. Before he has chance to break the connection again the line is answered.

“Hello?” The gravelly familiar voice warms his heart instantly.

“Dwalin... It’s… it’s Thorin.”

“Thorin?! That’s a blast from the past! How are you, mate? Haven’t heard from you in years!”

“I know, I’m sorry for that.”

Dwalin had been his best friend for years. They had gone to many gigs together in their younger days and had briefly played in an amateur band together. Dwalin had even been his best man at his wedding. But when Thorin’s marriage had broken down he had pulled the door of his past shut tight and had pretty much pushed out anyone he had known from before that time. It hadn’t necessarily been a conscious thing. Partly it had been done for him as his ex had done a pretty good job of painting him in the worst possible light to their mutual friends.  But also he had just focused every ounce of his being on his work and contacts had started to water and fade away as he had stopped making the effort and going out to meet up with people.

“I thought you’d vanished.”

“I kind of had. Things just were… well, difficult. After the divorce and all… Everyone thought I was the worst person in the world. I suppose it was my fault after all.”

Dwalin is quiet for a moment. They had never spoken about Thorin’s marriage break up. His ex-wife had made it abundantly clear why the marriage had failed so it hadn’t left Dwalin guessing. And if he was honest with himself it had made him feel somewhat uncomfortable at first. He had known Thorin for so many years and had never guessed that he, well… swung that way. He’d always had the archetypical image of a gay man in his head, someone soft spoken and a little feminine, perhaps somewhat camp. And Thorin was the opposite of that image in every way, with his deep voice and strong masculine looks and manners. But eventually he had come to realise that his prejudice had been just as silly as people assuming he was some brutish Hell’s Angel because of his tattoos and piercings.

Still, accepting the unexpected revelation had been unsettling at first. Dwalin didn’t have any gay friends, didn’t know any gay people. Well, he probably be did, but not that he was aware of. It had felt a little like whenever someone told him they were going to have a baby. I mean what do you say, congratulations on it all working well down there? So being forced to all of a sudden think about what his best friend preferred between his sheets… it was awkward.

But as the years had passed he had really begun to miss his best friend. He had once tried to ring him but the number he had for Thorin had been disconnected so Dwalin had guessed he didn’t want him to contact him. And he could hardly blame him. He hadn’t been there for him when Thorin had needed him. It had taken him too long to come to the realisation that he didn’t care who Thorin chose to spend his life with. He wasn’t a different person for it and he really hoped that one day they could be friends again.

“It wasn’t your fault, mate,” Dwalin sighs much to Thorin’s surprise. “And I am sorry I wasn’t there for you when I should have been.”

“Things were difficult for everyone,” Thorin concedes. “I never told you so I am sure it came as a shock for you. I just hope you don’t think any less of me for it.”

“I don’t,” Dwalin replies honestly. “Yes, I was surprised and shocked. And it took me a while to accept it. It would have been easier perhaps if you hadn’t just vanished like that. If you would have talked to me rather than push me out.”

“I know, I’m sorry. It was difficult for me too. I felt like a complete villain.”

They are silent for a while, both reminiscing over the past.

“So what made you call me out of the blue like this?” Dwalin asks eventually. “It’s not even my birthday.”

“Ah right,” Thorin is shaken back to reality just like that. “I… I need someone to talk to. Someone I trust. My life has got somewhat complicated recently. Things are a bit of a mess. And I have really missed you, Dwalin. Before everything went to shit with my marriage you were always there for me when I needed someone to confide in.”

“I still am, buddy. So tell me what’s happened.”

Thorin takes a very deep breath. “I have met someone. He’s quite a few years younger than me. We haven’t been together for very long, but I am really crazy about him.” He pauses for a moment to try and gauge his friend’s reaction, but Dwalin patiently listens on. “It’s just, he’s come with a lot of baggage. He’s experienced a lot of trauma in his life. And he has got addicted to weed to help him deal with those traumas.”

“Shit, Thorin,” Dwalin mumbles now. “How the hell did you end up with someone like that?” He can hardly picture his proper, conservative friend ending up with the type of person he’s just described.

“Ehm, let’s say that’s another story,” Thorin dismisses the question for the time being. His friend has had enough to swallow already; he will have a breakdown if Thorin tells him the truth. “But I really care for him. I want to help him, but I don’t know how. He had been trying to get clean this week. But yesterday he had a complete breakdown. I think he is having hallucinations, Dwalin, and I have no idea how to deal with that.”

“Pfff,” Dwalin breathes through his teeth. “That’s a tough one, mate. You are not going to be able to deal with that on your own.”

“No, I know. I thought I could but I can’t.”

“No way, buddy. He’ll need professional help with that. Not just the drugs. But if you say he has traumas to work through. He will need to learn to deal with those foremost. Otherwise he’s gonna keep looking for something to numb his pain.” Dwalin knows what he is talking about. He’s worked as a psychiatric nurse for many years and although he now specialises in dealing with dementia in younger adults, he had done some of his earliest training with cases which included those suffering from severe mental health problems and addictions.

“That’s one of the reasons I phoned you,” Thorin says, feeling a little guilty that he hasn’t spoken to his friend for so many years and he’s only phoned him now to ask for a favour. “I was hoping maybe you can point me in the direction of someone you know? Who could help someone like Kili.”

Dwalin thinks for just a moment. “Yes, there is someone I have in mind. I will need to check with him to see if he has any space to take on another patient. He normally only takes referrals, but I might be able to convince him. I take it you are still in the area then? And it will cost money.”

“Yes, we’re still in the city. And you know money is not an issue, Dwalin. Could you let me know as soon as possible please? It’s quite urgent. You have my new number come up now have you?”

Dwalin checks his display. “Yep. Sure, I will see if I can get hold of him today.”

“Thanks, I …” A beep notifies him he has an incoming call waiting and he yanks the phone from his ear to check his display. His heart skips a beat as Kili’s picture flashes up on his screen. “Dwalin, I’m sorry I have got to take this other call. Will you call me back soon as?”

“Sure mate. Good to hear from you.”

“You too. And thanks.” He feels guilty for ending the long overdue conversation so abruptly, but he cannot leave Kili hanging. “Kili,” he answers breathlessly. “Where are you, my love? Are you okay?”

“Thorin…” Kili sounds distant. Weird. “I’m gonna kill him. I’m gonna fucking kill him for what he did to me.”

Thorin can feel his heart pulse in his temples as he breaks out into a cold sweat. “Kili, sweety, please tell me where you are.”

“He’s going to pay for everything he’s done to me,” the monotone voice continues. “I am going to make him feel everything he did to me. He’s gonna fucking pay!”

“Who, Kili? Please tell me who you are talking about?” But he knows the answer before Kili confirms it. Azog… “Kili, please, where are you my flower?” But the line is cut off. Thorin immediately returns the call but it rings six times before it goes to answer phone. “Kili, please call me back again,” he urges the answerphone. “Let me help you. Don’t do anything stupid … … I love you.”

As soon as he has ended the call there is a loud knock on the door. He jumps up and finds Fili standing on the front porch.

He more or less drags the younger man inside by his sleeve. “Thorin, what is going on? Where is Kili?”

“Please sit down,” Thorin orders more than he invites the blond to take a seat on the sofa. There is no time for niceties.

“Where is Kili?” Fili repeats the question.

“I don’t know. When I woke this morning he was gone. I believe he has stolen my car.”

Fili raises an eyebrow. “Kili can’t drive.”

“He can. A little. I will explain later. But right now, please tell me, has he ever mentioned anyone by the name Azog to you?”

Fili shakes his head. “No…”

“Has he ever told you how he came to do what he does? How he got into prostitution?”

Again a shake of the head. “He wouldn’t talk about it. Why? Who is this … Azog?”

“As I understand from what Kili has told me this man is a pimp who forced Kili into prostitution to pay off his drug debt. He raped him and beat him up and then he forced him to work for him.”

Fili has gone deathly pale. “I didn’t know. He never said…”

“It doesn’t matter right now. Kili just phoned me. He sounded… odd. Distant. He told me he was going to kill him. That he was going to make this man pay for what he did to him. I fear that all those memories have resurfaced now that he is emerging from his haze and he is going to seek revenge. But I don’t even know who this man is let alone where to find him. And Kili has my car. Something really bad is going to happen, Fili. We have to find him.”

“I don’t know…”

“Ori,” Thorin says more to himself than Fili. “Do you have Ori’s number? Kili’s friend?”

“Yes, I do. Kili gave it to me once. Well, I made him give it me. In case I couldn’t get hold of him. He had a habit of just disappearing sometimes.” And he flicks through his phonebook and hands his phone to Thorin, who immediately presses ‘call’.

“Ori? Ori, it’s Thorin. Kili’s… partner. Oh good, you remember me. Ori, Kili is in trouble. Do you know of someone by the name of Azog?” Thorin listens as Ori stutters an acknowledgement, adding that that is not someone he should get involved with. “Do you know where I would find him? Please Ori, it’s very important. Kili could be in danger.” Ori gives him the area the man operates in and a description. He wouldn’t be hard to spot, with his prosthetic arm and scar across his face. He also gives Thorin the name of a brothel that Azog runs, adding again that this is not someone he should mess with. “Thank you, Ori. I will keep you posted.”

“Barley Hill,” he repeats to Fili.

“Thorin, we should call the police. If Kili is threatening to kill someone.”

“No. He is delirious. He needs our help.”

Fili jumps up grabbing the older man by the shoulders, trying to shake some sense into him. “Thorin, if Kili is armed… What are we going to do? We are not some fucking heroes trying to rescue a damsel in distress. This is real life, Thorin! People could get hurt.”

Thorin pushes him away hard. “Don’t you think I know that?! Kili could get hurt. If he is armed and the police find him in the state he is in. They could shoot him, Fili. I will not risk that. We go there first. We see if we can find him. If the situation is unsolvable then we call for help.”

Fili holds his gaze for just a moment but then relents. He doesn’t know what the right thing to do is either. He is so very fed up with all of this mess. He just wants a normal life for himself and his family. “You go,” he sighs, handing Thorin his car keys. “You go and I will stay here in case he returns. Thorin, I have a baby on the way. I am going to be a father. I can’t put myself in danger like that for my brother anymore. I would have once, honestly. But now…” Thorin looks at him and nods in understanding. Then Fili lets his head hang as he continues quietly, “And if you do find him… tell him that if he doesn’t clean up his act I don’t want anything to do with him anymore. I will not have my son or daughter grow up with an uncle who sets such a bad example. Something for him to think about.”

Thorin feels an intense sadness in his chest. He wants to shout at Fili how he dares turn his back on his brother. But he can understand the man’s position. He has his own family to protect now. And Kili is going to be an uncle… What wonderful news that would be if it wasn’t for the circumstances. _Damn it, Kili, you have so much to live for_ , he thinks. _Please don’t throw it all away in a moment of madness._

“Okay. Call me if he gets here first. And I will call you if I find him. Thanks.” And he grabs the keys and storms out of the door. As he jumps in Fili’s car he dials Dwalin’s number once more. He isn’t handsfree and he has to keep the phone pressed between his ear and shoulder as he puts the car in reverse. But in view of everything else this is probably the least of his sins. “Dwalin! I am so sorry to call you again. Do you know Barley Hill?”

“Yes. That’s a rough area, Thorin. What is going on?”

“Can you meet me at the garage on London Road? I am going to need your help. I will explain when I get there.”

There is only the briefest moment of silence on the other end of the line. “Okay. I will meet you there.”


	18. Revenge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning - implied underage forced prostitution and descriptions of violence

### Fili & Kili

Fili notices his hands are shaking as he boils the kettle to make himself a drink to calm his nerves. His emotions are all over the place. He regrets saying what he had said to Thorin now, about not wanting to have anything to do with Kili anymore if he does not sort himself out. He had said it in anger and out of frustration with the situation that his brother had once more put him in. But in reality he knows he will relent again as he always has. It is a constant cycle – Kili gets into trouble, they fight about it, they do not speak to each other for months, Fili starts to worry and attempts to make amends once more and so the wheel begins to turn again.

With an intense sadness he thinks back to how close he and Kili once were. How as children they had done and shared everything together. He misses that bond with his little brother now more than ever. He would love nothing more than to share his excitement and his fears of becoming a father for the first time with Kili.

The sadness that his brother is in no fit state to be sharing what should be the happiest time of Fili’s life is making his anger flare once more. He knows Kili has had a rough ride. And what Thorin had told him about what had been done to him … he feels sick to the stomach at the thought.

But so many years have passed. He has been handed so many offers of help and support. And yet he continues to throw them back in everyone’s face. This guy - Thorin - he seems to really love Kili as he is trying everything in his power to help him. So what had possessed his idiot brother to go and do a stupid thing like steal the man’s car? To yet again have all but negative attention focused on him?

He can feel the disappointment and anger boiling inside him. Did his brother ever think about anyone but himself? Had Kili ever given it any thought that maybe at times Fili had needed _him_? That he had also suffered the loss of their father and subsequently their family home. How when Kili had fallen in with the wrong crowds, Fili – being the studious, quiet one – had suffered at the hands of the estate’s bullies? How he too had had moments in his life where he would have wanted to cry on his brother’s shoulder and yet he had never been able to? How he is scared now at the thought of holding such a little person in his arms in a few months’ time, who will be totally dependent on him and how maybe this once he would like to receive reassurance from his brother that everything will be okay?

He stares at the number flashing up on his mobile which lies next to him on the worktop and it take a couple of buzzes before it sinks in that it is Kili ringing him. “Where the hell are you?! He shouts into the receiver and immediately bites his tongue as the line stays silent for a moment. “Kili?” he tries a little calmer.

“Fee,” the croaked voice replies. “I am … … Hm, I don’t know.”

“Did you drive back to city?” After all that is what Thorin had implied had happened.

But Kili snorts. “Hardly. I have discovered I cannot actually drive a car after just one lesson. It’s not me, it is all these other idiots on the road!”

Fili feels relieved and confused all at the same time. “Kili, what happened? Are you stoned?”

“No! Still, Thorin is going to be very mad, isn’t he?” he hears his little brother sigh and Fili cannot help the laughter that escapes him.

“Well yes, strangely enough he is not very happy that his boyfriend took his car without his permission. Or without a driving licence for that matter.”

“I know. I fucked up again.”

“Yes you did.”

Finally the penny drops. “Hey, how do you know I took Thorin’s car?! Where are _you_?”

“I’m at your little love nest, brother. I had hoped to for once receive a call telling me that you hadn’t got yourself into trouble. Alas…”

“You are _where_?! Oh my god, you’re with Thorin!”

“He is not here. He has taken my car and has gone to look for you. You need to come back. Now. Can you walk back?”

“Ehm… maybe. It will take me a while. I can drive back…”

“No!”

“Fine,” Kili sulks. “I will walk, but it will take forever.”

“Then talk to me while you are walking, brother. I think it is about time we had a good talk, don’t you?”

 

### Thorin & Dwalin

It is strange to see his friend again after so many years. They fall into the embrace so easily. He thinks Thorin looks good, if not a little tired and clearly stressed. But despite the years that have passed since they last saw each other, Thorin actually looks years younger than he remembers. Whoever this guy is that is causing all this trouble, he clearly is having a rejuvenating effect on his best friend.

“Thank you for coming,” Thorin pats him on the back.

“No problem. What is wrong?”

Thorin nods to Dwalin’s car. “I will tell you if you drive.”

The two men get into Dwalin’s car, abandoning Fili’s in the customer car park of the petrol station for the time being. “Where am I going?” Dwalin asks as he starts the engine and Thorin gives him the address of the brothel that Ori had given him. Dwalin raises an eyebrow as he stares at his friend who looks like a coiled spring ready to explode at the slightest touch. But Thorin pretends not to notice as he gazes purposefully into the distance. And Dwalin drives off into the required direction nonetheless.

“So…?” He prods as Thorin continues to stare silently ahead, his jaw set in a tense grimace. “Are you going to tell me what is going on?”

Thorin takes a deep breath. “My partner…” he begins. “You know I mentioned the baggage? He …” There is no easy way to say this. “He used to work in a sex club.” Dwalin almost misses the turning as he coughs at the revelation. “He told me he was forced into doing that work. A long time ago. He was beaten and abused; his life had been threatened.” Dwalin rubs his hand over his beard as he is trying to take it all in. Thorin sighs deeply as he stares out of the side window, not really seeing anything but what is going through his head. “This morning he stole my car,” he continues quietly. “And when I finally got hold of him he told me that he had gone to seek revenge on the man who had forced him into this life.”

Dwalin abruptly stops the car on the side of the road, causing an angry hooting of horns behind him and an aggressive flinging of the middle finger from the person swerving round them, but they both ignore the gesture.

“What the hell, Thorin?” he groans. “What is this? What are you dragging me into?!”

Thorin looks at him, his eyes hard and dark under his heavy eyebrows. “I need to find him. I need to know he is safe.”

Dwalin shakes his head. “Shit, Thorin. This is madness. Are you out of your mind?”

But Thorin looks deadly serious. “I love him.”

It hits Dwalin like a punch in the face. Not for the reason he was expecting. But because he has never for as long as he has known Thorin seen such a deep emotions in his friend’s eyes. And he realises with a shock that this is the first time in forty-two years that Thorin has actually fallen in love.

He nods as he pulls back into the traffic, causing another angry shaking of fists in his rear view mirror as he cuts someone up. But he is too emotionally confused to care about the road rage of others. Whatever his friend has gotten himself – has gotten them – into is not going to be nice.

 

### Fili & Kili

Kili abandons Thorin’s car in the country lane. He hasn’t seen a single car pass since he stopped here this morning so he is quite sure it will be just fine here for now. He presses the remote lock button and shoves the keys and his hand in the right pocket of his body warmer as he starts the long walk back to the holiday cottage that he and Thorin had been staying in.

“So why did you nick Thorin’s car in the first place?” Fili starts.

“I dunno,” Kili sighs. “I guess when I woke up this morning … I just needed a fix so badly. I don’t know what possessed me. You don’t know what it’s like. It’s like this all consuming feeling. Like nothing else matters. Like you cannot take another breath without some grass.” He can hear his brother sigh in exasperation. “But I didn’t!” he replies quickly, trying so hard not to get angry at his brother’s tone. “Once I got in the car and I realised that didn’t even know where I was or where I was going… And then as I tried to work out all the buttons in that stupid car… Jesus, Fili, why does a car need that many buttons anyway?! But when I looked up all of a sudden there was this person standing in the road! And I swerved but I nearly hit him!” He is breathing hard now, his heart bouncing against his rib cage as he remembers the near miss. “So I stopped, Fee. I realised that I was being a dickhead. That I could kill somebody. Someone innocent. And also that I didn’t want to just give in again, like I have always done. I thought about how good you have been to me over the years, trying to get me help and stuff. And how I keep pushing you away and disappointing you…”

“Oh Kee.” Fili has sat himself down now, his cup of tea cold and forgotten in front of him.

“I have, brother, I know I have. And Thorin… he has been so very good to me too, Fee. He has tried to help me, is trying to teach me new skills and has said he might be able to help me get a job. I believe he really loves me. And I love him too, Fee, I really do. I have never felt like this with anyone before. He makes me feel so warm and happy. And oh my he’s so hot!”

“Uhum, too much, Kee!”

“Sorry,” Kili giggles. “But I thought how I had disappointed him too. How angry he must be with me for betraying his trust. And when I thought about losing him… I couldn’t deal with that thought, Fili. And then I started to shiver all over but I felt really hot at the same time. I just sat there, in his car, trying to keep calm. And all of a sudden it all came back to me. Everything, Fili. All those things I could never tell you. Because I was so ashamed…”

“Kee, I am so sorry. I didn’t know…”

“How would you have known? I didn’t want to talk about it, remember. And you are not the one who should be sorry. You have tried to talk to me. So many times. But I couldn’t look at you. I felt so dirty. So… weak.”

“Kili, never say that. You were just a child.”

They are both quiet for a moment, the only sound the steady pounding of Kili’s shoes on the tarmac.

“I really wanted to kill him, Fili, that man who had forced me into this. When I phoned Thorin ... it was all I could think of. That if I could just remove this dirt from my life… But it won’t help will it, Fee? It won’t change what has happened…”

Fili only notices the tear rolling over his cheek when it drips onto the back of his hand. “No, little brother, I am afraid it won’t. If there was anything I could do to change the past, to erase all those evil things done to you… But I cannot, little Kee. I can only try and make your future better.”

Kili too feels the saltiness of a tear as it flows between his lips. “I miss you, brother,” he sobs softly. “I love you so much. I am so sorry for everything.”

“Oh baby brother, don’t be sorry. I love you too. And I have missed you more than you’ll ever know. Are you far still away?”

“I don’t think so. Maybe another fifteen minutes or so. My battery is running low though. And I really should text Thorin. Let him know I’m okay…”

“Sure. Just promise me you will come straight here.”

“I will. Thank you, my brother.”

### Thorin & Dwalin

Dwalin pulls up opposite what looks just an ordinary house. It is one of those old Georgian three story buildings that would once have been owned by a very rich family with their servants living downstairs. But it’s long lost its glory and now it has an air of dilapidated sadness about it.

Dwalin nods towards the property. “This?” Thorin asks in disbelief. This is not at all what he had expected. It looks too normal. Surely they have got the wrong address. “Are you sure?” he asks as he turns back to his friend.

At that very moment his phone vibrates in his hand. He unlocks the screen with a quick swipe and sighs in relief.

_Babe, I’m so sorry. Know ur angry with me and u should b. Just letting u know I’m safe. And ur car is ok. If u still want to speak 2 me, pls call. xxx_

He is about to press the call button, but just as he looks back across the street he notices the young lad smoking against the wall next to front door. His breath is stolen from him. For the briefest of moment his mind is playing tricks with him. This boy, who looks so young from where he is sat, with his half long brown hair and his trying-to-be-casual yet nervous manner… “Kili…” he whispers.

He opens the car door as in a dream. He vaguely hears Dwalin call out to him, but he has already crossed the street.

The boy notices him approach now and quickly stubs out his cigarette before he darts inside.

Thorin finds himself running, almost throwing himself against the door, which the boy had not been able to close in time. He can hear Dwalin’s heavy footsteps behind him. “Thorin!” But even though he knows the voice is close it sounds far away through the red daze that is filling his every being.

The hallway is empty. It does look like any normal if not very well looked after place. The walls are bare, the carpet is worn and stained. There are doors to the end and either side of the hallway and a staircase leading up to the first floor. As he looks up, he catches a glimpse of the brunet he had seen outside. And before Dwalin can grab his arm he has taken the stairs three steps at a time.

As he stands on the landing the door to his left opens and a curly blond and equally young looking lad appears, dressed in nothing more than his boxers. “Hello,” he whispers shyly at Thorin.

Thorin freezes on the spot as a tall man appears behind the boy, brushing a large hand through his hair.

“Well,” the bald man with the cold eyes smiles at Thorin, just as Dwalin catches up with him, panting heavily from the chase. “I wasn’t expecting any guests so early. But I am sure we can accommodate if you have travelled from far. What are you looking for, gentlemen? A nice blond, like Bilbo here? He is very good with his mouth… Or do you prefer something a little younger?”

“Younger?!” Fury is coiling through Thorin’s very being. He is trembling from top to bottom and yet the world seems overly sharp around him. His gaze slides from the evil man’s scarred face to his missing left forearm. And the world grinds to such an abrupt hold that he momentarily loses his balance.

“Thorin,” Dwalin tries to grab his arm one more time, but he jerks himself lose violently.

“Get the boy out of here,” he hisses through gritted teeth. “Now!” And a second later he launches himself with the ferocity of a mother bear protecting her cubs at the man who has harmed his beloved Kili and is continuing to harm vulnerable others like him without the slightest bit of remorse or compassion.

Dwalin is torn what to do. He should help his friend, stop him, protect him… But the big scared eyes of the blond boy decide it for him. He grabs the boy and runs down the stairs with him as he leaves Thorin grappling with the pimp. Bilbo is screaming, pounding his fists against Dwalin’s back, trying to kick and bite him.

“Hush,” Dwalin is trying to sooth him as he pushes the boy inside the back of car and locks the doors onto child lock. The boy is banging his fists against the window, screaming abuse at him. “I will be right back,” he mouths as he runs back inside.

He has never seen a violent streak in Thorin, but his best friend is tall and strong and the deep hatred and despite has given him the strength of a gladiator. He is straddled on top of the subject of his rage as his fists are raining down relentlessly whilst he spits the most colourful abuse at him. The other man is even bigger than Thorin, but he had been so taken by surprise at the violent attack that he had found himself pinned on his back before he had a moment to realise what was happening.

“Thorin!” Dwalin is pulling at his shoulders as specks of spittle and blood fly through the air.

He manages to pull his friend far enough up so that he momentarily releases his target. “You vile piece of filth!” he screams at the scarred and bloody face beneath him.

Azog smiles a mocking grin at him as he spits out a lose tooth. “Really? It’s men just like you who come here every day looking to get a good fuck. If you’re no copper why are you here if not to treat your cock to a nice young boy, eh?”

“You fucking scumbag!!” Thorin fights himself lose out of Dwalin’s grip and as he falls back onto the slightly dazed man his hands lock in a vice-like grip around his throat. “I will fucking kill you, you evil bastard!”

Dwalin tries his hardest to release Thorin’s grip, pulling at his clothes, his arms, even his hair to try and get him to stop. “Thorin, you are killing him!” he shouts as the man’s cold eyes are starting to show the red streaks of burst blood vessels and are turning into the back of his head. He is gasping but no breath is forthcoming as Thorin continues to strangle the life from him.

“Thorin!!” Dwalin grabs his own friend in a headlock now. It is the only way to get him to loosen the grip before his friend turns murderer. It works. Thorin has to let go as his own intake of breath is cut off by the strong arm against his throat and he is dragged onto floor.

Time stands still as they both stare wide-eyed at the pale man lying deathly still on the floor in front. “Fuck,” Dwalin whispers at the realisation that the man is not breathing.

Then the pale pimp draws in a shallow breath as his remaining hand shoots to his throat, his eyes rolling around not finding focus.

Dwalin feels a brief second of relief that his friend hasn’t killed the man, before the fear sets in. He drags Thorin to his feet. But all the adrenaline has left Thorin’s body now and he slumps. Dwalin glances over at the evil man on the floor and notices he is slowly coming to. “Shit, Thorin, we have got to get out of here,” he whispers urgently.

He all but carries his friend back down the stairs and towards the car.

They find the passenger door of his car wide open. The blond boy must have climbed over the seats and although Dwalin briefly glances around he is nowhere to be seen. The streets are empty here. People do not linger in this area of town. It is one of those places that isn’t frightening for the obvious troubles out on the street but the distinct lack of it. A world of a much darker evil than what is obvious to the naked eye.

He pushes Thorin into the passenger seat and bends over him to put on his seatbelt as he slumps forward. He gently pushes his head back before he closes the door and runs around to the driver’s side. He looks back at the house, at the open door, but there is no sign of life there. And he starts the car and accelerates hard to get them out of this place as soon as possible.

“Thorin?” he tries when they are joining the normal city traffic again. His friend’s head is lulling around against the headrest. “Thorin, are you okay? I am sorry if I hurt you…”

“You didn’t.” The whisper is faint, but it is something. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

Thorin is slowly coming back to reality now. “For stopping me from killing him.”

Dwalin nods. “We will phone the police. Those boys…” He cannot even finish the sentence; feeling like he will throw up if he says anymore. “Let’s stop for a drink on the way back. Did you hear back from your… partner?”

Thorin nods, remembering now. He cannot phone Kili. Not yet. He is too upset. Too shaken. He might never tell Kili what happened today. But he pulls out his phone to send a message back.

_Not angry, flower. Just worried. On my way back. Are you home? Love you x_

The reply comes quickly.

_Thorin! Yes, back now. With Fili. Love you too! Come back soon pls. xxx_

He turns off his screen and smiles weakly at Dwalin who looks over at him.

“All okay?”

“Yes.” He strokes over the backs of his hands, his knuckles already starting to swell in a rainbow of colours from the assault he had dealt. “Let’s go and get that coffee. I need one.”


	19. Safe (e)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please have a look at this beautiful drawing of Thorin in a suit by http://spader7.tumblr.com/. This fantastic artist must have looked into my head as this is exactly how I imagine modern day Thorin. Simply wow! http://25.media.tumblr.com/05b030a9de5c58068b10be77664fc921/tumblr_n2uayhKSnI1ql2lfco2_500.jpg

Dwalin had pulled up into the service station and plonked Thorin down onto one of the brightly colours faux leather benches with a cup of coffee in front of him as he went to find a pay phone.

Thorin sips at the strong hot brew, staring blankly at the magnolia wall in front of him whilst flexing his painful hand.  He does not know what had possessed him to launch such an attack. He had gone to find Kili to try and stop him from doing something foolish and instead he had ended up acting the fool himself. He looks down at his swollen knuckles and a deep fear grips him. It is not like he goes around beating people up on a daily basis. But to see the results of his loss of control painted across the back of his hands is sending chills down his spine. _You are not your father_ , he tries to reassure himself silently. _You should not have done what you did, but these were exceptional circumstances. That does not make you a violent person like your father. It was a one-off. The man was a paedophile, pimping under aged boys. Anyone would understand why you did what you did ...  But that still does not make it right. You told Kili never to lay his hands on anyone. And look what you have done._

He jumps out of his skin as Dwalin lays his hand on his shoulder.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to frighten you,” his friend says as he takes the seat opposite him.

“I’m just a little tensed up, is all. How did it go?”

“They are going to send someone over. Have given me a reference number. But I would not count on anything coming from it, Thorin. By the time they get there he’s bound to have vanished. He is not going to sit around waiting for the police to knock on his door now is he? If he has gotten away with this for so long he is smarter than that.”

Thorin nods sadly. “I guess. Thanks anyway.”

“You’re welcome.” He takes a sip from his coke as he stares into Thorin’s face. “Tell me about him. Your partner. Kili is it?”

Thorin smiles softly. “Yes. You are going to think me a fool, Dwalin.” His friend just shrugs his shoulders. After today nothing is going to surprise him anymore. “I have only known him for little over a week. He’s my first … you know, boyfriend.” He feels the slight blush creeping into the skin underneath his dark beard.

“Tell me why you love him. What makes him so special?” Dwalin just wants to cheer his friend up a little. But also he is curious to hear how someone could have made such an impact on his normally sane friend in such a short space of time. “And I don’t need to know the explicits,” he chuckles.

Thorin grins. “Fair enough. I don’t know. He’s …” Hm, it’s an interesting question. He has not really thought about it. Falling for Kili … it just happened. “I feel like he completes me. In some ways we are such opposites. He is young, reckless, naïve at times. But he is also fun, open to new things. He has such raw enthusiasm for everything. It’s intoxicating. He makes me laugh, he makes me cry. He makes me feel again, Dwalin. Since the divorce… all I have thought about it work. Don’t get me wrong, I love my work. But it has been nice to think about something else. To feel happiness and love.”

Dwalin smiles at him, encouraging him silently to continue.

“And then in other ways I can see myself reflected in him. The insecurities. The desperate need of wanting to please, wanting to do all the right things and yet feeling like you are failing again and again. I feel that we need each other, Dwalin. I know it looks like it is all Kili needing me right now, but I need him just as much in return. I need him to help me live. To find the right life-work balance again. To enjoy life.”

“I would like to meet him,” Dwalin says quietly, taking another sip. Seeing Thorin like this is wonderful. He can see the anguish of the complications this odd relationship his created, but underneath all that Thorin is happily in love. And how can he wish for anything more than that for his best friend?

“Really? That would mean a lot to me.” Thorin reaches across to take Dwalin’s hand. He can feel his friend flinch for just a moment, before he accepts the brief gesture. “I have missed you, buddy.” Thorin squeezes the big hand, wincing as the tensing in the muscles hurts him and he lets go again. “Thank you for coming back into my life.”

“I am glad for it. I have missed you too, Thorin.” And he grabs Thorin’s hand back, holding the bruised extremity gently. “And you are nothing like your father.”

Thorin’s eyes grow wide, but then he remembers how well Dwalin used to guess at his thoughts when they were younger. He lowers his eyes as a gentle smile tugs at the corner of his lips. “Thank you.”

***

As Thorin pulls into the driveway in Fili’s car, Dwalin turning in behind him in his own car, the first thing he notices is that his Merc is still missing. Panic briefly flutters through his chest but he does his best to calm himself down, hoping that the brothers are still inside and that there will be an easy explanation for his missing car when Kili had texted him to say it was still in one piece.

“Nice place,” Dwalin comments.

“It’s a friend’s. But yes, it is very nice. I have enjoyed staying outside of the city, I have to admit.”

The moment he opens the door Kili is around his neck, pressing wet open kisses against his mouth. Thorin is failing miserably trying to move him away as he clings onto him with great intensity and in the end he has to shuffle him backwards through the little hallway into the living room, their lips still in a tight lock, to allow Dwalin to enter the cottage.

Fili exchanges glances with the newcomer, who shrugs and extends his hand. “Dwalin. I’m Thorin’s friend.”

“Fili. Kili’s brother. Nice to meet you. I eh.. will put the kettle on, shall I.”

“Let me help you,” Dwalin enthusiastically takes the offer to leave the two lovers a moment to themselves.

“Thorin, I was so worried,” Kili sighs through their kisses. “Fili said you had gone to look for me. That you had gone back to the city. You didn’t, did you? Please tell me you didn’t go there. To see _him_.” He spits the last word out with disgust.

“I was worried about you too,” Thorin circumvents the question. “You stupid little shit. What were you thinking, taking my car?” But there is no menace in his voice. He is too glad to have Kili back in his arms to be too mad with him.

“I’m sorry, Thorin,” Kili lowers his eyes in reprimand, but his head is tilted back up as Thorin leans back into the kiss and slowly pries his mouth open with his tongue. He pulls Kili’s body hard against his, wanting to feel every inch of his being to ensure its safety. It is only when Fili and Dwalin return with cups of tea and biscuits that Thorin releases his love from the embrace.

“Sorry,” he shrugs a little embarrassed at their visitors. He leads Kili back to the sofa as they all take up seats in the living room.

They drink their tea in silence. There is so much to say, so many questions unanswered between them. But somehow they have all come to the silent agreement that they will not talk about any of it. Not now and maybe not ever. They all instinctively feel that today’s events have been some sort of turning point. Not just for Kili but for all of them. They must now choose – to fall back into old habits of strained relationships and bad decisions, or to draw a line under the past and move forward together.

“Did you tell Kili?” Thorin asks Fili eventually, breaking the silence.

“Told me what?” Kili asks looking at his brother. They had spent the entire afternoon talking, so Thorin could be referring to anything. It had been a relief to open up to each other after so many years. To both be honest about their feelings, about the mutual hurts. Fili had come to realise for the first time how deep Kili’s desolation really ran and how Kili might not have achieved those goals in his life that he would have liked for his baby brother, but he was nonetheless impressed by how Kili had gotten to where he was instead of lying dead in a gutter somewhere. Kili in return was surprised to hear how Fili had felt abandoned by Kili at times. How he too had needed him. And it had felt as if Fili had given him his identity back. That he was a brother. And that Fili wanted him there in his life, no matter what.

But Fili had not yet told him this. “Not yet.”

“My apologies,” Thorin flushes, thinking he has inadvertently raised a forbidden subject.

“Not at all,” Fili smiles. “We just hadn’t gotten to it yet is all. Kili,” he says to his brother with a genuine smile now. “You are going to be an uncle.”

Kili looks back at his brother, his mouth dropping open. The words sink in slowly as the surprise is so great. But then he is on his feet, flying into his brother’s arms. “Oh Fee, that is wonderful. Congratulations! I am so happy for you!!”

Thorin exchanges a glance with Dwalin who returns his smile. “Well,” he says when Kili has calmed down from his excitement. “I think that calls for a celebration. How about we all go out for a meal together? Perhaps tomorrow night? All of us and your wives, Fili and Dwalin, if they would like to come? What do you say? My treat.”

Fili smiles. “I would love that.”

“Dwalin?”

“That would be nice. Thank you, Thorin.”

“And I think you should invite Ori as well,” he smiles at Kili. “By the way you need to let him know you are okay. I called him when you disappeared and he will be worried.”

***

Fili left shortly thereafter, promising to confirm the meal later that evening once he had spoken to his wife. Dwalin dropped Kili and Thorin off at where Kili had abandoned Thorin’s car, before saying his goodbyes and also promising to confirm later. Thorin and Kili had driven back to the cottage in silence – although Kili had sent a text to Ori to let him know he was fine and ask him about the meal - but Thorin had felt Kili’s eyes burning on the injuries on his hands as they held onto the steering wheel, knowing that Kili was biting his tongue to ask him about it.

He could hold back no longer once they were back inside the house. “What happened, Thorin? You found him didn’t you? You went to look for me and you found Azog, What did you do? Did you beat him up?”

Thorin looks at him for a moment, but then turns his head. “Kili, I should not have done what I did. We should leave it at that.”

Kili wants to ask more, not satisfied with the explanation. But he can see the turmoil in Thorin’s face. In the end he wraps his arms around Thorin’s middle and lays his head against his chest. “Thank you,” he whispers simply.

Thorin pulls him in tight again, kissing his lovely long hair. He breathes in Kili’s smell, the familiar scent sending his head spinning. His hands slide over the back of Kili’s head, down his back, squeezing his bum as he presses his pelvis into him. And he cannot wait any longer. The desire to take Kili, to be one with him, is snaking through every cell in his body. And just as Kili is starting to tilt his head back in reaction to the growing hardness between them, Thorin scoops him up in his arms, drawing a delicious squeal from Kili’s mouth.

“I am going to fuck you so hard,” he growls against Kili’s neck as he buries his face deep there, biting down onto the soft skin.

Kili draws in a surprised breath. Thorin had neither been this forward or this crude in his expressions up till now. But he loves it; being literally swept of his feet and carried towards the bedroom by his strong lover, where he is thrown down onto the soft bed. Thorin pins him down underneath him as he continues to lavishly lick his wet rough tongue from Kili’s ear down to his collar bone. And Kili lets himself rest back into the pillows his hands clawing through Thorin’s thick long curls as he gives himself over to the feeling.

“I am going to make you mine,” Thorin whispers against his neck as his fingers are roaming purposefully over his chest. “Every little bit of you.”

“Yes, Thorin. Please,” is all Kili is able to say as Thorin pushes himself up and roughly pulls his jumper over his head, making the seams creak in protest before his hair drops in flowing waves back over his shoulders and back making Kili whimper in delight. The younger lover quickly follows his lead, stripping off his own shirt with equal haste before Thorin presses his body down heavily onto him.

Their chests scraping together, Thorin pushes Kili’s legs roughly apart, pressing his still clothed crotch hard down against Kili’s, feeling their erections come together through the material of their trousers. “Oh my flower,” Thorin breathes as he laps his tongue over Kili’s swollen lips. “You sexy little thing. I am going to make you scream my name today.”

Kili grins as he battles with Thorin’s tongue, curling around each other whilst their lips massage bruises onto the tender pink flesh. “Hmm, Thorin,” he groans softly. “I like this new side to you a lot!”

“You are going to like it a whole lot more still,” Thorin growls softly as he bites down onto Kili’s bottom lip, pulling at it between his teeth.

Thorin licks his way down Kili’s chest, but he is in no mood for lengthy foreplay. He wants to fill Kili as soon as possible, feeling his need pulse through his groin as his tongue is treated to the salty heat of Kili’s flesh. He sits himself on his haunches between Kili’s thighs as he yanks impatiently at his belt. He is rock hard already and the release of his cock from the confines of his clothes makes him sigh blissfully.

“Trousers off, little flower,” he whispers heatedly to Kili as he shuffles himself down far enough to allow Kili to move his legs and remove his trousers as requested. He is about to pull down his boxers as well, but Thorin grabs hold of him and rolls him back onto his back. “Not just yet.” Thorin is stark naked already, his thick cock clearly ready to show Kili the stars. Kili whimpers softly at the unfairness of not being able to release his own length just yet. But he swallows his complaint as soon as Thorin bends his face down towards his groin and sucks at him through his underwear, giving him the hot wetness of his mouth but the tease of not being able to fully feel that tongue working him.

“Nnngh, Thorin,” he groans as his fingers dig into the duvet. “That feels good.”

Thorin doesn’t bother replying. His mouth is too occupied to form a response as he takes the tip of Kili’s prick and the material surrounding it into his mouth, sloppily sucking at the bulge. Meanwhile his hand feels its way up Kili’s boxers until he find Kili’s perineum and he starts to press his big fingers in urgent strokes over the sensitive place between Kili’s sack and his lovely hole.

“Does it feel good, lovely one?” he breathes heavily as he lets go of his lover’s straining sword.

“Mmm,” Kili responds, wriggling his body against the tease of Thorin’s fingers, his eyes shut as he attempts to grind himself to more pleasure.

Thorin peels the elastic of his boxers down now, running his nose along Kili’s exposed length to breathe in the scent of his sex. He feels the heat of Kili’s taut skin touching his face and it sends hot shiver straight to his cock which is twitching in need. Tentatively he sticks out his tongue, just running the tip over the little lumps and bumps of veins and fibres running through Kili’s bone-hard prick.

“Thorin…” he can hear Kili whimper softly. And Thorin helps him out of his boxers, throwing the garment leisurely on the floor as he bends himself down again.

The coarse dark curls surrounding his beautiful cock tickle against Thorin’s lips as he slowly moves his mouth further down until he softly latches on to his sack, gently taking one ball into his mouth as his hand plays with the other.

“Thorin!” the whimper is louder and more insistent this time as Kili writhes for him. He can feel Kili’s balls tighten under his touch as he moves his mouth to play with the other.

Kili’s hand has slid down to palm his cock as Thorin is working at him with that hot mouth of his. He cannot even think about anything other than that heat that is enveloping his most sensitive parts, making him ache and leak. He doesn’t think there can be anything else, anything better than Thorin working at him like this other than perhaps him taking him fully into his mouth – the memory of the previous time he had done that is enough to make a large drop of pre-cum slither over his hand. But he had not counted for one second on Thorin’s tongue sliding further down him as he pushes Kili thighs up, tilting his pelvis upwards.

“Thorrraaaah…” Kili keens loudly this time as Thorin’s hot tongue sweeps over his furrow.

Thorin lavishes in the feeling of complete and utter lust that flows through his body like a raging torrent as he presses his tongue against the rim of Kili’s entrance. Knowing now just how sensitive all those tiny little nerves there are he gently licks the tip of his tongue in little circles over the puckered skin, listening to Kili whine and groan and watching him pulse in his desire for more. He cannot afford to play for long. His need to take Kili hard and deep is almost untameable now and he will not be able to withhold himself for much longer. But his lover will need some preparation before he ruts himself into that tight hole. And what better way than to lick him open like this.

He can hear his own groans deep in his throat as he sticks his tongue out further and presses against the dark pink circle. His tongue slides in with ease, feeling the gripping of Kili’s ring of muscles as he does so. Their bodies battle for dominance, Kili’s natural instinct to try to expel the invasion whilst Thorin pushes back hard, his nose bumping up against his taint. Thorin’s pressing persistence wins quickly as Kili starts to relax and open up for him. And Thorin moans across his tongue as it slides in deep enough to feel his lips press hard between Kili’s widespread cheeks.

“Yes, yes! Keep going!” he can hear Kili groan loudly as the sloppy noise of him fisting his cock increases with the faster rhythm. He will make him come like this, Thorin muses. Let him come hard as he fucks his tongue as deep as he can into the hot red hole. He won’t take long now. Just a few more teases of his tongue … in and out … licking around the inside of his rim. “Oh yes! Aah aah aah! Nnngh… THORIN!!” Kili’s butt clenches as his seed spills over, little flecks flying into Thorin’s dark hair which is sprawled out over Kili’s thighs like a blanket as the older man struggles to keep the momentum going against Kili’s bucking heat.

He keeps up the mouthing of Kili’s entrance just a little longer after Kili flops back down, prying him open just a little more as he sticks a thick finger eagerly in next to his tongue, making Kili squirm and mewl.

“I told you I would make you scream my name,” he grins when his mouth finally moves away from Kili’s butt, pleased with his achievement. He cannot control himself any longer. Fuck condoms. Kili is his now. He knows that is a rubbish excuse and he should know better, but he wants his lover to feel him come undone inside him.

He is kind enough to spit a couple of time into Kili’s open entrance, thumbing the saliva around his rim, before he stretches himself up and places the tip of his cock against the open heat.

Kili’s closed eyes flick open as he can feel Thorin’s naked length starting to fill him. Thorin stretches his legs out now, planking himself on top of Kili as he sinks his cock down between his soft buttocks, inch by inch drilling into that tight heat. “My love…” Kili sighs deeply as he remembers to relax against the intrusion. How had he forgotten so quickly how thick his lover’s cock feels in him? How much it stretches his soft walls, filling every inch of his channel with hot thick love.

He and Thorin have been so gentle with each other up until now, exploring each other’s bodies carefully and slowly. Which has been wonderful, tender and romantic. But seeing Thorin completely taken by arousal and lust is an equally pleasant experience.

“Kili…” he groans as he starts to roll his hips to ride himself into the intense heat of Kili’s body. “I love you.” He emphasises his words with a deep thrust, slapping his balls against Kili’s buttocks.

“I love you … too,” Kili groans as Thorin ruts himself hard into his ass, dragging along his prostate with each thrust, sending more electric pulses through his already hypersensitive body.

Thorin pushes himself down against Kili’s lower body, coating his skin with the white cum that is smeared across Kili’s lower belly. His mouth clasps down onto Kili’s with a wild kind of heat, remembering only then where his tongue has come from. But Kili is not bothered and drags him down into his mouth as he answers his tongue with equal passion.

It is too much. The heat, the smell… Kili licking his own taste off his tongue. His lover gripping at him through every thrust, working his internal muscles hard to give Thorin the ultimate pleasure. The look of dark lust in Kili’s eyes as he is still worn from his orgasm. The feeling of Kili’s sperm coating his belly as he grinds up against him. He can feel his balls tighten as the tip of his cock pulses. “Gonna… come…” he yelps as Kili clenches him hard again. The explosion in his nether regions is all consuming as he shoots his seed deep into the channel of Kili’s body. And he is all too aware of the deep wailing rising up in his chest as he comes undone inside his lover. He makes a vain attempt to thrust himself in and out again, but his legs are giving in too soon and he just finds himself rolling his hips between Kili’s thighs as his body takes over from his brain to pulse through his lingering climax.

Kili is clawing at his back, tugging at his hair and has wrapped his thighs around his hips as he pulls him in deeper, moaning equally throaty sounds as he feels Thorin spend himself inside him.

Their renewed kisses are clumsy, drowsy as they are from the amazing sex that has just flowed between them. Their lips seek and find each other blindly as they pant into each other’s mouths. Their bodies are melted together, Kili’s wet cock trapped between them.

“Stay,” Kili whispers. “Stay in me for as long as you can.” This is bliss. Feeling their joining, feeling the wetness of their love making stick to them, as they together relax into that warm feeling that follows. That feeling of ultimate love and being together.

Thorin slowly rests himself down on top of Kili’s sweaty body. His mouth is licking the salt from Kili’s temples as his hand strokes through his hair. “You are mine,” he whispers possessively in Kili’s ear sending little shivers through his lover’s body which he can feel against his softening cock.

“And you’re mine,” Kili replies, grabbing the top of Thorin’s buttocks as he grinds himself up against his hips, feeling his lover starting to slip from him. He bites down onto Thorin’s shoulder, leaving a mark of his ownership there.

When Thorin’s prick eventually slips from his body, they crawl underneath the duvet together. Nevermind Kili’s sticky cum that still coats both their bellies and blemishes Thorin’s lovely black hair. Nevermind Thorin’s seed spilling in little trickles from Kili’s entrance as his muscles are relaxing. These are the symbols of their love and they must not yet be washed away just yet as they fall asleep in a tight embrace, happy in the knowledge that either is safe and in the other’s arms.


	20. Friends and Family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, witchesdelite, for your ongoing support! Hope you enjoy this!

Thorin wakes only twenty or so minutes later. He does not do afternoon naps, although dozing off in each other’s arms in the aftermath of their impromptu intercourse was rather nice. He had surprised himself taking such initiative like he had. A few years ago he could never have imagined being either as forward or experimental in his love life. When he had slept with his ex, who had been his only other bed partner, it had been good old fashioned after nine o’clock in the bedroom missionary position. No shower sex, no blow jobs, no masturbating for each other, no sexing on the sofa and definitely no going at it just because you were in the mood even if it was in the middle of the afternoon. Of course he would not blame it on his ex although she had not been the experimental type either.  But it was not her fault that it had always felt like a duty rather than a desire to him. Never until now, enjoying such intense feelings with Kili, had he realised just how much that had been the case. He guessed it was one of those _you do not know what you are missing unless you try it_ kind of things. And now that he had there was no going back.

He looks at the sleeping man in his arms. Kili is so beautiful when he is asleep, especially with the remnants of their love making evident in his swollen lips and tussled hair. He strokes gently through the soft curls as he does his best to slide his arm from under him without waking the man. Even then he stays lying on his side for a while, just taking in the picture of his beloved so blissfully unaware of his gaze. How is Kili just so perfectly handsome in every way? Thorin leans himself forward to press a soft kiss on the tip of his nose, which earns him a sleepy gruff before Kili turns himself over and continues to snore softly.

He slides himself out of the bed and tiptoes to the bathroom where he turns on the shower. As he shampoos his hair he thinks back to the crazy events of earlier in the day. It feels like a month has passed since this morning. His emotions are still high up in his chest. So many thoughts are flitting through his mind. He feels like he's floating on a cloud of love and lust every time he thinks of Kili. And yet there is this undercurrent of trouble running through. Making him do things that he would never in a million years have done before he had met Kili. Like his love for him is draining every ounce of sanity from his being. First he had beat someone up. And then he had had unprotected sex with his prostituting boyfriend. The guilt of both events lies across his shoulders like a boulder now. What had he been thinking? Is he slowly beginning to lose his mind? Is his relationship with Kili more poisonous than he realises?

He dries himself off and walks back into the bedroom to put on some clothes. Kili is still fast asleep and he decides to leave him be for now, looking so peaceful as he does. Kili needs to catch up on some sleep after all the nightly disturbances he had been having. He presses a chaste kiss on his love’s hair mouthing _love you_ , before he leaves the bedroom, closing the door behind him.

In the living room he picks up his mobile. There are messages from Fili and Dwalin, both confirming that they are happy to have a meal out tomorrow night and asking Thorin to confirm the time and place. He will have to ask Kili later where he wants to go and make a booking.

Then there are several answerphone messages from work and he listens through them one by one, taking notes as he does so before calling the office to talk to his PA and then to his Operations and finally his Finance Director.

“Are you okay, Thorin?” the latter asks. Thorin has known Gloin for years. They had worked together in a previous firm and Thorin had been delighted when he had accepted the director role when Thorin had set up his own firm. “You sound tired.”

“Hmm,” Thorin reluctantly acknowledges. He does not like the thought of his colleague thinking of him as anything but the strong leader he has always been. “A lot on my mind is all.”

“Why don’t you take some time out? And I mean properly out, not this half-hearted being out of the office but still taking calls and answering emails. Just get yourself away on a holiday. We will cope without you for a week or so. Just about.” Thorin can hear the smile in the other man’s voice.

“Maybe I will.” He has not had a holiday for years. In fact the last time he had been abroad was with his ex in a last attempt to ‘rescue’ their marriage, although Thorin had known from the outset no amount of white beaches and palm trees was going to fix that. But he had loved his wife - in his own way. And he had wanted them to have this one final memory together before he had torn apart their lives. It had mattered not - they had parted on the worst of terms and had not spoken since the divorce papers had come through. 

“I think you need to seriously think about it,” Gloin presses. “It will do you good. Now, have you got just ten minutes to run through the interim audit report with me?” And just as quickly Thorin falls back into the familiar discussions about work, with any thoughts of a holiday already vanished from his mind.

Time has run away with him whilst he had been making his calls and subsequently sorted through his emails. How had he ended up with nearly three hundred emails since yesterday? Are his people that incapable of making any decisions without his constant input? He is just in the middle of typing a heated response to someone questioning the procurement of a new IT package that he had been negotiating for months, when Kili appears in the doorway. Thorin draws in a deep breath at the sight. How does his lover look even hotter than he remembered from only an hour or so ago?

Kili has put on his jeans but his chest is still bare and his ruffled hair falls in untamed strands over his shoulders. He walks over to Thorin and kisses his mouth hungrily. The smell of their sex still hangs heavily around him.

“Shouldn’t you have a shower?” Thorin enquires.

“Are you suggesting I smell?” Kili bounces back as he looks for his cigarettes. He pointedly wiggles his butt at Thorin as he bends himself down to rummage through his bag which lies thrown in the corner. When he looks back he grins widely, “Cuz if you do then you must know that that is your fault.”

“I am aware of that,” Thorin smiles back.

“You were a bad boy, Thorin,” Kili wanders back up, rolling his cigarette as he stands by the table.

“I am aware of that too. I am sorry, Kili, I really am. I …”

“Don’t be sorry. Irony is that you're probably safer barebacking me than if you'd picked up some bloke in a pub. _Spartacus_ is a good establishment. We all have to have regular health checks under our contract. And I am always safe at work.”

“I am not worried about that,” Thorin replies. “I just shouldn’t have … without discussing it with you.”

“Well, I didn’t put up much of a fight, did I? And it was very nice.” Kili winks, licking his lips.

“It was.” Thorin lowers his gaze with an embarrassed smile.

Kili puts down his fag and walks up to stand behind Thorin. He pulls back the thick mane of his hair, gently combing his fingers through the wet strands, before he starts to pull them into a thick braid. “How about,” he says quietly, “I get myself checked over. Maybe we both should? And then we can just bin the rubbers for good?”

Thorin stills. Not because of that particular suggestion - Kili has impressed Thorin with his sensibility and responsibility. Thorin has never fallen into any particular risk group until now, but he feels it is only fair to give Kili the same reassurance in return rather than his say-so and has no issue with that whatsoever. However, what Kili implies …. “Are you saying that we'll be exclusive? That you ...?” The question dies on his tongue, afraid to push the matter again, remembering how Kili had flamed the last time they had attempted to discuss the subject.

Kili lets Thorin’s thick braid drop down onto his back, little cold droplets of water running down his shirt into the hollow of Thorin’s back. He pulls back the chair to take a seat next to Thorin and he carefully takes his lover's hand, noticing with regret how bruised it looks. “Thorin,” he whispers, watching his own thumb gently stroking over the back of his boyfriend’s hand, “I want to be with you. I need to get myself back on my feet and I need to think about what on earth I'm going to do instead with my life. But if you want us to be together too then yes, I will quit my job. I want to be a good boyfriend. Hey, I wouldn't like the thought of you sleeping with anyone else either so I can't expect that from you in return. And I don’t want to either. Not now that we … Will you help me?” He looks up.

“Thorin gently cups Kili’s face in his large hand. “Yes,” he whispers before pulling Kili’s lips against his. He strokes his thumb over the wet imprint left on Kili’s mouth. “I want us to be together and I will help you.”

Kili gently bites down on the thumb. “Thank you, angel. I will work really hard on getting better, I promise.”

“I know you will.”

Kili beams at the trust Thorin is showing on him. No-one has ever shown such a belief in his ability to turn his life around.

“So where do you want to go tomorrow night?” Thorin enquiries as Kili picks up his cigarette and lighter and moves his chair back. “Fili and Dwalin have both confirmed they will come. We can go anywhere you like. Maybe a nice restaurant in Maybourne?” It was one of the more expensive areas of the city where Thorin would often take business partners. There were some excellent restaurants there if you could afford to spend the cash.

Kili shrugs a little uncomfortably. “Wouldn’t mind just going to a country pub.” He hopes he doesn’t sound ungrateful or too common in Thorin’s eyes. “I have never been outside of the city before and some of the pubs around here, they look so cosy.”

Thorin smiles happily. “I think that is a wonderful idea!” He would not have minded spending a small fortune on the meal if Kili had wanted to, but he too thinks that going to one of the lovely old pubs in the area where they are staying will be a much nicer setting for all of them. “I will have a look online in a moment to see which ones are recommended and I will book for say seven? Did Ori want to come?”

“I will check my phone,” Kili replies. “Thanks, babe. You are very special, you know that.” And he walks off to have his cigarette, leaving Thorin with a deep warmth in the centre of his stomach. All the anxiety of earlier washed away in the deep love that he has for his boyfriend. _As are you_ , he whispers to himself as opens up Google to look for local pubs.

***

It had been a long while since he had seen Dwalin’s wife. She was a lovely lady, bubbly and kind. Thorin had always liked her and he had been sad to lose contact with her as much as Dwalin. “Angie,” he smiles warmly excepting her big-bosomed embrace. “So great to see you again.”

“And you, Thorin. You look good.” He really does, she thinks. Dwalin had been right. The last time they had seen Thorin he had looked gaunt and miserable, weighed down by worry and hurt. Now the old sparkle was back in his eyes. The three of them had known each other for years. They had gotten to know each other through their mutual love for music and had spent many good years together in their late twenties and early thirties.

“Angela, this is Kili,” Thorin introduces his boyfriend. How weird and yet how wonderful this feels, he thinks.

“Nice to meet you,” Kili sticks his hand out politely, but he too is pulled into a warm embrace by the bigger woman.

“And Ori,” Thorin smiles as the blond looks positively frightened to be the next in line to be pulled against Angie’s bosom. “Kili’s best friend.” They had picked Ori up first since the young man had no means of transport of his own. Thorin would call him a cab later to take him home safely.

As he and Dwalin hug, patting each other on the back, Thorin smiles, “Thanks for coming.”

“Thanks for inviting us. She was so excited to see you again.”

Thorin regrets having neglected his friendships so badly and makes a mental note to not make the same mistake twice. “What can I get you to drink?”

Kili is tapped on the shoulder as Angie is chatting away merrily to him and Ori, putting them quickly at ease. He turns around and looks into Fili’s bright blue eyes. “Brother!” More hugging quickly ensues, before Fili motioned to his wife. “Oh my god, Lyn!” Kili barely remembers his sister-in-law and he feels awful for it. Even their wedding day is a blur to him as he had been off his face, which had resulted in a lengthy period of angry silence between the brothers. “Congratulations!”

“Thank you, Kili. So good to see you again.” She gives him a warm smile before she awkwardly hugs him, her big belly being in the way between them.

“How many do you have in there?” Angela laughs as she embraces Lynette just as easily as she had anyone else.

“Just the one, I hope!”

After Fili too is squashed in a firm embrace, the women continue to chatter about due dates and pregnancy in general. Dwalin and Angela have two boys and a girl themselves so she knows what she is talking about.

Dwalin and Thorin have returned with drinks for the five of them and Fili happily accepts to get him and his wife a drink, which Thorin tells him to just put on the tab as they are led by the waiter to their reserved table.

As Kili looks around the table emotions threaten to overwhelm him. This is all so stupidly normal for so many people and yet he has never in his thirty years on this planet done this before. How are these people so kind to him? They don’t even know him and yet Dwalin and Angie talk to him like they have been best friends for years.

And Lyn, oh lovely Lyn… He feels himself choke up as she takes hold of his hand across the table. “We have missed you, Kili,” she smiles, not a trace of anger or disappointment in her voice. Just a genuine wish, “I really hope you and Fili can be friends again.” And she pats her belly. “Your little nephew or niece is so keen to meet their uncle Kili.”

Thorin watches Kili, seated across from him, and he can see the battle going on behind his eyes to try not to break down in tears. “And we are so eager to get to meet him or her too,” he answers on Kili’s behalf. “How long do you have left?”

“Only six weeks,” she smiles brightly. “I have finished work now.”

Kili listens with amazement as Thorin chats easily to his sister-in-law about the colours of the nursery, thinking how sweet and becoming this is.

Soon everyone is talking and laughing easily with one another. Angie is perfect company with her contagious laughter and easy chatter. And Dwalin has really clicked with Ori as they have found a common interest in collecting old vinyls and are comparing their collections. The food is fantastic and Kili does not think he has ever eaten anything as delicious as the immense steak and homemade chips that are put in front of him. By the time they get to puddings and Kili and Fili are both enjoying the warm sticky toffee pudding, whilst the women and Ori are tucking in to the apple pie and Thorin and Dwalin are just having a coffee, the atmosphere is just perfect.

Thorin smiles at Fili who is sat next to his brother. He can read the _thank you_ in the returned smile and he shakes his head. Fili has nothing to thank him for. He has only given Kili the means. His recovery has to be his and his alone. And they are not there yet.

***

When they get back home it is already gone midnight. The night has flown by and Kili is still wide awake from the elated excitement. Thorin pours the both of them a small glass of wine as they sink down on the sofa together.

“Did you have a nice evening?” he enquiries unnecessarily.

“The very best! I love Angie! And Lyn is so sweet. And it was so good to see Dwalin again. And I had such a good chat with Fili. And Ori seemed to have a really good time too.” Thorin just smiles as he listens to Kili prattle on about the food and the décor of the pub and he puts an arm around his lover.

“I had a lovely evening too, little flower,” he finally manages to get in. “We must do that more often.”

He really had had a fabulous evening. It had been great to meet up with his old friends again. And Fili and his wife were such lovely people. He hopes to god that things really will sort themselves out between Fili and Kili. And he feels a little flutter of excitement himself at the thought of Kili becoming an uncle. He must not get ahead of himself. But he dreams that when the time comes he too will still be part of that family picture.

***

That night Kili sleeps through soundly. But it is Thorin who wakes up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. He is surprised to find his hands balled into tight fists and it takes him far too much effort to relax them, wincing at the pained cramp. He tries to breathe through the anxiety left in the pit of his stomach as he recalls dreaming about beating his fists down onto another human being. And no matter how hard he squeezes his eyes shut the image will not go away.


	21. Changed Completely

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJaoui-FLPU

They stayed in the cottage for another week. It proved not to be the easiest week for either of them as they were both battling with their own demons as well as each other’s short fuses. On the day they both felt at their lowest their early romance bubble burst and they had a proper shouting match at each other -Thorin calling Kili a spoilt brat and that if he complained one more time about being bored and wanting his smoke he would personally put him by the side of the road with a for sale sign around his neck. Whilst Kili had screamed back that that was fine by him as he was sure to get a better offering that way and that he did need to be pampered by some executive wanker. They had both fallen about laughing once they had run out of insults, voice and steam and after their little domestic sparks had flown when they had decided to move their battle on to a more physical level in the bedroom.  Kili had grinned widely once he had pinned Thorin under him as he taught him expertly how to be submissive. And Thorin had proven himself to be a surprisingly willing pupil, readjusting the power balance between them.

***

By the end of the week Thorin feels utterly spend, both physically and emotionally.

They are packing up their belongings, ready to return to the city.

“Do you want to take this back with you?” Kili asks as he holds up the book that they had bought together. “I haven't quite finished it yet, but ...”

Thorin frowns at him as he realises he has forgotten to have this particular conversation out loud with Kili. There is no question in his mind what is going to happen now, but they had not actually agreed it between them. He knows he needs to learn to stop assuming Kili is on the same wavelength as him. It had been a character trait of his that had driven his ex-wife mad. _Whenever you have something in your head you always assume that everyone else will just follow. I'm not a bloody mind reader, Thorin, and maybe sometimes I have my own opinion!_ she had shouted at him on more than one occasion. And she had been right. He does often forget to discuss with the people around him what has already been decided in his head.

Thorin walks over to him and wraps his arms around Kili. “How about you finish reading it in bed tonight? After I've made you a nice meal in _our_ apartment?”

Kili narrows his eyes at him.

“Of course we'll have to stop on the way to have a copy of the front door key made for you. “ He looks deep into Kili's eye waiting for a reaction at the particularly unsubtle hints. It is not quite asking for Kili’s opinion, but it will have to do.

“You can be such an arrogant bastard sometimes,” Kili scowls. “So you are just assuming that I'll move in with you now?”

Thorin is not quite as confident as he is making out, but he has pulled his professional mask down, keeping a straight back and neutral face. “I am.” He hopes he has gauged Kili correctly. This will swing one of two ways. Either Kili will accept the proposal or he will blow up at him.

Kili grabs hold of his face in both hands as he draws Thorin in hard against his lips. “Fine. You are lucky I am so easy going,” he moans softly as he grinds himself up against his lover.

Thorin chuckles, “You have got to be referring to your aptitude between the sheets,” he teases, “as easy going would be the last thing I would describe you as, my little dynamite.”

Kili bites at Thorin’s lower lip. “And you would do well to remember you are not the boss of me, Thorin. Or I will have you wriggling and squealing like a girl underneath me again just to remind you.”

“Mmm… I might just need reminding tonight… So we’re agreed then?

“Yes, roomy,” Kili grins, grinding himself a little harder against his lover.

“Oi, stop teasing and get packing,” Thorin smiles, pushing Kili back in the direction of his bags. “The sooner we’re done here, the sooner you can have some of that.”

***

Being back in Thorin’s apartment feels weird. As soon as he sets foot on the plush carpet he is hit by a range of emotions. This is the place where they first made love to each other. But also the place that Kili had entered as an escort and left as something else. A raw form still, waiting to be rubbed down and polished into something better. But nonetheless this is where his new life had started.

Thorin feels the emotions running through his lover too and he cuddles him in his strong arms, kissing his shoulders and the base of his neck gently. “Welcome home, my love,” he whispers.

Kili blinks hard. _Home_. What a ridiculous notion it is that this expensive modern apartment is where he is going to live now. He knows he has fallen face first with his nose in the butter. Yet there is also an underlying anxiety. Kili has been his own man for so long. Living with Thorin for a few weeks has been wonderful. But moving in together permanently is a huge step. And the he is not quite sure yet he will take to relinquishing his freedom so easily. Still, he must not complain. But he will make sure that as soon as he has sorted himself another job that he contributes to the household bill. Under no circumstances does he want to be a kept boyfriend.

“First things first,” he smiles as he remembers their previous conversation here as he had taken in the surroundings. He pulls his phone from his pocket. “Selfie!” He snaps a few pictures as they cuddle, kiss and pull silly faces for the camera. “Now we can print some and put some personality into this place.” Thorin pulls him into a deeper embrace as Kili turns around to snog him deeply.

“This is nice,” he sighs when they pull apart. “Did you say you have a housekeeper?”

“Yes,” Thorin nods as he kicks off his shoes and sinks down onto the leather sofa. “She comes around twice a week. Why?”

“Will she have an issue? With _us_?”

Thorin frowns. “No, why?”

Kili shrugs. He is not used to this honest and open thing with Thorin, having spent his entire life being everyone’s dirty secret – the forbidden pleasure of his clients, the black sheep of his family. He cannot yet believe that Thorin is not going to hide him away in a cupboard every time his housekeeper turns up.

“Mind if I have a shower?” He well remembers the lusciously luxurious bathroom in Thorin’s apartment.

“This is your home now, flower. You do what you want. Do you want me to show you where everything is and how it all works?”

Kili just gives him a cheeky grins. “Mmm, I would very much like that…” and he winks at Thorin.

Thorin laughs hard. “Only one thing in your mind, you little minx!” And he slaps Kili’s behind as he guides him towards the bathroom. How can he possible resist his lover?

***

When he is drying himself off, humming with contentment, he can hear his phone ring. He darts towards the living room, leaving wet footprints on the carpet as he wraps the towel around his waist. He just misses the call as it has gone to answer machine but the number is still showing on his display as Dwalin’s and he returns the call after a few seconds when he thinks the line will be free again.

“Thorin!” Dwalin picks up merrily. “Just left you a message. Did you get it?”

“No sorry, I haven’t listened to it yet. Rang you straight back. Everything alright?”

“Yes, fine thanks. How are you?”

“Good. Just got back.”

“Ah so you’re back in your own place. Good. Now listen, I have spoken with my colleague. Oin his name is. He is a well renowned psychologist who specialises in post-traumatic stress and trauma management. His diary is pretty full, but he owes me a few favours and he has said he would be happy to give Kili an assessment and recommend a treatment plan for him. I have given him as much information as I know but obviously Kili will have to go through the details with him. If I text you his number do you want to give him a call?”

“Yes, brilliant. Thanks, Dwalin, I really appreciate it.”

Dwalin is quiet for a moment. “And Thorin…” he starts carefully. “I have hinted to him that he might want to see the both of you.”

“Oh?”

“You have things you need to deal with as well, my friend. Kili will need some one on one therapy, but some couple counselling is not a bad idea either. You may both need to learn to deal with each other’s baggage.”

Thorin snorts. “Great. We must be the first couple in history who _start_ their relationship in counselling!”

Dwalin laughs. “Sorry, it’s just my opinion as a therapist. You don’t have to. I am just putting it out there for you. This is not any old relationship you two have entered into and you know that full well, Thorin. Just think about it. I know what I am talking about. These things … well, they can just fester below the surface for too long. Kili might have buried his troubles under alcohol and drugs. But you have not really faced up to your demons either have you Mr working-all-hours-under-the-sun Chief Exec?”

As always Dwalin is dead honest with him and Thorin can hardly deny the truth in his words. “I’ll think about it. Send me the number and I will give the guy a call.”

When he puts the phone down Kili has wrapped himself around him again. “Who was that, sexy?” he breathes into his ear.

 “Dwalin. Come sit with me, Kili.” He walks over to the sofa and pats the seat next to him.

“Oh dear, this sounds serious…”

“Well, I suppose it is. Dwalin has found someone who he thinks can help you to deal with your traumas. He is very good by the sounds of it. I will be more than happy to pay for you to have such support. But you will have to want to do it. I won’t force you, but I do think you will need some form of support. More than what I can offer you.”

Kili sighs. “Hm, I guess.”

Thorin strokes his hand against his cheek as he turns him to face him. “Kili, you have been hurt. You have been hurt very badly in the past. You may feel okay now. But you should really take this opportunity to deal with those things and not just bury them.” He takes Kili’s hand and places a kiss on the back of it. “I know. I have my own demons too.”

Kili looks up in surprise. “Your brother…” Kili recalls that Thorin had mentioned that his brother had killed himself when he was just a teenager.

“Yes, that and other things.”

“Oh?” Kili realises he has been pretty selfish in the amount of attention he has been demanding these last few weeks. Everything and everyone has been pretty much focused on him. He actually knows very little about Thorin. “You … want to talk about it?”

“Well, Dwalin suggested that maybe we should both go and see this guy he’s recommended. As we both have things we need to learn to deal with and give a place.”

“I see. Well, if you think that this is what we should do. What you should do too. I am fine with it. I mean it is not something I am excited about. But I guess neither are you. But I am sure it will be the right thing to do.”

Thorin gives him a kiss on the cheek as he stands up to get dressed, a chill creeping in to him now as his wet hair moves against his skin. He regrets that he cannot talk to Kili just yet. It is weird; he had opened up so easily to Kili’s brother. But then again, Fili had been a stranger then. Whereas Kili … he is his lover, the one he shares his most intimate moments with. And although he will share the hauntings of his past with him at some point, he does not yet want to spoil anything that is so precious between them with his own darkness. He is much better at listening to other people’s problems and offering hands full of advice than facing his own troubles.

***

Saturday becomes Sunday and their first day living together has been enjoyable. Kili has settled in easily and on Sunday morning, after they have had a lazy lie in, he is prancing around in the kitchen, having dragged almost every pan out of the cupboards, whilst loudly singing along to Caro Emerald as he wriggles his hips.

_I recall the days that I was single_

_Used to flirt, fool around and mingle_

_And you came along_

_And suddenly it changed completely_

 Thorin flicks through the Sunday morning paper as he sips his coffee, occasionally looking up at Kili and smiling at his boundless energy.

“Smells good, flower,” he comments as the smell of bacon and eggs wafts towards him.

Kili beams and as he leave the food to fry in the pan for a moment, he pulls Thorin off the barstool and into a jiggle around the kitchen.

“No!” Thorin cries out. “I don’t do dancing!”

But Kili just laughs as he continues to wriggle himself around, pulling Thorin with him, before planting him back on his seat as he returns his attention to their brunch. “Everyone can dance,” he laughs. “You just need to lighten up.” And he picks up the next verse as he steers his spatula around the pan, winking at Thorin.

_I’m always with you baby, wherever you are!_

 

  _If I’m alone_

_I still feel protected_

_By your love_

_It’s never misdirected_

_When you came along,_

_I’m happy my life changed_

_Completely_

He plonks a greasy plate of English breakfast on the breakfast bar in front of Thorin.

_I’m talking to you_

_You filled up my heart_

_And I know that I changed completely_

 

Placing a kiss on Thorin’s cheek, he sits himself down behind his own plate.

 “ _You_ are having breakfast?” Thorin raises an eyebrow.

 “Well, it is nearly midday, sexy,” Kili smiles as he tucks into his food. “But yes, I thought I’d try these ways of yours.” They eat in silence for a moment. “Say, will you drop me off at the club later?” Kili enquires. “I want to hand in my resignation in person. Say goodbye to people and all that. It opens at one on a Sunday as there is a strip show on in the afternoon. You can come and watch if you want?”

 Thorin blushes. “That’s okay.” He does not feel that comfortable with the idea of watching Kili’s friends strip before him on stage. He is committed to Kili now and furthermore he might well see these people outside their work environment if Kili decides to stay in touch. He would rather not have to picture them with their clothes around their ankles. “I’ll drop you off and then I will pop into town and get a few things. Do you want me to pick you up again after? We can drive by your place and pick up whatever you need?”

 

***

It feels strange walking back into the club knowing that he will not be working here anymore.

 “Kili!” Balin calls out as soon as he walks through the door. “You are back!”

 Kili embraces the older man. “Sort of. Only to say that I am not coming back.”

 Balin smiles at him as he squeezes his arms. “It’s the tall guy isn’t it?”

 Kili nods with a broad smile.

 “Don’t tell the boss that. You know you will be in trouble for dating clients. So what are you going to do now?”

 “Not sure yet. Thorin has promised he will help me find something. Help me with my CV and stuff. Just trying to sort things out now. This is all so crazy, Balin. It has all gone so quick that I am feeling a little dizzy with it all.”

 “Ah lad, don’t worry. You have always managed to land on your feet. And you look happy. Do you love him?”

 Kili nods eagerly. “A lot!” he beams.

 “Then that is all that matters, laddie. Say, you will not forget your old friends will you? Will you come and visit us?”

 “Of course I will! Are Ori and Legolas in today?”

 “Ori is at the back. Legolas is on stage. Will you stay and watch?”

 “Maybe just for a little while,” Kili winks. “Unless he boots me out onto the street once I have handed in my resignation.”

 Kili pushes open the blacked out doors, breathing in the familiar smell of the club. The slightly overpowering perfume that lingers in the air. The undertone of spilled drinks and muskiness. He grins at Legolas who catches his eye for just a second, before he returns his attention to his job. And Kili thinks how much he will miss him. Even if he stays in touch their worlds are going to be lightyears apart from now on. Maybe Legolas does not even want to stay in touch with someone who has sold out to him. If he does not catch him before he leaves he will have to send him a text later.

 He walks past the stage through the _no admittance_ doors at the back. As he climbs the stairs to Thranduil’s office he is a little apprehensive. The man does not show his face much around the place, but when he does his icy gaze is enough to make anyone freeze on the spot.

 He knocks on the door and enters when he is called in. Thranduil is leant back in his leather chair, his feet casually on the desk. He beckons Kili but does not make any attempt to move himself.

 “Well, look who it is,” he smiles coldly. “My little brown eyes who had gone AWOL.”

 “Not AWOL, sir. I phoned in sick. Or at least my brother did on my behalf.”

 Thranduil snorts and waves his sleek hand. “Details. Where have you been?”

 Kili ignores the question. That is none of the silverblond’s business. “I came to hand in my resignation.” He places the envelope with the letter that Thorin had helped him write on the desk.

 Thranduil looks at it and then back up at Kili, without opening it. “I see. Which club?”

 Kili shakes his head. “I am leaving the business altogether.”

Thranduil raises his heavy eyebrows at him. And then he laughs. “Really now? I can just see you flipping burgers at some greasy snackbar. Well, take your stuff and leave then. You are mistaken if you think I am begging you to stay or offer you a rise.”

 Kili tries not to smirk. “And you are mistaken if you think I want you to do that. All the best, Thranduil. This has not been a bad place to work. Look after my friends, will you.” And he holds out his hand to say goodbye.

His now ex-boss waves a hand to indicate that he is dismissed. Kili shrugs his shoulders and leaves. The man is an asshole, but still he is one of the better ones in the scene. He has always been a fair employer in Kili’s eyes. Kili will just have to wait and see what the real world is like.

 

***

“Oh my god, you are really leaving?!” Ori cries out. “That’s …,” he sighs. He will miss his companion so much. But it is wonderful news for Kili. There are not many of them who ever get offered a ticket out. “That is great news.”

 “I will miss you,” Kili says genuinely. “We’ll keep in touch though! And you must come round for dinner. You won’t believe this place I live now.”

 “Oh, so you have moved in with him?”

 “Yep. It’s right up the posh end of town, you know those old houses that they converted into those hypermodern apartments?”

“No way!”

 “Yes way. It all feels weird though. So much is changing in such a short space of time. I have no idea what I am going to be doing next. But hey, anything’s got to be better than this!” He regrets saying it immediately. Ori is not leaving this place. He will still be doing _this_. Night after night. “I mean…”

 “You don’t have to explain,” Ori smiles a little sadly. “Hey, I am happy for you. And you know this place ain’t all bad. Got Balin looking after me, right? And there is this new kid who started last week. Gimli his name is. Another redhead!”

 “No competition for you, I am sure,” Kili grins as he ruffles through the shorter man’s hair. “Just look after yourself okay.” They hug each other tightly. “I will give you a call later in the week and we can agree to meet up somewhere.”

 “Alright, Kili. And thanks for everything. You have been a great friend. You wanna have a smoke before you leave?”

 Kili shakes his head. “Nah, I’m trying to quit.”

“Well, good luck. We’ll speak soon.”

 

***

 

He waves his hand at Legolas without looking at him. His friend is still on stage so Kili won’t be able to say goodbye. On his way out he says his farewells to Balin one last time. Unless he comes back to the club it is unlikely he will see the older man again.

 “Thank you for looking after me all these years.” Kili is actually starting to well up and releases the embrace before he starts to blub.

 “Not at all, lad, not at all. You look after yourself. Be happy.”

 Kili nods and pushes the black and purple doors to the club open one last time. As they fall shut behind him it feels like someone has literally shut the door on a chapter in his life.

 He takes a deep intake of breath, trying to still his mixed emotions. Then he walks over into Thorin’s embrace.

 “Okay, flower?”

 “Yeah,” Kili sighs. “Let’s go and scoop up the last remnants of my old life.” And he gets into Thorin’s Maserati, once again marvelling how his life has changed completely from living below the threshold of civilisation to mingling with the top of society in less than a month.


	22. Shadows of the Past

As he opens the door to his apartment a wonderful smell drifts into his nose and he can feel his stomach rumble.

“Thorin!” he can hear Kili cry out and only moments later the brunet flies around the corner and into his arms. “So glad you’re home!”

Thorin accepts the warm kiss on his lips and thinks how wonderful it is to come home to someone rather than to an empty apartment. “You okay?”

“Yes. Missed you.”

Thorin smiles and starts to take off his coat as soon as Kili has released him. “Missed you too, flower. Something smells very good.”

“Don’t get too excited. It’s only lasagne. Hope you like it.” He follows Thorin back into the open plan kitchen and living room. “I did buy us a bottle of wine. Would you like a glass?”

“I’d love one, sweetheart.” Thorin sinks down onto the sofa and happily accepts the glass that Kili has poured him.

“So how was your day?” Kili enquires as he sits next to Thorin.

“Alright. Mainly meetings. Catching up on emails. The usual. The new business seems to be going well though. And …” he smiles at his lover, “I spoke with the Business Development Manager. If you still want to, he is happy to have a chat with you this week and see if he has a position for you.”

Kili swallows hard. “Cool. Thank you,” he lowers his head.

“You don’t have to, sweet. It’s just an option…”

“No, it’s not that. Just the thought of turning up to your office, being interviewed by one of your managers… I’m scared stiff.”

Thorin softly strokes his cheek. “Don’t worry. You will be absolutely fine. I will brief you as we discussed and you will do great. And it’s at the other office, not my main one. It’s a separate business really, so you don’t have to feel too stifled by me.”

“Oh I never do, sexy. I just don’t want to let you down. I will probably suck at the interview. Please don’t have too high hopes for me.”

“That’s tough, because I do. Because I know you can do it and you just need to have a little confidence in yourself. And you know what they always say when you are nervous in an interview…”

“No? What?”

Thorin laughs. “No, I guess you don’t. They say that you should picture the interviewer naked.”

Kili grimaces, “No thanks. Seen enough businessmen without their clothes on, thank you. And I might just forget what sort of job I am being interviewed for!”

They giggle together, laughing at the unusual situation that they find themselves in.

“So what have you been up to today?” Thorin enquires.

“Well, I started writing my CV with the things that you suggested.”

They had sat down the previous night to look at what Kili could put on his CV. It had to be a bit of a freeform, it could not be helped. Kili would not get a job having nothing but years of sex work experience. They would try and put his actual skills in _– takes great pride in customer care, excellent communication skills, can-do attitude,_ and they had laughed at the _attention to detail_ one – but it would have to written as if demonstrated in an environment that did not involve sucking cock. Dwalin thankfully had offered to be a reference. Thorin had hated asking his friend to lie, but Dwalin had brushed his concerns aside. “He’s not going to have a chance if we don’t do this,” he had agreed. “It’s not his fault, it’s the world we live in.”

“How did you get on? Can I have a look later,” Thorin asks carefully, not wishing to sound too pushy.

“Sure. You will probably think it’s crap, but I did try really hard.”

Thorin puts his glass down and takes Kili’s hand in his. “My lovely one, will you please stop putting yourself down all the time. It is not going to be _crap_. You are capable of so much more than what you think.”

Kili shrugs. “Maybe. We’ll just have to see, won’t we.”

He is nowhere near as confident as Thorin seems to be that he can do this. He has never before made a success of his life and even with Thorin’s help, the man is not going to be able to sit and hold his hand when he actually needs to deliver. He has no diploma, no work experience other than you-know-what. In Thorin’s eyes everything seems possible if you put your mind to it and that attitude is probably what got him to where he is. But Kili is not him. And his world has only ever consisted of failure. Although Thorin’s belief in his abilities is sweet and flattering, it is making him nervous at the same time. He feels like he can only disappoint him.

He is startled out of his concerns as the beeper on the oven goes off. “Dinner!” He jumps up, grinning. He does not want to end up being a house husband. But for the moment, cooking for Thorin and having dinner ready for him when he comes home after a long day’s work feels stupidly homely and romantic.

He proudly serves the steaming plates at the dinner table and Thorin pulls him in for a kiss. “You are an angel,” Thorin beams. “Thank you so much for this.”

“Hardly. I have been sat on my backside all day so this is the least I could do whilst you provide for me.”

“I don’t provide for you. We provide for each other, sweetpea.”

They tuck in to the pasta dish.

“Mm, this is delicious, babe! Much better than the grub I manage to put together.”

Kili beams. “Thanks, glad you approve.” He takes another bite of the ciabatta bread that he has just dipped in the olive oil.

“There is an office party this Friday. I probably should show my face even if it is only for an hour. It’s to celebrate a new contract that we have won. I was wondering… … would you like to come along with me? As my partner?”

Kili looks at him with astonishment. “Really? Are you sure?”

“Yes of course! If you don’t mind. It will probably be boring. But there will be food and drinks. And my colleagues are really nice.” He pulls Kili’s face towards him, brushing against his lips. “Plus I can’t wait to show you off,” he winks.

Kili feels himself blush. He cannot believe Thorin is so keen to announce their relationship to the world. On the one hand he feels elated and he loves him so much for it. On the other he is really worried. Meeting Thorin’s friends was one thing. Meeting his business colleagues will be quite another. He does not want to disappoint or embarrass Thorin. And he just cannot get over Thorin being so frank about _them_. Regardless of how they started off together, even if they had met in a pub, they are a gay couple with an ten years plus age gap between them.  And he is worried that not everyone will be so easily accepting of them as Thorin seems to think. But then again, maybe he has only ever seen the drags of society. Maybe in Thorin’s world people really are more civilized than that.

***

“You look great, flower,” Thorin smiles.

They had bought the suit and shirt in the late night shopping on Wednesday night and the next morning Kili feels like he is going to a funeral. He has unsuccessfully attempted to tie his tie and in the end he has had to give up and let Thorin do it for him. Now he is staring at himself in the mirror and he just feels … odd. The suit is beautiful, a dark brown with a cream shirt and auburn tie. It does look smart but it is just not him. Somehow he has managed to tie most of his hair back into a ponytail and he has tidied up his stubble a little. But he still thinks he looks like a kid in his dad’s clothes. “Really? You are not just saying that to make me feel good?”

Thorin kisses him hungrily. “If it wouldn’t make you late for your interview I would rip that suit right off you,” he groans softly. “That is how hot I think you look.”

Kili is satisfied with that. Hot is good. He can do hot. And if Thorin thinks he looks sexy in this then he feels he can carry it off. “Thanks. And if I don’t get this job you can have a go at ripping this off me,” he winks.

Thorin scowls at him. “You promised! No more of this self-doubt. Or I will have to punish you for it.”

Kili grins, but it just earns him a slap on the ass.

“Now, let’s go. I will drop you off as agreed and then I’ll go on to my other office. You got your keys?”

 “Yes love,” Kili jangles his new house keys. “And my wallet. I am a big boy, you know!”

  
Thorin grins a dirty smile at him, “Oh, I know…”

 

***

He receives a text an hour or so later.

_Think it went okay. John is really nice. He seemed to like what I said. Said he’d speak to you. Wanna do lunch?_

_Got a meeting at 12. Can nip out now for a coffee?_

_Cool. Meet me here?_

_K. 15 min. x_

Fourteen minutes later he drives passed his other office and spots Kili smoking on the pavement, chatting to a small group of other smokers. He knows Kili has seen him and he drives and parks just around the corner, waiting for Kili to meet him. He enjoyed seeing Kili chatting to what might be his future colleagues and he wants to give him the opportunity to be himself, not the boss’ boyfriend. If he gets the job it will be because he has interviewed well and because John sees potential in him, not because he is sleeping with Thorin. But he knows how these things will look and it would not be fair on Kili and definitely not good for his self-esteem. There could not be anything worse than Kili thinking he only got this job because Thorin thought he was a good fuck; that was exactly what they needed to move away from. Momentarily he regrets even getting Kili the interview. Maybe it would be better if Kili worked somewhere completely independent from him.

“Hello, handsome!” the passenger door is yanked open and Kili flops down into the seat. They exchange a kiss and Thorin pulls a face at the strong taste of tobacco on Kili’s lips. “Sorry, sexy, I will quit.”

“It’s okay,” Thorin smiles. He puts his car in gear and moves back into traffic. “So you think it went alright then?”

“Yeah I think so. It’s hard to say, isn’t it. I guess John will make everyone feel like you are okay during the interview.”

Thorin laughs. “I wouldn’t be so sure of that. He has quite a reputation. Made someone cry in an interview once. He can be quite a difficult one to please at times. So if you think he seemed happy with you then you probably did well. Did he say when you will hear?”

“He said he’d speak to you first. And then he’d call me on Monday. Apparently he is seeing another couple of people this afternoon and tomorrow morning.” Kili smiles. “Which is good, because at least it is real competition right? So if I get the job it’s because he thinks I can actually do it and not because you like me?”

Thorin smiles broadly. “Exactly, my flower.” And he takes Kili’s hand and presses a soft kiss on it. “I’m proud of you.”

***

Kili is a bundle of nerves as they pull into the staff car park on Friday night. “Are you really sure?” he asks for the tenth time. “I don’t mind having a night on my own, you know.”

Thorin sighs. He is slowly losing his patience with Kili’s fretting, but equally he can understand his nerves. This must be so new to him. And if he’s honest he is a little nervous himself too. “Sweetheart,” he says as he takes both Kili’s hands in his before they get out of the car. “If you don[t want to do this, then we can go back home. Just say so and I will turn around and we’ll have a quiet night in.”

Kili shakes his head. “Sorry, I am being silly. I should be honoured that you want me at your side and I am, really. Just… don’t want to fuck this up. Don’t want to embarrass you.”

“You won’t,” Thorin kisses him on the lips and strokes his hand over his cheeks, pushing the strands of hair behind his ear. “You look gorgeous and I love you.” Kili gently smiles back. “Ready then?” Kili nods and the both get out of the car.

The office party is being held in the canteen on the premises and is in full swing. It’s a much bigger group of people than Kili had expected and that he finds quite reassuring. At least they can just get swallowed up in the crowd of rather than have a handful of people stare at them.

He follows Thorin closely into the room. As soon as people spot the CEO they come up to Thorin and start to shake hands, offering their congratulations on the successful bid. Thorin gratefully accepts them and then makes sure to introduce every single person who comes up to him to Kili. There is no way that he will be able to remember anyone’s name. He has already forgotten the first after he has shaken hands with the eighth. But it does not matter. These people are all incredibly friendly towards him and no-one seems to even raise an eyebrow at Thorin introducing him as his partner. Ever so slowly Kili is starting to relax.

Thorin gets them both a drink at the bar and they join a small group of well-dressed gentlemen and women who look around Thorin’s age and perhaps a little older. Thorin introduces them to Kili with their names and titles and Kili understand that these must be Thorin’s board members – the crème-de-la-crème of Oakenshield Investments Plc. Soon the conversation turns to all sorts of technical terms that mean nothing to Kili. And after a few minutes of smiling politely when anyone looks at him and doing his best to look interested, he is starting to shuffle his feet.

Thorin notices that his lover is beginning to get bored and he puts an arm around him. “You don’t have to stand here listen to us jabber on about work stuff. Go and get yourself some nibbles if you want. Or do you want to leave?”

Kili shakes his head. “No it’s fine. If that’s okay I will just have a wander. Chat to some people. I’ll be fine.” He chats to strangers easily enough. He had to in his job.

Thorin gives him a kiss on the cheek and Kili disappears towards the food area.

***

It’s getting late and Thorin is getting tired. It has been a few hours since he last saw Kili so he guesses his lover must be having a good time. He walks around the canteen, looking for a sign of the brunet. But after a few rounds he still has not spotted him.

“You looking for the guy who you came with?” one of his senior managers enquires. Thorin nods. “Last time I saw him he said he was going to have a smoke. I pointed him towards the back door. About fifteen minutes or so ago.”

Of course! “Thanks, James.”

He walks over to the rear exit where there is a little smoking area.

 “Kee?” he calls out as he pushes the back door open. Two lads from the IT department nod to him. “Evening. Have you seen a guy with longish brown hair? In his thirties.” They shake their head. “No worries, thanks.”

 Thorin feels a little flutter of worry in his stomach. Kili is probably just having a chat with some people and he has just missed him. He makes another round around the perimeter of the room. Without success. The place is plenty big and busy but not so much so that he cannot find someone in it after a third full scan of the room. Worry is creeping into his stomach now. Of course Kili can look after himself but he also has a knack for getting himself into trouble.

 Just in case they have just crossed each other somehow and Kili is just answering nature’s call he checks in on the gents. The urinal area is empty.

 However, as he is about to turn and leave he can hear a retching sound. He freezes and turns back, staring at the closed door of one of the cubicles. “Kee?” he whispers very softly, thinking – hoping - it is someone else who probably does not want to be disturbed by the CEO as they are emptying their stomach content.

 “Thorin?” a quiet reply comes.

 Thorin’s heart skips a beat. “Kili? Kili, what’s’ wrong? Are you okay? Please open the door.” He bangs on the closed door.

 The cubicle door is thrown open and Kili stumbles into his arms, shaking like a leaf.

 “Oh my sweet.”

 “Please can we go home now. Please Thorin.”

 “Yes of course. I am tired too, I was just looking for you to ask if you were ready to leave.” He looks closely at Kili. His eyes are red and puffy. “Were you being sick, flower?” he asks gently, wiping his thumb across his cheekbone.  “Did you drink too much?”

 Suddenly Kili starts to hyperventilate and then he sags into Thorin’s arms.

 “Shit, Kee, what’s going on? You … you haven’t taken anything have you?” he hates to be so suspicious of Kili’s drug use, but with this odd behaviour what else is he supposed to think.

 “No!” Kili screams suddenly at him, pushing hard at Thorin’s chest in frustration. “Why do you always think that I have done something stupid?! I am not a child!”

 “I don’t, my sweet. Just … Then tell me. Please. Did you eat something that didn’t agree with you?”

 Kili stares at him with huge scared eyes, shaking and drawing in short breathes again.

 “Oh sweetheart,” Thorin tries to sooth him, dragging him close against him and caressing his back. “Hush, it’s okay, I’m here.” When Kili starts to calm down a little, he pushes him away a little and cups his face in his hands. “Let’s go home then if you’re not feeling well.”

 Kili nods hard. “Please. S…sorry”

 “Don’t be, I wanted to go home anyway,” Thorin soothes again. “Come, we can leave through the side door, so no-one has to see. Okay?”

 He puts his arm protectively around his sweetheart and guides him out of the tiled room. The toilet block is just off the hallway, so they don’t need to go back through the canteen and face anyone. Thorin steers Kili through the halls towards another exit. Moments later they are outside in the main car park and Thorin bleeps the key to his Merc. He pulls the passenger door open and helps Kili inside before he walks round to the driver’s side and takes his place behind the wheel.

 He puts the key in the ignition but does not yet start the car. He looks over to Kili who looks deathly pale, his breathing still hitched and shallow as his profile moves shakily in the moonlight. Then a soft sob escapes his lips.

 “Oh darling, don’t be upset, nothing to be embarrassed about.” Thorin says softly, stroking Kili’s hand. It is trembling violently under his. This is not normal. This is not the reaction of someone who has either eating or drunk something that has upset their stomach. There has got to be more to this. “Kili, I am so confused. I thought you were having a nice evening. Did something happen? Has anyone said something that upset you?”

 Suddenly Kili goes very very still under his touch and slowly turns his head. Thorin feels a chill creep down his spine as he just picks up on the hollow look in Kili’s eyes. “This guy…” he mumbles, then looks away again.

 “What? What guy, Kili? What happened? Talk to me!”

 “I don’t know his name. Brown longish hair, greasy looking. Little moustache. He stands hunched.”

“Alfrid?”

 “I told you, I don’t know his name.”

 “Okay… I think that is who you are referring to… Why, what did he say?”

 “How well do you know him?” Kili whispers, starting to shake again.

 Thorin raises a surprised eyebrow. “Ehm… not very well. He’s in sales. Has been with the company for years. I don’t really know him personally. Why?”

Kili is just staring into nothing, his eyes glazed over.

“Kili?”

“I know him,” he suddenly growls softly.

“Oh?” Then a horrible realisation dawns on Thorin. “Oh! You mean…”

Kili gives a curt nod. “Yes, he was a client. A very frequent one.” He could see how hard Kili’s jawline is set. “Not at _Spartacus_. It was way before that.” He turns his head back to Thorin now. “He’s not a nice man. He used to … make me do things I did not want to do… “

Thorin feels so guilty for putting Kili in this situation, even though he would have had no idea. “Oh sweetheart,” he soothes. “I am so sorry. Why didn’t you come and find me? We could have left straight away.”

Kili briskly shakes his head. “It was okay, I just ignored him. I could see he had recognised me too, but I just pretended I had not seen him as I was talking to some other people. But then….” He sighs, lowering his head. “I went to have a pee. And just as I was about to wrap it all back up, he came in. And …”

Thorin’s hands have gone ice-cold and his mouth feels horribly dry. “And what, Kili?” he urges.

“He touched me…” Kili whispers.

“What?! “ Thorin almost hits the roof of his car as he jumps upright. No. No, this cannot be happening. His lover has just been assaulted by one of his members of staff?!

“He pushed me against the wall, then tried to push me into one of the cubicles. He said he had been wondering where I had disappeared to. I managed to push him out of the cubicle and I locked the door.”

Thorin feels like he has turned to stone. Like someone has hit him around the face with a baseball bat. He doesn’t know what to do or say. His hands are balled into fists and his temples are throbbing.

“I’m sorry, Thorin,” Kili cries softly now.  

“Why? Why the hell are _you_ sorry?!” He did not mean to shout. This is all too much. “Oh my god, Kili, I am so sorry.”

Kili shrugs. They are silent for just a moment. Then Thorin turns on his phone.

“What are you doing?”

“Calling the police.”

“What?! No! What for?!”

“You have just been sexually assaulted. I am reporting this.”

But Kili grabs the phone out of its holder. “Don’t be ridiculous, Thorin. It’s done. I will get over it.”

“You cannot be serious! We are not letting someone get away with that! People cannot just go around and touch and threaten you. You of all people should know that!”

Kili narrows his eyes angrily at him. “Stop it, Thorin!” he shouts back. “I do know that! I am not an idiot. I have spent the last sixteen years of my life being sexually assaulted in case you had forgotten! And ringing the police is going to do fuck all! It is his word against mine. And he will ruin you, Thorin. As I locked him out he shouted to me if I told anyone what he had done that he would tell your entire company that your boyfriend is a hooker. I will not let him destroy everything you have worked for, Thorin.”

“Then what will you have me do? I am not going to let this guy get away with this.”

Kili stares hard at him. “If you call the police I will deny everything,” he says defiantly. “There is no point. I suggest you just drop this. I should not have told you. I just wanted a hug, not you going off on a witch hunt. Now please can we go home?!”


	23. Mixed Emotions

He cannot sleep. Looking over to Kili’s features once more, softened in the dusky half-light, he is amazed yet grateful that his beautiful boyfriend had managed to drift off relatively easily. But three o’clock had come, followed by four and at five o’clock Thorin resigns himself to the fact that sleep is not going to come to him this night. Carefully, quietly, he slides out of the bed, making sure not to wake Kili. He pulls on some comfy trousers and wraps himself in his dressing gown before he leaves their bedroom, softly closing the door behind him.

He stares blankly at the Dulce Gusto machine as it prattles into life, pouring a smooth cortado in the cup underneath. The sound seems muffled to him. The world seems hazy as he thinks back to last night. He is not quite sure which bit hurts the most – all of it seems to stab at his heart with equal ferocity. The fact that he had placed Kili is that situation; not intentionally so but in hindsight he was angry with himself that he had not even considered the possibility that Kili might bump into an old client. He had been arrogant and naïve, forgetting temporarily what Kili had done all his life and that he was not the only executive who had paid for his services. No matter how sickening the thought, it was the truth.

How someone in his own company has had the blatant audacity to think that just because once upon a time he had been able to purchase Kili’s services, he could now go up to him and violate him. How the hell did this guy think he would get away with that? It didn’t even matter that Kili was his boyfriend. No-one in his company should assault anyone else on his premises! But it wouldn’t have been anyone else. The only reason why Alfrid must have thought he could get away with it, was because _A_ – he knew Kili and he knew how vulnerable he was and; _B **–**_ he thought he had a hold on him by threatening to ruin Thorin’s career if Kili spoke out about it.

That probably was the bit that hurt the most. That Kili was trying to protect _him._ That he was not going to press charges, that he was just going to accept his fate in order to prevent Thorin’s good name being soiled. But that was ridiculous. Did Kili really think that he was just going to let this go? How could he? If nothing else he had a duty of care as an employer. He could not let the accusation of such a serious matter that had taken place under his watch go unpunished. And personally he wanted to gut the man for touching his beloved. He could feel that rage boil up inside him again. That side of him that scared him to death. He could picture in his mind’s eye what he wanted to do to the guy and it wasn’t pretty. And all of a sudden he could understand how normal citizens could turn to homicide to defend their loved ones.

 _Sixteen years_ , Kili had said. It had been thrown casually into their argument, but had not escaped Thorin’s sharp mind. That meant he was only fourteen when he had first been raped and forced into prostitution. “My poor baby,” Thorin whispers to himself. An intense sadness combined with that raging anger fight for dominance inside him. How can people be so deprived? How can anyone do that to a child? And how can Kili still be the bubbly, loving man that now holds his hand when they are together after all the abuse he has suffered?

He takes his coffee and sits himself down at the breakfast bar. He needs to finish a paper and since he is awake and on edge he might as well do it now. Anyone else might think he is nuts, but it soothes him. Work is easy. Work means control.

As his laptop spring into life and he opens up his emails, his eye falls immediately on one from John.

_Thorin,_

_Hope you are well. I tried to ring you, but you were engaged. Give me a call today (Sat) if you can. Was impressed by Kili and think I might have something for him. Just want to hear your thoughts._

_Regards,_

_John_

Thorin angrily slams the screen down. Fuck! This is supposed to be wonderful news for Kili and yet now that has been tainted by this piece of shit. Kili is unlikely to want to accept the job now if it’s offered to him. Thorin thinks he wouldn’t if that was him. Even if it is a different company on different premises. He doesn’t know what to do or say now. He will have to speak to Kili first before he rings John back. “Damn it!” he hisses angrily.

He checks his watch. Just gone six. Too early to phone anyone just yet. But he knows what to do now. He will speak to Elrond as soon as he thinks it is a reasonable time to call his HR Director on a Saturday. He will explain that an incident took place at the office party last night involving a member of staff and they will have to take it from there. He doesn’t care how the outcome is achieved, but that scum will not have a job come Monday. For his own sake is much as anyone else’s because if Thorin sees him he will personally castrate him.

He paces for a while, then sits back down behind his laptop again and starts to write the paper he originally set out to finish. As he focuses his mind on the challenges set out in the business case he feels himself starting to calm down.

***

“Morning,” Kili says groggily. He walks up and places a kiss on Thorin’s lips. “You’re up early.”

“Could not sleep,” Thorin acknowledges.

“Jesus, are you working already?!” Kili observes as he glances over at the screen.

“This is my cigarette,” Thorin nods. “My nicotine fix.”

“Right…” Kili laughs. “Well, if you don’t mind I will go and suck at some real nicotine instead. You weirdo.”

Thorin is surprised and relieved that Kili seems okay. It is sad really. Any other person would be in pieces after such an encounter. Yet Kili just takes it in his stride, accepting it as he has accepted all the other horrors in his life.

When he comes back in Thorin has closed down his document and made Kili a coffee.

“Are you okay?” he carefully enquires.

“Yes, fine.  You?”

Thorin frowns. “No. No, I’m not okay. I am fuming that someone in my company dared to lay their hands on you yesterday!”

Kili massages his shoulders and places a kiss on his neck. “Forget it, Thorin. I honestly made a bigger deal of it than it was. I was just shocked is all. But the man is a total loser.”

Thorin shakes his head and then pulls Kili against him. “No Kili. It is not acceptable. Even if he had not touched you, he threatened you. That cannot happen. Not to you, not to anyone. I am going to have to sack him. You understand that don’t you?”

Kili pales. “Can’t you just let it pass?”

“No! Kili, my love, why would I let someone get away with something like that?”

His lover shrugs.

“What are you afraid of, my sweet?”

Kili takes a deep breath. “I don’t know. I just … Just be careful. These people… They probably come across all quiet and normal at work. But they are nasty, Thorin. They know how to hurt people. He … used to hurt me. Purposefully. Used to enjoy humiliating me. I know you have to take action. And of course I don’t just want him to get away with what he did. But I am worried that whatever you do will only make matters worse.”

“It won’t.”

“You don’t know that,” Kili sighs. “A friend of mine. He got raped once. I know it probably sounds crazy doing what I used to do, but if you don’t want to have sex, even if someone has paid you for it… it is still rape right?”

Thorin nods. “Yes, I fully agree.”

“Well, _you_ might … He tried to report it. Said the guy had paid him for oral, but then he had forced him into anal. My friend had not wanted to. So he reported it. To his boss first. That got him fired. Then to the police. They just laughed at him, told him that if he chose to be a whore then what did he expect. They took no action, just sent him away. Didn’t even take a report. He hang himself over it, Thorin. Did not want to live a life in which it was acceptable that people could just use him for whatever they liked just because he was a rent boy. Like he had no human rights because of it.”

Kili takes a sip from his coffee and glances over at Thorin who just looks at him silently. “I don’t know what to say, Kili. Other than that I am sorry.”

“Why are _you_ sorry?”

Thorin shrugs. He had asked Kili the same question last night.

“I know you are trying to do the right thing. And I love you so much for it. All I am saying  … not everyone thinks the way you do.”

Thorin nods and then he pulls Kili in close. “I love you so very much, Kili,” he whispers in the brunet’s ear. “I want everything to be okay for you. I wish I could protect you from all the evils in this world.” He takes Kili in a soft kiss, which is eagerly answered.

“Kili,” Thorin says when their tongues are back in their own mouths. “John sent me an email. He’s asked me to give him a ring later. He sounded very pleased with you.”

“Really?!” Kili beams.

“Yes,” Thorin smiles back. “Just … after last night. If he wants to offer you a position… do you still want it?”

Kili frowns. “Of course! It was just one idiot Thorin. And I assume that the rest of your company is not full of pervs.” Thorin raises his eyebrow and Kili blushes deeply. “Sorry, sexy, did not mean it that way. I did not mean that you …”

“Stop digging…”

Kili laughs. “You’re right. Thanks for taking the shovel away.”  He puts his arms around his lover and kisses Thorin deeply again. “I am not going to let one crackpot take away all the opportunities you have given me. If John wants to give me a job, then I would be delighted to take it.”

***

The rest of the day is full of mixed emotions.

First he phones John back, hoping that nine o’clock is a reasonable enough hour. John is professional as always; he does not discuss any of Kili’s interview in detail with Thorin. He simply says that he liked the lad’s enthusiasm and attitude and that he wants to try him out in the office as assistant to one of his business analysts. And he just wants to run that by Thorin before he offers him the job.

“You are not going to make him wait until Monday are you, John? Please help him out of his misery. Or better, help me out of my misery.”

John laughs on the other end of the line. “Alright then, because it’s you. I will ring him on his mobile now.”

Thorin waits for Kili to come bouncing into the living room, which he does a few minutes later as expected. “Got the job!!” he cries out. “I know that you already know, but I don’t care! I got the job!!”

Thorin wraps his arms around his boyfriend and gives him plenty of wet kisses in congratulations. “I am so proud. So very proud of you, my flower.” Kili beams radiantly. “Now, I have a little surprise for you as a congratulations for being offered the position.”

“Oh?” Kili smirks cheekily at him.

“Kili!” Thorin laughs. “Don’t worry, you will be getting plenty of that too. But first …” He release his hold on his sweetheart and walks over to the little cabinet in the living room in which he keeps all his personal documents. He pulls out an envelope and hands it to Kili.

“What’s this?”

“Open it and you’ll find out.”

Kili tears at the paper and pulls out a greetings card that says _Congratulations!!!_ on the front. When he opens it up his mouth falls open. In Thorin’s strong handwriting it reads :

_My sweet little flower,_

_I am so very grateful that you have come into my life. You are my sun, my moon, my everything. Every day with you is an adventure. I am so very proud of what you have achieved and I have every bit of confidence that you will make a success of it._

_However, I know how much you relish your freedom and I don’t want you to be reliant on me for transport. I am probably a fool for it, but to congratulate you on your new job I would like to pay for you to have driving lessons._

_With all my love,_

_X Thorin_

Kili closes the card and just stares at Thorin for a moment, before he flies back into his arms. “Oh my god, Thorin, this is … You are …” He has no words big enough to express his feelings. His gratitude for Thorin’s generous offer. For his unfaltering belief in him. And most of all for his words of love.”

“I love you, baby,” he whispers needily against Thorin’s lips. “I love you so so much! I don’t know how to thank you enough.”

“Just be with me,” Thorin smiles.  “That’s all I need from you, sweetpea.”

***

The next conversation Thorin is having is a lot less cheerful. He has waited until Kili had gone out to get some fags as he does not want to remind or upset him.

“Elrond?”

“Thorin? Everything alright?”

“I’m really sorry to disturb you on your weekend. There ehm … there was an incident at the party last night.”

“Oh?”

“I have been approached by someone to tell me that they were assaulted by a member of staff.”

“Oh God, Thorin! Assaulted?”

“Yes.” He swallows hard. “Sexually assaulted. In the gents.”

He can hear the sharp blow of breath followed by a brief tense silence. “Shit.”

“The victim does not wish to press charges,” Thorin quickly continues. “However, you understand that since I have been told, action has to be taken against the perpetrator.” He licks his lips as they feel dry.

“And who is that?”

Thorin swallows again. “I have my suspicions at the moment, but I need the victim to confirm this. He was a guest on the premises last night and he does not know the employee’s name.”

“A guest? It was personnel only.”

Thorin takes a deep breath. “He was my guest. He is my partner.”

He can hear Elrond splutter for just a second before he pulls himself together. “I see…  Let me get this straight. You are telling me that you brought your partner to the office party last night. And that he was sexually assaulted by a member of our staff?”

“Correct.”

“Right, so let’s cut the official crap, Thorin. Off the record then, who do you believe it was?”

“Alfrid in Sales.”

“Shit.”

“I don’t want that fucker back on our premises again,” Thorin growls now that his professional mask has been ripped off him.

“No, I can understand that. Okay, leave it with me to have a think for a moment. I will work something out and then I will give you a call back. It will be difficult without your partner wanting to make an official complaint. We’ll have to suspend him pending investigation, but at least that will keep him off site. And then we’ll have to build a case to get rid of him. That will be easy enough, we just have to decide whether we want to get him over this – in view of the lack of evidence and also your personal involvement – or get him on something else. As you know, Thorin, there are always ways …”

He doesn’t like doing this. He does not like to play dirty. However, this guy – this scumbag – has been the one to initiate this game. And he should consider himself lucky if all that ends up happening is him getting fired over this.

***

When Kili returns from the shop he waves two NHS envelopes in the air and then hands the one with Thorin’s name on it to him.

“That was pretty quick,” Thorin remarks as he nervously opens the letter. All should be fine, but you never know… He quickly scans over the piece of paper and then glances over at Kili.

“I know what we’ll be doing tonight!” his younger boyfriend grins widely.

“All clear then?”

Kili nods and hands him his letter as Thorin gives him his.

“You know what that means,” Kili softly grinds himself against Thorin. Thorin had promised. And he cannot wait to be the first guy to leave his mark on him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For my non-English readers, the NHS is the National Health Service in Great Britain.


	24. Kili's Kink (e)

Thorin pulls him in close. “Oh, I do know what that means,” he smiles with a glint in his eyes. “And maybe I don’t want to wait until tonight…”

“Oh?” Kili responds with surprise and gives a little squeal when Thorin grabs hold of his buttocks and pulls him hard against him.

“Maybe I am horny now,” Thorin whispers huskily into his ear.

“Oh!” A flutter pulses through Kili’s body as Thorin takes his hand to lay it against the growing bulge in his jeans. “You naughty boy,” he grins lustfully. He finds it such a turn on when Thorin is the one to take the initiative. And Thorin knows it all too well. “Can’t have you walking around like that!”

Without hesitation Thorin unbuttons his jeans and pulls down the zip. “On your knees then,” he winks at Kili.

“Oh my, Thorin!” This is new. Thorin has never been commanding in their lovemaking before and Kili thinks it is rather exciting. He happily complies as he pulls open Thorin’s fly a little more and sticks his hand down his trousers. “What have we here, sir? This is a _big_ surprise you have for me!” Kili whispers heatedly. They have never gone down this line of play before. Although neither had ever said so, they both had thought it might be too much of a reminder of what Kili used to do for a living. But it is what Kili does best. And now that Thorin has given his usual unsubtle hint at it, Kili finds he is very aroused by the idea.

“Good. Now I think you had best suck on it,” Thorin smiles wantonly.

Kili gives him the biggest grin from his knelt down position, his long eye lashes fluttering beautiful as he looks up through them at his lover. Thorin is still not very good at the sexy talk, but he sure is getting there.

“As you wish, sir,” Kili says submissively. And he spreads his jaw wide to easily take most of Thorin’s cock into his mouth.

“Oooh!” Thorin moans deeply, throwing his head back as his hands grapple for the edge of the breakfast bar, trying to find something to hold on to. Kili is so amazing at giving blowjobs. And now that there is nothing between his cock and Kili’s hot mouth the sensation threatens to overwhelm him almost immediately.

“Steady on, tiger,” Kili grins as he lets go of him for a moment. He has tasted Thorin’s pre-cum coating his tongue already and his lover looks like he will barely last any longer.

Thorin blushes in embarrassment. “I’m sorry. But fuck that feels good!” He thinks back to the first time he had met his boyfriend. How the host, whom he now knows as Balin, had told him that Kili was very good at giving head. And how that was exactly what Kili had proven to him on their first night together and ever since.

The brunet is deep-throating him happily, keeping his hand wrapped firmly enough around Thorin’s base to keep him in check for the time being, whilst the other is gently rolling his stones around. Thorin is leaning heavily against the hard edge of the breakfast bar, holding on to it for dear life as Kili sucks vigorously at his length.

“Mmm, yummy,” Kili moans in between the hot licks over Thorin’s tip. “You taste delicious, sexy.”

Thorin’s legs are beginning to turn to jelly as Kili’s lips are massaging his sensitive tip, his tongue teasingly playing with the coarser edge of his cockhead. “Oh Kili,” he whimpers as his eyes are rolling back. “So close.”

Kili takes the hint and he slides his lips down his boyfriend’s cock again and takes on a steady rhythm as he bobs his head down Thorin’s manhood. His lover’s deep moans of pleasure are making his own prick throb between his legs still confined in his own straining jeans. Thorin’s trousers are hanging around his knees now as he bucks his hips forward, pushing further down Kili’s throat. He puts a flat hand against his pelvis, pushing Thorin gently back so to keep control of the rhythm to prevent him triggering his natural gag reflexes.

“Kili!” Thorin cries out in warning, but Kili puts a hand onto his behind to draw him in. A second or so later he tastes a bigger gulf of pre-cum flood into his mouth, quickly followed by the thicker cream of his seed. Kili does his very best to swallow it all as Thorin feeds him his climax, until he drops him, boneless and spent, from his mouth.

Thorin is panting heavily, leaning half passed –out against the breakfast bar. When he finally lifts his head he grins widely at Kili. “Jesus …” is all he can say. “That was … Wow.”

As Kili stands up, Thorin brushes his finger against Kili’s stubble, with a smile wiping the spills from his young beard. 

Kili grins cheekily and tries to grab his lover in for a kiss, but Thorin laughs as he shakes his head and dodges his smeared lips, “No, no, no. You can keep that well away from me, you dirty boy.”

“Oooh,” Kili sulks, teasingly. Then he grabs Thorin and pivots him around, making his trousers drop around his ankles. “Bend over!” he commands and Thorin does as he is told, placing his palms flat onto the surface of the breakfast bar, whilst pointing his backside towards Kili. “That’s it, my lover,” Kili sinks back onto his knees and kisses the soft pink skin on Thorin’s buttocks. “Hm, lovely.”

“Ouch!” Thorin cries out as Kili sinks his teeth into his behind. But Kili just giggles.

His hands are gently spreading Thorin’s cheeks apart, as his index finger starts to explore his ultimate price. Thorin hums softly when Kili teases over his entrance, gently tapping his index and middle finger against him to make him relax and open up. Then he groans deep in his throat as the sensation of Kili’s fingertips is replaced with the wonderful feeling of his soft wet tongue. “Oh fuck, Kili,” he moans into his fist. “That feels good.”

Kili grabs hold of his hips, using his thumbs to keep him spread as he starts to move Thorin’s hips back and forth, sliding him back onto his probing tongue, enjoying the deep grunts that Thorin utters upon each jab of Kili’s tongue into his warm hole.

“Enjoying that, baby?” Kili smiles as his gently probes a finger into the inviting heat made wet by his own tongue.

“God yes,” Thorin whimpers softly. “So very good, Kili. More please.”

“Oh I like it when you are begging for it.” And Kili joins his finger with his tongue, working his lover wide open with every playful stroke and lick. Only when he feels that Thorin is sufficiently wrecked under him, does he let go of his behind and raises himself up onto his feet.

“Do you want to be fucked?” he asks, his voice low with want, whilst stroking the curve of Thorin’s right buttock.

“Yes,” Thorin moans.

“Yes what?” Kili teases.

“Yes please! Please fuck me, baby.”

Kili pulls a sachet of lube out of his back pocket. Old habits are hard to shift and well, you can never be too prepared for an impromptu shag. He unzips his jeans, put keeps them buttoned up, wriggling for a moment to release his hard cock through the small opening. Then he tears open the sachet and slicks himself up, making sure to spread some too over Thorin’s pulsing entrance. Gently he places the tip of his shaft against the dark pink folds, drawing another deep moan from his handsome boyfriend. Then he starts to push into the heat, slowly at first, allowing Thorin to accept his girth, stretching around him. Everything feels like a hundred times more intense, a hundred times more intimate now that they have the freedom of skin against skin. Just the knowledge that this is so pure is making Kili tremble with lust.

“Are you okay, sweet?” he enquires once he has seated himself. He remembers the first time when he had taken Thorin, not even that long ago. How Thorin had whimpered through the stretching of his behind and Kili had not thought they would be able to make it through to the end. Now he was used to him and taking him like a pro.

“Yes, flower,” Thorin sighs. “Feels good, baby.'' 

Kili grabs hold of Thorin’s hips again to give him leverage and control. As he starts to move his hips back and forth, drawing his length in and out of the tight heat of Thorin’s body, shivers are running down his spine.

Thorin looks over his shoulder and grins at his fully clothed lover. “Kinky flower,” he smiles.

“Mmm, this sure satisfies a lot of my fantasies, sexy,” Kili moans back. “You’re so hot, baby. I so want to come in you.”

Thorin pushes himself back hard, making their bodies slap together. “Then come in me, sweety.”

Kili groans at the invitation. He is close now with Thorin’s heat enveloping him and his tight muscles grabbing him. He can hold off for just a little longer, if he keeps his thrusts slow enough. But it is not going to take a whole lot more to make him come undone.

“Tell me one of your fantasies, sexy,” he whispers against Thorin’s back.

It surprises Thorin. He has had a hard enough time learning dirty talk, let alone laying bare his secret wants. “Everything with you is a fantasy, flower. Everything we do,” he attempts to dodge the question.

“Aaw, that’s … mngh … sweet, baby. But there must …. oahh ... be something that we haven’t … oooh ... done yet, that you’d … like.”

Thorin feels his body tingle. “Maybe … wouldn’t mind outdoors … one day … maybe?” he stutters.

“Oh, I like that idea,” Kili groans softly, enjoying that thought and the fact of Thorin sharing his sexual fantasies with him even more. “We must definitely do that.”

With that thought on his mind he starts to thrust himself into Thorin more intensely and further conversation is taken over by pleasured moans and grunts on both sides until Kili’s are drowning out Thorin’s as he comes hard inside him. “Fuck, fuck!” he shouts as his seeds spills into Thorin’s body. He is in pure ecstasy as he draws himself out and in again and again, coating Thorin’s insides well, until he has nothing more to give.

He wraps his arms tight around Thorin’s middle as he relaxes into the post-climax bliss, kissing him through his shirt. “That was amazing, sexy,” he whispers with a voice husky from screaming.

Thorin grabs hold of his hand as he pushes himself up a little, Kili still filling his behind although he is starting to soften. “So amazing,” he agrees. “Love you, flower. Love you so so very much.”


	25. Families

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Witchesdelite wanted to learn more about Thorin's and Kili's parents.

As Thorin returns to the living room after having cleaned himself up, Kili is chatting happily on his mobile.

“Oh here he is,” he says to the person on the other end of the line and as he holds the phone away from his mouth, he says to Thorin, “Fili asks if we want to come over for a barbeque tomorrow?”

Thorin smiles brightly. “Of course!” Seeing Kili chatting to his brother like a friend is great. He is so happy that the two seem to be getting along. He knows it is early days and that it will take time for them to learn to trust each other and make up for lost time. But it is an excellent start.

Kili smiles and returns to his conversation. “Yes, that’s cool, Fee. What time? Alright,” he laughs and looks at Thorin again. “He asks how your midwifery skills are? Just in case his missus decides to go into labour tomorrow.” Thorin pales, making Kili laugh even harder. “Yeah, he said that would be no problem,” he giggles to Fili on the phone. “Yeah okay, we’ll see you then. Give my love to Lyn … Oh thanks again, yeah me too!” He grins widely as he ends the call. “He’s happy that I got the job.”

Thorin gives him a soft kiss. “I should think so. So what time?”

“Three okay?”

Thorin smiles. “Perfect, my lovely. You’ll even be awake by then,” he grins, stroking his hand through Kili’s scruffy hair before he walks over to the fridge. “Want a beer? I’m thirsty.” He beams back at Kili. “Someone got me all heated up.”

Kili pulls his best innocent face. “Don’t know what you’re talking about. But yes, a beer would be lovely, babe.”

Thorin opens two bottles and hands one over to Kili.

“So do you have any other brothers or sisters?” he asks as he takes a sip, leaning against the worktop, looking at his beautiful boyfriend still glowing from their earlier passion.  They have been together for nearly a month now but Thorin realises that much of their time has been spent talking about Kili’s addiction and his old job and he knows so very little about this man who has moved in with him still.

“Nope,” Kili answers, taking a long tug. “Just me and Fee. You ehm … you mentioned about your brother… You don’t have to …”

Thorin smiles. “It’s okay, it’s not a secret. It is just something I have buried deep for a long time and I am not an easy talker about my emotions at the best of times.” He walks over to the French doors and opens them to let the fresh air into the room. It’s a beautiful day, summer is definitely here. He sits himself cross legged on the floor in the beam of sunshine. “My brother … his name is Frerin. He passed away when he was sixteen years old.” Kili has sat himself next to him now and is stroking and kneading his thigh in reassurance. Thorin softly lays his hand over his and gives him a slight smile. “He was a good brother. We had so much fun together when we were young. He was a right clown, always coming up with pranks.” He stares straight ahead again, taking another sip from his beer.

“What happened? That things went so badly for him?”

Thorin sighs deeply. “My father was an alcoholic. He was a very violent man. Beat the shit out of my mum and me and my brother also.”

“Oh fuck, Thorin,” Kili threads his fingers through Thorin’s and squeezes his hand. “You never said ...” He thinks back to the day when Thorin had told him he could not smoke his grass anymore and how he had lashed out. Thorin’s sudden flaming anger had taken him by complete surprise but now it made perfect sense. And he once more feels awful for raising his hand at his lover. “I am sorry, babe.”

Thorin squeezes his hand in return and brings it to his lips to place a kiss on it. “My mother, after suffering years of abuse at the hands of my father she eventually had the guts to leave him. She found a new husband,” he continues quietly. “I think he was a divorcee, already had a family of his own. And she moved in with him.”

Kili looks up at him. “So did Frerin not get on with his stepfather?”

Thorin looks at him sadly. “She did not take us with her. We stayed with my dad.”

Kili’s eyes grow large. “She what? She left you? Knowing what your dad did to you?”

Thorin nods his head sadly. “Yes. She made contact a couple of times at first. But then they moved away and I never heard from her again. I … I hope she ended up happy. Don’t even know if she is still alive.”

Kili looks at Thorin with surprise. To have been abandoned like that and still wish the best for his mother … he really is a special kind of guy.

“What about _your_ parents?” Thorin asks. Kili shrugs. “You don’t have any contact with them at all?”

“Nope. My dad died in a motorbike accident when I was nine. My mum … the last time I saw her she shouted at me that she did not want any contact with me. That I was disgusting and a disgrace, whoring myself out. Never mind that she pushed me into it. I know I was a handful, but for fuck sake I was fourteen when she threw me onto the street with nowhere to go. What the fuck was I supposed  to do?!”

Thorin pulls his lover in close, showering him in kisses. And for a while they just hold each other, letting the warmth of the sun wash over them so if to cleanse all the bad memories.

“Does Fili still have contact with your mother?”

“I dunno,” Kili shrugs again. “I know he had a massive row with her over me and they didn’t speak for a long time. He didn’t even invite her to his wedding as he didn’t think it would be good to have us both there.” He lets his head hang in shame, realising for the first time that his brother had chosen him over his mother and yet he had never even seen it let alone appreciate it. “He should have invited her,” he mumbles. “Cuz I fucked up and got very drunk. Apparently I tried to come on to some of the guests… Shit, I am not proud of it, Thorin.”

But Thorin stifles a laugh. “Sorry, it’s not funny.”

“Is a little,” Kili chuckles too. “Think I tried to come onto the bride’s dad at one point. Oh fuck.”

Thorin is laughing out loud now. “That must have been a shock!”

“God yes. Please don’t mention it to Fee and Lyn tomorrow. They did not see the funny side.”

Thorin nods, pressing kisses on Kili’s hair. “I am sure they didn’t. You are a right little shit sometimes, aren’t you?”

Kili pulls a face, but he can hardly argue. “How about your dad, Thorin? Is he still alive?”

Thorin shakes his head. “No. He died twelve years ago. Liver failure, as expected really. Think we were all surprised he lasted as long as he did.”

“Are you angry with him? For what he did to you?”

Thorin nods. It seems a silly question, but actually it is a question that no-one has ever asked him and therefore he has never been able to say it out loud. “Yes,” he confirms. “I am fucking mad with him for what he did to our family.”

“Do you know why he drank?”

Thorin shakes his head. “No particular reason that I know of. Just one of those things I guess. One of those vicious circles. People always expect me to say that he was some scarred army hero or came from an abusive home. But no, he was just a normal office worker and although I don’t really remember by grandparents that well as far as I know they were perfectly normal people. I mean, I don’t know what skeletons he was hiding in his closet and I never asked. But I don’t think there was anything. He just drank too much and when he did he got violent and took it out on all of us.” He hugs Kili just a little closer. The warmth of his sweetheart’s body is comforting.

“What about Frerin? Why did he …?”

“I guess it just got too much for him one day. He took mum leaving very badly, saw it as her rejecting him. He was only eleven when she left us. And he never was the same after that. He became this very frightened boy that used to wet the bed the minute he could hear our dad return home form the pub. I looked after him the best I could, tried to protect him from our dad’s angry outbursts whenever I could. I don’t know if it was one thing or just everything together that pushed him over the edge. He had never hinted he would do anything like that, had never attempted it before and he didn’t leave a note so I just don’t know. He overdosed on a combination of painkillers and alcohol. I think maybe he didn’t even mean to do it, to actually die I mean. Maybe it was just a desperate cry for help and that is the thing that kills me more than anything. That if I had got there just a little sooner and perhaps had got him to a hospital on time... But I didn’t and I cannot go back and change what happened. But I can’t help but wonder some days what he would be like now.” He smiles at the imagined picture. “I think he would be an actor or a painter or something like that. He was always very artistic.”

“Do you think he would approve of us?”

Thorin drags his hands through Kili’s soft hair, kissing him again. “Yes, I am sure he would because he would see how very happy you make me.” And he laughs softly. “And if he didn’t, I’d kick his ass!”

Kili laughs and then pulls Thorin’s lips against his. “Babe,” he whispers, “you make me so very happy too. I really am crazy about you. Before you came into my life, I didn’t even know if I really was into guys. But it is not a matter of being into gals or guys. Of stupid labels or boxes. I am simply in love with _you_.”

Thorin actually feels himself well up. “And I with you, flower.”

The romantic moment is interrupted by Thorin’s phone vibrating across the breakfast bar, whilst it belts out the ringtone at full volume. Kili laughs out loud. Normally Thorin keeps his phone on silent so this is the first time he’s heard it. “Is that Rammstein?! Oh my god, Thorin, you are a dark horse!”

Thorin smirks as he pushes his lover off him and runs for his phone. As he looks at the screen he hesitates and looks over at Kili.

“Aren’t you gonna answer that?”

He reluctantly presses the answer call button just before the call goes over to his answer machine. He does not want to make it look like he is hiding something from Kili, especially since this concerns him. “Elrond.”

“Thorin, sorry it took me a while to ring back.” Thorin thinks he wouldn’t have been in a position to answer anyway if his colleague had phoned much earlier and he blushes at the thought. “I phoned Lindir after I spoke to you.”

“Oh?” Lindir was his IT security officer. He was quite a young guy but he was a wiz with technology.

“Yes, he logged into the CCTV and has retrieved the footage from last night. Looks like your suspicion was right, Thorin. The footage of the hallway is pretty clear it seems. You can see this long-haired chap going into the gents who I assume must be your partner as Lindir did not recognise him. And then a few moments later Alfrid follows him in. Only Alfrid then leaves, before you appear on the cameras. Looks like you must have missed him by just a couple of minutes.”

 _Probably for the best_ , Thorin thinks, _or the man would be eating his dinner through a straw._ However, the thought that he could have walked into this piece of filth molesting his sweetheart is making his blood boil.

“I see,” he tries to sound as calm as possible. “So what’s the plan?”

“I have written his letter of suspension. Me and Lindir will take it over later so that he won’t come into the office on Monday and also to ask him to surrender his laptop whilst he is suspended.” He takes a deep breath. “Your partner, he is sure he does not want to press charges? It would make this whole thing a lot more straightforward if he did. Although I appreciate not for him.”

Thorin looks at Kili. “I don’t think so, but I will ask again. And if he doesn’t?”

“Lindir is going to check over his laptop. Just in case we find something we can pin on him. You never know. If not we will have to play this dirty and set him up. It can be done, Thorin. As long as you swear to me that this is what happened, I will sort it for you.”

“It is. Kili would not lie about something like this. He ehm … he knows the guy from a previous life.”

At that Kili looks up and narrows his eyes at Thorin.

“Oh shit, you didn’t mention that before!” Elrond exclaims.

“No, I know.”

“First thing Monday you and I need a get together and you tell me everything okay. But first I will make sure that Alfrid is kept off the premises.”

“Alright. Cheers, Elrond. Sorry to take up so much of your weekend with this.”

“That’s alright. The wife has taken the twins to see some kids’ movie so you have given me a nice get-out- clause.”

Thorin laughs. “Happy to be of service. I will see you Monday. And cheers again.”

As he puts the phone down, Kili jumps up. Thorin holds up his hand to motion him to not get in a stress straight away. “That was Elrond, my HR Director,” he explains. “They have found CCTV footage which has identified the man who followed you into the gents, so you do not need to identify him anymore.” Relief spreads across Kili’s face. “Are you sure you do not want to press charges, my love?”

Kili shakes his head resolutely. “I just want to forget the whole thing happened. Sack him. But leave it at that. Please, Thorin?”

Thorin nods. “Okay. They are going to check his laptop. One way or another we’ll sort it out.” He pulls Kili towards him. “You just forget about him. Concentrate on your new job,” he smiles. “Have you looked into driving lessons yet?”

Kili shakes his head and Thorin pops up the lid of his laptop and logs in. “There you go. I thought maybe you can see if you can find one of those intensive quick pass courses. The sooner you have your licence the better. Then you can take the Merc to work.”

Kili’s mouth falls open. “You are fucking with me.”

Thorin laughs, “That I am,” he grins with a glint in his eyes. “Oh I see, that’s not what you meant?” He sticks out his tongue at his younger lover. “Look, Kee, I have two cars and I can only drive one at a time. And you are not taking my precious baby!”

Kili laughs. Then his phone beeps and he pulls it out of his pocket. As he opens up his whatsapp messenger, a picture of Legolas pops up on the screen. Thorin does not mean to spy at Kili’s phone, but the picture of the blond catches his eye. “Oh, who is she?” he asks. Kili had not mentioned any girls before.

But his lover pisses himself laughing. “That, my sexy, is a he.”

Thorin chokes on his beer. “Really?!” he grabs the phone off Kili and stares at the picture. “No way!”

“Oh yes way,” Kili grins. “Trust me there is no mistaking it. That’s Legolas, sweety. You know, the guy I told you about. One of my old colleagues. “

“Shit, he’s hot!”

Kili frowns. “Steady on now!” And he yanks the phone out of Thorin’s hands. “Was going to introduce you, but now I am not so sure ...”

“Oh, you are not jealous are you?” Thorin teases and he twirls his fingers into Kili’s locks. “You know there is only one for me, little flower.” He gives Kili a chaste kiss. “Once you have had a look at driving courses maybe we can go and get some fresh air. Grab a bite to eat out.” He looks deep into Kili’s eyes and sighs.

“What?” Kili asks, worried.

But Thorin smiles. “You are just so amazing!” And he dips his tongue deep inside the heat of his lover's mouth, leaving him breathless. 


	26. New

“Over there. Number fourteen,” Kili points towards one of the honey-coloured semi’s along the curving street of the cul-de-sac. The estate is quite new, fresh and open. Thorin pulls up behind the two cars on the driveway, one a rep car and the other a practical family estate car, clearly a new purchase to suit the needs of their soon expanding family.

Before they have even got out of the car, the front door opens and Lyn appears in the doorway, bump first as she beams brightly at them. “Fee is at the back, setting fire to the garden,” she giggles. “So glad you could make it, so lovely to see you!”

Kili is the first to reach her and he gives her an awkward hug. “Thank you for having us over,” he smiles. Seeing Lyn again fills him with such a mix of emotions. Of desperately wanting to be part of his brother’s happy family. But also of such intense shame of how he had treated these people in the past.

Thorin holds out his hand, but Lyn pulls him into a hug too – as much as he bump allows her to. “No formalities, you are part of the family too,” she grins.

“Thank you,” Thorin smiles, feeling a warm jolt at that comment, and they follow her wobbling frame back into the house.

“This is a nice place,” Kili comments and Thorin looks over in surprise, realising the younger man has never been to his own brother’s house before. Kili shrugs apologetically.

“Thank you, Kili,” Lyn chatters as she walks into the kitchen. “I am sure Fee will give you a tour in a bit. Show you the nursery. You have to excuse me, I barely fit through the doors at the moment. Do you want a drink? Coffee, tea, lemonade, a beer?”

Thorin and Kili smile at each other over the woman’s happy babble as they place their respective orders with her. Then Kili spots his brother through the kitchen window and waves.

Lyn turns around to him, handing him a cold beer. “Go on,” she smiles. “Go and help him out, think he is going to need it.”

And Kili walks through the little utility room into the garden, where he embraces his brother. Thorin and Lyn watch them from inside the kitchen, both smiling brightly at the brothers re-united.

“It is so good to see them together as friends,” Lyn sighs as she dips he tea bag into the hot water of her mug. “How is Kili doing?”

“He has done very well,” Thorin replies. “He is starting his new job tomorrow and I think he will really enjoy it. It is only three days a week so he can ease into a new routine. And he is starting therapy the week after next. It will be tough for him. But all in all I think he is doing remarkably.”

“He does seem to,” Lyn nods, turning back to him. “Thank you, Thorin. You have done the unthinkable.”

Thorin blushes. “I have done nothing special.”

“Oh don’t be so modest. In how ever many years you are the first person who has managed to steer Kili onto the right path. Not only have you given him the means to get out of his old life. More importantly you have given him the support and confidence that he needed to do it.”

Thorin smiles shyly as he takes a sip from his lemonade. He really does not feel like he has done anything extraordinary. He simply loves Kili and that is not a hard thing to do at all.

Lyn rubs a hand over her belly. “Alright, little one,” she coos. Then she smiles at Thorin. “She’s kicking, do you want to feel?”

Thorin is unsure for just a moment. He barely knows this woman and it seems very invasive to touch her pregnant belly, but Lyn has already grabbed his hand and put it against her swollen belly. Thorin gasps as he feels the little movements underneath and then a strong kick against his hand. “That’s … amazing,” he beams.

Lyn giggles. “Yeah, although when she does it at 2 o’clock in the morning it is more annoying than amazing, I tell you.”

“You know it is going to be a girl then?”

“Not really. I just have a hunch. Don’t worry we haven’t painted the nursery pink in case I am wrong. But I think it will be a little girl.” She smiles at Thorin’s hand, still resting against her swollen belly. “You don’t have any children then? I mean, adopted maybe? Two of our closest friends are a lesbian couple and they have adopted two little boys.” She looks at Thorin who looks a little embarrassed. “I am sorry, I chat far too much and I am far too nosy. Fili will tell me off for it later. Just tell me to shut up if I am prying too much.”

“It’s okay,” Thorin says as he pulls back his hand. “No, I don’t have any children. My ex-wife really wanted them, but it was at that point that I realised that it was not fair on either of us to stay together and it definitely would not be fair on a child.”

Lyn looks at him with surprise. “Your ex-wife?”

Thorin nods. “Yes, I was married for a long time. I am forty-two, grew up in the old closet days and being openly gay was definitely not an option in my family.”

“I am sorry, Thorin, that must have been very difficult.”

“Yes, it was.” He smiles softly at her. “But things are different now. And I am very blessed to have found Kili.”

“You two look very happy together,” Lyn agrees. “Fili was quite surprised at first. I think despite Kili’s work he never thought of his brother as a gay man.”

Thorin laughs. “I don’t think Kili did either.”

“Would you like to have children now?” Lyn asks as she throws the teabag away and takes a sip, leaning heavily against the worktop.

Thorin stutters. “I … I think it is a little early to think about that. Kili and I have only been together for just over a month. He would probably run a mile if I suggested such a thing! And we both have our own lives to sort out first before we become responsible for another human being. But we are really looking forward to welcoming Kili’s niece into the world.”

Lyn laughs. “I am sorry. Honestly, I should think before I speak. Just seeing how sweet you two are together it is hard to remember you two have not been together long. You are really made for each other.” She smiles warmly at Thorin’s shy blush. “Shall we go and join them? I need to sit down. This little lump weighs a tonne.”

As they walk into the garden the two brothers are laughing out loud. Kili bounces over to Thorin and he points at the barbeque. “Those are your sausages, on the right,” he beams. “I am cooking them for you! This is so exciting, Thorin! I have never had a barbeque before!”

Thorin wraps his arm around his lover, feeling an intense sadness run through him. Kili is thirty years old and he has never done something that everyone else he knows would take for granted as a part of normal life. Kili’s life has been such a waste and it is heart-breaking to think about. He silently promises him he will make up for it twofold.  “I look forward to trying them, flower,” he gives him a chaste kiss.

Fili walks over and holds out his hand for Thorin. “Thanks for coming over. First barbeque of the year! I apologise in advance for burning the food, I am useless at this. However, Kili has already saved the day. He definitely is much better at this than I am.” Fili gives him a furtive wink and Thorin smiles back gratefully. They both know that the little compliment which suggests that Kili has done something better than his big brother, whom he has placed on such a pedestal for all these years, is an important confidence boost for the brunet.

The afternoon passes by quickly. Fili and Lyn are such easy to get along with people that they all feel quickly at ease around each other. They chat away merrily about all sorts as they scoff down the food and Thorin bubbles over with love every time he glances at his boyfriend who is grinning like an overexcited child over his first barbeque adventure.

“Oh, and you never guess what!” Kili cries out all of a sudden as Lyn serves up big heaps of homemade trifle. “I am going to learn to drive! Thorin has bought me driving lessons as a present for getting the job!”

Fili raises an eyebrow at Thorin, remembering all too well Kili’s little trick of nicking the man’s car.

“At least I feel more confident he won’t kill himself next time he takes my car,” Thorin laughs.

Fili smiles back, “That is very generous of you, Thorin.” And to Kili, “Perhaps you can come round on your days off. Come and see the baby.”

“Oh yes, that will be amazing!” Kili grins widely.

And Thorin feels very satisfied. That had been very much part of the plan in his head when he had offered to buy Kili driving lessons. He had hoped it would give him the freedom to visit his brother and his niece or nephew more often. And he is glad that Fili trusts his brother enough to have volunteered the invitation for him to visit.

Once they have finished desert Lyn is beginning to shift uncomfortably and she looks tired. Thorin picks up on it and offers to do the washing up, but Fili laughs, thanking him for the offer but saying that the dishwasher will make light of that job.

“In that case,” he takes Kili’s hand, “I think it is probably time we left you good people to get some rest. And you need to chill out too, sweetpea. Big day for you tomorrow!”

Kili beams like a child in a sweetshop again. And both Fili and Lyn smile brightly at the happiness painted across his face. Neither had thought to ever see Kili look so happy and healthy. It really feels like Thorin has worked a miracle.

***

“Are you alright, flower?”

Kili is pacing and he has worked his way through a packet of fags in less than no time.

“I am nervous,” Kili says as he plucks at the sleeves of his new shirt.

Thorin grabs him by the shoulders. “Kili, my love, you will do just fine. It is your first day at work. Nothing bad is going to happen. You are just going to be shown around and introduced to people and the systems that they use. There is absolutely nothing for you to worry about.”

But Kili frowns at him. “Is that what you would be telling yourself if this was going to be your first time fucking for money?”

Thorin flinches, although there is less venom in Kili’s tone than there are in his words. He is just anxious. “You are right, my flower. This must be very out of your comfort zone. I am sorry. I am just trying to reassure you.”

Kili sighs and falls into Thorin’s embrace. “I know, I am sorry too. Thank you.”

Thorin places a gentle kiss on his head and then loosens the hug. “Ready then?”

And Kili nods as he grabs his bag and follows Thorin out of the door. His hands are trembling. He has not felt this nervous in like ever. He feels like his entire future rests on this one day and he knows he needs to call himself to order or his nerves will get the better of him and he will do a runner. He wishes he could have a smoke. A proper one, just to calm his nerves. But as soon as the thought enters his mind he angrily pushes it away. He has done so well to give up. He has been clean for weeks. But oh the temptation … He could just pop out into town. It is only a fifteen minute walk from the office. It would not be hard to find a dealer.

He jumps as Thorin’s hand caresses his thigh. “I am proud of you, flower,” he smiles warmly at him.

And Kili smiles back. _Thank you_ , he thinks. Thorin somehow always knows to say the right things at the right time. He cannot betray his trust again; he has placed so much faith in him. _Be strong. You will be alright._

Thorin drops him off around the corner again, so that Kili can walk up to the front door on his own, rather than be dropped off by the boss like a child by his dad on his first day at school. Thorin pulls him into a deep kiss and a warm hug before he waves him off. “Good luck. I will pick you up about half five,” he calls after him. Kili turns back and waves one last time, before he strolls towards the entrance of the office.

A claustrophobic panic hits him as soon as he follows John into the open plan office. So many people are all crammed together in such a small space. Kili is used to working in private and immediately the anxiety rises in him again. All these people are going to be watching him fail!

But John smiles reassuringly at him. “Kili, this is Aragorn. Aragon, please welcome your new assistant.” The tall man, with a full beard and longish hair, stands up and gives Kili a firm handshake. “Welcome, Kili.”

“I shall leave you to it,” John smiles. “If you have any questions, just ask Aragorn here or come and see me later. But I am sure you will settle in just fine.”

Aragorn pulls by another chair for Kili. “First day, he. You must be nervous,” the guy smiles warmly at him. “You worked in insolvency before?”

Kili shakes his head. “No. I come from an ehm … service background.”

Aragorn raises his eyebrow, but comments no further. “Well, I am sure you will be fine. You’ll pick it up quick enough. I will just show you how to log in to the system and give you an overview of what we do. Then I will take you round and introduce you to people. Don’t worry, there is not going to be a test at the end of it. You won’t remember everyone’s name straight off. Lunch is half an hour between twelve and two, you pick what time suits you, I am easy. I usually have lunch at my desk, but there is a canteen downstairs which is quite good. Gents are back through the door that you came through. Are you a smoker?”

Kili nods, feeling a little overwhelmed by the waterfall of information and he is dying for a cigarette already.

“Smoking areas are at the back of the canteen and also to the left of the front door. Just take a break when you need one. I trust you will be sensible about it.”

Finally the guy takes a breath as he looks at Kili. “Any questions so far?”

Kili shakes his head. _Other than where is the emergency exit_ , he thinks. But he takes a deep breath and tries to calm himself down.

“Good, then let’s get started.”

Despite his anxiety, the morning passes by remarkably quickly and before he knows it is lunch time.

“Hey, you want to come to the canteen with us?” a youngish looking chap who has introduced himself as Sam asks him as he is just about to send a message to Thorin.

“Sure,” and he follows him and his colleagues downstairs.

“So how are you getting on? A little overwhelming isn’t it, on your first day?” Sam enquires as they stand in the lift.

“Yeah, it is all very new to me. Never worked in anything like this before.”

“Really? What did you do before?” the other guy, called Pippin asks. He has a kind open face with a bright smile and reddish curls and Kili immediately likes him. He reminds him a little of Ori.

“Ehm, worked in catering,” he mumbles. That is the story he had agreed with Thorin. “You know, as a waiter.”

“Really? That _is_ different. So what do you think of it so far?” Sam asks as they join the queue for the hot food.

“It’s okay. Just so many systems to learn. Only had to worry about one booking system before. And all the terminology!”

The others laugh. “Yeah, don’t worry though,” Pippin says. “Worked here three years and still don’t know what anyone is talking about half of the time.”

“I thought it was a new company?”

“It is. But I got TUPE’d over. Worked for the original company until it was bought out by Mr Oakenshield. You will get to meet him soon, the big boss that is.”

Kili flushes. “I … ehm… I have met him. I know him. That is how I learnt about the vacancy.”

“Oh,” Sam says in surprise. “Friends in high places, I see. We had better be careful what we say then.”

Kili cringes, but Pippin pats him on the shoulder. “Don’t worry, we are just winding you up. Thorin is a nice enough guy. As far as CEOs go. Wouldn’t get on the wrong side of him, mind.” And then to Kili’s relief the conversation is taken over by the discussion over whether to have the lamb stew or chicken curry.

As he joins his two colleagues from the second floor and two others from the IT department, he takes out his mobile and sends Thorin a quick text. _Hi sexy. Having a good day so far. Lots to learn. Ppl are very nice. Miss you xxx_

A few moments later his phone beeps in response. _Hey flower. Glad it is going okay. Knew it would. Proud of you! Miss you too. Looking forward to seeing you later xxx_

“Girlfriend?” Sam asks politely as he puts his phone away.

“Boyfriend,” Kili automatically replies and flushes immediately as he realises what he has just said.

There is a very brief moment of awkwardness between the five of them, but then Pippin smiles brightly. “That’s cool,” he says happily and they all continue chatting and eating. And again Kili sighs in relief. Thank god that these people are all so easy going and civilized. Although he hopes they will still be when they put two and two together.

Five thirty comes round quicker than expected. Kili had been given some simple tasks by Aragorn to familiarise himself with the systems and he beams when his line manager tells him he has done extremely well to pick everything up so quickly and that he hopes Kili has enjoyed it and will be back tomorrow. “Yes of course!” Kili smiles as he logs off.

Kili is waiting around the corner as agreed, drawing on his fag, when Thorin pulls up. Kili flies into his arms as soon as he opens the door. Thorin laughs. “Had a good day then, sweetheart?”

As soon as Kili opens his mouth his chatter does not stop again until they pull up at their apartment. He tells Thorin all about what he had learnt, what he had done, whom he had met, until his throat feels dry from talking. When his lips finally stop moving, Thorin pulls him towards him and presses their lips together.

“I am so pleased for you,” he smiles warmly as he caresses Kili’s coarse curls.

They spend the evening on the sofa watching a movie, drinking wine and cuddling. And Thorin doesn’t think life gets to be any more perfect than it is right now. Kili seems so relaxed and happy as he lies in his arms, stealing kisses from his lips every so often.

That evening they make tender love to each other and Kili is out like a light almost as soon as he is spent, worn out from all the new experiences of the day. And Thorin lies on his side watching him sleep for a while, as he softly plays with Kili’s long hair. He thinks back about his conversation with Lyn the day before. That Kili and he are really made for each other. And suddenly he is very sure he wants to spend the rest of his life with this man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TUPE = Transfer of Undertakings (Protection of Employment)  
> These are regulations under UK business law which protect an employee whose business is being transferred to another business, ensuring their employment is protected and substantially continued after takeover.


	27. Dirty Business

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please remember that this fic is pure fiction. 
> 
> Warning! contains references to child prostitution and child pornography

As he parks his car after having dropped Kili off for his second day at work he feels on edge. He had been so very happy for his sweetheart yesterday that he had not said anything to him and Kili’s excitement about his first day at work had pushed his own worries to the back of his mind. But his frustration and anger are now all flooding back as he walks into the building.

He had met with Elrond first thing yesterday to discuss with him the situation with Alfrid and to give him a little bit of the background between that vile piece and Kili. All he had said was that Kili used to work in a private club and that he knew Alfrid as a customer. That was it. Elrond could draw his own conclusions from that and whatever he thought of the situation he had not said a word out of place. He was a very calm and professional kind of guy, one of the reasons Thorin had hired him. Elrond in turn had told Thorin that he and Lindir had been round the guy’s house on the Saturday to personally deliver the letter of his suspension and also to confiscate his work laptop. It was not something they normally did this way, but in view of the seriousness of the allegation and the fact that it concerned Thorin’s partner, they had wanted to ensure that the guy stayed well away from company premises – for which Thorin had been most grateful.

“He denied the whole thing,” Elrond had said. “Even though Lindir told him he had been caught on CCTV. Not that we caught the actual incident of course, but he did not need to know that. He denied it nonetheless. We won’t be able to do him for that, Thorin. Not unless your partner presses charges. We have nothing to go on.”

Thorin had sighed in frustration, although he had pretty much known the outcome before the start of the meeting.

“So Lindir is having his laptop swiped,” Elrond had continued. “Should be done by tomorrow. I will keep you briefed.”

He has barely hung up his jacket and put down his coffee when Elrond knocks on his door, Lindir in tow, with a sour look on their faces as they close the door behind them.

Thorin takes a seat behind his desk and motions for the others to do the same on the other side. “Nothing?” Thorin asks, not expecting things to be that easy.

“Quite the opposite,” Lindir says at which Thorin raises a surprised eyebrow.

“It never ceases to amaze me,” Elrond picks up the thread, “how some people are so unbelievable stupid. Lindir got his people to swipe the hard drive as we discussed. Like you, Thorin, neither of us expected to find anything on it that we could pin on him.”

“But?” Thorin is getting impatient with the lengthy intro. He likes his people to get to the point.

“We found a whole lot of inappropriate material on it,” Lindir provides.

Thorin’s eyes grow large. “You mean pornographic?” he asks outright. And Lindir nods.

“As I said,” Elrond says, “unbelievably stupid. So we will have no problem sacking him.” He twiddles his wedding ring around his finger for a moment, before he continues. “There is something else you need to know though, Thorin. The guys found a few images which are rather disturbing. We are going to have to send them over to the police.”

“The police?” He feels his heart thumping wildly in his chest, guessing where Elrond is going with this.

“Yes. Obviously we cannot be sure, that is for the police to decide. But there are a couple of pictures … the boys in them look very young.”

Thorin sucks in his breath. He feels sick and he has to grab on to the desk to stop himself from swaying.

Lindir shifts his chair back and makes his apologies, “I will leave you to continue this conversation, whilst I go and make the necessary calls,” he says. And Thorin is grateful for his discretion.

“Are you alright?” Elrond asks carefully when the door is closed.

“No. Are you?”

Elrond shakes his head as he sinks back into the chair. “No, me neither. I didn’t see the pictures, Thorin. From what Lindir told me that ones he is sending to the police, they are not like the other ones that we are sacking him over. Not of that grading if you get what I mean. But if these boys are underage … Well. Jesus wept,” he cries out all of a sudden, “what is wrong with these deprived bastards? He is fucking married as well. And I believe he has a young daughter. Doesn’t bear thinking about, right?”

Thorin shakes his head. “No it doesn’t.”

They sit in silence for a moment. Eventually Elrond sighs. “I just thought you needed to know. It might still all come to nothing. God, I can only hope it does! But if there is going to be a police investigation … I have no idea how these things work. Thank god I have not come across anything like this before. But obviously we’ll have to explain to the police how we came by the evidence and after the assault … You may just wish to speak to your partner about it. Just in case they are going to want to speak to him.”

Thorin nods, although by now Elrond’s words sound far away.

“I am sorry, Thorin. Seems that the little bit of good news comes with a whole lot of stuff none of us ever wanted to think about.”

“No.” Thorin thinks that since he met Kili his life seems to have been filled with stuff he had never wanted to think about. Most people spend their lives in such blissful unawareness. Like he himself had too. They hear the stories on the news and shake their heads in disgust before they flick over to the latest sitcom or soap opera. And no-one ever thinks that those stories will ever become reality for them. Most people are so unaware of how very fortunate they are.

After Elrond has taken his leave Thorin tells his PA that he is going to get some fresh air and makes his way towards the park just behind his offices, where he sits down on one of the iron benches. It is a warm day and yet he is shivering as he thinks about what Elrond had told him. There are too many disturbing thoughts for his brain to take in. Kili had said that the guy had been a frequent customer long before he started working at Spartacus. And he had been but a child himself when he first started working in prostitution. Putting all those things together is too much. He cannot. His brain cannot cope with that. And he should not draw any disturbing conclusions from unconfirmed pieces of information like that anyway. He needs to just think about this rationally. Best case scenario the guy has some adult porn on his laptop that perhaps looked worse than it was and they can sack him without further hassle. Worst case he has indecent images of children on there. And if that is the case it is quite possible that Kili could get dragged into some sort of police investigation. Something he had been so desperate to avoid. He understands now what Kili had meant when he had begged Thorin to just leave the matter be. That once you start to shift the dirt, then you will find more skeletons underneath. Not that it matters. They have done the right thing and he would have done all the same things if he had known the outcome form the outset. Other than perhaps march over to the bastard himself and rip his bollocks off.

He takes his phone out of his pocket and hovers over the speed dial to Kili’s mobile. But he manages to restrain himself. Phoning Kili about this on his second day at work is possibly the worst thing he can do. So he just sits there, drawing in deep breaths, twirling his phone around and around in his hand. In the end he decides that the best thing to do is to wait and talk to Kili tomorrow night. That way Kili can just enjoy his first week at his new job unburdened by all this and then has four days to get over the shock before he has to go back to work again. And with that decision made he gets up and returns to his office, although he spends the rest of the day struggling to concentrate on papers about interest rates.

***

“Are you alright, sexy?” Kili asks carefully. Thorin has been quiet the last couple of days. He can tell something is bothering him. But before Thorin has a chance to answer, he chirps up, “Oh before I forget, the lads are going out for a pint tomorrow night. They have asked if I want to come. Is that alright with you?”

Thorin smiles, happy that Kili has already made friends at work. “Since when did you ask me for permission?”

Kili snorts. “I am not. Just making sure you can cope without me for one night,” he purrs.

“As long as you make up for it,” he smiles. “Maybe I will give Dwalin a call. Catch him for a pint.”

Kili wraps his arms around him from behind and rests his head against his back. “I love you so much,” he says suddenly. “You are the best thing that ever happened to me, you know.”

Thorin sighs deeply. He does not want to ruin this beautiful moment. He just wants all the evil to go away and live in this happy bubble with his lovely one until the end of times.

But Kili senses his distress and gently turns him around. “What is the matter, Thor? You don’t seem yourself.”

He takes his lover’s hand and pulls him towards the sofa. “Kili, sweetheart, I need to talk to you about what is going on at work,” he says as they sit down together. “My people swiped the computer of the guy who assaulted you. And they have found some disturbing material on it.”

He can feel Kili freeze next to him, but the brunet doesn’t say anything.

“Sweetheart, I need to ask you something. How old were you when this guy bought your services?”

Kili looks up. “Why?” he asks defensively but the sadness in Thorin’s eyes makes him soften his defences. “I was of age,” he says quietly. “I guess I was eighteen, maybe nineteen when he first purchased me.” Thorin pulls him close and kisses him softly, relieved. Until Kili continues. “You found kiddiporn didn’t you.”

Thorin’s breath hitches. “We’re … we’re not sure. Lindir has sent the material over to the police to assess. But he was concerned that some of the images might be of underage boys,” he affirms.

Kili nods. His voice is so quiet when he speaks that Thorin barely dares to breathe as he listens to his horrid tale. “I was of age. However, he always wanted me to pretend I was much younger. I have always looked young. Hell, even at the age of thirty I still get asked for ID every time I am buying fags. He … he used to buy me boys’ underwear to wear for him as he took pictures of me touching myself. And then he would make me call him daddy.” Thorin is suppressing the sickness that is rising up through from his stomach. “He liked the whole rape kink too. Wanted me to scream out in pain as he drilled into me. Beg ‘daddy’ for mercy and all that crap.” Thorin runs his hands through Kili’s soft hair as his tears are spilling onto his face. “But at least I was of age. I just hoped that if he could get satisfaction for his sick fantasies from me, that he would not harm any kid, you know. That it would be enough.” He looks up to Thorin now who is crying openly. “Oh don’t cry, my prince,” he says with a sad smile.

“How can I not, my angel?” Thorin swallows. “My heart bleeds for everything you have suffered.”

But Kili presses their lips together. “Don’t. Instead let it blossom for everything we are enjoying together now.”

And Thorin smiles brightly at the unexpected poetic phrase. “I will,” he promises. They cuddle together silently for a while, until Thorin asks, “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yes. Just wish I did not come with all this baggage. I feel such an embarrassment to you.”

Thorin jolts up and makes Kili face him. “Why on earth did you say that? Why are you an embarrassment to me?”

Kili raises an eyebrow. “Oh come on, Thorin! You had such a perfect life before I came along. And now you are all wrapped up in all this dirty shit. I just feel like I have tainted you.”

But Thorin frowns angrily at him. “Don’t ever say anything as ridiculous as that ever again. If anyone should feel embarrassed it is me!” Kili cocks his head in surprise. “After all I was one of those pathetic men who came to purchase a blow job from you because he couldn’t get laid any other way.” He blushes fiercely but at the same time he is relieved he has said it. Ever since they had started dating in earnest it had weighed heavy on his mind how they had first gotten to know each other.  “You were just doing your job. I on the other hand … Well, what does that say about me, that I had to pay someone to have sex with me?”

Kili stares at him in surprise. “I had no idea that is how you felt.”

Thorin looks away, feeling an intense self-loathing settle over him. But Kili wraps his arms around him again. “Don’t feel like that, my lovely one. Hey, we have both had a tough ride in life. Maybe we should just stop being so hard on ourselves.”

Thorin lifts his head and smiles shyly. “Yes, we should.”

“Do you wanna go out for a drink?” Kili asks. “My treat!” he smiles broadly, proud that he finally is bringing in some money again.

And Thorin smiles back warmly. “I would love to. Let me just get changed into something more comfortable.”

As he returns a few moments later, wearing a grey pair of jeans and dark purple sweater, his thick long dark hair billowing loosely over his shoulders, Kili swoons. “Oh baby,” he sighs, “you are such a piece of eye candy. I had better keep you on a tight lease tonight to make sure no-one steals you away.” Thorin smiles shyly and takes Kili’s hand.

Together they leave the apartment, walk down the stairs onto the street and towards the pub a few streets down from where they live. Thorin has only ever been in there on his own and then only a handful of times. As they push open the door the noise of chatter and laughter floats towards them.  It is not overly busy as it is Wednesday night, but there are still quite a few regulars about.

“What you having then?” Kili asks as he leans over the bar.

“I’ll have a pint of Doombar, please flower,” Thorin smiles. “I’ll go grab us a table.”

A few moments later Kili presents him his drink and seats himself opposite. “Ori texted me today,” he smiles. “Asked me how I was getting on.”

“That’s nice of him. You should ask him round for dinner sometime.”

Kili beams. “Yes, I must! That would be lovely.” He runs his fingers along his glass. “I hope he’s alright,” he sighs. “He was always like a little brother to me. I used to look out for him.” He giggles to himself and says in a low voice, “Got myself in a right load of shit with Thranduil once when I broke a client’s nose, because he’d tried to bareback him.”

Thorin smiles. Kili has such a good heart. He wishes he could do something for the red-haired boy too. He clearly means a lot to his boyfriend. He will need to have a good think about it. He knows he cannot go out and save every prostitute out there. And there are probably quite a few out there who won’t need ‘saving’ and who would just laugh at his arrogance. He doesn’t want to offend Kili or his friends either. Like they all need to be rescued by some rich businessman who thinks he’s the fucking messiah. They probably all have a gut full of people just like him.

“You okay?” Kili asks as Thorin is just staring into space.

“Yes, I’m fine.” He quickly changes the subject. “Are you looking forward to becoming an uncle?”

Kili nods. “Yes. Will be weird though, my brother being a dad I mean.”

Thorin smiles. “Yes, it will be. We’ll have to buy some nice presents for them when the baby is here. And it will be nice for you to visit them on your days off.”

They chat like that for another hour or so and Thorin buys them another drink to moisten their throats for a little longer, but thereafter they call it a night. Thorin has to go back to work the next day and it is getting late.

They wave goodnight to the barman, and leave the pub hand in hand, merrily chatting about nothing at all.

But just as they are walking back, Kili feels a thud against his back, followed by a wetness soaking through his top. He whirls around to find a beer can by his feet. “Dirty fags!” a lad amongst a small group of teens a bit up the road from them shouts out.

Kili can feel Thorin tense as he readies himself to storm up to the group, but he grabs his hand firmer and turns back round to the direction in which they were going. “Leave it,” he hisses. “Not worth it.”

Thorin attempts to protest, not wishing to let someone get away with insulting and assaulting them, but Kili yanks his hand hard as he continues his brisk walk.

“Filthy bum-fuckers!” another insult reaches them, but they are already turning the corner.

Kili glances over and Thorin has thunder written across his hard-set face. But now that they are out of sight Kili reaches over and gives him a soft kiss. “Some things never change,” he says with a shrug as he squeezes Thorin’s hand. Then he smiles cheekily and pushes Thorin into the little alleyway that runs off the main street.

“What…?” Thorin squeaks, but Kili presses a finger against his lips as he pushes him up against the wall before he drops to his knees. Before Thorin has a chance to protest he has pulled open his trousers and stuck his hand inside. Kili’s face is hidden in the shadows as the light from the streets doesn’t reach into the alleyway. All Thorin has to go on are his other senses and he groans softly as Kili’s warm mouth takes in his soft member, sucking hard at him to breathe life into his prick. His head flicks around, but there is nobody else about. Sure, if someone walks past the alley and looks too closely they will get an interesting view. And the thought of being exposed is sending his heart racing. He has never had sex outside before and it feels thrilling, dangerous and naughty.

His hands are digging through Kili’s curls as he is becoming hard inside his mouth. “Oh babe,” he whispers. “Nice.”

He is leaning heavily against the brick wall now, sinking into the feeling of Kili’s tongue sliding along his shaft and darting over his tip. He is just teasing him a little; warming him up until his cock is full. But then he expertly slides his mouth over him, taking him in deep long tugs. And it doesn’t take Kili’s clever mouth long at all to bring him close. He tries to hold off for just a moment longer, but one hard suck makes him lose the little grip he had on his control and Thorin moans into his fist as he fills Kili’s mouth with his seed.

He stands panting heavily against the wall as Kili tucks him back in, wiping the back of his hand across his mouth. “Desert,” the brunet grins cheekily as he kisses his cheek. And he grabs his hand again and drags him back onto the street to continue their short walk home. Although Thorin’s legs are so wobbly now that he feels like he has had a whole lot more to drink than just two pints.


	28. Investment

“Babe, you’re home!” Kili calls out as he bounces into Thorin’s arms.

Thorin smiles brightly at him and thinks his lover looks sexy as hell in his dark blue jeans in fitted black t-shirt. “Going on a date tonight?” he teases.

Kili gives him a shove. “Going out for a drink with the lads from work, remember,” he frowns at him.

Thorin hadn’t forgotten, he is just winding him up. “Hm, I am not sure if I can let you go out looking like that. Far too sexy for my liking.”

Kili looks at his boyfriend trying to gauge if he is serious. Surely not, but he looks serious. But just as he is about to open his mouth and have a rant, Thorin pulls him into a snog. When he allows him his breath again he smiles sweetly at him. “Oh don’t look so serious, I am only playing with you, flower. Go and have a great time. I think it is fabulous that you have made friends so quickly. Do you need a lift into town?”

“Nah, will catch the bus and maybe get a taxi back. So what are you up to tonight?”

“Might give Dwalin a call. Go for a curry. Are you eating out as well?”

Kili shrugs. “Dunno. Probably. Might just get a kebab on the way home,” Kili smiles as he shrugs himself into a denim jacket.

Thorin laughs. “I see you are planning on getting hammered then.”

“Not planning on … Anyways, I best get going. You be a good boy now,” he grins.

Thorin snorts. “I will, chickpea. Have fun.”

“Chickpea?”

“Go!”  And pushes Kili towards the door, before turning around to ring Dwalin and then have a shower.

***

“Kili!” Pippin calls out towards him as he walks through the pub, looking for his colleagues.

He waves and walks over with a bright smile. “Everyone alright? Can I get anyone a drink?” The others gratefully place their orders with him and Pippin offers him a helping hand.

“So what you been up to today?”

“Not much,” Kili says as they wait to be served. “Oh, I booked myself on one of those fast-track driving course. Th…,” he catches himself just in time, “My boyfriend has offered to pay for it. As a present for me getting the job.”

“Wow, I need a boyfriend like that!” Pippin jokes as he helps Kili carry their order back to the others.

The conversation flows smoothly. His new colleagues are all easy to get along with and chatter away happily about all manner of things. And although Kili is not able to join in with all of the conversation – he has never had a games console and he does his best to avoid the topic of past employment – he laughs along anyway.

When the conversation moves on to girlfriends and boyfriends, Kili knows he is in for an interrogation.

“So can we see a picture of your boyfriend?” Pippin asks.

“Sorry, haven’t got one on me,” Kili lies. His phone has plenty, some of which are definitely not fit for sharing with their colleagues although there is nothing too raunchy. He knows that these days it is a poor lie. Everyone has a picture of everyone they know, be it on their phone or on some social network site. But the others leave it be.

“How long have you been going out?”

“Only just over a month.”

“What’s his name?” Merry asks next.

Kili laughs nervously, “What is this? The Spanish Inquisition?”

“Leave him alone,” Sam comes to his rescue. “If they have only been going out a month maybe Kili doesn’t want to share all the details with his nosy colleagues just yet!”

“Shall we move on to another pub?” Merry pipes up after they have finished another round. “We can go to the Prancing Pony?” All the others are in agreement and Kili is happy to tag along. He has never been out in this part of the city, which is just as well as it is less likely he will bump into someone he knows here.

That assumption fails in the most surprising kind of way when they spot Thorin and Dwalin sat in the corner of the bar as soon as they walk in.

“Shit, it’s the boss,” Frodo hisses.

“Ah, he’s just having a pint too. If we ignore him, I’m sure he’ll ignore us. We’re not on the clock!” Sam says reassuringly as he pulls another chair towards the table they have found.

“That’s Thorin,” Pippin nudges Kili as he sees him looking over at the two men.

“I know,” Kili smiles.

“Ah yes, I remember you say you know Thorin. Like a family friend is he?”

Kili smirks. “Sort of yeah.”

Thorin spots Kili and as their eyes meet he smiles softly and raises a hand at both the lads in polite acknowledgement. But then he returns to his conversation with Dwalin. He had known there was a chance they would bump into each other tonight, but he won’t bother his lover. This is Kili’s night out and once they have finished their pint they will leave and go somewhere else to leave Kili in peace with his new found friends.

“You think that’s his boyfriend?” Pippin asks in a low voice once they are seated around the table, flicking his head briefly in Dwalin’s direction.

“I dunno, could be,” Merry mumbles.

“You mean he is gay?” Kili asks innocently, trying to blend in with the conversation.

“Oh you don’t know?” Sam asks.

Kili flushes. “Ehm no, we’re not that close,” he lies.

Pippin laughs. “Yeah we think so. That’s the rumour going round the office anyway, that he has a boyfriend now. So yeah I guess that is him.” He laughs softly at Kili’s face which he misinterprets as  disappointment. “Too bad eh, Kili. But he would be way out of your league anyway,” he teases.

A grin spreads across Kili’s face. “Oh really now?”

“Oh common, Kee, the CEO! Yeaheah”

But Kili is a little tipsy already and the statement that Thorin is out of his league has hit a nerve. Suddenly a devious grin creeps across his face. “It’s not his boyfriend,” he states. “That much I know. They are just friends.” He looks back at Pippin with a challenge in his eyes. “So … You are saying I am out of his league, right?” he says in a low, conspiring voice. “How much do you wanna bet that I can get him to snog me?”

Frodo chokes on his beer and Pippin stares at him incredulously.

“Don’t be silly, Kili,” Sam warns. “You don’t want to risk your job now.”

But Kili is already on his feet. “If he does, you are all buying me a drink,” he grins and he stalks over to where Thorin and Dwalin are sat.

“Kili!” Pippin tries to call him back to his sense and he cringes as his colleague draws up a chair to sit with the CEO and his mate. “Stupid lad!” he curses under his breath. He cannot watch the new boy bring his career to ruin like that. Nonetheless his eyes are drawn to what Kili is up to.

“Hello flower,” Thorin smiles at his lover. “I did not think you wanted to be seen with me.”

“Would you mind if people in the office knew?” Kili asks. “That we are an item?”

Thorin thinks about it for just a second. “No, not if you don’t.”

“Then kiss me.”

“Are you sure?” Thorin raises an eyebrow as he looks over at the others who are staring wide-eyes at the three of them.

“They are going to find out one day. They might as well find out now and then if they have an issue with it at least I am not wasting my time making friends with people who don’t accept us being together.” He cleverly forgets to mention the little bet he has made. “So … kiss me,” he grins widely.

“Alright,” Thorin smiles and he leans across the table to press his lips against Kili’s.

“Cheers babe,” Kili winks. “Love you lots.” And to the both of them, “Enjoy the rest of your evening.” And he stands up and walks back to his colleagues whose jaws are on the table.

“Oh my god!” Pippin exclaims as Kili rejoins them. “I cannot believe … How the hell did you get him to agree to that?”

Kili winks at him. “No-one is out of my league!” he grins. “Now, get me another drink please, lads.”

Now that Kili has seemingly told his colleagues about them, Thorin decides to have another pint there, but once they have finished that round he and Dwalin are calling it a night. On his way out he stops by the table where Kili and his colleagues are sat.

“Good evening, Thorin,” Sam says politely, blushing at the little trick that Kili pulled earlier.

“Evening all,” Thorin smiles back.

Then Kili whips around. “You off then, babe?” he grins and Thorin nods drawing gasps from the others. “Alright, I will see you at home later,” and he pulls Thorin down for a goodbye kiss.

“Alright, flower. Goodnight all.” And Thorin and Dwalin leave the noisy pub.

As Kili turns back to the others they stare at him in disbelief.

“Is … he …” Pippin squeaks.

Kili beams. “Sorry to play you, guys, but it was funny as hell. Yes, Thorin is my boyfriend. We live together.”

“Oh my god,” Merry utters in surprise.

But Sam laughs. “Well, that was unexpected! You really do have friends in high places! We had better treat you well.”

Kili smiles at him, but says seriously. “Please, I just want you to treat me as you have been. I am still the same Kee. And I didn’t get the job because of Thorin. He got me an interview yes, but I got the job fair and square. I don’t want you to treat me as Thorin’s boyfriend. Just as me.” He throws his big brown eyes around the group in a plea.

Pippin raises his glass to him as he grins widely. How can he or anyone resist those puppy eyes? “Of course we will, Kee.” And the others join in with the toast.

And Kili sighs in relief that his stupid stunt has worked out alright.

By the time he stumbles into their bedroom it is gone midnight and Thorin is already asleep in bed. He snuggles up against the warmth of his back and snakes his hand around Thorin’s body, which is promptly grabbed by a large hand which pulls him in closer. “Hey sweetpea,” Thorin whispers as he wakes from his light slumber, “did you have a nice time?”

Kili hums in acknowledgement and kisses his back.

“Good. Glad you are home though,” he squeezes Kili’s hand.

And Kili falls asleep with a grin plastered across his face. Things are just perfect. He has the best colleagues and a wonderful home to come back to. But most of all he has the most amazing man in the world lying in his embrace. After all the shit that has defined his life for so long, fate finally seems to be smiling his way.

***

“Hope you have a nice day, flower,” Thorin whispers in Kili’s ear and places a kiss on his cheek.

“Hmm,” is the only response he gets as Kili pulls the blankets up a little and he smiles. Kili doesn’t look too worse for wear and he hadn’t heard him get up in the night so he assumes he is just exhausted after all the new impressions. He had done well on his first week at work and Thorin is so proud of him; how he has settled in so well. He strokes his hand through the brown locks and places another kiss on his head before he sets off for work.

Before he has even left the garage his phone beeps an incoming message, but he ignores it whilst he is joining the morning rush hour traffic. He listens absentmindedly to the radio presenter, his all of a sudden his thoughts flit back to the night when Kili had treated him to a superhot blow job down an alleyway just a few blocks from his apartment. And he feels a little twitch of excitement between his legs as he recalls the event. He looks forward to spending the weekend together and thinks he might take Kili away somewhere nice. Maybe get pampered in an expensive hotel somewhere.

He frowns in slight annoyance as he is shaken from his sweet daydream by the rocky ringtone of his mobile blasting over the speakers of his handsfree. He takes his eyes of the road for just a moment as he looks at the radio display which shows the caller ID as one of his biggest clients. He is not expecting a call from this particular client, so whilst he fumbles for the answer button he wonders what Peter could be phoning him about.

“Morning Pete,” he answers brightly. “What can I do for you?”

It is quiet for a second on the other end but Thorin assumes that it is just the reception playing up.

“Thorin, ehm … Do you know about this?”

“About what?” he asks, whilst turning onto the main road.

He thinks he can hear Peter sigh, but he is not sure as the line is a little crackly. Before his client answers the question another beep breaks across the conversation. “I ehm …” Thorin is beginning to wonder what on earth is going on. Peter is never this tongue tied.

“Are you alright, Pete?”

“I received an email this morning. Have you not checked your emails yet?”

“Hm no,” Thorin is temporarily distracted and nearly ploughs into the car in front of him, but breaks just in time. “Can I call you back in a mo. Traffic is mad this morning and I am nearly at the office.”

“Sure. Speak to you in a mo. Have look at your emails.”

Before he has a chance to end the conversation there is another incoming call. It is not unusual for Thorin’s phone to be ringing off the hook when they are in the middle of a big project, but there is not much going on at the moment that warrants such a hive of activity. “Alright, speak shortly,” he says and switches over to the next call. “Hello?”

“Thorin!” It’s Elrond sounding very uncharacteristically wound up. “Are you on your way into work? Have you read your emails this morning?”

Thorin frowns as he indicates to pull into the staff car park. That is the second person to take an interest in his emails. Has the market done a complete U-turn or something exciting like that? “Just pulling up now. I haven’t yet. What’s going on?”

A brief silence. “Just wait there.” And the line goes dead as Elrond terminates the call.

Thorin pulls into his reserved space and turns of the engine. This is all rather odd. He takes his phone out of the holder on the dashboard and unlocks the screen. Thirty-seven new work emails. That is not that unusual  and usually half of them are rubbish to be moved straight to the bin anyway. He opens up the electronic envelope, quickly scanning through his inbox, trying to work out which is the one that get everyone hyped this morning. Just as his eye falls on an anonymous email with an attachment – the type that looks like one of those Nigerian lottery scams - he jumps out of his skin as Elrond knocks on his window.

“Jeeze Elrond,” he laughs as he opens the door. “Frightened the life out of me.” But the look on Elrond’s face make the smile die on his lips. “What the hell is going on?” he asks with a more authoritative voice.

“Have you seen it yet?” Elrond asks.

“Seen what? Seriously,” he gets out of the car, feeling annoyed now with all this strange secrecy, “can you please just tell me what is going on.”

Elrond sighs deeply and then pulls out his own phone, showing the email attachment to Thorin. His boss slumps back against his car door as his knees buckle under him. He stares at the small image on the screen, his mouth feeling like sandpaper. It’s a quickly put together document that reads

**Thorin Oakenshield’s Latest Investment**

With a subtitle of

_Do you trust this man to invest your money wisely, when he invests his own buying rent boys?_

In between those two statements is a snip from a website which shows a picture of a younger Kili, lying widespread on a bed in nothing but his bulging undies, staring cheekily into the camera, with an advert underneath reading

_Kili (23).  Tall, dark and handsome. A cheeky bottom who enjoys giving oral. Make an appointment today to get our lovely brunet to make your secret thoughts and fantasies come true!_

To Thorin’s horror his company’s main sales desk number has been pasted underneath.

He shoves the phone hard back into Elrond’s hand before turning himself away as the bile rises up from his stomach and his morning coffee hits the pavement. The world is swimming around him but he is vaguely aware of a hand on his shoulder.

“Thorin?” Elrond asks softly. “Thorin?”

Thorin pulls a handkerchief from his pocket and wipes his face as he straightens himself again. “Sorry,” he whispers hoarsely.

Elrond takes in his boss’ pallor. “Don’t be. Come, let us go somewhere so we can talk. Off site.” And he steers his colleague towards his car and plonks him into the passenger seat. As he drives off he glances over at Thorin who is sat with his hands folded in his lap staring emptily into space.

By the time they pull up into the car-park of the nearest coffee shop, Thorin seems to have awoken from his stupor. Instead he has a darkness lying across his face that sends a fright through Elrond. “Come on then,” he says quietly as he holds the door open for him.

Thorin walks ahead of him into the shop, pushing the door open with such force that it crashes against the wall.

Elrond lays a hand on his shoulder again, trying to calm the silent thunderstorm that rages through his boss. “I will get us a drink. You find us a table.” By the time he returns to the table with two large mugs of coffee Thorin is staring hard at his phone which continues to beep every so often.

Thorin glares up. “What the fuck is going on?” he hisses icily. “Where did this come from?”

“It was sent from a hotmail address which has already been deactivated. Lindir’s guys are trying to trace it but he expects it was sent from a library or internet café.” He carefully looks at Thorin. “I think we both know who it came from.”

Thorin nods, his eyes flitting wildly. “Do we know who it was sent to?” he asks, dreading the answer.

“Provided it was just this one email he sent out … He didn’t bcc the addressees so we know we this email was sent to.”

“And?” Thorin growls, fed up already with Elron’s evasive answers.

“And it appears it was Alfrid’s sales portfolio. So that’s Beyrins’, Jakeman and Sons, National Investment …”

Thorin waves a hand. He doesn’t need Elrond to spell out his demise word for word, client by client. “Can it be recalled?”

Elrond shakes his head. “They are still looking into it, but so far no joy. Even if we did, most will have seen it by now.”

“The sales desk number …”

“We’ve diverted it for the time being. It is going through to the answer machine on my second line. We’ll pass the genuine enquiries back to the guys and you and I are going to have to speak with Gandalf to agree a best response to the others.”

Thorin slams his fist down on the table, causing their coffees to spill over into the saucers underneath. “How the fuck did this happen?!” He lowers his head. “I’m sorry,” He grumbles.

“Don’t be,” Elrond says again. “This is horrible, Thorin, I get that. I understand that you are angry and I cannot begin to understand how you must feel right now.”

Thorin stares out of the window. “What will this do? I already had Peter Jackson phone me this morning asking me about this email although at the time I had no idea what he was talking about. What the fuck do I say to him?”

Elrond shakes his head. “I honestly do not know Thorin. That is why we need to speak with Gandalf. He will put together a proper response that we’ll send out to everyone. You are not going to be expected to ring everyone back personally.”

Thorin snorts. “I will have to ring back some. I have known these people for years, Elrond!”

“I know, Thorin,” Elrond tries to sound calm, not wishing to antagonise his colleague. “But it is probably best if we handled this as impersonally as possible, don’t you think? The less you are involved with any of it, the more it will just fizzle out as some ex-employee’s little vendetta.”

Thorin looks at him. “And Kili? Has this been sent internally?”

“I don’t think so. Just you, me and Lindir within the company by the looks of it.”

Thorin sighs in relief. At least that is something.

“Look, we will forward it on to the police as well. As part of their investigation.”

“And exactly what is happening with their investigation?” How the fuck is this piece of filth not behind bars yet? He knows that that is not how things work. But he cannot help but think that if other people did their job properly he would not find himself in this situation right now.

“When I spoke to the case officer on Tuesday they had questioned him and released him on bail. She said they had also confiscated his computer and mobile phone. But she wouldn’t tell me any more than that.” He tries to gauge Thorin before he asks the next question. “Thorin, I assume that was Kili in that picture?” Thorin scowls at him, his stark blue eyes dark under his wide pupils.

“Sorry, I should not have asked. You don’t need to answer that,” Elrond flushes.

“It is,” Thorin says evenly.

Elrond nods. “And he … he works for John now? Do you want to inform him? In case anyone there has picked it up? Will you speak to Kili?”

“No,” Thorin answers curtly. “We will deal with this as quickly as possible. I am not having this bastard ruin Kili’s life. Again! He has done so well this week. We keep this under wraps. Do you understand me?” He looks directly at Elrond, his eyes hard and determined.

Elrond stares at Thorin. He is not at all sure if that is the best course of action. But Thorin is both the CEO and Kili’s partner. He nods. “Okay. If that is what you want.”

“It is,” Thorin says and he shoves back his chair, indicating that this unofficial meeting is now over.

“Are you going in to the office?” Elrond asks as he follows his lead, regretting the half-finished coffee before him.

“Yes,” Thorin says evenly. “I have work to do.” What else is he supposed to do? He does not want Kili to know about any of this. It would ruin him. And he is not going to let this scumbag turn his life upside down as he had clearly intended. The best course of action is just to get on with work. It always has been and it is what he does best. 


	29. Flower

He vaguely recalls Thorin giving him a goodbye kiss that morning but he'd been out cold. Last night had been fun. His colleagues were fun and he was so glad that they hadn't kicked him out of their group when they had found out he was Thorin's sweetheart. In hindsight and with a clear head it hadn't been his smartest move, but now he is glad that their secret is out. He wants his friends to know who has his heart. And he had meant what he had said to Thorin last night; he does not want to bother with anyone who does not accept that.

He takes his phone from his night stand and checks the time. Quarter past eleven. He decides to have a shower and then text Thorin to see if he's available to have lunch with him.

It still feels like he's living in a hotel as he steps into the luxurious walk-in shower. Every day he expects to wake up and find that it's all been a dream. To find himself back in his old flat readying himself to spend the evening servicing rich cock. How long has it been now since he last had to open up his body and close off his heart in order to survive? In some ways it feels like a lifetime ago, a previous life, a bad dream. And then on the other hand he still cannot quite shake off feeling like he's just here as Thorin's toy boy. And in a way he is. His accommodation, his job it is all thanks to Thorin and he is very aware that if his lover got bored with him he could be out on streets again with but a flick of his finger. Not that he thinks Thorin is that type of guy, but then Kili's old and wise enough to no longer believe in romantic fairy tales. All he can do is just be himself and hope that Thorin is as crazy about him as he is about his older lover. And if not then he will just have to enjoy it while it lasts.

It's still wondrous, that feeling of being in love. Other than a couple of childish crushes when he was still at school he had never felt his heart flutter like that for anyone. He had never believed in the whole true love and love at first sight nonsense. Up until now. But with Thorin...  He wants to spend every waking and sleeping moment with him. He never feels happier and safer than when Thorin's arms are holding him and his lips are kissing him.

He still doesn't get why him. Other than a good fuck, what does he have to offer Thorin in return for all his generosity?

He turns the shower back off and grabs a fluffy towel from the towel rail.

He wonders what life will look like a year from now. He had never glanced that far into the future before. What was the point? Previously there was no future other than the thought of getting pounded raw for another year. And it was best to not think about that or he'd have topped himself a long time ago. When you did that sort of work you lived day by day, from fix to fix.

He hasn't had any grass since Thorin took away his last stash. The first week had been hell. It had felt like he had needed a smoke in order to breathe. But his head had cleared remarkably quickly thereafter and Thorin had kept him busy to keep his mind from focusing on his addiction. He still occasionally craved for it. When he felt self-conscious mostly and could do with something to take the edge off life's expectations. But he could push it away now; ignore it enough until the urge subsided. As long as he kept his mind busy.

He pulls a fresh pair of jeans out of the wardrobe and one of Thorin's nice shirts. He loves the feel of the soft cotton against his skin but more than that he loves the lingering smell of Thorin's aftershave on the fabric. It sends little tingles of excitement through him. He wishes Thorin was here right now. He'd have him under the sheets with him in no time. Sex with Thorin has been amazing. After sixteen years of prostituting himself, his inexperienced sweetheart has been the one to teach him something new - how to make love. And although the motions were the same, the feelings were galaxies apart.

The guy makes him horny like nothing else. It feels like he is making up for over a decade of being deprived of a normal sex life. He loves Thorin every which way they end up making love, but he especially loves it when his sweetheart surrenders himself to him. Knowing how special that is for the both of them – for Thorin to relinquish his need for control and for Kili to share with him the one thing that he has always safeguarded.

With a bright glowing smile he picks up his mobile again, feeling a little frisky now. His love's blue grey eyes and shy smile flash up when he opens him up in his contacts. He selects Thorin's personal mobile and presses there call button. The phone rings through and then goes to answer machine.

''Hey sexy, you wanna meet for lunch today, miss you loads! Love you more than apple pie! Mwah''

He ends the call and pulls his ready rolled fags out of his pocket. As he stands on the balcony sucking the bad habit deep into his lungs, he looks out over this part of the city. And he thinks how ironic it is that he now finds himself in the mids of that part of society that openly shuns his very existence yet secretly provides the majority of the clientele that keeps Spartacus in business. People are just such hypocrites.

As he has finished his fag he pulls out his phone again and sends Thorin a text.

_Guess you are busy. I am going to catch a bus into town. Call me when you can. Otherwise see you tonight xxx Kee_

He stuffs his phone back in his pocket and closes the French doors behind him. Just as he is gathering his keys and wallet, he can hear the key in the front door and for a moment he is hopeful that it is Thorin. But as soon as he hears the footsteps he knows it is Tauriel.

“Morning Mr Durin,” she smiles as she sees Kili. “No work today?” Her English is still very basic, but over the past couple of weeks they have managed to exchange a few broken sentences between them. She is nice enough and if she has any thoughts about her boss now having a gay live-in partner she keeps those to herself.

“No, I don’t work on Fridays,” he smiles. “How are you?”

“Good thank you Mr Durin.”

“Please call me Kili,” he smiles, but he has said it every time she has come here and he knows she probably never will.

“Mr Oakenshield work today?”

“Yes, Thorin is at work.”

She smiles shyly. “Mr Oakenshield love you much.”

Kili blushes. “Why do you say that?”

Tauriel puts her fingers to her lips and shakes her head, realising she has said too much. “He’s good man. You lucky man.”

Kili’s smile is almost dazzling. “I am. Thanks Tauriel. I am going to town now. See you later. Hope I didn’t leave too much of a mess.” Tauriel smiles a non-comprehending smile at him and he waves a _don’t worry_ hand at her.

As he closes the door behind him he feels a little guilty. He cannot get used to someone coming into his house and cleaning up after him whilst he is going out enjoying himself. But at the same time he knows that it is just a job, no different to any other job and a whole lot better than selling your body. Everyone plays their own part in this crazy game called life and unfortunately some people’s dice roll more favourably than others’.

***

As Kili hears the front door open he quickly switches off the lights and hides in the bedroom. Thorin never did return his call or message today so he had guessed he must have had a particularly hectic day and he hopes that this will be a nice surprise for him.

“Oh wow,” he can hear Thorin say as he enters the living room. “This is lovely.”

Kili walks into the room, grinning at his lovely one, holding out a large bouquet of red roses.

Thorin looks at him in surprise. “What’s all this about?”

Kili shrugs as he hands him the flowers and presses a long kiss against his lips. “Nothing. Just wanted you to know how wonderful you are and how much I love you.”

Thorin takes a deep breath. “Oh sweetheart,” he whispers. “That is so very sweet. You are so very sweet. And I love you so much too.” And glances around at the laid table, the candles and the bottle of wine. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Nothing,” Kili smiles. “Just what you just said.”

Thorin takes the flowers to the sink and fills a vase with water. “These are really beautiful, my flower,” he smiles. He wishes that the smile would reach his eyes, but instead he is biting back tears and he has to turn himself away to make sure Kili doesn’t see his upset. He is grateful for the soft candlelight that hides the glint in his eyes.

Dinner is wonderful as always. For all Kili’s modesty Thorin thinks he is a very good cook. But he is struggling to eat it all as he has been plagued by stomach pains all afternoon. He knows it is stress. It always gets his digestive system first.

“This is lovely, my sweetheart,” he smiles softly. “I feel really bad, but I am not feeling so good.”

Kili pulls a worried frown, “Oh babe, what’s up?” He gives Thorin a cheeky grins. “Too much to drink last night, had we?”

Thorin smirks, “Yeah, maybe. I am getting old.”

Kili giggles loudly. “Yeah.”

“Alright, you didn’t need to agree quite so readily with me,” Thorin frowns playfully. Although in reality he does feel like he has aged about ten years today. “Would you mind if we had an early night tonight?” As he sees Kili’s eyes light up, he adds with regret, “Just cuddles. I am really not very well today. I am really sorry, my lovely.”

“That’s okay,” Kili says grabbing Thorin’s hand. “Anything I can get you?”

“Just lots of cuddles and kisses.”

“That I can do,” Kili smiles as he starts to clear the table.

When he walks into the bedroom Thorin is already down to his boxers. “What a lovely sight you are, even when you are ill,” he smiles. “Tauriel is right, I am a very lucky man.” Thorin raises an eyebrow at his housekeeper seemingly having had a conversation with Kili about him. But Kili shoos him into bed. “Come come, under the blankets with you,” he smiles and he sits himself next to Thorin as he strokes lovingly through his hair.

“Are you not coming to bed with me?” Thorin asks softly.

“I will. I just wanna show you something,” Kili smiles nervously. “Did something a little crazy today.”

“Oh?”

Kili starts to slowly unbutton his shirt. “I hope you like it,” he says shyly.

As he drops the shirt onto the bed, Thorin looks in confusion at the bandage across Kili’s chest. “What have you done?” he asks worriedly.

But Kili carefully peels part of the bandage lose. “Just something that reminds me of you,” he says softly.

Thorin looks at the little dandelion tattoo pulsing angrily in Kili’s skin, over his heart, and he gasps. “That’s beautiful.”

“Do you really like it?” Kili asks nervously. He knows he had taken a risk. Neither of them have had any tattoos up till now and he had no idea how Thorin would feel about it.

“My little flower,” Thorin smiles warmly and he pulls Kili’s lips towards him. Suddenly his dam breaks and his feelings spill over as a couple of tears run riot over his cheeks.

“Thorin?” Kili’s eyes flutter open. “Are you okay?”

Thorin nods. “Yeah, just a little emotional, my special one,” he lies. Well, it is a half-truth. But it makes him feel more determined than ever to protect his Kili.


	30. Work-Life Balance

He spends the night tossing and turning and he actually does feel physically ill. The worst is this feeling of being so utterly powerless. He can deal with stress; he has played the games of business competition, the cut throat world of financial investment for long enough. But once you know the rules of the game it is easy enough to manipulate them to your own benefit. He has no issue dealing with irate customers, hard-nosed competition or tumbling stock exchanges. Those are all part of the excitement and for every failure there will be a success around the corner. As long as you know how to move your pieces around it is easy enough to stay on the leaderboard.

But never in his life has he had to deal with people so depraved, so downright evil.

Dirty games were being played within his industry all the time and he too had lost business to underhand dealings by competitors. And although he had never been the subject of a smear campaign before, he had seen others go through it; and some had come out okay and others had not.

He could have dealt with it. If it had been anything else, any other dirt someone would have tried to pin on him, tried to blackmail him over or drag his name through the mud for, he could have dealt with it somehow. But not his Kili. They had touched what was most sacred to him. And Kili did not deserve any of this. He had already suffered enough in his life, already had his reputation torn to shreds and his name soiled through none of his fault.

He cannot get the picture of Kili displayed and for sale like that out of his head. He knows he is a hypocrite for it. He would never have met Kili if he had not been one of those to buy his services. But now that he is his partner the notion sickens him. For an instance he wonders how many men have laid their hands on Kili, but he pushes the thought away, deep down into his unconsciousness. Maybe he is a coward. But there is no point in torturing himself over something he can no longer change. He does not want to think of his Kili like that. He wants to think of him as the wonderful, sensitive man who lies next to him now, so blissfully unaware of what has been going on.

He pulls his sleeping love closer to him, breathing in his scent. He might not be able to change his past but he will make sure he makes his future better. Their future…

Kili has such a good heart. He can be childish and naïve and his temper is unpredictable. But who can blame him for any of that? He has led a life that is completely out of the ordinary. He had lost the end of his childhood in the most appalling of ways and lived a life that Thorin could never begin to understand. He is like one of those feral children, brought up by wolves and brought back into society as an adult, forced to fit in with all the rules and expectations of civilisation but never truly fitting in, always containing a wild streak about them. In that respect Kili had done well enough, getting a job, making friends.

He would not let this inhuman piece of dirt ruin that for him. Kili did not need to know. It could be contained. The mitigation email had gone out yesterday to all those on the original distribution list and also the CEOs of those companies.

He had had a raging argument with Gandalf, his press officer the previous day.

“So where has this come from, Thorin?” he had asked. “Who is this man, this Kili?”

“He is my partner,” Thorin had answered evenly.

Gandalf was a stubborn old goat in his opinion and they did not get on well. But he was good at what he did. His external communications were definitely more tactful than Thorin's. And that was how things should be. Whereas Thorin could normally afford to upset people in order to get what he wanted, Gandalf was the one to smooth talk the business out of trouble and into favour as and when required. They did not have to like each other. They just needed to recognise each other's skill and when to apply it.

“Then why does this make out like he is a rent boy?”

Thorin had glared angrily at him. “Because he used to be.”

“Jezus Christ, Thorin, what the hell are you getting involved with someone like that for?”

“What is that supposed to mean? Someone like what exactly?” Thorin has raised his voice.

“A prostitute,” Gandalf had glared back. “A male prostitute, Thorin!”

“He does not do that work anymore. Anyway, I am sorry, I must be mistaken, but are you telling me who I can and cannot date?” he had sneered.

“I am here to look after the interests of your company,” Gandalf had answered flatly. “And it appears that whoever you have chosen to date has brought the company name in disrepute. So on that basis, yes, I suppose I am questioning your decision to get involved with such a person.”

“Such a person?” Thorin had bit back as the man had continued to insult his loved one.

“Stop acting all innocent, Thorin, you know as well as I do how the world turns. I don’t care who you sleep with as long as it doesn’t end up on my desk like this.” And he had waved the printout of Kili’s exposed position at him, making Thorin spit feathers even more.

“Who do you think you are? I am not going to sit here listening to you lecture me over my relationship,” he had spat back. “This is not about who I choose to spend my life with. This is about an ex-employee digging up dirt on me and those I love because he has a grudge.” He had felt his anger rising and his voice with it. “An ex-employee who was sacked because he assaulted someone on company premises and is now under police investigation for child pornography. Let us not forget who the villain is here, Gandalf. Now you would do well to remember that your job is not to give me relationship advice. It is to tell me how to minimise the damage this dirtbag has caused.”

Gandalf had stared at him silently for a while. He was a veteran in his field and one who did not really need to work. He was well past the retirement age, but he was not the type to sit behind the geraniums watching Jeremy Kyle. So he had continued doing what he loved. Thorin might be his employer, but he was not his boss. Nonetheless for all his flaws he respected Thorin. He was an excellent businessman and a determined but fair leader.  “Do not give him or anyone else any ammunition would be my first advice,” he had calmly stated. “But now that we find ourselves here … “ He had pulled a piece of paper and a pen towards him, always preferring the old fashioned method, “… we had best write a response to the recipients of this particular email.”

 

> _Dear …_
> 
> _It has come to my attention that an unsolicited email was sent to you calling into question my integrity and that of Oakenshield Investments plc. This email has now been passed to the metropolitan police for further investigation._
> 
> _I would like to take this opportunity to assure you that Oakenshield Investments plc has and always will treat your investment portfolio with the utmost care. We pride ourselves in providing you with excellent customer service whilst ensuring the best return on your investments. I personally guarantee that our diverse asset classes have a sustainable competitive edge and are socially responsible in line with your chosen portfolio structure._
> 
> _Should you have any further concerns following the email you received, please do not hesitate to contact my press office on the below number._
> 
> _Many thanks for your continued custom._
> 
> _Yours sincerely_
> 
> **_Thorin Oakenshield_ **
> 
> _Chief Executive Officer and Director General_
> 
> _Oakenshield Investments Plc_

He had read it over twice, making little tweaks here and there, but in the end he had been satisfied with Gandalf’s proposal. They were not going to apologise for anything as neither the company nor Thorin would take any responsibility for the email. Each email would be addressed personally, to demonstrate the care and personal relationship that Oakenshield Investments prided itself on. And foremost they would offer no further reference to the matter raised in the original email. All their customers needed to know was that their funds were safe and invested in a responsible manner.

“I will handle all queries,” Gandalf had stated. “I want you completely out of the picture. As far as Oakenshield Investments is concerned this email is complete nonsense and has nothing to do with you. And with a little luck our customers have some sense about them and this matter will just blow over.”

Thorin could only hope …

 

He slides out of bed, making sure not to wake Kili. As he makes his morning coffee he is waiting for his laptop to boot back up whilst simultaneously checking his work emails on his mobile. All thoughts of taking Kili away for a nice romantic weekend away have been pushed to the bottom of the list. He is behind on his work now and has deadlines to meet. All of this shit with Alfrid has taken up far too much of his time.

He spends a good couple of hours tapping away on his laptop, writing the board presentation he had intended to finish yesterday and reading the stats that his Sales Manager for his other company has sent him. At least whilst he is emerged the piles of work his mind remains focused on what he can deal with and he doesn’t have time to spare for anything he doesn’t want to think about right now.

“Thorin?” Kili appears in the doorway a little while later, his hair peaking wildly.

Thorin throws him a distracted smile. “Morning sweet,” he answers as he continues to type a response to an email.

“Are you feeling better?” Kili purrs as he wraps his arms around him. He glances over at the screen. “Why are you working? It’s Saturday,” he states.

“Hm, need to catch up on things, sweetpea. Work is a little hectic at the moment.”

Kili feels a little sadness settle inside him. He had hoped to have Thorin to himself for a couple of days. “Are you going to be long?” he asks.

“I don’t know, Kili, however long it takes,” Thorin bites at him as he is taken out of his concentration. He can feel Kili shrink away from him and turns his head towards him. “Sorry, flower,” he sighs. “I just need to finish this, okay. Could you just leave me to it for a moment? Then once I have finished this maybe we can do something nice together.”

“Sure,” Kili smiles and gives Thorin a kiss on his cheek. He finds his fags and as has his vapoured breakfast on the balcony.

Then he reads a magazine for a while. Watches some television. Has another fag. Plays a game on his phone. All the while the clock ticks on and soon announces it is gone one o’clock in the afternoon. He glances over at Thorin, but his lover still seems completely engrossed in his work. He decides to chance it anyway. “Hey babe,” he purrs, “I am hungry. Would you like to grab some lunch.”

“I’m not hungry. You can if you want,” Thorin replies without looking up.

Kili walks up to him. “I don’t want to go on my own,” he whines softly. “I want to have lunch with you. Want to spend a little time with my sexy boyfriend.”

Thorin glances up, annoyed to have been interrupted from his train of though. “Kee, I am in the middle of something.”

“You were in the middle of something three hours ago,” Kili frowns. Then he snaps, “But fine, if you rather spend time looking at your emails than at me then suit yourself.”

He is about to turn away and storm out, when Thorin grabs his arm. “You are right, I’m sorry, baby.” Kili turns back and is relieved to see a smile in Thorin’s face. “I would much rather look at you. Never doubt that.” He pushes his screen down and raises himself up. Then he pulls Kili into his arms, snuggling his face into the hollow of his shoulder. “Sorry, sweetpea,” he whispers. “I was being rude. Let’s go do something nice together.”

“Yay,” Kili smiles softly, squeezing his lover.

***

“Where would you like to go then?” Thorin asks as he reverses his sportscar out of the garage. He presses the remote to lower the tilting door and looks over at Kili, who is grinning brightly.

“I don’t know. Just somewhere nice. Out of the city.”

Thorin nods. It is a lovely day and he regrets having wasted much of it already fretting about work. He must not fall into old bad habbits, he reminds himself. Life is too precious, Kili is too precious. He needs to remember what is important in his life now. “I know somewhere,” he smiles. “It is a little way out, but it is very special.”

Kili hums contently as the powerful car flies over the roads and takes them out of the hustle and bustle of city life towards the greenery of the countryside. It is strange how it feels like a peacefulness settles over him the minute the city disappears from view. He misses living out in the country. Those couple of weeks in the cottage had been really wonderful. It had allowed him to really forget his past life for a while.

“Where are we going then, babe?” he asks as they leave the motorway and dive deeper into the winding country roads, climbing the hills of the surrounding fields.

“It’s a place called Arthur’s Stone,” he smiles. “I grew up around here and my dad took me there a couple of times when I was young. It is a Neolithic tomb that has lots of legends associated with it. I know how much you like to read the old Arthurian tales.”

Kili beams, “Oh I do! Thank you, Thorin.”

“And then we will pop in to Hay-on-Wye to get something to eat. I think you will like it there. The whole town is filled with quaint little bookshops.”

Kili is brimming with excitement. On the days that Thorin is working and he is not he devours books like nothing else. They even had to buy a new bookcase for the spare room to add to his collection and although Thorin had given him his Kindle, he still loves the feel of the old fashioned paper prints in his hands. “You are the best, you know,” he smiles at Thorin.

“We haven’t even got there yet,” Thorin smiles back. “You might be woefully disappointed.”

“With you? Never!”

When they finally reach the top of the hill and pull up next to the prehistoric monument Kili’s mouth falls open. “You … you can just walk up to it?” he asks, stunned.

Thorin nods. “You can sit on it if you want. That is what I intend to do. Come, sweet,” he says as he steps out of the car. “Let’s get some sunshine.”

The place is deserted. They are in the middle of nowhere and Kili cannot believe that something so old and sacred is just here, open to the touch. He walks around, reading the little signs with information, and feels utterly overwhelmed. He has read about these things but he has never seen something this old ever in his life. He feels infinitely small and humbled.

Thorin has climbed on top of the immensely large flat stone that covers the burial chamber and rest himself back on his elbows, watching Kili with glee. This is a very special place. The view is mind blowing, overlooking the rolling hills with not a sign of civilisation in sight. And the stones themselves pulse with the secrets that they hold of times long forgotten. Thorin always used to imagine what things would have been like when these were placed here. And all the things that the stones would have seen in the thousands of years to follow if they had had eyes. These stones are said to date back as far as 3700 BC and the notion it is humbling.

“Oh it says here that legend tells that King Arthur slew a giant here,” Kili calls out. Thorin smiles at him. Seeing Kili this excited is exactly what he had aimed for. Kili walks up to the stones themselves now and tentatively places a hand on them, as if he is touching a living being. He peaks inside the collapsed chamber and then his head pops back up again, grinning and eyes gleaming. “This is amazing!” he exclaims as he clambers on top to sit next to Thorin. “Thank you so much for bringing me here.”

“You are welcome,” Thorin smiles warmly, putting his arm around Kili and giving him a chaste kiss. “Thank you for being with me so I can share these things with you.”

They sit in silence for a while, just enjoying the peacefulness of the setting and basking in the warm sun. Then Kili scrawls closer to Thorin and pushes him back down, his lips seeking Thorin’s. His lover stills for a moment, before he relaxes into the snog. They are alone. He knows this place is not very frequently visited, which is why he loves it so much. Visitors do come here. But for now they are alone.

Kili’s mouth is warm and wet as it presses deep against his own and as his hands run over Kili’s back, drawing him in closer, he can feel the hunger rise in him. Kili’s tongue darts needily in and out of his mouth and he can feel his growing erection press against his thigh. He feels nervous, being so exposed here. But it is also thrilling as his hands roam hard over Kili’s soft form. He groans softly as Kili’s hand cups his parts through his trousers, rubbing at him as the lust flows between his legs.

He opens his eyes and finds Kili watching him, his hazel eyes sparkling with excitement.

“Wanna …?” Kili breathes against his lips.

Thorin is not sure. He does not want to cause anyone any offence and he really does not want anyone turning up just as they are in the middle of doing it. But they can play a little bit more. He pushes Kili back and runs his tongue along the side of his neck. Kili’s hands are tugging at his belt attempting to release him. Thorin pulls Kili’s zip down and teases his fingers inside his fly, running over the clothed bulge underneath . They are both very hard now and he would love nothing more than to rip Kili’s clothes off him and fuck him hard on top of the ancient stones.

He jolts up, flushing deeply as he can hear a car approach along the long access road. “Shit,” he hisses and is already re-buckling his belt. Kili pulls his zip back up and lets Thorin guide him off the stones as the stumble towards Thorin’s car, just as the other car appears on the horizon.

Kili is giggling loudly as he flops down into the passenger seat. “That was close,” he chuckles.

“Too close,” Thorin pants and as the other car pulls up next to them and a family get out he blushes. But his want is still pulsing between his legs and the fact that they almost got caught has just added to his excitement.

Kili waits until the family have abandoned their car and have walked towards to monument, before he runs his fingers along Thorin’s thigh, creeping up towards his crotch. “Made me horny now,” he winks at Thorin as he starts to nibble at his biceps.

Thorin grins back and puts his car in reverse. “We had better find somewhere quiet so I can help you with that predicament then,” he winks. And Kili groans as he bites him softly, his hands sliding between Thorin’s legs as he recommences his efforts to pleasure his lover through his trousers. This day is turning out better than expected after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Arthur's Stone is a real prehistoric monument in Hereforshire, UK, close to the border with Wales. I have visited it many times and it is truly awe-inspiring. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arthur's_Stone,_Herefordshire
> 
> http://www.hay-on-wye.co.uk/


	31. Thorin's Kink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lots of smut and lots of fluff :)  
> This chapter seemed to have gotten a life of its own and Thorin clearly had a different agenda to from what I set out to write, so hope it has turned out okay. If not, I blame him entirely!

Thorin knows this area well and yet is seems ages before he finds the secluded pull-in place he is looking for. Not helped by the fact that Kili has taken the liberty to unzip his trousers display himself, stroking himself teasingly in Thorin’s peripheral vision.

“Jeeze, babe,” Thorin pants as he struggles to keep his eyes on the road. “How the hell am I supposed to drive with you doing that next to me?”

Kili shrugs and licks his lips. “You had best pull over soon then.”

“I am trying to!” Thorin squeaks in frustration. He is rock hard himself and Kili's naughtiness is really not making this very easy. “Shit Kee, we’re going to get arrested. Will you just put that away!”

“Nope,” Kili teases as he runs his hand up and down a little faster, relaxing back in the soft leather seats. “You just concentrate on the road. I am doing quite fine here, thank you.”

Thorin narrows his eyes, but there is a smirk around his lips. “I am sure you are.” Then his hand slides over, fumbling blindly between Kili’s legs. Kili’s hand is quick to grab his and guide him to the right place until he feels the hot bare flesh of Kili’s cock against his palm. He gentle strokes over Kili’s tip, feeling the wetness already there coat his fingers, before he returns his hand to the steering wheel. “It’s around here somewhere,” he whispers heatedly, his own erection achingly straining against his trousers. If he doesn’t find the lay-by soon he might just scream.

Kili teases his hand over his thigh, stroking ever higher until he presses against his balls, making Thorin growl softly, before he suddenly swerves, making Kili scream out.

“Sorry, nearly missed it,” Thorin apologises as they come to an abrupt stop. He pops loose his seatbelts as grabs hold of Kili by the scruff of his neck, pulling him hard towards him, biting down onto his mouth. “Want you so badly,” he groans into his lover’s mouth as his hand wraps around Kili’s hard shaft, running his hand in firm strokes up and down. He groans as his hip wedges itself underneath the steering wheel as he tries to turn more into Kili; this is not working out. He looks over his shoulder. “Want to go into the back?” he pants.

Kili nods and within moments they are outside, yanking the soft leather seats forward to try and squeeze themselves into the back seat.

“Next time I’m buying a truck!” Thorin grumbles as he wurms his tall frame into the back. Kili yanks at his shirt, causing him to topple backwards into the seat. It is really not the most comfortable car to be doing this in, especially when you are a tall guy. But then he did not buy this car with the intention of getting laid on the back seats. As they find themselves sat side by side, separated by centre console with the cup holders, looking as if they are about to be chauffeured somewhere, they both burst out laughing. “This is probably the least romantic thing ever,” Thorin groans as he attempts to wrap his arms around Kili, not succeeding particularly well.

“Don’t know about romantic, but it’s fucking hot though,” Kili grins. “Ever since you first turned up in this beauty I have been dreaming about you blowing me off in it.”

Thorin looks in surprise into his sweetheart’s face, loving the heated blush there. “Really now?” he grins, taking his lover’s sword in his palm again, his mouth watering. “Well, let’s see what I can do about that.”

He shuffles his backside as far into the corner as he can in order to bend himself down toward Kili’s cock. He swipes his tongue across the tip, tasting him and drawing a wanton hiss from Kili’s lips as the brunet digs his hands into his hair. Slowly Thorin begins to lower his mouth over Kili’s crown, massaging the soft pink head with his lips.

“Oh yum,” Kili groans as he leans himself back against the fawn leather. Thorin has been on the receiving end more often than the giving one of this particular treat and Kili is tingling with excitement as he is slowly taken deeper into his hot mouth. “Really … good …” he pants.

Thorin lets him drop from his mouth as grins up at him. “Pants off, flower.”

“You too,” Kili smiles cheekily at him. “Wanna have something to hold on to whilst you are deep-throating me,” he winks.

They laugh as they wriggle themselves into awkward shapes to try and remove their clothes. And after a few cramped and claustrophobic moments their bare bottoms drop down onto the cold leather.

“Back to it, sexy,” Kili demands and Thorin sinks himself down towards his sweetheart’s crotch again. Kili’s hand finds Thorin’s hardness and he squeezes him gently but firmly. “Looking forward to this,” he sighs heatedly.

“Spread them then, sweetpea,” Thorin pushes Kili’s legs apart. He takes his fingers into his mouth and sucks them wet. “Will that be okay?” he asks, before he brings them towards Kili’s backside.

“Yeah fine,” Kili urges him to get on with it and he spreads himself even wider in eager anticipation of the penetration.

He grunts softly as Thorin’s finger begins to probe against his entrance and he bucks his hips a little, seeking that warm wetness again. Thorin obliges and takes him back into his mouth, working his tongue around his hot shaft and flicking across the moist tip. Slowly his finger sinks into the soft heat of Kili’s butt.

“Another, babe,” Kili moans. “Please, just finger me hard.”

Thorin raises an eyebrow at Kili’s urgency, but quickly provides the second finger as requested.

“Aaaah yes,” Kili wriggles. “That’s good! Hard, baby. Want it hard.”

Thorin swallows Kili’s sweet pre-cum as he drives his fingers harder inside Kili’s backside. He bobs his mouth along Kili’s cock in the same rhythm as his finger fucking, the deep grunts of his sweetheart like music in his ears. And he knows right away when he has hit the jackpot when Kili bucks himself up inside his mouth, causing him to gag.

“S…sorry,” Kili pants, but already Thorin is dragging over his prostrate again, probing him harder as he takes him deeper in his mouth. “Sweet … heart,” he warns Thorin, tugging softly at his long hair.

Thorin takes a breath. “Come,” he whispers. He hasn’t swallowed before. He has no issue with the taste of his lover’s sex on his tongue, in fact he rather enjoys it. But there is just something about the thought of swallowing cum that freaks him out a little. Yet he loves that feeling of coming down Kili’s throat and he thinks it is only fair he tries it at least once.

“You … sure?” Kili whimpers, but as soon as Thorin takes him in deep again he is gone already and within moments he releases his load inside his lovers mouth with a soft groan as Thorin continues to prod his sweet spot through his orgasm.

When he opens his eyes again, Thorin is resting his head on his thighs, still fingering him open, whilst playing with his softening cock. “Nice?” he grins. Taking Kili’s seed down his throat was not anywhere near as bad as he had thought and the look on Kili’s wiped face is worth every drop.

“Fuck, babe, so nice!” Kili sighs. “And that is still nice,” he wriggles himself down onto Thorin’s fingers.

Thorin grins before he gently draws his fingers back, stretching himself upright as his neck is getting cramped and the centre console is digging uncomfortably into his ribs.

“Have sex with me,” Kili pulls his lips towards his, sucking at his bottom lip.

Thorin looks around the interior of his precious car and tries to figure out how on earth they are going to do that. “Outside,” he concludes.

Kili smiles brightly, not needing to be told twice. They wriggle themselves back out of the low car until they are standing outside in the little secluded spot, their bottom halves completely naked with the warm breeze caressing their exposed skin. Kili loves how free it feels and promises himself they will be doing a lot more of this over the summer.

Thorin is already behind him and pushes him up against his car. “You’d better not be getting cum stains on my paint work,” he whispers hotly in Kili’s ear.

“If you have done your job properly then you don’t need to worry about that,” Kili hisses back deviously, pushing his arse back, dragging himself against Thorin’s hardness.

At that Thorin roughly pushes his legs wide apart and prods his index finger inside his ass again. “Don’t get cheeky with me, flower,” he smiles.

“Or what?” Kili wriggles his backside over the probing finger.

“Or … I … ehm …” Thorin laughs. “Oh fuck it, I am just useless at this dirty talk. Just shut up and take it,” he bites down on Kili’s neck sucking his mark into his skin before he spits into his other hand to lubricate his cock. “You want more lube?”

“Yeah please, in my back pocket,” Kili smiles. He wants Thorin to pound him hard and he doesn’t want to tear anything and be out of action for even a day.

Thorin pulls back his finger and pushes Kili gently out of the way of the door as he rummages through his jeans and then tears open the little sachet. “Over the bonnet, you,” he beams as he pushes Kili into the desired place.

“Really?” Kili teases. “Handprints on your perfect paintwork?”

“I will make you polish her tomorrow,” Thorin whispers as he bends Kili low over the warm bonnet of his car.

He glances around, just to make sure they are definitely alone. But this is so remote that there really is little chance that someone will walk in one them. He squeezes the contents of the sachet into his hand and slicks himself generously, rubbing the remnants of the oily substance between Kili’s cheeks. His shaft feels red hot now with anticipation. This is something he has dreamt of doing for so long and making his secret fantasy come true with Kili is making him shiver with delightful anticipation.

He runs his hand over the soft flesh of his lover’s back and then grabs a handful of his lush long hair, pulling his head back a little as he lines himself up. “Love you,” he pants as he pushes himself into Kili with one slow but uninterrupted motion.

“Love you … too,” Kili draws in a sharp breath at the initial stretch. Thorin had prepared him quite quickly this time and as always it takes him just a few breaths to get used to Thorin’s girth. “Hm, big boy,” he grins as he is stretched to his maximum. “Give me all you’ve got, babe.”

Thorin’s breath hitches as he draws himself back only to pounds himself inside Kili’s tight heat again with verve. “You best hold on tight then,” he growls softly, and he digs his fingers hard into Kili’s hips, pulling and slapping him back against his pelvis over and over.

Kili can do little more than just go with Thorin’s demanding thrust and pulls, but he is not complaining; not one bit. “Oh yes, sexy … like it when … unf … you fuck me hard.” He can feel Thorin’s sack slap against him as his own cock swings wildly with the vigorous thrusts.

Kili’s heat gripping his cock is delicious. Normally he prefers the sweet romantic love making that they enjoy between the sheets, but every so often to just have wild rampant sex for the pure pleasure of it is wonderful. And with the sun beaming down on the both of them as they work themselves into a sweat the ecstasy of it all is making him dizzy. 

He laughs softly and Kili glances over his shoulder. “What you giggling about?”

Thorin slows his thrusts and all of a suddenly he has the giggles, making Kili judder on his cock.

“What?!” Kili squeals.

“I don’t know,” Thorin tries his best to stop laughing. “This … It’s just … I can’t believe I am standing here in the middle of nowhere dogging my boyfriend over the bonnet of my car. This is so not me!” He cannot stop laughing now. This whole thing is surreal and hilarious really. 

Kili moves himself so that Thorin slips out of him. He grabs his hand and drags him towards the grassy verge, pushing him onto his back, whilst Thorin is still chuckling. “What are you doing?” he laughs.

Kili turns his back and straddles his lover, grabbing his cock and guiding it towards his backside as he lowers himself down. “Having a little fun,” he smiles. “And taking charge, since you have clearly lost it.”

“I’m sorry,” Thorin chuckles and he rests himself onto his elbows as he lets Kili ride him. This is how life should always be, he thinks. Having fun, having sex. Being in love. “Oh darling,” he groans as Kili sets an unforgiving pace, pounding himself down hard onto Thorin’s cock. “That’s really good ...”

“Good,” Kili groans, as he impales himself with lustful energy. He can feel Thorin’s thighs tense as he approaches his climax. Kili licks his lips as he watches Thorin’s cock slide in and out of his body. He reaches down between his legs and teases a finger over lover’s sack, making Thorin hiss and buck. Then Thorin's hands grab his hips and slam him down, holding him in place as Thorin releases into him.

He grunts deeply as he comes undone inside Kili’s backside. His fingers are digging deep bruises into his sweetheart’s hips as he fills him with his hot seed with shuddering thrusts. He closes his eyes as he gives in to the wonderful sensation that starts in his prick but spreads into every fibre of his body. He can feel the grass tickling his backside and the sun is adding to the heat in his face and all the while he thinks that this is a dream. A wonderful wet dream.

When he is spent he pulls Kili back down onto his back and wraps his arms tight around him, kissing him all over. “Oh babe,” he whispers. “I love you so much!”

“Love you too, chick,” Kili giggles as he grabs Thorin’s face between his hands and snogs him passionately, tasting the remnants of his own orgasm on his tongue.

Then Kili's stomach rumbles loudly in protest.

“Sorry sweetpea, forgot you were hungry,” Thorin smiles.

Kili snorts, “Was hardly going to pass on this treat in favour of a sandwich!” he smiles lovingly at Thorin, “So was that good for you, baby?”

“The very best,” Thorin blushes, smiling contently.

“Satisfied your fantasy alright? “

“Oh it sure did! And yours? Me getting a mouthful in the back of the Maz?”

“Hm,” Kili hums. “That was awesome, sexy. You are very good with your mouth. I'd hire you!” he winks.

Thorin stills. “Jezus, is that how you ...?”

“You didn’t really think you get interviewed at a desk and talk through your CV for a job like that now did you?” he laughs. “Let's just say it’s more of a practical assessment.” He is in fact rather proud of his previous job assessment. For all of Thranduil's cold demeanour he knows he had impressed the sassy pimp with his skill that day. It was not for nothing that he had bought Kili for himself on many occasions thereafter. He knew that despite his dismissive behaviour when Kili had resigned the silver blond man was pissed off with losing Kili as his little toy boy; Ori had text him how impossible Thranduil had been the days after Kili had left. And Kili had felt rather smug about it.

Thorin is nibbling softly at his neck, wanting to change the subject. “I suppose we’d better put our trousers back on,” he sighs.

Kili drags his nails across Thorin’s buttocks. “Hm. And have that sandwich.”

“And have that sandwich” Thorin agrees, laughing, and he pulls Kili to his feet. He looks at his watch, “Although it is nearer to dinner time already.”

Once they are dressed and seated in the car again, Thorin grins at Kili. “I really enjoyed that. Thank you, sweetpea.”

“You are most welcome,” Kili smiles back and leans over to give Thorin a soft kiss. “Rather enjoyed myself too.”

“Good. I was thinking …,” he says as he starts his car. “Maybe we get a B&B for tonight? I meant to have a romantic weekend away with you and I nearly ruined it by being a bit of a tosser this morning.”

“A lot of a tosser,” Kili adds.

“Okay, a lot of a tosser,” Thorin smiles, reprimanded. “But we can still do that? If you want to?”

Kili beams. “Oh yes! That sounds fun!”

“Have a look on  _furtherafield.com_ ,” Thorin smiles, handing Kili his phone. He had looked on there before when he had tried to find somewhere special to take Kili, wanting to ensure they would be welcomed wherever he picked.

As Thorin drives the car towards the little market town of Hay-on-Wye, Kili looks through the website. “This one sounds nice! It’s like in the middle of the countryside. Sounds really romantic.”

“Give them a call then,” Thorin smiles at Kili’s raw enthusiasm. “See if they have a vacancy for tonight?”

***

Kili flops down on the luxurious bed. “Oh soft!” he squeals.

Thorin lies down next to him and softly strokes through his hair. Kili smiles brightly. “Please tell me I do not sound like that,” he giggles, referring to their very kind but very camp host who had welcomed them and shown them their room.

Thorin laughs. “You don’t.” Then he frowns, worried. “I don’t either do I?”

Kili shakes his head, laughing out loud. “You have a wonderful deep voice, sexy. And you don’t do all the hand flapping either, thank god!” And he imitates the waving of palms towards his face. “Don't you just love it when people just reaffirm all the stereotypes!”

“Bless him,” Thorin winks. “So what stereotype am I then?”

“Randy rich business man with gorgeous toy boy?” Kili grins cheekily. 

“You cheeky little shit,” Thorin grabs him and tickles his sides making Kili squeal for mercy. They giggle and cuddle and kiss and just lie in each other's arms for a while, free from worries and the darkness of the past. 

Thorin gives Kili a soft kiss and gets up. “Okay if I just have a quick shower? And then we'll go and have dinner somewhere. Maybe that Indian restaurant that they recommended?”

“Okay sexy,” Kili accepts the kiss and picks up one of the tourist brochures.

When Thorin reappears out of the bathroom a little while later, wrapped in the soft white dressing gown that comes with the room, Kili is sat on the wide windowsill staring out of the window. 

“Are you okay, flower?” Thorin asks softly as he wraps his arms around Kili. 

“Yeah. Just looking at the view. It's amazing, isn't it. What a wonderful place to live, just overlooking green fields with not another house in sight. So very peaceful.”

Thorin is surprised. With Kili having lived his entire life in the city he was not expecting him to have such fondness for rural life. “It is lovely,” he agrees. He does miss village life, even though he hasn't lived out in the country for well over two decades. His wife was a proper city lass, loving the convenience of being able to buy a point of milk at four o'clock in the morning and being the in the centre of business and nightlife. And he suddenly realises that it was not just his sexuality he has buried deep for so long. There are many sides to him that have been forgotten over the years. Buried under paperwork and nights working late at the office and pretending to be someone that everyone else wanted him to be. “Would you like to live in the countryside?” he asks.

But Kili just shrugs. It doesn't matter what he would like. He lives where Thorin lives. And if Thorin ever got sick of him he would live where he could afford to. And it sure wouldn’t be somewhere like this! There is no point in having silly dreams. “Shall we go and get food? Frigging starving now!”

“Mind if I put some clothes on first?” Thorin jokes, stroking Kili's hair. He'd not intended staying away tonight so he'll just have to put his old clothes on.

***

They have decided to go with the recommendation of their hosts and are not disappointed. The restaurant is welcoming and the food smells amazing.

Kili looks at the menu and then at Thorin. “What do you recommend?” he asks, a little shyly.

Thorin looks at him. “Have you not had Indian before?” he asks carefully.

Kili shakes his head. “Sorry. You must think me so boring…”

Thorin laughs. “Hm, yes,” he smirks in a low voice, “boring is exactly what I was thinking earlier …” and he gives Kili a wink. “Do you like spicy food?” Kili shrugs, feeling a complete noob. “Well, if you are not sure start with something not too hot. There is korma or pasanda, which are both very mild. And masala is a little spicier but not too much.”

“I have no idea, babe. You just order something for me,” Kili puts the menu down with a sigh.

As they wait for their mains they are served some poppadums and Kili pokes them in wonder, making Thorin chuckle. But his brown-haired lover grins widely once he has tried the mango chutney. “Oh this is nice!”

“Good,” Thorin smiles. “Glad you enjoy. Do you like to try new things?”

Kili nods. “Yeah. Just feel a bit … you know. I am thirty and I have never tried these things. That’s a bit stupid isn’t it?”

Thorin reaches across and takes his hands in his. “Not stupid. If you’d led a normal life, you would have. But you didn’t. But that is not your fault.”

Kili pulls a face. Then he looks Thorin straight in the eye. “Why do you like me?”

Thorin is taken by surprise. That is not a question he was expecting at all. “Ehm … I …” He looks at Kili who stares up at him with his deep dark eyes. He rubs his thumbs over the tops of Kili’s hands. “I think you are sweet and that you have a big heart. You are funny and cheeky; you make me laugh like I haven’t laughed in years.” He smiles warmly at Kili. “You are clever and strong willed. I like that. You speak your mind; tell me when I am being a fool. Not many people have the guts to do that to my face.”

Kili smiles softly.

“What about me, Kili? What do you like about me?”

Kili snorts. “What is not to like about you?”

“Don’t play coy, Kili. Please tell me. Don’t you think I am just as insecure about myself as you are?”

At that Kili raises a surprised eyebrow before he softly squeezes Thorin’s hands. “I think you are amazing,” he whispers. “I … I have never felt this way about anyone. You are such a powerful, influential man and yet you are so kind to someone like me. You are sweet and romantic. You look after me. You … you treat me like a human being.”

“You are. Not only that, you are my boyfriend. You are the man I love. You …” He looks deep into Kili’s eyes as he holds his hands even tighter. “You are the one I want to spend the rest of my life with,” he says with as much sincerity as he can add into the brief sentence.  

Kili’s smiles broadens as his eyes widen. “You really mean that?”

“If that is what you want too,” he adds. “Kili,” he says softly, before the other has a chance to respond. “Do you feel like an equal in this relationship?”

“What do you mean?” Kili asks, confused.

Thorin sighs. “Sometimes it feels like you just go along with what I say and that you have to please me all the time. That you still feel like at any moment I will change my mind and put you out on the street. Maybe I am wrong and I am sorry if I have misjudged that, but …”

“You are not wrong,” Kili interrupts bashfully, looking down at the table. “It’s not that I don’t trust you …”

“I know,” Thorin says. “I get it. But Kee …” He waits for his younger lover to look at him again, “I feel the same. I too am worried that one day I’ll come home and you will have packed your bags and left me.”

“Why?”

“Same. It’s not that I don’t trust you. It’s just that I don’t understand why someone as handsome and sweet as you wants to be with a boring old fart like me who has wasted the best years of his life trying to be something he’s not.”

They smile shyly at each other and are only forced to let go of each other’s hands when dinner arrives.

“How is it?” Thorin asks when Kili has taken a few bites.

“It’s lovely!” Kili beams. “Really nice.”

They chit-chat about nothing important as they enjoy their meal. And Thorin feels a warmth inside him as Kili cleans his plate and then orders a dessert, when Thorin just has a coffee.

When he asks for the bill, Kili pulls his wallet out. “Please let me.”

Thorin wants to protest, but his mouth snaps shut and he nods, smiling. “Thank you, flower.” If he wants Kili to feel like an equal in this relationship then he needs to start treating him as such.

As they leave the restaurant Kili puts an arm around Thorin’s waist.

“This was so nice. Thank you, darling,” Thorin smiles as he puts his arm around Kili’s shoulders and presses a kiss against his temple.

“Thorin,” Kili says softly as they approach the car. “I do, you know. Want to spend the rest of my life with you, that is.”

Thorin stops and turns Kili to face him. Then he leans forward and presses a deep kiss against his lips. “As my equal,” Thorin smiles. “As … my husband?”

Kili’s mouth falls open. And Thorin stares at him in as much surprise that those words have just rolled off his tongue.

“Did you …” Kili cocks his head, “did you just propose to me?”

Thorin blushes. Did he? “I …”

Kili laughs and pulls him in for a kiss. “I’m just teasing you.”

“What would you say if I did?” Thorin asks softly, cursing himself for being such a fool.

“You will have to ask me properly one day,” Kili whispers against his lips. “And you will find out.”

***

As they return to the B&B they are invited to have a night cap with their hosts. Aron and Glyn are very nice people and Aron especially likes to talk. He has lived in this area all his life and Kili hangs on his lips as he tells of some of the old Celtic legends. It is the first time Thorin has knowingly met another gay couple and although they had not picked this particular B&B for that reason he finds it interesting to meet two people who are so established in their same-sex relationship.

“How long have you been together?” he asks Glyn as Aron and Kili are debating some myth or another.

“Fifteen years,” Glyn smiles as he pours the two of them another drink. “And we were amongst the first to get married this year!” He proudly shows off his wedding ring. And he proceeds to pull out the wedding album and show off the photos of their big day.

***

Kili is fast asleep with his head on his chest. Thorin’s hand continues to stroke his hair and place soft kisses on his head. He cringes again as he remembers his blabber mouth and curses himself for being such an idiot once more. He will propose to Kili. In fact he has already shown Tauriel the ring he has bought for him, a beautiful silver ring engraved with celtic runes. He had bought it just after Kili had moved in, when he had seen it in an antique shop and instantly had felt that that had Kili’s name written all over it. But now he is ten times as nervous that Kili will say no. It is too soon. They have not been together long. They are only just starting to get to know each other.

What does it matter though, the little voice in his head argues back. You know you love him. You are forty-two years old and you know more than anyone that it does not matter how well you know someone, you will never know all of them and marriages fail even after decades together. Live in the now. You love him. He makes you happy. Don’t you dare let him go.

He squeezes Kili a little tighter, drawing a sleepy groan from his lips. “I do love you,” he whispers softly. “I love you more than anything in this world, Kili.”

And with that he sinks into a deep sleep.


	32. Losing Control

He is awoken by a finger teasing between his legs. It is not often that Kili is awake before him and he decides to keep his eyes closed and keep up the pretence of sleep a little longer as he enjoys his lover taking advantage of him. He can feel Kili’s hot breath against his neck as his breath deepens with arousal and the brunet’s morning wood presses against his hips. He manages to keep up the appearance of sleep until Kili’s hand wraps firmly around his erection at which he lets out a soft groan in delight.

“Like that, baby?” Kili whispers against his neck, starting to lick him under his ear.

Thorin slowly open his eyes and he turns to face his sweetheart. “Mmm. This is a nice way to wake up,” he smiles.

Kili’s lips seek his into a soft kiss. Then he slowly manoeuvres himself on top of Thorin, rubbing his body down onto his. Thorin closes his eyes again as he lets Kili play with him, slowly opening him up, before he gently enters him.

“Sssh,” he places a silencing kiss on his lover’s lips, giggling softly, as Kili is uttering some delicious sounds. Doing this in someone else’s house is all kinds of wrong but all kinds of hot too.

Kili purses his lips as he rolls his hips, seeking the height of pleasure that only Thorin has been privy to. He pants and groans as softly as he can manage through their love making until he has to bite down hard onto Thorin’s shoulder to stifle his peaked moans.

Thorin closes his eyes as he wraps Kili into his strong embrace, enjoying their joining for as long as possible. “Little bunny,” he whispers in Kili’s ears who just glances at him, grinning.

“Woke up thinking about yesterday,” he whispers an explanation for his horniness. “I loved that, babe. Making love with you outside. And in the car.”

“Me too,” Thorin grins back. Kili turns onto his side now and snuggles himself back into Thorin’s embrace. “Thank you for being mine,” Thorin whispers as he kisses Kili softly, cuddling him in his arms. “What would you like to do today?” he asks, stroking Kili’s hair and back.

“Go back to Hay? Look around the bookshops?” Kili offers, looking up into Thorin’s eyes. And Thorin smiles brightly at him. This is a good start, Kili initiating a suggestion rather than leaving it up to him to make the decision.

***

They are welcomed downstairs by a very bright and chatty Aron. “Morning my lovelies!” he runs around, pulling the chairs at the breakfast table out. “Did you sleep well? What would you like for breakfast? Continental or full English? Or both?”

Kili and Thorin grin at each other, not used to such a flurry of excitement so early in the morning. They both order a full English – something to start them off well for the day – and then listen to Aron chat away again whilst Glyn is cooking their breakfast. He rattles on about the little sweet shop and the crystal shop and of course all the bookshops. And that inevitably leads to the topic of the Hay Festival of Literature, which will start in a couple of weeks and for which the B&B is already fully booked as it is every year. And all the way through Kili just wishes for a fag and Thorin smiles politely and nods at the right moments. The guy really is a nice, but they are both grateful that when breakfast is served they are left to eat in peace.

 

As they are almost finished Kili jolts as his phone buzzes in his pocket to announce a message. “Sorry,” he mumbles as he takes his phone out and unlocks the screen. He frowns as he reads the message.

 “Everything okay? “ Thorin asks with a little trepedation in his voice.

 “Dunno. It's from Fili. He says Lyn is having Braxton Hicks? Is that bad?”

 “Oh no, don't you worry honey,” Aron host chirps up as he has walked back into the breakfast room and waves the tea pot in front of them.  Thorin on this occasion is grateful for the uninvited input. “My sister had a baby boy two months ago. Gorgeous little thing he is. Braxton Hicks, they are like trial contractions. To help the mother prepare for the real thing. It’s nothing to worry about. Is that your sister?”

 “In-law, “Kili responds with a smile.

 “Is it her first?” Kili nods, beaming. “Oh how lovely! That is so exciting! All those little clothes that you can buy. Have you seen those tiny little shoes? They're just the most adorable! You don't think there could be anything that small! “Aron prattles on as he gathers their plates. “I'd love to have kids! I'd be happy to adopt. Now that Glyn and I are married its sort of the next step isn't it?“ he looks at Thorin who throws him a warning look. There has been far too much talk about babies and marriage recently. One step at a time!

 Aron seems to take the hint for once and leaves them to finish their hot drinks before they gather their up their coats, settle the bill, thank their hosts for their hospitality and leave with a promise to return soon.

 “They were lovely and all,” Kili sighs as they walk up to the car, “but I can’t be dealing with that much sprightliness this early in the morning. Mind if I have a quick fag before we go?”

 Thorin smiles. “I think for both our sake you better had.”

 

***

 

They spend the rest of the morning wandering around the market town of Hay-on-Wye – Kili adding three new books to his collection and a bag of handmade fudge to go with it. They have a light lunch in one of the little cafes, both still full from their hearty breakfast, before eventually they set off on their journey home. Thorin decides to take the scenic route back, showing Kili some of the beautiful places that the countryside has to offer and telling him little facts about the area and some of the more happy stories that he remembers from childhood.

By the time they are back on the motorway Kili is snoozing in the soft leather passenger seat. And Thorin smiles contently at his lover. Despite the rusty start yesterday morning because of his stubbornness this weekend has turned out lovely. Kili has been lovely, as always. He can really see himself spending the rest of his life with this amazing man at his side. He just needs to stop analysing and thinking everything through a million times and just follow his heart and stop stumbling over his words when it matters.

It is late when they finally get back and darkness has already fallen. Thorin indicates to pull up onto the driveway in front of his double garage and his headlights beam over the pavement until they come to rest on the garage door.

It takes him a moment to realise something is not as it should be. It is one of those double take moments whereby his eyes initially register something different to his brain. On the second take his heart stops.

He glances over to Kili, who is still asleep, before he yanks off his seatbelt and flies out of the car.

He stares at it; for a moment numb and not quite ready to take in what he sees in front of him. Then he finds himself mouthing each syllable like a child learning to read for the first time.

**Oakenshield Whorehouse Plc**

it reads in big angry black letters sprayed across the white double garage doors. And taped all around the perimeter are over thirty print outs of Kili’s indecent sales ad from so many years ago.

“No …” he whispers into the night. This cannot be happening. This nightmare cannot be real.

But it is. And as reality sinks in he runs forward and begins to tear the leaflets down, his hands shaking in anger and frustration. He is so caught up in his desperation to erase the evil that has tainted his home that he does not notice that Kili has woken up and got out of the car until he reaches out and pulls one of the leaflets off the garage door.

“Kili!” Thorin’s breath hitches. “Oh Kili …”

His love stares at the leaflet in his hands. His face is largely hidden in the shadows. Thorin reaches out towards him and wraps his arms around him. But Kili feels like stone in his embrace, frozen in place. He pulls back and looks at his lover. Kili’s eyes are glancing past him, at the garage door.

“Come, let’s get you inside, Thorin says softly, grabbing Kili’s arm and guiding him towards the front door. He unlocks the door and pushes Kili inside, switching on the light. “I will just put the car in the garage and then I will be inside and I will make you a coffee.” He pushes Kili further inside and runs back out, realising his keys are still in the ignition of his sports car.

He rips the last few leaflets down off the garage door, quickly scanning the area for any more as he scrunches the papers hard into his fists. He realises he is grinding his teeth and balling his fists and he just wants to punch the shit out of something. He orders himself to calm down and quickly puts his car away in the garage. Once he has locked the door he runs back up the steps and into his apartment.

He frantically looks for his love and finds Kili standing in the kitchen with a brown envelope in his hand. “Kili? Oh god, Kili, my love,” he sighs as he walks over quickly.

But before he has a chance to wrap his arms around his sweetheart, Kili shoves the large brown envelope with no name or address on it towards him. “I am sorry,” he whispers. His face is ashen. Even his lips are drained of all colour. His eyes are blank as he stares at the envelope.

“Sorry? Sorry for what?” Thorin asks as he takes the envelope. “What is this?”

“More photos …” Kili’s voice sounds hollow.

Thorin is confused. He opens the envelope and pulls out the pile of A4 sized pictures. “Oh god…” he gasps. The envelope drops onto the floor as his hand flies towards his mouth as he makes a desperate dash for the sink. He is retching as the room begins to spin around him.

Kili fingers runs softly over his back. “I’m sorry,” he says again.

Thorin wipes the spittle from his face and beard. Despite his stomach churning he has nothing to give. He spins around. “Why are you sorry?” he pants, trying to suppress the sickness.

“Because it’s all my fault,” Kili whispers as he bends down to pick up the pictures that have spilled onto the floor. He flicks through them, emotionless. There are a stack of them. The first five are a series of polaroids clearly digitally rephotographed and printed. They show a young Kili, not even out his teens, in various stages of undress with the final one leaving little to the imagination as he is pointing his rear towards the camera spreading himself. There are two more old redigitalised pictures. One is a picture in which he is pushing a large dildo up himself, whilst cuddling a child’s teddy bear. In the other he is wearing boys’ underwear and there is a hand reaching into the photograph, reaching into his underwear. There is nothing to link anyone though – nothing to give away the identity of the molester.

As Kili flicks over to the next set of photos - the ones that Thorin hadn’t even seen yet – his older lover yanks the pile of photos out of his hand, “What the fuck?!” he shouts out staring in disbelief at the black and white pictures. These are recent ones. Ones of Thorin and Kili together, hand in hand, with an arm wrapped around each other and one where they are sharing a kiss. Private moments. Loving moments. Captured by an unknown stalker without their knowledge or consent, sending chills down his body. Someone has been on his property. Someone has been following them, watching them. He feels himself swaying with anxiety.

He shuffles the pictures back together and stuffs them back in the envelope, pulling himself together. For Kili’s sake. “How is any of this your fault?”

“Because it is me. I am the whore. I am the one who has tainted you, your perfect life.”

Thorin grabs him hard by the shoulders and turns Kili towards him. “You have not tainted me or my life. None of this is your fault. You never chose to do what you did. And even if you had that would not have given anyone the right to do this to you. To us.”

But Kili just shrugs as he walks away from Thorin towards the sofa. And that gesture is more worrying than anything else. Thorin could have dealt with seeing Kili cry or seeing his anger. But not this. Not this seemingly resigned acceptance of his fate. That just because he once was made to sell his body he has sold his human rights with it. And it shakes him back into action.

He pulls his mobile out of his pocket and dials 101, realising it is not a life or death situation but needing to report this right now. “Good evening. I am reporting damage caused to my property and also …” he searches for the words for a brief second – how the hell does he explain this? – “and an incident of harassment and intimidation.”

Kili listens to the conversation. He hates Thorin for it. He hates him for not leaving this matter alone, for making it worse all the time. Why had he not listened to him in the first place? Why had he not sacked the guy and then left it at that? Why did he have to involve the police like Kili had so expressedly asked him not to.

“I need to speak to an officer now!” he can hear Thorin raise his voice. “No, I don’t believe the perpetrator is still here. No … But … Yes I feel threatened! I … Can I speak to your supervisor? … Just let me speak to your supervisor!”

Kili snorts at Thorin’s attempt to throw his weight around and he gets up. He just wants to go to bed now. He needs to get up early for work tomorrow and it is getting late. As he takes off his clothes he can still hear Thorin rant from the living room, reluctantly agreeing to take an incident number and having an officer come to the house tomorrow. Kili is just grateful he will be at work then. He is not actively going to take part in Thorin’s self-destruction.

When his lover finally comes into the bedroom Kili is already under the duvet, trying his best to be asleep.

“Are you okay, flower?” Thorin asks softly.

His petname for Kili makes all his anger at his stupidity melt instantly. “Yeah,” Kili sighs, turning himself towards Thorin. “Just come to bed, babe.”

When Thorin is washed and undressed and slides under the duvet with him, he snuggles up to him, hoping that they can just go to sleep now. But Thorin isn’t quite done yet. “They are sending an officer round tomorrow.”

“I heard,” Kili mumbles.

“He or she will want to ask us both questions.”

“I will be at work.”

Thorin pushes Kili out of his embrace and looks at him in surprise. “You will still go to work? Are you sure?”

Kili frowns at him. “Of course I will go to work. It is my second week! I don’t need to be here. I don’t want to be here! Surely you are not endorsing that I pull a sicky already?”

“Kili, I would understand, of course,” Thorin exclaims. “This … You …”

“They are just pictures!” Kili snaps. Then his anger returns. “Damn it, Thorin, I told you to drop it. I told you not to involve the police. You did not listen to anything I said. What were you expecting?! You know nothing of this world, of my world! This guy – so now you have reported him for child porn. He has already lost his job. By now he has probably lost his home, his family, all his friends. You are not that stupid that you think that accusing someone of being a paedophile will not ruin a man! So now he has nothing to lose anymore. You have ruined him and he will ruin you! That is how this game works, Thorin.”

“I won’t let it!” Thorin growls.

But Kili laughs a pitied laugh. “Really? You really think you still have any control over this? So the police will be here tomorrow  … to do what exactly? They will take a statement and put it on file and nothing will happen. We have no proof that it even was him! Maybe it wasn’t. Maybe there is someone else from my past who is having a go. Who even fucking cares! My whole life has just been a big steaming pile of shit and it is never going to change!”

“Oh Kili, sweet,” Thorin tries but Kili turns himself over in a huff.

“Go to sleep, Thorin.”

He can’t. How can he possibly? He lies there for hours, staring into the darkness, listening to Kili’s soft breathing. In the end he gets up and goes to sit in the living room. He pours himself a glass of whiskey. He hasn’t drunk whiskey for years, he does not even really like it. But he still has an old bottle in the house and the liquid is warming as he sits shivering on the sofa, not from cold but from anger and sadness and anxiety. He pulls the envelope out and looks at the pictures again. He does not even know why he is torturing himself like this. He wants to tears them up. Burn them. But he keeps his common sense and he knows that he needs to hand them to the police tomorrow.

The worst thing is that Kili is probably right. What are the police going to do? He has no proof. These pictures give nothing away about his stalker. But what else can he do? Surely it is the only thing he can do! He feels angry with Kili in return now. Angry for just accepting this kind of depravity. For just accepting his fate. And for the first time since they have been together he sees as clearly their differences as he sees their similarities.

Has he been blinded by love? Kili is right, he does not know the world he has comes from. But neither does Kili know his world. Some days it feels like they are from different planets. Is he just being stupid for being with Kili? Is he just letting his love and his lust for this man rule his decisions?

Yes. Yes he probably is. But is that the wrong thing to do? He puts his head in his hand. He doesn’t know anymore.

Then he looks at the bottle of golden liquid in front of him. He reaches out to pour himself another drink, but then catches himself. This is dangerous territory. He should not drink to drown his sorrows. He has been so careful all his life not to fall into that destructive pattern that his father had fallen into. With a determination he rises to his feet, taking the bottle and pouring it down the sink. He watches the liquid drain away with a strange sense of satisfaction and pride. He may not be able to control what it being done to him. But he can control what he is doing to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 101 is the non-emergency police number in the UK


	33. Frustrations

Kili is woken up by the alarm on his phone and grumpily sets it to snooze for another ten minutes. He feels the mattress next to him, but as usual Thorin is already up. As he listens out he can hear his lover rummage around in the living room, already a flurry of activity and he turns himself over for one last doze trying to ignore Thorin’s energy until the second round of beeping makes him reluctantly drag himself out of bed and into the on suite – which Thorin refers to as the “small bathroom” although it is still bigger than some apartments that Kili has lived in.

He loves the feel of the warm water running over his face and down his back and as he covers himself in a fruity smelling shower gel he hums contently. He is quite looking forward to his second week at work. To see his new friends again – although he is a little nervous whether they still are after his little stunt the previous week. And if he is honest he is looking forward to not being around Thorin today because even through the sound of the running water he can hear the crashing going on in the bedroom now.

“Hey babe,” he smiles as he steps out of the bathroom snuggled up in the soft white bathrobe that Thorin had bought him. “What’s all the noise about? It’s 7 o’clock in the morning.”

“It is half past seven. And I’m looking for something,” Thorin grumbles as he yanks open another drawer.

Kili watches him for a moment and then walks into the living room to find his fags. Whatever has gotten into Thorin this morning, he does not wish to be part of it.

“Found it, hon?” he asks as they both reappear at the same time in the living room.

“Found what?” Thorin asks, sounding distracted.

“Whatever it was you were looking for earlier.”

“Oh, yes, thanks,” Thorin mumbles as he walks back over to his laptop, not giving any more away.

Kili shrugs. “Am I not even going to get a kiss?” he pouts as he walks up to him, swaying his hips in an attempt to get some attention from his lover.

Thorin looks up at him and smiles, although Kili is used to that vacant smile by now and he knows it means that Thorin is just being polite but that his mind is on a whole different planet altogether. The kiss too lacks that usual passionate hunger that Kili savours so much and he feels frustrated and a little disappointed with Thorin. Perhaps he should say something to him, try and be helpful or comforting because clearly his boyfriend is worked up over something. But he is not very good at that sort of thing and neither is Thorin at accepting such caring gestures. The division of those roles is already pretty well established between them. Besides Kili does not want to talk about what he knows is bothering Thorin. In the end he decides to just leave Thorin to it. He is a grown man and he is perfectly capable of looking after himself. Certainly much more so than Kili is. He drags his hand through Thorin's hair and gives him a kiss on the cheek before he walks back to their bedroom to get changed.

“I will catch the bus into work today,” he casually throws over his shoulder.

“Okay sweetpea,” Thorin replies distractedly. Only once Kili reappears, dressed ready for work, does Kili’s statement actually seem to register. “Did you say you were going to catch the bus in to work?”

“Uhuh,” Kili nods as he looks for his wallet.

“Are you sure you are ready to go to work today? I really won’t think bad of you if you do not feel up to it after what happened la…”

“I am fine,” Kili snaps. “We have had this conversation and I am done with it already.” He looks at Thorin who is dressed but not in his usual work attire. “I take it you are not going to work,” he observes.

Thorin scowls at him, not in the mood for an argument with Kili. “I thought we had had this conversation and you were done with it?” he throws back.

“Oh whatever!” Kili retorts, grabbing his bag with his work laptop in it. “See you later,” he sulks that Thorin is able turn his own argument back on him so easily. 

“Do you want me to drop you …”

“No! I’m fine!” Kili storms out of the room.

As soon as he hears the front door slam Thorin pushes back his chair and takes a deep breath. He now regrets his petulant behaviour, but he knows they are both to stubborn to give in. Equally he knows he will now fret over whether Kili gets to the office safely, which is ridiculous – it is only twenty or so minutes by bus and Kili is old and wise enough to manage without Thorin holding his hand, but he cannot help himself worrying over his sweetheart. He grabs his mobile and sends Kili a message. _Hey flower. Just let me know when you get there. Sorry I was grumpy. Love you x_

Within moments he receives a message back. _Will do “mum” :P Love you too, you annoying grumpy git. Get me something nice for tea later. Xxx_

Thorin smiles to himself. Whenever he had argued with his ex they would not speak to each other for days. Kili may be quick to flare but he is also quick to forgive. _Okay, love. Something nice for tea and maybe something for afters …?_

_OMG are you flirting with me?_

_Maybe … :P_

_Ooh! Well… You do have to make up for this morning!_

_In that case … Place your order ;)_

The next text message doesn’t come back straight away and Thorin is tempted to send another one, but then his phone announces its arrival. _Shit babe! Sat next to some old lady getting hard at the thought of what you are gonna do to me!_

Thorin laughs. _So what am I going to do to you, sexy?_ Talking dirty on text is so much easier than face to face and he is beginning to get a little excited himself.

_Hm… If you are going shopping … Maybe some desert you can enjoy in the bedroom??? Off me?! :D xxx_

Thorin blushes even as he reads it. _Like what? Whipped_ c _ream?_

_Chocolate!_

_Cream and chocolate? ;)_

_Oh fuck, yes!_ Quickly followed by. _Shit bus is here and have a major boner!_

He laughs out loud at his silly sexy boyfriend and their naughty text conversation and he feels like the luckiest man in the world having found Kili. He has even temporarily forgotten all the shit that has happened and the conversation he is about to have with the police. He cannot do this digging your head in the sand as Kili does so naturally. But his lover does help him lighten up a little and balance his worries with humour and joy rather than more work.

_Looking forward to desert already ;) Did you get on the bus? X_

_Yup. Managed to think of boring stuff ;) Are you gonna wank now?_

Thorin flushes a deep red, but laughs out loud. _Would you like me to?_ He cannot believe he has just sent that.

_God yes! As long as you leave something for me later, baby. Don’t spill it all!_

_OMG Kili!_

_What?_

_You are being very naughty!_

_I am not the one wanking ;)_

_Neither am I …_

_Get on with it then!_ Quickly followed by another message. _And send me pictures!_

_Absolutely not!_

:(

_You will have to use your imagination. Xxxxxx_

_Oh I am! Damn you, making me hard again. So going to have to help myself out in the gents later!_

It is quite the wrong thing to say as the image that immediately returns to Thorin’s mind is of finding his beloved quivering in the toilets after the assault. He swallows hard, not wishing to ruin Kili’s mood again, although his own is well and truly gone now. _Dirty boy! I have to get ready now. Speak to you later, sweetpea. Let me know if you want a lift back. Love you lots xxx_

_Okay babe, love you too! Looking forward to tonight! Xxx_

***

When the doorbell rings he is at least a little calmer than he had felt first thing and he feels less like he might just jump down the throat of whoever is unfortunate enough to have been sent to him. As he opens the door he frowns at the officers on his doorstep. The guy looks about twelve and the woman still looks younger than Thorin but at least old enough to drive. “Good morning. Thorin Oakenshield,” he says shaking hands with both. “Thank you for coming. Do you want to see the damage first?”

The female officer nods and they follow him down the steps towards the double garage doors. As well as the obvious text that is still screaming out at him, he describes the placement of the leaflets as well. “I will give you a copy when we go back inside, although it should already be on file.”

“On file?”

“Yes, in relation to the assault.”

“I am sorry, sir, I have not received any information in relation to that,” the female officer responds. “We are just here to take a statement and photos of the damage done to your property.”

Thorin takes a deep breath as he watches the young guy take photos of the smear text.  Of course, how can he possibly expect anyone in the police force to actually talk to one another? He knew when he had spoken to the operator last night that she was not noting down what he was saying about the situation with Alfrid. “Well, I think it is rather important that the two are looked at in conjunction, since they are obviously interrelated,” he says through gritted teeth.

The lady scribbles a note. “Nothing was stolen?”

“No, nothing was stolen,” he sighs. “This is not about theft. This is a smear campaign.”

The female officer raises an eyebrow. “Has something like this happened before?”

 _Really?!_ “May I suggest we go inside so that I can repeat the whole story to you. At least someone will have all the facts together then,” Thorin tries his very best not to be too rude, but he really wants to shake these two coppers and bang the heads of the entire police force together.

Once his visitors are seated and have declined his offer for a drink, he hands them the file with the flyers, a copy of the email and the photos that had been stuffed through his letterbox. He watches the two officers flick through the papers and photos and cringes at the barely concealed embarrassment in the young man’s face.  Thorin clears his throat and trying his best to ignore his own embarrassment and the blush in his cheeks he relates the necessary information to these arms of the law, all the way from Kili being forced into underage prostitution right up to the events of last night. By the end the two officers have written several pages and are both very quiet.

Eventually the lady speaks, “I have written everything down, Mr Oakenshield. My colleague has taken photos of the damage. I will write up a report but I think this also needs to be handed over to the Serious Crime Unit to ensure that the various reports are joined up.”

“That does sound like a very good idea,” Thorin says sarcastically. “So what is happening with the assault case?”

“I’m afraid I do not know, Mr Oakenshield. Unfortunately you need to speak to the Case Officer of that particular case, which is obviously a lot more sensitive than what we have been asked to document.”

“Right. And what is going to happen now?”

“As I said, I will write a report and put it on file and we will also notify the Serious Crime Unit of a possible connection.”

Thorin stares at her as she says nothing more. “That’s it? You are going to put it on file? Are you actually going to lock the bastard up this time or will you just sit back and wait until he gets bored of playing stupid little games to try and ruin my reputation and does something more serious? Does someone need to get raped or murdered before anything is actually done?”

The female keeps a straight face. “Unfortunately there is no concrete evidence that this has been carried out by the same person, Mr Oakenshield. It is likely, but it will be very difficult if not impossible to proof. Without such evidence we cannot carry out any arrests.”

“But you do have evidence of the child porn on this guy’s computer! If you had locked him up for that in the first place, rather than let the beast walk free whilst your officers try to get their act together, none of this would have happened!”

The police officer looks at him calmly. “I understand that this must be very frustrating for you, Mr Oakenshield, but I assure you that my colleagues are dealing with everything as quickly as they can.”

Thorin laughs. “Really? You assure me? Just now you did not even know that this investigation was ongoing!”

There is an awkward tension between them and it is clear that the younger officer is very inexperienced and wishes he could just get up and leave. But the woman tries her best to calm him down again. “I understand you frustrations, Mr Oakenshield. Unfortunately all I can do right now is to give you a case reference and take the evidence back to the station. As soon as we find out any more or are able to connect the cases we will give you a call. Can I just check your contact numbers?” Thorin sighs as she repeats the numbers that he has given out so many times recently. “We have a leaflet from Victim Support that I would like to leave with you. Would you like anyone from them to contact you or your partner?”

Thorin snorts. “Whatever it takes to get this bastard locked up.”

“Victim Support can offer you and your partner advice on dealing with the damage to your personal property,” the officer says calmly, ignoring his statement. “And give you advice on how to make your property more secure.”

Thorin shakes his head. “My boyfriend has been sexually assaulted, there is a smear campaign running against me, all because of a guy who is under investigation for paedophilia and you want someone to come and talk to me about putting new locks on my door? You have got to be kidding me!”

“I will leave the leaflet here for you to read through should you change your mind. I am sorry that at this stage I cannot offer you any further information on the other cases that you have reported.”

“It’s fine, it is not your fault. And I am sorry I am getting frustrated with all this but you must understand this is a very stressful time for me and my partner,” Thorin reluctantly says as he stands up to see the two officers out. It is not even his name on the other cases, but this whole matter is becoming ridiculous now. Why is it that it is seemingly easy enough to arrest someone for saying the wrong thing to some yobs, but the real criminals get to lounge around freely for months until the police finally get off their backside? Surely it cannot be this difficult? He knows he is being childish and he should be more professional, but it is hard when it concerns someone he loves so dearly.

“I understand, Mr Oakenshield.”

“Thank you for your time,” he says as he shakes their hands again.

As the door falls closed behind them he draws in a deep breath and wishes he was a smoker as he could sure do with something to sooth his mind right now. Instead he takes his phone and calls a local decorator to come and sort out his garage doors.  

***

He has been busy all morning and has not had much time to chat with anyone. Aragorn has given him a big project to set up and it has taken all his concentration to work through the various documents and extract the relevant information. Fortunately his line manager has defrosted a little this week and is happy to help Kili as the younger one worries about having to ask questions all the time. “It’s only your second week, don’t worry. I’d rather you ask me than assume and make mistakes.”

Lunchtime has come around unexpectedly quick and he is relieved when Sam and Pippin appear at his desk with a bright smile. “Lunch?”

He looks over to Aragorn who nods in approval. “Sure!”

As they step in to the lift, he is a little nervous. “Glad you guys still want to hang out with me,” he says. “Now you know about Thorin and me, I mean.”

“Well, I could do with a promotion,” Pippin says and then slaps him across the shoulders. “I am joking. Hey, you didn’t think we were that shallow now did you?”

Kili shrugs. “Thanks though. And thanks that you don’t appear to have announced the news to everyone.”

“Er yes, ‘bout that,” Sam says. “We didn’t. But our colleagues in IT may have been a little less discreet. You will find that more people know than you think and you know what it is like …”

“Oh.” Kili could kick himself for being such an idiot, but it is done now. “Oh well, guess I’ll find out then.”

As it happens most people now seem to be aware of Kili’s relationship with Thorin, and those who don’t know yet will no doubt do so by the end of the week. But other than a couple of quizzing looks and some hushed conversations, he is not getting any direct grief from it. The most direct comment he gets is “So when is the wedding?” from one of the guys at the table next to them and he just grins at him, telling him he will know when he gets the invitation. If that is the worst he is going to get he can live with that.

“Sorry mate,” Sam tries to apologise, scowling at Frodo who he seems to hold accountable for the leak.

But Kili smiles and waves his hand. “If I wanted it to remain a secret I shouldn’t have opened my mouth, right? It’s fine. I’d rather people know about it. I am not ashamed to be the boss’ babe.” He winks and laughs at the shocked faces around the table, before they all join in the laughter.

***

As he walks around the supermarket, he feels a little awkward looking at the various types of chocolate toppings. He has already considered Nutella but didn’t think that that was particularly sexy, smearing that on with a knife like buttering a sandwich. And now he is standing in the baking aisle looking at ice cream toppings. It feels like everyone around him is staring at him, sniggering, and knowing what he intends to do with his purchase. It is ridiculous of course. People buy this stuff every day and most will probably use it perfectly innocently for what it is intended for. And those who don’t … well good on them and who is to know! Nonetheless he finds himself buying a large tub of ice cream just to hold up the pretence that he is definitely going to just pour the sauce over the ice cream and nothing else! Even if he is getting slightly uncomfortable in his slacks at the thought of the treat that awaits him later. And he doesn't even like ice cream...


	34. Desert

The first thing he notices as he arrives home is the newly painted garage doors. The decorator has done a good job covering the graffiti and Kili hopes that it has put his lover in a better mood than he had left him in this morning. The next thing that greets him is a delicious smell that wafts over from the kitchen.

“I’m home, babe!” he calls out from the hall as he takes off his shoes.

As he walks into the open plan kitchen his mouth falls open at the sight before him. Thorin is wearing a pair of skinny jeans and a close fitting black t-shirt, both which show of his well-maintained body deliciously.

Kili smiles brightly as he watches his lover wiggle his tight ass as he sings along loudly in his deep voice to Rammstein.

 _Du riechst so gut_  
 _Du riechst so gut, ich geh dir hinterher_  
 _Du riechst so gut_  
 _Ich finde dich so gut_  
 _Ich steig dir nach_  
 _Du riechst so gut_  
 _Gleich hab ich dich_  
  
He seems so engrossed in his tuneful cooking that he has not heard Kili come in and he lets out a loud yelp as Kili grabs his backside. “Jesus, Kili! You’ll give me a heartattack one of these days!”

“You cannot wiggle that ass at me like that and not expect me to grab it!” Kili smiles as he presses his lips against Thorin’s.

Thorin’s smile shift into a frown as he tastes the kiss on his lips.

“What?” Kili shrugs as tries to dip his finger in the sauce that is bubbling on the stove.

Thorin playfully slaps his hand away. “Patience! It’s not ready yet!” Then he turns Kili towards him. “Kili, I can smell it on you.”

“Smell what?”

“Please don’t play innocent, honey. You have smoked grass. I can taste it on your lips.”

Kili shrugs. “It was just one, okay. It was after work. Look, I have found all this stressful too. I just deal with it differently than you.”

Thorin looks deep into Kili’s eyes as he gently strokes his stubble. “I know, my love. It’s just that you have done so well. And it’s so easy to fall back into old habits.” He tries to choose his words carefully, knowing how volatile Kili can be and he really has been looking forward to tonight and does not want it to end in another argument.

But Kili smiles at him. “I know. It was just one, I promise, babybell.” He presses another kiss on Thorin’s lips as he squeezes his backside. “Can I just say you look lush!”

Thorin smiles and decides to give Kili the benefit of the doubt. It is only fair that Kili too has struggled with everything that is being done to them. He just needs to watch him carefully, to make sure he doesn’t slip up again. “Why, thank you,” he beams. “I thought I’d make an effort for my hard working boyfriend,” he winks.

“Mmm,” Kili rides himself up against him. “Seeing you wrapped up tight like this whilst singing in German … wow, babe, I’m not going to last till desert at this rate!”

“Well, that would be a real shame,” Thorin licks along Kili’s lips. “All that effort I put into making you your favourite dinner all for nothing …”

“My favourite dinner? You have no idea what my favourite dinner is!” Kili laughs.

“It will be this, I promise you,” Thorin winks confidently.

“So, do you actually speak German?” Kili cocks his head.

“Not really.”

“Well, you can speak German to me any time, hot stuff. Even if it is just quoting song lyrics.”

Thorin laughs. “I see. Now, why don’t you go and get changed and I will have dinner ready in about ten minutes.” Just as Kili turns, he remembers. “Oh, a letter from the driving school came for you today. I put it on the table for you.”

“Oh, it’s a confirmation of the dates, yay!” Kili calls out enthusiastically. He looks at Thorin with a little worry. “You think it will be okay taking time off work so soon though?”

“I am sure it will be fine, sweetpea,” Thorin smiles. “Now chop chop. Dinner will be ready in just a mo.”

When Kili reappears Thorin smiles brightly. “You look yummy,” he compliments as he hands his lover a glass of wine and pulls him to for a deep kiss.

He pulls back a seat for Kili who takes place with a big smile on his face. “I like it when you pamper me,” he grins.

“That is good, because I have a lot of that on the menu for you tonight, my gorgeous one.”

He plates up the starters and puts a plate in front of Kili, who raises his eyebrows. “What is it?”

“Scallops,” Thorin smiles.

“Can you eat the shells?” he asks poking his fork at it.

Thorin laughs, “I’m afraid not, flower, they are just for decoration. I hope you like it.”

Kili devours the starter, much to Thorin’s delight. He knew he had taken a risk serving seafood, but it seems to be going down rather well. “That was absolutely amazing!” Kili beams.

The mains of paella are equally well received and Thorin feels an intense happiness flow through him, giving him the boost he needs.

“And now for desert,” Kili winks cheekily as he pushes his chair back.

“Not so quick, flower,” Thorin smiles nervously. His hands are sweaty and he wipes them on his napkin as he gets to his feet. “There is just one more course first.”

“Oh?” Kili smiles as he pats his already full belly. “Oh!” his mouth falls open as Thorin walks up to him and sinks down on one knee.

“I am sorry, Kili,” he stutters, “I am not very good at this and I probably should have come up with something more original. But … Well …” He holds out the little box with the silver celtic ring in it, “Kili Durin, please will you marry me?”

Kili gasps and just stares at Thorin, dumbstruck. “Are you …? Really?”

Thorin flushes a deep red. “Damn it, Kili, help me out of my misery and just say yes or no!”

“YES!” Kili flies into his arms, toppling Thorin over onto his backside. “Oh my god, Thorin, yes yes yes yes yes!!” They roll around the floor laughing and kissing. “Oh my god oh my god, are you for real?” Kili keens. “You really want to marry me?!”

Thorin laughs. “You are doing the flapping thing, Kili, stop it! And yes, I want to marry you! More than anything in the world, little flower!” Thorin beams as he pulls Kili in close. “I know it is soon …”

“I love you!!” Kili silences his rambling with a kiss. He straddles Thorin and holds out his hand to allow Thorin to place the ring on his finger. Thorin’s hands are shaking as he gently places the token and Kili positively gleams as he admires it. “It is so beautiful, babe! Just perfect! Oh my god, I can’t believe it! I am going to get married! We are going to get married!!!” He kisses Thorin again, slipping his tongue into the warmth of his mouth, getting aroused by the taste of his lover and the excitement of his proposal. “You are mad!” he breathes into his mouth. “Absolutely crackers!”

Thorin laughs, “And why do you say this?”

“Because! Why on earth would you want to marry me?!”

“Because you are the most wonderful person I know! You are funny, and exciting and lovely.” He grabs Kili’s backside and pulls him in close. “And you are superhot!” he smiles hotly.

Kili is already yanking at his shirt, but Thorin stops him. “Not so hasty, my dandelion. We had plans for this, remember?”

“Chocolate and cream!” Kili calls out making Thorin laugh loudly as he pulls him to his feet and drags him towards the bedroom where he pushes Kili onto the bed and showers him in kisses.

“I will be right back with the ingredients for your desert, Mr Durin,” Thorin grins.

“Mr Oakenshield soon!” Kili beams. “Oh my god, Kili Oakenshield,” he tastes the name on his lips. “Would that be alright, babe? For me to take your name? God, I have no idea how that works with gays,” he laughs. “Can we just pick and choose?”

“I have no idea either, sweetpea,” Thorin smiles. “But I would be honoured if you wished to take my name.” He places a wet kiss on Kili’s lips. “Now get naked!” he orders as he disappears to get the necessary things for their gameplay.

As he returns, Kili is lying spread across the duvet, holding out a present to Thorin.

“What’s this?” Thorin beams.

“Little present from me,” Kili winks.

“What the hell?” Thorin laughs as he unwraps the box and stares at the odd shaped item in his hand.

“Something to add a little stimulation to your insides,” Kili grins. He pulls at the cord and drags the attached remote control out of the box. “At the touch of my fingertips!”

“Oh, baby, that sounds … interesting,” Thorin blushes. Goodness, toys. He has never used anything like that before.

“Never had a dildo up your backside before?” Kili asks shamelessly.

Thorin feels his cheeks burning. “No,” he whispers, feeling like a virgin when it comes to sex play in Kili’s presence.

“Oh good,” Kili beams. “I like to teach you something new! It is usually the other way around. Well, pants off then, fiancé!”

He watches Thorin pull up his shirt and then unbuckle his trousers. Softly he groans as more of his lover’s body is revealed until he stands naked and at the ready before him.

 “What is the matter now?” Kili laughs as Thorin is pulling a face.

“This is going to be really messy.”

“Yes, so?” Kili giggles. “That is the idea, babycakes. Messy and hot!”

“Hm. Maybe I should try and find an old sheet or something …” Thorin starts.

“Oh for fuck sake, will you shut up and come here,” Kili scowls. “I will put the sheets in the washing machine tomorrow. I may never have had a housekeeper before, but at least that means I can do my own washing, you pompous bastard. Now get down here or I will have to tie you down!”

Thorin raises a playful eyebrow.

“Oh really?” Kili teases. “Looks like there are other things I need to explore with you …” He grabs Thorin’s hand and drags him on to the bed. “Now, lie down and let me play with you first before we get onto desert,” he grins cheekily.

Thorin obliges and lets Kili push his legs apart, running his middle finger between his cheeks over his sensitive pucker, making him groan with want. Kili slicks his finger with some lube before he returns it and gently penetrates his lover. “So hot, babe,” he sighs. “So hot and tight on my finger.” He gently twists his hand, allowing Thorin to relax under the touch, before he adds another finger. As he does so he bends down to kiss Thorin’s thighs, breathing in the smell of his desire. “Love to see you open up for me.” He reaches for the toy he had purchased and slowly drags back his fingers to allow him to lubricate the soft silicon skin of the vibrator. “This will feel a bit odd at first,” he soothes Thorin who is frowning at the bulbous and slightly curved purple toy in Kili’s hands. “Just because it doesn’t give as much as my cock. But it is much smaller, don’t look so worried. And if you don’t like it, we stop, okay?”

Thorin nods and smiles, before he relaxes himself back. He trusts Kili completely when it comes to sex. That is the one good thing about his lover’s history, he really does know what he is talking about.

At first the push of the toy into his backside feels horrible. It is cold and alien and nothing like when Kili makes love to him. But Kili is massaging the insides of his thighs and his sack all the way through whilst whispering sexy talk at him until he relaxes enough to accept the intrusion.

“How does that feel?” Kili asks softly as he wriggles the toy gently.

“Good actually,” Thorin smiles and moans softly as the odd curves and protrusions rub in all the right places.

“Told ya!” Kili smirks and grapples for the remote. “You ready for this, hot stuff?”

Thorin nods and watches Kili take pleasure in turning on the vibrator. He gasps as the toy inside him begins to pulse, pushing up against his prostate. At first the feeling is almost too much as it pulsates directly against his most sensitive place. But as Kili turns the dial to a different setting it tickles him just right and it feels amazing. “Jeeze, Kee, that is good,” he pants.

Kili smiles brightly as he watches his lover wriggle and grasp the sheets in his fists. “I guess we found the right setting,” he smiles. “Good, my sexy. Now, there is another present in that box. Something for me,” he winks as he hands Thorin the gift box again.

His dark-haired lover tries to keep his control as he is teased to the point of wanting to shout out as he shakes the box upside down and catches a soft velvet piece of cloth in his large hands. As he holds it up, he grins at Kili. “A blindfold?”

Kili nods, beaming. “I was thinking, I lie down with the blindfold on. You can feed me stuff and lick whatever you want off me. In the meantime, I will keep playing with his,” he waves the remote at Thorin, who draws in a breath, but smiles. He helps Thorin remove the vibrator as they swap positions, only to slowly insert it into him again once he is sat on his hunches. “Is that alright babe?”

“A little weird, but I will get used to it,” Thorin grimaces as he is poked deep up his body.

Kili pulls the blindfold over his face and rests himself onto his back. “At your mercy now, my lord,” he beams.

“Oh, I like this,” Thorin shuffles himself forward, grabbing the items that he had brought into the bedroom. He opens the bottle of liquid chocolate and squirts a little onto his finger, bending down to let Kili lick up the sweet substance, which he does greedily.

“Mmm, chocolaty finger,” Kili giggles teasingly and he turns the vibrator inside his hard lover back on, making Thorin cry out at the sudden change of feeling inside his butt.

“You are going to … pay for that,” Thorin pants as the pulsing against his gland is making him crazy with want. He squeezes the bottle over Kili’s body, painting an abstract pattern of glossy brown across his chest and over his stomach, before he squirts a zigzag coverage onto Kili’s cock.

Kili is squealing in delight under him. “That tickles!” he giggles. “You have a lot of cleaning up to do!”

“I have only just started,” Thorin whispers. Having Kili blindfolded is really erotic he realises to his surprise. For the other not to see what he is going to do next, just to hear and feel his touch. He slowly runs a finger up the inside of Kili’s legs, drawing in between his buttocks, but only briefly touching his entrance, before moving on. Kili groans and wriggles as he smears some of the chocolate sauce out over his body and laps playfully at him. “Next course,” he smiles.

“Oh yum!” Kili nips at the finger pressed against his tongue. “Strawberry sauce! You didn’t tell me about that!”

“There had to be a surprise,” Thorin says as he enjoys Kili nibbling at his fingertips, sucking them into his warm mouth. He paints some droplets of the red sweet mess onto Kili’s body, admiring his life artwork as Kili changes the setting on the vibrator inside him, making him groan loudly.

“Still good, sexy?” Kili asks.

“Yes!” Thorin groans. “Not going to last long if you keep pressing buttons like that!”

“That’s okay,” Kili smirks. “You will just have to lick that off me too then!”

“I am not going to lick up my own stuff!” Thorin cries out in disgust “What is with you wanting me to taste my own jizz?”

“I dunno,” Kili giggles. “I just find it kinky!”

“You are filthy,” Thorin laughs as he starts to shake the can of cream.

“I hope that’s the cream, you are shaking and not your dick.” Thorin burst out laughing as sprays a big load of cream in Kili’s face in punishment, who consequently cries out in indignation. “You bastard!” Then he begins to lick his lips, only to find Thorin’s tongue has the same idea.

“You were supposed to be my desert! You can’t eat it yourself!” Thorin reprimands his lover as he nibbles at his lips.

Kili pouts against his lover’s lips, “Don’t I get anything?”

Thorin thinks about this for a second and then has a devious idea. He gives Kili a chaste kiss and then tries to move himself, without getting tangled up in the wire that runs from his backside to Kili’s hand and without impaling himself on the purple vibrator that continues to pleasure his sweet spot. It is somewhat of an undertaking but eventually he manages it.

“What on earth are you doing?” Kili giggles.

“Open wide, flower,” Thorin grins and as Kili obliges as pushes his hips forward and presses the tip of his cock decorated with chocolate sauce and a dollop of cream against his lover’s lips. Kili is visibly surprised but then reaches out and draws Thorin in, swallowing him deep in one easy movement.

“Shit, Kee,” he growls deep in his throat. “That’s so good.” He rests himself onto his side, face down alongside Kili’s body. “Turn onto your side, chickpea,” he smiles and happily accepts Kili’s cock presented against his lips as his lover complies with the request.

“Oh babe,” Kili groans along his length as Thorin licks up the chocolate sauce that he’d smeared across his cock. “That’s amazing!”

Thorin’s mouth is too occupied with pleasuring his new fiancé’s cock to respond, but with the ongoing assault on his prostrate and Kili’s expert blow job he is already on the edge of pleasure. He is surprised when Kili is in fact the first to lose it as he can taste the precum that warns of his imminent climax. The taste of it alone is enough to follow his lover quickly into pleasure. They become a tangled heap of thrusting bodies as the each spill their load into the other’s mouth almost simultaneously, Thorin closely following his younger lover.

“Oh sweetpea,” Thorin sighs, as he swallows Kili’s seed down, rolling back on the afterpulse of his own orgasm.

“That was good,” Kili agrees, yanking off his blindfold.

“Please turn it off!” Thorin squeals as the pulsations of the vibrator against his now oversensitive gland are too much. He sighs in bliss as Kili complies and helps him remove the device, before he snuggles in Thorin’s arms.

“You still have some cleaning up to do,” he grins up into Thorin’s face.

“In a minute,” Thorin smiles dreamily as he pulls Kili close, sinking into the heat ousting from his body.

“The sheets are a mess …” he teases.

“I don’t care,” Thorin sighs deeply as he breathes in Kili’s scent.

“Good. So how was your first time sex with your fiancé?” Kili purrs in his ear.

“He’s even more amazing than my boyfriend was,” Thorin smirks.

“Just imagine what your husband will be like,” Kili whispers hotly, nibbling at Thorin’s neck. “Oh and just so you know, the vibrator is waterproof and has a suction cup,” Kili winks. “So if you ever find yourself home alone again, sending me sexy text messages …”


	35. Engaged

### Fili

When his phone rings flashing up his brother's picture his heart skips a beat. Kili hardly ever rings him and never this late at night. Things really seemed to have picked up since his brother had moved in with Thorin, but sadly he cannot help but expect trouble when it comes to Kili. He answers the phone with trepidation, readying himself for the latest drama.

“Hi Kili,” he begins, trying his best to suppress the worry in his stomach.

He has to hold the phone away from his ear as his brother shouts down the line at full volume “I'm getting married!!!!! “

Even Lyn who is sat on the sofa eating ice-cream has been able to hear Kili's loud announcement and has promptly dropped her spoon and is trying to get to get to her feet. Fili waves at get to remain seated as he walks over with the cordless phone and sits down next to her.

“Calm down, Kee, I can't understand a word your saying. You are getting married?! To whom?! Ouch!” he looks over to Lyn who has just slapped him around the head. “What was that for?” he mouths to her.

“What do you mean to whom you idiot brother?!” Kili cries out.  “Thorin of course!”

“Yay! Congratulations!” Lyn shouts down the phone as she awkwardly bends herself towards her husband and she gives Fili a big smug grin.

“My god, wow!” Fili stutters. “Congratulations brother! When is the big day?”

“I don’t know yet,” Kili giggles. “Thorin only proposed at dinner this evening. He got me a ring and everything. Can you believe it, brother? He actually wants to marry me!”

He cannot really believe it. For as long as he can remember Kili has been trouble. After all the years of prostitution, alcohol and drug abuse the destiny that he had come to expect for his brother was to one day receive a phonecall that Kili had been found dead in a gutter somewhere. It had almost become self-preservation. At least if he expected the worse then it would perhaps not hurt so bad when it happened. But he had never expected his brother find happiness with someone as kind and sophisticated as Thorin.

“You still there?” Kili asks as his brother has gone silent.

“Yes, yes I am,” Fili smiles. “Kee, I am so happy for you. We are so happy for you,” he adds as Lyn pokes him in his side. “Please give Thorin our congratulations too. And we will have to throw you an engagement party soon.”

“Oh yes!!” Kili squeals. “That would be awesome!! Thanks bro! Oh how is Lyn by the way?”

“She’s fine,” Fili smiles at his wife, rubbing his hand across her swollen abdomen. “Your niece will be here soon.”

“I bloody hope so,” Lyn sighs as she shifts on the sofa.

“Cool! Oh she can be our flower girl!”

Fili laughs. “That would be amazing, Kee. You can tell her that when she is born.”

“Okay! Gotta go. Speak soon!”

Fili stares at his wife as he puts to phone down.

“What was that about?” she chastises him. “Engaged to whom?! What’s the matter with you!”

Fili shrugs his shoulders apologetically. “I dunno, just was not expecting that call. Not used to my brother ringing with good news like that. I can hardly believe it, can you?”

Lyn smiles as she rests her head on his shoulder. “I think it is wonderful. They are so sweet together. And Thorin is good for him.”

“That he is,” Fili agrees, wrapping his arm around wife. “Your uncle is going to get married!” he chats to his child inside her tummy.

“You sure you don’t want to tell him?” Lyn asks as she smiles at his face.

Fili shakes his head. “Not until she is born. I want him to see her first. As we agreed.” He strokes her cheek and presses a gentle kiss on her lips and then bends himself down to place a kiss on her tummy. “You are going to be beautiful,” he whispers to his child. “You are going to be my beautiful little girl.”

### Ori and Legolas

“Hold on, I can’t hear you!” Ori shouts down the phone. Despite it being a Monday night it is busy already this evening and he has already served his first client. Now he is sat at the bar sipping coke, waiting to see if he takes anyone’s fancy before he sees one of his regulars at eleven. “Hello, Kee?” he presses his finger hard into his other ear trying to make out what his friend is saying. “You what?! You are getting married?! Fuck me, Kee, that is fucking awesome!”

Legolas is waving frantically at him. “ _Is that Kili?!”_ he mouths.

Ori nods eagerly. “ _He’s getting married!”_ he mouths back. “Oh my god, Kee, you lucky bastard! You will come and show us the ring won’t you?” Then his mouth drops. “W…what? Are you … are you serious?! Oh jesus, that … Yes, yes of course!! Yeah alright. Yes, I will do. Okay, see you soon. Love you too, babe.”

He stares as Legolas who yanks at his sleeve. “What did he say?! Was that, Kee?”

“Yes!” Ori utters, stunned. “He is getting married. And he asked me to be his best man.”

A bright smile spreads across Legolas’ face. “That is so cool. Is that that guy he left Spartacus for?”

“Thorin, yes. He is well rich as well. I can’t believe it. Kili is such a lucky bastard.”

“He really is,” his colleague smirks. “Now drink up your coke cuz you’ve got someone eyeing you up,” and he nods towards an older guy in a suit who winks when he glances over. “Don’t keep him waiting, sweety,” Legolas urges him on.

Ori nods and gets up, making his way towards his potential client. “Hi handsome,” he smiles shyly, keeping up his act of the innocent young man that is his sales profile. “Can I get you a drink or would you like me to have something brought up whilst we get to know each other a little better?”

Moments later the guy follows him up the stairs towards one of the private rooms. And Ori cannot help but feel little jealous that Kili has been so lucky to find someone to take care of him for life. When the door falls closed and his client pulls out a small pouch of white powder, he swallows hard. Kili had always warned him not to go down that route and whilst his friend had been there to watch over him he had been strong enough to resist. But since Kili had left the temptation had grown stronger. And he gratefully accepts the line that the man spreads out for him, knowing that it will bring him a few hours of blissful ignorance in which he will eventually lose count of how many cocks he has sucked.

### Dwalin

He stares in surprise at the text message. _Would you like to be my best man?_ It reads. He looks on his watch. It is just gone ten but he knows that Thorin – despite being an early riser – never goes to bed before eleven and this is something he cannot just reply on text to.

“Dwalin!” Thorin answers as if the call is a surprise.

“Are you messing with me?” Dwalin snarls down the phone.

“Messing with you?” Thorin replies innocently. “I would never do that. Now are you going to answer my question?”

Dwalin is silent for a second. Then he smiles brightly. “Yes of course! Seriously, bud, you are gonna marry him?”

“Well, I asked him and he said yes, so I guess I am. That is generally the idea of a proposal.”

Dwalin chuckles loudly. “You are a surprisingly dark horse sometimes aren’t ya? Blimey, Thorin, I knew you were mad about him, but I didn’t realise you were quite this serious yet.”

“I know it is soon …” Thorin flushes slightly.

“Who cares about that,” Dwalin reassures quickly. “As long as you’re sure this is what you want. I don’t wanna put a damper on, mate, but you do know he comes with a lot of baggage. You said so yourself. And he is only just starting therapy this week…”

“I know. That is why I asked him today though. I want him to know I am one hundred percent behind him. That I love him and I will always be here to support him.”

“You are such a softy,” Dwalin smirks. “Don’t let that get out there or all your hard-nosed competitors will walk right over you.”

“How dare you suggest such a thing!” Thorin mockingly scolds him. “And you’d better throw me a good stag do!”

“Alright then, Mr Oakenshield, I will do as ordered. You wanna grab a beer later this week? Have a proper catch up?”

“That would be great.”

“I will text you later then. I will let you return to your little love nest now then. Night.”Dwalin looks at Angie who has just walked in with two cups of tea and a plate of biscuits. “You’re never gonna believe this,” he smiles.

“What’s that then love?” she hands him his steaming mug and a chocolate hobnob.

“Thorin is getting married.”

She almost drops her own tea in shock. “To Kili?”

“Yup.”

“Wow. Well, good for him. It was about time he found someone nice.”

Dwalin nods as he dunks his biscuit in his tea.

“You alright, love?” Angie asks as she sits down next to him.

“Yeah. Think it is wonderful and hope they will be happy together.”

“But?” She knows her husband too well and she knows he is brooding over something.

“It is just going to get tough for them. When Kili goes into therapy this week. I don’t think Thorin quite realises. He has his rose tinted glasses on.

“He is not stupid, Dwalin,” his wife reassures him. “He has been through enough himself and he is world-wise enough to know that it is not all going to be plain sailing. Give the lad a chance, though.”

“I will,” Dwalin nods as he takes a sip. _You don’t know the half of it, though_ , he thinks. All Angie knows is that Kili worked in a sex club. He had not told her about his little raid on the illegal brothel with Thorin or Kili’s drug use. Still, it is Thorin’s choice and he can see how happy Kili makes him. He just prays to god that the lad will not end up breaking his heart.

### Thorin and Kili

Kili runs his hands through Thorin’s hair, braiding the wet strands into a thick plait. “And?” he asks.

“He said yes,” Thorin smiles accepting the warm kiss against his lips. “And Ori?”

“He said yes too,” Kili smiles back. “Wow, this is real now! Now that we have told people.”

“It is, my love.” He strokes his hand over Kili’s cheek and takes his hand, pressing a kiss on the silver ring that now decorates his finger. “Are you happy, flower?”

“So happy, babe,” Kili grins. “You?”

Thorin drags him onto his lap and snuggles his face into the hollow of his neck. “The happiest,” he sighs as he breathes in the scent of vanilla and macadamia that lies across Kili’s skin and he wraps his arms tight around his lover.  “My sweetheart. My sexy, naughty sweetheart.”

“I want ice-cream now,” Kili chuckles.

“Piglet. Was your desert not enough for you?”

“You only ever make me hungry for more, sexy,” he grins, licking teasingly across Thorin’s lips. “Can I get you some?”

“You can get me a glass of wine. And another kiss.”

Kili smiles, pressing their lips together firmly. “Love you, fiancé.”

“Love you too, husband to be.”

 


	36. Nuisance

“Will you tell anyone at work?” Kili asks as Thorin is about to drop him off.

“Would you like me to?”

Kili shrugs. “It is up to you.”

Thorin frowns at him. “I asked if _you_ would like me to. It is your call. I want to announce to the world that you are going to be my husband, but not if you want to keep it low key.”

Kili thinks about it for a moment. “I suppose everyone knows I am your boyfriend anyway. So why not your fiancé? Alright then,” he nods.

“I will pick you up usual time,” Thorin presses a firm kiss on his lips and briefly squeezes his thigh. “Have a good day, flower.”

***

“Morning Dori,” he smiles brightly at his PA.

“Good morning Mr Oakenshield,” the older man looks up with a smile. “You are in a good mood this morning, sir.”

“I am,” Thorin grins. “I got engaged yesterday!”

Dori’s mouth falls open and he promptly gets to his feet and to shake Thorin’s hand. “Congratulations, sir! That is wonderful news. Have you picked a date yet?”

“Not yet,” Thorin smiles back. Dori has worked for him for years and no matter how many times he has told him to call him Thorin, the guy is insistent on old-fashioned politeness. “What do you think, a summer or a winter wedding?”

“I think an autumn wedding, Mr Oakenshield,” Dori smiles. “That would be so romantic! All autumn colours! It would suit you very well.”

Thorin chuckles. “I see I have found my wedding planner.”

“Oh I would love to help make arrangements, sir! Just tell me what you want and I will get it done. Flowers, venue …”

“That would actually be really great if you could. I have no idea where to even start!”

He leaves Dori full of excitement of his new task as he settles into his office. “Any messages for me?” he calls out once he has turned on his laptop.

Dori trots into his office with a cup of coffee for his boss. “Just a couple, sir. I rearranged that call with Mirkwood Associates to Friday. John phoned yesterday but he said it was not urgent and he would ring back today; he did not want to disturb you at home. And I took a call last night from the Istari Journal.”

Thorin knits his brow together at the last message. The Istari Journal is one of the regional  tabloid newspapers. What on earth they are ringing his office for is beyond him, but anyhow that call should have gone through to this press office.

“I did try to put them through to Gandalf,” Dori quickly answers, “but she was very insistent she wanted to speak to you. I have taken her number but I can ask Gandalf to ring her back if you want me to, sir.”

“Leave it with me for now,” Thorin sighs as he takes the post-it note. “I might give her call later; it’s probably to do with the insolvency side.” There had been a lot of controversy around a recent collapse of a large local employer and his press office has already been busy fielding questions about it. This was probably just someone who tried to get ahead of the competition by going straight to the top and he should really just pass it back to Gandalf. Which is what Dori normally did anyway and he thought it was odd that his PA had not followed standard procedure. He was not normally shy to tell the press or anyone Thorin did not want to speak to to go away. He stuffs the note underneath his keyboard to deal with later.

The afternoon is no less busy than the morning and Thorin ends up having a working lunch, with only five minutes to send his beloved a quick text.

_Hi flower. Did you tell anyone yet?_

_Yes! Sam and Pip are so excited about it. Even Aragorn congratulated us! You?_

_Only a few people, been busy. But they were all very happy for us. And Dori is already playing wedding planner for us._

_Yay! Miss you babe._

_Miss you too, sweetpea. Gotta go, sorry. See you later xxxx_

_Okay, sexy. Still got chocolate sauce left ;)xxxx_

_Cheeky git :P xxxx_

He grabs his papers and rushes off to another meeting to discuss a potential new client that they have been trying to get on board for months.

By the time he finally returns to his office he has three missed calls from private numbers on his work mobile, which he had left on his desk.

“That lady from the Istari Journal phoned again, sir,” Dori hands him another post-it.

“Alright, I will try and give her a call in a moment,” Thorin shuffles his paperwork around and refreshes his emails. He spends some time reading new messages and typing responses until Dori knocks on his door.

“Apologies, Mr Oakenshield, she’s on the phone again. Are you able to take the call or would you like me to tell her you will ring back later?”

Thorin sighs and waves his hand impatiently. “Put her through then.” He will just get rid of her now so he can get on with other things. He picks up the handset when the call it transferred. “Thanks, Dori. Hello?”

“Is that Thorin Oakenshield?”

“It is.”

“Oh hi there!” an overly chirpy voice calls out slightly too loudly from the other end of the line. “We seem to keep missing each other!”

“I have been busy,” Thorin answers coolly. He hates talking to press people. They are a necessary nuisance, he knows that, but that is why he has a press officer. And these tabloids are just a nuisance full stop.

“Of course, of course, you must be a very busy man.”

“Indeed I am, so please can we get to the point.”

“Of course, of course. So could you tell me how you know a Mr Alfrid Lakes?”

Thorin feels his blood freeze in his veins. “If you are calling to discuss the matter with Mr Lakes then I will refer you to my press officer.”

“So you know he has been charged with possession of child pornography then?” the woman quickly throws in.

Thorin’s hand hovers over the transfer button, but he hesitates. That is the first time he has heard the bastard has been charged.

His hesitation is enough to give the journalist a way in. “Perhaps you had not heard this yet. I understand the police was given a lead by your office.”

Thorin takes a deep breath. “I refer to my earlier comment, miss …”

“Please call me Cat.”

Thorin bites his lip. He hates people who are over familiar when he does not know them and they do not know him.

“If you wish to discuss the matter with Mr Lakes then please speak to my press officer.”

“So I hear that you are involved with a certain Kili Durin. A former prostitute. Who has connections with Mr Lakes …”

He throws the cordless phone against the wall with such force that it shatters into little pieces. His heart is racing at a rate of knots. _How the hell has that got out? Why is the press asking him such questions?_

“Mr Oakenshield? Are you alright?” Dori comes running in, having heard Thorin thrash the telecommunications equipment.

“Get Gandalf and Elrond into my office. Now!” he bellows.

Dori flushes at the anger in Thorin’s voice and disappears immediately. Less than five minutes later the two summoned employees are sat in front of his desk.

“Sort this out!” he growls at them. “I do not care how!”

“I did not even know he had been charged,” Elrond says, looking slightly flushed. “I keep calling them asking for an update, but I keep getting fobbed off.”

Thorin slams his palm onto the desk. “Well don’t let them fob you off again! I have had a guts full of the police and their fucking red tape! Get them on the phone now and get them to tell you everything that is going on.” He yanks his wallet out of his back pocket and throws a piece of paper at his HR Director. “On this case as well. That is the reference number for the damage done to my property on the weekend. Don’t take no for an answer.”

Elrond stares at the piece of paper, knowing full well that he will have a hard enough time getting an update on the case he had raised, let alone one that does not even has his name on it. But he will do his best and will have to tell Thorin afterwards the response that undoubtedly will not please him. He gets to his feet and quickly leaves Thorin’s office.

“You!” he points at Gandalf. “Phone that bloody woman back and sort this out. If they publish anything about Kili I will see her in court!”

Gandalf calmly accepts the piece of paper with the woman’s name and number scribbled on it. “I will do my best, Thorin. But we have free press in this country. Your partner’s photos are on the internet and Alfrid’s case, now that he has been charged, is in the public domain. Depending on what they choose to publish you may not be able to do much about it. Besides, you can try and take them to court, but they will have already published it by then, so it will be out there.”

“You really do know how to add salt to the wound, don’t you?” he growls at the older man. “Damn it, Gandalf, just do what it takes to stop this.”

Gandalf sighs and gets to his feet. “I will see what I can do. But I revert to my previous advice. If you don’t want them to spill the dirt on you, make sure there is no dirt to spill.”

“Get out!” Thorin shouts, rising to his feet too.

Gandalf is not fazed. He has seen enough of Thorin’s tantrums over the years to be used to them by now and he casually strolls out of the office. He knows he is right. Thorin has been a fool to throw his career on the line for some common hooker. Fine of his boss wanted to get laid by some rent boy, but it would make his life a whole lot easier if he was at least discreet about it.

Thorin falls back in his chair digging his fingernails into his scalp. _When is this nightmare going to end?_ _Why every time he feels happy does it have to be tainted with yet more of this crap?_

“Thorin?” Dori peeks carefully around the corner. Thorin looks up, surprised to hear his PA call him by his first name. “Are you alright? Is there anything I can get for you?”

Thorin shakes his head. “No thank you, Dori,” he sighs. “I am fine. Could you just take messages this afternoon so I can get one with some work.”

“Of course, Mr Oakenshield,” Dori quickly reverts back to the usual address. “Not a problem.”

***

Kili is all smiles and chatter when he picks him up. “I asked Aragorn about taken those days off for the driving course. He said it should be fine. So fingers crossed if I pass first time, you won’t have to keep chauffeuring me. Although I do like you picking me up. Means I get to see you as soon as possible.”

“That’s good,” Thorin responds absentmindedly.

Kili looks over at his fiancé. “You alright, babe? You look tired.”

“I am. Just had a difficult day.”

“Aaaw, hottie,” Kili smiles, resting his head on Thorin’s shoulder, “how about I give you a nice massage when we get home. Nothing smutty. Well, unless you want to of course,” he winks.

Thorin smiles vacantly, keeping his eyes on the road.

“But if you are not in the mood, then a nice massage and a hot bath will help. I will look after you, hubby-to-be.”

Thorin looks over and smiles warmly at his sweetheart. “Thanks, Kili,” he says softly taking his hand and pressing a kiss on top of it. “I love you.”

“Love you too, babecakes,” Kili smiles back and begins to knead the tension out of Thorin’s shoulders. “So what did Dori say about the wedding?”

At that Thorin smiles genuinely, grateful for something nice to think and talk about. He offers the suggestion of an autumn wedding, which Kili is immediately excited about. And they spend the rest of the journey home chatting about a colour scheme of auburn and gold.


	37. Guilt

He had dreaded this day more than he had dreaded anything for a very long time. He knew that Thorin and his friend Dwalin thought he needed to do this. But he is finally beginning to feel happy and confident in himself. Confident not in Kili the prostitute who was good at showing his clients a good time. But Kili the person, who is loved by Thorin and liked by his colleagues for his personality rather than the ability to make bloke scream out his name as they came. So how digging up all the hurt and horrors from the past is going to be any good for him is beyond him and he desperately does not want to be here right now.

His heart is racing as he is sat waiting in the mint green waiting room of Professor O. Farin. He feels sick so nervous is he and he has bitten his cuticles almost to bleeding point. He really does not want to talk to some stranger about having fucked with he-does-not-even-know how many guys. It is not that he is ashamed of any of it – he had done what he had to do and he had worked damn hard to stay alive and work his way up his career ladder too, no matter if others looked down upon his old line of work. But it really not something he wants to discuss with some old shrink.

His hand slides over his pocket, feeling the outline of his stash tin underneath. Over the years that little tin had become a relic to him, something that he knew was always there to offer him a temporary way out of his misery if he needed it to. But then he sees the silver band on his hand and he is reminded of his promise to the man he loves. That it was a one-off –well, in reality it was the third time since Thorin thought he had gone clean that he had had a smoke of the good stuff, but Thorin would only worry unnecessarily if he knew that. It is not like he has gone back to smoking pot several times a day. He does not need drugs now to keep him going, Thorin loves him and wants to marry him and will look after him. _But he cannot take away the nightmares that haunt me every time I close my eyes_ , he thinks with a sigh. Nightmares that are becoming more frequent the more he lowers his barriers.

“Mr Durin, Professor Farin is ready to see you now,” the receptionist smiles at him.

He jumps up from his thoughts and drags himself to his feet. _Man up, Kili. Just pretend he’s a client and you will have this guy wrapped around your finger in no time so you can go home._

The door is slightly ajar and he pushes it open further. The room beyond is small, but to Kili’s surprise it looks almost like a living room. He had expected it to be like a doctor’s surgery with a white couch for him to lie on and spill his troubles. But instead the room is elegantly furnished with bookcases and a comfortably looking settee with a little coffee table in the middle.

An elderly gentleman dressed in black jeans and a polo-shirt gets to his feet and holds his hand out. “Kili, nice to meet you,” he says kindly. “I am Oin. Please come and take a seat,” he points to the settee as he takes place in one of the large arm chairs opposite.

Kili is as surprised by the man as he is by the surroundings. What was he expecting? Some bloke in a long white coat and crazed white hair? But this guy looks as normal as any other guy you walk past in the streets, casual, comfortable and kind. And to his annoyance he finds himself relax in the professor’s presence. He does not like it. He had come here with his barriers firmly in place, having no intention to open up to some stranger about his darkest memories. And he feels uncomfortable that this guy already seems to be knocking his walls down before he has even opened his mouth.

“I will just explain a little bit about the purpose of today,” Professor Oin says kindly. His voice is soft but clear. “This is what is called a psychological assessment. Now it is nothing to worry about. All I am looking for today  to get to know you a bit better and gain a better understanding about some of the things you have experienced in your past. We are not going to go into any detail today. This is just as assessment to see if the treatment that I offer, which is called trauma-focused treatment, will be of benefit to you.” He smiles kindly at Kili who shifts uncomfortably on the sofa.

“Now I appreciate this must all feel very daunting for you and you are probably wondering why you need psychological treatment. After all you are not crazy, right?”

Kili cannot help but smile in slight embarrassment that this guy seems to read him so easily when he tries so hard to keep himself shielded.

“Well, you are right. You are not crazy. But I understand from your referral that you have experienced some traumatic events in your life. Those events may still be at the surface of your thoughts or they may be buried deep into your unconsciousness. Most likely it is a combination of the two, where memories of such events surface whenever there is what we call a trigger event, which is something that reminds you of the original event.”

Oin let’s this sink in and he watches Kili’s reaction carefully, making a few notes on his pad.

“The aim of trauma-focused treatment is not to alter your memories, because unfortunately they are what they are. What it does do is offer you a way to accept those memories from the past but not let them adversely affect your present. It will offer you tools to manage any thoughts that cause you discomfort or anxiety.”

Kili stares at the older man in front of him. He understands all that, but they are just words. How can this guy, who clearly has never had to spread himself wide over ten times in one night and let himself be ripped apart by fat old men offer him any help? Help with what anyway? He is doing rather alright for himself. Yes, sometimes those memories catch him off guard and he feels like the world is swallowing him whole. But all things considered he is sitting here healthy and happy so what more can this guy do that Thorin has not already done for him?

“I know that this is a lot of jargon to take in and I am sure you cannot see any benefit to any of this  right now,” Oin smiles kindly again. “But I suggest we just start and see how we go from here. Do you have any questions before we begin?”

Kili shakes his head, his lips pursed tight together and his eyes narrowed as he braces himself for the interrogation that is sure to follow.

***

He feels like he has been wrung through one of those old-fashioned dryers that squeeze clothes between two large rollers to push out the water. His eyes are stingy and red and his hands are shaking as he stands outside the building in which he has just spent the last sixty minutes spilling his heart out, dragging furiously on his cigarette. He feels annoyed with himself, annoyed with this shrink who somehow had effortlessly circumvented all his defences and dug deep inside his heart and soul. They had not gone into any detail as promised. But nonetheless they had talked about things that Kili had not even remembered had happened. To his surprise they had mainly talked about his family. His relationship –or lack of-with his mother and his brother. When those relationships had started to break down and how he had ended up in prostitution. They had briefly touched on the places Kili had worked, from the non-consensual sex – as Oin called it, which it really surprised him, he had never thought of it like that before –he had had in the early years to later on when he had more or less voluntarily pursued his career as a sex worker until he ended up with Spartacus. They had also talked at length about Thorin, how they had met, where they lived, how his fiancé made him feel – happy, loved, cared for, like he was worth more than £100 for a quick fuck – and how he felt about his engagement – surprised, but very happy and lucky.

By the end of it Kili had felt like he had told the guy everything and more about himself that there was to tell and he is not sure what else there is to say now. But Oin had told him that he now had a good understanding of Kili’s past and present and that he was going to look over his notes to recommend a treatment plan.

He brushes his fringe down further to try and hide his face as someone walks past. He is so mad with himself for crying like a girl. He never cries. What is the point? It makes him look weak and pathetic and it does not resolve anything. He does not even know why he ended up blubbing like a baby. He doesn’t feel sad. Just angry. Angry with his mum, who had thrown him away like a piece of garbage. Angry with every single guy who made him do things he did not want to do. Angry with Thorin for sending him here and making him feel like shit now. And most of all angry with himself for losing his composure.

“Shit, shit, shit,” he swears out loud, making the passer-by briefly look up, before he quickly walks on at an increased pace.

Kili pulls his phone out of his pocket and finds Ori in his contacts. _Hey babe, are you free? Can I come round?_

It is a couple of minutes before he gets a reply and he has almost finished his second ciggy, hoping that at some point the nicotine surely is going to help stop the shaking. _Hey sexy, yes I’m free. Sure you can come round! x_

_Cool, see you in half._

He stubs out his cigarette and makes his way towards the bus stop.

***

When he walks into the tiny little flat which is just round the corner from the club he is surprised to find Legolas and another who he does not know sat in Ori’s living room.

The blond and redhead smile brightly at him and promptly jump to their feet. “Kili!”

It is good to be back amongst old friends and he hugs and kisses each in turn.

“Lemme see, lemme see!” Legolas chirps as he grapples for Kili’s hand. “Oh my god, that is beautiful! Look at it, Ori! Fuck me, Kili you are one lucky bastard!”

“I am,” Kili grins as he plonks himself onto the worn sofa. He looks over at the other red-head and holds out his hand. “Hi I’m, Kili. Used to work with these two sexy bitches.”

“Gimli,” the other says as he shakes his hand.

“Ah, the famous other redhead that Ori here has told me so much about,” Kili smiles brightly as he accepts a bottle of cider from his friend who flops down next to him.

“I can’t believe you’re getting married,” Ori sighs. “You are so very lucky.” And to Gimli. “This guy is gorgeous too. And a multi-millionaire!”

Kili looks at Ori in surprise. He never thinks of Thorin that way. Of course he is rich, yes, but they just don’t talk about money much. It just means it is something Kili does not have to worry about anymore, although as agreed he does make a contribution towards the bills.

“Yeah you’ve done rather alright for yourself, haven’t you?” Legolas adds with a cheeky grin. “And I have not even had the pleasure to meet this tall dark and handsome lover of yours!”

“I know, I’m sorry. Things have just run away with me. Moving house, starting a new job, getting engaged!”

“How’s the job then?” Ori asks as he offers Kili a draw of his spliff. Kili hesitates for a moment. “You don’t smoke anymore?”

“I … I am cutting down,” Kili says softly, but he takes the joint anyway. “But a puff won’t do any harm.” He deserves it. After cutting his heart open this morning, he deserves something nice for himself. He takes a draw and hands it back to Ori, savouring the sweet earthy taste in his mouth. “It’s alright. A bit boring, just typing in numbers all day mainly. But the people are really nice there. There’s these two young guys, Sam and Pip, who I get on with really well.”

“I see, we’ve been replaced already,” Legolas teases as he lights one up himself.

Kili laughs and throws a pillow at the blond transvestite. “You jealous, sexy?”

Legolas pulls a mocking scowl and flicks his hair back. “Don’t flatter yourself, Kee,” he grins. “I have plenty of admirers to keep me occupied all night.”

“Oh I’m sure,” Kili grins taking a gulp of his cider. “My fiancé thought you were a hotty too.”

“I should think so. I _am_ a hotty,” Legolas answers coolly, but Kili can see the smirk underneath this sassy front of his friend.

Legolas finishes his joint and pulls out his own stash tin and chucks it and his tobacco pouch over at Kili. “Roll me one, babe,” he grins. Kili always used to be the best roller and it was something that he always used to do for Legolas whenever they used to go out together. It is habit and Kili opens up the pouch and begins to roll a new fatty for his friend. But when he leans over to hand the stuff back to Legolas the blond shrugs in his usual bored kind of fashion. “You have that one,” he nods waving a dismissive hand. He looks over at Ori, “Do you have any paste left, babe?”

Ori gets up and rummages around in the drawers of his old TV cabinet, pulling out a little sachet with thick off-white powdery crystals in it. He chucks it over at Legolas who promptly dabs his finger in the substance, rubbing it on his gums. “Want any?” he asks Kili, throwing the little sachet over before Kili has a chance to answer.

Kili looks at the powder and then over at Ori, who blushes slightly. They had smoked and had taken pills together before, a long time ago, but amphetamine was something Kili had tried to steer clear off. Skunk was one thing. Party pills was something altogether different and a few times they had fallen rather unpleasantly for him when he had taken them, sending his heart racing like mental and making him vomit violently. But speed really was taking things to another level and he had seen what effect it could have, sending some of their friends and colleagues into a complete psychosis and making them aggressive and paranoid. “I’m good …” he says, hesitantly giving Ori the sachet who under Kili’s disapproving eye does not take any for himself but passes it on to Gimli who is waving eagerly at him.

Ori shrugs apologetically and holds out his lighter to Kili. “Come on, babe,” he smiles sweetly. “We haven’t seen you for ages.”

“Yes sweety,” Legolas walks over and seats himself on the arm of the sofa, running his fingers through Kili’s hair. “We’ve missed you. Let’s have some fun!

***

Kili cannot remember how Legolas even ended up on the table, swinging around his _long schlong_ as his blond friend likes to refer to his manhood, but he finds himself on the floor laughing his head off. It feels like the good old days, hanging out with his mates, getting drunk and stoned and being silly together.

“Really missed you, babe,” Ori slurs, as he lies half passed out across Kili’s chest.

“Missed you too,” Kili admits and he wraps his friend in his arms. “But you’re gonna be my best man!”

“Can I be your bridesmaid?!” Legolas, who is now completely hyper, shouts from his position on top of the table.

“No,” Kili giggles. “Cuz everyone will end up looking at you!”

“I can’t help it that I’m gorgeous, honeypop,” Legolas purrs, pointing his dick at Kili.

“Put it away already,” Kili laughs.

“Don’t wanna have a little taste, babe?” Legolas laughs loudly at which Kili pulls a face.

“I am engaged!” he cries out indignantly. “I will do no such thing.”

“Aaaw, sweet little Kee,” the blond mocks playfully. “Once upon a time the star fuck of Spartacus is now a faithful housewife.”

“Fuck off, Leggers, I am not a housewife. I am not his fucking wife for a start!” Kili play argues back.

“Where’s Gwim….li?” Ori slurs.

“He’s already gone to work, you dumbass,” Kili laughs. “He left an hour ago.”

“Ohwyes,” Ori giggles.

“What time is it anyway?” Kili asks out loud and drags his phone out of his pocket to check. “Shit, it’s gone seven o’clock!” he realises with a shock. And he has seven new text messages, ten missed calls and six new voice messages.

He wriggles himself from under Ori who compliantly rolls over but does not make any further attempt to get off the floor.

“What’s the matter, babecake,” Legolas, who is now sat widespread on his haunches, teases him, “is it past your curfew?”

“Piss off,” Kili snarls and he walks to the kitchen to ring Thorin back whilst he scans through the messages.

_15.15 Hey flower, how did it go? Hope it was not too bad. Miss you. Give me a call when you get home xxx_

_16.30 Hey flower, hope you’re okay. Miss you lots. Can’t wait to see you. xxx_

_17.30 Hi sweetpea. Did you get home okay? Little worried I have not heard from you all day. Just leaving the office now. I’ll probably be home just after six. Looking forward to kisses! Xxx_

_18.20 Kili, where are you? Just got home and you’re not here. Tried to ring you twice but it’s going straight to voicemail. Can you call me back please? Xxx_

_18.30 Sweetheart, I am really getting worried now. Please call me as soon as you get this._

_18.45 Kili, where are you?!_

_19.00 Damn it, Kili, I am worried, please answer your phone!_

He feels terribly guilty as he reads the increased anguish in his lover’s messages and he does not even want to listen to the voicemails which are probably equally panicky. Still, Thorin must surely know he can look after himself by now?

“Hi sexy!” he tries to sound as sober and calm as he can manage when Thorin answers the phone.

“Kili, Jesus where are you?!” Thorin shouts down the phone. “I am worried sick!”

“It’s okay, babe, I’m just over at Ori’s.”

“Why did you not answer your phone?!”

“Sorry, Thorin, I put it on silent when I was at the shrink. Forgot to turn it back on. Silly me,” he giggles.

“Kili, are you drunk?” Thorin lowers his voice now, sounding more and more annoyed.

“Maybe a little,” Kili chuckles.

“For god’s sake, Kili, I want you to come home now!”

Kili stares at the picture of his fiancé on his screen and frowns. “I will come home in a bit, babe. Just catching up with some friends.”

“Kili, you are drunk, I can hear it in your voice. You need to come home now!”

“You can’t demand me to come home!” Kili snaps. “Who do you think you are? I am not your bitch!”

Thorin goes quiet on the other end of the line. Then he says quietly, clearly trying to restrain the anger in his voice. “Kee, I am just worried about you. Please will you come home? Did you say you’re at Ori’s? Shall I come and pick you up?”

“No, fuck off!” Kili snarls. “I don’t need to be picked up like a child from a kids’ party. I will come home when I want to come home.” And he presses the end-call button and slams his phone down.

“Daddy telling you to come home, poppet?” Legolas sneers, leaning against the fridge.

“Fuck off, Leggers.” Kili pushes the blond aside as he pulls open the door and grabs another can of lager out of the fridge.

“Daddy won’t be happy that you are not listening to him,” his old friend laughs softly, enjoying pushing Kili’s buttons as he always does when he is high.

“Well, _daddy_ will just have to wait until I am good and ready,” Kili smirks and he plants a firm kiss on Legolas’ lips. “Now let’s party for old times’ sake. After all, I’m getting married and we need to celebrate!!”

***

It is gone two o’clock in the morning by the time Kili finally manages to unlock the door and stumble inside. The apartment is dark and silent.

“Sssh,” he whispers, giggling to the ball of wriggling fur under his arms. “Don’t wake Thorin up or he’ll be mad.”

The cat jumps out of his arms as soon as he lets it go and darts under the sofa.

“Silly thing,” Kili giggles to himself as he goes to put out a little saucer of milk for the streetcat. “Come here!”

Suddenly the light flips on. “Kili,” Thorin states icily. When Kili looks up at him his eyes are hard under his frown.

“Why aren’t you in bed?” Kili asks from his knelt down position.

“I was in bed. I heard you come in. Do you have any idea what time it is?”

Kili shrugs and returns his attention to the cat.

“It is nearly half past two in the morning. You may not have to get up tomorrow, but I do.” As Thorin steps forward the cat makes a dash across the room again. “What the hell?! Is that a cat?!”

“I found it just outside,” Kili smiles brightly. “It was all cold and hungry.” He gets to his feet and rubs himself up against Thorin. “Please can we keep him, sweety, please?” he slurs.

Thorin pushes him back and holds him at arm’s length. “No. We’ll talk about this tomorrow. Look at the state of you. Jesus, Kili you are a mess. Now get yourself to bed.”

As Kili does as he is told, Thorin makes attempt to catch the black cat that is staring at him from under the sofa with huge green eyes and which hisses angrily at him as soon as he comes near. _Oh fuck it,_ he thinks. It will just have to stay there for now, he is too tired to go chasing after a moggy in the middle of the night. He tips away the milk and replaces it with tap water.

He turns off the light and closes the door, following Kili into the bedroom.

“So can we keep it?” Kili tries again, bouncing on the bed.

Thorin gives him a cold stare and slides himself under the duvet on the other side of the bed.

“Thorin?” Kili tries.

“Go to sleep.”

“Are you angry with me?”

Silence. He tries to snuggle up against Thorin’s back, but his fiancé angrily shuffles away from him. In the end he sighs in resignation and turns himself over. He knows full well that he has fucked up again and that Thorin is pissed with him. And sleep does not come to him as his head continued to spin wildly under the influence of alcohol and weed. _You stupid fuck,_ he scolds himself, spinning the engagement ring around his finger over and over again.

Suddenly an all overwhelming fear grips him and he begins to shake as tears are spilling onto his pillow.

“Kili?” Thorin asks sleepily as he is once more awoken by the brunet. “Are you crying?”

“No,” Kili sniffs.

He can feel a strong arm wrap around him.

“Why are you crying?”

“You are gonna break up with me,” he gasps through his tears.

Thorin sighs deeply, feeling drunk from the lack of sleep. “I am not going to break up with you. I am angry yes, because I was worried sick about you. But I am not breaking up with you. Now go to sleep, flower.”

Kili continues to sniffle for a little longer, but eventually sleep takes him as he drifts off in Thorin’s protective embrace.


	38. Doubts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to witchesdelite for "Shadow" and some of the ideas and lines. Always so much appreciated, hon!

Thorin is surprised when Kili appears in the doorway, just as he is gathering his papers to put in his brief case. His beloved looks rather dishevelled and sheepish in his dressing gown, shuffling his feet a little awkwardly.

 “Make sure that cat is gone when I come back,” Thorin says coolly, not looking at Kili.

“You’re still mad with me,” Kili sighs softly.

“Yes I am. You acted like a thirteen your old yesterday. I was worried about you and clearly I had every reason to be because judging by the state you were in when you finally decided to come home last night ...”

“I am sorry,” Kili interrupts, pulling a pouty face. He walks up to Thorin and flutters his eyelashes. “I will make up it to you tonight, babe,” he purrs, sliding his hands down Thorin’s chest towards his belt.

But Thorin stops him in his track. “I am going out with Dwalin tonight.”

“Oooh,” Kili whines and attempts to snake his hand around to grab Thorin’s backside.

“Stop it,” the older man growls, making Kili jerk back his hand. “I am in no mood for this right now. You can’t just fix everything with sex, Kili. I have got to go to work now. I will see you tonight before I go out. And do me a favour, clean yourself up. You smell like a liquor store and you look a mess.”

Kili bows his head in reprimand and watches Thorin grab his briefcase and jacket before he storms out of the door, slamming the front door behind him. He has never seen Thorin this angry before. He had thought that since Thorin had given in to cuddles last night that perhaps he was forgiven his stupidity but clearly that is not the case.

He sinks himself down onto the sofa, sending the stray that he had brought in last night flying across the room in a panic. “Oh god,” he chuckles to himself. “How did I even end up bringing in a cat?”

He picks up his phone from the coffee table and opens up whatsapp.

_I’m sorry, babe. I know I messed up. I promise the cat will be gone. Please don’t be mad. I love you xxx_

He stares at the phone for almost ten minutes, but Thorin does not reply. In the end he gets up and drags himself back to the bedroom where he passes out on top of the duvet.

***

“Oh, so sorry Mr Durin!”

He slowly opens his eyes and stares at the flushed face of their housekeeper. He grabbles with his robes, trying to cover himself up, flushing in equal embarrassment as Tauriel flees the bedroom. When he eventually appears she is feverishly polishing the window sills.

“I eh … I am sorry, Tauriel, I forgot that you were coming today.”

“Is okay Mr Durin. I’m sorry. I think you are out.” She looks up at her boss’ partner. Normally Kili is happy and chatty, but today he looks sad. “You okay, Mr Durin?”

“Kili,” Kili tries again. “And no, I had a row with Thorin.”

“Row?”

“Argument. He’s angry with me.”

Tauriel cocks her head at him. “Why angry?”

Kili sighs as he turns on the kettle. “Because I fucked up. I got drunk yesterday. Got home late.” He looks at the red-haired girl and shrugs. He is not in the mood for such a personal conversation with someone who barely understands what he is saying. “Anyway,” he abandons the kettle, “I’m gonna have a shower and then I’ll be out of your hair.”

Tauriel looks at him with a confused expression.

“Shower. Then out,” Kili tries to simplify it.

“Ah okay, Mr Durin,” Tauriel smiles and returns to her duties.

As he stands under the hot shower, feeling slightly worse for wear after the poor treatment he had given his body the previous night, he feels so low. Why whenever he is just trying to have a nice time does someone end up mad and disappointed in him? All he had wanted to do was catch up with some old friends whom he had not seen since he had moved in with Thorin. Yes, he had had too much to drink – as demonstrated by the cat that was now running around their house; he should probably have warned Tauriel about that – and he should have answered Thorin’s calls. But that had simply been a mistake; he had not intentionally ignored him, he had just forgotten to turn his phone’s volume back on. Really Thorin is being unreasonable. He is an adult; he does not have to explain himself to Thorin. Is this what married life is going to be like? Having to justify his whereabouts to his husband all the time?

He yanks a towel off the rail and dries himself off roughly. He is really mad with Thorin thinking about it now. How dare he treat him like he’s his possession? Demanding him to return home when he is having a nice time with friends. He can just imagine how Thorin would react if he does that to him when he it out with Dwalin tonight, ringing him up and shouting at him to _come home now_. He would not like to be treated that way so why does he think he can treat Kili like that?

He stomps into the bedroom, remembering this time to lock the door before he starts to get dressed. Once he has pulled on his jeans and a t-shirt he picks up his phone and notes the smiley face in the corner of the screen.

 _Love you too. We’ll talk later. Got to go into a meeting now. X_ Is all it reads and Kili can sense the undertone in the short message. He locks the screen and stuffs the phone away. _Fuck you then_ , he thinks, still angry with Thorin for mothering him. He unlocks the door and steps into the living room where he finds Tauriel on her knees stroking the black stray.

“I not know you have cat,” she smiles up at Kili.

“No, neither did Thorin,” Kili grumbles, then laughs. He strides over and picks up the black cat, which is now purring happily. “Sorry, moggy, you’ve gotta go back outside. Thorin does not want you staying.” He shrugs at Tauriel who pulls a sad face, understanding something of what he just said. “I will leave you in peace now. See you later!” And with the cat under his arms he leaves the apartment.

He puts the cat down outside and it immediately darts into the shadows of the furthest corner. “Sorry, Shadow,” he smiles at the green eyes beaming back at him. “Looks like we’re both back in the gutter, eh?”

He is not quite sure where to go. Ori and Legolas will be asleep still. He could go and see his brother, but then again he is bound to get a lecture there too over something rather and he really cannot deal with that right now. In the end he decides to just walk into town, do some shopping, maybe get something nice to cook for himself and get a DVD if Thorin is not going to be around later. And with the sun beaming down on him he puts on his brightest smile, ignoring the nagging sadness deep inside him.

***

When Thorin arrives home he is surprised to find the cat from last night curled up on his doorstep. As soon as he approaches he expects the critter to run off but instead the cat stretches itself upright and begins to thread itself through his legs, purring loudly. “We’re friends now are we?” he smiles, bending himself down to stroke the animal’s back. “Well, you are a cute little thing.”

As soon as he opens the door the cat shoots inside, straight into the living room. “Oi!” Thorin runs after it, but it has already disappeared under the sofa.

Kili smiles at him, raising an eyebrow. “I thought we weren’t keeping it?” he teases.

Thorin cannot help but laugh at his cheeky lover. “It tricked me!” Then he spies the box of catfood on the counter. “No wonder!”

“I gave it him outside. I did not feed it in here, I promise!” Kili says, feeling himself blush as if he’s been a naughty child again.

Thorin sighs and shakes his head.

“I have called him Shadow…” Kili adds in a whisper, waiting for Thorin’s outburst.

“Shadow?” Thorin looks at the cat who has now reappeared from under the sofa and is rubbing himself against Kili’s legs. “I like that. It suits him.”

“Does that mean I can keep him?!” Kili cries out.

Thorin sighs. “I guess.”

And Kili flies around his neck, kissing him hard. “Oh yay, you’re the best!!”

“Last night you told me to fuck off,” Thorin smirks. “You change your tune quickly.”

Kili flushes in embarrassment. “I am sorry, babe.”

They had been exchanging messages during the day and throughout the course of the day their mutual anger had begun to subside. They both flared quickly but neither could remain angry at the other for long.

“You still going out tonight?” Kili asks, hopeful that now Thorin is no longer mad with him he might get to spend the night with his lover.

“I am,” Thorin confirms however. Then he takes Kili’s hand, suddenly serious. “Kili, we do need to talk.” Immediately Kili’s barriers shoot up, almost visibly so, and he frowns. But Thorin is not going to give in to his sulking boyfriend that quickly. “I really am upset about yesterday.”

“I know,” Kili sighs. “I have said sorry though, what else do you want me to say?”

“I don’t want you to say anything, flower,” Thorin says quietly, taking his other hand as well. “I just want you to think about me, how I feel, when you do stuff like that. I was so worried last night; I had no idea where you were. You have no idea what horrible things were going through my mind of what could have happened to you that you were unable to answer your phone.”

Kili stares back at Thorin, flabbergasted. He had expected Thorin to give him another lecture. But not this. And it hits him harder than anything. “I … I am so sorry,” he stutters. “I did not think … Shit.” He stares at the floor, not able to deal with the sad look in his lover’s eyes. “I really am sorry for upsetting you,” he whispers.

Thorin pulls him in close and hugs him tight, kissing him softly on his temple “I know, flower. I don’t want you to think that I won’t let you see your friends. Or that you need to explain to me where you are or what you are doing. I would never expect that from you. You value your freedom and so do I. That is one of the things I love about you. But yesterday I thought that that appointment with professor Farin probably was quite difficult for you. And then I could not get hold of you. All I ask is that you just let me know you are okay. I am just a natural worrier.”

“Okay, I promise,” Kili smiles softly.

“Okay.” Thorin brushes his thumb across Kili’s lips. “Just more thing,” he sighs, knowing that this really is adding oil to the fire but equally knowing they need to talk about it. “Why did you  lie to me, flower?”

“What do you mean?” Kili asks, flushing under Thorin’s stare.

“You told me you would not smoke again. But I know you have. You were oozing it when you came to bed last night. I am not stupid, Kee, I know what weed smells like.”

Kili lowers his eyes again. “I … I have, I am sorry,” he says again.

“Why do you do it, Kili? When you keep saying you’ll stop. I am just trying to understand.”

“I … I dunno. I just felt shit after that meeting with the shrink. And my friends were all smoking it. They offered me one …”

“And did it make you feel better?”

“Yes. Well, it did yesterday. But now I feel shit about it.”

Thorin bends himself forward and presses his lips against Kili’s, giving him a soft kiss. “I had best get ready now. Will you stay here tonight?”

Kili nods. “I will. With Shadow,” he smiles shyly.

“With Shadow,” Thorin rolls his eyes.

***

“Congratulations!” Dwalin cries out as his friend walks into the pub, but his face immediately pulls into a frown. “Oh dear, that is not the face of a man who is happily engaged. What’s happened?”

“Let me buy us a drink first before you give me the third degree,” Thorin smirks and he orders two pints of a local bitter before they shuffle themselves into a corner.

“Spill,” Dwalin commands simply. “What is on your mind?”

“Just had a rough few days. Well, weeks really,” Thorin sighs, taking a sip from his drink.

“Home? Work?”

“Both.”

“Common’ mate, this is hard work. Tell me what’s up.” He knows better than to make a guess out loud at his friend’s worries.

Thorin takes a deep breath. And he tells Dwalin about the things that have happened at work, from the assault all the way up to the call from the press.

“And yesterday Kili had his appointment with professor Farin.”

“Oh good, how did that go?” Dwalin hopes that there is a light at the end of the tunnel for his friend, but his expression tells him otherwise. “Not good then?”

“He went to see his old workmates afterwards. When he finally came home at two o’clock in the morning he was drunk and stoned off his head.”

Dwalin looks carefully at his friend who stares hard at his pint. “Look Thorin, I’m gonna be frank with you. You know what us Scots are like, none of this English pussyfooting around. So tell me honestly, do you really think he’s worth it? Are you sure you want to marry this guy?”

Thorin takes another deep breath. “I don’t know,” he rumbles in his deep voice. “I … My heart tells me one thing, but my head tells me another altogether.” Then he looks up into the bright eyes of his best friend. “But I have spent my entire life following my head. From the day that my father beat me to a pulp for being gay and threatened to kill my first boyfriend.” Dwalin frowns. Thorin had never told him about that. “I am forty two years old and following my head has given me a great career and more money than I know what to do with. But it has not brought me love. And god, I love him, Dwalin. I love him so so much and I feel that for this one time I need to follow my heart. I am a fool for it, I am totally aware of that. But I cannot bear the thought of not having Kili in my life. Of coming home to an empty apartment, sleep in an empty bed. He makes me so happy. Yes, some days things are bad, but when they are good I feel like the happiest man alive.”

Dwalin nods slowly. “Thorin, you know I will support you whatever you choose. But Kili is a very traumatised young man. Are you sure he will not just keep making the same mistakes again?”

“He is getting help,” Thorin answers quickly. “He will learn how to deal with his past in a better way.” He looks at Dwalin with concern in his eyes. “Won’t he?”

Dwalin considers him for a moment. “He will. If he decides to stick with the treatment. It won’t be a quick fix, mate. There are no magic solutions. If he chooses to drink and smoke himself into a stupor after the initial assessment, how do you think he will react when Oin starts to dig deep into his darkest memories?”

“I will stick by him,” Thorin says stubbornly. “Everyone has always given up on Kili when the going got tough. But I will be there to support him. In sickness and in health, right?”

“Sure. Question is, Thorin, who will be there to support you when the going gets tough?”

Thorin looks at him silently, a plea in his eyes.

And Dwalin smiles. “Always, my friend. Now let me buy you another drink. We’re here to celebrate your engagement after all!”

***

When he walks into the living room at just gone eleven he smiles at the sight in front of him. Kili is asleep on the sofa, curled up, with the black cat lying comfortably on top of his hip. The animal stares up at him, looking perfectly at home and making no attempt to run away. “Look after him for me, Shadow,” Thorin whispers to the cat before he presses a gentle kiss on his lover’s cheek.

“Thorin?” Kili utters sleepily. “Did you have a nice time?”

“I did. Wanna come to bed with me?”

As he makes slow love to his sleepy fiancé Thorin looks at the beautiful face underneath him, those deep dark eyes, that sweet cheeky smile. “I love you,” he groans as he releases inside his sweetheart, feeling Kili wrap his legs tight around him.

“Love you too, Thorin,” Kili pulls him close, breaching his lips with his tongue.

And entwined they fall asleep, with the little black cat snuggled up against them.


	39. Suspended

“Kili!”

He jolts upright, frantically looking around him. “Thorin?! What’s the matter?!” he calls out as he jumps out of bed and storms stark naked into the living room. “What’s happened?”

Thorin stands pointing. “It peed against the wall.”

Kili’s eyes grow large in astonishment. “You got me running butt naked in here because the cat peed against the wall?”

“It is not funny,” Thorin crosses his arms, although he looks his lover up and down and then begins to laugh.

“I am sorry, pork pie, I didn’t think we were keeping him, so I didn’t get a litter tray,” Kili smiles and gives Thorin a kiss. “I will clean it up and pop into town later. Get some other things as well. We’ll need a carrier basket. And a scratching pole. And some of that flea stuff.”

Thorin smiles into his lover’s hair. It is nice to hear Kili be so concerned over the welfare of another living being for once. “Now that you’re up, would you like anything for breakfast?”

“I will make it for us in a mo,” Kili says to Thorin’s surprise. “I’ll just have a fag first,” he walks up to the kitchen drawer and pulls his smokes and a lighter out.

“Perhaps you should get dressed first?” Thorin smirks. “Before you get arrested for flashing your bits to the entire neighbourhood?”

Kili glances down and laughs. “Good point.” And he turns to leave.

Thorin clears his throat and point as the wall again.

“Ah yes, sorry,” Kili smiles his sweetest smile and begins to rummage in the cupboard under the kitchen sink for gloves, a cloth and some cleaning spray. As he begins to clean up the strong smelling mess he glances up at Thorin who stands watching him. “You are getting a kick out of this,” he grins. “Seeing me on my hands and knees scrubbing. You dirty bastard.”

Thorin just laughs. “Maybe I should sack Tauriel and get you scrubbing for me all day. Get you a little French maid outfit and some fluffy gloves to go with it. Hm mmm,” he jokes before walking off to have a shower.

When he reappears in the living room Kili is already dressed in a smart pair of jeans and a blue and white striped long-sleeve shirt. Thorin raises an eyebrow at this rather smart appearance of his usually more casually dressed lover. “Going anywhere nice?” he smiles.

“Yes, and so are you,” Kili grins.

“I am?” Thorin cocks his head.

“Yes.” Kili looks at his watch. “And you had better hurry and get dressed as our taxi will be here soon.”

“Taxi? Where are we going?”

“Stop asking questions and just get dressed. Something smart-casual. Not your usual over the top suit, we are not going to a funeral,” Kili sticks out his tongue.

Just as Thorin appears, the doorbell rings. Kili beats Thorin to the front door and opens it with a smile plastered across his face.

“Taxi for Mr Durin?”

“Yup, that’s us. Thorin!”

“Kili, where are we going?” Thorin asks, feeling slightly uncomfortable about all this. He is not good with surprises, with not knowing what is happening. “What about Shadow?”

“He’ll be okay. We’ll pick up all the stuff on the way back, we will only be gone for a few hours.”

“Where are we going?” Thorin tries for the third time, but Kili silences him with a kiss and drags him down to steps towards to waiting cab.

When they are sat down in the back, Kili smiles brightly at his lover and takes Thorin’s hand. “We’re just going to have a nice brunch somewhere,” he explains, understanding that Thorin will enjoy this more if he knows what is going on. “I know I have been a tit lately and I just wanted to surprise you. We haven’t even had a chance to celebrate our engagement yet.”

Thorin’s face lights up. “That’s so sweet,” he smiles and kisses Kili softly, squeezing his hand.

The taxi ride is not long. Thorin looks out of the window of the cab to see where they have stopped and then glances back at Kili. “Here?” It is a lovely restaurant, one that he has been to a few times himself. But not at all the sort of place he had expected Kili to pick.

His younger lover smiles. “I know where the crème de la crème eat their toast,” he winks. “And this called for something special, right?”

Thorin smiles forcibly, suppressing the thought that undoubtedly Kili has been here before at the arm of a rich client. But he is not going to let that which he would rather not think about ruin this lovely surprise.

Once they are seated and offered various menus, Kili orders two glasses of champagne with the waiter. Thorin smiles brightly as they are poured the expensive bubbles in the fine crystal wear. “You are spoiling me.”

“You deserve to be spoilt,” Kili raises his glass. “And it is thanks to you that I can spoil you. Thank you so much for everything you have done for me, my love. To us?”

“To us,” Thorin raises and clinks his glass against Kili’s before sipping at the sour sparkling wine.

They place their orders with the waiter and Thorin is just about to say something, when Kili pulls out a box, holding it out to him. “I know it is not tradition, but we are not exactly a traditional couple anyway,” he giggles. “I wanted you to have a token of our commitment, also.”

Thorin takes the box and opens it, admiring the fine silver bracelet inside. “It’s beautiful,” he gasps. “You needn’t have …”

“I wanted to,” Kili smiles. “I want people to know you are mine as much as I am yours.” He flushes nervously. “If … if you want to of course.”

Thorin holds out his wrist to allow Kili to place the bracelet on it. “Of course I do, my flower. It is so beautiful and so thoughtful. I love it. I love you!”

They bend themselves forwards to share an awkward brief kiss across the table, not caring if any of the posh guests might take offense at such a gesture.

“I thought maybe we could do some wedding planning,” Kili smiles. “Over a nice breakfast.”

“That sounds lovely,” Thorin takes another sip of his champagne.

“So ehm … how soon …?”

“This autumn? I was thinking the beginning of October?”

“That is like only four months away!”

Thorin snorts. “I did not know you needed to plan so much for our big day. Is that for all of the twenty or so guests we are going to invite between us? Because unless you have a regiment of friends hidden away somewhere that I do not know about, I think our guest list will be relatively small.”

Kili laughs. “You are right. Still, we need to book a venue, give notice … Oh, I don’t wanna wear a suit,” he blurts out. “Would … would you mind that?”

“Sweetheart, you can wear whatever you want,” Thorin smiles, then throws Kili an amused look. “Actually, I revoke that comment. I would like to veto what you are proposing.”

Kili laughs loudly. “What on earth do you think I will wear?!”

“I don’t know… Have seen pictures of that friend of yours …”

“Legolas? Oh god, he wants to be bridesmaid he said.”

Thorin laughs heartily at that. “I really have to meet this guy.”

“You really don’t,” Kili grimaces playfully. “So anyway, I was thinking something more classical. Still a suit, but not like a work suit. I don’t want to look like we are going to work.”

“You want tails? Tails and top hats?” Thorin jokes.

But Kili beams back at him. “Yes! Oh Victorian style! Dickensian! Oh I would love that, babe, you would look so hot like that!”

 Thorin raises a surprised eyebrow but he is actually quite taken with that idea. “I does sound romantic,” he smiles. “Maybe we can book some big Georgian country house somewhere.” The thought of dressing up does not particularly appeal – he is not one to draw such attention to himself. But then again, that is ultimately what weddings are. And it will just be close friends; it might actually be quite a lot of fun. Besides, the thought of peeling Kili out of his Victorian suit to consummate their marriage afterwards is a rather attractive proposition.

“What are you smirking about?” Kili teases.

“Nothing,” Thorin smiles warmly. “So shall we set a date then?” He pulls out his phone and scans his calendar. “How about the third of October? That is a Friday. Would that be okay for you?”

Kili shrugs. “I don’t think we need to worry about my diary, sexy. Sounds fine by me.” He sighs softly.

“What’s up, flower?”  Thorin asks, concerned that there appears to be a shift in Kili’s happy demeanour.

“Nothing is up. I just still cannot quite believe this is happening. You and me. Getting married. It feels like a dream and I am still expecting to wake up at any moment and find myself back in my old flat.”

“But you are not dreaming,” Thorin smiles, taking his hand and rubbing his thumb across the back of it. “You are real. I am real. This – us – is all real, sweetpea.”

Kili nods, smiling. “Thank you, Thorin. Thank you for everything.”

***

"Goodmorning!" he calls out chirpily to his colleagues having a smoke under the little canopy left of  the front door. After the lovely relaxed weekend with Thorin he feels in a particularly good mood. However he feels his spirit drop almost immediately as the response is not the one he'd got used to over the last few weeks. One of the guys completely ignores him and almost makes a visible point of turning his back. And the two girls look rather flushed as they greet him in return and he can hear them whisper as he walks past although he cannot pick up what they are saying.

He shrugs as he walks into the building and presses the button for the lift. He's probably just imagining things. Maybe the guy just had a shit weekend and the girls were probably just discussing someone they fancied.

The lift stops at the first floor to allow another colleague on. He does not know the guy other than by face and he is surprised to receive a massive grin in greeting. He nods back politely in return as he watches the doors close.

"That's some career progression, eh lad," the older suited man continues to grin.

"Excuse me? " Kili says, startled by the unexpected comment. He is grateful that at that moment the lift pings to notify its arrival at his floor and he speeds out of the lift.

"Morning Sam!" he greets his new friend. Pippin usually arrives after the both of them.

"Morning Kili," Sam says quietly, not looking up from his screen.

Kili is beginning to wonder if he's forgotten to put on deodorant or something this morning as everyone seems to be acting so oddly towards him.

When he arrives at his desk and puts down his bag he does not even get a chance to open his mouth before Aragorn jumps to his feet. "I think we need to have a chat, " he says not looking at Kili as he storms towards one of the meeting rooms at the back of the office.

Kili feels his heart begin to race. Clearly something is up but he has no idea what he has done wrong! It is Monday morning and he has not been in the office since Wednesday. Did they somehow find out about him smoking pot? It's the only thing he can think of that could get him in trouble. Did Thorin grass on him? What would be the point in that though? He is the CEO, if he wants him in trouble he can sack him himself. And he does not think Thorin would not have mentioned such a thing to him, he is far too open book for that.

He can feel his phone vibrate in his pocket and hesitates for just a moment. But he decides that if his manager is going to have a go at him he probably does not want to keep him waiting whilst he is checking his private messages. And he decides to ignore his phone for the moment as he chases after Aragorn.

As he closes the door behind him he feels even more nervous as he finds John already waiting beside Aragorn.

"Good morning," he stutters, unsure how to react to this unfamiliar situation.

"Take a seat please," John says calmly.

Kili nods and takes a seat at the little round table. He tries to assess the body language of the two men - something that after years of providing such an intimate service to men he has become quite good at. They are both clearly trying to keep a calm and professional appearance although they are clearly agitated. And they look almost embarrassed.

"Do you know why we've called you into the room here?” John begins.

Kili shakes his head. His phone vibrates again, telling him he's got a voicemail now.

"You did not see the article in the Istari Journal on Saturday?" Aragorn adds looking even more uncomfortable than his colleague.

"What article?" Kili really feels utterly confused now. He doesn't ever read newspapers personally. He has had enough misery to deal with in his own life without having to read about that of others. He knows Thorin reads some of the economics and more prestigious papers, but he does not go near a sensationalist tabloid like the Istari Journal.

He watches with horror as John opens his portfolio folder and hands him a copy of said paper.

 _Hooker to Hero._ It reads in a big bold statement on the front page.

"Someone brought the article to our attention, " John scrapes his throat awkwardly.

"Thorin!" Kili gasps as he scans the article, which continues on page four. He has a sudden cramp in his stomach and he feels sick. The article is about the arrest and charge of the filthy bastard who'd touched him up not so long ago, who had threatened to rape him and who seemed to have been causing so much trouble for him and Thorin since. But worse is that the journalist has mentioned that Mr Lakes is an ex-employee of Oakenshield Investments Plc. And they have somehow got wind of the fact that Thorin is dating Kili, an ex sex worker. It then goes on to speculate that Mr Lakes got sacked because he - Kili - knew his past and that ultimately that led to his arrest. The whole story is full of misrepresented facts and wild guesses. But there is enough truth in it. Made all the more horrifying by two pictures - one snapped of him and Thorin together that he does not know anything about and the other the same picture that keeps haunting him, the old sales photo of him in a rather uncompromising position, although edited so that it is suitable for print.

He can feel a deep blush creep into his neck and cheeks and he cannot even bring himself to look up. He had always maintained that he was proud of what he did.  That it was still a job and he had been good at it. But sat here opposite to men who up till now had treated him with such respect but are now obviously judging him, he wishes that the ground would just swallow him whole.

"You see, we have a problem,  Kili," John says calmly although his cheeks are also a little coloured. Having this conversation with any  employee would be awkward enough. But this is his boss' fiancé! "It is not the fact that you ... well ..."

"Oh just say it!" Kili snaps. John not even wishing to say the word is making him feel even more dirty than he already did. "A prostitute! I was a prostitute!"

"Let's just stay calm,” Aragorn days sternly.

Kili wants to rage at him, but thinks better of it and grinds his teeth together.

"The problem is," John makes a second attempt, "that you lied to us.  You got this job on the basis of the information you provided on your CV and in the interview. And that information was false. "

Kili knows he should try and mitigate the damage but he cannot help but smirk.  “Yes, because I am sure that you would have hired me if I'd told the truth!” he snarls.

"That, Kili, is really by-the-by. People get hired on the basis of their relevant previous experience. If everyone just wrote on their CV what we wanted to hear rather than the truth we might as well not bother with the process. "

Kili can feel himself break out into a sweat. "So you're gonna fire me,” he whispers.

"It is not that straightforward, Kili. There are procedures we need to go through. You'll have a chance to appeal."

Kili laughs a little hysterically, feeling cornered.  "What would be the point in that?! It's true. You might as well sack me now. "

He notices the shift in the two men's faces before the door opens and Thorin comes storming in, looking nothing like the calm gentleman that he's used to seeing at home. Immediately the other two jump to attention.

"What the hell is going on?! " his lover bellows. Kili stares at him wide-eyed. He's never seen him in such a rage before. Thorin is usually so calm, quietly spoken. Even when he has one on him he never looks this flustered and never shouts this loud.

"Thorin, I have spoken with Elrond and he asked me to ..."

"I know you have!  As have I!" Thorin continues his tirade. "And this is not happening! How dare you speak to Kili without speaking to me first. "

John is about to open his mouth, but Kili beats him to it.  "Excuse me?" he gets to his feet eyeing his fiancé. "I'm a grown fucking man, Thorin! I don't need you coming in here talking for me! "

"We were just following standard procedure," John adds, feeling really flushed now to find himself in the middle if a domestic between his boss and his gay lover. "When I spoke to Elrond he said to suspend Kili. It's as much for his own good, Thorin. Lots of people have seen the article."

"Hello, I'm actually here!" Kili waves his arms as he feels like a kid between two arguing parents. He turns back to John.  "So I'm suspended?”

"Yes."

"No! " Thorin growls, slamming his hand on the table.

John gets to his feet now as well. Whilst Aragorn is just doing his best to blend into the magnolia wall behind him, wishing he could exit the room without having to pass Thorin first.

"I'm sorry Thorin, but it is not for you to say," John says, shaking now as he's laying his job on the line in favour of his integrity.  "You are an accomplice in this. You knew about Kili's history and yet you let us interview him on false CV and hire him on a lied interview. This company may well have your name on it, but this is a floated company. You can't just do stuff like that Thorin, you know that better than any of us!"

"Enough!” Kili screams, his anxiety at its peak now. "Just sack me! I don't even want to work here anymore when everyone is going to be sniggering behind my back or make lewd comments. This is not Thorin's fault, it’s mine! The only thing he's to blame for is to fall in love with a dirty whore like me and try and make a better life for me!! And now I've ruined everything!  Again!" He turns to Thorin now.  "You don't deserve this. I'm so sorry. I only bring misery to people! I wish you'd never met me! "

"Kili!" Thorin reaches out to grab hold of his man, but Kili backs away and makes a dash for the door.

"Kili!!" Thorin shouts after him as the office freezes in stunned silence over the soap opera playing out in front of their eyes. He turns back to John and Aragorn. "This isn't finished yet," he warns them, before he chases after his love.

Kili has a good head start and he's already disappeared from view by the time Thorin reaches the pavement. He dashes to his car which he had abandoned across the pavement and curses as he rips the parking ticket off the front windscreen, wishing that the council were as efficient in all their tasks. He starts up his car as he presses the call button to Kili’s mobile. As expected the call diverts to his fiancé’s answer machine as he pulls away. “Kili, please answer you phone,” he pants. “Sweetheart, don’t run off. You don’t bring misery to me, Kili, I love you! Please ring me back.” He terminates the call as he begins to scan the street, driving as slow as he can in the direction of town, hoping to spot his lover. He cannot have gone far yet, but he is not sure which direction he has taken off in. And to his desperate frustration he does not see him anywhere.

***

As he jumps on the bus his heart is pounding. He runs up the stairs onto the deck and takes a seat right at the back of the bus, curling up behind the row of seats in front. Tears begin to flow as he takes a gasp of air. Why does everything in his life always have to turn to shit? Why does everything he touches always have to go tits up? He will never be able to shake off his past. No-one will hire him knowing what he did before and now his only chance of a fresh start has been taken away from him.

But worse – far worse – is John’s threat to Thorin. He was an accomplice in the lie. As was Dwalin. Had they all risked everything for him? Will Thorin lose everything he has worked so hard for all his life because he had fallen in love with the wrong guy?

His phone begins the vibrate and he stares at the picture of Thorin flashing up on the screen. “I am sorry love,” he whispers, as he rejects the call. Thorin should not be chasing after him. The best thing he can do is pack his bags and go. It might break Thorin’s heart for a while, but at least then he will be able to move on, find love again in someone who is deserving of him. Who will not blemish his name, his career.  He will only bring shame to him. As he had brought shame to his mother and to Fili.

He is not even sure where he is going. He has just taken the bus towards the centre of town. He only really has one place to go other than home and that is Ori’s. But he knows that that will be the first place that Thorin will go look for him. Still, where else can he go?

 _Mate, are you in?_ he texts his friend.


	40. Some things are worth fighting for

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings!!

By the time he arrives at the nearest stop to his friend’s place he still has not had a response, but he decides to chance it anyway. Ori may have been called out on a day-time client visit – which happens occasionally – but more likely he will still be in bed and simply not answering his phone.

He walks slowly towards the apartment, feeling a heavy weight settle in his stomach. His phone vibrates again and he hopes it is Ori, but finds yet another message from Thorin.

_Please Kili, you promised you would at least let me know you were okay. I worry so much about you, flower xxx_

He sighs and his guilt takes over as he presses the call button.

“Kili? Oh god, Kili, thank you for answering your phone. Are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” Kili says, trying to keep his emotions under control. He is not going to stand here crying on the pavement like a baby. Thorin needs to hear to cold truth. “Babe, I want some time out,” he states.

“Oh Kili,” Thorin sighs. “Please … Please don’t do this on my behalf. I … if you don’t want to be with me, then … But please do not make that decision for me.”

“Thorin, listen to me. Ever since you met me I have caused you nothing but grief. You deserve so much better. I don’t want to drag you down with me. I care too much about you to watch you destroy yourself for my sake. Please Thorin, I want us to have some time apart. Think this through. You … you know I am right.”

He can hear the older man take a shuddering breath in and he wonders if Thorin is crying. He cannot think about that. He cannot think of his beacon, his strength falling to pieces because of him.

“Kili, I … Can we talk about this face to face? Perhaps you are right, but I want us to talk it through properly. Only two days ago we were laughing about having Dwalin dress up as Fagin for our Victorian wedding and now you talk of leaving me.” He can actually hear a suppressed sob now and it tears at his heart. “I want to be with you, flower. I want to marry you. None of this is your fault. I knew the risks I took when we started dating. I knew that my reputation would be on the line if anyone found out about how we met. But I choose you regardless. Because I love you, Kili.”

Kili can hear the desperation and the heartache in his sweetheart’s voice and he is struggling to bite back his tears. “I … We will talk about it later,” he sighs, trying to very hard not to lose it. “Just let me be for a while.”

“Okay,” Thorin reluctantly agrees. “Could you at least tell me where you are?”

Kili hesitates. If he tells Thorin he is bound to get mad him, remembering the state he got in the last time he was there. But what else can he tell him? He will need to learn to trust him if they are to somehow work this out. “I will be at Ori’s.”

“Okay,” he can almost hear Thorin bite back what he really wants to say. “Thank you, flower, for talking to me. Just … just look after yourself. Please know that I love you more than anything in the world and I will never give up on you, on us.”

“Right,” Kili answers curtly. “Gotta go now. I will call you later.” And he quickly terminates the call before he loses his last shred of composure. He wipes the back of his hand angrily across his face, removing any traces of tears, before he walks up to the apartment block.

He is surprised to find the other red-head, Gimli, is the one to open the door. “Kili!” he exclaims happily. “What a pleasant surprise!”

“Is Ori here?”

“I’m afraid not. He’s out with a client. Got a good one, as well, is taking him to the Malmaison!”

Kili grins. He had been taken there a few times himself and it was a very chiq hotel indeed with large soft beds and bathrooms the size of a football field. Of course now he lived in such luxury daily. And once more he cannot help but think that ultimately he is just Thorin’s personal rent boy. Now that he does not have a job anymore, what else is there to him then to be Thorin’s bed-treat? He might as well just ask him to pay him a wage for that again and accept that that is all he will ever be – a good lay. Fuck it, he is! And if that is what Thorin likes about him then let him pay for it, he thinks venomously. He knows his barriers are up already. He cannot let them down or he will fall to pieces right there and then.

“Come in though,” Gimli holds the door open for him.

Kili hesitates for but a second. He does not know Gimli and he does not really want to be around anyone at the moment. But he can just pass out on the sofa here for a while until Ori comes back from his job . “Alright, cheers. I did not know you lived here now.”

“Yeah, spent so much time here that we thought I might as well. Means we can share the rent and have a little more left over at the end of the day. You want a drink?” he calls out as he walks into the kitchen.

“Cup of tea please,” Kili answers as he lights up a fag and plonks down onto the worn sofa. He takes in the familiar surroundings. Nothing much has changed in the dingy apartment, other than Gimli has moved in some of his stuff.

When Gimli comes back he smiles and puts glass on a deep honey-coloured liquid in front of him.

“I asked for tea,” Kili eyes him.

“You look like you need something stronger than tea,” Gimli grins and he takes a sip from his own glass.

Kili sighs. He knows he shouldn’t, but it is impolite to argue with the host. And it is true that he could do with something to take the edge of his misery. “Cheers then,” he nods and takes a big gulp of the cheap rum.

“So I saw the article,” Gimli says matter-of-factly.

 _Oh great._ Kili avoids his gaze and stares hard at the contents of his glass. “Did Ori?” If he did he could have fucking given him a heads up!

“I dunno. He was passed out most of Saturday and Sunday. Has been doing some real late nights. He is quite in demand at the club at the moment. Has obviously learnt from the best,” he tries to compliment Kili.

Kili smirks, taking the compliment as it is given. _Damn right he did,_ he thinks to himself.

“Is that why you are here looking like shit?” Gimli probes unashamedly as he rolls himself a fatty. “Want one?” he holds out his stash tin.

“Nah. And yeah, I guess. They read it at work.” He wonders why he is even talking to this stranger. But what the hell, maybe it is easier. “They’ve suspended me. Basically it is a posh way of firing me.”

“Ah, sorry mate,” Gimli says genuinely. “I thought your lover ran that place though?”

“He does. But apparently it just means he is a trouble too because he got me the job when he knew what I did before.”

“Ah shit, mate.”

They sit in silence for a while as Kili drags on his fag and sips his rum. He thinks back to everything that has happened since he first met Thorin. This crazy rollercoaster ride of emotions. And he wonders what on earth has been in it all for Thorin other than sex? Kili had got an amazing home, expensive clothes, the promise of a driving licence and eventually a car, and the job he had now lost out of it. But Thorin? All he had received in return for his kindness was shit. He continued to let him down, nicking his car, taking drugs and soiling his reputation. There was nothing good that he could give the man other than a blow job. _And love …_ He catches himself for being so goddamn sentimental. This was not a bleeding fairy-tale. Love was all good and well, but it did not warrant destroying a man’s life for it.

He jumps to his feet, feeling utterly desolated. “Want a top up?” he calls to Gimli as he goes in search of the bottle. The other gratefully accepts.

Kili remains standing and stares out of the window, looking down at the dirty streets below. He thinks sourly that money really does not make anyone happy. He is just as miserable now as he was before. No, worse. At least before he lived with people who accepted him for what he was, what he did. They were all in the same boat. But now he feels like a blemish on the pure white carpet of society. A stain that should be washed out before it spreads. He takes another sip from his rum, feeling the sweet burn run down his throat and warm his insides.

He knows now he has been an idiot. This thing with Thorin, it can never work. They are two completely different creatures, come from different worlds. And he feels the ache spread through his chest as he realises his sweet bubble has burst. He should have known. Had known, truth be told. He had waited for this day to come since the first day that he and Thorin had slept together. He had always known that the road would one day come to an end and Thorin would come to realise that he was not the person who he saw through his rose tinted glasses. That he was just a no-good prostituting junky. Only Kili has come to realise it before his love-struck lover has.

A single tear runs across his cheek and he wipes it away angrily. There is no point in tears. It was inevitable. It has been fun while it lasted but now it was time to get back to reality. And reality for him did not mean luxurious apartments and flash cars. Not unless it was at the pleasure of some rich horny businessman.

He pulls out his phone, reading Thorin’s latest message. _I love you, Kili. And I miss you. Xxx_ He will have to reply to it later. When he has built up the courage to tell him he needs to forget about him. He knows the stubborn bloke is not going to let him go easily, but he will just have to man up and face the music. Such is life, shit happens.

 _But I love him_ , that stupid thought shouts at him inside his head again. _If you love him, if you really love him, you will let him go,_ the devil on his other shoulder retorts. _You will let him live his good life without ruining it for him. Wanting to be with him is just being selfish. He deserves so much better than you._

His heart feels empty as he acknowledges his conscience. And he shuts down his emotions – as he has learnt to do from the very first time he was forced to have sex. He will let life continue to rape him, he knows how to deal with it. But not Thorin. It will destroy him. It might already be too late, but perhaps if Kili just accepts his fate Thorin’s reputation can still be salvaged.

He breathes in the sweet earthy smell of the smoke that Gimli is blowing out, feeling that familiar stirring inside him. He had promised Thorin. But that promise was now obsolete. Thorin no longer needed to worry about him. He would never have to worry about him again. He turns to the red-head. “Go on then, give us a smoke,” he smiles, resigning himself to the life he knows he is destined for.

***

Thorin is climbing the walls of his apartment, feeling completely helpless. Is Kili serious about them breaking up or is he just throwing a tantrum under the pressure what has happened today? He hopes it is the latter, but his heart is aching at the notion that Kili is even considering ending it between them. He cannot live without him. He knows it sounds ridiculous and pathetic in a way, but it is the truth.

He wants to give his lover the space he has asked for, if it means there is a chance for them. He respects Kili and he respects his wishes. And he will have to respect his decision if this is really the end of the line for them.

 _But I will not let you go without a fight!_ he thinks with a sudden determination. Things have been tough but things have also been good. He had known from the moment he had realised he had fallen in love with Kili that he was in deep. That he would potentially be putting his reputation, his career, on the line. He was not so naïve as to think that the secret of Kili’s past would never come out and he certainly did not expect everyone to accept his relationship with a male ex-prostitute. HE was wealthy and influential and although he was no celebrity, he still faced the wrath of society when he stepped into the shit. He had thought it over and over in his head. Especially after things had started to turn sour at work. He had even considered whether he should end it with Kili, knowing that at any moment his life could be in ruins.  But he had made his decision. And even now he sticks by it. He loves Kili. He loves him more than he has ever loved anyone in his life. And they will grow old together, if Kili will just let him help him. He will even sacrifice his career for him of he has to. Some things are just worth fighting for and he finally realises that that thing is love and not money or a career.

He is not stupid. He does not think he is some miracle healer and he knows that the road ahead of them is long and painful. But he is willing to walk every step of that road, hand in hand with the man he loves.

He grabs his car keys. _I am sorry, Kili,_ he thinks. _But I cannot let you do this._ If Kili wants to break up with him, he will have to tell him face to face. He is not going to be dumped over the phone. He has tried to give Kili space and freedom in the past and every time Kili had fucked up. And he is beginning to realise that his technique is not working. If Kili is going to act like a child he will need to be treated like a child for a while. Until he has had the proper help and the proper means to deal with his demons. And he will drag him back home kicking and screaming if he has to. Kili needs to calm down and think about this again once he has. If he still does not want to be with him then Thorin will have to face his heartache – he cannot hold Kili’s heart hostage. But he knows deep down Kili is just being irrational. That he is just making his usual spur of the moment decisions. That when things get tough he gives up, because he expects everyone else around him to give up. And it is easier to be the first to throw in the towel.

He shakes his head sadly as he finally is beginning to see the pattern. It is all about control. Kili is trying to have some control over his life. And this is his way to do it. Rather than wait for John to fire him, he will hand in his job. Rather than wait for Thorin to break up with him, he will dump him first. Because he has learnt to expect the worst outcome always, he has also learnt to press the red button first. In Kili’s mind the outcome will be the same, but at least it has happened at his own fingertips rather than be forced upon him.

“Oh sweetheart,” he sighs out loud as he jogs down to the garage. “You poor poor love.” He jumps in his car and puts in the address of the club, knowing that Ori’s place is just around the corner from it.

***

“Kili!” the red-head screams at the brunet whose head is lolling on the sofa as he continues to ramble nonsense in between the violent vomiting. He shakes the man hard. “Kili, stop talking crap! Look at me.” He tries to slap some sense into the handsome brunet.

It works momentarily as Kili’s widened pupils try to focus on him. “Ori?”

“No, Gimli. Shit, Kili, what the fuck are you playing at?”

After Kili had smoked his joint he had broken down in tears and had started to pour his heart out at him over this guy he was dating and who he has now going to break up with. Gimli had not really known what to do with this sudden outburst of emotions and had offered the only help he knew to give. Kili had argued weakly with him over taking speed, but after Gimli has assured him that it would make him feel a lot better afterwards, he had eventually agreed and accepted the straw to snort up the line that Gimli had laid out for him. He had seemed fine for a good ten minutes or so, looking much brighter and happier almost straight away. Snorting amphetamine was quick as it hit the bloodstream so immediately.

But then he had started to twitch and suddenly he had gripped his stomach and thrown up all over the carpet.

“So hot,” Kili gasps as he cheeks are flushed.

“I … I will open the window,” Gimli stutters and he rushes to do so. When he turns back round, Kili is making attempt to sit up again. “Kili, just lie down!” he calls out. Everytime the older man tried to get up he had started to throw up again, followed by these violent jerks of his arms and legs. “Shit Kili, I don’t know what to do,” he panics.

“Thorin…” Kili whispers. “Please… Call … Thorin. I … I don’t feel so good…”

“You don’t fucking say!” Gimli cries out in desperation as he looks for Kili’s phone. Luckily there is no password on it and he quickly scans through the address book until he finds a mobile phone number for this guy called Thorin. He presses the call button as he watches Kili who now has a sheen of sweat across his pale brow and is breathing rapidly.

***

“Kili!” Thorin calls out in surprise as he answers the call. He had not expected to hear from his lover again for hours.

“No, it’s Gimli.”

“Who?”

“Gimli.”

“Who are you? Where is Kili?!” Thorin can feel his heart starting to race as he talks to a stranger on his lover’s mobile.

“He … he is …”

“Fuck it!” Thorin shouts out as he loses reception and the line is cut dead. He quickly pulls over as he watches his phone pick up signal again and returns the call.

“Hello?!” a panicked voice answers.

“It’s Thorin. We got cut off. Where is Kili?”

“He’s here. He … he’s ill.”

“What sort of ill?” Thorin tries to ask calmly. This is not the time to panic. “Are you at Ori’s?”

“Yes. He’s …”

“Has he taken drugs?”

“Yes.”

“Call an ambulance!” he shouts down the phone. “I am on my way. Call a fucking ambulance, now!”

“Okay.” He can hear the voice on the other end of the line sob, before the call is terminated. His hands are wet with cold sweat and shaking as he pulls onto the road again, flooring his car as he speeds towards the apartment.


	41. Circle of Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emotions running high in this chapter. Apologies for the profanities!

Frerin. All he can think about as he drives as fast as he can towards Ori’s place is his baby brother. That fateful day when he had found his limp lifeless body in his bedroom, already ripped from this world. He can see that picture clear as day before his eyes again. A nightmare that will never truly go away. He can feel the deadweight of his body as he takes him into his arms, rocking him, cradling him, shouting and crying for him to please please PLEASE wake up!!!

He had felt that unbearable sickeningly helpless guilt then. These maddening thoughts of what if. For years he had asked himself the same question – could he have done anything different? Should he have seen the warning signs? Why had Frerin not told him he was quite that desperate that he wanted to take his own life?

Now similar thoughts are racing through his mind. What could he have done different? He had tried to give Kili love and comfort. He had tried to give him support. He had tried to be understanding. He had tried to make him see how his poor decisions made him feel. What else could he possibly have done?

“Stop it,” he reprimands himself out loud. _You have done all you can. You are not responsible for his choices. You can only offer him love and support. But the rest is up to him. Your brother was a frightened and abused teenager. Kili is a grown man. You have given him everything. Now he needs to take responsibility for himself._

He comes to a screeching hold around the back of the club, trying frantically to remember which apartment Ori lives in.  “KILI!” he shouts out, hoping to reach someone who can point him in the right direction.

“Here!”

He looks up towards the direction of the call and sees a flash of red hair and a boy waving at him. He dashes towards the apartment block, the door already unlocked, and accelerates up the stairs until he reaches the open door, with the ginger boy standing in the doorway looking sickly pale. He does not bother to introduce himself as he pushes past the lad and into the apartment.

“Kili!” he pants as he sinks onto his knees next to his lover, who lies on the sofa, shivering as the sweat drips off him.

“Thorin?” Kili’s eyes shoot open, his eyes black as his pupils are so widely dilated.

“Kili, what have you done? What have you taken?” He can see that his love is drifting in and out of consciousness and although there are a thousand and one things he wants to say,  most importantly he needs to get information for when the paramedics arrive.

Kili’s head lolls to one side again and Thorin flicks his head to the red-head who hovers nervously in the corner. “What did he take, Gimli?!” he says with the stern authority that comes so naturally to him.

“Paste.” Gimli realises that that probably means fuck all to the well-dressed gentleman. “Amphetamine,” he clarifies, pointing his finger to the remnants of the drug on the coffee table.

Thorin feels the fury rise up inside him. At this stupid lad who has supplied his husband-to-be with yet more drugs. At Kili for being so goddamn irresponsible and selfish all the time. At John and Elrond for being so insensitive. At the press and that scumbag who had started all this. But he takes a deep breath to calm himself down. This is not the time to lose his rag. “Anything else?”

“He smoked weed before that. And he drank two glasses of rum. That … that is all I know about.”

Thorin turns to his lover again, who is threading his hand into his now. “Kili, you fucking idiot!” he shouts out with a sob. “Why did you do that?! Why would you do that yourself? To me?!”

Kili opens his eyes again and Thorin can see the tears brimming in them. "I ...,” he whispers. "sorry.” He shivers again and then curls his legs towards his chest. “My … my arm …  hurts,” he gasps. “I’m scared!” he cries out suddenly and the fear flits through his dark eyes.

“It is okay, love,” Thorin tries to calm him, stroking the back of his hand and running his other hand through Kili’s soaking wet hair. He turns to Gimli again. “Go downstairs and wait for the ambulance. Tell him what he took as you guide them back upstairs,” he orders and he watches the boy nod and quickly disappear. As he looks back at Kili his younger lover begins to draw laboured breaths. “Kili, I am here,” he tries to reassure him. “Everything will be okay. The ambulance is on its way.”

“Why … why are you here?” Kili pants.

“Because I love you, you stupid twat!” Thorin growls at Kili through his tears. “How many more times do I need to tell you I will always be with you, before you believe me? I fucking love you, damn it!”

Kili, not used to hearing his gentleman lover utter such debauchery, laughs tiredly. “I love you too.”

After the earlier threats of wanting time out and possibly leaving him it is the one statement that knocks the air out of Thorin’s lungs. “Oh Kili,” he sobs as he pushes his face against Kili's  chest, letting his tears through freely. “Please stay with me.” Just then he can hear the sirens of the ambulance approach.

“Thorin …!” Kili gasps again as he clutches his chest. “Oh god! I … I don’t want die, Thorin. I never meant to … Oh shit, babe, I am so scared. So … hot …” His eyes begin to shift out of focus again as he draws in more rapid laboured breaths.

“Sssh, flower, sssh, they are here,” Thorin strokes his hand over Kili’s wet forehead. “You will be fine. You are not going to die.” In reality he is really not sure what will happen. He has not got the first clue about drugs or what damage they can do, other than what anyone has heard about celebrities dropping dead in their hotel rooms. But for both their sake he will have to hold on to the belief that Kili will be just fine.

He is relieved when he can hear rapid footsteps come up the stairs, swiftly followed by the appearance of the boy and two paramedics. He gets to his feet, making space for the professionals. His eyes remain trained on his lover’s face. _Please let him be okay_ , he sends a prayer to a god he doesn’t believe in. His pulse is racing as he watches the paramedics do their work, putting instruments around his lovers arm as they check his blood pressure.

"What's your name, love?"

"Kili."

"Okay Kili, my name is Steve. We're going to take care of you. Can you remember what happened?"

The conversation fades out as Thorin focuses on Kili's face, flushed and frightened.

“Sir.” He shakes himself back from his teary stare as he realises the female paramedic is talking to him. “Sir, are you a relative?”

"He's my fiancé,” Thorin states.

“We have to take him to the Queen Elizabeth immediately. You can come with us.”

Suddenly there is a flurry of activity and Thorin loses track of what is happening in what order. All he can hear is the male paramedic’s words ringing in his ears - “He is going into cardiac arrest!” The rest is just a blur as he helplessly watches the ambulance staff try to resuscitate the love of his life. _No, this cannot be happening. Please, I cannot lose you!_  The shock of the defibrillator is violent and he cringes as he watches the electricity jerk through Kili’s limbs.

“I have got a pulse,” he believes he hears the woman say, before he is pushed aside. He watches the two paramedics work calmly, efficiently as they lift Kili up and strap him onto the stretcher.

“Are you coming in the ambulance with us, sir?”

“Yes,” he says shakily, wishing to throw himself at Kili and hold onto him tight, but knowing that he needs to let these people do their job. He looks up to the young lad who stands shaking in the corner. “Gimli,” he says with authority. “Call Ori. Tell him what has happened and tell him to come to the Queen Elizabeth as soon as possible.”

“Yes … yes, sir,” Gimli stutters.

He chases after the medics and climbs into the front seat as he is ordered to. The ride to the hospital with the sirens screaming their path through the traffic  is one of the worst things he has ever experienced, knowing that his lover is so very ill behind him, yet out of sight and reach. The Queen Elizabeth is only fifteen or so minutes away but it feels like hours have passed before they finally pull up in front of the emergency entrance.

“You will have to wait in the waiting room, sir,” the female driver states. “Someone will come over to see you as soon as we have stabilised him.”

He nods, realising his hands are shaking. He watches his man be wheeled off into the hospital. He cannot even tell if he is conscious or not as the paramedics are obscuring his view.

And suddenly he finds himself standing alone outside and it feels like he's gone deaf as an eerie silence settles around him. He feels dazed and exhausted. He thinks he needs a coffee to settle his nerves, try and stop his hands from shaking. But before that he needs to ring Fili. He is Kili’s only relative that he has contact with and he deserves to know what has happened to his brother.

He walks towards the entrance to the emergency waiting room and takes his phone out of his pocket, dialling the number for Fili.

“Thorin?” an out of breath voice comes on the other line.

“Fili, yes. I am sorry to call you. But it’s Kili…”

“Thorin, this really is not a good time…”

“He’s in hospital.”

“What?! How?”

“He has taken a drug overdose.”

He looks at the phone, finding that the line has been terminated. He thinks that either he or Fili must have lost reception – damn mobile phones! – so he rings back.

“I am about to drive my wife to hospital as she has gone into labour!” Fili immediately rants down the phone as he answers on the fourth ring. “So you can deal with my fucking useless waste of space brother! I have not got time for his shit! I have my own family to worry about!” Thorin holds the phone away from his ear, taken by surprise by the man shouting at him down the phone. “Tell him he’s a twat and thanks for ruining yet another important day in my life!” Fili adds cruelly before he terminates the call again.

Thorin stares at the screen, feeling a deep all overwhelming sadness for the brothers. And he wonders if this time Kili really has broken things for good between him and Fili. He can hardly blame his brother-in-law. Fili is right to put his wife and unborn child first. "Oh Kili,” he sighs in frustration. "Why do you never think about any of these things?" He just prays that Kili will get a chance to regret his decisions and make it up to his brother and that Fili can one day forgive him.

Right now, he can only focus on one thing – for Kili to pull through this. What happens thereafter will have to wait its turn.

He grabs a quick takeaway latte and walks into the emergency waiting room where he takes a seat in the corner. It is busy with mothers with young children, a boy with what looks to be a broken arm, an elderly gentleman who is wheezing and a middle aged couple of which the problem is not immediately obvious. He closes his eyes as he tries to block out the noise around him.

Minutes seem to turn into hours and people leave and new ones arrive.  With each passing moment his worry grows. Surely by now they would have stabilised Kili? Has something gone wrong? Has he had another heart attack? Are they trying to resuscitate him right now?

Is he going to die?

"Sir, are you with Kili Durin?"

"Yes!" he jumps to his feet towering over the short nurse.

"They are just about to transfer him to the ward. You will be able to go and see him shortly."

"Is he going to be okay?"

"He is stable now, but because he went into cardiac arrest twice they are going to keep him in for observation for a few days. And to make sure there is no other organ failure."

Thorin nods, feeling relieved on the one hand and more terrified than ever in the other now someone has put into words what the effects of Kili's stupidity could be. "Thank you."

"If you would wait a few more minutes, sir, and someone will take you to see him."

***

Kili looks so young and so fragile when Thorin is led into the room. But he throws him a weak smile as Thorin takes a seat next to the bed as the nurse pulls the door closed behind him.

“Hey,” Kili says softly.

“How are you feeling?”

“Knackered.”

Thorin nods and looks at Kili silently. The brunet feels himself waiver under the stare and he looks down at the white sheets.

“Why, Kili?” Thorin asks eventually.

“I did not mean to … I was stupid. Sorry.”

More silence.

“You nearly died today,” Thorin says, trying to stay calm. “Your heart stopped twice.”

“I know.” Kili slowly looks up into the beautiful grey blue eyes of his lover. “I am sorry,” he says again.

“You keep saying sorry. But you keep doing it. I could have lost you today. Do you care so little about me?”

“Of course not!” Kili snaps. “It wasn’t about you!”

“But I think it was. You did this because you thought you needed to decide for me that it is not good for me to be with you. But the thing is, Kili, I am a grown man too. I can make those decisions for myself. I do not need you to think for me. And I am telling you that I want to be with you, that I am madly in love with you and always will be. So you tell me now, to my face, that you do not want to be with me. Not because of what you think I want, but because of what you want. Because if you don’t want to be with me, then I have to accept that and I will leave now and never come back. This is your choice now, flower. What do you want?”

Kili stares at him, looking for the right words. He wants to say all those well-meant things about how Thorin is better off without him. But he can feel the tears rise up as he sees the determination in Thorin’s eyes. He will leave him. Leave him and never come back. If that is what he wants .... _No! No, that is not what I want!!!_ But …. But …

“I want you to hold me,” he suddenly sobs. “I want you to love me.”

He can feel himself break down as Kili speaksr the truth. He carefully slides his arm behind Kili, careful not to pull at any of the wires that run to the monitors as he pulls him into his arms and begins to cry like he has not cried for years. “You stupid, stupid boy,” he sobs. “I will always love you. I will always be here to hold you. But you must let me. Please let me love you. Let me try and make things better for you.”

“For us,” Kili wraps his arms around Thorin as he cries into his shoulder.

Thorin pulls back and wipes Kili’s hair out of his face. “Yes, us.” He takes his hand and presses a kiss on the silver engagement ring. “Oh Kee, I was so scared. So scared to lose you.”

“I am so sorry,” Kili cries openly now. “I mean it, Thorin. I did not mean for it to happen. I … I want to get help. I don’t know why I keep doing it. I am so scared that I have ruined it all for you. Your career … I cannot …”

“Kee,” Thorin says sternly. “That is my life. My decisions. Stop it, right now!”

Kili is silenced by the authoritative tone and nods at his lover.

“Do you want to be with me? Do you love me, Kili?”

“Yes!” Kili says firmly. “I do. I love you, Thorin!”

“Then will you work with me to make this work between us?”

Kili nods softly.

“You are thirty years old, Kili Durin. You need to take responsibility for yourself. I can give you all the tools, all the openings. I can hold your hand and be at your side. But I cannot take those steps for you.”

“I know.”

“You became an uncle today.”

“What?!”

“Fili text me, just before they let me see you. You have a little niece. She was born an hour ago.”

Kili stares at the ceiling, tears filling his eyes once more. “I have fucked it up for him again,” he whispers. “Is he angry with me?”

“Kili, your brother has just become a daddy. At the moment all he cares about is his wife and his new-born daughter, which is as it should be. But the fact that he text me and wanted me to tell you about your niece tells me that he wants you in his life. But the Kili we all love. The caring, funny and loving Kili.”

“I … I know.”

“She is called Felicity Kayleigh.”

All the grief from years of hurt, rejection and self-loathing come to the surface all at once at the realisation that his brother, who he has made to suffer so much for him, has named his daughter after him. And he wails unashamedly as the tears keep coming and never seem to stop. And Thorin cradles him and rocks him and kisses him. “I love you, flower,” he whispers. “Silly, silly little flower. I will always love you.”

***

There is a tap on the door and carefully it opens. Thorin releases Kili from the embrace and looks up at the red-haired young man in the doorway.

“Ori,” Kili smiles faintly, wiping the tears away in embarrassment.

Thorin bends himself forward and presses a kiss on Kili’s forehead. “I will leave you with your friend for a moment. I will see you in a bit.”

“You will come back, won’t you?” Kili asks, suddenly scared that Thorin will not keep his promise.

“I will, flower.”

He walks up to the door, looking at the worried look on the red-heads face who nods nervously at him. “A word before you go in, Ori,” he says, grabbing the lad by the upper arm and guiding him outside of the room.

“Th … Thorin,” Ori squeaks in fright as he is pushed up against the wall – not brutally, but forcefully nonetheless.

“You listen to me, Ori. Kili’s heart stopped twice today. I nearly lost him. You nearly lost him! You are supposed to be his friend!”

“I … I was not there,” Ori whispers defensively.

“I don’t care, Ori. This is not the first time he has come away from your place having taken drugs. Now, we can be friends for Kili’s sake. But if I find that you or any of your friends have tempted him with drugs one more time, I swear to you I will come and find you and make you regret it. Do you understand me, Ori? This is not just his last chance. It is yours also. If you cannot be a responsible friend to him, then you are no friend at all. Is that clear?!”

“Y …yes,” Ori whines softly.

Thorin lets him go and watches the boy flee into the room. He feels bad for frightening the lad. He likes Ori and he knows he was not there when Kili took the drugs. But that group of friends is a poisonous influence on his lover. And he thinks that Ori is probably the most likely to take notice of his threat and might actually try and help Kili stay off the drugs. He needs to try and break this cycle somehow and he cannot do it alone.

***

“Thorin!” Fili smiles brightly as he walks onto the maternity ward several floors up from where Kili is. Fili jumps to his feet and embraces the older man. “How … how is he?”

“He will be alright,” Thorin says, clasping Fili’s arm in a friendly gesture, giving the blond a reassuring smile. “Congratulations on your daughter,” he hands him the card and the gifts that he had bought in the hospital gift shop and walks up to the bed, where Lyn lies cradling her daughter. “Congratulations,” he smiles at her, squeezing the hand she holds out to him.

“Thank you, Thorin,” Lyn smiles back. “Is Kili alright?” she repeats her husband’s question.

“He will be. And how are you?” This is not supposed to be about Kili and he will make sure it is not. Fili and Lyn deserve the joy of the day their daughter was born without it being tainted by Kili’s stupidity.

“I am fine, thanks. It was all very quick. I was even able to give birth naturally, which we were not sure would be possible because of her condition. But it all went swimmingly really,” she beams at the little bundle hidden in her arms.

Thorin looks at Fili, who is now stood at the other side of the bed, for an explanation.

“Would you like to hold her?” Fili smiles nervously at him.

“Oh yes, if you will allow me,” Thorin smiles warmly and he accepts the precious bundle in his arms that Lyn holds out to him. He pulls the blanket back to look at the little bright pink face of the baby girl.

“She … she has Downs,” Fili says softly, anxiously awaiting Thorin’s reaction.

Thorin beams as he looks at the crumbled little face. He can see the facial features that identify her condition, but how does any of that detract from this amazing miracle? “She is beautiful,” he beams in earnest. “Such a precious gift. Congratulations, Mr and Mrs Durin,” he smiles at the new parents who both sigh in relief. “Hello, little Flick,” he coos at the little girl, cradling her carefully as he runs his large hand carefully along the soft cheek, watching the big bright blue eyes open and blink back at him, knowing full well this is the closest he will ever come to having a family.

 _Kili, I swear to you, you had better be there for this little girl_ , he thinks to himself. _She will be your reason to live, your reason to be the man I know you are. You may hurt me. But don’t you dare let this precious little princess down or I will personally make you pay for it._


	42. Support

"Thorin …" Fili says as he walks into the hall with the man, "…about earlier.”

"Don't mention it," Thorin reassures. "Your wife and child were your priority and rightly so."

"Thanks," Fili smiles with a little embarrassment for losing his cool with the gentleman earlier. "You are a good man, Thorin. Thank you for looking after him. And thank you for coming to see us. "

"You're most welcome."

"Can I please ask a favour? Would you not mention anything to, Kili.  About Felicity's condition. I want him to get to know her first. That's why we hadn't told anyone. We have known for a long time, but we only told Lyn's parents. I wanted my wife to have a pregnancy like any other mother-to-be. I wanted people to congratulate her on becoming a mum, not commiserate her because our girl is not quite the norm. And I want people to get to know my daughter before they pass judgement. You know that people are like... "

Oh he knows that all too well! "Not a problem. He'll love her, Fili. I love her. She's beautiful and she will grow up to be an amazing woman. You should be so proud."

"I am,” Fili beams, so grateful that Thorin is so down to earth and so genuinely nice. His brother really has struck gold with this guy and he wishes Kili would just stop messing around and accept his luck. "I think she's perfect."

To Thorin's surprise Fili grabs him into a hug. "Are you going to see him now?”

"I am, before I go home. Do you want to come along?"

Fili shakes his head, flushing. "I ... I can't. Not today...  I know you must think I'm a bad person... "

"I don't. I am in no position to pass judgement. When will your wife and daughter be allowed home?"

"Not for a couple of days. They are still doing tests. There are a lot of associated conditions that they are checking her for."

"If Kili is allowed, would you like him to visit tomorrow? To see his niece?"

Fili considers this for a moment. He's scared to face his brother. Scared to see what he's done to himself this time. And scared of his own anger and disappointment in him. "Okay," he reluctantly agrees. He sighs, “I am sorry, Thorin, I do love my brother, it is just …”

“Fili, please, you do not need to explain to me. I have spent four months with him and I feel like I am on the edge of my sanity. You are a good brother to have stuck by him for so long. I love him like mad, but my god he is hard work!”

They both laugh. “I will see you tomorrow then,” Fili smiles and Thorin nods and walks towards the lift.

 

When he arrives back in Kili’s room Ori has already left.

“I think you scared him off,” Kili snorts.

“Good. You are both idiots,” Thorin states.

Kili scowls. “That is easy for you to say, Mr Chief Exec. You have never been on the receiving end. You have no idea what you do in order to keep the nightmares at bay. I don’t know anyone who gets fucked by strangers ten times a day and does not take something to put their soul to rest when their body gets abused.”

Thorin flushes and takes a seat again and takes Kili’s hand. “I know. I just want to protect you,” he sighs. “I cannot lose you, flower. I wish I could just make it better for you.”

They sit in silence for a long time. “Did you see Fili?” Kili asks eventually.

“I did. If you are allowed off the ward tomorrow you can go and see him. Meet your little niece. She is gorgeous, Kee. You will love her. You are going to be the best uncle,” he tries to encourage his lover. “When she is older she can stay over at ours and we can go to the zoo or …”

Kili sighs and looks away.

“What is the matter, flower?”

“I will be lucky if Fee lets me see her at all. He’s never going to trust me again. I am hardly a good role model.”

Thorin smiles, happy that at least something appears to have hit home with his love. “Then you must do your very best to change that. This is a new chapter for all of us, sweetpea. Your brother has become a dad. You are going to become a husband …”

Kili looks back through his eyelashes. “You still want to go ahead with the wedding?” he asks nervously.

Thorin wriggles his wrist in response, making the engagement bracelet that Kili had given him glisten in the fake light.

“I had best be going now, flower. You need to rest.” He stands up and bends down to press a lingering kiss on Kili’s lips. “I love you, Kili.”

“I love you too, babe. Will you come back tomorrow?”

“As soon as they let me in, I will be here. Sleep well, my love.”

***

As he sticks his keys in the door this horrible feeling falls over him like a woollen blanket, heavy and hot. When he opens the door he realises this is the first time since he took Kili to the holiday home that he has returned home alone, will have to sleep alone. And it feels like he has left Kili at the morgue rather than the hospital.

He is actually grateful for the fact that the black stray had moved in with them, so he is not entirely on his own. And watching the little ball of fur jump up in the hope for food actually makes him smile as it reminds him of Kili. Kili behaving irresponsibly under the influence, but at least it was the good, caring impulsive side rather than the self-destructive one.

He gives the cat some food and watches it eat as he leans against the breakfast bar. And suddenly this woeful feeling washes over him once more, as if it had been sat patiently waiting on his shoulder until he had finished his tasks and could concentrate every bit of himself on his misery, his heartache, his worries …

He had spent all day focusing on everyone else. Arguing the toss with his colleagues over the way they had reacted to the article. Trying to stay calm as he had anxiously waited to hear back from Kili; trying so hard not to think of all the dreadful things that could have happened to him. He had stayed as composed as he could throughout the ordeal with Kili, trying to stay calm for his lover’s sake, to let the paramedics do their work and help him. And although he had spoken some tough words to his lover in hospital, he had still maintained most of his calm, had not really let his emotions get the better of him. Then he had had to keep himself together for Fili, trying to do some damage limitation between the brothers. And he realises that he has nothing left for himself.

He actually scares the little black cat as a heaving sob escapes from deep in his chest. He has heard the saying of when the floodgates have opened and by god, it is true. He feels like a complete idiot as he stands sobbing out loud in his kitchen, tears streaming down his face and into his beard. He sinks down as his legs give way until he is sat on the floor, his legs pulled up against his chest as he continues to heave under the weight of his grief.

In his concerns over his lover he has not even had a chance to absorb the impact of the press article on himself yet. Not only has he been outed to all his clients – not that he was ashamed of his sexual preference any longer, but nonetheless it was not of anyone’s business and it certainly was not for the press to announce it to the world – but his clients, his colleagues his few friends now all know that his chosen partner was an ex-sex worker. And none of those people were stupid. There was only one way that he would have got to know someone like that in the first place. The embarrassment of all of those revelations is suddenly too much. And it manifests itself in a physical ache deep inside his chest and stomach as he wonders how he can ever step outside this apartment again without expecting judgement from every passer-by.

He still has to face his trials at work also. He had sent a very curt message back to Elrond who had tried to contact them on several occasions throughout the day, simply saying that he was dealing with a personal matter and was indisposed for the rest of the day. But he would need to speak to him properly tomorrow. And he knew that the question for himself was simple – even if he was not asked kindly to leave under a vote of no confidence by his shareholders, would he wish to stay with the company now that his dirty laundry had been aired for all to see? Knowing that every single person that he would be dealing with on a daily basis would judge him one way or another – for being gay, for paying for sex, for being engaged to a prostitute, for being part of his fiance’s falsified job application. He had ruined his credibility. He had been stupid and naïve in his desperation to make things better for his beloved.

He does not want to be alone tonight. He has spent a lifetime dealing with his problems alone, but tonight he is concerned for his own sanity. He pulls out his phone and dials the one person who he trusts to stick by him.

“Thorin,” Dwalin answers, and Thorin can tell form the tone of voice that Dwalin already knows about the revelations of the paper.

“I … He …” words don’t come to him as he finds himself sobbing like a little girl again.

“I will be over, mate. Give me twenty minutes.”

“No … It’s fine … I …”

But Dwalin has already terminated the call.

He gets to his feet and walks to the bathroom to have a quick shower. At least the water running down his body feels like it is washing away some of his anguish, cleaning his body as well as his soul. By the time he has dressed into something more comfortable and pulled his hair into a ponytail, the doorbell rings.

“Evening,” he smiles at his friend. He has managed to pull himself together again, is back in control of his frayed emotions once more as he lets his friend in through the door, suddenly realising Dwalin has never even been to his apartment, although he had given him his address a while ago when Kili had moved in with him. “Would you like a coffee?”

“Sure,” Dwalin says. Then he pulls Thorin into a hug, slapping his back gently in an attempt to comfort.

Thorin curses him silently for ruining his brief moment of control as he feels the tears prick in his eyes again. He wriggles himself out of the big man’s embrace and quickly turns towards the kitchen. “I take it you saw the article,” he says as he keeps his eyes trained on the coffee machine.

“Angie saw it. I did not read it.” He looks at his old friend. Thorin had always been one of the strongest people he knew – determined, in control, a natural leader. Yet here he stood looking like a sad little boy, his frame hunched, his head hung. “Where is Kili?”

“In hospital.”

Dwalin feels his heart rate speed up as he tries to assess his friend. He knows that Thorin is battling internally when he gives him one – two word answers with no further explanation. He always had done. It is his way of putting up his barriers, not to give away how he truly feels. He tries to keep his own emotions calm as he asks, “What happened?”

“He took an accidental overdose.”

Thorin turns to him now and hands him his cup.

“Of what?”

“Amphetamine.”

“Jesus, Thorin.”

“His heart stopped. Twice.”

“You say it was accidental? He did not …”

Thorin slowly shakes his head. “I don’t think he intended for it to go like that. I think he just had a bad reaction to it. He told me he had reacted poorly to similar drugs before.” He stares at his coffee, finding his hands shaking again. “I don’t think he wanted to kill himself, he says he didn’t. He just wanted to numb himself for a while. But it went very badly wrong.” He finds his hands starting to shake more and more as his emotions build up inside him.

And then his control breaks as all of the overwhelming emotions manifest themselves in an intense rage. He throws his cup at the floor, which shatters into pieces as the hot liquid flies everywhere. And he cries out, his deep voice booming through the apartment as his emotions express themselves in a desperate bellow of heartache.  “WHY?!!!” he shouts out as Dwalin carefully walks up and puts a hand on his shoulder as he lets his friend rage. “”Why does he keep doing it???! What more can I do to help him?!” He turns to Dwalin, anger flaming in his eyes. “Why does everyone try to ruin me?! I just want to be HAPPY!”

“Thorin,” Dwalin says quietly as he keeps his hand on his friend’s shoulder. “I want you to be happy too. Ever since you met Kili I have seen the greatest happiness and the deepest devastation in you. Is it not time you let him go?”

Thoirn shrugs himself lose and throws his hands flat at his friend’s chest, pushing him against the worktop. “NO! Why should I have to let him go? He was doing alright. Things were getting better. And THEY ruined it. This is not Kili’s fault.”

“STOP defending him,” Dwalin suddenly bellows back. “He has a choice now. You have given him that choice. And yet he still chooses the drugs over you. He knows what happened to your brother. And yet he continues to do things like that, keeps hurting you. Are you sure he loves you back like you love him? That this is not just an easy life for him, living in luxury as you pamper him?”

Thorin raises his hand and Dwalin just as quickly grabs it as they grapple with each other. “Good, Thorin,” he growls under his breath. “Show me that passion. Show me that anger that you feel. Stop bottling it all up.” Thorin is strong, but he is stronger and eventually his friend stops trying to fight him as he sinks against his chest, feeling utterly exhausted.

“I … I don’t know,” he gasps. “I thought he did … He keeps saying he does …”

“You have to be more sure than that before you commit yourself to someone, Thorin. This cannot carry on like this. You keep forgiving him, keep letting him back in. How many more times, Thorin? How many more times will you accept his apologies, knowing that he will just as quickly break his promises again?”

“I don’t know!!” Thorin rages again. “What else can I do? You want me to break up with him?”

“No,” Dwalin answers to Thorin’s surprise. “I want you to do what makes you happy. And only you can decide that. All I can do is give you my professional opinion. Kili needs help. Intense expert help. You cannot help him, Thorin. Not only do you not have the expertise to do so, you are also far too close to him. You keep catching him each time he falls. And Kili has come to rely on you as a safety net.”

“Then what do I do? If I had not been there today he would have …” He can’t even say it. _He would have died_. It is true. That is how close things got today. A matter of minutes. If he had not told Gimli to rings the ambulance …

“All you can do is decide for yourself what you want. Whether you can continue to put yourself through this. And if you do, if you really want to do this and you truly believe that he wants to be with you, that he loves you and that he is willing to fight for you, then you need to let him go. Until he has sorted himself out. “

“So you do want me to break up with him,” Thorin spits as he stomps over to the sofa.

“No,” Dwalin says again as he takes a seat in the chair opposite. “I want you to stop holding his hand. Give him a safe place to live, yes. But everything else should be up to him. So far you have done everything for him. You have given him a home. You have arranged his therapy. You gave him a job. You have proposed to him, promising yourself to him for the rest of your life. What exactly has Kili done for you? Or even for himself?”

“He brought in a cat,” Thorin says mockingly, then bursts out laughing at the absurdity of it. But he begins to realise that Dwalin is right. Has he made things too easy for Kili? Has he made it worse? “Then what do I do?”

“He needs proper, personalised treatment. But it has to be his choice. He is an addict, Thorin. I know that perhaps it does not feel like it to you, because he is not constantly off his head. But addictions hardly ever manifest themselves in that way. Most addicts I know, that I have worked with, are just normal members of society, with families and jobs. But the drugs have become his coping mechanism. Have been for most of his life. When life becomes too much to cope with, he chooses to numb his feelings with drugs and alcohol. And that is what addiction is, Thorin. It’s a downwards spiral and neither you nor he will be able to break it without professional help.”

“How? He has been referred to Professor Farin. He is awaiting treatment there.”

“Let me speak to Oin. I think what Kili needs is a residential treatment programme.” Thorin raises an eyebrow. “There is a really good place that I have referred patients to before and they have an excellent success rate. I think Kili will be a suitable candidate for it.”

“You want to send him to rehab?”

“Yes.”

“For how long?”

“The treatment plan is generally four to six weeks. They offer rehabilitation for addiction, but more importantly they offer specialist treatment including trauma therapy, which will help him confront his memories and ultimately be able to deal with them without needing alcohol or drugs to block them out. Unless that is addressed properly, he will never be able to break away from this destructive cycle.”

“If you think that is best … But you just said I need to stop helping him.”

Dwalin laughs. “Not stop helping him. But stop arranging it for him. I will get you a leaflet about this place. When Kili comes out of hospital you need to have a serious chat with him. Show him the leaflet. I think they even do a DVD.  Talk to him about it. Talk about how you feel it about. Not how you think it will help him, how it will be good for him. Talk about what you hope it will do for you, for the two of you.” He gets up, to tidy up the mess in the kitchen and make his friend another coffee. “I can be there, if you want. Help the two of you talk about it. I don’t generally … it should really be an independent person. But if you want me to …

“Please. I don’t know how to do this anymore. Apparently I keep doing all the wrong things.”

“You keep doing what every person does who sees someone they love in pain. You want to offer comfort, want to take the pain away.” He offers Thorin a fresh brew and sits down next to him on the sofa. “Which is fine. But it does not fix the underlying problems. It is temporary. But when you are not there or when you get there too late and Kili is already sunk too deep into his fight or flight instinct, all those traumas are still there. And it just becomes a physical reaction, Thorin. The same as you just decided to take your frustrations out on an innocent cup of coffee. Not because you wanted to break it, but because your emotions became so intense that you did not know what else to do and it manifested itself in an irrational way that brought you temporary relief and now probably makes you feel like an idiot.”

Thorin smirks. “Thanks for psychoanalysing me.”

“You’re welcome.” He watches his friend sip at his brew. “Have you even eaten anything yet?”

Thorin shakes his head.

“I will order us a takeaway.”

“I am not hungry.”

Dwalin ignores him and has already pulled out his phone. “How about pizza? Plain, simple and deliciously decadent. Pizza delivery drivers probably don’t even know that this neighbourhood exists. You probably order takeaway  caviar with champagne.”

Thorin throws a pillow at his head. “I am not some stuck up rich bitch.”

“Perhaps not stuck-up. But you are a rich bitch!” Dwalin smirks at his friend. “Look at this place! When this whole thing with Kili is sorted you had better invite me and Ange over properly.”

“I will. I am sorry. I have been so caught up in everything lately.”

“You have. So when Kili goes into rehab, you and I are going to spend some time catching up. Every time I see you we only ever talk about him. You are losing yourself, mate, losing your own identity. And we need to fix that too. Now, how about a fully loaded Meat Feast?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://www.castlecraig.co.uk/


	43. No More Sorry

When Kili wakes up he is confused as to where he is. He scans the room and concludes that he is in some kind of ward, a hospital. But he cannot remember how or why. Slowly he traces back his memories. He remembers the arguments at work. The article. Thorin storming in. Himself storming out. Then he had gone to find Ori and … Oh shit! He remembers now. He has snorted speed and then everything is a blur but he remembers Thorin being there and then paramedics… Yes, it is all coming back now. He had overdosed and his heart had stopped. He had nearly died!

A coldness creeps over him as he feels utterly alone lying here. It sounds so childish but he just wants Thorin. He just wants a hug and his beloved to tell him everything is going to be okay.

Is it going to be okay? Does Thorin even still want him? He continues to cock up and each time worse than the previous. Surely the man is at the end of his patience with him now. Surely the gorgeous, rich and lovely man can find someone so much better than him?

He feels his hands shake as he desperately looks for his mobile phone, which to his relief is on his bedside cabinet although his battery is running dangerously low. He opens his inbox and finds a message from Thorin.

_Night night my flower. Hope you get a good night sleep. I miss you. I will be there as soon as I can tomorrow. Love you so so very much XXXX_

He smiles, finding relief in the knowledge that Thorin has not yet given up on him, has given him yet another chance. “I am sorry, babe,” he whispers to the walls. He wishes he could just stop being such a tit. He really wants to be a good partner to Thorin and so far he has failed miserably.

He begins to write a reply. _Morning sexy. Miss you lots. Love you so so much too! <3 Looking forward to seeing you. xxx_

_And thanks for everything. You are the best and I am so sorry. Xxx_

_Oh could you bring my charger please. Phone about to die._ He adds as his mobile device is making pitiful noises at him that his battery is about to give up. He locks the screen and rests himself back against the pillows. He feels exhausted and a little sick and soon his eyes feel heavy again as he drifts back off to sleep.

***

“Mum? What are you doing here?” Kili blinks hard against the false light in the room as he takes in the vaguely familiar face of his mother.

“I am here to see Fili. And my granddaughter," his mother answers coolly.

Kili sighs. _Of course._

“And my other son.”

Ah, so she remembers he is her son too then. He glances back up, trying to focus on her face. He has not seen his mother for so long he barely recognises her and he would have easily walked past her in the streets without knowing who she was. It is weird to see this elderly woman standing at the foot of his bed. The last time he saw her was about ten years ago.

“Thank you,” he says softly. “I am fine.”

His mother huffs. “Hardly. You are lying in a hospital after a drug overdose.” She narrows her eyes at him. “Taking up the bed of someone who does not have such little regard for their own life.”

Kili rolls his head to the side, staring at wall. So that is where this conversation is headed. So much for a little bit of love and care from his own mum. He is not expecting a hug from her. But is she is just here to bitch at him … He cannot even be bothered to respond that he had not meant to try and kill himself. That it was a stupid accident.

“I heard you have decided that you are gay now.”

Kili’s head snaps back. He stares at his mother incredulously. At first he wants to shout at her. Tell her what a bigoted homophobic bitch she is. But then he just laughs at her. “Yes, mum. I woke up this morning and I thought, you know what, today I am going to be gay,” he sneers.

“Don’t you take that tone with me,” she snarls at him.

Kili is too tired for this shit. He feels rough as hell and he wants to go back to sleep. If his mother is not here to help him then he wants her to just piss off. “What do you expect, you stupid woman?” he bites back. “Just go away. I know you hate me. I don’t care anymore. I don’t need you. I have found a good man who loves me and takes care of me. He makes me happy. I understand that you disapproved of me when I was a prostitute.” His mother opens her mouth to quiet him, but he does not give her a chance. “I understand you think I am a nothing, a drug using low life. That’s fine! But don’t you dare say a bad word about my fiancé!”

 His mother snorts. “Fiancé?”

“Yes, ma’am.” Both Kili and Dis turn towards the doorway, where Thorin has appeared with a plastic bag in his hand. He puts down the bag and holds out his hand to the woman. “I am Thorin. You must be Kili’s mother. Pleased to meet you.”

She takes his hand curtly and there is no warmth in the handshake. Dis eyes the man from top to toe. “How old are you?” she asks abruptly.

Kili cringes, but Thorin smiles. “I am forty-two. And you?”

His younger lover stifles a giggle. _Well done, Thorin,_ Kili smirks _._

But Dis just snorts and she looks back at Kili. “You should be ashamed of yourself,” he snarls at him. And then to Thorin, “As should you.”

Thorin raises an eyebrow and Kili mouths something apologetic at him, but he gives him a reassuring smile and a curt shake of his head. As Dis turns abruptly and walks out of the room he follows her into the hallway.

“A word please,” he says to the older woman, not as much as a request as an order. He has that skill, to make people stop in their tracks and listen to him. And despite her disgust and anger, Dis stops and turns. “Listen to me,” he says sternly as if talking to a teenager. “Kili has made mistakes in his life. But so have you. We all have, none of us are perfect. You may not approve of what he has done. You may not approve of him being with me. But here is the thing. This is your last chance to make things right with him. Your last chance to draw a line under the past and an opportunity to get to know your son again. For everyone’s sake – you, him, Fili, your granddaughter. If you decide to walk out of that door today and turn you back on him again then you must know that that is your loss. Kili has lots of people around him now who care about him. I am telling you I love him more than anything in the world and will make sure that he gets better and will be happy. Now you can be part of that or you can hold on to your grudges and your old wounds and your distorted view of the world. That is your choice and I am not going to stand in your way. But I will make sure that Kili never gets hurt again. So make your choice. Either you are there for him, to support and love him as a mother should. Or you get out of here right now and leave him alone. Because I promise you this, if you hurt him again I will not hesitate to throw you out of his life myself.”

Dis stares at the tall man with open mouth. “How dare you speak to me like that? Who do you think you are?!” she splutters indignantly.

“I am going to be your son-in-law,” Thorin reminds her curtly. “Whether you approve or not.”

He watches the colour drain from the woman’s face. Then her features shift into something hard and cold. “Never. You disgust me, you pervert!” she snaps at him. “And if Kili wishes to ruin himself further with a disgrace like you then I will have nought to do with it!” She mimics to spit onto his shoes to emphasise her disgust before turning herself on her heels once more and storming out.

Thorin stares after her until she disappears and then turns back to Kili’s room. “That went well, I think,” he mocks. “I think she really likes me.” He pulls a face and Kili looks at him and then burst out laughing.

“She’s a bitch.”

“She is your mother,” Thorin reprimands him. But he cannot help but agree. “Anyway, how are you?” He bends himself low and gives Kili a soft kiss on the lips.

“Tired. Everything hurts and I feel like I could sleep for a month!”

“I am not surprised.” He picks up the bag and rummages through. “I brought your charger as requested, sir,” he smiles, handing it to Kili. “And some chocolate. And your smokes – don’t tell anyone.”

“Oh, thanks you are the best!” Kili grabs his hand and kisses it.

“And I brought you a book. I was not sure how long they were keeping you in for. Has anyone said anymore?”

“I think they are letting me go today,” Kili smiles, praying for it to be so as he cannot stand being here a moment longer than he needs to.

“Good, I am glad. I look forward to you coming home.” They both look up as there is a knock on the door. “Dwalin gave me a lift here,” Thorin explains. “My car is still at Ori’s place.”

“Hey bud, how’s you doing?” Dwalin asks Kili as he walks in.

“Okay,” Kili says quietly. He feels embarrassed to be here, knowing it is his own stupid fault.

“Are they releasing you later?”

“I believe so.”

Dwalin looks at Thorin, who reluctantly gets to his feet. They had spoken about this in the car, but still he wishes this could wait until they were back home. But Dwalin had said it was important not to delay this conversation so that Kili could start to think about it rather than slip straight back into familiar comforts. “I am going to grab us a coffee. Kee, would you like anything?”

Kili shakes his head and looks a little worried as Dwalin takes Thorin’s seat instead as his lover leaves the room.

“So,” the bald man begins. “This is quite a mess, is it not?”

“Yeah,” Kili flushes and averts his gaze. “I know I have messed up.”

“Thorin is very hurt. He blames himself for not being able to help you.”

“Why?!” Kili looks back up. “It’s not his fault!”

“No, it is not. But that is what people do when they love someone, Kili. They want to make it all better and if that does not happen they try and think of all the things they could have done different.”

Kili feels a sickness churn in his stomach. “Well, you must tell him that is stupid,” he sighs.

“I don’t think that that is for me to tell me. I think that is your job. You are his fiancé.”

Kili looks at the man, wondering what he wants from him. “Okay, I will,” he says a little curtly, feeling the strain of the man’s gaze on him. He likes Dwalin, but he also scares the hell out of him. The man is built like a brick wall and he has this look that makes you shit your pants; as if he looks straight into your soul.

Dwalin folds his arms and considers Kili for a while. “I don’t think you can do this on your own, bud,” he says calmly. “Or with the two of you. How did you get on with Professor Farin?”

Kili shrugs. “Alright.”

“Jesus, Kili, you are thirty years old. Talk to me like an adult, not a sulky adolescent!”

Kili can feel his temper flare as the man, whom he barely knows, takes such a reprimanding tone with him. “I thought he was a pompous twat!” he snarls. “Alright? Is that what you want to hear?”

“If that is the truth then, yes. And why did you think that?”

“Because what the fuck does a man like him know about my life? About what I have been through?!”

“He knows nothing about your life,” Dwalin says calmly. “That is for you to tell him. But I have known Oin for a long time. He came to this country as a refugee from a war-torn country. He watched his brother be shot through the head and his wife and daughters be raped. His eldest son was killed also in the conflict. When they fled to this country his citizenship took years to be approved and he lived under the constant threat of being sent back to his homeland. He was not allowed to practice here so he had to retake all his exams whilst hoping that his application would be approved. And to numb his anxiety and his pain he turned to alcohol and it was years before he admitted his problem and went to do something about it.” He looks closely at Kili who stares at him in shock. “So he may not know about your life, but he does know a lot about trauma and how people react to that and how they deal with it, including substance abuse.”

Kili has gone very quiet. He feels bad for judging the man so quickly. “I … I did not know.” It sounds pathetic but he does not know what else to say.

“You did not need to know. The same as people who meet you do not need to know about your past and your personal battles. But you are quick to judge others when you yourself do not want to be judged. I understand that. You have built up these barriers to protect yourself and it is hard to break them down. However, you have got to if you want to move on with your life. If you constantly just expect the worst from people and never learn to trust them, how are you going to be a good husband to Thorin?”

“I don’t know,” Kili growls in frustration. “I want to be! I do, I really want to be good for him. I just don’t fucking know how, okay!”

“Good. That is good that you do and that you realise that. I am not here to judge you, Kili. But Thorin is my friend. I want him to be happy. It upsets me to see him hurt. I can see how happy you can make him and that is what I want for him. He is not expecting a fairytale; you are both short-fused men and you are bound to be at each other’s throat every now and again. But a little bit of respect and putting his feelings first sometimes would go a long way …”

Kili bites his lip. He wants to scream and shout and punch the shit out of something. “Why am I always the bad guy?!” he suddenly sobs. “I cannot do this! I cannot be this good person that he and you expect me to be! I have told him that before! All I am any good at is being his whore!”

Dwalin grabs hold of Kili and pulls him into a hard hug. “Stop it,” he sooths. “You are a good person. You need to learn to love yourself. How can you expect anyone else to love you if you hate yourself so much?”

“Because there is nothing to love about me,” Kili sobs loudly against the Scot’s chest. “I am thirty years old and I have achieved nothing in my life! Everyone thinks I am a disgrace. I am just a dirty whore. Everyone knows it now. My colleagues, anyone I pass in the street. I will never shake that off. What is the point in pretending? It is all I will ever be. A drug using whore.”

“No.” They both look up as Thorin has re-appeared.

Dwalin releases his embrace Kili. “That,” he points at Thorin, “is your future husband. Look at him, Kili. Look at how much he loves you. Look at how much he cares for you. That man is willing to give up everything to make you happy. That man thinks you are the most amazing thing on this planet.”

Kili looks at Thorin, who smiles shyly at him. He feels like he sees him for the first time again. He is gorgeous. This handsome, tall man who had chosen him over anyone else in the world. “I am sorry, Thorin,” he shudders. “I never meant to hurt you.”

Dwalin looks from Thorin to Kili, feeling like an intruder. But he knows from experience that these sweet words are meaningless when the pressure is back on. That these two men really do love each other, but that they need to be given help to learn to deal with the difficulties that any relationship faces but that is made all the harder by all these other underlying problems and memories. “Kili,” he begins as Thorin takes a seat on the opposite side and takes Kili’s hand. “Thorin and I talked last night. And I have recommended that you go into residential rehabilitation.”

Kili flicks his head from Thorin to Dwalin. “Rehab?” He looks back at Thorin, who nods.

Thorin expects Kili to argue. But to his surprise his lover lowers his head and sighs. “If that is what it takes …” he whispers softly. “I don’t want to hurt you anymore, my love,” he looks at Thorin. “I want help. I want things to be good between us.” He looks at Dwalin. “I want to learn to love myself, as you say.”

Dwalin smiles and gives his shoulder a squeeze. “Good.” He looks to Thorin. “I will give you two a moment. I will be in the café downstairs.”

As soon as Dwalin has left, Thorin takes Kili in his arms, who promptly begins to sob. The brunet tries to apologise again, but Thorin tells him not to. “No more sorry. What has happened has happened. Now we look to the future. Our future.” He strokes through Kili’s hair and places soft kisses on his head. “My lovely man,” he smiles as he rocks Kili in his arms. “My lovely, lovely man.”

Kili takes a deep breath. “Thorin … Do you think Fee will let me see my niece?”

“Yes,” Thorin smiles. He had wanted to mention it to Kili, but had remembered his friend’s stern words. That he needed to stop arranging everything for Kili. “He would like you to.”

“Are they still in hospital?” Kili asks, not sure what the procedure is. He’s never known anyone who was having a baby before.

“Yes, they are. They are on the third floor. You’ll find them.” He hesitates whether to say anything else to Kili, about Felicity. But Fili’s words ring in his ears about people getting to know her first and he keeps his mouth shut. “Dwalin is dropping me off to pick up my car. Do you want to give me a call when you find out whether they are releasing you later?”

“Will do,” Kili nods. He pulls Thorin close, stroking his hand along his face. “I love you,” he whispers with more weight behind it than he had ever felt in his life. “I want to fight for us.” And he takes Thorin’s lips into a long, slow kiss.


	44. Big Decisions

“Hey,” Kili says softly, hovering in the doorway as he takes in the picture of his brother and his family sat together.

Fili and Lyn both look up and smile brightly at him.

“Hey, brother!” Fili gets to his feet and walks over. He feels a nervous flutter inside his chest and a sadness at the fact that they have become to alienated from each other. But he forces himself to smile and hug his brother. “How are you?”

"I'm okay,” Kili says quietly, feeling somewhat flushed to be greeted by the third person today whom he's let down. "But more importantly, how are you?”

"Great!” Fili beams. "But then again I've not had to do any of the hard work." He winks at his wife.

"Come in," Lyn calls over. "Don't just stand in the doorway!"

Fili leads his brother into the small room and offers him a seat. Kili sits down, smiling shyly at his sister-in-law. He's never been the tongue tied type before but suddenly he feels very immature and stupid in front of these new parents. "Hey," he smiles at Lyn.

"Thanks for visiting us," she smiles back. And she gets to her feet and promptly hands Kili the baby before he has a chance to protest.

Kili stares at her and then at his brother in a panic. He cannot believe they've entrusted him with something so precious and he immediately wants to hand her back. But then the infant makes these little gurgling noises and as he looks at the tiny girl in his arms he feels something that he's never felt before in his life. An unconditional type of love for this fragile human being who looks back at him with these huge dark eyes without any judgement, just full of wonder and interest.  "Oh my god, Fee," he whispers as he beams at the baby. "She's gorgeous! "

Fili grins from ear to ear. "Isn't she just?! She clearly takes after her mother, "he kisses his wife on the cheek.

"I love her," Kili smiles. "I love you little Felicity Kay. You are the most amazing little thing." He knows he really means it. He cannot believe that this baby is his brother’s. That he is an uncle now! He had been momentarily surprised to see the features that told him his niece was different. But he finds he loves her ever more for that. _I am going to after you, my little niece_ , he thinks to himself, feeling a strong sense of protectiveness settle over him. _I am going to sort myself out so that I can be a great uncle for you._  

"You're a natural," Lyn smiles at him as she watches him cradle her daughter.

"Think she loves you back, Fili adds as he sits down next to his brother.  “She screamed when mum was here earlier.”

 _So did I_ , Kili smirks to himself. "What did she say?" Kili asks, remembering his own and Thorin's conversion with their mother. "About being a grandma?" _And about the fact the Felicity is probably not the perfect granddaughter she had wished for_ , he thinks.

"You know what mum's like," Fili sighs. "Never really says much does she.” He says more in what he doesn’t say and Kili knows he must feel hurt at their mother’s insensitivity.

"And when she does you wish she'd shut up again, " Kili adds quickly, making his brother laugh.

"I guess she went to see you too then,” Fili says softly.

"Yeah. And she met Thorin. That didn't go so well either."

"Well, her loss," Lyn states. She'd never got on with her mother-in-law. Oh she had tried, but she'd soon learnt it was one of those you can never do right relationships. For years she'd felt sad about it, inadequate. But she had come to realise over time that the inadequacy was not on her part and now she had far more important things to worry about.

“Yeah, think that’s what Thorin told her,” Kili shrugs and he coos to the infant again, smiling happily as she gurgles back at him.

“I see we’ve already found ourselves a babysitter,” Fili grins. He is so so grateful that Kili seems to have instantly accepted his niece for what she is.

“I would love to,” Kili beams back. But then his face drops. “But it won’t be for a while yet though. Thorin wants me to go to rehab and I have no idea how long that will be for.”

Fili raises a surprised eyebrow at that. “I see. And you are going?”

Kili shrugs. “I guess. Dwalin talked me into it. He’s going to bring over a leaflet and a DVD or something later.”

“I think it would do you good,” Lyn is quick to jump in. “It is not a punishment, Kili, it is help.”

“I know.” He looks up and sighs sadly. “It is just another blemish on my record, isn’t it? Like I cannot even sort out my own mess.”

Fili pulls his chair closer and wraps an arm around his brother. “Nonsense. You are sorting yourself out by making a brave decision like that. No-one is expecting you to do this on your own, Kee. We are all here to support you. I agree with Lyn, I think it would be good. For you and Thorin.”

“Ooooh!” Lynette suddenly cries out. “Show me the ring!”

Kili beams as he holds out his hand, showing her the silver engagement ring.

“Wow, that’s beautiful!” she smiles. “Look Fili!”

“Very nice,” his brother nods.  “So when’s the big day?”

“Third of October,” Kili radiates.

“Oh soon!” Lyn smiles. “If you need any help, just shout, I’d love to help!” She offers to take the baby, who is now beginning to wriggle impatiently, back off Kili.

“We are all growing up, Kee,” Fili turns his attention back to his brother. “Me becoming a dad. You getting married.”

“Yes,” Kili smiles as his brother repeats Thorin’s words almost word perfect. “Start of a new chapter, right?” he looks into his brother’s blue eyes. And suddenly he can feel a tear slide down his cheek.

“Think Flick needs changing,” Lyn says quickly as she makes herself scarce to give the brothers some privacy.

“Oh Kee,” Fili sighs and he pulls his brother into a hug, who promptly begins to heave great big sobs. He strokes his baby brother’s back as the Kili can barely catch his breath let alone string a sentence together. “It’s okay little brother,” Fili sooths.

“It’s not!” Kili gasps. “I have upset everyone I ever cared for or who ever cared for me! I … I thought that you would not want to see me! That you would not let me see my niece!”

Fili feels his heart shatter at the exclamation. It is not entirely untrue, although of course in time he would always forgive his brother. He always had … “Kee, you are my brother,” he sighs. “Sometimes you do things that hurt me more than anything else. But you are still my brother.”

Kili pushes himself upright and wipes dry his face. “I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I don’t want to hurt Thorin or anyone else.” He lowers his eyes to the floor in embarrassment. “Did you read the article?”

“No. I heard about it, but I did not read it,” Fili answers honestly.

For that Kili is grateful. “I don’t know what to do,” Kili acknowledges. “I just can’t seem to get away from it, no matter how hard I try.”

“You will, Kee, you will,” Fili tries to sooth. “I think that is why this rehab idea is not a bad thing. Even if it is just to get you out of this space for a while. Give you time to think, without any of us trying to impose our own wisdoms onto you.” He strokes a strand of hair behind Kili’s ear. “And after that you need to talk to Thorin. Between you you’ll need to work out what you want to do.” 

***

“You sure you will be alright for a few hours?” Dwalin asks Thorin again as he drops him off by his sports car.

Thorin walks around his precious possession and is both surprised and relieved to find it is still where he left it and intact – even the wheels are still on it! “Yes fine,” he smiles faintly. “I will see you later.” They had agreed that Dwalin would come round to talk about the rehabilitation facility that he had recommended and to try and answer any of the questions they might have.

He watches Dwalin drive off, waving at him, before unlocking his car. For a moment he hesitates and looks up at the apartment where he had found Kili yesterday. He is tempted to storm up there and have some serious words with Kili’s so-called friends. But he restrains himself and decides that it is not his place and that his reprimand of Ori the day before will have to suffice. Kili is his partner, not his teenage son, and he needs to fight his own battles, set his own boundaries – as Dwalin had pointed out to him. He reluctantly gets into his car and drives straight to his office.

***

 “Thorin!” Elrond exclaims in surprise as his tall boss appears in his office. “Are you alright? Is Kili alright?” All he had heard from Thorin was his short text message yesterday and he had been worried sick about the both of them.

“No,” Thorin says curtly as he takes a seat. “Kili is in hospital. He took an overdose yesterday.” He watches Elrond recoil in shock.

“I am so sorry to hear that, Thorin. Will he be alright?”

Thorin nods and folds his hands together. “He will but I don’t think he will be coming back here.” He looks hard at his colleague and probably his closest friend at work. “And neither will I.”

Elrond’s eyes grow large. “Don’t be ridiculous, Thorin. These are your companies! I know things are tough and we have to sort a few things out, but nothing you and I cannot fix.”

But Thorin shakes his head. “Too much has happened, Elrond. I need a break. I need to decide where my priorities lie and right now they are with the man I love. I don’t want to have to worry about what my colleagues or my clients think of my personal choices or the person I wish to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t want to be reminded every day of how I nearly lost what is most important in my life right now. I have dedicated over a decade to this company and I think it is a good time to move on.”

Elrond considers his colleague for a long time. “It will be a great loss,” he tries to convince him, but he can see Thorin has already made up his mind. “When will you go? Where will you go?”

“Officially I need you to buy me out by the end of summer,” he tells Elrond. “You and other members of the board can contact me until you have found a replacement. I will not let the company just fall over or worry our shareholders. But equally I will not sit here with fingers being pointed at me about what happens in my own home.”

“Come on, Thorin, you know your board members would not do that. These are professionals, they have so much respect for you.”

Thorin raises a mocking eyebrow. “You know as well as I do, that that is not true. Don’t tell me that Tom ‘s resignation was nothing to do this.”

Elrond shakes his head. “One person, Thorin. And if he has such an attitude then surely that is no loss to the company? Please, will you perhaps just take a break and reconsider? You are upset at the moment, Thorin. You need to concentrate on Kili, as you say. You are not in the right place right now to make that decision. Will you just take a holiday and then decide?”

“No,” Thorin shakes his head stubbornly. “You know me better than that, Elrond,” he says firmly, but not unkindly. “If I did that I would just spent three, four months fretting, worrying about all the things that are not being done in my absence. No, I need to pull myself out of this altogether. I don’t need the money, you know I don’t. I could take several years out if I wanted to and not worry about a penny. I will find something else to do, I am not going to sit and watch Jeremy Kyle for months. But right now, I need to do this, cut my losses and concentrate on my personal life. I have never done that before, Elrond, you know I haven’t. I have always chosen my work first. But this time I will not.”

“I understand,” Elrond sighs. “So I guess unofficially this is it then?”

“Yes,” Thorin nods and holds out his hand. “You have been a fantastic colleague and a good friend over the years,” he says sincerely as they shake hands. “Thank you for everything.”

“No, thank you,” Elrond argues. “You are an example to all of us, Thorin.”

Thorin snorts. “Hardly.”

“Stop putting yourself down. I am not here to judge some of your personal decisions. I know how hard you have worked for everything and for you to decide to give it up … you must really love this person. I probably should not say this, but I think it is admirable that in this day and age of work, work, work and no fun you have chosen your private life over your career. I am not worried for you, Thorin. You can turn anything you put your mind to into a success. I just hope he is worth it all, but that is only for you to decide.”

“Thank you,” Thorin nods and he takes his leave.

It feels strangely liberating to walk out of that door without a clue of what he is going to do next. As he had said to Elrond, money was the least of his worries. He had a fat enough bank account to see him through for months without even having to give up his luxury lifestyle. And with a little cutting back on the caviar as Dwalin would joke, he could really concentrate on things back home for well over a year before he needed to decide what to do next.

A year ago he would not have thought he would be walking out of this building feeling the way he does now. If anyone had said this to him, he would have laughed and told them to be on their way for they were clearly delusional. Now he knows with more certainty than ever before that he is doing the right thing. It feels a little like his divorce – feeling heartbroken about what he is leaving behind, but oh so relieved at the same time.

As if on cue his mobile rings. “Hey flower,” he smiles at the device as Kili’s picture flashes up.

“They are letting me go home!” He can hear the relief in Kili’s voice, quickly followed by a slightly nervousness. “Will you pretty please come and pick me up, sweetcakes?”

“Hm, not sure if you deserve such a service,” Thorin smirks. “Alright then,” he immediately follows with, “because you are so goddamn cute.”

***

 Kili is uncharacteristically quiet when he gets into the car.

“How are you feeling, sweetpea?” Thorin asks as he starts the engine.

“Fine, thanks. I saw Fee earlier,” he smiles faintly. “And Felicity, isn’t she gorgeous?”

Thorin can feel himself beam at Kili’s exclamation. “I do think she is a little princess,” he agrees. “And I can already see she is going to be spoilt rotten by her uncles,” he winks at Kili. He lets a moment of silence pass between them, before he continues quietly, “So I saw Elrond today …”

He can see Kili stiffen from the corner of his eye. “Why?” the younger man asks curtly.

“Because I have handed in my resignation of sorts,” Thorin answers.

“What? Why?! Why would you do such a thing?!” Kili snaps. “You love that job! Jesus, Thorin, you _are_ that job!”

“And that is exactly why,” Thorin retorts. “That job has been my life for well over ten years. I think it is time I did something else.”

“Is this because of me? It is, isn’t it,” Kili argues. “Because of what has happened. Damn it, Thorin, you cannot do this!”

Thorin glances over. “Excuse me?” he says, sharply. “I don’t think that is your decision, Kili. I thought I made myself quite clear before. You may have an influence on my decisions, you may be the reason for my decisions, but they are still my decisions, not yours.”

Kili bites his lip and digs his nails into his palms. He feels mad with Thorin for doing something so stupid. Of course he is the cause of all of this! And he feels sick to the stomach for literally having brought Thorin’s career to ruins.

But Thorin appears to be reading his mind, as he explains, “If it was not for you then I probably would still be there in twenty years’ time. I think it is a good thing that I am not. What an incredibly boring old fart I would be by then, can you even imagine!” he self-mocks and even Kili smiles at that. “So stop pulling that sour face and be happy that I get to spend time with you planning our wedding.”

At that Kili begins to laugh. “That rehab plan of Dwalin suddenly sounds very attractive! Can you imagine the two of us sitting at home all day? It would be a bloodbath!”

Thorin scratches his beard as he chuckles at that. “Yes you are probably right. You had best find a job real quick then, my love,” he teases his lover. “I am rather looking forward to putting my feet up for a few weeks and being a kept husband.”

Kili snorts and stares out of the window.

“All joking aside, have you given it any more thought? The rehabilitation, I mean?” Thorin asks carefully as he steers into their street.

“I have,” Kili nods. “Honestly, I am not sure about it. It freaks me the hell out and it makes me feel infinitely pathetic. But I am willing to listen to what Dwalin has to say about it,” he looks back at Thorin. “I spoke to Lyn and Fili about it and they made me look at it from a different angle. Perhaps this really is something I should do, I dunno. Let’s watch that DVD or whatever it is, okay?”

“Thank you, Kili,” Thorin smiles as he pulls up in front of their apartment.

“For what?”

“For trying to do the right thing for us.”

“We’ll just have to see about that,” Kili sighs as his barriers are beginning to slide firmly back in place. _Don’t put your faith in me. Please don’t put your faith in me, Thorin_ , he thinks to himself. _Every time you do I only mess up worse. I only disappoint more._ As Thorin stops the car he feels his anxiety crash down onto him like a tonne of bricks as the cold sweat breaks out from every pore in his skin.


	45. Good Times

Thorin smiles in relief when he sees the huge grin on Kili's face as he comes bounding over to them. "Think it might be good news," he smiles at Fili and Lyn as he gets to his feet.

"I've passed! " Kili shouts out as he comes running into the little cafe and he flies around Thorin's neck.

"Well done, " both Fili and his wife call out simultaneous, whilst Thorin presses a firm kiss against Kili's lips. Fili gives his brother a firm hug, followed by a kiss on the cheek from Lyn. Then Thorin wraps his arm around Kili’s shoulders and gets him you sit down. "Coffee, flower?” he smiles.

"God yes please,” Kili grins. His hands are shaking from the adrenaline and nerves and relief. "I can't believe I got my driving licence!” he utters to his brother. "I've actually done it!”

Thorin looks over at the table as he waits his turn in the queue and smiles. He knows he had been a pushy stubborn git, but he's glad he had urged his fiancé to still complete the already booked course before he leaves for his treatment. At least it has given Kili a boost of confidence and also greatly improved job prospects for when he returns.

They had talked about the rehabilitation programme at length. Dwalin had provided a DVD as promised and had answered many of their questions. Although to be fair they were mainly Thorin’s questions; Kili had remained mostly quiet throughout the conversation. But when Thorin had expressed his concerns to his best friend that perhaps he was taking over again, Dwalin had reassured him that this was perfectly normal, that usually the prospective patient would be too overwhelmed by it all to ask relevant, practical questions and that therefore it was fine that Thorin had.

At first Kili had just shrugged at it all in his usual _whatever_ kind of attitude. But after Dwalin had gone, Thorin found him watching the DVD again. And eventually he had turned to him and told him he wanted to do it. That he wanted to give it a go, because he wanted to try anything to rescue their relationship and be a good husband to him once they would be married.

When he walks back to the table, Kili beams as he puts a slice of chocolate cake in front of him. “We’ve got to celebrate,” he smiles back, giving Kili a chaste kiss on the cheek.

“Definitely,” Fili adds immediately. “You have done well, brother.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Kili says modestly as he tucks into the cake, feeding his lover a piece. “I am thirty years old, ‘twas about bloody time I got my driver’s licence!” But inside he feels radiant. He has never achieved anything even as simple as this, never seen anything through to the certificate or diploma point and he really does feel quite proud of himself.

He looks over at the pram which Lyn is gentle pushing back and forth when the baby starts to gurgle.

“You can pick her up if you like,” Lyn smiles as she watches him look fondly at her daughter.

Kili looks at his brother, who nods in encouragement, and then stands up and pulls back the blanket. “Hello little one,” he coos as he scoops the new-born into his arms. “Is this alright?” he asks Lyn for confirmation. “How I am holding her and stuff?”

“Perfect,” she smiles back. “Just relax, you are doing fine.”

Kili cradles the baby girl in his arms. Felicity is now fully awake and pulling lots of faces at Kili as blows bubbles at her.

Thorin eyes his beloved, his heart filling with love for him as he watches him play games with the little girl.

“Think Kili is getting broody,” Lyn smiles brightly at Thorin, who promptly blushes, but he smiles back as he once more takes in the perfect picture. “Maybe one day …” he says softly. They have things to sort out first before they can even begin to think about something that is never going to come naturally to them. At the moment their situation is nowhere near stable enough anyway. Kili must get the help he so badly needs. They both need to find a new job. Then there is the wedding. But who knows what the future will hold … He is not averse to the idea of raising children with Kili once he feels that they can offer a safe and welcome home. There are ways …

Kili has now sat down and is slowly rocking Flick in his arms. When he looks up at Thorin his face is one full of happiness and Thorin thinks he is more beautiful than ever. “You two look adorable,” he smiles earnestly, stroking a thumb over Kili’s cheek and them bending himself closer to tickle Felicity’s tummy, who promptly shrieks in giggles at him.

When he looks up at her parents he finds Lyn resting her head on Fili’s shoulder as they both grin widely at him and Kili. They don’t need to say anything as a mutual _thank you_ hangs between them.

“Would you like to come for lunch with us?” Thorin asks them.

But Fili shakes his head. “That is very kind of you, Thorin. But Lyn is tired. And Flick needs changing and feeding. I think we will be on our way if you don’t mind.”

“Not at all,” Thorin smiles. He appreciates it when people are just honest rather than try and be polite when really they want to be somewhere else. “Thank you for coming today.”

“Yes, thanks bro,” Kili smiles as he hands the baby back to Lyn who begins to tuck her back into her pram, much to Felicity’s disapproval as she promptly begins to scream.

“You’re welcome, Kili,” Fili pulls him into a firm hug. “I am proud of you. And good luck.”

Kili can feel his face drop as he is reminded of his pending admission to Castle Craig. “I know the Scots are a funny bunch, but I won’t need any luck on my holiday!” he jokes, but inside he feels like a big pulsing ball of nerves.

“You will be fine, brother,” Fili clasps his arm and squeezes it reassuringly.

“See you soon, Kee,” Lyn smiles and kisses him firmly on both cheeks. “Say bye to Flick.”

“Bye little Flick,” Kili puts a smile on his face as he strokes the super soft cheeks of his little niece. He sighs deeply. “She’s gonna be walking and talking before I’m back.”

“That is unlikely,” Lyn chuckles at him. “Even a baby without Down’s will not be walking at 2 months old. And it is going to take Flick a little longer than average to learn these things.”

Kili smiles a little at that. “That means I can still help teach her. When I am back,” he smiles like an excited teenager.

“Yes you can,” Thorin squeezes his shoulders and says goodbye to Fili, Lyn and the baby. “I will see you soon,” he promises his soon-to-be in-laws as they had invited him over for dinner during the first week that Kili would be in rehab.

When the others have gone he turns back to his beloved. “So where are you taking us then?”

“Huh?” Kili looks at his in confusion and then his mouth drops open as Thorin hands him his car keys. A grin breaks across his face. “Really?” he beams.

“You got your licence now. So yes, really,” he threads his fingers through Kili’s as they leave the little café hand in hand and walk to Thorin’s Merc. “It’s yours now,” Thorin nods to the car. “We will keep the car and insurance in my name for now because it works out cheaper. But I have already added you as an additional driver.”

Kili laughs. “You are too organised!” He would never even have thought of any of these things, he does not even know where to start with stuff like that. “What would I do without you?” he smiles as he blips the key fob to unlock the car. As he takes his seat behind the steering wheel the memory of the last time he had been sat here comes flooding back. It feels strange to be here legitimately this time, when the last time he had taken the car without Thorin’s approval. He turns the key in the ignition and starts the engine, grinning like a lunatic. “So where do you want to go?” he asks Thorin, suddenly realising he does not actually know how to get anywhere. He has never paid any attention to road signs and directions, always having been chauffeured everywhere.

“Wherever you like,” Thorin smiles. “Today is your day, my flower.”

Kili considers this for a moment. “The safari park!” he suddenly cries out. “Please can we do that, Thorin? I have never been anywhere like that!”

Thorin frowns for a moment, an image of monkeys ripping off the wing mirrors of his car flashing before his eyes. But then he sees the excitement in Kili’s eyes and nods with a smile. “Sure.” He shows Kili how to use the inbuilt satnav and programmes West Midlands Safari Park into the system.

Kili feels strangely less confident driving Thorin’s – no _his!_ – car now that he has a licence than he did before. As if before if he would have crashed it at least he could have blamed it on the fact that he did not actually know how to drive, whereas now … But after a few minutes of getting used to the gears and the general handling of the car he begins to relax a little.

When he looks over at his fiancé with a huge smile across his face he can’t help but chuckle when Thorin looks stiff as a board and white as a sheet. “I am not _that_ bad a driver! Relax already!”

Thorin takes a deep breath. “You’re not …” he stutters. “I am just not a very good passenger.” He pushes his right foot against the bottom of the car as if to break when someone suddenly pulls out in front of them.

“That is not going to help,” Kili laughs at him. “Oh come on, sexy, you let me drive you Maz on a race track after we’d fucked once.”

At that Thorin chuckles at Kili’s crudeness and relaxes a little. “You are right,” he says, slowly unfolding his tensed hands. “It’s just that that did not involve other drivers and speed limits.” Kili blips the accelerator to make the car growl a little more as a tease. “Don’t do that!” Thorin exclaims and he shakes his heads slowly, wondering how long it will be before Kili kills them both. But eventually Kili stops being an arse and Thorin starts to relax and he has to admit Kili actually is a very good driver for someone who has only just passed his test. He puts his hand on Kili’s thigh, smiling at him. “I am so proud of you, flower.”

Kili shrugs. “About time I did something to make you proud of me,” he says softly.

Thorin wants to say something sweet like _I am always proud of you_ , but then he swallows his words as he finds it is not the truth. Actually, Kili needs to take responsibility for the times recently where he had not earned that accolade. When he had let the both of them down badly through his irresponsible and reckless behaviour. Instead he just squeezes his thigh and smiles.

When they arrive at the safari park Kili is high on excitement. “Oh, you can buy food to feed the animals!” he chirps. “Can we do that, Thorin?”

Somehow they end up with what appears to be a lifetime supply of what look like rabbit droppings, but the grin on Kili’s face is worth the overpriced feed tenfold.

“Let’s do the drive through first!” and Thorin is happy to just go along with whatever Kili wants to do today. But as they slowly drive through the various sections of the park he finds himself enjoying th attraction as much as his lover is, probably even more so as Kili exclaims “Oh my god, they are real!” and “I cannot believe they are so close!” at every new animal they encounter.

When they enter the cheetah plains Kili is practically bursting with awe at the beautiful animals, separated from them by some serious electric fencing, but nonetheless incredibly close. He looks to Thorin and his older lover can see tears gleaming in his eyes. “This is amazing!” Kili sighs. “I have never seen such beautiful animals for real!”

“Not even in the zoo?” Thorin asks, surprised.

But Kili shakes his head. “There was never enough money for that,” he sighs. “We never went anywhere. Even before dad died. “

Were you close to your dad?” They had not really spoken much about Kili’s father; his mother seemed to dominate the family scene somewhat.

Kili nods as he steers into the next enclosure. “I don’t remember him that well now. It has been so long. But I can only think of him as a really nice guy. Even when we had no money, he used to take me and Fee to the beach or walks in the forest sometimes. He always found something to do. And he was very clever with his hands.” He takes a deep breath. “I think if I had not ended up doing you know what, I would have liked to have been a mechanic or something. Like he was.”

Thorin strokes his cheek. “You can still be whatever you like, sweetheart,” he says encouragingly. “You can go to college and train to be a mechanic if you want. Maybe take an apprenticeship somewhere?”

But Kili shakes his head. “Nah, I’m too old for that now,” he states. “That sort of job is fun when you are a lad in your twenties and you are all at the bottom together. I don’t want to be the only thirty year old still having to learn the most basic things.”

“Kili you are going to have to start at the bottom somewhere …” Thorin tries to add a little reality check to Kili’s expectations.

“I know that,” the brunet snaps, then cringes. “Sorry, babe,” he mutters. “Just leave it okay.”

“Okay,” Thorin sighs to keep the peace. They do not need to have this conversation here. But once Kili has come out of his treatment he will not let him off the hook quite so easily.

By the time they have completed the safari even Thorin feels the buzz of excitement as they are sat in the park’s restaurant enjoying a sandwich and a coffee.

“That was super amazing!” Kili grins. “Did you enjoy it?” he asks as he takes a bite from his sandwich.

“I did,” Thorin smiles back. “All the more for seeing that beautiful smile on your face.”

Kili is just about to make a cheeky remark that his flattery is not going to earn him any favours, when his phone beeps. He swipes his screen, expecting it to be a message from Fili or maybe even Ori. “Oh my god …” he utters.

“What is it?” Thorin asks, more than a little worried. These days he expects the worst from anything and he is pretty much prepared for some dodgy picture to be flashing up on Kili’s screen when he hands him the phone. Instead he reads

_Hey Kee. Just heard that you are not coming back. We knew you were off sick. Hope you are okay. We did not even get a chance to throw you a leaving do. When you are better, wanna catch up for a pint? Pippin and Sam_

“That is so nice,” Thorin smiles, but Kili just looks in shock as he hands the phone back. “Is it not?”

“Yeah I guess …” Kili whispers. He looks up at Thorin. “Why would they still want to go out for a drink with me? Surely they know what happened by now. I am not buying it that not everyone in the office knows by now!”

“Maybe they do,” Thorin tries to reassure. “And it clearly does not matter to them.” He takes his lover’s hand in his. “Go and see them, Kee. Tonight. Before you go away for your treatment. Catch up with your friends. The fact that they have contacted you is surely proof that they are true friends.”

“Yes maybe,” Kili says softly. “But I can’t tonight,” he argues. “We were …”

“We have tomorrow,” Thorin quickly interrupts. “We will make tomorrow night extra special,” he throws in a little wink. “But I think you should take Pippin up on his offer if he’s available tonight. This is the time to keep the right doors open, my love, rather than close them in people’s faces.”

Kili considers this and then nods. “Okay, I will,” he smiles. “Thank you, lover.”

***

“Kee!” Pippin exclaims as soon as the brunet steps into the bar. “Man, we’ve missed you!” He grabs Kili into a tight hug, soon followed by Sam’s bigger frame, who nearly crushes Kili to death.

“How are you, mate?” Sam asks as he shoves a pint in Kili’s direction.

Kili shrugs, accepting the drink gratefully. “Okay I guess.” He feels somewhat nervous, not knowing exactly how much his two friends know.

“We heard you were in hospital,” Pippin continues, concern evident in his voice. “What happened? Are you okay?”

“You don’t know?” Kili asks unsurely. When the other two shake their heads he sighs. “Well, that explains why you still wanted to have a pint with me then. I ehm … I took a drug overdose. Incidental,” he quickly adds, but he can see the shock in his ex-colleague’s faces. “So I’ll best be going now then,” he sighs, making a move to get up.

“Hey, where are you going?” Pippin asks.

“Mate, sit down,” Sam orders.

“You sure?” Kili hesitates. “I understand if you …”

“Sit down!” Sam barks, making Kili flop back down in his seat. “That’s better,” he grins. “Now, that sounds really shit, mate,” he says, trying to break the ice. “How are you feeling now?”

Kili is momentarily gobsmacked. “I ehm … better thank you.” Then he decides to just throw it all out there. If these guys are to remain his friends they need to know. “Actually, I am going into a rehab programme the day after tomorrow,” he says. “In Scotland.” He carefully looks from Sam to Pippin, expecting to say their disgust and disapproval.

“You’ve had a rough ride in life, haven’t you?” Pippin says gently.

Kili nods, staring at his hands.

“So you really are not coming back to work then?” Sam adds.

“I can’t …” Kili sighs. “I can’t face everyone there now that the truth about what I did before is out there. And even if I wanted to, they’ll fire me for lying on my CV.” Then he looks at the other two. “I guess you both know then?” He feels a sinking feeling in his stomach when the others nod. “Then why did you still want to go out for a drink with me?”

Pippin just laughs. “How is one linked to the other? I don’t hang out with people because of the type of career they have had. We’ve all made dodgy career choices in our lives, I …”

Kili shakes his head. “Cut the crap, Pippin,” he says. “This is not like flipping burgers in Burger King when you were a student.”

“Perhaps not,” Sam tries to placate the long-haired brunet. “But what we are saying is it does not matter to us in terms of wanting to be friends. If you want to be friends of course …”

Kili looks at Sam and then Pippin in surprise and slowly nods. “I do … I … I have never had friends from outside that world before …” He gives them a shy smile. “Thanks.” And raises his glass to cheer.

“So ehm … is Thorin not coming back either? We’ve heard rumours …” Pippin says carefully.

Kili shakes his head. “”He’s a stubborn git,” he admits, making the others laugh. “I told him he’s being stupid giving it all up. But there is no changing his mind. Still, he will find something to turn his hand to,” he says with certainty. “He is one of those guys you know, who can make a success out of anything.”

“You guys are still together then?”

At that Kili beams and proudly holds up his engagement ring. “Definitely. We’ve set a date now. Third of October.” Then he has a thought. “You guys ehm … would you like to come to the wedding?” he asks nervously.

Sam and Pippin exchange a glance and smile. “Of course!” Pippin exclaims.

“It would be an honour,” Sam nods.

“What about the other guys?” Kili twists the ring around his fingers. “Merry and Frodo …?”

Pippin awkwardly bites his lip. “Think Merry would like to come. He wanted to come tonight but he had an appointment clash. Frodo … ehm …”

“He does not approve,” Kili helps him out of his misery.

Sam shakes his head. “It’s difficult,” he sighs. “Think he might just about get his head around a same sex relationship, but he comes from quite a traditional background … He’s my best friend, but sometimes we cannot agree on these things. I think with everything all adding up …”

“Hey, it’s fine,” Kili shrugs, although he feels a little stab of sadness. “Everyone is entitled to their own opinion right? And I am just grateful that you guys are so understanding.”

A moment of awkward silence falls between them as each sips their beer.

“So ehm … what are you going to do next?” Sam asks eventually.

“I don’t know yet,” Kili answers honestly. “Will have to get through the treatment first. It’s not like I am an addict,” he denies quickly. “Just, you know, when things get tough … It is hard when you have friends who have a steady supply … And then we have the wedding to look forward to. I am not sure what I will do after that …”

“Well, whatever it is, I am sure you will do great at it. Think Oakenshield Investments lost a real asset in you,” Pippin says in earnest. “Everyone was saying how good a job you did even in the short time you were there.”

Kili stares at him incredulously. “Really?”

Sam nods in support. “Definitely. You are a really nice guy, Kili, and you work really hard.” He traces a droplet of condensation along his glass. “We are really sorry how things have gone for you, mate.”

“Not your fault,” Kili shakes his head and smiles at his friend. “You two are good mates,” he beams. He looks at his nearly empty glass. “Want another one?” he asks the others and goes to buy a new round. When he comes back they all raise their glass. “To good friends!” Kili smiles and the other two happily join in on the toast.

***

When Kili returns home just after eleven o’clock Thorin is sat on the sofa in his lounge bottoms and a t-shirt and his reading glasses, reading a book with Shadow curled up on his lap. Kili takes in the homely picture and beams.

“Hey flower,” Thorin smiles as he puts his book down and takes off his glasses. “Did you have a nice time?”

“I did!” Kili smiles as he gives his lover a kiss and scruffs the cat under its chin. “They are such nice friends,” he says as he plonks himself down next to Thorin and leans his head on his shoulder.

“All good then?” Thorin asks as softly strokes his hair.

“Yes, seems to be,” Kili sighs in relief. “Thanks, babecakes, for making me go.”

“That is okay, my love,” Thorin smiles and pulls him closer. “This is the start of better things,” he says. “Making new friends, you got your licence now, and you have a wonderful little niece.”

“And a fantastic boyfriend,” Kili beams and seeks Thorin’s lips. “I had the best day. Love you, Thorin,” he whispers against his lips.

“Love you too,” Thorin kisses him back. And as he closes his eyes, feeling the heavy warmth of Kili’s body presses against his own, he feels like the happiest man alive and that it has all been worth it.


	46. Chillin'

"Sweetheart, relax," Thorin tries as he watches Kili throw stuff into his suitcase only  to  angrily pull it back out and throw it on the bed again.

"How can I fucking relax?!" he growls. "I don't know what the fuck to take and this is all just fucking shit!!"

Thorin turns around and leaves Kili to vent his anger on his clothes for a little longer, whilst he puts the kettle on. There is no point in trying to reason with him when he's like that and he knows his frustrations are not aimed at him.

When Kili finally appears he holds out a cup of coffee for him. "Did you win?" he asks, smiling.

"Fuck off," Kili snarls and he takes the mug and plonks himself heavily down on the sofa, making Shadow hiss in fright. "And you can fuck off and all," he snaps under his breath.

Thorin sighs as he listens to the barrage of verbal abuse. "Kili love, I know you're stressed but can you stop swearing please? It's really unpleasant."

Kili throws his lover the evils but holds his tongue, instead picking a rolled fag from his pouch and making to light it.

"Outside please," Thorin braces himself for more swearing. But Kili just jumps to his feet, pushes past him and slams the front door behind him, making Thorin flinch. As the minutes pass he begins to worry that Kili might have done a last minute runner. But just as he can no longer resist the urge to go look for him,  Kili walks back in again.

"Don't even say anything he snaps as Thorin can smell the sweet earthy scent of weed on him. "You're sending me to rehab, I'll give them something to work with."

"I am not sending you anywhere," Thorin retorts as his patience is being pushed to the limit. "You go voluntarily or not at all."

"I am bloody going aren't I?" Kili groans but the venomous edge to his tone has softened a little as the drug is taking its effect.

"Yes and bless us all for that," Thorin mumbles under his breath.

"What was that?"

"Nothing," he says and then begins to massage Kili's tense shoulders. "Sweetheart, just try and relax. You're not going until tomorrow. I just want us to have a nice day together. I'm going to miss you..."

But Kili shrugs himself out of his grip. "No you won't!" he suddenly shouts out. "I'm nothing but trouble to you! When I'm gone you will realise that! You will realise you are better off without me and you won't want me back!" And the younger man runs towards the bedroom throwing himself face first into the pillows.

Thorin leaves his lover to rage for a few minutes before he follows him and seats himself into the bed, stroking Kili's back. "Is that why you're being so obnoxious?" he asks softly.

Kili doesn't reply, just sobs, although Thorin knows he likes the stroking or he would have slapped his hand away by now. He slowly rests himself down next to his fiance and takes his hand in his. "Kili, I am going to say these words again when it's a wedding ring I'm putting on your finger. But please also know that I gave you this ring... " he places a long kiss the engagement ring, "... as a token of my love. For better or for worse. In sickness and in health. Until death do us part. I don't know how else I can do or say to make you believe me, but I mean every word of what I've just said."

Kili slowly looks up into the beautiful blue pools of his beloved, his eyes filling up with tears. "I'd better take plenty of handkerchiefs on our wedding day," he sniffles, a smile around his lips and he pulls Thorin close. "I'm sorry, Thorin," he whispers against his lips. "I'm just nervous."

Thorin strokes his fingers through Kili's long hair. "I know, flower. I am too."

At that Kili blinks in confusion. "Why?"

"Because I know it will be hard for you and I won't be able to do anything about it. Because I'm going to miss you like hell. " He presses a firm kiss on Kili's lips. "Because what if they tell you in your programme that you should not be with me?"

Kili frowns at his older lover. "Why on earth would they tell me that?"

"I don't know," Thorin shrugs, rolling onto his back. "Maybe they'll say that you should be someone closer your own age. Or maybe that you being with an ex-client is not good for your recovery?"

Kili snorts. "First off you're not an ex-client. As far as I'm concerned it was fate that you came to me that night. Okay, you met me in an unconventional place, but we fell in love and that’s the whole of it. I will never think of you as an ex-client, okay? And secondly, if that is what they'll tell me I will tell them to get lost." He crawls up against his lover and rests his head on his chest, listening to the soft regular beat of his heart. "But if that were the case I don't think Dwalin would have recommended for me to go there now would he?"

"I suppose you're right," Thorin smiles softly, closing his eyes.

"You're an idiot," Kili mocks.

"As are you," Thorin retorts and they both chuckle. "I guess we're perfectly matched then."

Kili smiles up at his beloved and strokes his beard. "I love you so much. I... I really am shit scared, Thorin."

"Kili, you are brave," Thorin says encouragingly. "Remember all those tales you like to read of knights and quests? Well, this is your quest, my prince Kili of Durin. And you are going to face your demons and dragons head on and slay every one of them.”

Kili chuckles at that although he feels such an intense love for his older lover for it. “So that I can rescue you, my bearded princess?” he grins, stroking his lover’s jaw.

 

“Don’t you get cheeky with me, young man,” Thorin growls in jest and pins Kili onto his back, kissing his neck until the younger man squeals in laughter. “So you’re all packed then?” he asks when Kili has managed to push him off.

“Yeah, think so,” Kili sighs. “At least the essentials. If I have forgotten anything, will you bring it along when you visit?”

“Of course,” Thorin places a kiss on his hand and shuffles himself off the bed. The programme stated that the patient would have no contact with their friends and family for the first week, to help them settle in. Thereafter they could make and receive phone calls in the evening and family could visit on the weekend. Although Thorin technically was not family yet, Dwalin had spoken to the director whom he knew quite well and had arranged that Thorin, as Kili’s fiancé, would be allowed to visit after the first week.

“Thorin?” Kili asks softly as he eyes his lover’s firm backside.

“Yes flower?”

“Do you think I’ll ever be able to have a normal job?”

Thorin smiles at his brunet lover. “Yes. I know it is never going to be easy and I guess we have to learn from our mistake. But somewhere there will be the perfect job for you.”

Kili nods contemplatively. “And you? Do you know yet what you want to do?”

“I have seen a few things that have taken my interest. I still have matters to finish with Oakenshield Investments. For a start they need to buy me out and change the company name. But after that … Let’s have to wedding first and then our honeymoon …”

At that Kili’s eyes light up. “Ooh really, we’re going on a honeymoon?” he beams.

“Well of course we’ll have a honeymoon!” Thorin pulls his beloved close and kisses him on the cheek. “Anywhere you would like to go?”

Kili begins to chuckle. “God, don’t ask me, Thorin! Scotland is going to be the most foreign place I have ever been. I don’t even have a passport!”

“We will have to get that sorted then. I was thinking maybe Greece? I am not exactly the beach going type, but I think for our autumn honeymoon it does need to be somewhere where we can expect some nice weather. And I have always wanted to visit the Parthenon.  What do you think?”

Kili shrugs, not entirely sure what the Parthenon is. “It sounds nice. If you think we can still afford that with us both being out of a job at the moment,” he says unsurely.

“Greece won’t be that expensive. My shares will cover it more than enough,” Thorin nods. “We have to have a honeymoon! What do you say, shall I have a look around online and see if I can find some hotels and then when you are back you can pick the one you like?”

“Thorin, you are the most amazing man in the world and I am the luckiest guy to be with you,” Kili gleams and throws his arms around him.

“Oh that reminds me,” Thorin snuggles into the embrace. “Dori phoned me yesterday, practically begging me if he can still be our wedding planner. I did not have the heart to say no, I hope you don’t mind.”

Kili laughs at that. “Aw, bless him. Not at all. So what do we do, just give him our instructions and he goes and sorts it for us?”

“I guess so. I thought that when you come back we could have him over for an evening and go through everything. What do you say?”

“Perfect!” Kili beams. “Will Ori and Dwalin be able to come too? As our best men?”

Thorin bites his lip as the red-head is mentioned, who he still holds partly responsible for Kili’s drug overdose, but he nods. “Sure, I think that would be nice. Why don’t we also invite Fili and Lyn. And Ange if they can find a baby sitter. And that other friend of yours. We haven’t thrown an engagement party yet and we could have an evening with canapés and champagne ...”

“Champagne and canapés?” Kili repeats in a thickly put on posh accent. “You posh bastard!” he cups Thorin’s face in his hands and presses a kiss on his lips. “I can’t wait to come back and start all the planning. Our wedding is going to be the best day of my life!”

“Nah,” Thorin shakes his head. “Only the first of many best days to come,” he smiles.

***

They spend most of the day _'chillin'_ as Kili calls it or _'doing nothing useful_ ' according to Thorin, who quickly finds he is not very good at that. Before he quit his job  even on weekends there were always emails to answer, papers to read and stock exchanges to watch. Now he is literally sat twiddling his thumbs and after the third cup of coffee Kili grins at him. "Being a kept husband my arse!” he smirks at his lover. "There is no way you'll last more than a month doing nothing! You can barely last a day!"

Thorin grumbles as he picks up a book. “I am not very good at _chillin’_.”

“I can see that,” Kili grins and snuggles up against his lover. “How about we go for a run together? You said you used to jog.” He playfully pats his lover’s belly. “And we need to make sure you stay in good shape for me, old man.”

“Hey!” Thorin cries out. “Who are you calling an old man here?” He jumps to his feet. “Right, I accept the challenge Mr Durin. Up you get.”

Kili smiles and follows his lover to their bedroom to get changed.

“Mhmm,” Kili eyes his lover when he has pulled on his training bottoms and a tight fitting t-shirt. “You look mega hot. I cannot wait for you to get all sweaty on me.”

“Work first then play,” Thorin slaps Kili’s backside and precedes him to the front door. “How far then,  mister?”

“Do you think you can manage five k, oldie?” Kili jests.

“You are going to regret that you said that,” Thorin pokes him in the chest and sets off, putting his earphones in and setting a steady pace.

***

“Alright, alright,” Kili pants heavily as he collapses on the sofa, his face bright red and his clothes clinging to his sweaty body. “You win.”

“I believe you owe me an apology,” Thorin says smugly, also feeling hot and sweaty, but looking distinctly more composed than his younger lover.

“Fine,” Kili groans as he accepts a glass of water, “you are not an oldie. And you're in a better shape than me. But just you wait!” he adds, “once I have been all fixed up I will beat your ass, that’s a promise!”

“I will hold you to that!” Thorin throws a pillow at Kili. “Now I am going to have a shower.” And he walks towards the bedroom to get undressed.

***

Thorin smiles to himself as he hears the bathroom door open. “Was wondering what took you so long,” he jokes, not turning to look at his lover just yet. A few moments later he can hear the glass door open and Kili’s hand snake around his wet body.

“I am not going to miss out on this when I am going to have to go without for six weeks!” Kili moans as he presses himself against his lover’s back.

Thorin feels excitement bubble up inside his stomach as he can feel Kili’s erection presses against his buttocks. “Mm,” he groans softly, “this feels promising.”

Kili smirks and pours a generous amount of shower gel in his hands and begins to soap up their bodies. “You are such a sexy man.” Kili purrs as he soaps Thorin's buttocks, squeezing the soft firm globes in his hands. "Love every little inch of you." He slides his hands to the front and begins to soap up Thorin's soft cock. "Especially this little inch," he teases.

"Hey! Careful you!" Thorin frowns as Kili insults manhood.

"I'm sorry," Kili teasingly flutters his eyelashes and sinks to his knees. "I'll make it up to you." And he washes away the soap from Thorin's prick before wrapping his lips around his crown.

Thorin relaxes back his head as Kili treats him to what he does best. He digs his fingers into the long wet strands of hair as Kili's tongue teases the rim of his cockhead, his lips massaging him slowly into service until his cock is filled and heavy and Thorin is groaning at every lick and suck. "That's good, my flower," he whimpers. "Just like that." Of course just like that, Kili knows exactly how to please him with mouth and tongue!

"I want to make love to you," Kili smiles as he pumps along Thorin's wet length. "Shall we finish in here and go to the bedroom, sexy?"

"Whatever you want, little flower," Thorin smiles, pulling Kili to his feet and into a kiss. "Tonight," he whispers against his lips, "I am all yours."

Kili makes soft whimpering noises at that whilst he rubs himself up against Thorin, fighting his thick sword with his own. He pushes his tongue needily into the warmth of his lover's mouth and feels all his anxiety wash away through the drain plug as they stand tonguing under the warm rain of the shower. "You're such a good kisser," Kili smiles as they come up for air. "I love kissing with you." And he reinforces his statement by seeking Thorin's lips once more.

When they've finally manages to let go of each other for just long enough to finish their shower, Thorin scoops his Kili into his strong arms, making the younger man squeal in delight as he carries him to their bedroom like a bride on her wedding night. "Something tells me another shower will be necessary later, " Thorin grins when he deposits his lover on top of the duvet.

"I will make sure of it!" Kili promises as he drags Thorin down with him and pins him onto his back as he straddles his lap. "Damn Thorin, you're so hot!" he beams as his beloved's wet strands fan out across the pillows and he proudly presents his hard cock to him. Kili grabs their poles together, stimulating their lengths against one another.

"That's really nice, sweetpea," Thorin groans as he relaxes back and lets Kili play with him. He shudders when he feels a finger finding its way over his sack towards his entrance. "You want to top?" he asks softly feeling his cheeks heat up with anticipation.

In answer Kili wriggles himself between his lover's legs and pushes Thorin's knees back,opening up his access. "You sexy piece," he grins and he moves to bite softly into Thorin's buttocks. "Wanna have me?"

"Yes," Thorin groans as he feels Kili's rough tongue lick firmly over his pucker. Little whimpers of pleasure soon follow as that clever tongue circles his sensitive entrance to finally breach the tight ring of muscle. He can feel Kili's nose press up against his balls as the young man moves his tongue in and out of his furrow, the sensation both delicious and maddening all at once.

"Please... " he utters croakily after what feels like hours of Kili's lovely tongue playing his ass and his prick is a thick purple and dripping precum onto his stomach.

"Please what, lover?" Kili grins up from between his legs. "Tell me what you want, sexy."

"Make love to me," Thorin groans as Kili teases his rim again. "God Jesus Kili, fuck me already!" he begs, letting his legs fall open wider to invite his man in.

Kili does not need to be asked again as he slicks up his hard cock with ample lubrication. "Want fingers first?" he asks his less experienced partner kindly and he watches Thorin hesitate briefly, before the older man shakes his head. "No, just take it slowly," Thorin smiles and he chases the little droplets that fall out of Kili's hair and race down his chest.

"Course I will," Kili sooths as he lines himself up against the softened pink entrance to his pleasure. They both groan in unison as Kili penetrates his fiance's tight heat. Thorin tenses briefly as Kili's girth fills and stretches him, but Kili strokes and kisses him until his body moulds itself around that odd yet familiar feeling of having Kili deep inside him. "You okay, my sexy man?" Kili shifts to tilt his hips as he pushes Thorin knees against his chest.

"Yes my lovely," Thorin groans softly under the movement and then whimpers loudly when Kili drags along his gland, which causes a little explosion of pleasure to shoot up his cock.

"Wanna make sure to give you something to keep you going while I'm gone," Kili smiles as he starts to pump his hips, beaming into the bright blue eyes of his handsome gentleman.

Thorin threads his legs around Kili's waist as he opens up further into the thrust. "You're the most beautiful creature," he whispers heatedly and grunts in the rhythm by which Kili pounds him into the mattress. "I love you making love to me."

Kili tingles all over as he shafts himself to the hilt. "I love you ... so much...  Thorin," he utters. "You're the love of my life!" and he presses a sloppy wet kiss onto his lover's lips. He can feel Thorin meet his thrust as he curves his back. "I'm so lucky," he sighs in bliss as Thorin tightens around his length.

"As am I," Thorin smiles back and presses a finger against Kili's lips when he can see the younger man wishes to argue the compliment. "You've made my heart and my body bloom, my little dandelion," he smiles tracing the impulse tattoo over Kili's heart.

And to his relief Kili accepts his part in their relationship as he nods happily. "I promise I will be a good husband, Thorin," he beams. "Going to make you and Fili proud of me!"

"You will, lovely one," Thorin runs his large hands over Kili's soft hot skin. "Mmm, my sexy prince charming." He grabs Kili's buttocks pushing their lower bodies together in an every increasing rhythm.

"Definitely... Need...  A shower, " Kili grunts as the sweat runs down his back from their passionate workout. "Want to come...  for me?"

Thorin moves his hand in between them as Kili sinks down on his hunches to make some space for his older lover as his large hand wraps around his shaft and begins to pump along his swollen member. They look deep into each other's eyes, the only sound between them their mutual heavy breathing and heated whimpers and grunts, until Kili can feel that telltale tightening of Thorin's channel complemented by the flush that starts in his chest and spreads along his neck up into his cheeks. A second later he is treated to the beautiful sound that signals his lover's peak, as hot streaks of his pearly juices shoot over their skin.

"Oh God, Thorin!" Kili cries out as his hard cock is squeezed tight by Thorin's shuddering climax, enough to help him towards his own summit. "Babes, oh God!" he calls out as he shoots his seed deep inside Thorin's body, filling his hot channel with his cream.

Thorin wraps his arms and legs tight around the brunet, keeping him close as they both begin to soften. Sweat mixes with semen and clings to the both of them whilst they enjoy the dissipating heat.

"That was amazing," Kili gleams as he snuggles into the warmth of Thorin's embrace.

"It was," Thorin agrees happy that Kili seems to genuinely enjoy sex with him so much. "Love you forever, my flower." He strokes through Kili's wet hair as the younger man rests his head on his chest.

Thorin and Kili both laugh as they suddenly hear a little meow from the doorway.

"Hi Shadow! Alright, we're done," Kili chuckles as the little cat promptly jumps onto the bed and begins to purr loudly as he curls up at their feet. "You'll look after Shadow while I'm away, won't you?" Kili asks a little nervously. Thorin had allowed the stray to stay under the agreement that Kili would look after it and he suddenly worries that Thorin will put the stray out now that he will not be able to meet his side of the bargain.

"Course I will, honeycake," Thorin promises with a kiss. "We'll be just fine."

Kili looks up and grins at Thorin. "Aaw, you've grown fond of him!"

"Hm, maybe," Thorin grumbles, but he can't deny it and he's kind of grateful that he has the cat to keep him company during Kili's rehab.

"That's so cute, you big softie," Kili giggles. Shadow paws his way up the duvet and meows loudly again. “Guess you’re hungry then. Actually, so am I. Shall I order us a curry? I feel like snuggling on the sofa with you tonight. Want to make the most of these last few hours with you.”

“Oh honey,” Thorin places a soft kiss on Kili’s forehead. “You make it sound like we’ll never see each other again. These weeks will fly by and then it is countdown until you become my Mr Oakenshield.” He smiles at the twinkle in Kili’s eyes. “There, that’s better,” he traces the smiles around his lips. “And a curry sounds good. We’ll do some more _chillin_ ’ tonight.”

“You sound ancient when you say it like that,” Kili chuckles as he shuffles himself off the bed and wraps his dressing gown around him, with Shadow hot on his heels. Then he pouts. “You will miss me won’t you?”

“More than anything, flower,” Thorin nods as he too gets too his feet. “I will be counting down the minutes until you are back in my arms.”


	47. Goodbye and Hello

## Thorin

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you?” Thorin asks concerned for the umpteenth  time. “Just say if you do.”

“You need to look after Shadow,” Kili shakes his head with a smile as he squeezes Thorin’s hand. “I will be fine, honestly. You have given me a full itinerary, I got my wallet and my phone. And if I get lost I will just flutter my eyelashes and get someone to give me a lift.”

“No!” Thorin jolts. “You shouldn’t …”

“I am joking!” Kili quickly interrupts, laughing at the worried frown on his lover’s face. “Seriously, babes, I have managed to survive the British underworld for fourteen years on my own, I can manage to get to Scotland without you holding my hand.” When he can see a little hurt flicker across Thorin’s blue eyes, he rubs Thorin’s hand. “I will be okay, handsome,” he smiles reassuringly. “I will send you messages as promised and will give you a call when I get to Scotland. Okay?”

Thorin nods with a sad smile. He knows Kili is right and when he had voiced his concerns to Dwalin he too had told him to get back in his box and let Kili do this: “He is a grown man, Thorin. All things considered he has managed to look after himself quite well.” “But what if he does not actually go there? What if he decides not to do this after all?” Thorin had argued, but he had already known the answer before Dwalin had said it. “If you do not trust him to keep his word, Thorin, then that is a matter you need to think about very carefully before you put a ring on his finger,” his best friend had answered curtly. “Your relationship should be based on trust and I know that is almost impossible when you are with someone with an addiction. But this has to be his journey and going there is the first step to his recovery.”

Kili takes his suitcase, which Thorin had insisted he would carry to the station, as the tannoy announces the arrival of his train. “Guess that’s me then,” he says nervously.

Thorin nods, feeling a sickness curl inside his stomach as he wants nothing more than to wrap Kili in his arms and tell him he does not need to go, that they will get through this together. But he knows that they will not and that he needs to let Kili go and do this for the both of them. He bends himself forward to give Kili a goodbye kiss, but then hesitates, suddenly feeling conscious of the public around them and what they would think of such display of affection between two men. But Kili wraps his arms around his neck and presses a long, soft kiss on his lips, ignoring any stares that they are getting. “I will miss you, Thorin. You will miss me too, won’t you?”

“So much, flower,” Thorin sighs as he hesitantly returns the kiss. “Look after yourself. You are going to do great, sweetpea. You are going to make us all proud, most of all yourself. Show them what you’ve got. And when you come back we will register for our wedding.” He brushes his thumb across Kili’s cheek. “I love you, Kili.”

“I love you too, babe,” Kili beams, hugging Thorin tightly, before he picks up his suitcase and makes his way towards the door. “Bye!” he waves as he steps into the train. “Give Shadow cuddles from me!”

Thorin stays standing on the platform as Kili takes his seat by the window and smiles as he throws him a hand-kiss, returning the gesture. He can feel the eyes of two elderly ladies burn in his back and his cheeks flush in the knowledge that even in the twenty-first century their relationship still seems to be perceived as this anomaly. But before he can get himself too worked up over it, the station attendant blows his whistle and he watches Kili mouth _I love you_ once more as the train starts to move.

 _Love you too!_ he mouths back as he waves at his beloved until he disappears from view. Even then he stands staring after the train until it slowly turns around the bend and only then does he turn back towards the exit.

As he does he catches the eye of the two older ladies sat on the bench and throws them a shy smile, expecting a sneer or disapproving look. But he is surprised when one of them, beams back at him and mutters, “Good on you, young man,” to him, which makes his heart do a little loop and paints a grin on his face.

When he gets into his car he finds himself staring into nothing without turning the engine on for some time, waiting for the uncomfortable churning in his guts to settle down. And he realises that it's more than anxiety for his lover.  He already misses Kili.  Despite the trouble that the younger man is causing himself and the two of them, he has never felt so in tune with anyone before, never felt so happy to be around someone. For the first time since he and Kili got together he thinks back to his life before Kili came thrashing into it; how lonely he had been. And the thought of returning to an empty apartment for a month in a half is making him suddenly anxious. _What if he does not come back? What if he meets someone in Scotland? What if …_ “Stop it!” he growls out loud at himself and starts the engine and slowly leaves the car park to make his way home.

## Kili

As soon as Thorin has disappeared from view, Kili wants to get up and pull at the emergency handle, screaming that he wants to get off this train, which suddenly feels like his final journey to hell. And although he forces himself to stay put, he begins to wring his hands in an ever increasing rhythm, drawing blunt scratches across the backs of his hands. He only becomes aware that he is doing it when he catches the frown from the lady sat opposite him and he quickly buries his hands in his lap and stares out of the window.  He realises with a shock he has not displayed such behaviour since he was a teenager. It was something that had started when his father had died, when they had had to move house and he had had to leave all his friends behind. He had hated living on the estate, full of time wasting low lives, who did nothing but cause trouble by terrorising the neighbourhood. But after he had been threatened with a knife once for doing nothing more but walk down the wrong street wearing the wrong clothes he had quickly realised that the only way to survive that environment was to play along with the game. It was in those days that his anxiety really had started to flare up and he found himself lying in bed at night scratching his skin until it was red raw. He did not even know why he was doing it, but somehow he had found it gave him some relief from his worries, as if his body was too occupied with the burning sensation in his skin to give his anxious thoughts any attention. It was only when he had found the self-medicating bliss of marihuana that his self-harming tendencies had been replaced by this new way out of reality.

He is shocked to find that he has not thought about any of these things for a very long time indeed, as if he had locked those memories in a box in a drawer, because they were of no use to him whilst he was struggling to survive as a male prostitute.

Suddenly he wonders why he is even on this goddamned train; why he had let himself be talked into all this. Is it even worth it? When he had first met Thorin it had felt like he'd won the lottery with this gorgeous rich guy who treated him like a prince and offered him the world on a plate. But when reality had sunk in things had been far from the easy life it had seemed on the outside. He felt like a leper at times living and working amongst Thorin and his friends. At least when it was just him and his buddies from the club he felt like he was amongst equals who did not judge him for what he did, whether it was fucking for money or drinking or smoking himself into a stupor to forget the former. But now there were all these people – not just Fili and Thorin, but Dwalin and Lyn and Ange and even little Flick – to whom he needed to prove that he was _better than that._ And he wants to shout at them all that they can take him as he is or not at all. Why does he need to be clean? Why does he need to go to rehab like he has some dirty disease that he needs to be cured from.  If Thorin loves him so much why can he not just take him as he is, with all his flaws. He should not need to change for someone in order to be accepted. He does not want Thorin to give up any of his life – no, he has done that all by himself! - so why does he expect Kili to?

He feels the anger boiling up inside him again and he pulls out his phone, determined to tell Thorin exactly that. That he is not going to go to rehab. That he does not need help and that Thorin can take him as he is or not at all.

_~ Hi little flower. It broke my heart to see you board that train and disappear from view. I wanted to run after you and tell you to come back, tell you that we would sort everything together. But I know I cannot give you the help you need. I wish I could click my fingers and make all our hurt go away, everything that has happened to the both of us. But then I remember that we are who we are because of it all. And I am proud of who we are, you and me both. You are going to get the help that I cannot give you and I must feel happy for that even though your absence kills me already. But when you come back I promise you that I will do everything in my power to make you the happiest man alive. You are my world, my sweetpea, and I have never been happier than when I am with you. Look after yourself, as I know you will. I am infinitely proud of you. Thank you for fighting so hard for us. I wish I could have come with you but as Dwalin keeps telling me, this is your battle and I cannot fight it for you. But I'm here to support you and I cannot wait until I can see you again. I'm so crazy about you, Kili. Forever yours, Thorin._

Kili stares at the long message, his throat feeling thick with emotion. "Fuck,  Thorin," he mutters under his breath. "How do you do that?" He takes a deep breath and begins to type quite a different message to the one he'd intended.

_~ Crazy about you too, babe. Miss you so much already. Wish you were here. Xxx_

Damn, it's true. He wants to do this not because Thorin expects him to.  But because he actually loves the guy and he hates to see the upset and disappointment in his eyes when he fucks up. So what's the alternative Kili? If you don't go to rehab, what then? Are you gonna live off Thorin like a leach? You know you are not that person. You say Thorin can take you as you are or not at all. Really? Will you really risk that he may turn around and tell you it's over then?

He feels a physical sickness rise up at the thought of Thorin breaking up with him.

 _~ I really love you!_ he hastily types another message. ~ _So sorry I've let you down before. Thank you for sticking by me. I want to be a good husband to you, you deserve it. XXX_

Soppy git, he smirks to himself as he presses the send button and sinks back into the dark blue seat, putting his headphones in to block out the world around him.

## Ori

Ori slowly opens his eyes and stares at the nicotine stained ceiling above his bed. He feels sore. Last night’s client had been unusually rough and despite his years of experience and ample lube he had bled a little afterwards. He sighs a deep sigh and look at the clock on his mobile. Quarter past one in the afternoon, no wonder his stomach is rumbling. He can hear shuffling in the living room and guesses that Gimli is already up. He still enjoys the redhead’s company, but ever since Kili’s accidental overdose - for which his fiance had held him responsible! - he is nervous about the amount of shit the younger boy brings into his apartment. If they ever got raided he would be in a world of trouble, especially as he knows that Gimli doesn’t just use but sells as well.

He pulls the blanket back over his head, wishing to fall back asleep for another few hours and forget about the world. But then he remembers that today Kili is going to rehab. He had sent him a message a couple of days ago about it, his usual mixture of _yeah I am going, but it is going to be shit_. He wonders how the brunet is getting on. He misses his best friend so much. He really is happy for him that he has fallen in love with someone, but equally he feels a little abandoned and he suddenly wonders if Thorin had told Kili not to visit him anymore. Bastard! he scowls to himself. He has no right!

He angrily grabs his phone. _Stuff the rich dick!_ he smirks to himself as he starts to type a message to his friend.

_~ Hey babe. How is Scotland? Are you a good boy yet? X Ori_

He smiles when he gets a message back almost immediately.

_~ Not there yet, you idiot! 5 hours to Edinburgh! Did you just wake up, you lazy ass?_

Ori chuckles at the familiar tone of his friend’s message, which he has missed so much over these last few months.

_~ Some of us were at work until fuck knows what time in the morning! Not like you, little rich bitch. Had a butcher last night, ouch!_

~ _Aw, sweety! Wish I could kiss it better for you :P_

_~ Better not let your rich pimp hear you say that!_

When he doesn’t get an immediate reply Ori realises he has overstepped the mark, before he even gets the message back from Kili.

~ _Fuck off, you cock. That’s my fiance you’re talking about!_

Ori sighs. ~ Sorry. He stuffs his phone under his pillow in a huff, ignoring the vibration announcing a reply and pulls the duvet back over himself, trying his hardest to catch a few more hours of sleep before he has to go to work again. He cringes at the thought of letting anyone touch him there today and wishes he could call in sick, but knows that unless he is on death’s door Thranduil will not let him off that easily.

 

## Thorin

As he pushes open the front door to their apartment he can hear the beep of the answermachine. It’s a sound that used to be so familiar to him before he left Oakenshield’s Investments that he presses the button without delay whilst he proceeds towards the coffee machine before he has even taken off his coat. As he fills the reservoir with water he listens to the mechanic voice reel off the date and time of the message before it clicks over into the actual message.

He freezes on the spot as he hears an elderly female voice speak hesitantly.

_Hello? … Thorin? … It ehm … it is mum. I know it has been a very long time and … I understand if you don’t want to speak to me … .... …. I am sorry for what happened … I probably should not have called …_

And then the message cuts of and the mechanical voice gives the usual range of options to return the call at the normal rate blah blah … Thorin stares at the device as if he has never seen an answer machine in his life. As if a ghost has left a message on it, which might as well be true as far as he knows. Up until a minute ago he has presumed his mother deceased. How long has it been since he had last spoken to her? He tries hard to think back to those awful years that he had tried so hard to wipe from his memory. He was nineteen when Frerin took his own life. By that time he had already not heard from his mother for well over a year. He gasps as he realises it has been nearly a quarter of a century since he had last heard from the woman who had given birth to him.

He finds himself wobble on his feet and needs to steady himself on the worktop. Why? Why has she tried to contact him now. How has she even got hold of his number? The latter is probably not difficult actually in this day and age. His number is no secret. But then, why has she not tried to phone before? Seriously, after twenty-four years what the hell is there to say now? They are strangers, bound by blood but nothing more. As he stares at the phone again he wants to just press the delete button and forget that he ever heard the message. But some little voice is telling him not be rash. Although the woman did not leave a contact number, he could try to return the call, provided her number is not withheld. But he cannot bring himself to do it just yet. He needs to think about this, decide whether he wants to reopen those old wounds. Right now he has so many things going on in his life that this really is not the right time to add even more complications to it.

He feels a sudden rage erupt inside him. How dare she do this to him?! When he and Frerin needed her most she left them to rot in hell. Does she even know her youngest killed himself because of what their father did to them?

He realises he has never felt such anger for his mother before. When she had vanished from their lives he had just accepted it and had buried that deep along with most of his past. But now that she has had the audacity to come waltzing back into his life like this …

He abandons the coffee he had not even started to make and storms back out of the door. He needs some fresh air, needs to clear his mind and calm down.

When his phone beeps in his pocket he hesitates for a moment, almost expecting it to be his mother again but then reminds himself she definitely will not have his mobile number, And he smiles when he sees it is a message from Kili.

_Bored now and missing you like mad! Thank you so much for buying me a Kindle!! Nearly finished one book already and still got another hour to go, sigh … Wish you were here XXX_

 

## Kili

He feels both relieved and anxious as the end of his journey looms. Thorin had said to just get a taxi once he got to Edinburgh and  now he sits staring out of the window at the grey, rainy view as the driver chats in a strong Scottish accent to him which he is struggling to understand and therefore just replies with what seem appropriate yes and nos.

When they pull up in front of the large manor house set in private grounds his mouth falls open. Even though he had seen the facilities on the DVD, in real life it looks so much grander than he had expected. He settles his bill with the driver and takes his suitcase from him. As he watches the taxi drive off he rings Thorin for a final time, knowing that he is not supposed to speak to him for a week thereafter as he settles into his programme.

“Kili!” Thorin’s deep voice calls out happily from the other end of the line.”How are you getting on?”

“I am here,” Kili says quietly, feeling his stomach churn unpleasantly.

“I am glad,” he can hear Thorin sigh in relief. “Did it all go okay?”

“Yeah, fine,” Kili shrugs as he looks up at the facade and the large front door to his prison. “Guess this is it then,” he shudders.

“You will do fine, flower,” Thorin tries to encourage him. Then after a short pause. “Me and Shadow miss you already.”

Kili smiles at the mention of the cat. “Miss you both too,” he grins. “Right, guess I had best do this then before I lose my nerve.”

“Good luck, my sweetheart. Will you call as soon as you can?”

“Course I will, babes,” Kili promises. “Love you loads.”

“Love you more,” Thorin finishes the call with a kiss over the line.

As the line goes dead Kili takes a deep breath and begins to make his way towards the reception area. And even though he forces his happy-go-lucky smile onto his smile, his body breaks into a cold sweat as he mounts the steps towards the unknown.

## Ori

When Ori opens his eyes again he can see by the change in light in his room that it is much later in the afternoon. He yawns loudly and forces the duvet off him.As he pulls his jogging bottoms on he picks up his phone, which he had stuffed under his pillow.

_~ ‘sOkay, shouldn’t have snapped. Just nervous. This is going to be hell and I don’t even know why I am doing it! Some days I wish I was back living with you. Life seemed so much easier then._

Ori pulls up his eyebrows and shakes his head. “Kili, you are a stupid idiot,” he grumbles to himself. _You don’t know a good thing when it hits you around the face._ He suddenly feels annoyed with his old friend. _You moan about being sent to some Scottish castle to get pampered for a few weeks after which you return to your handsome lover in your prestine home. And here is me, not being able to shit without pain and yet readying myself to get fucked again tonight._ And for the first time he feels less sympathy and more annoyance towards his friend who seems to have so little appreciation for the fantastic life Thorin has given him. What he wouldn’t do to be offered that!


	48. George

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I know I am taking a punt by going cross-fandom here. But I like George from Being Human and I think he would get on with our Kili who has a hint of Mitchell in him too. Hope you forgive me and enjoy!

Kili isn't sure what he'd expected from Castle Craig. They'd watched the DVD and had looked on the website so he had seen plenty of the building and the grounds, yet he's still surprised that the place feels like a hotel rather than a clinic. His room is stylishly decorated and has a private on-suite. And all the 'customers' as they are being called and the staff are dressed in smart casual clothes. He'd half expected to be stripped from all his personal belongings, put in some night gown and thrown into a bare padded cell as men in white coats studied him. Of course that image was an extreme expression of his anxiety, but still the reality was so completely the opposite of that that it makes him wonder if he's even turned up at the right place.

He looks at the booklet he'd been given upon registration, which included lots of information about the facility, the programme he'll be following and the timetable. The receptionist had explained to him that he'd have an introductory meeting later that afternoon with his personal coach, whom he could ask any questions he'd have. She'd recommended that he'd read through the booklet before then.

"What do I do until then?" he'd asked unsurely.

"Here is the key to your room and a map of the grounds, Mr Durin," the receptionist had smiled kindly at him. "There are coffee and tea making facilities in  your room and there is a restaurant with a coffee shop at the end of the hall. If you need anything, just ask."

Kili lies himself down on the soft bed, feeling confused but a little less anxious than he had been. He pulls his phone out of his pocket, which no-one had confiscated yet and sends Thorin a quick message.

_I'm checked in. Place really does look like a castle. Room is nice and receptionist was very friendly. Got a meeting with my mentor this afternoon. So far still got my phone, yay! And my own clothes, even more yay! Miss you lots, lover. Xxx_

**Thorin**

Thorin smiles as he reads Kili's text. He knows his character well enough now to read between the lines of his texts and he can see that his beloved has relaxed a little now that he's there.

"Kili?" Dwalin asks as he puts a plate of biscuits down between them and takes a sip from his tea.

Thorin nods. "He seems okay so far."

"Of course he is. He will be fine," Dwalin says plainly. He's never seen Thorin like this before, fretting so much over anyone or anything. "So how is sitting at home becoming you?" he steers the subject back to his friend.

"Hi dad! Hello Thorin," Dwalin's daughter greets the both of them as she throws her  bag in the corner and opens the fridge.

"Hi Maggie," Thorin smiles, "How was school?"

The blond haired girl shrugs as she begins to butter a sandwich. "Alright."

"We'll be having dinner soon," Dwalin frowns as he watches his daughter fill her plate.

"I will eat my dinner!" the girl promises. "But I'm hungry now!"

Dwalin sighs. "Alright. Make sure you do your homework first before you get onto that computer."

"Yes, dad!" the teenage girl rolls her eyes but places a kiss on her father's bald head,  before picking up her bag and running up the stairs.

"When you get married,  don't have kids, " Dwalin smirks at his best friend. "They cost fortune and are a pain in the arse." But Thorin can see the fondness he has for all his children underneath his grumpy front and thinks how lucky the kids are to have such great parents.

He smiles at his and takes a sip from his tea. "You asked about me sitting at home. Actually, I spoke to an old colleague a few hours ago. He has a consultancy firm now and I'm meeting up with him later this week. It sounds quite interesting."

"That sounds good, bud,” Dwalin nods. “You do need to get yourself something to get your teeth into. Other than your boyfriend,” he grins. “You’re not one to sit on your laurels.”

“I am not,” Thorin agrees. “Although it has been nice to take a break and think about where my life is heading.”

“Which is where?”

“At the moment? Certain doom?” Thorin jests. “I am joking,” he quickly adds when Dwalin raises a concerned eyebrow. “I think it is heading towards a new outlook on life. A better work-life balance. I like my luxury lifestyle and I like working hard. But I am nearly forty-three now and I would like to do more with my life than just watch the stock exchanges rise and tumble. I want to spend time with Kee, maybe travel the world a bit. Take up a hobby or something.”

Dwalin smiles brightly at his old friend. “I think that sounds marvellous, Thor. If that is the side that Kili has brought out in you then I think he’s done a great job.”

Thorin smiles softly, thinking about his baby and how he is getting on in Scotland. “There’s something I wanted to tell you. I want to know what you think I should do,” he abruptly changes the subject. “When I came home from the train station this morning there was a message on my answer machine. From Amata.”

Dwalin looks at his friend without comprehension for a moment, the unusual name rings a bell but he cannot quite place it. Then his eyes grow wide. “Your mother?!”

Thorin nods. “Can you believe it? Nearly a quarter of a century it has been since I heard from the woman.”

“What did she say?”

“Not much. That she was sorry. That she probably should not have called. Then she put the phone down.” He looks into the bright clear eyes of his study friend.

“Are you going to ring her back?” Dwalin asks outright.

“I have not decided yet. She did not leave a number, but I can try to return the call. I don’t know … Do you think I should?”

“I cannot answer that question for you, mate,” Dwalin shakes his head.

“I know that. But what would you do?”

Dwalin takes a long deep breath. “Personally? I think maybe now is not the right time to add another emotional strain to your already complicated private life. But on the other hand, I think I would want to know why she has contacted you now. How old will she be now, Thorin? Mid sixties?”

“Something like that.”

"Look, I'm gonna be quite brutal here," Dwalin says. "She's not a spring chicken. For all you know her health could be poor. You have to decide for yourself if  you knew this was your last opportunity to speak to her, would you take it?"

Thorin contemplates this. It had crossed his mind when he'd questioned the reason for his mother's sudden change of heart.

“It is your call, mate," Dwalin says as Thorin does not answer. "But even if you do contact her that does not mean you have to accept her back into your life. You can hear her out and then tell her that right now you don’t have a space for her in your life. She has done you a lot of damage, Thorin. Just be careful not to get yourself too wrapped up in too many other people’s problems right now. You have decided to give Kili a chance and to help him get better for your wedding. Then that is where your priorities should lie.”

Thorin nods, grateful as always for his best friend’s honest advice.

“You staying for dinner?” Dwalin asks as he pushes back his chair ready to make a start on tonight’s meal. “I am making a mediterranean stew.”

“How could I possibly say no to that?” Thorin smiles."

**Kili**

Kili knocks on the door. He'd taken a shower, pulled on some smart jeans and a plain shirt, both of which Thorin had bought him, and feels happy in his skin and appearance. He'd decided there were two approaches he could take to this meeting with his mentor; either he would go in there with his usual barriers firmly in place and his lips sealed tight - but that tactic had failed miserably when he'd gone to see his previous therapist - or, and this was the approach he'd decided on, he would but on his flair and charm that he knew got him out of many a sticky situation in the past.

As he's called into the room he's surprised to find a youngish guy in jeans and a stripey polo shirt smile back at him. "Hey, " he gets up and holds out his hand. "You must be Kili. I'm George."

Kili shakes the guy's hand and quickly makes an assessment of him as he does. He seemed to be around the same age as him, which both surprised and pleased him - it was one of the things he'd struggled with before, having to talk to someone older when generally his only dealings with older men had been as his clients. He also notes that the guy's handshake is firm but his voice is soft. And the round glasses and huge ears - oh my god, this guy must have been in the front row when they handed those out! - make him look a little geeky. Not at all what he'd expected, but then so far nothing had been.

"Take a seat," George says. "Would you like coffee, tea?"

Kili shakes his head but takes a seat on the modern leather sofa after looks around the room. It's plainly decorated in gentle unobtrusive pastels and modern stylish furniture.

"So," George brings his attention back, "the purpose of today is for me to get to know you a bit better and for you to ask any questions you have about the programme. Don't  worry, this won't be your only opportunity. You can see me at any time when I'm available and you have a question and when I'm not you can leave a message on my mobile. Is that okay with you?"

"Yeah," Kili shrugs, swallowing the _whatever_ he wants to add.

"Good," the other guy smiles friendly. "Do you have any questions to start with?"

"Yeah," Kili says. "What do you do? As my mentor I mean."

"Sure, that's a good starting point, " George says, already putting Kili's hairs up with his overly kind approach, which feels somewhat patronising.”Well, I will be recommending the appropriate treatment programme for you, following our conversation. And thereafter you will have daily meetings with me to discuss your progress and therapies to ensure that we both feel that the programme is the right one for you. And I will also be here to answer any questions you may have.”

Kili smirks. “And what makes you qualified to recommend the right treatment for me?” He is surprised at his own words and he guesses that living with Thorin has had some influence on him after all. His words may not be anywhere near as polished as his lover’s but he had never before stood up for his rights and demanded someone to verify their claims like that before.

But George seems unphased by the direct question. He gets up and picks a framed certificate off the wall, which he hands to Kili. “This is my diploma in psychology. I can give you the phone number of the body I am a member of?”

Kili waves a hand and hands the certificate back, having not actually looked at it. “I was just wondering …” he mumbles.

“That is absolutely fine, ” George says as he sits down again. “I can see from your notes that this is your second referral and as the last one did not have the desired outcome it is only fair that this time you want to ensure you have someone in front of you you feel you can trust.”

 _Trust? Don’t make me laugh!_ Kili wants to answer, but he swallows his venomous thoughts.

"Do you have any other questions? " When Kili shakes his head, George clicks his pen  and begins to take notes.  "Just writing down the date, " he holds up the piece of paper as he can see Kili frown. "We'll just start with basic questions. Full name please?"

"Kilian Aidan Durin."

"Date of birth?"

"Twenty fifth of March 1983."

"Do you have any siblings?"

"Yes, an older brother."

"Do you have contact with him?"

"Yes. When I don't fuck up."

George looks up at the curly haired brunet before him. "You mean with the drugs?"

Kili shrugs, thinking he really should learn to just answer yes or no in these things. "Yeah I guess, " he says softly, looking at the floor.

"What about your parents? Do you have contact with them?"

Kili snorts. "My father's dead and my mum hates me and thinks I'm disgusting, so no."

George looks at the brunet again, who avoids his gaze. “Why does your mother think you are disgusting?” he asks, with the appropriate professionalism that he had been trained in.

Kili raises an eyebrow as he looks at the guy opposite him. “I thought you read my notes,” he bounces back. Annoyingly enough the geeky guy throws him a sympathetic type of smile that makes Kili want to smack him.

“I have,” George confirms. “But I would like to hear it from you.”

“What, so that you can feel all smug and mighty to be analysing such a pathetic creature as me? Or perhaps you hope to hear me tell all the filthy details of what these men made me do?” Kili snarls, but he regrets the outburst as soon as he has said it. “I’m sorry,” he mumbles, averting his gaze again. 

“Kili, why does your mother think you are disgusting?” George repeats the question after giving Kili a moment to calm down.

“Because I’m a whore,” Kili whispers, feeling embarrassment taint his cheeks. How many more people who don’t even pay him for the pleasure will he have to share that piece of information with? And suddenly he wishes he had not agreed to this and his eyes flick to the door, tempted to run out of this room and away from yet another tormentor.

“Has your mother actually said this to you?”

“Yes,” Kili sighs. “More than once. Oh and she’s told my fiance he is disgusting too,” he adds.

“You are due to get married?” George asks, smiling, but Kili cannot tell whether it is genuine or just part of the game.

“Yeah,” Kili answer curtly.

“My congratulations. When is the big day?”

“October the third,” Kili says and then curses himself for being so forward with all this information. _None of your fucking business!_ he wants to say and he finds himself running his fingernails over the inside of his wrist to try and calm his nerves.

 

“Oh not too long then,” George chats away happily, either purposefully or obliviously ignorant to Kili’s anxiety. “How long have you been together?”

“How is this relevant to my treatment?” Kili snaps this time.

George takes a sip from his cup of tea, taking a moment to form his response. “It is important to form a holistic picture of what is going on in your life, what support you have around you and what problems play under the surface that may act as triggers for your relapses,” he explains calmly. “If there is anything you do not want to talk about with me then of course you can say so. But it would help speed up your treatment if you are as honest as possible.”

Kili considers this for a moment. He does not want to lay bare all of his life and loves to yet another stranger, but if it means he can get out of this place sooner than all the better. “Five months,” he says, waiting for some form of well-meant advice or warning that that is very soon to get married, but none of that comes and he relaxes just a little bit.

“But your mother does not approve of him?” George asks, having been observant enough to note that Kili had said _he._

Kili laughs mockingly. “My mother does not approve of many things. She thinks I have decided to be gay just to piss her off.” He looks at George but the other gives little reaction to any of his revelations.

“And how does that make you feel?” the other man asks, taking another sip of his tea.

Kili shrugs again. “I am used to it. She has hated me for as long as I remember. She was the one who threw me onto the street. Wouldn’t be in this fucking mess if it wasn't for her,” he snarls.

George takes a few moment to make some notes.

“And your father? You said he is no longer with us. Did he die recently?”

Kili shakes his head. “A long time ago. I was only a kid. He had a motorbike accident.”

“Do you remember him at all?”

“Yeah. He was nice.” Kili screws up his face as some faint memories return to him. “Life was nice then. We did not have much. But we were happy. Mum was happy too.”

“So you have not always had such a bad relationship with your mother?” George asks kindly.

“I guess not,” Kili admits. “I don’t really remember much to be honest. But I think things were fine until Fili left.”

“Fili?”

“My brother. When we lived on the estate. It was awful, the place was a shithole and full of druggies and gangs. Fili got offered a place at Uni. He is so clever. So he left.”

“How did you feel about that?” his mentor asks.

Kili contemplates the question for a moment. No-one had ever asked him that and he had never really thought about it before. “Ehm …I guess I felt like I should be happy for him …” he says tentatively. He expects George to say something else, to prompt him, but to his surprise he doesn’t. Yet the silence that follows seems to scream at him to be broken and he finds himself adding to his statement of his own accord. “But it was pretty shit being on my own thereafter. We had always been so close. I felt sort of abandoned I guess.”

“Have you ever told your brother this?”

Kili nods. “Only recently though. When I started seeing Thorin. That’s my fiance. I did something stupid and my brother came to help me out of the shit. And we talked alot. And I sort of said that I felt like he had not been there for me then. And when ma kicked me out.”

“Why did your mother throw you out?” George asks, following up on the information Kili is providing.

“Because I got arrested for dealing cannabis,” Kili sighs. “Twice. I got off with a warning, but when my mum found my stash in my room she chucked me out.”

“How old were you then?”

“Fourteen,” Kili snorts as he drags his nails across his skin again, feeling a slight comfort in the gentle burning sensation.

George nods and makes more notes. “Then what happened? Did you have somewhere to go? Family? Your brother?”

Kili shakes his head, studying his nails. “No. I lived on the streets.”

“Why did you not contact your brother?”

Kili stares at his mentor, feeling anger again at these stupid questions. “These were the nineties!” he snarls. “We didn’t all have mobile phones like the kids these days! How was I gonna do that? I had no money, not a penny! I nicked food and I begged! Is that what you wanna hear? How low I got?! Living on the streets like a rat, shunned by every person who walked passed me as I lay huddled under a piece of cardboard on some park bench, waiting for the police to tell me to move along?!”

“What about charities?” George presses, unphased by Kili’s outbursts. “Was there anywhere else you could have gone for support?”

Kili suddenly leans forward, his eyes flaming as he raises his voice. “Don’t you fucking think I wouldn’t have if I had somewhere to go?!” he roars. “Do you think I wanted to end up doing what I did?! You have no idea, you idiot! It is all so easy isn’t when you are sat there in your posh clothes and your phone in your pocket! I was fucking fourteen years old! I knew nothing of the world! I had no idea where to go! Are you saying this was my own fault?!” he bellows.

“Not at all,” George replies calmly. “I am just trying to gather information. I am not blaming anyone for what had happened to you. Do you?”

Kili stares back in shock, his hands trembling as his anger continues to rush through him. “Yes!” he finds his mouth answering before he has good and well thought the question through.

“Who do you feel is to blame?” George presses when Kili does not expand on the question.

“My mum!” Kili snarls. “She knew I had nowhere to go. If she didn’t want me in the house, she could have sent me away or something. Not just chuck me onto the streets with nothing but the clothes on my back! What sort of mother does that?!”

It is not his job to provide judgement or sympathy, but George can’t help but wonder the same thing. “Did you brother know?” he moves on with the question.

“Kili shakes his head. “Not until much later. When I was already working.”

George nods. “So you started working as a sex worker?” he asks next.

Kili raises an eyebrow and snorts. “You make it sound like I picked up the local job paper and applied for it!” he bites.

“I assume that is not how it happened,” George tries to humour him. “How did you end up working in that industry?”

“I was raped,” Kili whispers, having come to terms with that statement from his previous psychological assessment. “I was drugged and beaten and raped.”

George swallows. He has been doing this job for a long time now and has heard many heart wrenching stories over the years. But he is only human and each story is just as horrific as the previous, each unique and equally devastating. “So you were trafficked?” he asks, in a neutral but sympathetic tone.

Kili looks at the other man in confusion and shakes his head. “I never went anywhere … He kept me in the city …” he says.

But George shakes his head. “It is a common misunderstanding that human trafficking just means kidnapping people from abroad to work in the sex industry. But it relates to any trade in humans, any form of forced labour or sexual slavery. If you were forced to perform any sexual acts against your will for the financial benefit of a pimp then that would be sexual exploitation and would likely fall under the trafficking act. Furthermore,” he adds, “you were underage.”

Kili looks at his mentor in shock. He had never thought of himself as a victim of such a prolific crime. He bites his lip and stares at the wall, trying to surpress his emotions as some of those memories resurface.

“How long have you worked in the sex industry?” George decides to move onto a more neutral question to allow Kili to catch his breath.

“Until earlier this year.”

“So that’s …” George turns back to the front page to check Kili’s date of birth, “sixteen years, yes?”

“Yes,” Kili sighs sadly.

“”But you have left the industry now?”

KIli nods.

“Was that your decision? To leave?”

“Yes. Well … Sort of …”

“Sort of?”

“Thorin helped me. My fiance.”

“I see. So he knew you worked as a prostitute when you met?”

Kili laughs. “Oh yes.” When George gives him an uncomprehending look, he snorts again. “We met at the club.”

“He was a client?” George tries to clarify his understand.

“No!” Kili quickly stresses. “Well, yes. I mean, he paid for me the first time. But I have never looked him at as a client. He only paid for oral once. And the next weekend he took me out on a trip to this race track.” He smiles at the memory of that unusual day. “It was sort of work, but it was more like a date. And I clocked off when we got back, but I stayed the night. And I never went back to the club. I have never had paid sex with him. Other than a BJ.” He looks back at George, who looks a little more flushed than he does, clearly not used to such frankness about sex.

“So you left the club to be with him?”

Kili nods. “Yeah.”

“Was that your decision or his?”

The brunet knits his brow together. “Ehm, both …”he says.  “We talked about it. He said if I did not want to go back he could support me and help me find a new job.”

“And did you? Find another job that is.”

Kili laughs a hollow laugh. “Yeah for all of like three weeks or so!”

“What happened.”

“They found out what I used to do.”

“How?”

Kili wrings his hands again as he feels nauseated at the memory of what has happened. “There was a party. At Thorin’s other company. There was this guy there. He was a client, years ago. He came on to me and when I told him to get lost he groped me. I told Thorin and he went mental and got the guy sacked and informed the police of what had happened. They raided his place I think and found childporn on his computer. We started to get abuse, Thorin and I. Like vandalism, stuff written on the walls and old photos of me shoved through the letterbox. I told Thorin to drop the case, but didn’t listen. He doesn’t understand that world at all. Anyway, the press found out and published an article and it named me as a hooker.”

“And you were sacked because of that?”

“Not exactly,” Kili sighs. “They read the article and called me into the office. It was about the fact that I had lied on my CV more than anything.” He shakes his head sadly. “Like they would have hired me if they had known the truth! Then they got Thorin involved as well, said that he was to blame because he knew I had lied. I could not let them ruin him,” he looks hard at George now. “His work means everything to him. So I quit. Told them to leave him alone, that I would just go.”

“Then what happened?”

“I took an overdose,” Kili admits, feeling the shame of the memory. “I didn’t mean to, I was stupid. I just wanted to forget for a while. To not think about all the shit that was happening. But my friend offered me speed and I had a heart attack.”

“Is that what you normally take? Speed?”

“No. Never. Marijuana usually. Alcohol. I have always stayed away from the stronger stuff like coke and heroin,” he says, feeling a little proud of that. “Seen what it did to others, watched people go crazy and even die from it. I didn’t want that. I just wanted something to take the edge off things. Forget about what I had to do each night.”

“When was the last time you took marijuana?”

Kili hesitates whether to tell the truth, but decides lying is not going to be of any benefit to him. “Yesterday.”

“And why did you take drugs yesterday?”

“Because I was stressed. Because of this Having to come here!”

George looks up and looks at Kili. “Was it your idea to come here?” he asks carefully.

“No!” Kili immediately replies harshly. But then he shrugs. “But I agreed,” he admits, remembering Thorin’s words that it would have to be his choice whether he wanted help or not.

“Whose idea was it?”

“Dwalin. He’s Thorin’s best friend. He’s a psychologist or something, I don’t know exactly. But Thorin says he knows what he is talking about. After the overdose he talked to Thorin about this place.”

“How did that make you feel? That he talked to your fiance about it first, before he talked to you?”

Kili looks up in surprise. “I was pretty pissed,” he admits. “I am an adult! Wouldn’t you be pissed if someone talked about you, deciding your future for you behind your back?”

George smiles. “Yes, I probably would,” he agrees, which is why he had asked the question. “Did you tell your fiance’s friend this?”

Kili shakes his head. “What’s the point? I know he only meant to help. Would just have been nice if he’d spoken to me first.”

“Do you feel it has been your decision to come here?”

“Sort of.” Kili stares at his hands again and notices the red streaks that his scratches have left on his skin. “I wouldn’t have come here if it wasn’t for Thorin,” he shrugs. “But he didn’t force me. Said it had to be my decision.”

“It does,” George agrees. “These programmes are tough and you have got to want to work hard to get the right result,” he nods. “You said you wouldn’t have come here if it wasn’t for Thorin. Why is that? What do you hope to get out of this for him?”

“To be a better person,” Kili sighs. “I keep letting him down. He does not like me taking drugs. He is scared I would overdose again and that he would lose me.”

“How does that make you feel?”

“That he cares about me. That I mean something to him.”

“That is a good feeling surely?”

“It is,” Kili smiles for the first time since they had started this conversation. “I know he loves me. And I love him too. I want to be a good husband to him.”

“That is good. And do you think he will be a good husband to you too?”

Kili nods. “He already is.”

George smiles as he can see the genuine happiness in the client. He knows it helps if the client has a strong circle of support around them - friends, family, loved ones. As long as they are not forcing the programme onto the client, but are just there to help and provide encouragement. “And you? What do you hope to get out of this programme for yourself?”

Kili thinks about this for a moment. It was a question Dwalin had told him to think about, that is was probably the most important question. “I … I am not sure,” he says. “I want to learn to deal with my past and with my emotions without the drugs. I hate this feeling of not being in control of my own life, my own destiny. I never have! Everyone has always decided everything for me. I have lived my entire life servicing the needs of others. I guess I want to learn what I want.”

George nods and puts down his pen as he looks at the clock. “Thank you, Kili,” he smiles. “That has given me a very good insight. I am going to read through my notes now and then we will sit down and discuss what I think would be a suitable treatment plan. How does that sound?”

Kili shrugs. “Fine.”

“Good. Now, there is an open art session at four o’clock that I recommend you go to. It just allows you express yourself creatively. You can draw, paint, make sculptures. I know it probably sounds very hippyish, but lots of our customers find it very enjoyable once they get into it and very therapeutic. Then there is dinner at six o’clock and then you can relax the rest of the evening. We have a communal room with a television and books. Or you can stay in your room, that is up to you. Then we will meet again first thing tomorrow. Do you have any questions?”

Kili nods. “What about phones? It said on the website that I am not allowed to contact family in the first week?”

“You are allowed to,” George says. “This isn’t a prison. But we do recommend that for the first few days you don’t. Just to allow yourself to settle in and take a break from everything that is going on back home. If you think you find that hard you can leave your phone in a locker in reception. Is that alright?”

Kili nods again and gets to his feet, accepting the held out hand. “Thanks,” he nods and leaves the room. As he walks back to his room he thinks about the conversation. And although he hates to admit it, he actually quite liked George. Yes, he was asking a lot of personal questions, but he did it in a nice and interested way. He did not feel judged or even like he was being assessed. It was more just like a chat with someone who had a genuine interest in what he had to say.

Maybe this isn’t going to be so bad after all.

As he walks past reception he hesitates. He does not have to handover his phone. He can keep it and keep in touch with Thorin and Ori and Fili if he wants. But maybe George had a point. And he thinks it would actually be quite nice not to have to worry about any of them for a few days. To just be selfish and only worry about himself. He takes his phone out and sends a quick message to Thorin.

_Had my first sessions. Went okay I think. Miss you lots. Going to turn off my phone now. I will call you on Sunday. Love you lots XXXX_

He presses the send button and watches the screen turn black as he holds the power button. He walks up to the friendly receptionist. “Can I put my phone in one of the lockers here?” he asks.

“Sure,” the girl smiles widely at him and precedes him to a small room behind reception, where she shows him an empty locker and leaves him with the pin code.

As he walks back to his room he feels a sense of achievement. He knows it is only miniscule but for the first time in his life he feels he has been given a choice and has made the right decision.

 

 


	49. Mother

Thorin is sat on the leather sofa staring at the phone in his hand. He had barely slept a wink, tossing and turning between his worries over Kili and simply missing his partner’s warmth wrapped around him and fretting over what to do about his mother. He had already dialled the number trace code and scribbled down the phone number on a piece of paper. But after having dialled the number twice and then wiped it before he had pressed call he had gone to make himself a coffee to pull his nerves together.

He feels like a split personality as he thinks over what to do. On the one hand he wants to hear what his mother has to say after so many years. But equally he is unsure what good getting in contact with the woman who had abandoned him and Frerin to their abusive father can possibly do.

In the end Dwalin’s words churn around in his head. _What if this was the last opportunity to ever speak to his mother about this?_ And as he contemplates that question he has to admit to himself that he does want to speak to her. Not only to hear her story, but equally tell her a piece of his own mind. With a sigh of trepidation he presses the little green telephone symbol and with his heart thumping in his chest he listens to the ring as the line connects.

“Hello?” a soft voice answers after just two rings, which he instantly recognises as the woman who had left a message on his machine only yesterday. “Hello?” she repeats when Thorin does not immediately answer.

“H-hello,” he eventually manages to find his voice.

“Who is this?”

“Thorin.” He can hear the sharp intake of breath on the other end of the line and for a moment he thinks that the woman will end the call. “You left a message …” he adds, unsure where to go from here.

“Yes. I … I did,” the woman says softly. “I … How are you?”

Thorin bites his cheeks, unsure still whether he has done the right thing to ring his mother back. “I am very well thank you,” he decides on a neutral response. “And you?”

“Yes,” comes the soft response again.

When his mother does not say anything else, Thorin decides that they have exchanged enough niceties. “Why? Why did you phone? Why now?”

He can hear a sigh and a soft cough and he thinks again that she might put the phone down. But then she says so softly that it is barely more than a whisper, “He’s dead.”

Thorin stares at the phone in confusion. “Dead? Who?”

“Christopher...”

Thorin blinks, trying to place the name. Then it dawns on him. “The guy you left dad for?”

“Yes.”

Thorin sighs himself now as he begins to get frustrated with the torturously slow conversation. “I am sorry for your loss,” he says politely, gritting his teeth. _What do you think I care for your loss?!_ He feels his hand shake as he is close to ending the call himself. _This was a mistake._ “I don’t think this was a good idea.”

“No, wait!” his mother utters, suddenly sounding a little less like a frightened kitten. “Please. I … I want to explain. He … he beat me.”

Thorin hesitates, his thumb hovering over the end-call button. “He beat you,” he repeats softly, plainly, unable to process the information immediately.

“Yes,” he can hear his mother sob now. “I … I thought … First he was so nice. I was going to get you. You and Frerin, I promise. But … I was so scared, Thorin. I am so sorry.”

Thorin shakes his head, not following his mother’s disjointed words. “Just … slow down.” He takes a slow deep breath. “Where are you? Now, I mean. I don’t think we should have this conversation over the phone.”

He can hear the hesitation on the other end of the line. ”You cannot come here. Lee will be home later and he does not know about you yet.”

“Lee?”

“My … my son. My other son.”

 _A half-brother? He has a half-brother??_ Thorin can feel his knees begin to tremble as he takes in this new bit of information. “Okay,” he says breathlessly, feeling somehow more intrigued at what has been going on in his mother’s life and wanting to learn about this half-brother that he does not know anything about.  “How about a coffee shop? Is there something near you? Somewhere we could talk?”

“There’s a Costa. On the corner of Warwick Road.”

“I know it,” Thorin agrees. He looks at his watch. “I can be there in twenty minutes.”

“Okay.”

He suddenly has a horrible thought. “How ehm … how do I recognise you?”

“Thorin,” he can hear a change in the tone of the woman he is talking to. “You are my son. I would recognise you in a stadium full of people.”

He feels his heavy heart lift a little and cannot help smile a little. “Okay. I will see you there.”

***

His feet feel like they are set in concrete as he walks through the door of the coffee shop. He has not felt this nervous since … Probably since the day he first met Kili actually. And the thought of his sexy sweetheart puts a smile on his face as he fiddles with the silver bracelet that Kili had bought him.

His eyes scan the room, looking for an elderly woman on her own and he begins to wonder if his mother has even shown up or whether she has bailed out on her commitment again.

“Thorin?”

He spins round and almost tumbles backwards over his own feet as a ghost from the past smiles shyly up at him. He knows he is staring in a rather un-British fashion but he cannot help it. When he had first heard his mother’s voice on his answer machine he had tried so hard to recall her image from his memory. He remembered that she was a lot shorter than his father was, with long curly black hair. But he had struggled to recall any features. He had no photos of either of his parents. He had no desire to keep any of his father and Thrain had burnt anything that reminded him in the slightest of his _cheating bitch of a wife_ as he recalled his father shouting in another one of his drunken fits.

But as he looks at the elderly woman it is like someone has pulled open an old forgotten drawer and even if she had not approached him first he knows he would have instantly recognised her. “Mum …” he utters in a whisper.

The woman smiles wider, but shuffles nervously. He understands. How does one greet a son or a mother one has not seen for over two decades; a handshake, a kiss on the cheek, a warm embrace? None of those seem appropriate and to break the awkward silence he pulls out his wallet. “Can I buy you a coffee? Tea?”

“A tea please,” the dark haired woman nods gracefully. As she walks over to a little round table Thorin notes that her hair is still long and braided down her back, but the black is now streaked with silver. He places his order with the barista and looks at his phone whilst he waits for the drinks, both to avoid looking at his mother and in case Kili has responded to his message. He had of course received his lover’s message to say that he was turning off his phone, but he had half expected him to turn it back on again. But to his surprise - and he has to admit a little disappointment for himself - he has had no further reply to his last message saying that he hoped Kili had slept well and that he misses him lots.

 When his drinks are presented he carries them to the corner table, taking a seat opposite his mother.

"Thank you," the older lady smiles. "You look well. You're very handsome," she compliments her son.

Thorin smiles shyly. “Thank you. And how are you, mother?”

“Okay thank you,” his mother fiddles with her serviette. She looks at her son’s large hands, wrapped around his coffee mug. “No wedding ring?” she observes.

Thorin snorts. “Not anymore. I am divorced.”

“Oh. I am sorry.”

“Soon to be married again,” Thorin says, a little unsure whether he is ready to reveal this much about himself yet. But his mum beams as soon as he has said it.

“Oh, that is wonderful news! Congratulations! I am sure you will make her very happy.”

“Him,” Thorin quickly corrects her.

“Oh.”

“Is that a problem?” Thorin asks, knowing there is a very defensive edge to his tone and he watches his mother’s cheeks flush.

“No! Not at all!” To his surprise his mother grabs his hand, startling him. “Thorin, all I ever wanted was for you to be happy. If this guy makes you happy then I am happy too.”

“He does.”

“What is his name?”

Thorin hesitates, feeling uncomfortable talking about his boyfriend to this woman who is little more than a stranger. “Kili,” he says in the end. But he quickly steers the conversation away from the subject he does not want to discuss with his mother at this point. “So, we need to talk,” he sighs. “I need to know. Why did you phone? Why now? It has been twenty-four years!” He cannot help the frustration in his voice.

“I … I know,” the dark-haired woman lets go of his hand and lowers her gaze. “I was afraid. He said he would kill me if I ever contacted you again. That he would hurt you.”

“Your new man? The one you left dad for?” Thorin tries to understand the snippets of information he is given.

His mother nods and Thorin thinks suddenly how small and fragile she looks. As if she might break if someone spoke too loudly next to her.

“He beat you?”

“Yes,” she almost whispers, clearly embarrassed.

“Oh mum,” Thorin sighs, reaching out and taking her thin hands in his own large ones. “Why didn’t you leave him?” He already knows the answer. _Because it is not that easy when you are in an abusive relationship._

“I … I tried,” his mother says softly. “I went to one of those places once, you know, like these safe houses. It was when Lee was still a toddler and he had threatened to break his arm after he had pulled a plate off the dining table. It was just an accident. But …” He can see the shame and the tears in his mother’s, “... he said he was sorry. He … he always said he was sorry. That is was the stress of his ex-wife. Of losing his job. He promised he would change. And … and then he said he would kill himself. If I did not come back.” Thorin feels his heart break as his mother looks up at him, tears brimming in her bright blue eyes. “I know it was stupid. But I could not let him kill himself. I felt responsible. How stupid is that, right? But he was my boy’s father …” Her voice is taken by a sob that comes from deep inside her throat. “Oh Thorin, I am so sorry, I was so stupid.”

“No,” Thorin says softly, rubbing his thumb over his mother’s hand. “If I had known … I am sorry.” He feels sick thinking about his mother’s life, having left one abusive relationship for another. It is one of those stories that you hear on the news, but then forget about within five minutes. And he cannot help but think about Kili, how he continued to fall into the same traps, the same downwards spiral. It seems to be that once someone accepts their position as victim it becomes almost impossible to take on a different role in life.

“You must not be sorry,” his mother says sternly and in that moment he can see himself reflected in his mother. That underneath her frail exterior, battered into a shell over the years, there is a strong and proud woman. Hell, she would have had to have been to survive two such violent relationships overs the years.

An awkward silence passes between them as they each sip their drinks.

"How is Frerin?"

Thorin looks up in shock, temporarily mute. "H-he is dead," he says softly. "Did you not know?"

He watches his mother gasp. "Dead?"

"Mum," Thorin says carefully, "Frerin has been dead for almost twenty-three years. He committed suicide, " he explains softly, watching the little bit of colour drain from his mother's face as she clasps her hands in front of her mouth. “I’m so sorry …” Thorin says, unsure what else to say or do.

He helplessly watches as his mother begins the sob softly. Just as he moves his hand forward to try and offer some form of comforting touch, his mother utters a sobbed, “It’s my fault.”

Thorin grabs her forearm. “No,” he says sternly. “Mum, don’t. Please.”

She looks up at him through teary eyes. “But it is! I should have been there for him. For you. I should have protected you.”

Thorin bites his cheek. In a way he agrees with his mother. Surely it is the first duty of a mother to protect her children? And she had left them with a man she knew was a violent drunk. And she sure had paid a heavy price for her decision. But he shakes his head. “What is past is past,” he says softly. “Hindsight is a wonderful thing and of course it has upset me that you left us with Thrain, knowing what he was like,” he says honestly. “But I have never held you responsible for Frerin’s death. I spent years blaming myself.” His mum frowns at him and he elaborates a little. “I was the one who found him. I kept thinking if only I had been more vigilant. If only I had seen better what was happening to him. If only I had been there a few minutes sooner. But mum,” he moves his hand to hers and squeezes it, ”the only person to blame is Frerin. It was his choice to go down that road and not talk to me or his teachers or seek some other form of help.”

He can see his mother wants to argue, but he squeezes her hand again. “It has taken me a very long time and lots of help from a friend who is a psychologist  to accept that statement, mum. But it is true. Of course I blame Thrain for what happened. I blame him for a lot. But ultimately we make our own choices.”

He feels his mother squeeze his hand back. “You are so grown up,” she smiles through her tears.

They take another sip of their drinks, each contemplating what they have shared.

“Tell me about Lee,” Thorin eventually tries to steer the conversation onto a happier path. “I cannot believe I have a half-brother I did not know about!”

His mother smiles. “You will like him. He is twenty one this year, still lives at home though.” She sighs and Thorin can see that flicker of self-blame in her eyes again. “He did not want to move out and leave me with his dad. I hope he can find a place of his own now, stretch his wings.”

“You said he doesn’t know about me …”

“Not yet,” his mum shakes her head. “I was not sure if you wanted any contact. I did not want to tell him about you in case you didn’t.”

“And if I do? Want contact that is. Will you tell him?”

“Oh yes! I would so want him to know you, Thorin.” She grabs his hand in both her own. “I want to know you, my baby, I do. I have lost so many years. I know I can never make up for those. But …” her words die in her thick throat as emotions threaten to overwhelm her.

“Do you have a picture? Of Lee?” Thorin asks, curious after his much younger half-sibling now.

Amata nods and takes out her purse. “It’s about a year old,” she almost apologises as she hands him a passport size picture. Thorin looks at the face of a young man with half-long blond hair and blue eyes and he is startled how much the guy looks like an older version of Frerin. His mother has clearly picked up on his reaction as she strokes the back of his hand. “I know,” she says softly. “He’s just like Frerin, in character as much as looks.”

Thorin nods, trying to swallow the lump in his throat as he hands the picture back.

“Do you have a picture of your fiancé?” his mother asks much to his surprise.

“Yes,” Thorin smiles and he takes out his phone and scrolls through his gallery until he finds a picture of Kili that he had taken when they had been away on their weekend in Hay-on-Wye. He hands the phone to his mother.

“Oh he’s cute!” she beams back at him. “Gorgeous eyes!”

Thorin can feels his cheeks glow softly as he smiles back proudly. “He is,” he chuckles. “And he knows it.”

“How did you meet?”

At that Thorin jolts and he stuff his phone back in his pocket, his heart racing. “We ehm … In a bar. A local bar,” he mutters.

“That’s nice. He looks quite a bit younger am I right?”

“Yes, he has just turned thirty,” Thorin admits.

“I would really like to meet him,” his mother says kindly. “If … if you wanted me to of course.”

Thorin bites his lip. “He is abroad at the moment,” he says, suddenly grateful that he has a genuine excuse not to introduce his mother and Kili yet. He needs to speak to his fiance first, feeling torn between wanting to tell his mother the truth about him, but equally not wanting to talk about his sweetheart behind his back, especially to his future mother-in-law. He feels Amata could really like Kili and he does not want to ruin that with everything that had happened, even though those things make Kili what he is.

“Oh for work?” his mother asks with interest and Thorin suddenly feels cornered.

“Yeah,” he answers whilst he pointedly looks at his watch. “I am so sorry, but I have to go, I am in between jobs at the moment and I have an appointment with someone this afternoon, which hopefully will give me a job lead.”

“Of course, I am sorry to have kept you.”

Thorin raises an eyebrow. “Mum, it has been nice to meet with you,” he says genuinely. “I … I wish it had not been so long. But I would like to get to know better. And Lee.”

They both get to their feet and Thorin steps forward and takes his mother into a brief embrace.

“Thank you,” she smiles. “Thank you for not hating me and giving me a chance to get to know you too. I will speak to Lee.”

“Maybe you can come over to my place some time. Or I can come over to yours. Whichever is easier. You have my number. Oh, I will give you my mobile too,” he says and writes it down on a piece of paper, which he hands to his mother. “Look after yourself,” he says, brushing her arm.

“And you, sweetheart,” his mother smiles back at him.

As he leaves the little coffee shop he pulls his phone back out of his pocket and begins to type a Whatsapp message to Kili, only to remember he does not have his phone on at the moment. _Damn!_ If there was ever a time he desperately wanted to speak to Kili it was now. Disappointed he puts his phone away again and walks up to his car, feeling such an overwhelming mix of emotions that it takes him a little while to get himself under control enough before he starts the engine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that I have done this chapter justice. I did a lot of research into domestic violence and why people stay in such a relationship and have read alot about it historically, so I hope it comes across believable.


	50. Sleep Deprivation

_Hey sexy! Hope you haven't forgotten about me yet! Miss you so much xxxxx_

Thorin blinks at the message and suddenly is wide awake. Shadow jumps off the bed as he shoots bolt upright.

_Kili! You have your phone back! I miss you so so much too. How is it going? Love you! Xxx_

Kili smiles softly at the message. He's just getting ready for his daily meeting with George and he wraps a hairband around his ponytail.

_Gotta go now, but just thought I'd let you know I'm still alive. Give Shadow cuddles from me! I will give you a call tonight at around seven. Love you lots xxxx_

It is Saturday morning and although he's been here less than a week it already feels like a lifetime. The first couple of days had been fairly easy with just a lot of general chit chat. And he'd foolishly agreed to complete abstinence from everything other than tobacco, which George had said was by far the preferred way and since Kili didn't take heroin or cocaine it was something that he could achieve without any substitutes, which is what they would try in the first instance. Yet by Wednesday evening he felt like his soul was being dissected and he was gagging for a spliff just to settle his nerves, especially when the night sweats and terrors had started again.

"Good morning Kili," George smiles way too brightly at him again as he does every morning. Just looking at his bright spirit first thing in the morning is giving Kili a headache. "How are you today?"

"Pretty shit actually," Kili answers honestly as he plonks himself down. "I feel like I haven't slept for like a month!"

"You are having trouble sleeping?"

Kili nods. "I feel wired even though I haven't touched anything other than my fags."

George scribbles something in Kili's notes and then looks at him again. "Have you had trouble sleeping before?"

"Yeah when Thorin tried to make me go cold turkey before. It's the sweating that's driving me insane," he admits. "Keep waking up drenched in sweat. It's disgusting."

"I understand that it must be uncomfortable. But it's quite common at this stage of your treatment. It's your body trying to rid itself off the toxins."

Kili sighs in frustration. "Well can't it just hurry and get a move on? Isn't there like some sleeping tablets you can give me or something?" he growls moodily.

But George shakes his head. "I would not want to replace one drug with another. That would not be helpful."

"I just want to fucking sleep!!" Kili snaps. "Just kill me now," he grumbles.

George raises a concerned eyebrow. "Do you feel suicidal?" he asks carefully.

"Oh fuck," Kili groans. "It was just a matter of speaking, Jesus! No I don't feel suicidal."

"Have you in the past? Have you ever tried to harm yourself?"

Kili narrows his eyes at the young man opposite him and purses his lips together.

When Kili doesn't answer, George prompts, "You were taken to hospital with a drug overdose earlier this year."

"Oh for fuck's sake! It was an accident!" Kili snaps. "I didn't want to fucking kill myself. If I did I sure wouldn't do it that way!"

"Kili, tell me honestly," George drops the stand offish approach as he looks at his client. "Have you ever thought about harming yourself? I just want to make sure you're safe and that we give you the right help."

Kili stares at his hands, seeing the marks of his fingernails there. "It's not like I have a knife hidden under my bed," he mocks. He looks to George who seems to be patiently waiting for him to continue. _Don't say anything!_ Kili tries to tell himself. But when George also continues his silence he finds he cannot bear this sitting and staring at each other any longer. "Are you gonna lock me up if I tell you?" he asks with a sneer, but there's a hint of genuine worry behind the casual joke.

"No, but if there were concerns over your personal safety I want to ensure we've put the appropriate support in place for you," George says calmly, trying to throw Kili a reassuring smile.

Kili snorts. _Whatever._ "I'm not gonna kill myself," he sneers. "So you can stop worrying about any negligence claims."

George looks up and considers Kili for a moment. "Kili, why are you so hostile towards people who want to help you?" he asks.

Kili glares back, unsure where this question is going but fairly sure it's an insult. "I'm not hostile!" he growls.

Raising a questioning eyebrow, George tries a different angle. "Okay, perhaps more of a distrust then? You seem to think that I have an ulterior motive to asking you these questions than wanting to help you?"

"Of course you have an ulterior motive!" Kili laughs mockingly. "Your paycheque at the end of the month is your motive!"

"Is that what you think, Kili?" George asks not unkindly. "That the only reason I'm sat here is to get paid and that I have no real interest in your well-being?"

"Well, have you?" Kili bounces back.

"Yes. As a matter of fact I have. Yes it's a job, but I could have picked other jobs that were better paid and less stressful. But I didn't. I choose this job because I want to help people like yourself."

"Why? What is it to you whether I jump in front of a train tomorrow or smoke myself stupid? It's got nothing to do with you!"

"I would feel awful if that happened."

"Don't lie!" Kili snarls. "You'd think about it for a few minutes and then the next patient will be standing at your door and you'll have forgotten all about me."

"That isn't true. But even if it was, what about the other people in your life? How would they feel if you harmed yourself? They can't all have an ulterior motive for wanting to see you get help?"

Kili narrows his eyes at his therapist. "Everyone has an ulterior motive," he sneers.

“What about Thorin?” George cocks his head. “He wanted you to come here. What is his motive?”

Kili shrugs, staring hard at the floor. “I dunno. He wants me to stop being a twat.” _Because he loves me. He really loves me._ “Alright, you win,” he snarls. “So what’s next?” he quickly tries to move the conversation on.

George checks through Kili’s notes. _I don’t think he poses a risk to himself_ , he notes. _Although there may be minor self-harming tendencies_. “How did your sessions with Annie go? Do you think CBT is something that you will be able to apply? That you might find helpful?”

Kili thinks back to his sessions with the curly haired woman. At first they had seemed just the usual psychology crap that some remote scientist someone had developed without actually having any idea what the subjects of his studies were going through. But after the second session he had actually found himself catching his negative thoughts on occasions and trying to understand better why he was thinking these thoughts. “Yeah,” he nods slowly. “I think so.”

“Good,” George smiles.

“Now, the last thing for today, Kili,” he promises. “When we first spoke on Monday you said that one of the things you wanted to get out of your time with us here was to work out what you wanted from life. Now that is a very big question that a lot of people struggle with. I am going to give you a more achievable task. I would like us to discuss every morning what you want not from life, but from today. Something you would like to achieve; it can be anything. For example something like I would like to feel less anxious. Or I would like to learn to control my temper better. Or maybe even I want to deal with this particular memory I have that still upsets me. Just one thing you would like to achieve that day. And every evening I want you to look back on your goal and assess how well you think you did against your objective. Is that something you can do?”

Kili thinks about this and nods again. “Yes.”

“Is there something you can think of for today? What would you like to achieve today?”

Kili looks at his fingers as he picks at his nails, contemplating the question. “I ehm … I would like to feel like I am not a complete failure,” he says softly. “At everything I do.”

George looks at Kili, noting his change in body language as he has gone from defensive, almost aggressive to this hunched, fragile human who looks like he feels he takes up too much space on this earth. “How about we phrase it like this,” he smiles kindly. “I would like to improve my self-esteem?”

Kili nods. “Yeah.”

“Good. When you see your therapists today, tell them that that is your goal for today. And we will discuss tomorrow how it went. Is that okay with you?”

“Yes,” Kili says softly. “Thanks, George,” he says genuinely.

+++

“Thorin! So good to see you!” Lyn smiles happily as she opens the door and kisses  her soon to be brother-in-law happily on both his cheeks. “Fili has just popped out to Tesco to get some groceries and I was about to go for a stroll with Flick. Do you fancy coming with us?”

“Sure,” Thorin smiles as he watches Lyn haul the pram outside. “Do you need a hand at all?”

“Nah,” Lyn kindly waves the offer away. “I am beginning to get used to it now. Even though I do still feel like I am getting ready for the next mission to the North pole every time I try and leave the house for two minutes. Unbelievable how much stuff you need to carry around with a baby!” Lyn adjusts the little cotton blanket over the baby girl as she simultaneously looks for her keys. “I swear my brain has turned to mush, I cannot remember where I have put anything!” she sighs. “Then again, I also feel like I have not slept for a month!”

Thorin smiles up at her and then hunches down in front of the pram. “Hello little Flick,” he coos to the girl who is beaming back at him with her huge dark eyes.

“My dad came round the other day and she started screaming the minute she saw him,” Lyn continues to chatter away as she has found her keys and locks the front door. “And would not stop again until he was gone. I swear it was his bald head that freaked her out!” she laughs then smiles at Thorin. “She likes you though.”

Thorin stretches his legs and joins Lyn in step as they slowly stroll around the estate.

“So have you heard from Kili?” Lyn asks as she adjusts the blanket that Flick keeps kicking off again.

“Yes I did this morning,” Thorin smiles. “Just a brief text to say he was okay. But he said he is ringing me tonight.”

“Oh good. You think he is getting on okay then?”

“I think so,” Thorin nods. _Well, he hasn’t run off yet, so that has got to be a good thing!_ “So how are things with you?”

“Good. Hectic. Suffering complete sleep deprivation,” Lyn chuckles. “Honestly, I never knew it was possible to have so little sleep and somehow still be standing." She looks at Thorin, knowing she must look how she feels, but it doesn’t matter. “Fili has been great though. Bless him, he has gone back to work now and yet he is still helping out with the night shifts too.”

Thorin beams at her. “You are both very blessed with your beautiful daughter.”

“That we are! I just cannot wait for her to start sleeping through. Oh, but her echocardiogram was all clear!” she remembers the good news. “She will still need regular checks throughout the first eighteen months but it really is a big relief.”

“That is great. I am so happy for you,” Thorin answers, feeling rather awkward in his complete lack of knowledge about babies - any babies! He can talk for hours about stock markets or even rock bands, but here he really finds himself completely dumb. “Have you heard any more from your mother-in-law?” he tries to ask casually.

When Lyn lets out a long sigh he knows that whatever the answer it is not good news. “She came by when Felicity was a week old,” she says softly. “I had stupidly hoped that maybe I had misjudged her that day in the hospital. After all I was kind of out of it and I thought, hey, let’s just start with a clean slate.”

Thorin looks at Fili’s dark-haired wife when she does not immediately continue. “I take it it did not go well,” he says sympathetically.

“Well, she held her. I guess that was something. It was not exactly like how my parents are with her, but we cannot all be the same and even then I thought maybe I was just being unfair towards her. But then she asked me and Fee if we had known about Flick’s condition before her birth and when we said we had she actually asked us outright why we hadn’t terminated the pregnancy …” She feels her anger constricting her throat as she wants to scream at the memory alone.

Thorin actually trips over in shock and when he looks back at Lyn he can see the anger flaming in her eyes. “That outrageous woman!” he spits in equal anger. “I … How … I honestly have no words!”

“You and me both,” Lyn bites her lip as she finds her knuckles have gone white as she grabs the pram so hard. “I mean, I am sure there’s plenty of people who think it, I am not stupid. But to actually say it! And she’s her granddaughter! I mean, look at her!”

“Lyn,” Thorin says, as he puts an arm around her in comfort, “she is beautiful. She really is. The most precious gift and you should be so proud.” And he leans in and brushes his hand across the baby’s super soft cheeks, making her gurgle in response. “What did Fili say?” he asks carefully.

“Pretty much told her to pack her bags and leave. To be fair it was the first time I have seen him actually tell his mother she was out of order. I have put up with a lot of crap from that woman over the years but this was just the drop.”

Thorin nods, thinking about his own mother. He had spoken to her once on the phone after their face to face meeting, when she had told him that she had spoken to Lee about his half-brother and that he was nervous but excited to meet him. And he finds himself wondering what sort of a grandmother she would be; certainly a better one than Kili’s mother he decides.

"How's the wedding planning going?" Lyn asks, not wanting to waste too much breath on her mother-in-law.

"Not very well," Thorin admits. "Guess I didn't quite realise how much is involved in planning just one day," he cringes. He looks to his future sister-in-law with desperation  written and across his face. "Help," he whimpers.

Lyn begins to laugh and grabs Thorin's hand.  "Oh bless your heart. Course I'll help. When we get back I'll put the kettle on and we'll start to make a list."

"I just want it to be perfect for Kili," Thorin sighs. " And I also sort of promised my PA he could help plan the wedding. But I've just realised how much there is to do and how little time we have left." _He's not usually this casual and unprepared, but he'd really not considered quite how much was involved in a wedding._

"I thought you'd been married before?" Lyn raises an eyebrow. When she sees Thorin's flushed and guilty face she laughs out loud. "Oh you're such a bloke! You let your ex do it all didn't you? Thorin! You should be ashamed of yourself!"

"She wanted to!" Thorin feebly tries to defend himself. "She more or less told me to stay out of it."

"Don't even give me your excuses," Lyn says sternly. "And you're not going to get out of it this time." She unlocks the front door, wrestling the pram back inside. "Would you like a cup of tea?"

"If you show me where everything is I'll make it," Thorin offers. "You have  your hands full."

Lyn nods gratefully. "Thanks. "

"Would you like cuddles?" Lyn asks once Thorin is sat on the sofa and she holds her daughter out to him.

Thorin carefully accepts the precious cargo and cradles the baby girl in the hollow of his arm. "Hello gorgeous!" he coos, gently tickling the girl's tummy with his large hands that could completely envelop her tiny frame.

“She looks so content with you,” Lyn beams then looks up as they hear the front door open. “Hello, honey!” she smiles at Fili as she jumps to her feet to offer to take one of the bags.

“Hi gorgeous,” Fili smiles and sees Thorin. “Oh hello, Thorin. That’s nice of you to drop by. I see you got lumbered with the fatty already,” he grins, shaking hands with his brother in law to be.

“She’s lovely,” Thorin beams back. “How are you?”

“Okay. Tired. But I am sure that Lyn has already bored you with stories of endless diapers, sleepless night and getting milk all down my shirt two minutes before I have to leave for the office.” He sits on the sofa opposite and takes off his shoes. “Have you heard from Kili at all? I sent him a text but I have not heard back …”

“He was advised not to have his phone on during the first week of his treatment,” Thorin explains. “He wasn’t ignoring you. But I got a text from him this morning and he is ringing me later. I think he is doing okay so far.”

“Good, I am glad,” Fili smiles. “I really hope it will help him. I am out of ideas otherwise.”

“Let’s just think positively,” Thorin says, not unkindly but he doesn’t want to already assume that this might not work.

“Sure,” Fili nods.

“Thorin is going to need some help with wedding planning!” Lyn chips in enthusiastically as she hands her husband a cup of tea and offers to take Flick back off Thorin as she is beginning to fidget.

“Alright,” Fili smiles. “Have you booked the venue yet?”

Thorin feels himself flush as he shakes his head.

“He is in the poop,” Lyn grins as she sits herself down. “So how much are you looking to spend in all?”

“Money is not an issue,” Thorin says, but then has a change of heart. “But I don’t want it to just become a flash the cash sort of event. It needs to be just about me and Kili and our friends and family. Something romantic.”

“Church?”

“No,” both Thorin and Fili say simultaneously. Fili laughs, “Kili won’t want a church wedding,” he explains his interruption.

“No, neither do I,” Thorin says.

“Oh, I know somewhere. Fee, get the laptop up and running and I’ll show Thorin.”

+++

“Thorin!” Kili lies on his bed in his private room and finds himself grinning as he hears his lover’s deep voice. “Damn, I have missed you!”

“Oh sweetheart, you have no idea how much I have missed you too! It is so good to hear you voice again. How are you?”

“Aye great,” Kili jests. “I am almost Scottish now, does that mean I can come home now, laddie?” he jokes in a thick Scottish accent.

Thorin laughs. “But seriously, Kee, is it going okay? Are you finding it useful?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Kili admits. “Some of it is totally out there, but my personal therapist is actually a nice guy. He does get on my tits with all his questions, but he’s better than that other bloke was. And I am doing this CBT thing. It sounds sort of weird, but some of it actually works.”

“Like what, sweetpea?” Thorin asks as he keys in CBT in Google on his tablet. ‘ _Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a psychotherapeutic_ _approach that addresses dysfunctional emotions, maladaptive behaviors and cognitive processes and contents through a number of  goal-oriented_ _, explicit systematic procedures. Most therapists working with patients dealing with anxiety_ _and depression_ _use a blend of cognitive and behavioral therapy. This technique acknowledges that there may be behaviors that cannot be controlled through rational thought’_ , he reads on wikipedia. _Okay, sounds kind of interesting._

“Ehm, like when I feel really anxious I imagine that the thing I am getting worked up over is on a piece of paper and I set fire to it and my anxiety goes away with the smoke.” He feels himself blush. “It sounds stupid, right?” he says, feeling embarrassed.

“Not at all. And if it helps you then it is not stupid at all,” Thorin encourages.

“Thanks,” KIli feels a little relieved to find that Thorin is not laughing his head off at him. “So anyway, how have you been sexy? Missing me lots?”

“I am,” Thorin replies. “Especially when I could not even text you I … I need to tell you something.”

Kili can feel the colour drain from his face and his blood turn to ice. _He’s met someone! He is going to break up with me! Fuck, he’s ending it!_ “Oh. Okay,” he says trying to sound breezy but knowing he is failing miserably.

“My mum phoned,” Thorin says and waits for Kili to reply as he is unsure what to say next.

Kili blinks. Did he hear that right? “Your mum?” he repeats, to make sure.

“Yes.”

“Why? I mean …”

“No, it’s okay, I asked the same thing. It’s a long story …”

“That’s okay, I am not going anywhere,” Kili says as he can hear the emotions in his lover’s voice. _And I can listen to your sexy voice for hours, you could read out the dictionary to me and I’d be happy_ , he thinks to himself.

And so Thorin begins to narrate about the phonecall and the meeting with his long-lost mother, which Kili allows him to do uninterrupted.

“Wow,” Kili utters when his lover has told him everything. “How do you feel about it now? Do you want to see your half-brother?”

“Yes, I think I do,” Thorin answers, relieved to have finally been able to tell Kili about it. “What do you think?”

“It’s your call, baby,” Kili replies. “Whatever you do, I will support you. Your mum sounds like she has had a pretty crap time of it. Sounds like she did not mean to abandon you and your brother. Still, it is not going to be easy to get over such a long time ...  But if it were me …”

“If it were you?” Thorin asks when Kili does not continue.

Kili takes a deep breath, fiddling with his long hair. “If it were me I would be grateful to have a parent who cared.”

“I showed her a picture of you,” Thorin smiles at the memory. “She thought you were handsome.”

“I am,” Kili retorts in his usual manner, but he feels himself smile. “So … you think she would accept me. Us?”

“Yes, I think she will. I would really love for her to meet you.”

“Does she know? About … like where I am?” Kili asks nervously. _Shit, she must think I am a right loser! Who would want a guy like me as their son-in-law?!_

“No. I have told her you are abroad at the moment, but not why. I wanted to talk to you first. I am happy to be honest about it, if that is what you want, but …”

“I don’t know. Maybe … maybe not. Not yet. I would sort of like for her and Lee to get to know me first. You know, before they already have an opinion of me …”

“That is why I have not yet said anything. Then that is what we will do, my lovely one. I am sure she will love you. Now, I also need to talk to you about our wedding. I got a right telling off from Lyn that we have not booked anything yet. I have found somewhere that is available. If you have your tablet there and I can show you?”

“Book it.”

“Pardon?”

“If you love it, book it, my lovely. I would love for you to surprise me.”

“Are you sure? This is our day. Don’t you want to plan it together?”

“I do, but not across the internet. And I am going to be stuck here for another five weeks which will leave us no time.”

“Kili, I … We can postpone …”

“No! Please, sexy, I need to do this. But I need to put all my effort into this. If my brother and Lyn can help … Surprise me.”

“If you’re sure …”

“Yes. I know you will make it amazing! And it will be so romantic.” Then he has a thought. “There is one thing I would like …”

“Sure, anything my flower.”

“I want an amazing wedding night in a four poster bed!” Kili grins.

“I promise you will have both,” Thorin smiles. “The most amazing wedding night for my amazing prince.”

“Can’t wait, sexy. Love you, babe. Thank you for making me do this.”

“I am not making you …” Thorin frowns.

“I know,” Kili quickly interrupt. “But you kind of are though. Only in that if it wasn't for you … Well, I would probably be dead by now. You are the first person ever to have told me I fucked up without throwing me away. Your support and your belief in me is so important and these people here are really making me see that. Thank you, Thorin. I mean it.”

“No need. I just want you to the happy and healthy. Oh, you will be pleased to know I got myself a new job too,” he remembers at the last minute. “It’s a freelance job, just something to keep me occupied for a while.”

“Yay, I am happy to hear that. I was beginning to worry about you.”

Thorin chuckles. “I am fine. I have Shadow to look after me. And your brother and Lyn and Dwalin and now my mum. My God, I have more people making sure I am alright and cooking dinner for me than I ever have!”

“You won’t need me to come back then,” Kili jests but with a hint of truthful worry in it.

“Don’t you dare!” Thorin reprimands him. “For a start none of these people look after the cat and you promised me you would.”

Kili can find himself laugh at that. “True. Alright, I will be back. I guess I had best go to sleep now. They have a strict regime here and I need to be up at six tomorrow. How ridiculous is that?! Night night my supersexy lover. Love you loads!”

“Night night, my lovely flower,” Thorin chuckles. “Love you so much and miss you lots too. I promise you our wedding day will be the most amazing day ever!”

“It had better be,” Kili laughs and with a goodbye kiss terminates the call.

He pulls out his notebook and flicks back to the sentence he had written down this morning. _I would like to improve my self-esteem._

He thinks about this for a moment before he puts his pen to paper, about how the first thing that had come into his mind when Thorin had said he had something to tell him was that he was going to dump him. _Still more work to do,_ he thinks. _Goal for tomorrow - learn to not always expect the worst._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NB. With regards to the termination of pregnancy upon a positive Down's test, I am very much of the opinion that this has to be the personal decision of the parents and I have no opinion as to which is right.


	51. Regression Therapy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taking you deep into the darkness of Kili's past - be warned!

He looks at his watch. Seven pm. His first client will be at the club in an hour. Reluctantly Kili drags himself out of bed and into the tiny shower. The luke warm water is a cruel wake up call as he stands shivering, soaping his body vigorously with the luxuriously fragranced shower gel and he smirks at how ridiculous it is that he spends more on his toiletries than anything else other than drugs.

As he moves his fingers to his butt he flinches. Whatever happened last night had taken its toll on his sensitive parts and he can feel the little tears in his rectum open back up as he cleans himself out with his fingers. _Well they never see this unflattering side of the job_ , he smirks as he rinses his fingers and unceremoniously prods them back into his arse covered in some nice smelling lube. _Never leave it up to the client!_ That is a rule he learnt a long time ago. The pimps tell you it because a rent boy should take care of his client not the other way around. But the boys themselves know there is a far more selfish reason behind the ample preparation they give themselves.

He turns off the shower and begins to rub his body dry with a coarse frayed towel that was once white but is now a sickly grey.

When he walks into the living room, the little towel slung casually around his waist, the smell of stale beer and cigarettes hits him and makes him feel nauseated. He quickly picks up the cans and chucks them into a bin bag, before opening the bay window.

He sits cross legged on the window sill smoking his spliff as he watches the streets below. It's not such a bad area,especially compared to where he's come from. Here the prostitutes mingle more easily with students and single mums. And at least the council attempts to keep the streets clean and safe.

"Fuck it's cold!"

Kili looks up and finds his flat mate standing naked in the room.

"It wouldn't be if you put on some clothes," he smirks.

"It's January! Why are you sat with the window open?" Ori grumbles as he picks up a woolly jumper from the sofa and pulls it over his head.

"I like the fresh air," Kili shrugs as he gets to his feet. "Coffee?"

"Fresh air? In Birmingham?" Ori snorts.

Kili walks into the kitchen and turns on the kettle. He begins to rummage through the cupboards and the fridge for something to eat, coming up with a loaf of bread, some scrapes of butter and some marmite. "Toast?" he calls out to his friend.

"Yes please! And coffee!" Ori calls back

"Got many tonight?" Kili asks as hands the redhead a black coffee with the sugars.

Ori shakes his head. "Only one booking. But Thranduil wants me to strip. He said he expects a busy night."

Kili nods. The club was really doing well and most nights were busy enough to keep everyone on rota busy a couple of times over at least. He shifts at the thought of anal tonight though and hopes Balin will do well to sell his oral talents instead.

"You okay, honey?" Ori asks, cocking his head as he lights his cigarette. "Sore are you?"

"A little," Kili shrugs. "Nothing I can't handle." And he begins to butter the toast.

Ori wraps his arms around his friend and cuddles up against him. "Don't like to see you hurt. Wish I could take care of you," he says softly.

"Aaw, baby, you do," Kili chuckles, gently prying lose his fingers. He knows full well the redhead has an interest in him and he also knows he's not been exactly clear rejecting his advances, but he's not interested in him like that. "Why don't you get dressed and then we'll walk to the club together, hm?"

"Alright," Ori smiles sadly, knowing its Kili's way of telling him he's not interested.

Kili stares after the redhead as he disappears into his room. _Why don't I?  He's a nice guy. It's not like I'm ever going to find someone else. Who in their right mind wants to be with a guy like me, someone who pretty much this entire deprived city had had a go with now? I have nothing to offer anyone. I'm a disposable commodity and always have been._

+++

"Kili, client!"

Kili sighs as he hastily finishes cleaning himself. _I can't do this anymore!_ He thinks desperately. Tonight had been relentless, his third client in a row. He is beginning to think Sauron is punishing him for calling in sick for a couple of days last week. _Well he's a fucking dickhead if he thinks I was pulling a fast one!_ he frowns angrily to himself. Sick meant no work which meant no pay which meant having to dig into his savings which he hated doing because every penny he took out of that meager pot put him back further away from getting his own place. He hated living here, sleeping in the same bed in which he worked, never quite able to lose the smell of sweat and sex, which haunted his dreams. He had been very sick. So sick he had actually gone to the clinic to get himself checked over, which had been one of the worst experiences - having to wait to hear if he just had a virus or had finally picked up something nasty from a client. He was always safe, but there was still a risk - there was always a risk. He'd never felt more relieved than when the nurse had told him he'd probably just picked up a tummy bug and would be okay with a few days rest. _Bastard should be glad that I had the decency to get myself checked over! Wouldn't do his business much good if I went on spreading Hep C or what not!_

When he finds his next customer in the small reception room he lets out a sigh of relief as he finds it's one of his regulars. "Mr Brown," he smiles sweetly. The older man was a complete odd ball - crazy as a cuckoo some would say - but he was kind, usually gave good tip and preferred oral which Kili found a relief as he was bloody good at that and could make a fairly quick and easy job of it. "Would you like to follow me?"

When he's closed the door behind the elderly man he throws him a seductive smile. "What can I do for you today, sexy?" he purrs as he runs his finger down the man's shirt. _Please say blow job, please, I'm too tired for more._

"You look tired, Kili," his client observes. "Are you alright?"

Kili looks at the man in surprise. _Why is he asking me if I'm alright? Has Sauron set him up to this? Don't be ridiculous, he's just being kind!_ "I ehm... " he says hesitantly.

"If you're too tired,  Kili,  then... "

"No!" he answers quickly. _Shit, if my pimp hears that I've lost another client because I'm tired I'm dead!_ Besides he really can't afford to lose a well tipping client tonight. "I am fine really, handsome. Let's have some fun," he winks at he gets onto his knees to make his offer clear.

"Kili, get up, " the grey haired man says, but not unkindly. "It's fine, I'll pay you. Let's just talk. I just like your company, we don't need to have sex if you're not in the mood."

Kili wants to snap that he never has sex because he's _in the mood_ , only in order to stay alive and feed his habit, but he manages to keep his gob shut, before he wipes the offer off the table. "If you're sure, sir. What would you like to talk about?" He's been there before. Some clients like Mr Brown are just lonely, just want company from an attractive young man with or without the sexual contact.

"Why are you here, Kili? You are handsome and clever. Why this place?"

Kili raises an eyebrow. _That's an odd question for someone who's a client here!_ "Ehm, I need to eat," he says honestly, feeling a little caught off guard.

Mr Brown nods and seems to contemplate this for a moment. "This is not a nice place, Kili," he suddenly says. "There's a club on the other side of town, an exclusive gay club, with a good reputation. I know the owner. I can put you in touch with him if you'd like."

"Why?" Kili asks suspiciously before he's had a chance to think his response through.

The elderly man shrugs. "I hear he pays well. You can do better than this place. You want to save up for your own flat don't you?"

Kili is surprised the elderly man remembers he'd said that to him once before. "Yes... Why do you want to help me though?"

"I like you," his client smiles shyly. "I'd like to see you do better. I know it's not much, but... "

"Thank you," Kili smiles, flabbergasted that anyone cared for him at all and grateful for the prospect of a better offer. "I really appreciate it."

+++

He's vaguely aware of the man huffing and puffing on top of him, but Mary Jane had been good to him as always and in her arms he can block out reality and feel himself floating on a great expanse of multicolored petals rather than be pounded into the dirty mattress. He closes his eyes, giving in to the feeling of weightlessness. He knows his throat is still uttering little noises of pretend pleasure at regular intervals. But the rest of him is in a place far away from the slightly overweight married man who is currently squealing like a pig. _I hope that means he's done,_ Kili thinks and waits for the weight to shift off him. He manages to have the clarity of mind to demand the condom. No funny business! It wouldn't be the first time some sick bastard would comply with his strict rule of no Johnny no sex to then try and artificially inseminate him with the contents. "That was amazing, sexy," he grins compliantly as he watches the guy get dressed through hooded eyelids. _Do these fuckers really believe that when I say that or do they know it's just a game?_

The moment the client has left his room he sparks up another smoke. He slumps back on the bed, naked, drawing on the spliff as if it's oxygen. The smell in the room is making him feel queasy and he throws open the window, shivering as the cool breeze wraps around his bare skin.

Today is his twenty-first birthday.

How do guys normally spent their coming of age? Getting drunk with friends? Going to the movies with a pretty girlfriend? Maybe even getting pampered by mum and dad and eating cake until you felt sick. He begins to laugh softly. _Well I got to spend it with a fat bloke's salami up my arse. Happy birthday, Kili!_

He hadn't heard anything from his mother. But then again he had not heard anything from her for years and she didn't even know where he currently lived.

He reaches over to the little cabinet next to his bed. The top drawer is for work. But the bottom one he keeps for private stuff.He pulls out the birthday card with a big 21 written on the front and cannot help but smile when he opens the card and reads the message inside again.

_Happy Birthday, baby brother!! Wishing you a wonderful 21st! Would you like to go for a beer sometime?_

_Miss you always_

_Love XXX Fee_

He  lies back on the bed as the haze of the drug makes his head spin and clutches the card to his chest. Sweet Fili. He had never forgotten his birthday once, no matter how many times he had rung him up a week or more late wishing his big brother a happy late birthday when he'd forgotten again.

"I miss you too, Fee, " he whispers. "Always... "

+++

"You want more, hm? You dirty little bitch!"

"No, please sir, I beg you! Please don't hurt me!"

Once it would have been a genuine plea for help. At what point did it become a game? A sickening play in which he says his lines having become devoid of any real emotion.

"You dirty little good for nothing whore!" the stranger shouts at him again. "Bend over!"

Kili complies, submitting himself to the humiliation without question. He lost this fight a long time ago. He became dehumanised years ago. Nothing this man can do to him will shock him now. His body is only a shell. His soul is already dead.

He's seen it all, he's done it all. People are sick perverted monsters. He hated them once, hated what they did to him. Now he is beyond caring. When this guy is done he'll have another smoke and forget this diseased cancerous world for a little longer.

+++

_Dirty. This place is dirty. This room is dirty. This bed is dirty. I am dirty. I will never be clean again!!_

He reaches for the bedsheets and begins to tear at them frustration. He must be screaming, because his throat feels raw and he soon begins to cough when his vocal cords begin to protest but it is as if he has become deaf to his own voice.

 _Blood ... There is blood … Fuck, the bastard has actually made me bleed!_ he sobs to himself. He carefully reaches between his legs and flinches at the soaring pain. When he draws back his fingers he can see the smears of blood there. _Oh my God, what the fuck do I do?!_

The combination of the pain and the sheer enormity of what has happened to him suddenly hits him. He feels sick and dizzy and grabs for the bed, but his hand slips off the edge when everything turns black.

When he comes to he is lying on the stone floor, shivering and achy. Clearly no-one has come for him since he passed out, but that is more of a relief than anything. _I have to get out of here!_ he panics. _He’s gonna come back and he is going to do it again!_

The sheer thought of it churns his stomach and he finds himself throwing up violently onto the floor. _He's raped me!!_ he sobs loudly. _Oh god, oh god, Kili you stupid little fuck. Well your mum always said you'd end up in the gutter and hell she was right!_

He crawls along the floor into the far corner and curls himself into a ball, rocking against the bare wall. It is only then he realises his other injuries as his rib cage feels like its been stamped on, his lip is throbbing and his one eye has swollen shut. A torrent of emotions washes over him like a tsunami. Shame. Guilt. Disgust. Fear. Anger. Hurt.

 _Kili get up! You have to get out of here!_ he tells himself again, but every movement is tearing at him, is making him shout out in agony. Somehow his adrenaline is helping him to his feet. _My clothes! Where are my clothes? He's taken them!_ he realises with horror.

He pulls the sheet of the bed in his desperation, wrapping the stained fabric around him as he shuffles towards the door. He is trembling all over now and his breathing is rushed in his panic.

His hand reaches out for the door, pulling at the handle. Nothing.

He stares at the door as if not comprehending why it doesn't move, why he cannot open it. _You really are a completely twat!_ he begins to laugh at himself. _Did you really think you could just walk out of here like nothing has happened?_

His laughter becomes hysterical until it transforms into heaving sobs.

_You're trapped. You're locked up like a beast. You are nothing now. And when he comes back he's going to kill you._

As he thinks that last thought he becomes very still, suddenly clarity hitting him like the fist that had hit his cheek. "I'm going to die," he whispers into the semi darkness. "I'm going to die and no one will even know I'm gone. No one will even miss me!"

It's a thought so hollow, so desperately destructive that it knocks the last bit of defiance and his natural instinct to survive out of him. And his knees hit the stone floor with a sickening thud but he doesn't even feel the pain as his numb body surrenders to his dark fate.

+++

"Yeah bye."

Fili looks at his baby brother. His suitcase stands packed in the corner of the room. He feels hurt that Kili doesn't even turn to look at him. Doesn't give him a hug even when they won't see each other for three months.

They used to be so close as children. They used to be inseparable to the point where people thought they were twins. But everything changed when dad died. Kili could not overcome his grief. It ate at him like a parasite. And when they had moved to this estate things had got progressively worse.

"I'll come visit as soon as term has finished," he promises.

"Yeah whatever," Kili shrugs and puts his headphones back in and closes his eyes.

He doesn't open them when he hears the bedroom door fall shut behind his brother. But as he bites his lip to the point of bleeding he cannot stop the single tear that runs down his cheek.

 _Fine! Leave me then!_ he thinks angrily. _Now I have noone. Mum hates me. All the kids on the estate and at school hate me. And now you leave me too. Just like dad did._

+++

"Hello son, is your mother home?"

Kili stares at the two policemen with terror in his eyes. _Did dad call the police because I have not done my homework again, like he threatened he would?_

He nods nervously. "Mama!" he calls.

"Why is mama crying?" Kili asks his brother as the two boys peek around the door. "What did I do?"

Fili wraps his arm around his little brother as tears are springing into his eyes. "Not you, baby brother, you didn't do anything wrong. I don't think daddy is coming home," he says softly.

Kili looks at him with big eyes and frowns as he sees his tears. "Why not, Fee?"

Fili grabs his brother's hand and guides him towards the bottom of the stairs. "Remember when we had to say goodbye to Mr Bunny?" he says, watching Kili nod seriously. "Well,  I think we have to say goodbye to daddy too."

Kili begins to wildly shake his head. "No! Mr Bunny is dead! He was sick and then he died! Daddy isn't sick. He gave me a kiss and said see you later!" he sobs loudly.

"Hello." The policeman must have heard Kili's cry as he smiles kindly at the boys.

"Fili says  my daddy is dead!" Kili blurts out, his eyes wide.

"What is your name?" the man asks, kneeling down.

"Kilian," Kili says softly.

"And how old are you Kilian?"

"I'm eight," he says proudly. "My daddy isn't sick. Like Mr Bunny was."

The policeman looks at the oldest of the boys and then back at brunet. "You are right he wasn't sick, Kilian. But he had an accident. On his motorbike."

"He's dead isn't he," Fili says softly.

"Yes, I'm afraid so."

"No!" Kili begins to shout. "You're a liar! He can't be dead! He's gonna come home and take me bowling if I get a good rapport. He promised me!!" he screams at the top of his voice.

"He promised me," Kili sobs, looking bewildered as he takes in his surroundings.

"It's alright, Kili," the blonde lady with the beautiful long curly hair smiles warmly at him. "You're safe. You're here. You went back to those memories but now you are in the present. And in the present you are safe and you have all the tools you need to deal with those memories."

Kili blinks hard. His heart is pounding and he feels sick and confused. "I'd forgotten about some of those things. I'd forgotten what it felt like."

"I know, Kili. That's why we use this method. To go back into your subconsciousness. To those memories that we've buried deep and yet are still with us. Here we learn to revisit those memories in a safe environment at our choice. So we can deal with them when we choose to deal with them. You are in control, Kili. These are your thoughts, your memories and you can control them. Now remember that chest of drawers we talked about? Now I want you to put each of those memories into a drawer. They will always be there and whenever you want to you can open one of those drawers and take out that memory, to look at, to talk about. But only when you open that drawer. And when you want to put it back in there again you can and keep it safe until another time."

"And if I never want to look at them again? I want to burn the whole fucking thing to the ground!"

"You cannot burn them, Kili, this chest of drawers and the memories within cannot be destroyed because if we did that then all our happy memories would be gone also. But you can keep the black drawers closed if you want to. And only open the ones you want to look at. Tomorrow we will open the yellow drawers that we talked about. The ones right in front of us, which we want to open every day, because they contain all our happy memories."

Kili nods slowly and gets up, feeling dizzy and like he's been run over by a freight train.

When he gets back to his room he takes out the photograph that Thorin had given him, which said _I'll  wait for you_ written across it. It was an old picture, but Kili loved it as it showed Thorin exactly as he was to him, a little shy, a little cheeky and absolutely gorgeous. 

"Thorin I'm so lucky that you came for me. You saved me, not only from that world but from myself. I love you forever, baby. I want to come home to you now. I want to come home and marry you and live happily ever after," he sighs, closing his eyes as he imagines his lover's arms around him keeping him safe and loved forever.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://www.earth-association.org/information/regression-therapy/what-is-regression-therapy.html 
> 
> Comments make me happy!!


	52. Future Plans

“Thorin!!” Kili jumps up from the chair that he had been waiting in all morning. Thorin had been keeping him posted on his progress throughout his journey north, but nonetheless Kili had been sat waiting for him in this very spot for nearly three hours now, almost not daring to go to the toilet in case it was then that Thorin would arrive and he would miss even a second of seeing his lover. He flies around his partner's neck and crushes their lips together. "I have missed you so much, sweetheart," he sighs as their lips part and he rests his head on Thorin's shoulder.

"Missed you too, flower," Thorin smiles, stroking his hand through Kili's hair. "How are you?"

"Good," Kili smiles up into Thorin's grey blue eyes. "Really good. Would you like a coffee?"

"I'd love one," Thorin nods and smiles warmly as Kili takes his hand and leads him to the coffee shop. "You look well," he compliments his younger partner. He really does. There's a glow about him. His stance has changed,  he looks much more confident and comfortable in his own skin.

Kili beams as he puts a latte down before his fiance. "Thank you. So do you. But then you always did, gorgeous," he stares dreamily into Thorin's eyes.

"You haven't lost your charm, " Thorin grins and rubs his thumb over the back if Kili's hand.

"So how's the new job?"

"Good," Thorin nods. "Just something to keep me busy, keep my mind off how much I miss you. And it's a good challenge. Reminds me of what the world is like outside Oakenshield's Investments." He watches Kili flinch. "You know, lovely one, I spoke to Elrond the other day, to sort out some outstanding issues. He enquired after you. And wishes you well."

Kili raises an eyebrow. "That's... nice," he says a little unsure, twiddling his fingers.

Blimey, he's changed, Thorin thinks. Previously he would have just snorted and sought some ulterior motive behind it. He smiles back at Kili. "I think they miss you, Kili. Even Aragorn had said to him how quickly you'd started to pick everything up and that it's a shame you are gone."

At that Kili narrows his eyes. "Well that does surprise me," he says, this time with an edge of mockery to his tone. "Last time I saw him he could not even look me in the eye since he was so disgusted by me."

Thorin grabs Kili's hand. "I think he's come to realise the error of his hasty judgement," he tries to sooth the brunet.

"Perhaps," Kili shrugs. "Would you like to see my room?" he quickly changes the subject. "It's actually really quite nice." He gets up and leads Thorin down the corridor and up the stairs, reciting what rooms they pass on the way. "So this is my room," he says as he unlocks the door with his key card and precedes Thorin into the room. "Looks alright, doesn't it? More like a hotel than rehab."

"It does," Thorin agrees as he walks around the surprisingly luxurious bedroom. “And you have a nice view too,” he observes as he looks out of the window over the well maintained castle grounds.

“Not as nice as the view I have now,” Kili grins cheekily at his lover and wraps his arms around him again and gently presses his lips against Thorin’s. “I have something nice planned for us today,” he purrs softly, brushing his hand along Thorin’s cheek and pushing a stray strand of hair behind his ear.

"Oh? And what is that?" Thorin asks curiously.

"We're going to Edinburgh," Kili beams. "I have never been, but everyone here tells me it's fantastic. It's only an hour drive from here and I'm happy to drive if you're tired?" he smiles sweetly, but his face drops when he sees the hesitation in Thorin's eyes. "You don't trust me," he states with a sigh.

"I do. I do trust you," Thorin smiles. "I do, Kili. And it sounds like a lovely plan, I have not been to Edinburgh for years and I look forward to you taking me out on a date," he presses their noses together.

Kili nods and grabs his jacket. "Let's go then!"

+++

“Wow!” Kili utters as they walk hand in hand up the Royal Mile towards the castle. He turns his head this way and that taking in the beautiful historic city. “This is amazing!”

Thorin squeezes his hand and smiles. “I had forgotten how beautiful Edinburgh is," he agrees with Kili’s observation.

“Oh, this is it!” Kili beams as he spots the restaurant he had found on the internet just at the foot of the approach to the castle. He had planned this day for weeks, giving him something to do in the evenings whenever Thorin was not available to talk.

Thorin looks up at the colourful gilded heraldic sign. “The Witchery?” he quotes and looks at Kili. “That is an interesting choice of name …”

“It looked amazing online,” Kili gleams and drags Thorin through the little archway and into the close towards the entrance. When they enter the ancient building both their mouths fall open simultaneously as they take in the splendour of the interior of elaborately carved dark wood panels.

“If this is a restaurant, imagine what the castle will be like!” Kili exclaims breathlessly.

“Good afternoon sirs,” the front of house host greets them with a welcome smile. “Do you have a reservation?”

“Yes, Mr and Mr Oakenshield," Kili smiles and when the host turns to his reservation book he beams at Thorin. "I wanted to see what it sounded like," he grins. "Pretty good don't you think?"

Thorin finds his face break into the widest smile. "It sounds perfect."

"This way please, gentlemen." They follow the smartly dressed man towards a table covered in a crisp white tablecloth, a beautiful flower piece with a gold candlestick in the middle and more cutlery and crockery than Kili possibly knows what to do with. "This is posh," he grins after the waiter had laid the cloth napkin across his lap and handed him the menu.

"It is," Thorin beams back. "What have I done to deserve being spoiled like this?"

At that Kili feels his smile widen. "You thought I forgot," he grins. “Or were you so vain that you would not share with me that you are turning another year older on Tuesday?”

Thorin smiles that Kili had remembered his upcoming birthday. “I just never make a big deal of it,” he shrugs. “To be honest it isn’t something I have celebrated since my mother left.” When he sees the frown on Kili’s face he quickly adds, “That is not to say that I shouldn’t change an old habit either! I think it is lovely that you remembered and have arranged this. Thank you, my angel.”

Kili lets out a relieved sigh. “Glad you like. Thought I’d fucked up there.”

“Never,” Thorin smiles warmly. “This is a delightful surprise from my delightful husband-to-be.” He orders his drink with the waiter and turns back to Kili. “So you have found your treatment helpful?” he asks carefully, worried that Kili will just shut down if he mentions it.

But Kili nods with a smile. “More than I ever thought I would admit.” He reaches to take his beloved’s hands. “There are things I need to tell you though,” he says softly. “Things I feel you need to know.”

“Whatever you want to tell me, Kili. I am here to listen and support you.”

Kili nods slowly. “It … it will take time,” he admits. “The therapy … it has brought so many things to the surface again. Things I had even forgotten that had happened. Things I had forgotten I had done. George said that it could be at a completely random moment - shopping in the supermarket, watching something on TV, something someone says - that could trigger a memory.” He looks up into Thorin’s soft grey blue eyes and feels himself relax under the warm gaze. “But I have learnt ways to deal with them. Better ways than drugs or self-harm.”

Thorin cocks his head, his brow furrowing slightly.

“I have hidden it well,” Kili admits, holding out his wrists and turning them upwards. “You can probably barely see the scars now. Never really cut deep.” He feels his cheeks burn in embarrassment as he looks down at the table, pulling his sleeves over his wrists again. “Mainly used to scratch at my skin. It was George who first picked up on it. I didn’t even know I was doing it until he pointed it out.”

Thorin remembers Kili talking about George a lot in their conversation, to the point where initially it had made him a little worried and somewhat jealous. But he now understood that this was simply Kili’s case worker and a friend at most. “I am sorry, flower.”

“Why?” Kili asks with a frown. “It’s not your fault, quite the contrary.”

Thorin shrugs, waiting for the waiter to finish pouring the wine and taking their order before he continues. “I guess I am just sorry that I was not able to take your pain away. That it took someone else to offer you help.”

“Thorin, you are not a therapist, Kili says sternly. “And anyhow I do not want you to be my therapist, I want you to be my lover. It has been good to talk to a total stranger. I do not have to care what George thinks of me afterwards. If he thinks I am a total arse then well he is probably right but at the end of this I will never have to see him again. But you …” He shifts a little unsurely. “Thorin, ehm tomorrow there is a session for family and partners. Perhaps … would you ...? “

“Would I go to that?” Thorin finishes the question, when Kili does not. “Of course I will, flower. If you think it will help you, help us.”

“I think it will help you,” Kili corrects. “Will help you understand me. Understand why sometimes I do the stupid things I do. And it will teach you not to blame yourself. To let me be responsible for myself. You are here to support me, Thorin. But you are never responsible for what I do.”

Thorin nods. “You have learnt a lot,” he smiles softly.

“Yes,” Kili agrees. “I have learnt a lot about myself. Far too much I sometimes think.” He lets the waiter put his starter of patê in front of him. “This looks good,” he grins.

“Mine smells amazing,” Thorin sniffs the Stilton soup.

“Smells of feet,” Kili screws up his nose, making Thorin laugh. “But yes,” he continues, “I have had a lot of time to think. Like about what I want to do with my life ...” he looks seriously at his lover who had brought his spoon towards his mouth, but now holds it still in the air as he looks back at Kili.

“I hope that that still involves me …” Thorin utters softly.

Kili nods sincerely. “Of course it does. But it has made me think about other stuff. Like work …”

“Oh?” Thorin enquires, continuing with his starter. “And?”

“Well, George pointed me at some of those online tests that help you work out what you want to do. I was quite surprising really. Came up with some stuff around theatre and artistic nonsense. I mean, I am way too old to get into that now, maybe as a hobby but not as a career. But it also came up with therapist.” He snaps his jabber mouth shut and looks at Thorin, waiting for a reaction. “You think the same as me, right? Can hardly look after myself, let alone someone else …”

“I don’t,” Thorin answers immediately. “I do not think that all. I think you have an awful lot of life experience to pull on. And if you wanted to do something like that, with the right training ... “ He smiles at his handsome lover. “I think it could really suit you, flower.”

Kili feels a sense of relief that Thorin had not just told him to get a grip on reality. “It is not going to be easy. I have no qualifications and with my career history, my arrests and now the rehab … Kerry, from the career centre, she said it would not be impossible though. And it is a career that some of their previous patients have successfully pursued.” He takes a bite from his starter and chews. “What do you think?”

“I think it is definitely worth looking into. There must be thousands of different streams in that sort of line of work. Maybe something where you can combine your creative side?” he tries carefully. _I had no idea he had a creative side! I am hoping to see more of that when he comes home._

Kili nods, swallowing his food. “Yeah, Kerry said about stuff like creative therapies. It doesn’t have to be with addicts either. I was maybe thinking like people with learning difficulties? It will depend on the screening because Kerry said they are quite strict when you work with vulnerable people. But I told her about Flick. Wouldn’t that be great, Thorin, if I could do something that might help my little niece as she grows up?”

Thorin almost chokes on his soup as he has to swallow the lump in his throat. “That would be amazing. Kili, you are such lovely guy,” he beams proudly. _It is so lovely to see him like this. This is the Kili I knew was in there all along._ And for the first time since he had waved Kili off at the train station he feels less guilty and more convinced that they had done the right thing.

“There is something else as well,” Kili says, wiping his mouth on his napkin as the waiter takes their empty dishes away, ready for the main course. “And I am not sure how your are going to feel about this,” he says honestly, feeling a little nervous.

Thorin reaches across the table, taking Kili’s hand again. “What is it?”

“I think we should move.” Kili bites his lip. _He is going to reject that idea surely. He loves his luxury apartment. And neither of us have a steady job at the moment. Perhaps I should not have brought it up just yet …_

“I agree,” Thorin smiles to the brunet’s surprise.

“Y-you do?”

“Yes. I think we need a fresh start for the both of us. Our very own little love nest,” he grins. “Somewhere that we have chosen together. Maybe somewhere with a garden even?”

Kili feels a smile light up his face. “Oh yes, that would be amazing! Somewhere just outside the city. Not too far, I still want to be able to visit my brother and Ori and Leggers.” Then his face drops. “Can we afford to move though? At this moment.”

“Why don’t we look into it?” Thorin rubs Kili’s hand. “Moving house is never a quick thing. We can start browsing areas when you get back. And then hopefully we can buy somewhere after the wedding?”

“Buy?!” Kili gasps.

“Well yes, probably,” Thorin nods with a grin. “I would like somewhere that we could do up perhaps. I am useless at DIY but I am willing to give it my best shot. Something that we really could put our mark on.” He looks at Kili who stares back open mouthed. “If you want of course.”

“Oh my God!” Kili utters, squeezing Thorin’s hand with both of his. “You are so amazing! That sounds so amazing! I have never had a place of my own before,” he says with a sudden overwhelming realisation. He wants to kiss Thorin but settles for pressing his lips against his hand. “You are the best, baby.”

“I just want us to be happy together,” Thorin smiles.

“We will be,” Kili promises. “So … you definitely still want to marry me then? Now that you are starting the see the real Kili … I have not put you off?”

“I adore the real Kili,” Thorin beams honestly. “You are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I feel that finally coming up to my mid forties that I am beginning to live the life I have always wanted.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://www.thewitchery.com/


	53. Chapter 53

Kili flops down on the luxurious double bed and grins at Thorin. “So what do you think?”

“It’s lovely,” Thorin smiles back as he takes in the room and then his fiance. “Such a wonderful surprise,” he grins as he seats himself on the edge of the bed and begins to take off his shoes. “And I have had such a wonderful day with you.”

“Me too,” Kili grins as he wraps his arms around his long-haired lover. He was really pleased with himself that he had managed to arrange this all without Thorin finding out. He was sufficiently far into his therapy now that technically he would be allowed to go home on a Saturday night, but since that was such a long way away Thorin had agreed to travel up to see him instead and it had given him the perfect excuse to arrange this birthday surprise for Thorin. Now they were sat on the four poster bed of the establishment where they had had lunch earlier that day only a few steps away from the famous Edinburgh castle. “I hope our wedding venue will be something like this,” he dreams out loud.

“Well, why don’t you have a look,” Thorin smiles as he grabs his travel case and pulls out his tablet. “I had a surprise of my own planned for this weekend,” he admits as he starts up the device and loads up the folder with all the links and pictures that he, Fili, Lyn and Dori had put together of the last few weeks. “These are all the things we have booked so far. Would you like to see?”

Kili hesitates for a moment. He had quite enjoyed the idea of the whole thing being a surprise, but now he finds his curiosity getting the better of him and he nods, pulling Thorin further onto the bed.

“There are a few things I need your opinion on too,” Thorin continues, feeling a warm bubble inside him as they finally get to do some planning of their big day together.

“Such as?” Kili asks as he looks at the screen with interest.

“Well, for a start would you like to pick out our rings?”

At that Kili is practically bouncing up and down on the bed and soon they are flicking through page after page of wedding rings, from the plain to the ridiculous until Kili points at an image. “Like that,” he beams. “That is amazing, I want a design like that.”

Thorin looks at the picture of two rings that when put together form a fine traditional heart. “I love the design,” he agrees, although he would like to get proper gold rings. “How about I take this to a jewellers when I get back to Birmingham and commission them to make this in gold and silver?”

“Oh that would be amazing. And unique!” Kili gleams with glee. “You could have gold with a silver heart and me silver with a gold heart. What do you think?”

“That sounds beautiful,” Thorin agrees and cuddles Kili in his strong arms. “And these are the suits and jackets we have picked so far. Do you like them?”

After about an hour they have managed to tick off the rings, the suits, the table flowers, the favours and the cake, which is a hexagonal two tiered white-iced cake with golden ribbons and autumn coloured iced flowers and leaves.

“Lyn has already sorted out the invitations as per what we agreed,” he reassures Kili. They had gone through their cosy guest list a couple of weeks ago, which primarily consisted for Thorin’s small group of friends and of course Fili, Lyn and Flick. “Except for two people. How would you feel if I invited my mother and Lee?” he asks carefully. He had stalled the question for as long as possible, not even because he did not want to ask Kili, but because he had been in two minds himself.

Kili takes his lover’s hand, pressing a kiss against it. “Thorin, that is entirely your decision,” he says. “If you would like them there and you think they would like to come, then of course I would like that too.” He looks into Thorin’s beautiful blue eyes. “I really would like to meet them both. Before the wedding.”

“You will, sweetheart,” Thorin promises. “You will like them. They are really lovely people, both of them. And they have been totally supportive of us.”

“Have you told them yet? About the rehab?”

“Some of it. Like we agreed. They understand. More than anyone, Kili. My mum has only just started to open up about the abuse that my father and her ex put her through … She will need help with coming to terms with those things too I think. And Lee. He reminds me so much of Frerin,” he says, choking up a little and resting back in Kili’s embrace.

“Then it will be an honour to have them both there,” Kili presses a soft kiss against Thorin’s lips.

“And your mother?” Thorin asks carefully. “You definitely do not want to invite her?”

“No,” Kili shakes his head resolutely. “I know she is my mum, but she has ruined it for herself. I don’t want her there ruining our special day with some stupid comment, which I know she will make. Oh god, I can just imagine when they ask if anyone knows of any reason why we cannot be wed she’ll shout out something then.” He cringes at the thought. “No, the only people I really want there are you, Fee and his family and Ori. Anyone else is welcome as long as they behave. And give us cool presents,” he adds cheekily.

Thorin smiles and shoves the tablet away. “We can finish this tomorrow,” he says. “And then at least Dori and Lyn can stop shouting at me that I am so unprepared. I keep telling them I have it all under control,” he laughs as he twists round and pins Kili underneath him. “But now I want my final birthday present.” And he begins to nibble at Kili’s neck whilst his left hand begins to roam down Kili’s chest towards his belt.

“Oh, can we please call Dwalin first?” Kili utters suddenly, making Thorin groan softly. “You promised that we would check on Shadow,” Kili pouts as he always does when he wants to get his way. “And then we don’t need to after I have made you scream my name, we can just cuddle and fall asleep together,” he purrs.

“I will hold you to that promise,” Thorin grins as he takes out his mobile and presses his friend’s contact button.

“Thorin!” Dwalin answers immediately, sounding strangely agitated. “You have seen the news then?”

“The news? No, I just called to make sure all was well with the cat. What news?”

“The cat is fine. I have fed it and we had cuddles. Is Kili with you?” Dwalin says, not answering the question.

“Yes he is, why?” Thorin asks now utterly confused. He looks at Kili, who looks flustered by the conversation and he mouths to him that Shadow is fine, stroking his leg in reassurance.

“Just be careful, mate. It’s all over the news here.”

“What news?!” Thorin snaps, annoyed now with his friend’s vague responses.

He drops his phone in shock as Kili switches on the television in their room and he can hear his lover gasp behind him.

“Thorin? Thorin?”

He can hear Dwalin’s muffled calls but he is too stumped to speak or move as he stares at the news report. “I’ll call you back,” he just about manages and terminates the call. He feels Kili thread his fingers through his, squeezing his hand for comfort whilst they both stare at the screen.

_West Midlands Police have made several arrests in what they call one of the largest undercover operations the area has ever seen. Investigations into the organised paedophile ring began back in May following an anonymous tip off, which led to a property in Sparkhill._

Thorin can hear Kili let out a soft noise that is so pained it cuts straight through his heart as footage shows a tall pale man, half covered under his coat, being taken away by police and he turns to find him white as a sheet and trembling.

“It’s him!” Kili utters, staring wide-eyed at the footage. “Oh god, it is him!”

Thorin moves to pull Kili into his arms. His lover feels stiff as a board as he shakes uncontrollably in his arms. “It’s alright, flower,” he hushes. “They have got him now. He is going to pay for what he did. He cannot harm anyone anymore now.”

_Three arrests were made at the property, including a fifty-three year old man who is believed to be the ringleader. Further leads resulted in fourteen more arrests at several other properties in the North of the city with investigations still ongoing._

_Detective Superintendent Dain Ironfoot, the senior investigating officer leading the 70-officer strong inquiry into the abuse claims gave the following statement._

The image shifts to a ginger-haired officer in full uniform, giving a press conference.

_“West Midlands Police have been working on the complex investigation into this paedophile ring for several months now, which has led to the arrests made today._

_We knew from the very start that this would be a major inquiry but the scale of the violence and abuse uncovered during the investigation has been a shock for all officers involved and is believed to go back several decades. We will now pursue prosecutions against all those people who committed offences, including some already imprisoned for possession of indecent images of children, which have now been linked to the property in Sparkhill where much of the abuse took place._

_We will continue to go through the lengthy process of tracing possible victims and so far nearly 100 men have already come forward as victims and have started to receive therapy. These statements in addition to the evidence recovered from several of the properties under investigation will form a major part of our operation and future discussions with the Crown Prosecution Service._

_I must stress that the purpose of the investigation is to encourage victims to come forward, to prosecute the abusers, and to give victims after-care. I urge anyone with information which may assist the inquiry to contact West Midlands Police or contact  Crimestoppers on 0800 555 111.”_

“I can’t believe it,” Kili whispers as Thorin turns off the television. “They caught him. They actually got him.”

“Are you alright, little flower?” Thorin presses kisses all over his face.

“Yes,” Kili croaks. “I … I think so.” He looks at Thorin, feeling so many emotions wash over him he feels like he is back on drugs as his head is swimming so much. “Do you think I should call?”

Thorin takes in a slow, contemplative breath. “I don’t know, flower,” he answers honestly. “Maybe you should discuss it with George first.” _I don’t want it to undo all the hard work that you have put in these last few weeks. I don’t want it to send you spiralling down that big black hole again._

“You should ring Dwalin back,” Kili says softly, putting away the remote control. “Let him know that we are fine.”

Thorin nods and grabs his mobile again. Suddenly all the pieces of the puzzle begins to tumble into place. _An anonymous call in May … Dwalin!_

“Thorin? Have you seen it? Are you both alright?”

“Yes, we are alright,” Thorin reassures his friend. “I can’t believe they actually got him. You think that …? Your phonecall?”

Dwalin is silent for a moment. “I dunno, mate. It could have been anyone. It doesn’t matter anyhow. Hopefully the bastard is gonna go away for a hell of a long time. It’s at time like these I think it’s a shame that we abolished the death penalty. Get rid of the lot-a-them if you ask me.”

Thorin grunts an agreement and looks at Kili again. _My poor flower. You and all those other boys …_

“Anyhow, just wanted to make sure you were both alright,” Dwalin says. “Don’t let it spoil your holiday. It is good news after all.”

“Yes, you are right. Cheers, buddy. I’ll speak to you when I get back.” He smiles at Kili as he puts his mobile phone away. “Are you sure you are alright?”

Kili nods. “Yeah. What was that about a phone call?”

“What phonecall?”

“You said something to Dwalin. _Did you think your phonecall …_ you said.”

Thorin sighs, remembering it now. They had never really talked about that day up until now. “Yes, he did make a phonecall to the police,” he admits. “That day that we thought you had gone to find that bastard and we chased after you.”

“You found him and you beat the crap out of him,” Kili states plainly. When Thorin does not immediately answer, he adds, “Well someone had to.”

“We found a boy there,” Thorin swallows hard as he remembers the youngster. “He was clearly underage and … I just saw red. Dwalin tried to get that kid out of there, but he ran away.”

“Thorin,” Kili says softly, taking his hand. “You cannot save them all. But you saved me.”

“I didn’t _save_ you,” Thorin frowns. “I fell in love with you.”

“Alright,” Kili lets it go. “And I fell in love with you because you are the most amazing, most handsome and most lovely person on the planet.”

“Hardly,” Thorin mumbles shyly, feeling himself blush under all the beautiful praise. “You sure you are alright?” he asks for a third time, steering back the conversation to a more comfortable set up.

“Yeah I think so. Gonna have a shower. Care to join me?”

“Sure,” Thorin smiles, kissing Kili’s lips and lets himself be dragged towards the bathroom.

Once the warm water runs over their skin, Kili wraps his arms around Thorin’s neck. “Thank you,” he whispers against his lips.

“For what, flower?” Thorin asks softly, running his hands through Kili’s wet locks and down his back.

“Everything. For making me happy. For keeping me safe. For standing by me and making me believe in myself again.”

“Just be with me,” Thorin cups Kili’s hand with his large hands. “That is the only thank you I need, your promise to love me and be with me always.”

“I will,” Kili hums softly, cuddling up in the warm wet embrace of Thorin’s strong arms and broad chest. “Love the feel of you holding me. I feel so safe with you.” And so they stand for a while, letting the warm water run over their bodies as they listen to each other’s steady heartbeat.

When they have dried themselves with the luxurious fluffy towels, Kili flops back down on the bed, pulling Thorin on top of him. “So anyway, before we got rudely interrupted, he grins with his usual cheeky flair, I was making you a promise.”

“You were indeed,” Thorin agrees, nibbling at the brunet’s earlobe. “Something about you making me scream your name I believe.”

“Actually, babe,” Kili says softly, groaning under the loving. “W-would you just make love to me? Just sweet and cuddly? I just want to feel you inside me and feel safe.”

“Of course, flower,” Thorin beams, brushing the pad of his thumb across Kili’s soft lips. “I would love to.” He presses long wet kisses across Kili’s shoulders and down his chest as his hand makes quick work of removing the towel from Kili’s waist revealing his eager hardness lying proud against his stomach. He traces the hot flesh with his fingers, drawing soft hisses from his lover.

“That feels nice, sweetest,” Kili mumbles. He closes his eyes and just relaxes back. Normally he would tell Thorin to stop teasing and get on with it. But tonight he is in the mood to be pampered. And the feeling of Thorin’s large hands caressing his skin sends tingles through him.

“You are so gorgeous,” Thorin praises as his mouth works its way south, licking a wet trail down Kili’s chest until he presses his nose against Kili’s shaft drinking in his masculine scent of arousal. “And you smell so good,” he groans softly, feeling the blood pump into his groin. He can feel the tremble in Kili’s thighs as his hand cups his sack, massaging him softly whilst his tongue runs along the length of his shaft.

“Hm, babe, so good,” Kili moans softly, biting his lip as the warm wetness of Thorin’s mouth gives him such pleasure. He can feel his partner’s fingers begin to tease him between his buttocks, pressing against his entrance, not enough to enter him, just enough to make him whimper softly in need as he cock pulses.

Thorin takes away his mouth to look up at Kili’s flushed face. “You are just stunning like that,” he smiles happily. “All flushed and horny. I am the luckiest man alive to have you in my bed.”

“I like it when you flatter me,” Kili giggles. _Especially as I know you actually mean it._ Then he gasps as Thorin pushes harder against his folds, his finger only slicked with saliva as it slides into his body up to the knuckle. “Oh god,” he groans loudly, raising his head as he looks at Thorin through hooded eyes. He pulls his legs up a little, letting them fall open a little more as Thorin ever so slowly thrusts his finger into him. He has to bite back the plea for another, allowing Thorin to set the tantalisingly slow pace which is making his body burn with desire. Just as he thinks he cannot keep his mouth shut any longer, Thorin adds to the stretch with his middle finger and quickly sets to work to rub against his pleasure spot.

“Oh god, Thorin!” Kili cries out softly, bucking his hips as the stroke of fingers over his prostrate is sending sparks right to the tip of his prick and he can feel his precum leak onto his stomach, which Thorin is quick to lap up. Kili wants to make a witty comment about it, but the breath is stolen from him as Thorin presses harder inside him and his fingers curls into the duvet as he thinks he might just spill prematurely if Thorin carries on like that.

“Not yet, little flower,” Thorin grins wickedly. They have been together long enough now, made love enough times that he knows exactly when Kili is approaching his point of no return and will not let him wander across it just yet.

Kili mewls softly in complaint when Thorin pulls back his fingers, leaving him unfinished and begging. "Make love to me," he urges his older lover this time.

Thorin squirts the oily lubrication into Kili's palm and presents his erect length to him. "I will if you prepare me," he smiles wantonly, tracing his fingers down Kili's chest again.

"That I can do, " Kili smiles and within moments he has Thorin grunting in bliss as he pumps the smooth substance along his hard prick. "My sexy man," he grins, watching the flush spread in Thorin's neck. "Make me yours then."

He watches his tall dark lover move between his thighs and feels the soft tip of his cock massage his furrow, relaxing him into the penetration that follows. It takes him only an instant to force his body to relax around the stretch before discomfort makes way to pleasure. And when he opens his eyes again, he finds Thorin's blue gems sparkle back at him.

"I love you," Thorin seals his declaration with a kiss. Kili's legs are wrapped around his waist now, his hands stroking his chest and teasing his nipples.

"Love you too, Thorin," Kili answer earnestly. "You are the love of my life and I don't want to live another day of it without you."

“You will not have to,” the older man promises. He wraps Kili close in his embrace as he slowly rolls his hips, taking his time to push into his lover’s tight heat, each drag through that wonderful tunnel sending sparks through his prick and up his spine. “Does that feel nice, little flower?” he whispers through their gentle kisses.

Kili grabs Thorin’s buttocks, pushing him deeper inside him as he meets Thorin’s thrusts with his own bucking hips as they steadily increase their pace. “Yes. Amazing,” he pants, his eyes fluttering as once more the electricity that signals the approach of his climax and Thorin has this amazing ability to get and keep him close yet to keep going on forever.

He lets his handsome lover pound him harder, deeper into the mattress, loving the warm weight of his finely shaped body, still toned with just some gentle loving curves around his waist and hips were life has been good to him. “You are going grey,” he chuckles as he runs his hands through Thorin’s thick black hair, tracing little silver strands at his temples. “You are going to be my sexy silver fox.”

“Oi!” Thorin growls in mock offence. “I am still in my prime!”

“Oh I never said otherwise, baby,” Kili chuckles. “I think it is sexy. _You_ are sexy.” He groans as Thorin increases his thrusts, seemingly feeling the need to prove his stamina to his younger lover. “God yes, baby,” Kili utters breathlessly as his hole is assaulted with increased vigour. “Make me come!”

He grins when Thorin slowly lowers his buttocks down to the mattress and pulls Kili upright by his wrists, just about managing to stay inside Kili as he folds his legs around his waist. “Let’s try this,” he grins and pushes his hands underneath Kili’s buttocks, lifting him up and back down over his length again.

Kili squeals as the position puts pressure on his sweet spot and Thorin’s shaft pokes him even deeper than before. “That’s … oonfh … good,” he groans and he uses Thorin’s shoulders and thighs as leverage to make him bounce with even more verve, finding the angle that sends sparks shooting up into his brain. “Y-yes!” he cries out, far louder than intended when the pleasure burst into a climax. He presses his lips against Thorin’s neck, panting and groaning as he feels his seed shoot from his prick in between their now sweaty bodies.

“Babe, come!” he pleads, tensing his pelvic muscles, pressing down hard against Thorin’s groin.

He beams when he watches the pleasure spread in Thorin’s face, watches his beautiful blue eyes cloud over, his eyelids droop and flutter, his cheeks flush red whilst his hips jerk up. Watching and feeling Thorin come inside him is the most wonderful treat and he presses a sloppy kiss on his swollen bottom lip. “You are so gorgeous when you come,” he grins when Thorin’s body relaxes underneath him and his eyes open again.

“That was wonderful,” Thorin smiles, cuddling Kili close against him. “You are wonderful, my sweetheart. God, I am so in love with you.”

“Think we need another shower,” Kili sighs, letting himself relax in Thorin’s embrace.

“Tomorrow,” Thorin cups his face and kisses him softly. “Now I just want to hold you and cuddle you and fall asleep with you.”

“You have changed,” Kili smiles as they come apart and crawl under the sheets together. “For the better,” he adds. “You are so much more relaxed now than when we first met.”

“You too, little one. Guess we are good for each other.”

Kili nods in agreement as he cuddles up in Thorin’s strong and protective embrace, which feels like the safest place in the entire world right now.

 


	54. Kilts and Courage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apologies it has taken a while to update, the chaos in my head is reflected in the fact that I am working on like a hundred fics all at once, but I am slowly getting my focus back ;)

"Balin!"

Thorin's eyes fly open and he blinks hard in confusion, momentarily lost both as to where he is and why Kili had shouted quite what he does not recall at first. But before he has had a chance to wake up properly Kili is shaking his arm frantically.

"Balin! Oh my god Thorin we must invite Balin to the wedding!"

 _Who the fuck is Balin?_ Then he remembers; the white haired host that had so politely told him that he had exactly what he was looking for when he had turned up to a gay club so many months ago now hoping to lose his virginity with a man even if he had to pay for it.

"He was practically our matchmaker!" Kili continues to chatter, which takes Thorin by surprise. It is not often that his lover is more awake than he is and this sudden sprightliness is somewhat unsettling.

He orders his brain to wake up and thinks about Kili’s statement then laughs. _Hardly! I paid good money for the pleasure of him sending me your way!_ But he doesn't want to dampen Kili's enthusiasm or his good mood and nods, yawning. "Alright yes, I'll get an invitation to him. I don't suppose you have a home address? Or a surname?" he wonders as he rubs his eyes.

"He’s just Balin," Kili chuckles. "Just drop it off at the club. Please? Pretty pretty please?" he purrs against Thorin's neck, nibbling his earlobe before his head disappears under the blankets.

Thorin groans loudly as without any real warning his soft cock is sucked into Kili's hot mouth. "Kili, my god. Oooh..... " he whimpers when the blood drains from his brain into his privates.

And as he closes his eyes and lets his lover spoil him he thinks again about how they met. That first moment when they looked into each other's eyes and he had felt something he had never felt before. His palms had been sweaty with nerves, his prick semi hard with anticipation. And yet when he first looked into those huge brown eyes it had felt like .... Like what? Love at first sight?

 _You ridiculous old fool! You were horny and desperate. Don't be such a sloppy romantic!_ But despite his harsh words to himself he knows it was the truth. He had never believed in something so emotionally fantastical. Until that day. In the most ridiculous of all places to encounter something like that.

 "When did you fall in love with me?" he blurts out, regretting the question when Kili abandons his hard-on and fights his way back out from under the duvet. Thorin chuckles when messy curls appear above the duvet quickly followed by those eyes that had taken his breath away from the very first moment their gaze had locked.

"What did you say?" Kili asks,  tilting his head a little as he bites into Thorin's beard.

"When did you fall in love with me?" Thorin repeats shyly.

Kili thinks about this for a moment. "Well, I thought you were a looker from the moment we met," he smiles, twirling his fingers into Thorin's hair. "But I guess I realised just how special you were when you took me to that race track. When we were sat on the hill, eating hot dogs in the sun. That was when I realised I was feeling all these crazy things I had never ever felt before. And all I wanted to do was kiss you and have you kiss me back."

Thorin smiles as he thinks back to that first date in the most unconventional sense of the word. "That was a very special day," he murmurs, kissing Kili's head.

"It was,” Kili nods with a smile. “So what about you then? When did I go from just being your bonk to more?"

"You were never just my _bonk_ ," Thorin smiles, forcing Kili's chin up so that he can gaze into those beautiful dark depths. "I went to the club that night to have sex, yes. But I came away with so much more. I truly believe I loved you from the moment I turned around and saw you standing there, with your cheeky flair on the surface and yet already in your eyes I could see this beautiful man underneath who just wanted to love and be loved."

 Kili can feel himself become emotional and he rests his head on Thorin's chest, trailing his fingers along the few dark and grey hairs over his sternum. "We all dreamt of it," he says softly. "All the boys... We fantasized about it between us. That one day there would be this handsome guy who would fall in love with one of us. It seemed a stupid fairytale at the time." He looks up to Thorin again, feeling his heart fill with so much love for this man. "But you truly are my knight who came to rescue me from the evil dragons. And rode away with me in his flash sportscar,” he laughs out loud.

Thorin chuckles too. “She does have a lot of horsepower,” he defends his choice of transport.

“That she does,” Kili grins and begins to kiss Thorin’s neck again. He takes a deep breath and then says something he had never told Thorin before. “Maybe I already knew then though. Cuz the weirdest thing was … Well, after we had been together that very first night …” he struggles to find the words, not wanting to offend Thorin with what he intends to be something nice. “I already could not stop thinking about you. And the jobs I took thereafter … It felt like I was cheating on you …” he bites his lip. wondering if he had said too much.

Thorin swallows hard. He remembers the phone call he had made, the one to invite Kili on their day out and how he had spoken to Ori and had been told Kili was with another client. He had felt sick to the core then and the same feeling curls inside him again now. He is not sure what to respond in turn so he just pulls Kili closer in his arms and places little kisses onto his hair. “I love you so much, my flower,” he whispers. “Nothing and noone is ever going to come between us.”

Kili happily snuggles into the embrace which feels like the safest place in the world. “Once I am finished with my therapy, babe, I want to have a month-long lock in and do nothing but sleep and cuddle and shag with you.”

Thorin begins to laugh a deep rumbling laugh at that and buries his head into Kili’s messy bed hair. “I will see what I can do about that.”

+++

“So is there anything you wanted to do today? Before we head back?” Thorin asks, stuffing toast into his mouth as they have breakfast in the downstairs dining room.

“Yes,” Kili smirks with a cheeky glint in his eyes. “I have a surprise planned for us. And I am not telling you what it is yet,” he adds shaking his head resolutely.

Thorin groans. “You know I am not good with surprises.”

“Well, that is just tough luck,” Kili laughs, sipping his coffee. “Because I like surprising you so you are going to have to get used to it, soon-to-be-hubby.” He is silent for just a moment and then adds, “It is weird to think that in less than a month’s time we will be married. Don’t you think?”

Thorin smiles. “I guess, yes. Good weird though?” he asks tentatively.

“Oh definitely good weird!” Kili bites his lip and begins to twist the ring around his finger. “What does it feel like? Being married? Is it any different to just being like we are now?”

Thorin puts down his fork and wipes his mouth on his napkin. “Well, I can only speak for my previous marriage and I did not enter that arrangement being as head over heels in love as I am with you,” he answers honestly, taking Kili’s ringed hand and rubbing the back of it. “But even then, yes, I felt it added something. That outwards statement of unity. I would not have proposed to you if I did not think it would add anything to our relationship as it is. I guess for me it really is about being your lawful partner. That you are considered to be my husband not just in my heart, but also officially. That makes it truly special for me.”

Kili smiles happily. “Me too. It makes me feel like I belong somewhere. Like me entering into your family and you in mine.” He bends forward and brushes his lips against Thorin’s hand. “I can hardly wait now.”

+++

“No!” Thorin shakes his head and already begins to pull his hand out of Kili’s grip as he realises what the younger man has planned for them.

“Yes! Oh come on, Thorin, for me. Please!” Kili pouts his bottom lip.

“No," Thorin shakes his head firmly. "I'd do many things for you, but I am not going to get dressed up in a skirt!”

“It is not a skirt!” Kili sniggers, tightening his grip on Thorin’s hand and dragging him further into the mill. “You will look sizzling hot in a kilt, I know you will.”

“Kili, stop, please!” Thorin whines softly, feeling his face flush as others now turn to look at him being dragged into the shop. “I don’t feel comfortable doing something like that. Anyway, I am not Scottish. I really don’t have the legs to wear something like that …”

Kili actually laughs out loud. “You are so vain, oh my god, Thorin! Now shut your whining and just play along. We are getting dressed up for our wedding and all. How is this any different?”

Thorin has no choice but to be dragged along for the harder he protests the more attention he calls to them. "I am really not happy about this," he continues to grumble under his breath as Kili leads him through the maze of a building towards the photo area.

Kili just grins. He is used to Thorin's grumbles by now but he also knows how to get his own way with him. Besides he finds it quite endearing how his older lover tries to hide his insecurities behind this tough front of his. It's no different in the end to Kili's blabbermouth defence mechanism.

As they pass photos of families in full Highland dress he snickers at Thorin soft groans. "You are going to look so much better than me," he tries to entice Thorin into seeing the fun side. "You've already got that rough Scottish look about you, with your thick hair and beard."

Thorin stops and narrows his eyes. "What is that supposed to mean?" He adds in a soft whisper through gritted teeth. "And I'm not Scottish!"

Kili grins as he takes a step towards his beloved and runs his hand over his bearded jaw. "It means I'm giving you a compliment, you grumpy stiff old Englishman. And if you don't cheer up then I'm telling Dwalin what an offended face you pulled at being compared to a Scot," he threatens.

At that Thorin can't help but smirk. "But I'm not taking my briefs off," he whispers, feeling his cheeks flush.

“I don’t think you are supposed to go commando in a borrowed kilt,” Kili whispers back with a wicked grin on his face. “Although it’s a shame …”

“Let’s just do this,” Thorin urges his lover along the staircase;surely there is only one thing worse than having to dress up in silly clothes. Doing a photo shoot with a hard on!

"Good morning," the studio worker greets the two men with a bright smile. "Is it just the two of you?"

"It is, " Kili nods happily, shaking the young lady's hand. "Me and my fiancé," he grins proudly, not caring if his honesty would cause any upset or disapproval. _Why should we hide it?  We're not doing anything wrong! I'm proud that I'm marrying this man and I'm going to tell the whole world about it!_

However he needn't have worried about the reaction as the girl is more than enthusiastic. "Oh are you getting married in kilts?! My brother and his boyfriend got married last year and they both wore kilts and they looked so handsome!"

Kili can't help but laugh at Thorin's face and places a quick peck on his cheek. "I doubt that's gonna happen. Had to drag him here kicking and screaming."

"Oh why?" the girl turns her attention to the older of the two now. "You are going to look amazing in Highland dress! Let me get a few things and we'll try them on. You're both going to look fabulous!"

Kili is relieved when he finds Thorin smiling back at him, looking a little more relaxed now.

"She's enthusiastic," Thorin chuckles softly, and brushes his hand through Kili's hair.

"It's gonna be a laugh," Kili grins.

Before he can say any more the young woman returns with a stack of clothes. "I am thinking blue. It will bring out the colour of your eyes," she smiles up at Thorin,  handing him a stack of garments. “Now let me show you how to put these on,” she continues to babble happily. "You can keep your T-shirt on if you'd like. Put the shirt on and button up as you would normally. Then put the hose on,” she holds up the knee height black socks, “I'll help you adjust them after. And finally the kilt. Now it’s very easy, just open the fabric behind you like this,” she demonstrates on herself.

Kili watches curiously as the young woman demonstrates how to buckle the tartan. He looks to Thorin who appears to be studying it with a mixture of apprehension and interest. _He looks beautiful when he is concentrating and thinks no-one else is looking at him._

“You can get changed behind the curtain there. What size shoes are you?" the young woman points to said curtain.

“Wow!” she utters, when both men appear again after a few minutes. “You two already look awesome. You are going to look just stunning once I have put all the finishing touches on!”

Thorin shuffles rather uncomfortably. Even with his briefs still on, standing here in the middle of a shop with these silly long socks and this piece of wool wrapped around his waist to hide his modesty. But Kili wraps his hands around him and kisses him softly on the shoulder. “You do look really nice,” he whispers softly in his ear. And there is a sincerity in his voice that makes Thorin relax a little as the young woman start to pull at his borrowed clothes.

However, he freezes when she suddenly kneels down to adjust his socks. “That ehm …” he stutters, scratching his beard.

“Let me,” Kili grins, sensing his lover’s unease. “If you can show me how to put these on,” he takes the flashes from her. “You don’t mind me looking up your skirt now, do you, babe?” he whispers under his breath as he kneels down to put them around the hose.

Thorin looks at the woman, his cheeks burning now, but she is professional enough not to say anything, although he can see her struggling to keep a straight face. And as he watches her trying to keep her cool as Kili is openly flirting with him and teasing him, he finds himself chuckle. “Alright I get it. The more resistance I put up the longer I have to make a fool of myself."

"Just chill, babe," Kili rises to his feet once he's helped Thorin out with the brogues also and then lets the photographer help him with his own outfit.

 _My god, he looks gorgeous in that,_ Thorin thinks with a shock. He'd been so preoccupied with his own discomfort at doing this that he had not even taken Kili in a kilt in properly until now. He'd never thought he'd find that look attractive on another man. Until now. _He looks like some Highland clan lord. He actually looks more comfortable in that than in a normal suit._

He jolts when Kili catches his hungry look and his young lover gives him a wide grin.

“Was this a good idea after all?” Kili teases, watching Thorin flush.

“You look nice,” Thorin grumbles, but he cannot keep the smile off his face.

“He looks amazing!” the young woman chirps as she helps them into their jackets. “You both do!” She hands them their sporran for the finishing touch. "You can have a barrett if you want but you both have such beautiful hair I think it'd be a shame to hide it. Come, let's take some amazing shots of you two!"

+++

When they're both back outside, in their normal clothes once more. Kili throws his arms around Thorin. "That was fun! And the picture is just awesome. Thanks babe! Thank you so much for doing this with me. I'm sorry if I’m being childish, I've never done stuff like that and...."

Thorin takes Kili's face in his large hands and presses a long kiss on his lips.

"I had fun," he smiles when he releases their lip lock. "I know I'm a grumpy git sometimes. I'm sorry, it really was fun and the picture is great."

Kili beams. "We can put it in a frame for in our new house," he chirps and hugs Thorin tight again. Then he sighs. "Guess we should make our way back now. We should really go to that session this afternoon before you head back."

Kili jaw drops in surprise as Thorin hands him the keys to the Maserati again. "Really?"

“I quite enjoyed being chauffeured yesterday,” Thorin shrugs causally, knowing full well how much this means to Kili. “If you want to that is …”

“Damn right I do!” Kili practically jumps with excitement. This is about so much more than driving a luxury sport scar. _He actually trusts me. He truly sees me as his equal._ A warm bubble pops inside his chest as he unlocks the car and chucks their overnight bag on the back seat.

Thorin smiles at Kili as they drive off.

"What?" Kili catches Thorin stare at him

"Nothing," Thorin grins. He reaches out to massage his lover's neck. "Just love you, flower."

"Love you too," Kili sighs happily. Then he draws in a deep breath. "Thorin, I've made a decision. I'm going to give a statement. I want that bastard to locked away for as long as possible. And if I can help do that..." He throws his fiancé and sidelong glance. "What do you think?"

Thorin moves his hand to lay it over Kili's resting on the gear stick. "I think you should do what feels right. If you want to give a statement then I think you should. But don't feel like you have to."

Kili nods, grateful for Thorin’s support. “I feel that I have to for me,” he says honestly, keeping his eyes on the road. “Like a form of closure I guess. If I don’t … I guess I’d feel like I am letting him get away with what he did to me. What they all did to me. And with my therapy and you by my side, my love, I feel I really have the strength to do it.”

Thorin moves his hand back to Kili’s hair again and strokes him soothingly. “I will support you whatever you decide to do, sweetheart. But I can understand why you feel you need to do this. If it helps you put the past to bed …”

“I hope so, Thorin. I am ready to move on with my life. Our life.” He quickly glances to the side and smiles at his fiancé. “A new chapter, right?”

“Right,” Thorin smiles back. “And only happy to chapters to come from now on,” he promises.

 


	55. Home

Thorin had offered to come and pick him up several times over, but Kili had gracefully declined the offer. Of course he was desperate to see the love of his life again. The days after Thorin had gone back home had felt endless and he had counted down the many minutes. But this had felt like the final thing he had to do on his own. As if this journey on the train was the final step in his therapy. A physical journey away from the place where he had left behind all his darkest memories, all his deepest fears and blackest hates. As if every mile the train travels he sheds off more of his old life and turns to face his new future, with someone who truly loves him, truly cares for him. But also a life that is his to choose. That alone feels amazing. He has never been in that position before. Others have always made his choices for him, one way or another. There had been so few things in his life he really had had a say over. That freedom, made possible as much by Thorin’s devotion as his wealth, is scary too. It is something that he had spoken at length with George about. Suddenly the world felt enormous. He could move house. He could go back to school. He could get a job, a real job, one that he would actually choose and one that he would not have to lie on his back for. The world is your oyster? More a frigging ocean!

At first that idea had truly terrified him. As if he was standing at the beginning of an endless maze and he had to blindly choose a route, not knowing whether it would lead to something good, a dead end or a trap. But George had told him not to always think so big. The world was not just black or white. It wasn’t just Kili’s old life that fitted into a small suitcase or the entire universe. There were a million options in between. He could make little choices too. A study. That could then become a job. And if he liked the job, a career. He did not need to choose what life was going to look like in thirty years time. Only what it looked like today and maybe tomorrow. And if he turned one way and found it was a dead end after all, there was nothing wrong with turning back and trying a different path.

He smiles at he looks at this diary in which he still writes his objectives for the day to help him focus like this. _Go home to Thorin!_ it reads on today’s page. Yes, that was all he needed to worry about for today. Go home to the man he loved. That too he had learnt in Scotland. That he loved Thorin not because he took care of him financially or because he enabled him to live in a nice house and not have to fuck for money. Even if for whatever evil twist of fate he had to go back to prostituting himself or if Thorin himself ended up in the gutter, he knew now with a certainty that had initially surprised him, that he really would love this man forever.

“If you are going to marry him you need to ask yourself that question,” George had insisted. “In sickness and in health. For richer and for poorer. If the tables were turned, Kili, if you were the rich and healthy one, would you still choose him?”

“Yes!” He had answered without hesitation. And when George had told him to think about it for a while longer - truly think about it, truly try and picture the two of them in opposite roles - he had come to the same conclusion. _Yes. I would. I am in love with Thorin. His kindness and his strength. His determination and his warm heart. His humour and his temper. I love all of him. I am not dependent on him. If I did not love him I could walk away. Would walk away. But I won’t. I am going to marry him, make him my husband. Until death do us part._

The therapy had been about so much more than just the drugs. But he had also had to face up to the fact that the drugs were more of a problem than he had believed up to now. He knew the pills had been a daft move and cannabis … well, it was just a plant really. So many people smoked it these days. It wasn’t like it was having much of an effect on him anymore either … Not until he went cold turkey again. The anxiety and paranoia that he had felt when Thorin had taken him to that cottage had hit him just as hard the second time round and harder still now that he had unburied so many of his old demons. He always had had a short fuse but the devil in him had really come out after a week and a half of sobriety. He recoils in embarrassment as he remembers how had smashed up one of the group therapy rooms, not even truly knowing what it was that had lit his fuse either. It had taken two men almost twice his weight to pin him down until he was calm enough to be let go again. He had asked George whether he should tell Thorin what happened as he spoke to him each night on Skype.

“There is no right or wrong answer,” George had stated in his usual non-committal way. “There is no rulebook for relationships, Kili. You need to decide for yourself. Honesty is generally a good thing. But you are allowed to have some privacy also.”

“Well that is fuck all use! Thanks for nothing!” Kili has snarled at his therapist. But in the evening he had explained to Thorin that he had lost his temper in group therapy but that it was probably because of the detox and that he was getting the right help to deal with his volatile moods. He had left it at that and felt content that he had been able to choose his own boundaries yet have enough trust in Thorin to share something so private and so painful with him.

 _I have come such a long way!_ he realises as he leans back in the first class seat - Thorin has insisted that if he was not to pick him up he would at least travel in comfort. He closes his eyes as he listens to the music on the ipad and smiles to himself.

“You are allowed to be proud of yourself,” Annie had told him when she had asked him what he liked about himself and he had simply snorted at the question.

“Why? What have I done that I should be proud of? I am a druggie and a whore!”

“How about, you have been clean for almost four whole weeks now and you are soon to be married?”

_Soon to be married!_

He twists the engagement ring around his finger, loving the smooth feel of it. He thinks about the wedding rings he and Thorin had chosen and wonders if his lover has really been able to have them commissioned as he had promised. It does not really matter. He would take a plastic ring for all he cares; it is the fact that Thorin _wants_ to put a ring around his finger that makes his heart sing.

“I don’t know what _he_ likes about me! That I am a nice fuck?!” He had shouted at George, not knowing what else to answer. It was the only answer that he always came back to. The only answer he knew to be true.

“Well, that is nice,” George had calmly smiled at him. “What else? Come on, Kili, the guy is not marrying you just because he likes to have sex with you!”

He had been so taken aback by the directness of George’s comment that he had actually started to think about it, night after night. _I know why I want to marry him! Why does he want to marry me?_

“Thorin wants to marry me because he loves me. Because he has fallen in love with me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me,” he had finally managed to say with a straight face. “He thinks I am fun and sweet and he enjoys my company.” _And I love him because he is strong and clever and kind. And god, he is one hell of a sexy man too, let’s not forget that!_ he adds in his head.

He jolts from his daydream as his music is interrupted by a message notification. He expects it to be his fiance and is almost disappointed when Thorin’s picture does not flash up. But then he smiles as he opens the message from Ori. They had barely messaged each other since their virtual falling out when he had first gone to Castle Craig. At first Kili had been pissed with his best mate that he did not seem to get just how hard this whole thing was for him. But as his therapy progressed he had begun to see how ultimately his life had changed so much for the better and Ori was still trapped in that hell hole that he had now emerged from. It had to be hard for his mate to watch his best friend get this good life with someone as amazing as Thorin. And he had started to feel a little guilty that he had been so wrapped up in his own feelings that he had failed to show any empathy for his friend’s situation.

_~ Hey babe, so I hear they are letting you out today! Does that mean they’ve declared you sane or a hopeless case? Miss you, babe. Wanna meet up for a pint somewhere when you are back? x O_

_~ Definitely a hopeless case,_ Kili jokes back. _Just talking with a wee Scottish accent now, me laddie. How’s you then? Missed you too. How’s tomorrow afternoon for you? I can pick you up?_

As soon as he has sent the message to Ori he gets the expected text from Thorin.

_~ How’s the journey. my love? We cannot wait to see you! Love you lots xxxx_

He beams as he opens the attachment, finding a selfie of Thorin with a shocked looking Shadow in his arms.He grins widely at the picture, remembering just how upset Thorin had been when he had first smuggled the cat into their apartment. _Look at you, you big softie!_

_~ Aaaaw! My two handsome boys waiting for me! Cannot wait to snuggle up with you. You look dead cute like that! Just under half an hour to go now. See you at the station, lover xxxx_

As the tannoy announces the next and final station as his destination Kili can feel nervous flutterings in his belly. He's more than excited now to wrap Thorin in his arms again but suddenly the thought that he's returning to normal life again it's freaking him out a little. No daily schedule planned out for him. No rule book to refer back to. Not the secluded security of Castle Craig. And no George and Annie to talk some sense into him. This is back to the reality of real life with all its ups and downs and temptations to make the same old mistakes. Now he has to prove he can make it on his own.

 _No, not on my own,_ he smiles to himself as he stands by the door with his holdall waiting for the train to come to a stop.

"Kili!"

Thorin takes quick strides forward as soon as he sees Kili's dark brown curls bounce toward him.

"Oh Kili," he smiles happily as his lover runs into his arms. He buries his face into his lover's hair, drinking in that familiar scent that he had missed so very much. "I have missed you, flower," he puts voice to his thoughts and feelings.

"And I you, sweetest," Kili beams and crushes their lips together. "Like crazy!"

Thorin reaches for Kili's holdall. "Come, let's go home," he says, taking his hand. "You have someone else waiting for you. "

"Oh," Kili says a little sadly. He'd hoped to just spend today with Thorin.

"What?" Thorin looks to the younger man as they traverse the carpark. "I thought you were excited about seeing Shadow? He's missed you terribly, you know."

"Oh!" Kili grins at that. " _That_ someone else. I thought you meant a person. He cuddles up to Thorin. "You have grown so soft for him."

Thorin snorts as he puts the holdall in his car. "He kept me company when you couldn't. I guess we've become friends. I even took him to the vet to have him neutered and microchipped."

Kili looks at his lover as they both buckle up and kisses him again. "You big softie," he says out loud this time. "I find you super cute when you are being all paternal like that, you know."

Thorin simply smiles as he drives off, occasionally glancing across to look at his sweetheart finally at his side again.

+++

"It's kinda weird to be back," Kili admits as they're sat on the sofa together, Shadow snuggled up on his lap. "And scary."

"Howcome?" Thorin slowly sips his tea, arm around his fiance.

"Just... It's back to reality. It sort of feels like I've been through boot camp and now I'm being sent into battle, hoping that I'll remember everything or I'll die."

"You won't," Thorin softly strokes Kili's long locks. "You'll remember what's important. And even if you don't and you make a mistake it won't be the end if the world."

"Thank you," Kili rests his head on Thorin's shoulder, enjoying that feeling of safety and belonging enormously.

He thinks back to the partner session that Thorin had attended with him at Castle Craig. At first he had felt embarrassed that his lover had to sit through some therapy session because of him. But he had to admit that the session was important, not just for Thorin to hear Kili's point of view - understand that his trust issues and self-destructive behaviour were normal in view of the trauma Kili had suffered, were not a reflection of Kili's love for him and were something they could work on together over time. But also it allowed Thorin to voice his fears and angers in a controlled environment - how Kili's overdose had brought back his own demons from the past, how his violent temper occasionally reminded him of his abusive father, how perhaps Thorin had a tendency to try and fix everything for Kili because he felt guilty for not having been able to fix things for his own mother, brother and half brother. That Thorin too needed to learn to let go of the past and not holds himself responsible for what his father had done. They needed to move forward add equals now. Understanding each other's weaknesses and strengths. Supporting the other but allow them to make their own choices and their own mistakes.

"I have a little surprise for you," Thorin says, kissing Kili's temple. "Only if you want to though. I have found a couple of properties for us to look at. There's three, each in different parts of the city, so we can compare the areas. What do you say?"

"To look at a house for us?" Kili gleams with happiness and he snuggles even closer against his older lover. "Oh baby, yes please! I'm very excited about that! Do they have a garden? I'd love to have a garden! We could have barbeques in summer and Fili can come over!"

"Yes, they all have a garden," Thorin smiles. "Great. Let's finish our tea and we can go and have a look at them. I hope you don't mind that I've arranged with an estate agent already. I thought if you don't want to we can always cancel, but... "

"I forgive you," Kili grins. "My extremely organised and efficient hubby. I would be worried if you hadn't."

Thorin snorts. "Cheeky git."

+++

“Well? What did you think?” Thorin smiles at Kili when they are sat in the car again after visiting the first house on the list.

“I cannot believe we are looking at house like _that_ ,” Kili shakes his head, still in shock. “I was thinking something like where Fee lives. That was a flipping castle!”

“Too big?” Thorin asks unsurely. _Damn, did I do the wrong thing? It wasn’t_ that _big._ He had especially tried to look for properties did not not scream _millionaire’s residence!_ at them.

“Babe, there is you, me and a tiny cat,” Kili laughs. “That place had fived bedrooms! Now unless there is something you are not telling me then I don’t think we need quite that many bedrooms.”

“Well,” Thorin argues back, “I can have one as an office. And you can have maybe your own art room? And then there will be two spare bedrooms for guests to stay over. So we could have one room for Fili and his wife and then the other for Flick when she is older.”

Kili thinks about this and shakes his head, smiling. “Well, if you really think we can afford something like that. But don’t forget I shared a flat the size of one of those bedrooms with two other guys. So anything like that is going to feel like a castle. But it was a nice place. Not sure if I can see us living there though. What did you think?”

“It was okay. But I agree, not one that immediately said _home_ to me. Let’s go and look at the other two. And if we don’t like any of them then we will go back and look for something else. We don’t even have to stay in the city now that you have your driving licence. We could look at the surrounding villages. There are some really lovely places both North and South of the city.”

Kili nods and watches the world go by as Thorin drives them to the next property on the list. He is not really sure what he wants to do. On the one hand leaving this place would mean moving away from the only friends he ever had and also further away from Fili. But on the other hand maybe moving away from the place that holds so many negative memories is not a bad idea. And now that he has a licence and a car he can visit whenever he likes. Plus with a house that size they can stay over at theirs as Thorin has suggested. “Yes, maybe we could look outside too,” he agrees as Thorin slows down and parks on the side of the road.

As they get out of the car he feels a strangely unsettled feeling in the pit of his stomach that he cannot place.

"Alright, flower?" Thorin smiles, holding up his arm for Kili to take.

"Yes, I think so." Kili threads his arm through his husband's and lets Thorin lead him up the path to meet the estate agent.

As the suited man greets them with an enormous toothpaste smile and unlocks the front door Kili cannot shake off the feeling that this place feels somehow familiar. He cannot think why though. He doesn't know anyone with the wallet to afford a place like this other than Thorin. _Other than rich client like Thorin...._

Kili blinks when he finds Thorin looking at him questioningly, clearly waiting for an answer to a question he had not heard.

"Sorry, what?"

Thorin leans himself in a little and asks quietly, "Are you alright, flower?"

Kili nods but his eyes flit around the enormous house. _I have been here before! I have_ worked _here before!_

Suddenly the suppressed memory hits him like a freight train, the smell, the noise, the feeling. He finds himself grabbing the grabbing the handrail of the stairs hard, stalling on the bottom step. _I cannot live here! I cannot sleep in a bedroom when once I sucked some rich guy's cock whilst his missus was getting her hair done!_

Breathe

Count to ten

Your thoughts are just leaves

Let them float away on the breeze

Put that memory back in its drawer

It's still there but it will not cause you to be upset anymore

"Kili?"

Kili looks up into the bright blue eyes of his lover, full of worry for him.

"I'm alright," Kili says quite firmly. "But I cannot stay here. I'm sorry Thorin, I don't want to buy this house." He steps down again and turns towards the front door. "Could we leave please?" he asks, breathing very consciously. It costs him all his self control not to yank open the door and flee this place. _No more running away!_

"Sure." Thorin is by Kili's side now and puts his arm around him. He turns back to the estate agent who is looking at them in confusion. "We won't be buying this one. We'll have to rearrange the other viewing, my fiance has had a long trip and we need to go home now."

Kili looks up in surprise at Thorin's words. He feels awfully guilty yet hearing Thorin call him his fiance in front of a stranger like that is painting a smile on his and it gives him the strength to shake hands in parting with the agent.

When they are sat back in the car Kili buries his head in his hands.

"You did very well back there," Thorin's warm deep voice rumbles next to him.

"Huh? What?" Kili looks up in confusion. "What do you mean? I totally freaked out!"

"Yes," Thorin nods, brushing his sweetheart's hair out of his face. "I could see that. And yet you stayed calm, you did not run off, you just told me that you wanted to leave and so we did. Well done, my love, I know that must have taken a lot."

Kili lets himself fall into an awkward embrace. "I... That house..." he begins, wanting to explain his pathetic behaviour. But Thorin stills him. "Hush, my lovely. I understand. I can guess what happened. I'm sorry, I didn't know. But you handled it so very well. Let's go somewhere and have a drink and something to eat, hm? And I think looking at houses outside the city is a much better idea."

Kili snorts softly but nods. "Thank you, baby. Let's do that." He wipes his face and puts on his seatbelt, feeling strangely empowered by the situation which before Castle Craig would have ruined him for days.

+++

"Missed this," Thorin whispers in Kili's ear as he spoons him under the duvet.

"Hmm yes," Kili murmurs as he can feel his lover's interest press against his buttocks. He curls up further, just wanting to feel this comfort of being wrapped up in Thorin's strong arms.

Thorin places soft kisses on Kili's shoulder and presses his growing erection a little harder against his cleft. "Would you like to make love?" he purrs softly, his large hand tracing the curvature of Kili's hip.

Kili stills. His instinct is to roll onto his back and spread his cheeks even though he's quite exhausted and after the earlier incident at the property of one of his old client's not particularly in the mood. He begins to move himself in place but then something stops him. "Er... Maybe tomorrow? If you don't mind?" He turns himself so that he can look at Thorin. "S-sorry," he swallows, losing his nerve. "It's not you, it's... I'm tired and... "

"Sssh, my flower," Thorin puts a finger to Kili's soft lips and smiles. ",That’s fine. Tomorrow or whenever we are both in the mood is fine.” He brushes his hand through Kili’s hair, smiling.

“Thank you … I-I am sorry, babe, I'm being such an arse …” Kili feels himself flush, not used at all to turning anyone away for sex, let alone the man he actually loves.

“Kili, don’t apologise,” Thorin says quite seriously this time, resting his forehead against him as his lover has turned himself around now. “If you don’t want to do it right now then we won’t. You have had a long and emotional day and a stressful few weeks.” He looks deep into his lover’s dark eyes. “And I NEVER want us to have sex if you don’t want to. Sex is for both our pleasure. Never just for you to please me or me to please you for that matter. Are we agreed?”

Kili finds his face break into a wide smile. “Yes, agreed, fiance.” He kisses Thorin softly and then snuggles himself into his embrace, resting his head on Thorin’s bare chest. “I love you so. And I am so happy to be home.” _Home. This is home. Thorin’s embrace is my home; a place to feel safe and loved. A place where I can be myself and where I can say no without repercussions. We'll find somewhere that we both love but for now all I need is Thorin's arms around me._ He closes his eyes, feeling a sense of pure contentment and relief settle over him.

Thorin just smiles and squeezes Kili close against him until he can hear his exhausted lover drift off into a deep sleep. _Sleep tight, my love, my beautiful flower. I'm so proud of what you've achieved. Welcome home._

 

 


	56. Jealousy

“I am off to see Ori in an hour,” Kili reminds Thorin as he tucks into a piece of toast and sips his black coffee.

“Okay, I will go to the gym while you do that,” Thorin presses a kiss to his temple as he steps around a meowing Shadow and takes a seat next to Kili at the breakfast bar. “And maybe we can meet at the Bullring later and go shopping?”

“Shopping? For what?” Kili asks curiously whilst chewing.

“Nothing in particular. Just browsing? I could do with some new jeans and maybe a nice shirt for tonight. And we can have lunch somewhere if you’d like?”

Kili begins to chuckle. “Sure.”

“What?”

“Nothing,” the brunet shrugs. “I just think the idea of you _browsing_ sounds funny.”

Thorin frowns as he spoons his breakfast into a bowl. “Why is that funny?”

“Browsing .. that is something that people do who cannot afford to buy the things they look at. You could probably buy the entire shopping centre,” Kili chuckles.

“Oh shut up you,” Thorin swats him around the back of the head. “Am I really such a cash-flashing son-of-a-bitch?”

At that Kili actually spits his sip of coffee across the surface of the bar. “No, you’re not, babe,” he reassures his lover who looks actually mortified, rubbing his forearm. “I am only winding you up.” He presses a kiss on his lips. “Browsing and lunch sounds great, sexy. What time do you want to meet?”

Thorin checks his watch. “One? Don’t forget we’re meeting my mother and Lee tonight.”

“I hadn’t,” Kili says a lot quieter this time and he hunches a little as he thinks about that and feels his stomach churn unpleasantly.

“Oh flower, there is no need to feel anxious," Thorin wraps his arms around his beloved as he can see and sense his worries and cuddles him close a moment. “Just be you, the man I love.”

“I have never met my boyfriend’s mother before,” Kili sighs. “Hell, I have never had a boyfriend before! What if I fuck up? This is my one chance to impress and …”

“Kili,” Thorin interrupts his lover’s ramblings. “Stop that. You will do fine. It is only a meal. My mother is lovely and she is really looking forward to meeting you. And I am sure that you will get on well with Lee. Just relax, alright?”

"Easy for you to say," he mutters, putting down his toast, having lost his appetite. "You have so many interesting things to tell. Me? So what do you do for a living? Nothing. What did you do before. I was a prostitute. Why didn't you meet us before? Because I was in rehab for a drug addiction. Shit babe, she's going to hate me!"

"She won't," Thorin tries to reassure his lover. "I've explained you've had a difficult life too. They won't ask Abby prying questions. People who come from an abusive relationship don't. They know and understand that people have dark secrets that they are not proud of and do not want to talk about."

At that Kili looks into Thorin's grey blue eyes and knows he can trust him on that. "Okay. I'll try not to worry,” he promises.

+++

“KILI!!”

Kili finds his face split into a wide grin as his red-head friend flies around his neck the moment he spots him walk through the door of the coffee shop.

“Hey babe!” Kili grins as he feels the air being squeezes out of his lungs. “Good to see you too.”

“What can I get you?” Ori beams, dragging Kili towards a table.

“Er, a medium latte. And a rocky road,” he adds cheekily, throwing Ori his most charming smile.

“Course babe, whatever you like. My treat,” Ori nods and disappears off to the counter to place the order. When he returns with the drinks and the sweets he grins widely at his friend. “So good to see you. I’ve really missed you. So how was Scotland.”

“Okay,” Kili nods as he takes a large bite of the heavy cake. “Intense. Felt like I was being turned inside out quite a few times.”

“What did you have to do?” Ori chews his shortbread, looking with interest at his best friend.

“All sorts. One to one therapy. Group therapy. Couples therapy. Yeah, let’s just say a lot of therapy,” he laughs.

“Damn, sounds it! Any good though?”

Kili nods. “Yes. Actually, _very_ good. I have learnt a lot. About myself. About my relationships with people, with Thorin. I have learnt to draw my own boundaries and also how to deal with my anger and anxiety in a different way than smoking pot.” He looks up at his friend, shaking his head. “I am sounding like one of them already,” he laughs.

“Sounds like hard work,” Ori smiles through sipping his iced latte. “But I am glad you feel it was worth it.”

Kili nods, suddenly very conscious again of how much his life has changed when Ori is still stuck in the same old rut. “So ehm … how are things with you?” he asks out of politeness.

“Well …” Ori smiles widely to Kili’s surprise, “didn’t Thorin say?”

“Say what?” _Thorin?_ Kili raises an eyebrow at Ori mentioning Thorin’s name full stop. After all the last time he'd seen those two in a room together was at the hospital when Thorin had threatened to string the younger man up by his privates if he'd ever let any harm come to Kili again.

But Ori chatters on quite happily, “Oh, I thought he would have told you all about it already. Well … I am going to go to uni!” Ori beams. "I'm going to finish my degree!"

"Oh wow," Kili smiles in surprise. "Good on you!" _What does that have to do with Thorin though?_ "So what made you decide that?"

"Well Thorin asked me how I ended up working with you so I told him how I needed the cash being a poor student and all. That this guy I knew had said it was easy money for lying on your back for a few hours. But that I got into drugs and stuff and any money I was making ended up going straight to that. And I said that in end I had to drop out of uni and so he asked what I had been studying and said he would set up a fund for me to finish my degree. How amazing is that? He is such a nice guy!” Ori gleams from ear to ear.

Kili works his jaw as he is gobsmacked. _Thorin offered to pay for Ori’s study? Unbelievable! And why had he not said?_ “That’s … great!” he forces a smile. “So ehm …” he tries to ask casually as he pricks his fork into his cake, “when did you see Thorin?”

“Did he not tell you? He asked me over for dinner.” When he sees Kili’s features shift instantly like a thunderstorm, Ori realises just how that and everything else he'd said must sound. “Oh god Kee, it’s nothing like that! Oh shit. Sorry, I was not thinking because … It wasn’t just me. Dwalin and your brother were there too. Thorin wanted to talk to us about your wedding. Oh fuck it, maybe that’s why he had not mentioned it to you, because it was to be a surprise and shit now I have ruined that and you are now thinking all sorts and …”

“Breathe!” Kili grabs his friend’s wrist as he is at the point of hyperventilating.

Ori does as ordered, taking a deep gulp of breath. “I am sorry, Kee, I should think before I speak,” he apologises. “I was just excited to tell you. No-one has ever done anything so nice for me before. But there is nothing going on, please don’t think that.”

“I don’t,” Kili shakes his head. _Well, maybe that thought crossed my mind for just a moment there,_ he admits silently to himself. But he knows neither Thorin nor Ori would ever do that to him. Besides -and he knows that's an arrogant thought and not very nice towards his best friend, but his jealous brain thinks it anyway-he doesn't think Thorin would fall for someone like Ori. He's a sweety, but not the most handsome guy in the world and not really Thorin's type, Kili feels sure. _Thorin would not pick him over me! Or would he? After all you were not around for six weeks. Thorin has needs... STOP IT!_

He fixes his gaze onto his cake again and he picks it up and takes a large bite. "That's ace," he says with a mouthful, forcing some enthusiasm into his voice. "And really nice of Thorin. We've been looking at houses," he adds immediately, knowing that that statement is now as much about telling Ori his own good news as it is a  statement of possession. _He's mine. He's looking to buy a house for_ us _to live_ **together forever** _. Keep your hands off him!_ He grins inwardly at his childish insecurities, but he finds it difficult to shake them.

"Oh wow! You're so lucky!" Ori smiles genuinely, quite oblivious to Kili's little green devil, just grateful that his friend seems to not be pissed with him. Then his face drops a little. "You're not moving away are you? I mean like far away?"

At that Kili smiles as he takes Ori's hand and gives it a squeeze. "Definitely not so far that we can't grab a coffee together like this," he promises. "And Thorin seems intent on buying a frigging castle so you and the rest of the city can all come and stay with us!" he laughs. "Anyway, how are things back at the club? How's Leggers? Any gossip?" Kili enquires after the news of what what has happened during his absence and he listens to Ori bring him up to date with all the latest of Spartacus' boys.

+++

Thorin grins as he sees Kili walk towards him with determined step. “Hello gorgeous,” he beams as he as he steps up to his lover in greeting. He takes his face between his large hands and presses a soft kiss on his lips, ignoring the sneers from a nearby group of youths as he takes his hand. “How was Ori?”

“Yeah good,” Kili smiles, holding his fiance’s hand tight. He had managed to largely get over his jealous fit but although he tries his hardest not to throw the question that’s burning on his tongue straight before his lover’s feet he cannot help himself when he just has to say, “He told me you’re going to pay for his education.”

Thorin smiles, nodding, quite oblivious to Kili’s undertone. “We have discussed it, yes. Where do you want to go for lunch, lover? There’s Cafe Rouge? Or the Food Market in the shopping mall.”

Kili shrugs. “Yeah, fine.”

Thorin stops and turns to his lover. “That was not an answer to the question. Are you alright, flower?” he asks, cocking his head at the frown on Kili’s brow.

“Yeah, I’m good,” Kili drags Thorin towards the first option he’d mentioned. “Let’s just go here, I am starving.”

Thorin lets himself be pulled towards a table in front of the establishment. He picks up the menu, but looks over it at his lover instead. “I thought you would like that news,” he says softly. “But you seem upset about it?”

“I am not upset about it!” Kili growls, a little too loudly, earning him a few head turns and a raised eyebrow from Thorin.

“I see,” Thorin says curtly, now scanning the menu although his appetite has vanished in an instant.

“You see what?” Kili leans forward, feeling his temper flare now. “I am finding out from my friend that you are going to fork out thousands for his degree and that you have had him over for dinner whilst I was away. And you didn’t think to mention any of this to me? The last time you two saw each other you practically threatened to kill him! Makes me wonder what has changed,” he spits.

Thorin stares at Kili, gobsmacked. He carefully thinks over his words and then says quietly, “I wanted you to hear it from Ori. I tried to do something nice for someone who I know means a lot to you. But I can see now you do not see it that way.” He can feel his own temper prickle but he pushes it down, not wanting to ruin this afternoon or have a blazing row in public. “I might have the Croque Madam,” he states putting the menu back on the table.

Kili frowns, unable to make a choice of food whilst his emotions are so high. He can't let this thing go just like that. “I just don’t understand why you kept it from me. Sounds like you were trying to hide something from me,” he gets to the truth of his upset now.

“Hide something from you?” Thorin cannot help but laugh a little at that. But when he sees Kili’s genuine hurt he softens to him. “Oh come on, my lovely, there is nothing going on if that’s what you’re hinting at. I did not tell you because I wanted Ori to be able to tell you his news first, I thought it would be nice. And also …” he reaches for Kili’s hand, “I did not want it to come across as if I am trying to buy out your friends. I genuinely wanted to do something nice for your friend, but I also know he’s a strong influence on you and if I can just help him climb out of his problems with something as simple as giving him the financial means to finish his studies … I just thought that you might see it as me sticking my nose in again and I hoped if maybe you saw Ori’s enthusiasm first you would agree it was not me forcing him to do it …” He sighs. “I am sorry if that gave you the wrong impression, my flower.”

Kili feels his anger subside instantly and he rubs Thorin’s hand. “I am sorry too,” he says quietly, letting his head hang a little as he feels a little silly now in his jealous assumptions. “I overreacted. I just …” He shrugs. “I don’t know,” he snorts. “I guess I just want your attention all to myself.”

Thorin smiles as he leans forward and presses a kiss on Kili’s hand. “You are quite adorable when you are jealous,” he grins. “I am flattered. And I am sorry that I gave you any cause for doubt; in hindsight I probably should have told you. Do you forgive me?”

Kili laughs and nods. “Yeah.” He leans closer and whispers, “Although you have some making up to do later.”

“I do?” Thorin grins wickedly. “Well then I will. I will make sure there is no doubt in your mind that you are the man I desire,” he whispers under his breath giving his lover a little promising wink.

“Good,” Kili grins happily, looking at the menu now, as his appetite for food - and other things - has returned.

+++

“Well? What do you think? Is it what you had in mind?”

Kili stares at the ring on his finger, his eyes wide as saucers. “It’s … it’s amazing … It’s perfect.” He had not given it a second thought when Thorin had suggested to go shopping in town. It had not even crossed his mind that his fiance’s real intention was to pick up their bespoke ordered wedding rings. Now he wriggles his fingers in shock that the beautiful precious jewel really will be his to wear in a week’s time. He raises his eyes to meet Thorin’s, whose blue orbs are sparkling back at him.

“Is it to your satisfaction, Mr Oakenshield?” the jeweler asks with a smile as Kili’s expression is not hard to read.

“Very much so,” Thorin nods, taking his own off and handing it back to the gentleman. He looks to Kili who is still admiring the ring from all angles. “I am afraid you are going to have to hand it back for now, flower,” he says softly in his ear. “We should not wear these until we are properly married.”

Kili looks in his eyes and pouts a little as he slides the beautiful silvery ring off his finger again. “I guess …” He hands the ring to the salesman with a sigh.

“Not long now,” the man laughs a little. “I am glad the finished designs meets your approval.”

“It’s stunning,” Kili admits, looking longingly at the little velvet box in which the man places both his and Thorin’s ring. “Thank you,” he mouths to Thorin, brushing his hand.

But as the jeweller rings the purchase through the till Kili almost chokes at the price tag. “Jesus, I had no idea it was going to be _that_ much!” he whispers to Thorin as they leave the little jewellery shop again. “That’s outrageous!”

“It’s white and yellow gold,” Thorin laughs softly. “Of course it was going to be expensive, but we will wear these for the rest of our lives.” He kisses Kili’s cheek and wraps his arm around his waist. “I am happy you loved them so much.”

“Now I am just petrified to lose it,” Kili mumbles but he leans into Thorin’s side. “We really come from different planets, you and I,” he smiles softly. “And I feel utterly spoilt.”

“Well, why don’t you spoil me with a nice cup of coffee somewhere?” Thorin smiles at his fiance, rubbing the back of his hand. “That and your company would make me very happy right now.”

+++

They'd spent the rest of the afternoon browsing, as Thorin had suggested and also buying, like Kili had hinted that they would. But it was for a good cause Thorin had said. He wanted Kili to feel good about himself in a nice new pair of jeans, a plain white t-shirt and a checkered shirt over the top.

"You look beautiful," Thorin purrs in his ear as he checks himself out in his new clothes in front of their bedroom mirror.

"And sexy," Kili adds cheekily. He whizzes around and presses himself against Thorin.

"Yes and very sexy," Thorin moans a little at the gesture. It had been a long few weeks since Edinburgh when they'd last been intimate and the unexpected rub against his groin is stirring his interest almost immediately. "We're running too late to be doing this," he grumbles  at the inconvenience.

But Kili just chuckles. "Doing what, baby? I'm just showing off my new clothes," he innocently flutters his eyelashes then steps back, giving Thorin an air kiss before he disappears into the living room leaving his lover somewhat befuddled.

When Thorin appears in the living room Kili is feeding Shadow. "Ready, sexy flower?" he smiles, pulling his hair into a ponytail.

"Yup," Kili nods, pushing down his nerves. He grabs his wallet and keys. "Want me to drive? You can have a glass of wine if you'd like," he offers.

"You're an angel," Thorin kisses him softly. He notices Kili's smokes on the side and picks them up, handing them to him.

But Kili shakes his head. "Haven't you noticed that I quit?" he laughs.

Thorin smiles. "Well … I did wonder, but I didn't want to ask in case I got it wrong... " he says, putting the pouch in a drawer. "Wouldn't be the first time that I assumed something incorrectly.” He beams at Kili, however, brushing his long hair behind his ear. “Well done, sweetheart, that's amazing."

Kili shrugs. "They offered it there as part of the program. Didn't want our new house to smell of fags. Besides I know it doesn't taste very nice when we're snogging," he purrs again, kissing Thorin's neck. "Shall we go?"

"That’s such a sweet gesture,” Thorin grins, pushing up his chin and pressing their lips together. “My lovely, special man. And yes, I think we best had. Before we end up being _really_ late ...."


	57. Change of Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Draconizuka who is having a tough time. Hope this makes you smile, my friend.

Kili gives his brightest, loveliest smile as he is introduced to the older woman with dark long hair painted with lots of silver. The first thing that strikes him are her eyes, which are so similar to Thorin's, not just in colour but in the way they observe him deeply. Not in an invasive, freaky kind of a way like some people do. But just with a seemingly genuine interest in him.

“So very lovely to meet you, Kili,” the woman smiles shyly, holding out her hand. “I am Amata. Thorin’s mum,” she says softly, but proudly as she shakes his hand. She glances over his shoulder at her oldest son.

“It is a pleasure to meet you, ma’am,” Kili smiles back. He notes the handshake is warm if gentle.

"Please, please, come in," the woman takes a step back to allow Kili to pass her as she hugs her son. "Thank you so much for coming," she smiles at him, tenderly stroking his soft beard.

"Thank you for having us," Thorin smiles back as he steps inside too.

"Please, sit down. I hope you don't mind the mess, I have not had much time to tidy up," Amata flusters. "Lee? They're here, are you coming down?" she calls up the stairs and then with a smile back to Thorin and Kili. "Would you like a cup of tea?"

They each give their order of how they drink their tea and watch her rush off again.

"What mess?" Kili grins at Thorin as he looks around the spotless little house.

Thorin chuckles. "She's nervous. She wants to make a good impression."

 _On me?_ Kili thinks somewhat bewildered. Now there is an alien concept!

They both look up when a tall and sleek blond young man appears in the doorway. "Hi," he says raising his hand in greeting as the other stays firmly in his jeans pocket. Kili notes his slightly hunched stance as if he wants to apologise to the world for being too tall.

"Hi Lee," Thorin gets to his feet, trying to settle the awkwardness in the room. "Nice to see you again. This is my fiancé, Kili." He motions as Kili too gets to his feet and holds out his hand again.

"Hi. I'm Lee," the blond says softly but his handshake is firm. "Nice to meet you, " he adds, remembering his manners.

"Nice to meet you too," Kili smiles back at the shy young man. He looks nothing like Thorin, he observes. Apart from his eyes, the same grey blue. Of course they're only half-brothers. And Kili assumes that the tall youth gets his looks from his father as he certainly does not take after his mother.

They all sit down as Amata returns with a tray full of tea mugs. "I didn't bring any biscuits as dinner will be ready soon," she apologises as she hands around the mugs. "I've made a beef Stifado as I wasn't sure if you like lamb."

"It's a sort of Greek beef stew," Thorin smiles at his sweetheart.

"But nicer," Amata jokes but immediately flushes fiercely at being so brazen about her cooking skills. "I hope you'll like it," she adds shyly.

"It's amazing," Lee states firmly. He'd been so quiet Kili had almost forgotten he was even there. "Mum is an amazing cook!" he adds almost fiercely as if he needs to defend her against some criticism that no-one had uttered. But Kili can understand that attitude, that automatic defence even before an offence is launched. After all he'd spent a lifetime doing the same and recently weeks trying to see that pattern of behaviour and break it.

"She is," Thorin smiles from his half-brother to his mother. "You'll love it flower. Kili is a brilliant cook too," he beams.

"You flatter," Kili snorts but feels happy about the compliment as he sips his tea.

"Oh that's good!" Amata smiles warmly. "It's so lovely to finally meet you, Thorin has told us so much about you!" she says enthusiastically, trying very hard to make Kili like her and her other son. She has a lot to make up for to Thorin after all.

"Has he? Like what?" Kili asks in surprise. He didn't mean for it to come out quite like that and regrets it as he sees the woman fluster.

"Er, well he told us about your wedding. And that you're looking at houses together..."

 _Nothing actually about me then. Well no, there is nothing to tell._ He smiles politely, but that smile does not extend to his eyes.

"And I told you about the fact that Kili likes to draw. And that he recently became an uncle of a very sweet girl," Thorin tries to rescue the situation.

"Yes, he did," Amata nods. "So what do you do? Were you abroad for your work?" she enquires politely.

Both Kili and Thorin feel themselves tense. And simultaneously they respond, "No."

Amata looks in confusion between her son and his fiancé as they seem to exchange some awkward glances.

"Kili has been to visit friends," Thorin tries to offer Kili a way out but to his surprise his lover frowns angrily at him and then lowers his gaze. Thorin can see he's doing that thing of rubbing his thumb and forefinger together. It's a subtle gesture and no-one else would have noticed it but Kili had explained it's one of the things he'd been taught as a soothing gesture if he felt anxious, instead of harming or drugging himself. "Would you give us a moment, mother?" he asks.

"Oh yes of course!" his mother is already on her feet. "Come and give me a hand laying the table, please Lee," she turns to her other son even though she'd already finished that task an hour ago. But the quiet, tall youth understands the hint and follows her out of the room.

Thorin turns to Kili to ask him if he's alright but before he has a chance to form any words Kili sobs, "I don't want to lie! Why do we have to lie? Am I just going to have to pretend that the last thirty years of my life never happened? I'm not ashamed of what I did! Are you?"

Thorin is speechless for a moment at the sight of Kili's tears. His lover is quick to anger but not quick to show his emotions that rawly. "No," he says softly, wiping away the tears with his thumb. "I'm absolutely not ashamed of anything that either of us did." He gives Kili a soft kiss on his stubbly cheek and takes his hand. " _You_ didn't want to tell it all just yet, remember. You wanted my mother and Lee to get to know you first. But if you've changed your mind... "

"I have," Kili states firmly with a sniff.

"Okay," Thorin nods, feeling a little surprised by this turn of events. "That's fine. May I ask why?" he caresses Kili's cheek.

"I want them to take me as I am. They're going to be family. I don't want them to like me as something I'm not and then find out after that it was all a lie. And then for them to hate me. Like my mum does. Is-is that okay?"

Thorin hesitates just a moment. "You want to tell all of it? Including how we met?"

Kili turns his head and lowers his long eyelashes. "You're ashamed of how we met."

"No, I'm not," this time Thorin is the one to make a stern statement as he grabs Kili's chin and carefully turns him to look at him. "Just telling my mum and step brother that I took to have paid gay sex... Well, it's not exactly a conversation I'd planned to have over dinner. But!" he stresses when Kili frowns again, "that's a difficulty I have with something _I_ did, not you. And even if my dating methods were unconventional, the result is beautiful," he smiles and brushes his lips against Kili’s.

"Thanks." Kili smiles softly and gives Thorin a chaste kiss on his lips.

"Come then, we shouldn't let our host wait," Thorin gets up with a little sigh. He has no idea how to broach this subject now. It really isn't a dinner conversation and he curses the fact that they had not discussed this properly beforehand. But then again Kili had said he didn't want to tell just yet.

He forces a smile on his face though as they walk into the dining room. "I'm really sorry to keep you waiting,” he smiles apologetically to his mother.

Kili cringes, regretting his whirlwind of emotions now, sensing the awkward tension in the air as it feels like everyone is staring at him, wondering what on earth the matter is.

But Amata just smiles. “No, not at all. Please sit down. Dinner is ready. Can I get you a drink?”

When Thorin asks for a coke Kili frowns. “I said I’d drive,” he says under his breath.

But Thorin shakes his head and gives him a soft smile. “I know, and I’d still like you too, but I fancy a coke.” _And if after the conversation we are about to have you get too upset to drive back then I can still do so,_ he adds to himself as he folds his napkin onto his lap, nodding in thanks to his mother.

Kili bites his lip. He can sense Thorin’s undertone, but he does not want to ruin this evening any more than he feels he already has. He smiles unsurely at Lee who gives him an equally shy smile back. He hasn’t been this visible self-conscious for a very long time; normally hiding behind a mask of either self-assured flirtatiousness or aggressive distrust. But this is a completely unfamiliar situation. Having dinner with his lover’s family … And he has no idea how to behave.

“I thought perhaps we could talk a bit about the wedding,” Thorin smiles as he plates up from the steaming dishes in the middle of the table. “And then after dinner Kili and I would like to tell you a bit more about how we got together.”

“Oh yes, that would be lovely,” Amata smiles happily at the pair of them and Kili can feel his cheeks burn, wondering really of this was such a good idea after all, but it is too late now in any case.

Dinner is truly delicious as Lee had said it would be. And the casual conversation about their upcoming wedding flows easily enough. Kili is finally able to relax a little and he feels remarkable comfortable in the presence of Thorin’s mother and half-brother. Lee is quietly spoken, but once they discover a shared passion about drawing they are soon talking as if they have known each other for years about drawing classes. And already Lee promises Kili that he can help him improve his techniques.

Desert of a light lemon mousse finishes the meal off perfectly. When Thorin offers to tidy things away, he and Kili are shooed into the living room with an “absolutely not, you are my guests!” from Amata and a while later they are sat on the sofa with a strong cup of coffee each.

“So … we wanted to talk to you about how I met Kili …” Thorin says, feeling very nervous all of a sudden and already regretting agreeing to this.

Kili puts his hand on Thorin’s leg. “You don’t have to,” he whispers as much under his breath as he can, sensing his lover’s conundrum and feeling guilty.

But Thorin wraps his large hand over his, squeezing. “It feels a bit awkward to say this,” he coughs a little, “and you will understand why when I do. But it is important that you know. Kili will be your son-in-law soon. We want to have no secrets."

Kili realises he's holding his breath whilst Thorin talks. He tries to read Amata and Lee but whilst he is an expert at reading certain emotions and feelings in people here he's at a loss.

"Sure," the dark haired woman smiles nervously.

"It's nothing bad. Just... unconventional," Thorin paints a smile. He brings Kili's hand to his lips placing a quick kiss there before he continues. "I was a very lonely man after my divorce. I'd admitted to the world that I was gay but I think I was still struggling to admit it to myself. Kili... " He looks to the young man by his side and smiles lovingly at him. "Kili was able to help me come to terms with my sexuality."

"I was a prostitute," Kili blurts out when Thorin seems to be struggling to get his point across.

A moment of silence descends on the room. Lee looks flustered and Amata looks shocked.

"I didn't want you to know first," Kili continues now, desperate to do the silence. "I thought you'd be ashamed of me. Wouldn't want me as your son in law. Like my mother hates me for what I did."

"Oh Kili," Amata says softly, seeing the hurt in the young man's eyes.

"I've left now. Thorin helped me," Kili continues at a quick pace afraid that if he stops talking now he'll never open his mouth again. "I'm devoted to him. Thorin saved me from that world. He got me into rehab. That's why I was abroad. I owe my life to him and I love him so much." He looks to Thorin now, choking up. "I love you, Thorin."

"And I love you, my flower," Thorin smiles, brushing Kili's face. "You've worked so hard. And you've got such a big heart. You've given me so much love back." He presses a kiss to the engagement ring on Kili's finger. "That is why I want you to be my husband."

"Kili," Amata says softly after a long silence between the four of them, "I made some very bad decisions in my life. You make my son happy, was there for him when I was not. Who am I to judge your life when I failed so miserably at my own? All I wish for my boys is happiness and someone who will love and respect them. As long as you do that ..." she too chokes up now, "...I will be proud to call you my son too."

Kili cannot hold back the tears in his eyes when he gets up and hugs the elderly woman. "Thank you. Thank you so much. I promise you I will love Thorin and do everything I can to make him as happy as he makes me."

+++

"Are you okay?"

Kili had been unusually quiet on the way home as he'd driven them back to their apartment.

"Yes!" Kili looks up at him with a smile and he takes both his hands in his. "I'm relieved. Your family are so nice! Thank you for everything. I want to get married now!"

"Right now?" Thorin laughs. "Just a couple more days, flower. I'm glad you liked my family. And they really liked you too."

"I've never felt like this before. Like I belong. Like I'm somebody. I feel … at peace,” Kili smiles, sighing into Thorin’s embrace. “I cannot remember the last time I felt so worry free. Without any alcohol or drugs. I love you, my Thorin. You are so good to me.”

Thorin smiles, cuddling Kili closer. “And you are to me. And …” he whispers into Kili’s long hair, “I believe I have an outstanding debt to pay.”

“Yes! You do!” Kili beams at that and then squeals when Thorin lifts him into the air. “I love it when you show off how strong you are. Show me the stars, tiger.”

“Rawr!” Thorin nips at his lover’s neck as he carries him towards their bedroom, making Kili burst into a fit of giggles.

“So, Mr Oakenshield-to-be,” Thorin grins at his lover as he displays him onto the bed for him, “any requests?”

“No,” Kili shakes his head wildly, his curls bouncing softly against the pillows. “Just have your wicked way with me. I love everything you do to me, fiancé.”

“I see. Well …” Thorin begins to unbutton his own shirt, keeping Kili pinned underneath him, “in that case I think I will start with a little bit of a show. Now remember that I am really bad at this so if I am turning you off rather than on I apologise in advance.” He shuffles himself off the bed now, unbuttoning the rest of his shirt before he lets it fall open. “Like what you see, sir?” he purrs in his deep voice full of promises.

“Damn, yes!” Kili grins widely. “I like this a lot!” He points at his lover’s crotch. “Belt next. Can I touch myself?”

“I insist!” Thorin gleams, slowly pulling his belt out of the loops of his jeans. His cock is growing with anticipation as he watches Kili unbutton his own trousers and slide his hand down his boxers. “Are you hard for me already, my pretty flower?”

“A little,” Kili teases, licking his lips.

“A little? I guess I have my work cut out.” Thorin pulls open the top button of his jeans and lets his finger run inside the elastic of his briefs.

“You do. I want a full on show, babe.”

Thorin begins to hum the tune to The Stripper as he opens the other buttons of his trousers, which makes Kili giggle even more. “I love it when you are playful, sexy.”

Thorin turns himself around, wiggling his arse for his fiancé as he slowly lowers the jeans. He remembers doing this for Kili once before very early on in their relationship when he had taken Kili to the holiday cottage. He had felt awkward, silly doing this then. Now he feels almost sexy, in a playful kind of way. He lets the jeans fall to the floor and turns himself round again, standing in his open shirt, his briefs in his socks. “Which bit next, mister?”

Kili bites his finger as he slides his eyes down his lover’s frame. “Briefs. And then I want you here. There is something awfully sexy about having you in your socks in shirt and nothing else.”

“You dirty boy,” Thorin laughs, but he does as ordered and slides down his underwear, revealing his semi-hard on.

“Hm, come here, my superhot man,” Kili beckons his lover who now crawls back onto the bed with him. He lets his hands roam over Thorin’s broad chest, playing with the curls around his nipples.

“You are wearing far too many clothes still.” Thorin pulls Kili’s fly down, sliding his hand where Kili’s had been before. “We’re getting there,” he grins, taking Kili’s mouth in a deep long kiss. The other answers eagerly, letting his tongue explore his mouth with increasing passion.

“Fuck me,” Kili groans needily.

“Not yet,” Thorin whispers back. He sits back on his haunches again and begins to pull Kili’s trousers down. “I promised to remind you that you are still my man. The only one for me,” he says huskily, revealing all of Kili’s lower half in one. “And I intend to do a good job of it.”

“Good!” Kili appraises and then squeals again when Thorin folds his legs backwards against his chest, pushing his backside up into the air. “Oh, Mr Oakenshield!”

“Yes my love?” Thorin smiles innocently, before sticking out his tongue and licking a long wet stripe across Kili’s pucker and perineum.

“Fuck!”

“I said not yet!”

“That …!” Kili swallows any words that might have followed in a wanton moans as Thorin stabs his tongue into his hole without any warning. “Jesus, fuck! YES!”

Thorin feels his own cock harden fully as he tongue-fucks into his horny lover. He loves giving Kili this treat; something so very intimate and so very erotic. Kili writhes and moans and pants as he sucks at his rim, his hands under his backside to keep him elevated and allow ample access.

Kili claws his hands into Thorin’s hair and the duvet all at once, thrashing his head from side to side at the onslaught. This is heaven! He loves how Thorin has grown so confident into their sexual relationship, knowing exactly how to please him and not hesitating to give him everything he desires. “Yes! Love that! Babe! Nngh!”

Thorin continues his foreplay, interchanging his tongue with a thick slicked finger now too, slowly opening his lover for him. His mouth explores all their is to enjoy down there, licking around that rose, then nipping at the soft taut skin of Kili’s sack and around the base of his straining cock. “Enjoying that, my lovely one?” he mutters through his mouth work.

“Yes! Yes, so much!” Kili grabs his dick into his hand and pulls fervently at it, feeling his wetness already coat his swollen cockhead. “More! Want to come!”

“Like this?”

“YES!”

“Okay.” Thorin digs his tongue deep into that furrow again, pushing a finger inside also, licking with even more energy now, fingering Kili too towards his peak. He pulls back his tongue for a moment to feel for his hotspot, brushing over that special place and watching Kili flush pink in an instant.

“My god …” Kili pulsates around Thorin’s finger, his cock trembling in his hand. “Close! Fuck!”

“Come then, my gorgeous man,” Thorin encourages before plunging his tongue into that rose again.

“YES!” Kili throws back his head and groans loudly as he feels his seed spill hotly into his fist and across his stomach and t-shirt. Thorin is still inside him with that wicked tongue, even though he is thrashing now, feeling each pulse of his rapid orgasm hit him like lightening. “YES! THORIN!” he utters breathlessly, one last shudder running all the way up his spine before he slumps back down. “My god … Thorin, that was …”

But he lover doesn’t give him a chance to catch his breath. Already Thorin has wrestled himself out of his shirt and grabbed for the lube and is slicking up his own throbbing cock and a moment later Kili is stretched wide by that soft crown entering him.

“Love to fuck you when you are wasted like this,” Thorin rumbles with desire as he bends over Kili and crashes his mouth against his.

Kili’s eyes fly open wide in surprise at Thorin’s forwardness. He is unable to speak as Thorin’s dirty tongue is down his throat now. _Fuck!_ He has no choice but to let all of this wash over him with complete surrender to pleasure.

Thorin feels Kili meet him with his hips, inviting him in deeper. He pushes forward slowly but purposefully, feeling that warm tight heat slide around his cock inch by inch, each movement sending sparks into every part of his body. “Love you. My flower. You’re so hot.” He murmurs into his lover’s mouth.

“Love you … too. Thorin. Make me feel so good,” Kili pants back. He wraps his legs around his lover’s pulling him in to the hilt. They groan in unison as Thorin bottoms out inside him, filling his channel with his thick hot sword.

Thorin rolls his hips again, holding Kili’s head by the top of his neck with one hand whilst the other strokes his lover’s hip. “Beautiful. My beautiful Kili. You make me feel so good.”

“Yes. Love to feel you inside of me. Love your pretty cock. Ride into me, lover. Remind me what a good lover you are. Want to feel you deep inside of me.”

“Oh my, Kee,” Thorin groans at Kili’s debauchery. “Love it when you talk dirty.” He empathises his words with a firm thrust, making his lover whine wantonly.

"Mm, love to talk about your big hard cock thrusting into me YES!" Kili moans and yells as Thorin pounds him. "Give it me, baby. Yes! More! Oh Thorin!" His sensitive insides, swollen from his own orgasm, are throbbing around Thorin's cock. His own shaft has barely softened as it's trapped between them.

Thorin moves his hands now so to give himself some push back. Each drag in and out of that pliant heat is rapidly increasing his heartbeat. "Want to come in you, flower," he groans deeply.

"Yes, my baby," Kili beams. He meets Thorin's thrusts now, pushing his hips up and rolling them back. Contracting his inner muscles around Thorin's dick. He hasn't lost his skill yet. He sucks his finger into his mouth and brings it to Thorin's backside, teasing his rim.

"In!" Thorin orders, wriggling against that digit. "Please, Kili!"

Almost as soon as the tip of Kili's finger awkwardly enters his backside he reaches his climax, shooting his seed deep into his lover's beckoning body. "Yes! Oh Kee, baby, my... Oh..." he thrusts again. And then shudders, legs turning to jelly, the throbs of his orgasm still pulsing through his cock. "Oh Kili... " he says softer then, stroking the strands of hair from his sweetheart's sweaty brow.

"You're gorgeous like that," Kili grins. "All hot and sweaty and wasted." He pulls his lover to, pressing their lips together. "Love you, sexy."

"Love you back, flower," Thorin whispers, nuzzling Kili's neck for a moment before he slowly rolls off him.

"That was nice," Kili hums happily.

"Just nice?" Thorin raises an eyebrow.

"Very nice," Kili grins. "Okay, fucking amazing, my stallion!" he laughs when Thorin still looks unimpressed.

"That's more like it," he older lover grins, cuddling the sleek brunet close.

"Thank you. And for the wonderful evening too. I'm so glad your family like me. And that your mum was okay with everything. You think Lee was okay too? He was very quiet..."

"Lee has had a lot to deal with too," Thorin says softly, stroking Kili's damp hair. "I think he didn't really know what to say. But I don't think he has an issue with you or me or us. I think it will take a while for him to come out of his shell."

Kili nods. "Yes and I think he will. I just cannot believe that a year ago I pretty much consider myself without family. Next week I will not only have my brother, my sister in law and my niece but I will have a whole new family too."

"Life takes some funny turns," Thorin smiles, "and none of us will ever understand why things happen to us the way they do. But it does feel like we've both finally found our path to happiness. And I'm just happy we're walking it together."

"Me too," Kili yawns blissfully. "You, me and Shadow," he grins as the little black cat jumps onto the bed and lies on his feet.

"My lovely little family," Thorin yawns too and closes his eyes, breathing in the smell of their sex and happiness alike.


	58. Bachelor Party

He knows he should get up, have a shower and get ready for work. But he decides to have just a few more minutes. Just like he told himself three times already since he woke up this morning. It's too tempting though, too comfortable. Watching Kili sleep, messy auburn curls fanned across his pillow, plump lips slightly parted, beautiful long lashes fluttering occasionally against his high cheek bones. _He's such a beautiful man,_ Thorin thinks happily. _And he's with me_. In just a few days they are going to tie the knot in front of their few friends and family; commit themselves to each other for the rest of their lives. He feels a smile tug at the corner of his mouth. Over the last few months he's had many doubts. Whether he was doing the right thing. Whether he was being rash and blinded by love. Whether Kili was truly in love with him or just had let Thorin 'rescue' him like a kicked puppy at a shelter. But those doubts have evaporated now as he watches the genuine peace in his lover's face. The mask of the young man who had once sold sexual pleasure now fully removed for the true Kili to surface. And he loves that man even more than the one he'd first met.

"Hey," Kili yawns. He is surprised to find Thorin still in bed, staring at him. "Don't you have to go to work, babe?"

"I do. But watching you sleep is more interesting." Thorin smiles, brushing his hand through those soft curls and along Kili's stubbly jawline. "You looked so happy."

"I am happy," Kili smiles back and snuggles up against Thorin's chest, snaking his hand around his torso. "Mmm, can we stay here then? You're so comfy."

Thorin glances at the clock. "Five more minutes. Then I really need to go and have a shower."

"How about two more minutes and then we can have three minutes of shower sex?" Kili grins up at his man, curling his leg over Thorin's to press his morning erection against his thigh.

Thorin's eyes grow wide and his smile wider. "Did you have nice dreams, my love?"

"Very. Something about your tongue buried in my ass," Kili purrs, his fingers circling one of Thorin's nipples which perks up at his touch. "Although thinking about it now, I don't think that was just a dream ..."

"Well, you thought my eye was straying," Thorin arches up into the teasing touch. "So I had to remind you which I think is the finest ass in England."

"The world," Kili states firmly.

"There's nothing wrong with your auto perception."

"My what now? Those are far too big words for this early in the morning when I'm dying for a fag." Kili pushes himself upright, letting his long hair trail down his back. "Let's fuck then so I can put something else in my mouth instead," he yawns again.

"You dirty little git," Thorin laughs but he throws back the duvet at that invitation nonetheless.

Thorin slaps Kili's bare backside as he beats him to the shower. "You're unusually awake this early..." Then he remembers. "You're going to give your statement today, I'm so sorry I completely forgot." He grabs Kili, turning him around so that he can softly kiss his lips. "Are you sure you don't want me to come with you?"

Kili shakes his head. "Fili will look after me. He really wants to do this for me; I think it's important for him too. For closure."

"Okay, I understand."

"Can we not talk about it right now though." Kili reaches out to turn on the shower, pulling Thorin into the large enclosure with him. "You're making me go floppy when I had such grand plans to keep my mind off things." He indicates with a pout to his wilting cock.

Thorin can't help but laugh. "Alright then my gorgeous man. You wanted something in your mouth ..." He takes his own member into the palm of his hand, wiggling it invitingly at his lover.

At that Kili giggles. "You should try your hand at stripping. After last nights show and now this...."

"There's only one person who gets to see this!" Thorin frowns and then pulls Kili hard against him under the warmth of the shower, devouring his mouth.

"Three minutes, baby," Kili murmurs into the snog.

"I might just have to forgo breakfast," Thorin grins and gasps in pleasure as Kili sinks to his knees and takes his cock deep into his mouth. He leans back against the tiled wall, warmed by the running water. Kili's eager agile tongue already slithering over his crown, pressing into his slit. "Jesus..."

"What?" Kili smiles up innocently as he pumps Thorin's length into an aching hardness.

"Good... You're... You're going for it."

"We've not got that long and I still want to bend you over for me," Kili purrs sweetly.

Thorin coughs and bucks when Kili deepthroats him again. "I ... I see ... Oh yes, flower!" He digs his fingers into Kili's wet curls, gently guiding his bobbing head as he fucks softly between those beautiful lips. He leans his head back against the wall again and closes his eyes as Kili expertly sucks him to a quick peak. His buttocks are clenching in anticipation, his thighs quivering under the tensing of his muscles.

"Oh my!" his eyes spring open again when a finger prods into his cleft and inches into his entrance. "K-Kee!" he stutters followed by a deep moan when his lover rubs his prostate with just the right amount of pressure to make him come hard. His head drops forward, strands of wet curls falling into his face as he shoots his seed down his lover's throat with a grunt. He can feel Kili's hand fondling his sack, whilst at the same time pushing him back against the finger inside him. And it's all pleasure and coming to the point of wanting to pass out and shout all at once.

Kili swallows and licks his lips and grins a dirty grin up at Thorin. "I'm sorted for breakfast," he winks, gently pulling back his finger making Thorin groan again and then chuckle. He grabs lover's hips, pulling himself to his feet and then turns Thorin around.

"Kili, gentle..." Thorin pleads, feeling a little worried about Kili taking him with so little preparation.

"Have I ever not been gentle?" Kili kisses his back as his hands are caressing his backside.

Thorin smiles at that. "No. You're the perfect gentleman and the perfect lover," he admits.

"Mmmm, you make me want to do such dirty things to you," Kili purrs against Thorin's wet skin. His one hand rubs circles across his lover's broad back whilst the other kneads his buttocks, his thumb teasing the pink rose between them. He loves the little flutters against the pad of his thumb accompanied by Thorin's soft groans.

"S-such as?" Thorin's whole body is buzzing with sensitive excitement.

Kili presses his thumb into that inviting place. "Such as pushing my fingers deep inside your lovely little hole," he whispers heatedly. "And when you're all open for me to put my prick in there."

All the dirty talk and those wicked fingers playing with his most intimate place make Thorin whine softly, pleading Kili to continue, to take him and fulfill all those delicious promises.

Still he gasps when he feels that soft pink cockhead, lathered in soap, stretch him open further. He squeezes his eyes shut, letting the warm water and Kili's sweet murmurings and touches relax him. He can feel his lover inch deeper inside him, each slow thrust stretching him wider, discomfort giving way to that strange pleasure.

"Are you okay?" Kili asks as he pushes in the last little bit.

"Yes ... I think so... " Thorin holds on awkwardly to the bench which is a little too low for him but he can manage.

"You look beautiful like this, babe. Bend over and stretched around my cock... "

"Kili, shit, Jesus...!" Despite his barely waned orgasm Thorin can feel the interest rekindle between his legs at those words.

He whimpers as Kili slowly begins to fuck him, little gentle movements at first as he's still getting used to the position. But before long he finds himself begging for more, harder, deeper!

"God yes baby!" Kili groans, rapidly losing himself now. He pounds his lover's firm ass more vigorously, pulling back far then ploughing in deep again and again and again until the sweat stands on his brow.

"Thorin!"

The taller man feels himself burst with happy pleasure as his younger lover climaxes inside him with his name on his lips and he reaches behind him to pull Kili against and into him once more.

"Yum," Kili murmurs fondly when they hold each other for a moment in a tender post peak embrace. "You are yummy. That felt so good." He looks up into Thorin's deep blue eyes, dilated with arousal. "You are a natural top and I love it. But having you bottom for me is such a treat." He twirls a wet strand around his finger. "My amazing lover."

"You're too good to me," Thorin smiles softly. "You make me feel so comfortable, about myself, about us. Thank you for being with me."

Kili raises a surprised eyebrow and wants to argue that surely he should be thanking Thorin, but then his programme kicks in and he just smiles and nods, resting his head against Thorin's shoulder, feeling perfectly content for the first time since he can remember.

+++

"Are you okay, Kee?" Fili looks at his baby brother as he hovers nervously in the kitchen. "You still want to do this?" He hands his brother his coffee and squeezes his shoulder.

"No," Kili sighs. "I don't _want_ to do this at all. But I have to. I want to shut that door firmly behind me." He raises his eyes to meet his brother's and smiles nervously. "If I don't do this now I just know that I'm going to be cursing myself for it later. This is my chance to have my say. To tell them what that bastard did to me."

Fili looks at his baby brother and feels his heart break. He puts his coffee down and Kili's also and then takes him into a firm hug. "I love you, Kili," he says softly, stroking his brother's back.

Kili gasps in surprise at the sudden expression of brotherly love. "I-I love you too, Fee." He returns the hug with force. "Thank you for doing this for me."

"Hey, you're still my baby brother, even though you're thirty years old and about to get hitched." Fili smiles, cupping Kili's face between his hands. "I should have been there for you before. But I'm here now."

"Fee, you were always there for me," Kili shakes his head. "I was just too stubborn to see it. Too hurt. I had to close down in the way I did. It was self preservation. I understand that now, George helped me understand."

"George?"

"He was my therapist in Scotland," Kili explains, reaching for his coffee again and following his brother into the living room. "He's a good guy. Really helped me see a lot of things I was blind to before. Things that I can change. But also things I cannot." He smiles softly at Fili again. "We cannot change what we've done, brother. But we can change what we do from now. I'm so happy to have you back in my life," he says genuinely. "Before we go to the station I'd like you to read something. When I was in therapy we had to write letters to various people in our life. People we hate and people we love. I'd like you to read what I wrote to you."

Fili looks in surprise at the piece of paper that Kili hands him and takes it with a little apprehension.

_Dear Fee_

_I realise that I don't tell you often enough how much I love you. I know we've had our ups and downs. Probably more downs than ups and I know a lot of those are my fault. And yet each time I've come crawling back to you, when I've needed money or got myself into trouble again, you were there for me._

_I can give many reasons for the way I have behaved. Some are of my own making. Others as a result of what happened to me, what was done to me. I blamed you for a long time for that. If you hadn't had left me with mum... But I  know now that that is nonsense. You are not to blame. You are not responsible. You had a right to live your own life, make your own choices._

_I was jealous of you. Your good job, your happy marriage, your perfect life. Now I see that you've had your own struggles too. There is no perfect life. And there is also no point looking enviously at what someone else has. That's difficult when your own life is such a mess. But now I have good things in my life too it is becoming easier._

_I have learnt many things these last few weeks. Things about myself, some difficult to accept. But most of all I've learnt that I'm not alone in this world. That I can choose to have people in my life who love me and care about me. And that I can play a role in their lives too._

_I want that now, brother. I want you in my life and I'd like to be in yours. We were once like best friends. I'd like you to be my friend again. Someone to laugh and cry with. Someone to go out for a drink with. Someone to share my happiness and my sorrow with. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want your support and I want to give you mine in return._

_I want you to trust me. I know that won't happen overnight. I need to earn that trust again, but I think I can. I want to be a good uncle for your daughter. I love her to bits already and she makes me want to fight to keep myself clean. So much shit has happened to me and this year it feels like all my happiness has finally come all at once._

_Dwalin said to me that there is equal amounts of good and bad for everyone. It's just that a negative person will choose to only see the bad whereas a good person will see more of the good. I want to be that positive person, valuing what I have now, seeing the good around me. Seeing that you are and have always been here for me._

_I understand now that I had to make my own mistakes. That you could not prevent any of it, that you couldn't run the marathon for me, only be there cheering me on from the sideline, encouraging me to keep going until I could see the finishing line for myself. Thank you for that, big brother. For never stopping to believe in me. For always be there to pick me up when I stumbled._

Fili can see that the last paragraph had been added on later.

_I can nearly see the finish now. And I have one last request. Please will you run this last mile with me?_

_Kili_

Fili swallows the lump in his throat and wipes away the tears with his handkerchief. "Oh Kee... Yes! Of course I will run with you!" He pulls him into another hug and lets his tears flow.

"Thank you, Fee," Kili sniffles, feeling a big cloud lift from his shoulders.

+++

Fili watches his brother's ashen face and slightly shaking hands as they sit in the little cafe. "I'm proud of you, bro," he smiles softly and takes Kili's have, giving it a quick squeeze. "You did a very brave thing today and I am so proud."

Kili smiles a little awkwardly. "Thanks." He raises his red puffy eyes  to look into the reassuring gaze of his sibling. He'd been so annoyed that he had been unable to keep his tears at bay during the long interview. It feels like these days he burst into tears over just about anything. But of course it wasn't just anything. He'd just spent over two hours laying bare all his worst nightmares down to the most embarrassing detail to yet more strangers.

"It was awful," he admits. After his conversations with George which were full of empathy and encouragement, he'd kind of expected something similar today. But that sure had not been the case. Questions such as _Why didn't you just leave? You went on to work voluntarily as a prostitute for pimps thereafter, so what made this any different? You were prostituting to feed your own drug habit, why didn't you get help to get clean? When your clients asked you to do something you didn't like why didn't you just say no?_ had prodded hard at his pride and defences. And others along the lines of _Where was you mother? Did she know what you were doing? Why didn't your brother help you?_ had him in tears of equal anger and pain.

He had understood that this was important of course. That they needed to get facts from him to ensure that he was telling the truth before they locked away his nemesis and threw away the key. And also to see who else had a hand in what was done to him; anyone from his suppliers and his clients to his own friends and family. But more than once it had felt like he was the one on trial rather than Azog.

"I know, Kee," Fili squeezes his hand again. "Well, I don't really, I can't even imagine, but... "

"I know, Fee. It's alright. I'm just grateful that you were there when I came out. That you're here now."

"So what happens next?"

"They're still taking lots of statements. This goes back decades, they said. Then once they've gathered all the evidence it will go to trial."

"Will you have to give evidence again then?" Fili asks, concerned just how many times his little brother is going to his to relive his ordeal.

Kili shrugs, feeling exhausted and in need of something a lot stronger than the bottle of pepsi in front of him but he reminds himself that he can do this without the numbing effects of alcohol or drugs as he had spent weeks learning to do. "They said it's a possibility, but because of the number of people involved the prosecutor or whatever they call it would probably represent the victims." He frowns, still finding that term odd sounding. _Victim. I'm not a dirty drug taking whore. I'm a victim of a heinous crime._ He's now sure how he feels about that yet. Good in a way. But it also makes him feel vulnerable. Violated. And just as dirty if in a different way.

"Right. Let's talk about the wedding. And your stag do," Fili decides to change the subject as he can see his brother's turmoil and he's glad to see Kili perk up immediately, a grin plastered on his handsome face.

*** ***

"What's this about?" Thorin furrows his brow the next day when Dwalin turns up at his new place of work.

"You're coming with me, that's what this is about buddy," the tall Scot grins widely

"What? But... I've got work to... "

"All taken care of," Dwalin shakes his head at Thorin's attempts to get out of this.

Thorin throws his boss a questioning look, but Galadriel just laughs. "He's right, Mr McTavish has already discussed it with me and booked your time off. Wouldn't stand in the way of your bachelor party now would I?"

"My...?!"

"Come on you English bugger, we've gotta shoot or we'll be late," Dwalin pulls his friend to his feet. "Cheers Mrs Blanchett," be smiles his most charming smile at the Chief Executive before dragging a spluttering Thorin to the exit.

"Where are we going? I don't want to..."

"Thorin, mate, shut up," Dwalin says in the nicest possible way. "The last time you got married you got away with not having a stag do. This time I won't let you off that lightly."

"I don't want to get drunk," Thorin stubbornly snarls as he buckles up next to Dwalin. "Or dress up."

"You don't need to get drunk. And dressing up is for your own safety."

"My own safety?"

"Just relax and let this happen okay. You'll enjoy it, I promise."

Thorin sighs, resting back in his seat. "Very well. But I'm not wearing anything pink," he mutters under his breath earning himself a loud laugh from his friend.

+++

"What's going on?" Kili asks excitedly when Fili, Ori and Legolas turn up on his doorstep almost simultaneously. When he had talked to his brother about the stag do he'd been given the impression that he'd get picked up after seven and dragged to a strip club. He narrows his eyes at Fili. "You lied to me, didn't you."

"I'd like to call it putting you off scent," Fili smiles innocently.

"So where _are_ we going?"

"You'll see," Ori grins, steering Kili into the living room.

"Oh mama, this is some palace, princess!" Legolas whistles as he struts around the apartment, the only one of the three of them not to have been here before since the other two had met here with Thorin already to go through the wedding plans.

Kili grins widely. "Uh-huh, and I'm marrying the king, I'll have you know!" he teases his friend. Then turning back to Fili and Ori, "I need to know where we're going so I know what to wear!"

"What you're wearing is fine," Both reply almost simultaneously.

"You need nothing but your sexy self, darling," Legolas purrs in Kili's ear. He pulls out his cigarette pouch, holding one out to Kili who shakes his head. "I've quit. And you can't smoke in here," he states plainly. Legolas opens his mouth to make some remark about that which Kili can guess will be along the lines of _oh, does daddy not allow it?_ but the brunet beats him to it as he adds, " _I_ don't want you to smoke in _my_ home. You can light up on the balcony."

Fili can't help but smile a little proudly at Kili's words. His little brother has finally grown up into a responsible adult. And it really feels like they've turned over a new leaf.

+++

"Karting?! We're going karting?!" Kili squeals in excitement as Fili pulls up into the car park.

"Well, Ori told us where Thorin had taken you for your first date. So it only seemed appropriate that you two would have your stag dos here," Fili smiles.

"Thorin is here too?!"

Fili grins as his brother flies out of the car when he sees his husband-to-be walking up to them. It had taken him some time to convince everyone that this would be a good idea. Especially Ori and Legolas has vehemently opposed that the two grooms should have their last day as single men together. But he knows he was right to push for this. And it's not just because he does not want to risk Kili -or Thorin for that matter although he does not think for one moment that he would- doing something stupid on the day before his wedding like getting drunk and having some seedy stripper shake her -or his!- bits on his face. But seeing the two lovers embrace and kiss confirms to him that they belong together today as any other day.

"Did you know about this?" Kili interrogates his lover when they break the kiss.

Thorin shakes his head, smiling. "Not a clue. Not until Dwalin hijacked my office and took me prisoner."

"Drama queen!" Dwalin snorts, slapping his friend across the back before he extends his hand to Kili. "Y're looking good mate," he smiles warmly as he crushes Kili's hand into his large one.

"Cheers!" Kili returns the smile just as his eyes blow wide when he sees who else has arrived. "Sam! Pippin! Oh my god, what are you guys doing here?!"

"Er we thought it was your stag do?" Pippin grins teasingly, hugging Kili. "Afternoon Mr Oakenshield," he nods to his ex-boss, still feeling a little intimidated by the tall executive.

"None of that," Thorin grabs both his ex-employees in respective embraces. "Just Thorin."

Sam grins widely. "Yes Thorin. And congratulations to you both!"

Altogether, including the happy couple, there's ten of them. Kili had been a little shocked when Elrond had turned up as he'd forgotten that this was a friend of Thorin's. But the well dressed and kindly spoken man is perfectly pleasant to him, regardless of what had passed between them. He doesn't know the other guy who is introduced to him as Bard and who Thorin explains is another executive he used to work with. Kili eyes the handsome looking man a little suspiciously at first but as Thorin puts an arm around him and beams as he introduces him as his new husband in less than twenty four hours! Kili feels himself swell with pride when Bard congratulates him.

Kili in turn introduces Legolas -finally!- to his lover.

"A pleasure to meet you. Kili has told me so much about you. Only good things of course," Thorin grins at the very tall blond.

"I doubt that," Legolas flicks back his long hair. But as he turns back to Kili, flapping his hands, he mimes, "He's hoooooot!"

Kili grins back rather smugly. "Oh yes! Hot and mine!" he declares out loud, taking Thorin's hand in his.

+++

"That was AWESOME!" Pippin exclaims to Ori whom he's been getting on with very well these last few hours.

Thorin smiles at Kili who is also beaming from ear to ear. "Did you have fun, flower?"

"God yeah! Did you?"

"Yes! It was awesome," Thorin has to agree despite his initial grumbles. "Cheers, bud," he directs at Dwalin who smiles back contently.

"No bother. Enjoyed it rather myself," the Scott beams.

A sudden cry, however, startles them all and they turn to Legolas in shock.

"A nail! I broke a fucking nail!" the blond exclaims in utter horror.

Kili exchanges a bemused look with his fiance before he wraps his arm around Legolas. "It's alright, babe. You'll live." He gives his friend a kiss on the cheek.

"I knew this was a bad idea! How am I supposed to perform now?!" Legolas continues to wail pitifully, but when Bard holds out his arm the dry tears quickly vanish. "Come, milady. My sister is a nail artist. We'll have your injury seen to on no time."

Thorin raises a meaningful eyebrow which is answered by Kili in return but before either can say anything else, Ori jumps in, "Let's go to the club!"

Dwalin looks carefully from Thorin to Kili. He'd expressed his concerns to Ori and Legolas about this part of the plan and Fili had backed him up. But Ori had insisted that it was fine and right. And since Dwalin as Thorin's best man had picked the daytime activities it was only fair that Ori got to have a say too. Still, he's worried how both men will take this suggestion.

"The club?" Thorin and Kili respond almost simultaneously.

"You mean as in..?"

"Spartacus!" Ori beams. Thorin appears to pale as Kili's eyes grow wide in shock. But the redhead does not seem to notice as he babbles on excitedly, "Well, Dwalin and Fili arranged the karting as a reminder of your first date. But Leggers and I said that your real first date was at Spartacus! So Legolas talked to his dad and got the club booked exclusively for us tonight. Thranduil even kept the shot deals on the bar. And Leggers is going to dance for us."

Although Kili cringes at the thought of going back inside Spartacus the look of sheer glee on Ori's face at what he'd managed to arrange for them makes it impossible to say no. Still he turns to his fiance and asks softly, "Are you okay with that, babe?"

Thorin considers this for a moment. It really was not what he would have chosen for their last night before the wedding. But he too can see the happy enthusiasm in Ori and knows the chap means well by it. It would hardly be fair to throw those plans back in his face even if to anyone else they surely feel as cringeworthy as they do to him. But then to Ori and Legolas this is just their place of work. Had he met Kili in a bar he would not have batted an eyelid at his ex colleagues throwing a party there.

He swallows his dignity as he thinks about Elrond and Bards well as Sam and Pippin seeing exactly where he'd met his beloved. "Alright," he finds himself saying. He has no idea how either of them will feel once they are inside the gentlemen's club though and he only hopes he won't come to regret his decision.

+++

Kili feels his heart pound wildly inside his chest when they arrive at Spartacus shortly after they'd been home to have a quick shower and get changed. This feels weird. Not only does it feel weird to be back at Spartacus but even weirder is entering through the main entrance as a guest of honour.

Yet the moment he's greeted by his old friend and tutor he grins widely. "Master Balin, you're even shorter than I remember," he jokes.

"Wider perhaps, but not shorter!" the white haired man grins back as he takes Kili into a strong embrace. "Ah lad, it's so good to see to again. Ye'r looking well, lad. Very well."

"All thanks to my beautiful fiancé," Kíli beams. "Remember Thorin?"

"How can I ever forget. The tall, dark and handsome stranger," Balin grabs Thorin's hand and shakes it vigorously. "Even more handsome than I remembered," he flatters, causing Thorin to fluster.

"I guess I owe you my thanks," he coughs, a little uncomfortable with the situation still.

"Yes! Our match maker!" Kili throws his arm around the host. "There wouldn't be a wedding tomorrow if it wasn't for you!"

"Och, you give me too much credit you both. Destiny brought you together surely. Always knew you'd find your prince one day," he winks to Kili. "Now come, let's not stand here in the doorway. Your guests are waiting for you. Tonight the club is all yours. Let us entertain you mister and mister Oakenshield!"

When Balin throws open the doors Kili can hardly believe his eyes. Sure this is the club where he'd earned his living by dancing and fucking for money. But tonight his friends have truly transformed it into a proper setting for their bachelor party with gold and silver ribbons and balloons everywhere whilst the entire floor appears to be covered in little hearts.

Even Thorin feels his apprehension disappear at the sight. "This is nice," he smiles.

Ori comes jogging over, handing them a glass of champagne each. "To the happy couple!"

To both their surprise their little group from earlier has expanded even more, with a few others from Oakenshield investments including of course Dori, their wedding planner, and Merry. There are some old friends who Thorin really has not seen for years, but who Dwalin clearly had stayed in contact with. And his mouth falls open when his shy half brother nods at the both of them.

"All these people! Do we know this many people?!" Kili is astounded not just by the effort that his friends had gone to to invite all these people but even more so how many had indeed showed up.

"Don't worry, it's just a club," Ori winks. "Most of them don't know this is where you worked. Or that you were a client here," he says to Thorin who tries not to cringe at that and instead nods in thanks.

"Are you alright still, babe?" Kili asks, thumbing the back of Thorin's hand.

"I am. Are you?"

"Yeah," Kili smiles. "This is actually not so bad. I never hated working here. I mean, the work itself..." He doesn't really want to think let alone talk about that and shakes his head. "But all things considered it wasn't a bad place to work. And I made such good friends here."

"I know you did, flower," Thorin smiles, putting an arm around Kili and kissing his cheek. "And for me it only holds good memories. Of meeting the love of my life," he beams, kissing Kili's nose.

Soon they are swept up by the music and a buffet of hot and cold snacks and Ori and Gimli serving at the bar. And even Dwalin and Fili who both had had their concerns each have to admit this wasn't as bad an idea as it had sounded after all.

Fili walks over to his little brother when Thorin is engaged in conversation with Lee. "So this is where you used to work?" he asks tentatively. He's not sure whether that's the right thing to do, but he can't help the flicker of  curiosity inside him. He'd never seen any of his brother's life in the shadows of society.

"Yup," Kili nods taking a sip of his drink. He chews the inside of his cheek, unsure what else to say. "It's not a bad place," he tries to say positively.

"I must say I am pleasantly surprised," his brother says much to his surprise. "I mean it looks... ehm classy," Fili tries to find the right words.

"You mean not as seedy and dirty as you were expecting?" Kili grins into his drink at Fili's slight awkwardness.

"Well..." Fili grins too. "Yeah I guess." He puts his arm around his baby brother. "I love you, bro," he says. "Thank you for letting me be part of this."

"Thank you for wanting to be part of this," Kili counters.

Suddenly the lights dim and Kili grins as Balin appears on the stage. He used to do the announcements in the olden days although now he mostly manned the front desk, welcoming the guests. "Ladies and Gentlemen, please may I have your attention and a big round of applause for the stunning, the fabulous and mesmerizingly sexy Tiger Lily!"

Kili instantly recognises the opening chords of _Tainted Love_. He chuckles at the inappropriate song choice but knows it's one of Legolas' favourites. "Now you'll get to see something special," he promises his brother and then goes to find his fiance, dragging him towards the stage.

"What... No, I'm not getting on stage!" Thorin flushes.

But Kíli pulls him into one of the plush seats. "Stop panicking and just enjoy," he smiles squeezing his lover's hand as they watch Legolas stride onto the stage in thigh high black boots and a skin tight golden dress. Kili is pleased that the crowd of their friends and family are going wild as his cross-dressing friend begins to dance. It was a risky move and he is not sure whether he is exactly comfortable with everyone seeing this, but as everyone seems to enjoy the show he relaxes and decides that ultimately this is what any stag-do would be like, not just because he used to be the one on stage himself.

He looks to Thorin who stares at Tiger Lily with fascination. “And?”

“She’s good!” Thorin smiles. “I mean _he ..”_

“I think Tiger Lily would prefer _she_ ,” Kili grins and rubs Thorin’s hand. “And yeah, she’s awesome!”

He watches the routine with a wide smile on his face, remembering how occasionally he had done a show with his friend - but he was never able to match her fluid moves, her superb sense of rhythm. Legolas really is a natural entertainer. But then of course he grew up here and this is what he does for a living. It was rare that he would take a client upstairs. He was an erotic dancer and always called himself that, never a prostitute, although should a client take his interest he was not averse to getting _laid and paid._

The crowd cheers loudly when Leggers pulls the dress lose halfway through the set, revealing the leather straps that make up a bra and the leather knickers. Thorin even leans himself a little forward as with all the glam and the lighting it really is quite unbelievable that this is in fact a guy on stage and he is getting quite swept up into the show. And when the set comes to an end - much to Kili’s relief Leggers had not stripped down beyond his undergarments - Thorin is on his feet cheering and Kili feels like he might burst with happiness that his lover has accepted his friends for what they are.

“And now,” Legolas speaks into the microphone in his deep voice which somehow seems to be rather erotic in contrast with his feminine form, “I would like to invite one of the grooms onto the stage.”

Thorin and Kili exchange a brief glance and Kili is about to offer that he will go since Thorin had been so against it, but to his surprise his older lover kisses him. “You have done enough of that,” he smiles. “I guess it is my turn.”

“Oh babe!” Kili grins. “Yes! Whoooooh!”

He watches Thorin down his drink before he climbs onto the stage under loud cheering from the gathered guests. He can hear Dwalin’s deep voice boom over all other as he cheers on his friend. “Shake that booty, Thorin!!” and laughs when Thorin flips him the finger.

Legolas licks his lips as he orders Thorin to sit down in the middle of the stage and Kili just has to shout, “Don’t forget he is coming home with me!”

Thorin grins when the music begins again and Tiger Lily threads her long legs between his to the tune of Buckcherry’s Crazy Bitch and flicks her long blond hair into his face. He does feel his cheeks burn, but equally he is enjoying the fun of it all and more than anything he enjoys seeing Kili so happy and excited that he is playing along. He is grateful that his friends had wisely decided not to split them up this evening; he would not have enjoyed this without Kili and he would have been worried sick about his lover. But together this is a great way to celebrate their last unmarried evening. And with the music and the cajoling of his friends and a little aid of the alcohol he lets his own barriers drop.

Kili looks up when a large hand lands on his shoulder. “Can’t believe she got him to do that!” the bald Scot grins widely. “Whooo!” he cheers loudly again as he takes a tug from his beer.

 _This is perfect_ , Kili thinks with a content sigh. Finally, FINALLY!, his old life seems to have reconciled itself with his new.

Kili flies around Thorin’s neck when Tiger Lily finally lets him go. He smirks at the lipstick on his lover’s cheeks and buttons up his shirt again where his friend had gotten his hands on Thorin. “You were amazing!” he laughs. “Thank you for doing that, babe!”

“It was fun. She really is very good,” Thorin blushes.

“That he is.”

Kili’s jaw almost drops to the floor when he recognises the voice and he whips around to look into the ice-blue eyes of Thranduil. He is quite speechless. The man rarely showed himself downstairs and he sure had not expected him to attend his bachelor party. “Thranduil.”

“I understand congratulations are in order,” the tall blond man smirks and holds out his sleek hand.

“Er, yes.” Kili looks at the hand for a moment, even more taken aback since Thranduil had refused to shake his hand the last time he had seen him. “Thanks.” He shakes the hand and then remembers his manners. “This is Thorin, my fiance. Thorin, this is Thranduil. The owner. And Legolas’ father.”

Thorin raises his eyebrows in surprise at that - _he lets his son do this?! -_ but extends his hand too, which the blond man shakes curtly.

“It is rare that the fairytale we try to create here survives the cold light of day,” Thranduil says. “I wish you both happiness and I trust you will treat Kili well.” And with that baffling statement the owner of Spartacus turns his back and disappears again.

Kili looks at Thorin, quite gobsmacked. “I can’t believe that. I can’t believe he actually said that and wished us well!”

“Well, maybe he cared more about you than you thought.”

 _Yes, maybe he did …_ Kili blinks at the door through which Thranduil had disappeared. Suddenly he feels a little regretful at how he had always disliked the man. After all he was the father of one of his best friends. And come to think of it, other than taking a slice of his money he had always treated Kili and the others here fairly, even if it was with an air of cool indifference. Perhaps the man did have a heart after all. And he feels strangely emotional by that odd gesture, realising at that moment that Thranduil probably had been an odd sort of parent over these few years, ensuring his safety and welfare. And his strange well-wishes and the way he had told Thorin to look after him feel like the final closure before he can move on with the rest of his life.

+++

Thorin and Kili flop down onto their bed simultaneously, both exhausted and a little merry and in a state of euphoria.

“I had the best day,” Kili smiles up at the ceiling.

“Me too,” Thorin concurs. “They had all done so well to arrange all that. We have some good friends.”

“We do.” Kili turns himself to face his lover. “Can you believe that tomorrow I am going to become your husband?”

“Yes,” Thorin smiles, pulling his lover in for a kiss. “Because I am going to make sure of it. And I am going to love you from now until forever.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Buckcherry - Crazy Bit*h (Video) - www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJ6pLKlU-8Q


	59. Getting Married

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this reads okay. I am tired and pissed off but I really wanted to post this as it has been so long since I wrote these beauties. I will edit any spelling mistakes when I am actually awake.

"We're getting married today!"

Thorin slowly opens his eyes and blinks a few times at the clock display on his bedside cabinet.  _Five thirty! Shit!_ Still, he smiles sleepily as he turns to face his wide awake lover. "So we are," he yawns. "I guess there's no chance of us going back to sleep for another hour?" he wishes outloud.

"You can, but I can't sleep anymore," Kili kisses him and rolls himself out of bed. "Been awake since four! I'm going to have a f... coffee," he smiles into the semi dark room as he fumbles to put his pyjama bottoms on. He'd automatically wanted to say  _fag,_ needing some time to adjust his vocabulary to his new habits. "Want one?"

"Go on then." Now that he's awake Thorin knows he won't be able to go back to sleep either. And even though he tries to stay calm and composed as if it's just another day he too feels flutters of excitement and admittedly some nerves too as he thinks about today.

By the time he's put on his dressing gown and is sat on the sofa Kili is already busy putting breakfast together.

“Please tell me I did not really get on stage last night and made a fool of myself in front of all our friends,” he groans as he rubs his head.

“Oh yes you did!” Kili grins, handing him a cup of strong coffee. “Feeling a little delicate this morning, my handsome man?” he teases.

“Hmf, I did not drink that much!” Thorin defends himself. “Fuck, that makes it even worse. I cannot even blame it on any alcohol!” He groans again, squeezing his eyes shut.

“Oh but you looked haaaawt!” Kili purs. He rests his head on Thorin’s shoulder as he snuggles up to him and smiles as Shadow jumps on his lap and begins to paw Thorin’s gown. “And you did not make a fool of yourself. I loved it that you did that. It was super sweet of you, babe. I had such a fab time yesterday.”

“Me too,” Thorin smiles back, despite his embarrassment. He leans his head against Kili’s as they sip their coffees.

“It was so cool to have all of our friends there. You ehm … you didn’t mind that it was at the club, did you?”

“It was okay,” Thorin smiles, pressing a kiss into Kili’s dark curls. “I felt a little awkward at first, but I understand why Ori chose it. And it was fine. And Legolas really does make an amazing queen,” he chuckles.

Kili giggles too, happy that his husband-to-be is taking all this in his stride. He knows it is an odd world he has come from and he is sure not everyone would have been as accommodating.

"Are you excited?" Thorin murmurs into Kili’s hair.

"Damn right I am! Aren't you?" the curly brunet pushes himself up and frowns a little at his lover.  

"Course I am!" Thorin laughs and pulls Kili into his arms again. "Just still waking up is all. Not used to early-bird Kili yet." He wraps his arm around his beloved and kisses his shoulder.

"Don't worry, it won't last," Kili smiles, leaning against his soon to be husband again. "But I don't want to miss a minute of the best day of my life!"

“You’re too cute,” Thorin chuckles softly. “How did I bag myself such an adorable sexy man, hm?”

“I dunno,” Kili grins widely. “Guess you just got lucky,” he teases as he pats Thorin’s strong thigh giving him a sultry grin, which makes his lover laugh. He jumps back onto his feet, unable to sit still because of his excitement. “Want another coffee?”

Thorin looks at his still full cup and shakes his head, leaning back and closing his eyes for a little longer. Today is their wedding day. He smiles at that thought. The last time he got married it was to a lovely young woman, but he had known all along that it was for show. The whole day had passed him by in a blur and by the evening he had been utterly exhausted from putting on a brave face all day and pretending it to be the happiest day of his life. This time, however, the feelings are real. He may not be bouncing around with glee like Kili is; that is just not his style. But he is no less happy and excited about making Kili his legal husband.

Of course today is first and foremost a celebration if their love. But it's also a statement. A two fingers up to the world and anybody who may still think he's only with Kili for one thing. To his father who surely is turning around in his grave at that very moment. To Kili's mother who had called him a pervert amongst other things. Screw them all! After at least the decades of playing society's games and pretending to be something he's not, today he's going to show everyone exactly what matters really in his life. And it's not money or power or status anymore. It's that crazy guy that's singing Christmas songs in his kitchen at six am on a warm autumn day.

"What?" Kili asks as he finds Thorin grinning at him.

"Nothing," Thorin shakes his head. "I just love to look at you."

"Soppy git," Kili grins but inside he feels radiant.

+++

Almost as soon as they have finished their breakfast the doorbell rings and when Thorin answers he finds a widely grinning Dori on his doorstep. “Good morning, Mr Oakenshield. How are you this fine morning?” he asks as he holds up two suitbags. “Ready to get married today, sir?”

“I think so,” Thorin smiles as he takes the suitbags from his old PA and invites the shorter man into his home.

“Hello Kili!” Dori beams at the skinny young man who is stood leaning against the breakfast bar in his pyamas. He promptly strides over to him and gives the much taller man a big hug upon which Kili raises a surprised eyebrow at Thorin but then hugs the short white-haired man back. “Er, morning Mr Dori.”

“Are you excited, young man?”

“Fuck yes!” Kili beams as he turns the coffee machine back on. “Sorry, Mr Dori,” he apologises for his chosen words. “Yes, I am well excited!”

“Good!” the older man grins. “Come and give me a hand getting everything out of my car, would you please, young man.”

Thorin smiles contently as he watches the two men haul a ridiculous amount boxes and bags into his house. He offers to give them a hand, but both wave his offer away and so he lets them get on with it. “What on earth is all this?”

“Your shoes, shirts, corsages, accessories, hats, guest book, suits for your best men,” Dori reels off, proud of how well organised he had been. Which after all was why Thorin had hired him in the first place at Oakenshields Investments. He does miss his old boss. Thorin was not a man to be crossed, but he was a fair boss and after more than ten years working for him, he knew Thorin better than most. And he is grateful to have been given this honourable task.

Thorin clasps him on the shoulder. “What would I do without you,” he smiles.

“Just doing my job, Mr Oakenshield, just doing my job. I hope everything will be to your satisfaction.”

“Oh I am sure it will be,” Thorin smiles. “I had better get dressed then before the cavalry arrives.” And the grabs the suitbags. He looks from Kíli to Dori for a moment, but the older man chuckles, "Don't mind me, I'll clear the dishes and be here to receive your guests as they arrive," Dori grins as he hands Kili the other bag. "Technically you should not see each other before the ceremony, but well, since neither of you is the bride...."

"Cheers, Dori," Kili smiles at the man's flusterings and he follows Thorin to their bedroom.

"Do you mind that this is not a traditional wedding?" Kili cocks his head at Thorin, watching him take off his dressing gown

"What do you mean?"

Kili shrugs, sitting himself on the edge of their bed. "I don't know. Like Dori said... We're just doing everything a little... Odd. Having our stag dos together. Getting ready together.”

Thorin walks over to him and takes his face in his large hands, looking deep into his eyes. “Sweet flower, nothing in our relationship has exactly been traditional. And in any case, I think it's rather romantic that we do everything together.” He pulls up his zipper and  kisses Kili’s nose and then his lips. “Why, does it bother you?”

“Nah,” Kili shakes his head, smiling his infectious grin at his man. “I like it that we are an odd couple.”

“Odd couple? Speak for yourself, young man,” Thorin frowns as he helpes Kili into his coat.

“Yeah, because you are totally normal,” Kili sticks out his tongue, which Thorin manages to catch into a quick snog.

“Want to change your mind?” he teases his younger lover.

“Never!” Kili pulls him against him. “You are mine, mister. No getting away from it now.”

“Mmm, like you getting all possessive over me,” Thorin grins widely. He looks on his watch, for a split second wondering if there is any time for a quick bending Kili over the bed, but he shakes his head as he thinks of poor old Dori sat in the living room. “We’d best get on with it then, before our guests arrive.”

+++

"Here comes daddy's little princess!" Lyn bounces Felicity softly, making her giggle with glee.

Fili feels his chest swell with pride when he looks at his wife and daughter. "You both look stunning," he grins. He places a kiss on his wife's lips and takes the baby from her. "Look at you!" he cooes as he holds her high up in the air. She's wearing a white dress with tiny blue shimmers in the fabric and a little hair bands with flowers around her head. "Who's the most beautiful flower girl? Is it you?" he purrs, making his daughter gurgle back.

"The hair band won't last," Lyn smiles as she touches up her lipstick. "She's already pulled it off three times."

Fili chuckles. "That's okay,  isn't it precious girl? Yes, that's okay. You're just like your uncle. God knows how caught himself such a well dressed guy!" He pulls her into his arms and rocks her softly, still in awe that he's holding his own flesh and blood. "Uncle Kili is going to be so proud of you," he grins at his wide-eyed daughter.  _I really hope he will be,_ he thinks to himself, momentarily having flashbacks of his own wedding day and his legless brother causing embarrassment to himself and everyone else. He sighs and pushes the thought away. What's gone is gone. Kili had turned a new leaf, thanks to Thorin. He's received therapy and treatment for his addictions. Although Fili cannot help the slight niggle of doubt he knows that his support and belief in his brother is important to its success and so he forces himself to look forward to today as any big brother would on his baby brother's wedding day.

"Are you ready?" Lyn asks her husband, running her hands through his blonde curls.

"Ready," he smiles back. "Let's watch Thorin make an honest man out of my brother!"

+++

“Wow,” Thorin sighs as he admires his lover in his full outfit. With Dwalin, Fili and Ori he’d agreed on a compromise between Kili’s desire to dress of Victorian style and wear something he’d not feel like a complete fool in. And so they had picked matching suits, but with a black waistcoat and cravat for himself and a white variant for Kili. The matching black coats that are tailored in a Victorian style have tiny rhinestones along the edges, giving it a sense of glamour and a tiny bit of sparkle. But the thing that has Kili gleaming the most is the dandelion brooches they have both pinned instead of a corsage. The token of their very special love.

“It’s stunning. These are stunning. YOU are stunning!” Kili beams at his lover.

“As are you. Beautiful. You look like a prince.”

“And you are my handsome king,” Kili takes Thorin’s hands and kisses them both. “Thank you for arranging all of this. I can’t believe you did all this! For me!”

“Not all on my own though,” Thorin is quick not to take all the credit. I had help from Dwalin and Ori and your brother and his misses too. They have all been great. So you do really love it? I know you wanted to really dress up, but …”

“I love it. I absolutely fucking love it! It’s absolutely perfect, babe. And you look so goddamn hot in it! Mmmm, can’t wait to peel you out of that later.”

Thorin sighs as he hears the doorbell and a  _“I’ll get it!”_ from Dori. He strokes Kili’s cheek and presses a soft kiss on his lips. “I cannot wait to consummate our wedding,” he promises in a heated whisper, before he pulls away and straightens himself to greet his best man as he hears Dwalin’s deep voice come from down the hall.

+++

“No.”

“What do you mean,  _no_?” Legolas flicks his long locks back and stares at Kili defiantly.

“No, you are  _not_ wearing that. Absolutely not.”

“And why not?”

Kili looks at Thorin, who just looks utterly bemused but throws him a look of  _I am not getting involved, he’s your friend_ back. “Well … firstly only the bride should wear white …” Kili frowns back at Legolas.

His blond friend snorts. “Neither of you are a bride and neither of you are wearing white,” he states defiantly.

“Even so,” Kili puts his hands on his hips now, like an Italian matriarch, “you are coming to  _my_ wedding, not a strip show. Put on something decent. I want to see more cloth and less skin. And don’t you backchat me,” he interrupts whatever response Legolas had at the ready. “I may not be the bride, but today I  _am_ the queen of this show,  _not you!_ ”

Possibly for the first time in his life Legolas is actually speechless. Ori’s jaw has dropped to the floor and he can hear Thorin and Dwalin chuckle very softly low in their throats, trying to hide it.

“I knew you’d be like this,” Legolas snaps when he’s found his tongue again. “Fine. But only because you are getting married today.”

“Damn right I am! I hope you’ve brought something else,” Kili says sternly.

“Of course,” Legolas rolls his eyes. “He’s already brought my dress,” he nods to Dori who looks shocked at the bitch fight before him. “Still, I think this one is far prettier.”

“I don’t care,” Kili snatches the dress that Dori hands out to him and pushes it into Legolas’ hands. “Today  _you_ are going to blend in nicely with all the other guests whilst I get to be in the limelight. Now play nice, sweety,” he softens a little, not wanting to actually fall out with his friend today.

Legolas narrows his eyes, but then smirks. “Course hon, because it’s you.” He blows Kili an air kiss and then disappears into the bathroom to get changed.

“Nicely done,” Thorin whispers in Kili’s ear when Legolas has gone. “I liked that …  _a lot_.”

Kili grins back at his lover. “Well, today is  _my_ day. I mean,  _our_ day!” he quickly corrects himself at which both Thorin and Dwalin laugh heartily. “Alright,” Kili smirks, “I  _am_ the bride. I don’t even care, I get to marry the most handsome man in the world today so I am happy to be a little queer about it.” He throws his arms around Thorin’s neck and kisses him briefly.

“Hm, I can see I am marrying quite a diva,” Thorin smiles, brushing Kili’s curls back.

Kili pulls a mock offended face but then smiles his sweetest smile. “You love it really.”

When Legolas returns in something far more suitable Kili nods in appreciation. “Now you can come to my wedding.  _Our_ wedding,” he laughs as Thorin pinches his side.

Legolas huffs, kicking the skirt. “The other dress showed off my best features much better,” he whines softly, but nonetheless joins the others, ready to get in the cars to take them to the wedding venue where the other guests will be waiting.

+++

"Do you have the rings?" Kili asks Ori for the fourth time since they’d set off. He and Ori are sat on the backseat, with Legolas in the front of one chauffeured car, whereas Thorin, Dwalin and Dori are in the other. They had agreed that this was a good moment to be separated after all, to at least arrive in separate cars to give the whole thing a little bit of tradition and style.

Kili getting nervous and agitated now and he finds himself biting his nails and wishing he'd not given up smoking just before the wedding.

"I do babe," Ori grins. "Relax. Everything is going to be fine. You look dashing. Thorin looks hot as fuck. And you are going to have a fantastic day."

Kili nods, not feeling any calmer though. He watches the world speed by in a blur and suddenly he realises he does not actually know exactly where they are going. Thorin had shown him pictures of the venue of course, but that was back in Edinburgh and if he’s honest a lot of that had been a bit of a blur as he had been in the middle of rehab.  _Relax! The suits that Thorin has picked are amazing. The venue pics you have seen were amazing already. And in any case it doesn’t matter. You can marry him in a cave, the only thing that matters is that you are marrying HIM._

At that he relaxes a little and smiles at Ori. “Can’t believe this is really happening!”

“I know, right. You are actually going to marry him. I am soooo jealous!”

“He is gawgeous,” even Legolas pipes up from the front sheet. “You are such a lucky doll.”

“I know,” Kili grins proudly and sighs happily.

+++

“So, today is the day,” Dwalin grins at his friend. “I must say, Thorin, you look a thousand times happier than the last time.”

“I am,” Thorin smiles back. “This is for real, D. Today I am marrying the love of my life,” he states firmly, feeling quite proud of actually saying it out loud.

“I know ye are,” Dwalin beams. “You are a crazy bastard for it, Thorin, but that,” he pokes his friend in the chest, “is true love, no-one would dare say otherwise. And good on ya, mate. I like to see that smile on your face. That lad has taken years off ya.”

Thorin raises an eyebrow. “You sound almost jealous,” he teases.

“Oy, what’s that supposed to mean? I am still looking as youthful as always!”

“Of course,” Thorin grins. “Just lost your wild mane over the years …”

“Watch it, Oakenshield …” Dwalin growls good-heartedly. But he throws an arm around his best friend and squeezes him hard. “I love ya, man. I am so happy to see you happy again.”

“Softie,” Thorin smiles. “I love you too, D. And thank you for being here with me today.”

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

+++

When the second car pulls up Thorin, Dwalin and Dori have already gone inside. This too they had agreed as Kili had said he wanted to  _walk down the aisle_ _,_ to have all eyes on him as he walked towards the man of his dreams.

But as soon as the car stops, Kili goes rigid.

“We’re here!” Ori beams, full of excitement. But as soon as he looks at his friend he knows something is wrong. “What’s the matter, Kee? Are you alright?”

“Aw, baby has nerves,” Legolas teases, but Ori throws him an angry look.

“Babe? Are you okay?” he repeats, reaching out for Kili, whose eyes have gone wide inside his pale face.

Kili shakes his head. “I can’t.”

“What? What do you mean?”

“I can’t marry him. I can’t. I really can’t. I just can’t do it, Ori,” Kili suddenly blurts out. His whole body has gone tense now and he is gripping the seat. The driver has got out to open the doors for his passengers, but Kili shakes his head even more wildly. “No, I can’t! I really cannot do this to him!”

Ori wrinkles up his face. “What? What do you mean? Kili, what is the matter? You are going to marry Thorin …”

At that same moment the driver opens the door on Kili’s side and the brunet flies out of the car.

“Kili, what the …” Ori watches his friend race off and a second later he too is out of the car, chasing after him. “Kili. Goddamn it, come back!!”

By the time he catches up with Kili he is out of breath and scowling at his friend. “What the fuck is the matter with you? Get back … there …” he pants, “... and get married!” He rests his hands on his knees as he stands doubled over trying to get some air back into his lungs.

“No. I can’t. I won’t. It’s not right.”

“What the hell are you talking about? It IS right. He asked you to marry him and you said yes!”

“Yes!” Kili bites his head off. He is shaking from head to toe as he leans against the wall, desperately wanting to puff on something. “I said yes because it’s easy, right. Because he is handsome and rich and if I said no then I’d be back in that stinkhole selling my ass! There, that’s it. That’s the truth. But I won’t. I can’t do that to him. I can’t let him ruin himself with someone like me. I am not worth it, Ori. Can’t you bloody see that?! He can do so much better than me! I won’t marry him! Because I fucking love him too much for that!”

Ori raises himself upright and then gives Kili such a slap across the face that the other actually stumbles to the side. “Shut up! You stupid fucking idiot! Listen to yourself! You and your stupid martyring. I am so fucking tired of all this shit, Kili. YOU are the luckiest damn pro on this whole stinking planet! YOU found someone who loves you, not just wants to fuck your cute little ass, but actually  _loves_ you! Someone who does not care where you’ve come from, what you’ve done. Someone who is willing to put his own reputation on the line for you. I love you, man! And if I had the money and the power to change your life like Thorin has done, I would be fucking asking you to marry  _me_. But I don’t, I am just another prostitute. I have nothing to offer you and I know you don’t love me back the same. But I am happy for you, you spoiled bastard! I am happy that you _have_ found love, that you are getting married today to an amazing guy. And you  _are_ damn fucking well getting married today, because I swear to you Kili, if you don’t go into that goddamn castle that your prince has arranged for you right now and say  _I do_ I am going to fucking marry that guy myself!!” he almost screams in Kili’s face. He stands panting, even more out of breath now after that little tirade, his cheeks hot with anger.

Kili stares at Ori with huge eyes, gobsmacked. He’s never seen his friend so worked up and passionate about anything before. And the slap still throbs on his cheek.

“He is right.” Legolas steps up to them, in his second-choice bridesmaid dress. “You need to go and marry that guy, Kili. Because he is the best thing that is ever going to happen to you.”

“I know …” Kili squeaks. He swallows hard. “I just …”

“No _just_. Just get your butt in there and let him put that ring on your finger. Don’t let that hottie wait for you, babe. For if you let this one slip, you really are a complete dickhead.”

Kili looks from Legolas to Ori and sighs. “You are right. You are both right. I … I am sorry. I just panicked …”

Ori blinks a few times at Kili and then throws his arms around him. “Damn, you are high maintenance,” he hisses in his ear. “I am glad I am _not_ marrying you,” he jokes, suddenly a little embarrassed about his confessions.

Another set of arms wraps around the both of them and Kili smiles. “Alright. Let’s do this then,” he states firmly. “I am going to get married!” And with that he strides with sure strides towards the entrance of the wedding hall.  

 

\-------------------

Inspirations for the suits, rings and brooches

 


	60. Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all my wonderful readers for the kudos and the comments and for your encouragement and support all through this story. And thank you mostly to Draconizuka for the awesome prompt (I really hope it has lived up to your expectations) and Delorita for betaing. 
> 
> This journey has now come to an end. But who knows, I may well visit these crazy boys again in the future, because I love them so much <3

Thorin shifts a little. He tries to hide it, but when he catches Dwalin’s eyes he can see the question in his eyes too.  _Where is he?_  The car had not been far behind theirs. All sorts of thoughts are racing through his head now.  _Have they broken down? Have they had an accident?! Has Kili changed his mind ….?_  He pushes that last ridiculous thought away. Kili has done many stupid things, but that he would not do. Not to him.  _Surely...?_

Nonetheless he finds himself starting to break into a cold sweat.

The other guests are getting restless too. Flick is gurgling on Fili’s lap and sounds like she may start to wail any time now as the infant surely too must sense the awkward tension in the room.

As he glances over at the registrar he can see that the guy is wondering at which point he should ask the question of whether anybody has heard from the other groom, knowing just how embarrassing that must be for Thorin. He is just glad that this is a completely private - and expensive! - wedding with no-one waiting behind them in the queue or otherwise the man would surely have already spoken up by now.

Just as he thinks he cannot stand the waiting any longer and he is about the grab for his mobile phone, the first piano tones of  _November Rain_  start to play over the speakers and a moment later the doors on the other side of the room open. They had briefly debated over that choice of song; after all its story was not exactly a happy-ending one befitting a wedding. However, they’d agreed that it did not matter as they both loved the song and they were not superstitious about stuff like that. And as Kili walks through those doors to those haunting powerful chords, looking almost vampiric in his Victorian suit, Thorin knows not only that the song choice was perfect, but that here is the love of his life walking towards him to become his forever.

There is almost a sigh of relief that ripples through the decorated hall.

 _Damn brother, you do now how to create drama, don’t you!_  Fili thinks to himself as he rises to his feet with the rests of the guests. But as he looks at his younger sibling walking down the aisle, looking all grown up and absolutely stunning in his expensive suit, he actually wells up.

“Wow …” Thorin breaths out, not realising he’d held his breath up till then. “You look … amazing.” Even after having already seen each other before, in this official setting and to that music his lover just seems to radiate a dark beauty that is almost otherworldly.

Kili beams widely. “Thanks! As do you, babe.”

Thorin wants to ask,  _What took you so long?_ but he bites his tongue as the registrar begins his welcoming speech.

The moment that Kili says his vows hits Thorin harder than he had anticipated. To hear him promise that he will be by his side, now and forever, spoken with such reverence and such sincerity, make his throat feel thick with a sudden emotion. And he barely manages to repeat his own vows without choking up.

When they come to exchange their rings Kili looks a little helplessly at him as he cannot remember which is the right finger and it endears him even more to his older lover as Thorin surreptitiously wiggles the appropriate digit and winks at his younger lover.

“I now pronounce you husband and husband,” the registrar smiles at the both of them and the room erupts in applause.

“YES!” Kili exclaims and without any further prompting he flies around Thorin’s neck and kisses him long and deep, much to Thorin’s surprise and to loud cheering from their guests.

+++

When Kili puts his signature on the register he stares at it in awe next to Thorin's. This is real now. They are legally married. Husbands!

Thorin looks at his new spouse too. Never before has he felt so proud of anything he's done in his life. Becoming his own boss, earning his first million, buying his precious car; that had all felt amazing but in a way every one of those things had been about proving his worth to everyone else around him. But this... this was doing exactly the opposite. For the first time in his life he's stood up and said, I don't care about what you think about me. For this is about my happiness, not yours. And it feels more powerful than all those others things combined.

"I love you," he smiles, as pictures are taken of the newlyweds as they show off their rings.

"I love you too," Kili smiles back, threading their hands together as they get up to leave the hall under more loud applause.

+++

"You actually did it!" Fili grabs his brother in a tight hug when the happy couple rejoin their guests in the banquet hall after a very short photo shoot, which Kili had insisted on - after all their new house definitely would need some pictures of them together! "I'm so happy for you."

"Thanks," Kili breams back. "And thank you so much for being here today. After what I did on your... "

"Don't worry about that. You've turned a new leaf now," Fili interrupts, not wanting to dwell on the past. "I'm proud of you."

Kili nods, surprised by just how much it means to him to hear those words from his brother. “Thank you,” he says again, words falling him short. Then he grins at Lyn and Felicity. “May I?” he asks, holding out his hands to the little flower girl. “She is so gorgeous!”

“Of course!” Lyn promptly hands him her baby who is now wide awake and staring at Kili with big eyes. “She loves her newly married uncle,” Fili’s wife grins. “As do I,” she adds, kissing Kili on the cheeks.

“I see that Kili has already moved on to the next phase,” Dwalin grins in Thorin’s ear.

Thorin looks lovingly at his sweetheart as he gently cradles his little niece and he has to admit to seeing Kili act so paternal does all sorts of things to him. “Who knows,” he answers to Dwalin’s surprise. “Well, you never thought you’d see me at the altar again,” he shrugs. “Anything can happen now. And he does look adorable with her.”

Dwalin shakes his head fondly at the loved up look in Thorin’s face. “I wish you all the happiness in the world, man,” he clasps his shoulder, before Angie pushes her husband out of the way to take Thorin into a crushing hug of her own.

When she allows her tall friend a breath of air again Thorin finds his mother and Lee waiting patiently to offer their congratulations to the happy couple next. “Thank you so much for being here,” Thorin says as yet another wave of emotions washes over him at seeing his long lost mum here before him on his wedding day. He hugs the elderly woman tenderly.

“Of course I am here. Thank you for inviting me. My son,” Amata whispers lovingly as she strokes Thorin’s beard with both hands. “And now I have a wonderful son-in-law as well!” she beams at Kili who is still rocking Felicity on his arm. “Congratulations, my child,” he repeats the gesture with her new relative, taking his face in her hands also, whilst Thorin embraces his half-brother.

“Thank you, Amata,” Kili smiles. But a great sadness fills his chest at the same time. Of course he had been the one to decide not to invite his own mother, even when Thorin had asked whether he wanted to. And he knows it was the right decision. His own mother had disapproved of his relationship with his now husband vocally enough and he did not want anybody here today who was not one hundred percent supportive. And yet having neither of his parents here to witness what feels like the first proud moment of his miserable life hurts him more than he had anticipated.

However, when he turns to greet the next guess his face breaks into a wide smile. “Mister Balin! Thank you so much for coming!” he awkwardly holds out his hand and Thorin promptly offers to take Flick, showing her proudly off to his half-brother.

“Look at you!” Balin smiles a wide smile at the tall young man, his whole face lighting up and little wrinkles appearing in at the corners of his eyes. “I always knew you’d one day find your knight in shining armour. Congratulations, my boy.” And he hugs Kili hard. “I am so very proud of you.”

“Aw, thanks so much,” Kili instantly feels his upset over his mother’s absence disappear in the embrace of the man who had been like a father figure to him for quite a few years. “I am so very happy you came.”

“Of course, my boy, would not have wanted to miss one of my boys being turned into an honest man now would I,” the white haired elderly man winks. “Knew you’d end up on your feet, Kili. Make sure you stay on the straight and narrow now. This handsome prince is a keeper for sure.”

“That he is,” Kili laughs, threading his arm through Thorin’s and smiling lovingly at him.

Now that the last guests have all congratulated the pair and have moved on to the food, Kili leans his head against Thorin’s shoulder and fusses with Flick’s little dress. “She’s gorgeous, isn’t she?”

 “I see that whatever house we are buying is going to need a nursery,” Thorin smiles.

Kili can feel himself blush a little. “Well, I cannot exactly give you a baby, can I,” he shrugs a little awkwardly. “And I would surely never be considered as an adoptive parent,” he adds, feeling even more sadness.

“There are ways,” Thorin kisses his temple. “I was thinking maybe we could look into fostering. Neither of us have had the childhood we should have had. So maybe we can make it better for someone else.”

“You are absolutely the greatest person I know,” Kili feels a tear of happiness run down his face. “Thank you for always making everything right.”

“I don’t,” Thorin chuckles softly, wiping away Kili’s tear and kissing Flick’s head softly. “But I will try my very best.”

+++

_What would I do without your smart mouth?_

_Drawing me in, and you kicking me out_

_You've got my head spinning, no kidding, I can't pin you down_

_What's going on in that beautiful mind_

_I'm on your magical mystery ride_

_And I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me, but I'll be alright_

 

Everyone is utterly silent when Thorin tenderly holds Kili in his arms as they shuffle slowly on the dancefloor to the song that so perfectly embodies their rollercoaster relationship.

 

_How many times do I have to tell you_

_Even when you're crying you're beautiful too_

_The world is beating you down, I'm around through every mood_

_You're my downfall, you're my muse_

_My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues_

_I can't stop singing, it's ringing, in my head for you_

 

The world has ceased to exist beyond just the two of them. Thorin is aware of course that everyone is watching them, but it is like they are in another dimension because in this one nothing else exists apart from the most beautiful man in the world who is swaying in his arms, who is wearing his ring on his finger as a symbol of their everlasting devotion, who is looking back at him with so much love reflection in those amazing eyes that still continue to take his breath away.

“I love you,” he whispers again. He wants to keep saying it; feels like he has never said it enough in his life and now has to make up for all those wasted years.

 

_Cards on the table, we're both showing hearts_

_Risking it all, though it's hard_

 

“I love you so much too,” Kili sighs, leaning his head on Thorin’s shoulder his lips against his beard. He honestly feels like the happiest man alive right now. Never before has he felt so rich and not in the sense of more money than he knows what to do with now that Thorin’s wealth is his to share in. Simply those strong arms around him as they rock to the slow beat of the ballad are all he’s ever needed in his life.

 

_'Cause all of me_

_Loves all of you_

_Love your curves and all your edges_

_All your perfect imperfections_

_Give your all to me_

_I'll give my all to you_

_You're my end and my beginning_

_Even when I lose I'm winning_

 

“‘Cause I give you all of me. And you give me all of you,” they murmur the final words of the song to each other and finish their first dance with a soft kiss. Their guests are cheering, but the two lovers hardly register it as they really only have eyes for each other, clear blue melting into chocolate brown.

“They are perfect together,” Fili has to wipe away a tear.

“That they are,” Dwalin agrees, also feeling a big lump in his throat at seeing his old friend so happy. He turns to his wife and holds out his hand as the next song announces that others can now join in the celebrations. “Shall we?”

Ori watches Bard drag Legolas, who had changed out of her bridesmaid’s dress and into something that could only be described as short and sparkly, onto the dancefloor. Those two seemed to be getting on really rather well, he muses as he stuffs more wedding cake into his mouth. He jumps up when a hand taps on his shoulder.

“Wanna dance?”

He blinks when he finds Pippin smiling back at him. “Me?”

“Er yeah ... If you want…?” Pippin nods, blushing slightly.

“Okay. Sure!” Ori beams back. He stuffs the last bit of cake in his mouth and follows the other onto the dance floor.

He had found he really liked Kili’s work friend when they’d first met at the happy couple’s bachelor party, but he wasn’t sure which way the guy swung so he had not acted further on it. Besides, it wasn’t exactly possible to date in his profession. But dancing was nice! No-one had ever asked him to dance before unless it was a very much different type of dance that would ultimately end up with him wearing nothing.

“I think love is in the air tonight,” Thorin murmurs in Kili’s ear as they watch their guests mingle from the edge of the dancefloor. He hands Kili a glass of champagne and takes a sip from his own.

“Hm, I think we lured Cupid here,” Kili laughs as he too watches his friends hook up with the other guests. “They are good people,” he refers to his old work buddies. “I wish they would find someone like you too. I have been so lucky.”

“We both have.” Thorin lets his hand wander down Kili’s back. “Do you ehm … think it is too early to disappear?” he asks huskily. “I am not one for parties much …”

Kili whips around and grins a wicked grin at his older lover. “I think all our guests seem quite happy. And it is our duty to consummate our marriage after all,” he wiggles his heavy eyebrows. “Or Cupid will be very disappointed.”

“I will just let Dwalin know that we shall see them tomorrow at breakfast then,” Thorin grins back, pressing a heated kiss on Kili’s lips.

+++

Kili squeals as his tall strong lover carries him into the bridal suite. "Crazy man!"

"Uh-huh. Your crazy man, though. I'm afraid you've sealed your fate. You're stuck with me now!" Thorin snickers as he deposits his new husband onto the king sized bed. He quickly takes off his shoes, jacket and waistcoat before seating himself on the bed too.

"Yessss! Mine!" Kili says possessively as he grabs Thorin and drags him on top of him.

"For a moment there I thought you were going to leave me standing by the altar on my own earlier..." Thorin half jokes, although he cannot help mention it.

Kili stills and feels his cheeks warm. "I er..."

Thorin's eyes grow wide. "Oh my god, you really were!"

"No! I ... I just got stage fright." Kili sighs as he looks into those intense blue eyes staring back at him questioningly. "I guess a part of me still couldn't believe you really would be there when I walked through those doors. I guess I was scared that it would all be a big joke and everyone would stand and point at me and tell me how stupid I was to think that someone like you could truly want to marry someone like me. That it would be Thranduil waiting for me instead of you, ready to drag me back to Spartacus." He swallows and strokes Thorin's cheek. "But you really were there," he says in awe.

"Oh flower, of course I was." Thorin presses a long gentle kiss on Kili's lips. "And I always will be. When you walked down that aisle today you really made me the happiest I have ever been. I love you Mr Kili Oakenshield."

"Oh my... That sounds so perfect," Kili sighs blissfully before crashing their lips together again. “And don’t worry, I have been suitably reprimanded by my best man and my bridesmaid for being an arse,” he laughs, rubbing his cheek where Ori had slapped some common sense into him.

“Good!” Thorin growls softly as he pins Kili underneath him. He grins as Kili threads his legs around his and pulls him close against him. He can already feel his man's heat stir between them and he grinds his crotch down just a little to tease that growing hardness. "Today was perfect," Thorin nibbles at his lover's mouth. “ _You_  are perfect.”

"Hopeless softie," Kili giggles. He grinds his hips up against Thorin's. "Just one thing left to do now.

"Oh yeah? And what's that then?" Thorin teases.

"Make love to me!" Kili licks his lips. "My sexy man, you've looked so hot all day! And telling everyone that you're going to be mine and mine alone... Rrrrrr."

"Rrrrrr?" Thorin purrs back. He rolls himself off Kili and begins to unbutton his shirt.

"Let me," Kili crawls over and opens the next button of the beautiful silk shirt letting his hand slide inside. "My gorgeous husband, mmmm." He rubs the smooth hot skin underneath reverently as he pulls the shirt aside. "I am so crazy about you," he murmurs through the little butterfly kisses he places on every bit of exposed skin.

Thorin closes his eyes and rests his head back. It's been a long day and he's tired, but not so tired that he cannot fulfil his duty to his new husband. And his own cock is growing steadily inside his slacks. "Nice," he moans softly, digging his fingers into Kili's mass of wild curls. “

"This is just the beginning," Kili promises and he licks a broad stripe all down his lover's chest and stomach, breathing in his unique scent already sweet with arousal. His fingers make quick work of Thorin's trousers and he nuzzles his nose against his briefs, rubbing the tip against the fabric and that beautiful manhood still hidden underneath.

"Mmm, tease," Thorin sighs under the touch. He pushes himself up a little so that he can look at his handsome guy. He gasps as Kili pulls back the band of his briefs and licks his cockhead boldly. "Oh Kili, that's..." But any further words are silenced when Kíli sucks the tip of his member into his hot soft mouth.

Kili lets his tongue dart over that velvety skin, lapping up Thorin's horny taste. He listens to the soft grunts his lover utters each time his tongue moves along the ribbed rim of that delicious crown or when he pushes the tip of his tongue into that tempting slit. He feels his own dick twitch excitedly, tenting his posh trousers, and he fumbles to open the button and zip.

"Let me touch you," Thorin licks his lips, wanting to return the pleasure. He sighs regretfully when Kíli drops him from his mouth, but quickly sheds his shirt as his eyes lick over his hot lover. He smiles appreciatively when Kíli pulls his own shirt open revealing those sexy dark curls and he lets his fingers explore. "You're so gorgeous. Damn you make me so hard!"

Kili feels sheer happiness swirl inside him. It still feels like a dream; this handsome, kind, clever, rich guy loves him and has just hours ago told the whole world that he is his and his only. He curls his long fingers around Thorin's arms. "So are you," he whispers, his breath hitching under the weight of a sudden avalanche of emotions. "Make love to me," he pleads again.

 _Making love._ The actions of the body the same as what he has done a thousand times over. And yet this is a world apart. When Thorin strips him naked Kili feels like he is being unwrapped like a precious gift. When those thick, incredible fingers stroke his rim they feel like the most tender loving touch. When those same fingers slowly push inside, creating flares of heat and pleasure, Kili wants to cry and scream and laugh and moan all at once.

"I love you, I love you, I love you," he repeats over and over when the weight of his husband presses down on him and that beautiful hot slicked cock slides inside of him. "Oh yes!" he keens.  _So good, so big, so delicious, so perfect!_

"My sweet flower." Thorin presses a long kiss on Kili's little tattoo just above his nipple. He holds still a moment, savouring the close heat that wraps around his cock. He knows he will never tire of sharing this intimacy with his sweet handsome lover, the man who has shown him what love really is. Sex has never ever felt so truly sparks-flying-off-it spectacular!

When he pushes his cock further into Kili’s willing body the other mewls delightfully. He rolls his hips, starting the slow rhythm that soon speeds up and becomes a wild ride of entangled limbs and sloppy kisses and sweaty skin slapping against sweaty skin. He tingles from top to toe, each rub of his cockhead against those soft hot walls of Kili's channel bringing him closer, making him harder as he already floods his lover with precum.

The first guy he’s ever had sex with and the last one too. Knowing that from now they will only ever share these amazing sensations with each other is a fantastic feeling, full of trust and heavy promise. And he fucks into his lover with even more vigour as Kili encourages him, meeting his thrusts.

Kili delights in the sheer desire that pulses between them. Thorin never looks more handsome than like this, pupils blown, hair wild, lips red and swollen, cheeks flushed, muscles rippling under every thrust. When he gives himself over to something so very primal and sheds all his usual polished restraints. He loves the deep rumble that rolls from his throat, like a distant thunderstorm swollen with a brewing storm. “You feel amazing. I love making love with you,” Kili groans softly.

He grabs between them when Thorin gives him enough space, his own cock heavy and flushed. He won't need much. Thorin knows just how to pleasure him with that amazing manhood, to get him right to the edge. It's almost too easy for him as he seems to press all his pleasure buttons at once. And with one more perfectly timed move, penetrating what feels like his very core, Kili is lost.

Thorin shudders visibly as he watches his man come undone under him, the hot splash of cum melting between them into a sticky mess. "Oh fuck... " He does not want to finish yet, his energy now rekindled by their passion. So he pulls back and rolls Kili onto his side, crawling up behind him.

"Mmmm yes,"Kili groans appreciatively, his dick throbbing pleasantly from his orgasm. He pulls his cheeks apart to expose his open channel again to his lover. "Fuck me, baby."

Thorin lines up his cock again and pulls Kili against him. They both moan together as they rejoin, causing all new sensations at this angle that are oh so very nice and arousing. The older man buries his face into the hollow of Kili's neck, kissing the burning skin as he begins to thrust into his lover again. “My Kili. All mine.”

"Oh yes, oh yes, baby, yes!" Kili knows that being a loud bed partner originates in his old profession, where his clients wanted to hear their fantasy scream their name, but here the emotion is real, the desire is real, the sex is definitely real. "I love you," he whispers again as if he needs to remind himself of this new reality.

"I love you too." Thorin kisses little kisses along Kili's neck and into his hairline. His hand wraps around and fondles his lover's now semi-hard and wet cock. "My gorgeous husband." He kneads Kili's stones gently, whilst licking the sweat off his skin.

Kili bucks, forward into that playful hand, backwards onto that big hard cock, feeling utterly overwhelmed. "Babe, so good! I so love you touching me. I love you fucking me!"

The bed creaks as Thorin increases his pounding again, riding himself deep into that wonderful bottom, the top of his thighs slapping against those lovely soft rounds. "My husband," he grunts deeply followed immediately by some unintelligent whimpers as he comes hard, his hips stuttering. He pulls the sleek brunet down onto him firmly as he blesses their marriage with a blissful sigh.

Kili grabs his arm before he has a chance to move away and pulls it tight around him again, curling right up into his embrace whilst he’s still seated inside him. He watches the brunet fiddle with the new ring on his finger. And he knows that that gesture means so very much - a symbol of total trust, of surrender and of simply wanting to be loved and protected.

“You make me feel so safe and loved,” Kili murmurs as if reading his thoughts.

“And you have shown me that there is so much more value in having someone to share my life with than in having six figures in my bank account. Thank you for showing me what is truly important in life. I just wish we had met earlier.” Thorin brushes Kili’s wild curls out of his face as he kisses his neck again. “I feel we have both wasted so many years looking for  _this._ ”

Kili sighs at that. He is thirty years old and yet it feels like he is only now starting to live. “Then we shall make the years to come count tenfold,” he states firmly. “We have a lot of making up to do.” He grins sultrily. “Starting now? Wanna go again?”

At that Thorin laughs a deep rumbling laugh. “You seem to forget I am quite a bit older than you. And tonight I may have to admit defeat. I am sorry, flower.”

“That’s okay,” Kili laughs too and cuddles up against Thorin’s chest. “We can do it again tomorrow morning. Gotta make the most of our bridal suite!”

“Well, we still have the honeymoon too…” Thorin smirks.

“Honeymoon?!” At that Kili pushes himself back up and looks at Thorin with wide eyes. “We’re going on a honeymoon?!”

“Of course we are going on a honeymoon,” Thorin laughs.

“Oh my god, where are we going?”

“New York …?” Thorin watches his husband’s reaction hopefully.

“You are fucking joking me!” Kili’s mouth falls open. “I don’t even have a passport!”

Thorin chuckles. “Well, that’s why we are not going until Christmas. But you have got to have seen the great Christmas tree on Times Square once in your life. And once you have a passport, the world is our oyster,” he beams as he thinks about all the places he had been to alone and would love to share with his beloved.

“Oh my god, you crazy bastard! Oh my god, we are going to America!!” Kili squeals, bouncing up and down on the bed. “You are the best! You are the very very best! And when we come back, we will buy a new house. And then we will look into fostering! And I thought, maybe I can do some course in art therapy or something. That would surely be good, right? Oh babe, this is fantastic. Life is going to be so very fantastic.”

“It absolutely will be,” Thorin smiles contently as he pulls a super excited Kili back into his arms. “But for now we must sleep. Goodnight, my beautiful husband.”

Kili knows he is far too excited now to sleep but he can see that Thorin is tired and lies back down against his chest, listening to that comforting heartbeat and Thorin’s slowing breath. “Goodnight, my sexy husband. Love you forever.”

"Forever," Thorin mumbles in his sleep, a smile appearing around his lips. 

 

~ END ~

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * The music video of November Rain by Guns N’ Roses was loosely based on a short story called Without You. which is about a musician who tries to deal with his girlfriend’s suicide. The instrumental intro was the opening music for my own wedding too :) 
> 
> All of Me by John Legend - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=450p7goxZqg

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Kili wall](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1329190) by [delorita](https://archiveofourown.org/users/delorita/pseuds/delorita)
  * [Thorin wall](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1350316) by [delorita](https://archiveofourown.org/users/delorita/pseuds/delorita)
  * [modern Kili or Mitchell wall](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1444198) by [delorita](https://archiveofourown.org/users/delorita/pseuds/delorita)
  * [Illustrations for my Fanfics](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1605980) by [SilverFountains](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverFountains/pseuds/SilverFountains)
  * [again Mitchell or modern Kili :D](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1622495) by [delorita](https://archiveofourown.org/users/delorita/pseuds/delorita)
  * [beautiful stranger](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2072061) by [witchesdelite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/witchesdelite/pseuds/witchesdelite)
  * [modern!Kili or Mitchell?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2102004) by [delorita](https://archiveofourown.org/users/delorita/pseuds/delorita)
  * [modern!Kili/Thorin wall](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2548322) by [delorita](https://archiveofourown.org/users/delorita/pseuds/delorita)




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